I Love Lucy (1951) s04e04 Episode Script

The Matchmaker

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) Hi.
Hi, honey.
How was the luncheon? Ethel, it was absolutely fabulous.
Carol and I went to 21 for lunch.
(gasps) How's the baby? Oh, he's fine.
He's asleep.
Wait till you hear what happened.
Ricky will just die when he hears.
So what happened? When we went in, it was so crowded, we sat with some friends of Carolyn's, and who do you think the man turned out to be? Who? Harvey Cromwell.
Harvey Cromwell! Yes! Who's he? Oh, Ethel, don't you know anything? He's Cromwell, of Cromwell, Thatcher and Waterbury.
They're just about the biggest advertising agency in the country, that's all.
No kidding? Yes, and while we were having lunch, Mr.
Cromwell just happened to mention that his agency was looking for a new TV personality to build a whole show around.
So, naturally, I brought up Ricky's name.
Naturally.
I was very subtle.
Oh, I can imagine-- like a garlic sandwich.
Now, Ethel, I wasn't.
I have an appointment for Ricky to see Mr.
Cromwell tomorrow morning.
No kidding! I have.
(gasps) Gee, Ethel, this will mean a whole new career for Ricky, and it'll all be because of me.
Oh, Ricky will help a little.
Oh, of course.
He's very talented, but you know what they say-- behind every great man there's a great woman.
Mamie Eisenhower-- we're all back there.
Well, if it gets dull back there, you can always start a bridge game.
Oh, Ethel, we're all behind our husbands, guiding their destinies.
We're puppeteers behind the scenes, pulling the strings.
Well, here's Howdy Doody now.
Hi, doll! Hello, honey! Wait till you hear what I did today.
It may change our whole life.
What you do? I went to lunch at 21.
No! I went to lunch with a certain man.
Well, I hope you two will be very happy.
All right, if you don't want to hear it, I won't tell you.
I won't tell you what big agency man wants to build a whole TV show around you.
Say, honey, what you do today? Well, that's better.
You said you had lunch at 21 with a certain man? Yes, and he's a big agency man and he has a sponsor who's looking for a show.
No kidding? Yes, and I told him all about you and I said that you had some wonderful ideas for shows and he wants to see you tomorrow morning.
Why, honey, that's wonderful! Isn't that great? Thank you.
Tomorrow morning! Yeah.
Boy, I'd better have some good ideas when I go to see him.
Yeah.
Let me see now what would be good? Yeah, what would be good for us? Yeah, what would be good? Us? Yeah, us, as in we.
We? Yes, we, as in you and me? No.
No? Yes, no-- as in not you.
Aw, now, Ricky, that isn't fair.
I started this whole thing.
It's my chance to go coast to coast.
Now, look, honey, I love this country.
It's been very good to me.
I wouldn't think of doing a thing like that to my fellow citizens.
Well, all right, then.
I think I get the full import of that.
I don't have to have a brick wall fall on me.
I can take a hint.
Hint? Oh, shut up.
You may be interested to know, sir, that I wouldn't be on your program now if you begged me! Well, that's a very sensible attitude.
Now, who's this man I'm supposed to see? Lucy, what's the name of the man? Man? What man? Aw, come now! You can't do that to me.
You wouldn't ruin my chance.
Why not? You're ruining mine.
Oh, now, Lucy, that's not fair.
I'll thank you if you'd keep out of this.
Well, I won't let you do it.
Ricky, I'll tell you his name.
Traitor.
Ethel, what's his name? Well Actually, Ethel, you know, we don't need Ricky.
We could build a show around you and Fred and me.
Ethel, what's his name? It's Isn't that funny? I forgot.
Well, it doesn't matter, anyway.
I know those agency guys.
He was just probably talking.
Oh, no, he wasn't.
He has a sponsor and the time all cleared.
Sure, sure.
Well, he has, and he's a very big man.
Big man! He's probably been saving all month just so he could go to 21 for lunch once.
Probably an office boy.
Office boy! That's a fine thing to call Ha Oh, no, you don't.
Oh, no, you see what he's trying to do? He thinks he's so smart, trying to trick me into saying Harvey Cromwell.
Ow! Harvey Cromwell! Boy, I'll say he's a big man.
Thank you, honey.
I'll see him first thing in the morning.
Harvey Cromwell! I've given the green light on this project, so let's get right at it.
Let's take it right over tackle and remember, the game isn't over until the last out.
Mr.
Cromwell Yes, Mr.
Taylor? Mr.
Ricardo is here to see you.
Send him in.
Yes, sir.
You may come in now.
Thank you, Mr.
Taylor.
Hello, Mr.
Cromwell.
Oh, hello, Mr.
Ricardo.
It's very kind of you to see me, sir.
It's my pleasure.
Thank you.
Now, we need a show for the Phipps Department Store, and our problem is: What kind of a show? Well, I Uh, sit down, sit down, Taylor.
Let's get as much brain matter on this as possible.
Sit down, Ricardo.
Thank you.
Well, I had an idea I'll take the bull by the horns before any more water passes under the bridge.
Everybody think.
Well, I made a pilot Shh, Ricardo! Think! Now I'm just thinking out loud.
This is right off the top of my head, but try this on for size.
Now, the sponsor wants to appeal to the women in the audience, right? I'll buy that.
So, how about one of those husband-and-wife TV shows? No, no.
Oh, it's close, very close.
There's a lot of good stuff there, but it won't quite wash.
No, no, no, it won't boil the water.
Think! I've got it! What? A Mr.
and Mrs.
TV show! You mean a husband-and-wife show? That's just what you Oh, what an idea, H.
C.
! Thank you.
But that's your Oh, that idea is sheer genius.
Thank you, thank you.
Now, Ricardo, you and your wife be ready to start rehearsal at a moment's notice.
Well, Mr.
Cromwell, I'm afraid that What's the matter, you're married, aren't you? Yes, sir, but, uh, you don't A charming wife.
I met her yesterday.
She thinks she's very talented.
Yes, sir, that's just the point Now, look, here, Ricardo! I'm a very busy man.
We've got the train on the track.
Let's not fumble the ball.
It's a husband-and-wife show or nothing.
Well, if you'd just give me a chance to explain.
Taylor, find out if Cugat is available.
(yelling): Ya-ya-ya-yi! I'll do it.
Good boy! Now, I can count on you and your wife? Yes, sir, you can count on us.
Thank you very much, Mr.
Cromwell.
Thank you, Mr.
Taylor.
Mr.
Ricardo.
And don't worry, sir, we'll, uh we'll boil the water before it passes under the bridge that the train track is on.
(raspy-voiced): Every star above knows the one I love Sweet Sue It's you Hi! Hello.
Uh I saw Mr.
Cromwell.
Don't you want to know how the interview went? No, I'm not particularly interested.
Oh.
Well, um you know about that television show.
I've been thinking it over and, uh there's something I'd like to ask you.
Yes? Well, I thought it might be Well, how would you like it if Let me put it this way: It-it it might be a Nothing.
(phone ringing) Hello.
RICKY: I'd like to speak to Mr.
Taylor, please.
This is Taylor.
Mr.
Taylor, this is Ricky Ricardo.
I just can't Ricardo! I'm glad you called.
H.
C.
has taken the bull by the horns and he's got the train on the track.
Is that good? "Is that good?" We're moving, man.
The time's been cleared, the sponsor's all signed up and we go on the air day after tomorrow at 8:00 a.
m.
from your apartment.
Yeah, but listen, uh And wait until you hear the title H.
C.
has come up with.
"Breakfast with Ricky and Lucy.
" Well, that's great, all right, but, uh This is going to be one of the biggest television programs to hit town in years! Tell your wife to be ready for rehearsals tomorrow morning.
Well, all right.
(off-key): Every star above Knows the one I love Sweet Sue It's you.
And the moon on high Knows the reason why Sweet Sue It's you.
No one else it seems Ever shares my dreams And without you, dear, I don't That voice-- where is it coming from? Huh? That voice-- where is it coming from? What station is it on? That wasn't the radio.
It wasn't? Well, where is that beautiful voice coming from? From this untalented throat.
That was you singing? Yes.
What are you trying to do? Nothing.
I just don't believe it, that's all.
Go ahead, sing some more.
What for? Because I don't believe it.
It was beautiful.
It couldn't have been you singing.
Go ahead, sing some more.
(raspy-voiced): Every star above knows the one I love Sweet Sue It's you.
Wonderful, wonderful! And the moon on high Knows the reason why Sweet Sue It's you.
Sing it, honey, sing it! No one else it seems Ever looks in my dreams And without you, dear, I don't know what I'd do.
What grace, what rhythm.
I didn't know you could dance that way! Sure! And in this heart of mine You live all the time Sweet Sue It's you.
Bravo! Wonderful, wonderful! Gee, did-did you really like it? Like it? Honey, the talent, I Well, I'll tell you what we got to do.
There's just one thing that we have to do.
You have to be on that television show with me.
Really? You really mean it? Yes, I certainly do.
I'm going to go right down to that Mr.
Cromwell's office and I'm going to tell him.
It's either going to be a husband-and-wife show or nothing! What if he says no? Honey, if he wants me, he'll have to take both of us.
I'll go tell him right now.
In this heart of mine Ah, you live all the time Sweet Sue It's you.
Okay, everybody, let's have another rehearsal.
Are you all set, Mrs.
Ricardo? LUCY: All set.
Okay, we'll take it from the top.
Okay.
Phipps Department Store presents "Breakfast with Ricky and Lucy.
" Well, hello there! I didn't see you come in.
Won't you join us for breakfast? Lucy! We have company! Good morning, darling.
Good morning, sweetheart.
Would you like to say good morning to our TV viewers? Oh, whoo-hoo! Good morning, everyone.
Did you sleep well, dear? Oh, what a silly question.
I was sleeping on a Phipps Foam Mattress.
A Phipps Foam Mattress rocks you to sleep.
Ah Is breakfast ready? Oh, yes, darling.
Thank you.
Waffles! That's right, dear.
Mmm! It's delicious! Of course, dear.
I got it from Phipps Fountain and Tea Room.
Food always tastes better when they fix it.
I don't know what they do to it.
Oh, girls! Girls, I just want to tell you something that happened to me.
It was so exciting yesterday.
I got out of bed feeling rather drab and dull, you know, sort of ugh! And then I went to Phipps, and I found the most adorable pair of shoes and the dreamiest new dress and I got the full treatment at Phipps Beauty Salon.
Well, I just felt like a new woman.
If you'll excuse me, I'd like to show you what Phipps did for me.
Would you excuse me? Excuse me, darling.
Certainly.
And while my lovely wife has gone to change to show you what Phipps did for her, I'd like you to meet our lovable and wonderful neighbors, our very good friends, the Mertzes.
Fred and Ethel! Good morning! Hello! Good morning! Hello out there in TV land.
And what have you two early birds been up to? We've been shopping.
Mm-hmm.
You have been shopping? Yeah.
Where? (tone plays on pitch pipe) Oh when we go on shopping trips Where else would we go but Phipps? From the top floor to the bottom If it's bargains, Phipps has got them Down at Phipps, your credit's great Ask today for a Phipps-a-plate First on your list of shopping tips Put (off-key): P-P-P P-h-i-p-p-s, Phipps.
P-P-P TAYLOR: Okay, that's great.
Did you like it? Did I sound all right? Oh, you sounded marvelous.
Well, I think that'll be enough rehearsing for today.
Oh, aren't we going to do the rest of it? Oh, no.
I don't want you to go stale.
Oh.
Mr.
Cromwell likes it to look unrehearsed, like you just did.
Oh.
Yeah.
Well, uh look, I'm due down at the club, so I'll see you all later.
All right, darling.
Bye, honey.
Bye, dear.
Oh, uh, everybody back here at 8:00 in the morning and we'll have a dress rehearsal before we go on the air.
Okay.
We'll be here.
Wasn't that fun? Honey, I love the way you sounded.
Your harmony was great.
Thanks.
Bye.
See you later, honey.
Bye, sweetheart, Mr.
Taylor, was the show really all right? Is it really gonna be good? It looks great.
In my opinion, we're gonna have a hit.
Oh, good.
Mr.
Cromwell certainly had a good idea here.
Mr.
Cromwell? This was Ricky's idea.
No, it was Mr.
Cromwell's idea.
Are you sure? Well, I was there when he thought of it.
Really? Yes.
As a matter of fact, your husband didn't go for the idea.
But Mr.
Cromwell said it would be a Mr.
And Mrs.
Show or nothing.
Oh, he said that, did he? Mm-hmm.
Oh, well, we're all packed up.
Is it all right if we leave the equipment set up till tomorrow? Mm-hmm.
Fine, thank you.
See you in the morning.
Oh, and don't be nervous.
You're going to be sensational.
Thank you.
Bye.
Bye.
(door shuts) Oh! (exasperated sigh) It Oh, is Mr.
Taylor gone? I wanted to ask him if he thought this dress would look all right on television.
What do you think? It's just perfect.
You'll look like a test pattern.
Well! What happened to you? I'll tell you what happened to me.
Mr.
Taylor just informed me that doing a Mr.
and Mrs.
Show was not Ricky's idea at all! It wasn't? No, it was Mr.
Cromwell's idea and Ricky tricked me because Mr.
Cromwell said it was a Mr.
and Mrs.
Show or nothing! Ohh! Well! That's the end of this show for me! I'm not going to do it.
Oh, now, Lucy, if you don't do it, then none of us can be on it! That's too bad.
But this is your big chance! Are you going to muff it? You can call me "Little Miss Muff It"! Now, Lucy, that doesn't sound like you at all-- to quit, to walk out! Gee, if you were planning on going on the show and lousing it up, I could understand that, but I never heard you say you were gonna quit before or walk out Hey, hey, wait a minute, maybe you got something there.
Now, Lucy Lucy, what are you going to do? Maybe I won't want to be on the show.
Oh, I won't do anything on the show, but I can give him a good scare at dress rehearsal, and then he can apologize to me before I do the show.
TAYLOR: All right, everybody in their places for dress rehearsal.
Okay.
Go right there.
Go behind the door there.
That's right.
RICKY: Dress rehearsal now.
Make it a real good one, eh? Okay.
(whispering): It looks like we're going to get away with it.
They really think this is only a dress rehearsal.
Sure.
I told you I was going to fool them.
I set every clock in the house back one hour, Even the Mertzes clocks set back one hour.
Oh, that's great.
They'll be so much more relaxed if they don't know they're on the air.
Sure.
Ooh, we're almost ready.
Good luck, Ricky.
Thank you.
Now listen, everybody, I want to start our dress rehearsal in just ten seconds.
You ready? Yes.
I want you to go through the whole thing from start to finish without stopping, just like we were on the air.
Don't stop for anything no matter what happens.
No matter what happens? No matter what happens.
Okay, here we go.
Phipps Department Store presents "Breakfast with Ricky and Lucy.
" Well, hello there! I didn't see you come in.
Won't you join us for breakfast? Lucy! We have company! Good morning, sweetheart.
Good morning, darling.
Wouldn't you like to say good morning to our TV audience? Ooh, whoo-hoo, good morning, everyone! How did you sleep, dear? Well, I'm not one to complain, but I had a miserable night.
I was trying to sleep on a Phipps Foam Mattress.
But dear, a Phipps Foam Mattress rocks you to sleep.
You mean a Phipps Foam Mattress is like sleeping on rocks.
(nervous chuckle) Funny! Always kidding! Is breakfast ready, dear? Yes, dear.
Waffles! That's right, darling.
(clinks) Oh, oh, oh, I know-- you made this one, eh? No, I didn't, dear.
I had it sent over from Phipps Fountain and Tea Room.
Food always tastes different when they fix it.
I don't know what they do to it.
Oh, girls Girls, I want to tell you something that happened to me.
I got out of bed yesterday, feeling real blah.
Feel like a real slob.
And then I went to Phipps and, boy, what they did to me.
If you'll excuse me, I'd like to show you what Phipps did for me.
Excuse me? Will you excuse me, dear? Gladly.
And while my lovely and wonderful wife is going to change to show you what Phipps did for her, we'd like you to meet our wonderful and lovable neighbors, our very good friends, the Mertzes.
Fred and Ethel! Good morning! Hello! RICKY: Good morning.
Come in.
Good morning! Hello, out there in TV land.
And what have you two early birds been up to? We've been shopping.
Mm-hmm.
You have been shopping? Yeah! Where? Oh, when we go on shopping trips Where else would we go but Phipps? From the top floor to the bottom If it's bargains, Phipps has got them Down at Phipps, your credit's great Ask today for a Phipps-a-plate First thing on your list of shopping tips Put Phipps are a great big bunch of gyps.
TAYLOR: Hold it, hold it, everybody! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Oh, boy, you should have seen your face! (laughing) You think it's pretty funny, eh? Oh, yes, I do.
And for your information, I found out why you were so grand and let me be on your program.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Did they cut us off? Not until after she came out in that getup.
What are you talking about? Who cut who off? What are you talking about? What happened? Who cut who off? For your information, we just told you that this was a dress rehearsal.
What you just did was the show.
Eww! ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.