I Love Lucy (1951) s04e01 Episode Script

The Business Manager

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) More coffee, Ricky? Ricky? Hello, back there.
Coffee? Hmm? Hey, what are you doing?! Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, the least you can do is warn a guy before you scald him to death.
Well, I asked you if you wanted more coffee and I thought you said yes.
Si queria cafe caliente ponle en la copa.
Look, I'm sorry I burned you.
I was just trying to keep busy.
It's no fun sitting here watching you read the paper.
Okay, okay.
I didn't think I was being so rude.
Well, that's better.
Wait a minute.
You take this one, huh? My, that's interesting.
Did you read? Why is it that the news always look grinner at the other side of the breakfast table? I don't know.
It just looks grinner.
Well, if I'd been this woman, I'd have left my husband.
Listen to this.
"Two armed thugs entered and robbed the apartment "of George T.
Craig at 527 East 65th Street last night, "tying Mrs.
Craig to a chair "and leaving with an estimated $5,000 worth of jewelry, silver and furs.
" Well, that's too bad, but I don't see why you're, uh Now, just wait.
"Craig, an accountant "was working in his office at the time of the robbery.
Craig had called earlier "to report that she thought she heard prowlers "and urged her husband to come home.
"and found my wife bound and gagged "and the apartment ransacked.
None of the goods was insured, admitted Craig.
" Isn't that awful? Terrible.
It's unforgivable.
I should say so.
Imagine not being insured.
Oh, you missed the whole point.
What do you mean? That man didn't love his wife very much or he would have come home the minute he thought she was in danger.
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.
What would you do? What would I do about what? Well, if I called you and told you there were prowlers, you'd come right home, wouldn't you? What for? We're insured.
Well, it's nice to know how you really feel.
I was just kidding.
I'll bet you weren't.
Of course I was.
Well, if I called you at the club and told you there were prowlers, would you come right home? The minute you call.
What if you were busy? It wouldn't matter.
What if you were doing a number? Would you leave in the middle of it? Right between the "baba" and the "loo.
" Oh, honey, you're wonderful.
Thank you.
Would you really come home the minute I called? If I had the slightest hint that you were in any kind of danger, I would come flying from the ends of the earth.
Hmm (sighs) Hello.
I'd like to speak to Mr.
Ricardo, please.
This is Mrs.
Well, even if he is in rehearsal, I have to talk to him right away.
Hello, Ricky? Ricky, listen, a horrible, strange-looking man just came to the front door and-and he said that he was trying to sell something and I didn't believe him, so I slammed the door in his face and-and then a few minutes later, I-I heard something on the fire escape and-and I think I saw his face.
And, oh, he was just horrible-looking.
He had big, bulgy eyes and-and he had a long, black, droopy mustache and-and long, snaggly teeth.
And-and he was about seven feet tall.
You'd better hurry home, honey.
Hurry! Hurry! Lucy! Lucy! Where are you, Lucy?! Here I am.
Where?! Where?! Are you all right? Oh, are you all right? Where is he? Where is he? Who? Well, Ricky just phoned from the club and said some evil-looking man was trying to break into the apartment.
Yes, he said he had a long, black beard and he was eight feet tall! Oh, you mean he told you to come over here and protect me until he could get here, huh? Nope.
He just wanted us to call him back if anything was wrong.
How do you like that? Here I am in terrible danger and all he does is sit by the phone.
Are you in terrible danger? Of course not.
Oh, Lucy, what is all this? Well, I read in the paper this morning where some woman called her husband and told him that there were prowlers and he didn't come home and their house was robbed.
So? So, that proves that that man did not love his wife.
So, I just called Ricky to find out if he really loved me.
Oh, no.
And, apparently, I got my answer.
I could have been murdered while he was waiting for you to call him back.
You still might be.
Fred Fred.
Oh, honestly, Lucy, how could you pull a stunt like this? Oh, my heart's still pounding.
Yeah, mine, too.
Now, listen, Lucy, my blood pressure has better things to do than play "he loves me, he loves me not.
" Well, maybe someday some-something will really happen to me and then you'll be sorry.
Do you want to bet? Oh, Fred.
Come on, we'd better call up Ricky and tell him it was just a false alarm.
All right.
Never mind.
I'll call him.
I have to speak to Mr.
Ricardo, please.
This is Mrs.
Ricardo again.
Ricky! Ricky, where are you?! That man is still here! He-he-he hid in the closet; h-he's got a gun and and when the Mertzes came in, he made me tell the Mertzes Aa-ahh, oh, no! No! No! Don't do that! Please, please! Help! Help! Ricky! Ri-Rick! (gagging): Rick! Rick! Okay, Lucy, you can stop now Oh, honestly, how far can you go? Come on, Lucy.
Ricky knows you're just calling him to test him.
Lucy? You can come out now.
We know you're fooling.
Lucy? Lucy? Fred! Fred! Oh Now what? Fred, Fred, look at this room.
This time I think something really has happened to her.
She's not here.
Did you look every place? Well, I looked every place except the bedroom.
Let's look in there.
She's got to be around here someplace.
ETHEL: She isn't here.
FRED: Well, you look in the bathroom and I'll look in all the closets.
ETHEL: The closets.
No, she isn't in there.
She wouldn't go away and leave the baby.
She never has; she's got to be around here someplace.
I think I'd better call Ricky.
FRED: Oh, I wish you wouldn't bother him.
EHTEL: Oh, he'd never forgive me if I didn't call him, Fred.
FRED: Oh, I don't want to disturb him now.
He's down there rehearsing.
ETHEL: if anything like this happened to us, you know, you know he'd want you to call him.
FRED: She'll show up in a minute.
Just take it easy.
Well, I didn't look in here.
No, you didn't look in there.
No, she's not in there either.
Oh, Fred I think this time something really has happened to her.
Oh, now, don't be so dramatic.
She's just trying to give us a good scare.
FRED: Lucy! I'm going to call Ricky.
Oh, I wish you wouldn't disturb him.
I won't.
I won't.
Now, tell him we're not sure.
We-we think it's one of Lucy's dumb stunts.
May I speak to Mr.
Ricardo, please? Now, be nice and calm.
Don't worry.
Hello, Ricky, we're up here and Lucy's not anyplace! FRED: Ethel! It's nothing to get upset about! Give me that phone! Listen, Ricky, I think it's one of Lucy's tricks, but we can't find her anywhere, so maybe you'd better come on home.
Yes, come on home.
FRED: Yeah, come on home.
Don't worry.
We'll take care of little Ricky till you get here.
But come on home! Yeah.
Is he coming? Yes! What happened?! What happened?! Ricky, Ricky, this is just the way we found it.
FRED: We knew you'd want to see.
Are you sure she's not hiding someplace? Have you looked everywhere? In the closets and everywhere, there's no I even looked behind the shower curtain.
While we were waiting for you, I went around to the other apartments.
Nobody has seen a sign of her.
Oh, I don't know what to think.
I don't know what to think now.
I don't know whether something has really happened to her or maybe she's just yelling tiger? FRED: What? You know, yelling tiger.
You mean crying wolf? Yeah.
Oh, if anything's happened to Lucy, I'll never forgive myself.
I shouldn't have gone away and left her.
FRED: How do you think I feel? I'm the one that said I wouldn't care if something did happen to her.
What happened to her is all my fault.
I should have come home the minute that she called me.
Just think, right now she might be in terrible danger.
She might be hurt.
She might even be (weeping): Oh, I miss her already.
I said some terrible things about Lucy, but I didn't mean any of 'em.
She was a good kid.
ETHEL: Yes, she was.
Fred's right.
She was a good girl.
Yes, she was.
RICKY: She was a wonderful girl.
ETHEL: Yes, she was.
Hey, what are we saying? She is a good girl.
Nothing could have happened to her! RICKY: She is a good girl.
I bet you she's all right.
My God, if something happens to Lucy, what Gee, I love her so much, I-I just wouldn't want to live, that's all.
I'm going to call the police.
Yes, that's a good idea.
Wait a minute.
Supposing she's playing a trick? Supposing it's a gag? Well, I don't care.
We just can't take any more chances.
(phone ringing) Who's this now? Hello.
WOMAN: Hello.
Uh, Mr.
Ricardo? Yes? You don't know me, but I'm your neighbor, Mrs.
I live in the apartment building across the street.
Now, I'm sure there must be a very good reason, and I'm sure you know what you're doing, but is anything wrong? Well, what do you mean? Well, I know your wife is a little peculiar Yeah, well, look, I'm awfully busy right now.
Could-could you call me back a little later? Well, uh I certainly can as long as you know that your wife is sitting on the ledge outside of your window.
Ah, well, don't worry about What?! Oh, it's a good, wide ledge.
I just wanted to make sure that everything was all right.
Oh, yes, yes, everything is just fine.
Thank you very much for calling.
Oh, you're welcome.
And thank you very much for having those costumes ready for Thursday.
That's very nice of you.
That was that fellow that, uh, I was worrying about the costumes for Thursday for the new show.
Well, he called me, and he said he'd have it ready Thursday.
But, uh, what about Lucy? Aren't you going to call the police? Yeah, I'll call them in a minute.
RICKY: Isn't that nice about the costumes? FRED: Yeah.
On second thought, I don't think I'll call the police.
It'd be bad publicity for me.
ETHEL: That's right, Ricky.
And after all, what can the police do? If she's gone, she's gone, that's all.
I'll just have to get used to it.
Gee, I'm gonna miss her though.
FRED: If you miss her too much, you can always get a parrot and make it nag you and throw your money away! No.
I think the thing to do is to get her out of my mind.
Just get rid of everything that reminds me of her.
Ethel, would you like her clothes? ETHEL: Oh, yes.
There are a couple of dresses I'd like.
Of course I'll have to have them altered.
She's much bigger in the hips than I am.
Oh, Ricky, could I have those beautiful stone martins of hers? RICKY: Sure.
How about her lynx stole? Hmm, I don't think so.
FRED: Go ahead and take it.
We can always use it for a bath mat.
You know, it's too bad about Lucy being gone and all that.
It's a bit of tough luck all right, but the worst part of it is little Ricky.
Little Rick will be without a mother.
ETHEL: Oh, yes.
FRED: How about that? RICKY: Without his mother to guide him.
ETHEL: Oh, the poor little thing.
There's only one thing for you to do, Rick: You'll have to remarry.
You really think so? You have to think of your son.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Of course I'll have to wait a respectable length of time.
ETHEL: Oh, of course.
How long would you wait? RICKY: About ten days.
(pounding on window) Lucy! Look, a dove! Oh, it's Lucy! Lucy! ETHEL: Lucy! Honey, you've come back! Yeah, a lot you care.
I'm not even cold yet, and you're already getting married again! And you go around telling everybody I got big hips! And as for you, you big walrus, get your wet feet off my lynx stole! (laughing uncontrollably) Well, what's so funny? (still laughing) We knew you were outside that window all the time.
FRED: Sure.
You did not! Yes, we did, honey.
Devries from across the street called up and told us you were out there.
(laughing) And listen, you, I just had about enough of these phony stories.
Phony?! What do you mean? Why do you think I crawled out on that ledge in the first place? I I I was trying to escape from that horrible man.
You should have seen him.
He was horrible.
Lucy? Well, he was, and he-he forced his way in here and he chased me around and around and around.
Well, he did! Come on, honey, you're holding up the game.
What's she doing? Maybe she met another prowler.
I heard that.
Come on, honey.
If we're going to play bridge, let's play bridge, huh? I'm not sure I want to play with people who make fun of me.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry, but I can't help it.
Every time you get out of our sight, you run into a bunch of cutthroats.
Where are they hiding this time, under the bed? Now, listen to me, Fred Mertz! All right, all right, all right! Hold it, everybody.
Now, we all know that Lucy has a very vivid imagination and we all know that we can't believe one word she says.
Now, listen, whether you believe me or not, that man was here this afternoon.
Oh, come now, honey.
Well, he could have been.
After all, those people who were robbed live in this neighborhood and those thugs might still be around here.
You know how crooks are.
How are they? Oh, you know what I mean.
Once they rob one house in a neighborhood, they very often rob another one a couple blocks away.
She's right, Ricky.
All the crooks I know are just like that.
Once they find a neighborhood they like, they stick to it.
They're a loyal bunch.
Especially the eight-foot-tall, fiendish ones.
LUCY: Oh, you're all so smart.
Now, where are you going? Out.
I'm sure you don't care where I go or what happens to me, and neither do I.
Oh, Lucy, you're going to ruin the Oh now, where do you suppose she's going? Oh, she'll go out in the hall and sit for a while and mope and then she'll come back.
Honestly, sometimes she acts just like a baby.
Have you ever thought of putting her in a basket and leaving her on somebody's doorstep? (chuckling) Come on, let's play three-handed till she comes back.
All right.
You bid, Rick.
Okay Ricky, she's been gone for a long time.
Don't you think you ought to go look for her? That's just what she wants us to do.
She wants us to go out there and beg her to come back.
Are you sure she's sitting out there? I'll go take a look.
Now, shh! Keep quiet.
She's just sitting out there like a spoiled child.
(shouting): Come on, let's play another hand! FRED: All right.
ETHEL: Okay.
(screaming): Help! There she goes again.
Ricky! Hey, you know, that was pretty good, the way she did that.
Ricky! Oh, that's not so tough.
Ricky! Help! Help! LUCY: Ahh! Help! Ricky! Help! Help! You know, how about that, uh, "fading away" effect? That's, uh That's a pretty good effect.
You know, I knew a ventriloquist once who could do that with his voice.
Is that right? Yeah.
That's pretty clever.
She's got a lot more talent than I give her credit for.
(thumping) Lucy? Lucy? (Lucy muttering) Now what? Come on in, honey.
The door is open.
(thumping) Oh, well.
Very good! Very good! Bravo! Very clever.
On behalf of the academy, it's my great pleasure to present to you this beautiful statuette for the best performance of the year.
ETHEL: Bravo! Bravo! You know, what I can't understand is: How did she tie herself up like this? (muffled muttering) Well, let's take the gag off and hear her story.
FRED: Hey, hey, Rick.
You sure you know what you're doing? FRED: If I had Ethel gagged like this Fred! Fred.
Well, let's hear it anyway.
Must be a good one this time.
(grunting) There we go.
What's the matter with you? You crazy or something? Why didn't you come out there and help me? Those two men could have killed me.
Oh, there was two men this time.
There were! Oh.
Ricky, honest, it's true.
There really were.
Ricky, listen to me.
Two men came down from the attic and they grabbed me and they-they dragged me down to the basement.
Yes, dear.
Yes, dear.
But Ricky, they do, and they're loose somewhere in this neighborhood.
We're gonna something.
Oh, we're gonna something.
Well, what? We got to finish our bridge game.
Ricky, please, you got to believe me! Ricky, listen, I was sitting on the steps and these two men came down from the attic and they Ethel, Ethel, listen to me, please.
They grabbed me, Ethel, and they tied me up, can't you see? Fred! Fred, somebody, listen to me! Fred! Fred, they tied me up! Fred, can't you see? I didn't do this myself.
Listen! Somebody, listen to me! ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.