I Love Lucy (1951) s01e01 Episode Script

The Girls Want to Go to a Nightclub

(I Love Lucy theme music plays) Here, you missed something on this one.
That's the design.
It is? Sure, can't you see.
Flowers against a background of gravy.
I've been meaning to talk to you about Monday night.
We want you and Ricky to help us celebrate.
It's our wedding anniversary.
Oh, yours and Fred's? No, me and Gregory Peck.
We've been married for 18 years and I vowed that at least once before I died Fred was going to take me to a nightclub on our wedding anniversary.
Well, that sounds reasonable.
Now this is my plan.
We'll go in there and I'll say: "I know what let's do next Monday night.
Let's go to a nightclub.
" And you second the motion.
Then Ricky will bound to his feet and say "That's great.
" Then Fred will have to take me Ricky bounds to his feet and says, "That's great"? Right.
Wrong, Ricky hates nightclubs.
But he works in one.
Your life should be just one gay round of nightclubs.
Yeah, that's what I thought when I married a bandleader, but ever since we said "I do" there are so many things we don't.
Well, it was a good idea while it lasted.
Gee, it was going to be the Copacabana.
The Copacabana.
Uh-huh.
Gee! Well, don't you worry, we'll go! We will? Sure, I want to go as much as you do.
But don't forget you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar.
You mean, be nice to the boys? Yeah, we'll be so lovey-dovey to them that they'll be sitting in a nightclub before they know what hit them.
Oh, that ought to do it.
Sure.
Hey, Rick, are you doing anything Monday night? I don't think so.
It's my night off, why? I'd like you to join me in commemoration of an 18-year-old tragedy.
What do you mean? Well, it's our wedding anniversary.
Oh, you want us to join you in a celebration? I prefer to think of it as a grim reminder.
I'd like to go over to Charlie's steak house and then take in the fights.
Oh, you dreamer, you.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
I don't know, Fred.
If you want to go to the fights, I think you should.
After all, it's your anniversary.
There must be some way we can get the girls to go to the fights.
Yeah, we can tie them in sacks and carry them in.
I tell you what! As soon as they come into the living room we'll be real nice to them, see soft-soap them a little smoosh 'em up.
Smoosh? Ethel? Now, look, everybody knows you can get around a woman with a little sweet talk.
Well, that's all right for Lucy but it's a longer trip around Ethel.
Do you want to go to the fights, or don't you? All right, all right, I'll smooch.
Okay, now How can four people use so many dishes? I don't know.
What's the matter? What you standing up for? Because two gorgeous ladies entered the room.
They did, where? They mean us.
Oh! You great big Latin lover, you! Oh, you sweet handsome man, you! You gorgeous exciting woman, you! I pass.
Aw, isn't he cute? Darling, why don't you sit down here.
Oh, yes, you sit down, too, baby.
Well, you sit down on my lap.
You'll be more comfortable there.
All right.
You sit there, darling.
This chair is more comfortable.
Oh, but if it's so comfortable I want you to have it.
Ethel, do one thing that I ask, will you, please? I said sit down! Ethel, don't you think you're overdoing it a little? How about a cigarette? BOTH: I'll get them.
No, don't trouble yourself.
Oh! Oh, sorry.
Thank you very much.
That's all right.
Thank you, Lucy.
Thank you very much.
It's all right.
ALL: Light, light? You know, Ricky, baby, there's only one time you look handsomer than you do now and that's when you wear a tuxedo.
Oh, yes, I think a tuxedo is the best- looking thing a man can wear.
Unless he's wearing boxing trunks.
Speaking of boxing there's nothing more exciting than a ringside seat.
Yes, sir, a ringside seat at the Copacabana.
Yeah.
Well, look, Lucy, Monday is Fred's anniversary and he wants to go to the fights.
Yeah, well, Monday's Ethel's anniversary, too, and she wants to go to a nightclub.
Yeah, well, Fred is not going to go to any stuffy nightclub.
Well, Ethel's not going to any stale fights.
Lucy, don't push me too far.
It's the fights or nothing.
Well, is that final? Final.
Then you brought this on yourself.
Ethel wants a divorce.
Good.
No, she doesn't! No, I don't! Well, honey, you said you wanted to go Why don't you mind your own business? (arguing) Wait a minute, will you! Everybody be calm! We'll figure out a way to settle this thing.
I know, the democratic way! We'll put it to a vote.
Couldn't you guess how it's going to come out? We'll try it anyhow.
All right, everybody wants to go to the fights raise their hand.
One, two.
Everybody wants to go to the nightclub raise their hands.
One, two, three.
All right, I guess we'll have to go to the Copaca Three? Lucy! Well, I don't care.
We want to go to the Copacabana.
We're going to the fights.
If you go to the fights, you can just go alone.
Okay, if that's the way you want it and I hope you have a nice, pleasant evening at home.
Who's staying at home? Ethel and I are going dancing at the Copa.
I hope one of you knows how to lead.
We will not be dancing together, smarty.
We will have dates.
We will? Oh, we will, we will! Date, Ethel with a date? Dates! That's very funny! LUCY: Go ahead and laugh.
I know just who our dates will be, and they're both tall, dark and handsome and young.
Who are they? You'll just die when I tell you.
Two of the most eligible young bachelors in town.
Of course I can't talk while certain parties are in the room.
Well, whisper their names to me.
Okay.
No! Yes! I guess we can take a hint.
Come on downstairs to my apartment, Rick.
I don't like the atmosphere up here.
Yeah.
Lucy, what were those names you whispered to me? What did they sound like? It sounded like Little Boy Blue and Peter Cottontail.
That's who it was.
Huh? Well, I was just trying to put up a big front while the boys were here.
That's what I was afraid of.
Where can we get any dates? Don't give up so easily.
We'll find some men somewhere.
Where? There's no place where millions of single women haven't already looked.
Well, how about No.
Uh No.
Oh, we're not concentrating.
We must know two men who are single and attractive.
Two men who are single? Two men? A boy and a dog? No, maybe we should settle for Little Boy Blue and Peter Cottontail.
I know.
What? I'll get my address book, call up some of my old boyfriends.
Oh, Lucy.
It's only 11 years old.
Oh! Well, after all, it's worth a try.
This is an emergency.
I'll start at the A's.
George Anderson.
Hmm, Butterfield 89970.
Brother, will Monday be a night! We'll go over to Charlie's and we'll get steaks this thick and we'll have big slices of raw onions all over 'em.
And there won't be any women around to tell us we can't eat them.
Do you suppose they really can get dates? Well, who cares.
Why don't you stop worrying about them.
I keep thinking that they'll go out to dinner somewhere and they'll have some champagne then they'll go to the Copacabana and have more champagne and then they'll dance and have more champagne and who knows what will happen.
Yeah, with all that champagne even Ethel might look good.
Well, what are we going to do, Rick? Well, we could get dates, too and go to the Copacabana and keep an eye on them.
No, that's not a very good idea.
Dates! You said dates.
Ricky, that's the most sensational idea you ever had! And we owe it to ourselves.
We can get a couple of blondes just to help us keep our eye on our wives who've seen fit to go out with other men! Yeah.
And they couldn't get mad at us by being with other girls because they're there with other fellows.
What a dream situation.
And I bet you know a million gals.
Where's your address book? I burned it.
Burned it! I hadn't been in this country very long and Lucy said it was part of the American marriage ceremony.
That's absolutely criminal.
I bet you could have got a fortune for that book.
"A" alone was worth a hundred bucks.
Hey, I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll call Ginny Jones.
You mean the girl that sings at the Starlight Roof? Yeah.
She's married now, but she knows every girl in town.
I'm glad you thought of her.
Yes, well, it's been nice talking to you, Paul.
Yes, it's been a long time.
My, my, seven children.
Yes, it's been a long time.
Yes, well, all right, good-bye, Paul.
Well, that takes care of old Wagner.
Yeah, Excelsior Cleaners, Yum Yum Market and Sam Zabaglione.
Sam Zabaglione, he must be around.
Nobody would marry him.
Plaza 52099.
Did you call up Howard Thompson? He isn't marked off.
Yeah, he's busy Monday night.
Baby-sitting with his grandson.
Oh, yeah.
Grandson! Well, don't look at me like that! When I dated him he was an interesting older man.
Hello, hello, is this Sam Zabaglione's house? Oh, no, no, no, don't call your daddy to the phone.
I don't want to talk Little girl, paisan! Well, we can always call the zoo and order a couple of dancing bears.
Oh! Why didn't I think of this before.
Who are you calling? Who, who, who? Quiet, you sound like an owl.
Well, who are you calling? Ginny Jones, she works at the Starlight Roof and she knows every man in town.
Oh, I feel hopeful again.
Hello, Ginny, Ginny, this is Lucy Ricardo.
Well, it's very nice to hear your voice again, too, dear.
I'll tell you why I called.
It seems that a friend of mine, Ethel Mertz What? They did! Ricky and Fred just called her.
They did! They didn't.
They didn't! They did! They didn't! Well, did they or didn't they? Ricky and Fred just asked her to get them dates for Monday night, too.
They didn't! They did! Those dirty two-timers.
Wait till I get my hands on Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, I got an idea.
Ginny, I want you to get them dates for Monday night.
That's right.
But the dates will be Ethel and me.
Yeah, and one more thing, Ginny I want you to build up these beautiful, blind dates yeah, and tell them that we'll meet them at Ricky's apartment at 8:00.
That's right.
Just leave the rest to us, Ginny.
Okay, bye.
I wonder what they'll be like.
Ginny said that they were just knockouts.
Real dreams.
(whistles) Gorgeous willowy figures.
(whistles) Sweet dispositions.
I wonder why they wanted to meet us here at the apartment.
Well, maybe they want to be with us alone.
Well, why? Now, now, don't fight it.
Just be thankful our wives have got early dinner dates.
(doorbell rings) Hello, there! H- H How do you, how do you do? We're be looking for a couple of fellers named Ricky and Fred.
Be you they? We be We be Simon and Elmer.
Good-bye.
Oh, boy, that's a good one.
We be your dates.
This one is yours, Fred.
FRED: Oh, no, no, no.
This one is yours, too, Fred.
Wait a minute, now there's a little mistake here, fella.
I'm going to have that little man right over there and this one is yours, Ma.
(whimpering): Oh, no.
Hey, I'm going to like you.
Now, look, look, girls there must be some mistake here.
We're waiting for some friends of Ginny Jones.
Well, that's us'n.
I'm Yuncy, this here's my ma.
That's your mother? It is? Oh, it is, it is, yeah! I knew that.
Do something, Ricky! Look, look, girls, it's very nice of you to come over but an emergency just came up and we have to change our plans.
Oh, look at him, Ma, he's shy.
What's the matter, sonny boy? Come on, kiss me.
Wait a minute.
Come on, kiss me.
Kiss me right now.
Let's get acquainted a little bit.
Oh, boy, Ma, this is fun! What's the matter, boy, ain't I your type? Oh, I do like to see the youngins having fun! It's past his bedtime.
He's got a rehearsal in the morning.
Killjoy, come on over here and sit down.
RICKY: Now hold it! Wait a minute! He's right, that's it.
I have to rehearse in the morning.
Oh, are you an actor feller? No, no.
A dancer feller? No, I'm a singer feller.
No! MA: Well, sing something.
Yeah.
No, I couldn't.
Really, I couldn't.
Okay, let's neck.
Wait a minute.
I'll sing.
What, uh What would you like to hear? Oh, any little ditty.
How about "Guadalajara"? Oh, that was beautiful.
Let's neck.
No, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Guadalajara, Guadalajara Tienes el alma de provinciana Puede ser limpia rosa temprana A ver dejara breca del rio Son mis palomas tu caserio Guadalajara, Guadalajara Ay, ay, ay ay, ay, ay Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay! Ay, colomitos lejano Ay! Ojito, te Hay colomitos inolvidables Inolvidable como la tarde En que la lluvia deja el aroma Y nos hacia hasta sapopa.
Sapopa.
Ay, ay, ay Ay, ay, ay Ay, ay, ay Guadalajara Gua-da-la-ja-ra! Well, well, if that don't beat all.
I sure didn't know you had it in you, boy! Come on, let's neck.
Let's have a cigarette.
Yeah, let's smoke it up a bit.
I had a pack here a minute ago.
I know where they are, sonny, I'll get 'em for you.
YUNCY: Here you are, sonny.
I would like to get a glass of water.
Come on, Fred.
What's a matter, sonny? Can't you carry a glass of water by yourself? Let's get out of here while we got a chance.
Wait, wait, wait a minute.
Wait for what? Come back here.
Did you notice that she knew exactly where the cigarettes were and the matches, too? Yeah, that was kind of funny, wasn't it? You know who those two creeps are in there? That's Lucy and Ethel.
Oh, no, I'd know my own wife, wouldn't I? I bet you Fred.
No.
By gosh, it is Ethel.
What do they think they're getting away with? Never mind, look, look, never mind, never mind.
Just forget it.
I got a wonderful idea to get even with them.
Yeah, what? I'll tell you what we'll do.
We'll turn the tables on them, see.
As soon as we get back in there, we'll give them that same wolf treatment they've been giving us.
Ricky, you're a genius.
Let's go.
Come on.
Oh, there you are, Ricky boy.
I've been waiting to pitch a little woo with you hog-center style.
Okay, only I thought we'd do it Latin style.
Latin style? Yeah.
Hey hey, now, take it easy! Now wait just a Hey, just a minute! Come here.
Ma! I'm getting out of here.
I'm coming with you! This smart aleck's trying to unbutton my high-top shoes.
Call us again, Lucy.
Nice to have met you, Ethel.
Why, Fred Mertz! You knew it all the time! (guffaws) Well, not all the time.
You were pretty convincing.
(laughing) Wait a minute, what are we laughing at? You two bums were going out with other women.
Yeah! Now, now, now, listen, listen.
I swear we were only getting dates to go to the Copa just to keep an eye on you girls.
Is that the truth? Upon my honor, passion flower.
What do you think? Now, look, just to convince you that we're on the level, you two girls go and change your clothes and we'll all go out and celebrate the Mertz's anniversary.
Right! Oh, Ricky! (cheering) Happy anniversary, Ethel.
Thank you, Lucy.
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