I Love Lucy (1951) s01e13 Episode Script

The Benefit

Ha, ha, that's it, partner.
Game and rubber.
How do you like that, Ricky? We didn't take a single trick.
Fortunately, you only bid six spades- double.
Oh When I was leading diamonds and you didn't have any diamonds, why didn't you play trumps? I didn't have any trumps.
I thought you knew that.
Why do you think I was kicking you under the table? You didn't kick me.
Well, then, who did I kick? Is there any liniment in the house? Oh, Fred, I'm sorry.
I didn't know I was kicking you.
Oh, I rather enjoyed it.
I thought we were playing shinsies.
Well, here it is.
and 73 points for you.
Let's see, you owe us 14,000 at, uh let's see five and carry two Pay them, Ricky.
I'll get my purse.
(groans) Yeah, I've been sitting still too long I'll tell you that.
Oh, I have, too.
"Shine On Harvest Moon"- what are you doing with this old tune, Ricky? Oh, we're doing it in the show.
You know, an old-fashioned June moon number.
Yeah? Here, sit down.
Oh, sing, Ricky.
All right.
Oh, shine on BOTH: Shine on harvest moon Up in the sky I ain't had no loving Since January, February, June or July Hey, Fred, you're pretty good.
Aw, sure he is.
Let's take it from the top again.
All right.
ALL: Oh, shine on, shine on, harvest moon, up in the sky I ain't had no loving (Lucy screeching along:) Since January, February, June or July Show time ain't no time To stay outdoors And spoon Shine on Hold it, hold it! Hold it.
Somebody's singing off key.
Yeah, watch that, will you? Somebody's singing off key.
Well, who was it? Who was it? Well, there's only one way to find out.
Fred? Ahh.
Ethel? Ahh.
Lucy? (off key): Ahh.
At ease, mounties, we found our man.
You have not.
I hit the right note.
The piano needs tuning.
Oh, honey, why don't you just go and sit down and listen to the rest of us, huh? No, either we all sing or nobody sings.
Well, all right then.
If nobody wants to sing, I'll just sing by myself.
ALL: No! Well, of all the insulting Now, honey, come on.
Fix us a snack, huh? I'm hungry.
No, you can't insult me and then expect me to feed you.
Oh, honey.
Come on, Fred, let's see what's out there.
Coming, maestro.
Oh, dear, I might just as well fix it for them- they'll just get the kitchen all messy.
No, wait a minute, Lucy, I want to talk to you.
What about? Well, come sit down.
You got to help me.
My women's club wants Ricky.
Well, I'd be very glad to help them out, Ethel, but I'm not through with him yet.
No, I didn't mean that.
I mean, we want him to sing at a benefit my club is giving next week, and I can't get up the nerve to ask him.
You ask him.
Well how would you like to have the both of us? Is that the only way we can get Ricky? Never mind that.
Do you want us or don't you? Well all right.
Do you think you can get him to do it? Sure, if I wheedle him.
How soon? I got to have the posters printed and the signs made for the front of the theater, you know.
You go ahead and have them made, I'll work on Ricky.
I'll start on him tonight just as soon as you and Fred leave.
Oh, good, we'll go right now.
Fred? Come on, it's getting late.
We gotta go.
But I'm hungry.
Oh, come on.
You can live off of that till breakfast.
Thanks, Lucy, for a lovely evening.
Straighten it up in the morning, honey.
Okay, dear.
Anything you say.
You know, I was watching you tonight.
You're cute.
Thank you.
You sure look handsome in that smoking jacket.
I do? Yeah I love you.
Lucy, what do you want? Nothing, I just love you, that's all.
Well, that's nice.
Do you love me? Sure, I love you.
Would you climb the highest mountain for me? Uh-huh.
Would you swim the widest ocean? Yeah.
Would you do anything in the world for me? Yup- anything but sing at Ethel's club next week.
I don't know what you're talking about.
And who told you? Fred told me.
Oh, that big blabbermouth.
All right, if that's the way you feel about it, I'll just tell Ethel we can't make it.
What did you say? I said, I'll just tell Ethel that we can't make it.
What do you mean "we"? Well, for your information, Ethel asked me to appear at that benefit, too.
I thought perhaps we could sing a duet together.
Oh, no.
Oh, Ricky, wouldn't you do it for me? No.
But I can't No.
No! Lucy, I am not going to appear at that benefit.
Do you understand? And I don't want to hear another word about it, right? That's better.
(wailing) Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay.
(wailing) Now, Lucy! Lucy! (wailing) Lucy All right, honey, all right.
All right, I'll do it with you.
You will? Yes, I will.
I have an arrangement that you might be able to do.
I'll bring it home tomorrow night and we can rehearse it.
Oh, Ricky, you're wonderful! Mmm! LUCY (singing scales): Ahh.
(no sound) Ahh.
(no sound) Ahh.
(buzzer sounds) (buzzer sounds) (buzzer sounding) (knocking) Hi, honey, I forgot my key.
Where's the song, where's the song? Is this it? That's the song.
Ha-ha! "Auf Wiedersehen"? That's a nice Cuban melody.
Well, I thought it would be very good for you.
Well, come on, let's try it.
All right.
Here, give me that.
This is your part, and this is mine.
All of this is mine? Yeah.
Oh, honey, that isn't fair to you.
Well, sweetheart, you are the star.
(giggles) So you sing all the words that are written on your music, and I'll sing everything on mine.
All right? (clears throat) Are you ready? Yep.
Okay, let's try it.
(playing piano) Come, let us stroll down lovers' lane Once more to sing love's old refrain Soon we must say Auf Wiedersehen Auf Wiedersehen, my dear.
Here in your arms I can't remain So let me kiss you once again Soon we must say Auf Wiedersehen Auf Wiedersehen, my dear.
Your love will cling to me Through the lonely daytime Each night will bring to me The magic memory of Maytime.
I know my heart won't beat again Until the day we meet again Sweetheart, good-bye Auf Wiedersehen Auf Wiedersehen, my dear.
What's the matter? Didn't you like the song? Auf! What's wrong with it? I sound like a hungry seal.
Honey, don't be silly.
The audience will love us.
Well, they might love you, but they're going throw me a fish.
Ricky Ricardo, you bring me another song.
Well, I am very sorry, honey, but that is the only song that I have that will fit your voice.
We'll just have to forget all about the benefit.
Well, you look again, you'll be able to find me one.
No, I wan't.
Not much you want.
You find me another song tomorrow or just dun't come home.
(barking:) Auf! Auf! Hey, Lucy, look.
Isn't this wonderful? Look at that.
Pretty good, huh? Lucy? What's the matter? Lucy? Ricky did say he'd do it, didn't he? Lucy? (banging on piano keys) This is the right name, isn't it? Well, yes, with one minor change: Mrs.
Ricky Ricardo! Oh, no and the show's tonight.
You were so sure you could wheedle him.
So you can't get Ricky.
You still have me.
After all, what's Ricky got that I haven't got, except a band, a reputation And talent.
Well, now, let's not be unkind.
Do you want me or don't you? Oh, I don't know.
It's too late to have any new posters printed and you are Mrs.
Ricky Ricardo, but it's like expecting Clark Gable and getting Hubert Grimset.
Hubert Grimset? I never heard of him.
Well, you must admit, I'm better than nothing.
There you've got me.
Just what were you intending to do in this show tonight? Well, I'm not sure.
I could sing.
(gasping) But I'm not going to by popular demand.
I could dance, but I don't have a partner.
Oh, dear.
Oh I know! Ricky's got a closet full of costumes left from his shows.
I'll find one that fits me and I'll build a whole act around it.
Oh, let me help you.
Haven't you ever seen this stuff in here? No.
BOTH: Ohh! (talking excitedly) ETHEL: What a treasure trove.
There's more stuff in there than you can shake a stick at.
Hey, here's a clown suit.
This might do.
Let's see.
You'll get a lot of laughs with that.
I'll say I will.
Oh, moths.
Hey, what's this? I don't know.
(gasps) Why it's half half a horse.
Say, those moths were hungrier than I thought.
Hey, look, here's the rest of it.
Oh, Ethel! This is it, this is it! We'll do a horse act.
But it takes two people to do a horse act.
Well, what are you doing tonight? Me? I'm the chairman.
So? I guess I could.
Yeah, come on, let's try it on.
Lucy! Ethel! Now! Ethel! Oh That's your half right there.
No, sir, that's your half.
Ethel, now let's be sensible about this.
Who's the big name in this twosome? I'm Mrs.
Ricky Ricardo.
Listen, Lucy, when you're inside a horse, it doesn't matter if you're Mrs.
Hubert Grimset.
I'm only doing this benefit for you.
I should think you could do this one little thing for me.
Listen, Lucy, even for sweet charity, I am not going to be the back end of a horse.
Ethel, now, be sensible.
Who's going to recognize you? You just said so yourself.
Well Come on, now try it on.
(moaning) Why do these things always happen to me? Take off your shoes.
Take off my shoes? Yes.
You have to step into this thing.
This is the front.
That's right.
Into the feet? Yeah.
Now, I'll hold onto you.
Oh, if my family in Albuquerque could see me, they'd die of shame.
Speaking of Albuquerque- is it true that your father drinks goat's milk? I only hope this fit the horse better than it does me.
Turn around now.
That's it.
There, that looks wonderful! Are you sure nobody can tell who I am? I defy anybody to recognize you.
Hi, Lucy.
I got something for you.
Hello, Fred.
Hello, Ethel.
What did I tell you? Oh, now, Ethel Fred had to know that was you in that costume, didn't you Fred? What costume? That's all, brother- count me out.
Oh, Ethel! Oh, no.
Oh, Ethel! Nothing doing.
Lucy, I stopped by the club, and Ricky asked me to bring you this.
Music? It's the number he's going to do with you tonight at Ethel's benefit.
Oh, Ethel, he's going to do it! Thank goodness.
He wants you to look it over, and he'll join you there later.
He's bringing the costumes.
Oh, wonderful.
"Underneath the Bamboo Tree.
" Oh, Ethel, this is that cute song and dance number that Ricky had in the show last year.
I know it backwards.
Da-da da-da, da-da Da-da da-da, da-da What's all this? Oh, those are jokes- Ricky's got a cane that he taps on the floor with when he wants the music to stop (tapping) And you tell one of these jokes.
Oh, good, I love to tell jokes.
Hey, rehearse them with me, will you, Fred? Why, sure I will.
Dya-dya dya-dya, dya-dya Tap, tap, tap.
Hi, Lucy.
Hiya, Ricky.
You know, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the theater this evening.
What? Well, a tramp come up to me in the street and told me that he hadn't had a bite in weeks.
What did you do? I bit him.
Oh, brother.
You keep out of this, Whirlaway.
Come on, let's get to my jokes.
Da-da da-da, da-da.
Tap, tap, tap.
Did you hear No, no, no, I forgot to tell you- that's Ricky's line.
Did you hear about the big fire down at the shoe factory? What happened? Ho, ho, ho- what a boffola.
He must be saving the good jokes for me.
Tap, tap, tap.
You know, there are two things Wo, wo, wo That's Ricky's line, too.
Oh, I was afraid of that.
You know, there are two things that I can't Wait a minute.
Who does he think he is? He's got all the funny lines for himself.
Well, I'm not going to do it with him.
Oh, now, Lucy.
If you don't do it, Ricky won't.
Well, I don't care.
Oh, Lucy, I never thought I'd live to ask this question, but will you please sing at our benefit tonight? No.
Oh, please.
I'll be in such a mess.
I told all the women Wait a minute, wait a minute, I got an idea.
Okay, I'll do it.
You two skedaddle.
I have a little studying to do.
Oh, come on, Fred.
Let's leave her while she's All right, all right.
Tap, tap, tap.
(miming) Oh, thank you, Mrs.
Thompson, thank you.
And now, club members and guests comes the piece de resistance- that means the best part of the evening- Mr.
And Mrs.
Ricky Ricardo in "Songs and Witty Sayings.
" (band strikes up jaunty music) We'll build a bungalow big enough for two Big enough for two My honey! Yes, me and you Ha, ha, ha, ha And when we're married Happy we'll be Under the bamboo Underneath the bamboo tree.
(tapping) Say, Lucy? Yeah, Ricky.
You know, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the theater tonight.
What? A tramp came up to me in the street and said he hadn't had a bite in weeks.
What'd you do, bite him? If you'd be M- i-n-e, mine, I'll be t-h-i-n-e, thine And I'll I-o-v-e, love you all the t- i-m-e, time.
(tapping) Say, Lucy? Yeah, Ricky.
Did you hear about the big fire down in the shoe factory? I'll bet some heel started it.
You're supposed to say, "what happened?" Huh? "What happened?" You are the B- e-s-t, best of all r-e-s-t, rest And I'll I-o-v-e, love you All the t-i-m-e, time.
(tapping) Go ahead.
I'm onto your tricks.
You start it this time.
Go ahead.
You know, there are two things that I can't eat for breakfast- lunch and dinner.
We'll have an L- a-r-k, lark up in the p-a-r-k, park And I'll k-i-s-s, kiss you in the d- a-r-k, dark.
(tapping) Go ahead.
I got you this time.
I got a joke that you never heard in your whole life.
Okay, go ahead, spill it, brother.
Did you hear about the girl that was so dumb that she thought a football coach had four wheels? Ha, ha, ha- four wheels! (laughing) How many wheels does it have? Oh, what's the use.
And when we're married, happy we'll be Under the bamboo Under the bamboo tree.
WGBH access.
org I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

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