I Love Lucy (1951) s04e28 Episode Script

Harpo Marx

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) Hi.
Where's Lucy? She went down to get the mail.
Oh, well, I'll wait for her.
Wouldn't she be the one to do something like this? What's the matter, honey? Caroline Appleby gets in town today! What are you so upset about? It'll be wonderful to see Caroline again.
Well, ordinarily it would be, yes, but somehow she's gotten the idea that I'm surrounded by movie stars.
Where did she get an idea like that, I'm pretty sure.
Well, maybe in a letter I-I did drop a name here and there.
Like, uh, who, for instance? Well, uh, I told her that I ate lunch with Clark Gable last week.
Oh, fine.
Now, honey, why would you tell her something like that when you know that it's not true? It is, too, true.
I had lunch with Clark Gable.
I was at Perino's and Clark was there and and we ate lunch together.
At different tables, but together doesn't necessarily mean Okay, okay, we got it, we got it.
Now, who else, who else did you tell her that you've been palling around with? Well, uh, let's see-- Gary Cooper and Bing and, oh, yes, I did mention Marlon Brando.
Marlon Brando.
Did you see On The Waterfront? Wonderful.
He got the Academy Award, you know.
Oh, dear, she says she's going to be here two whole days and wants to meet them all.
What am I gonna do? Hmm? You don't even know what I was going to ask you.
Whenever you get that tone in your voice, the answer is no.
Oh Come on, Fred, we're late for our golf date.
Let's go to the club.
Oh, come on now, Ricky.
I'll see you later.
LUCY: What am I gonna do? I know she's probably on her way over here right now and I haven't even got an idea.
You think of something.
Listen, if Einstein can't work out a problem, you don't hand it to Mortimer Snerd.
But, Ethel, I'm desperate.
Well, I never have any good ideas.
Well, think! Well, Van Johnson was asleep down by the pool a while ago.
Van Johnson? Yeah.
I'll see if he's still there.
Yes, he's still there.
So? Well we could go down and carry him up here without waking him up.
And then we could put him on the couch and when Caroline gets here, we'll say he's a friend of ours and he just dropped by to take a nap.
Thank you, Mortimer Snerd.
Well Eesh! Sheesh! "Carry him up here without waking him up.
" "Just dropped by to take a nap.
" (phone ringing) Whew! Hello? Would you ask her to come up, please? Thank you.
She's here.
What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? Oh, Lucy, this is a tough one.
You know, she'll blab this all over New York.
Well, I guess for once she's just gonna have to face the music.
(fingers snapping) I got it.
From up here, you can't tell whether Van Johnson's asleep or not.
Now, listen, I'm going downstairs and I'm going over by Van, I'm going to sit down and I'm going to pretend to be talking to him.
You'll never know the difference, see.
Now, when-when Caroline comes in, you take her out on the balcony and I'll see her and I'll wave and-and you just tell her I'm down there chatting with one of my movie star friends, see, and then after I wave, I'll come on up.
Oh, that's a great idea! I'll go down the stairs while she's coming up the elevator.
Give me time now to get out by the pool.
(no audio) Oh, hi, Caroline.
Oh, Lucy! Oh, how are you? Fine, dear.
I'm, I'm sorry I'm late, but I-I guess you saw me down by the pool chatting with Van Johnson.
No, she didn't.
What? Oh, Lucy, I could just die.
I lost my glasses on the plane and I can't see a thing without them.
So you didn't see us? Well, I saw two redheaded blurs.
Ethel told me it was you and Van Johnson.
Hmm well, that's a shame.
Gee, that means that you didn't see Clark Gable or Walter Pidgeon or Hedy Lamarr.
They were all down by the pool.
They were? Oh, yes.
Of course they were.
I should have pointed them out to you, Caroline.
Well, it wouldn't have done any good anyway.
You really can't see, huh? Not a thing.
Oh, they're still there.
Hello, Clark.
Hello, Walter.
Hello, Hedy.
Oh, let's go down and see them up close.
Oh, well, good-bye, Clark.
Good-bye, Walter.
Bye, Hedy.
They're off to the races.
Oh Oh, my goodness, Lucy, I certainly am impressed.
Wait till the girls back home hear about this.
Uh, tell me, what's Van Johnson really like? Oh, he's just wonderful.
Just the greatest.
You know, he's appearing in a nightclub here in the hotel.
Yeah, I know.
I'd love to see a show.
Oh, we see it almost every night.
Oh, yeah, we've seen it 14 times, and does he work.
He rehearses two or three hours every afternoon.
You know, um, Caroline, Van and I have gotten very chummy.
Yes, as a matter of fact, he asked me to, uh, rehearse with him this afternoon.
What?! What? Yeah, and, uh, you know, Caroline, if you promise to be very quiet, I could have Ethel sneak you in the back of the ballroom, and you could watch the rehearsal.
Oh, Lucy, you're a doll! What time is rehearsal? Uh, 2:00.
Oh, that's wonderful because I was going to do some shopping this afternoon, but I'll go out and get done now, and then I'll be back.
Oh, where is everything? Well, bye.
See you two.
Lucy, you had such a fascinating little mind.
I kinda hate to see it go.
What do you mean telling Caroline I could sneak her in the back? Well, bub-bub-bub-bup.
Now, Ethel, you've seen Van's act as often as I have.
Now, what does his partner look like? Well, she's tall, she's got red hair And how far can Caroline see without her glasses? Well, she said she could only see from about here to Oh Your little mind wasn't gone.
It was just catnapping.
Now, look, I'll hide over in your apartment.
When Caroline comes back, you take her down to the ballroom.
She'll see Van's partner, she'll think it's me.
Bring her back up here.
I'll come in, all out of breath, wiping my face with a towel.
Oh, you've done it again, champ.
How could you ever have doubted me? I was a fool.
Hi, Ethel.
I'm back.
What are those? What? Those.
Oh, my glasses.
The airline's found them on the plane and sent them over.
Isn't that wonderful? Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Uh is, uh, Lucy rehearsing with Van? Oh, yes.
Well, then, let's go.
Uh, well, uh, uh, well, I think I'll, uh, I want to make a phone call.
I got to tell Fred something.
Give me Room 317, please.
(ringing) Hello.
Hello, Fred? No, Fred isn't here right now.
This is Ethel, Fred.
Now, what's the matter with you, Ethel? This is Lucy.
I know that, Fred.
I want to tell you something.
Caroline's here, and we're going downstairs to watch Lucy rehearse with Van Johnson.
Oh, Caroline's there.
That's right, Fred, and, uh, we thought maybe you'd like to go along.
And if you do go along, I want you to be sure and wear your glasses so you can see as good as Caroline can.
Wh-Wh-What my glass Caroline found her glasses? You guessed it, Fred, old girl uh, boy.
Well, look, uh, uh, stall, stall.
Uh, give me 15 minutes before you bring her down.
What are you gonna do? I don't know, but I'll think of something.
Okay, Fred.
Good-bye, Fred.
What's new, Caroline? Uh, is, uh, Fred coming with us? Fred who? Oh, uh, oh, that Fred? No, no, he's not going with us.
He had something he had to do.
Oh, well, then, let's go.
Go? Oh, uh, down to watch them rehearse, huh? Yeah.
Well, okay, let's go.
Fred! Hi, Caroline.
How are you? I just came over here Oh, bless his little heart! He came over to kiss me good-bye.
Well, good-bye, Fred.
Good-bye? Why, I just got home.
Well, we're just leaving.
I want to show her the hotel before we watch them rehearse.
Come on, honey.
Hello, Marco.
Hey, Van.
I was pretty sloppy last night.
We'd better get down to work.
Where's Hazel? She's not here yet.
That's funny.
She's usually on time.
Let's see what I was doing wrong with that second number.
Take it from the top, Marco.
(piano playing lilting song) I'm sorry, but I'm rehearsing.
Yes, sir, I know.
But nobody's allowed in here during rehearsals.
Well, I know, I know, but, uh, well, we don't have much time.
We don't? Uh, no.
No, you see, it's like this, Mr.
Uh my name is Lucy Ricardo and and my husband is Ricky Ricardo and he's in the movies, too, or at least he will be real soon, so we're all showbiz folks and it isn't like it isn't like some stranger coming up to you on the street and asking a favor and, uh, we really don't have much time.
Haven't I seen you somewhere before? Oh, no, that's impossible.
Now, look, Mr.
Johnson, it's like this: I have this friend from New York and I've been writing her from time to time and-and, uh, you know how it is.
I've been, I've been telling her that, uh, well, that I know a lot of movie stars.
You know, anything to brighten up their drab little lives.
Well, this friend of mine from New York is out here and, uh, I told her that I was rehearsing with you this afternoon and she'll be here any minute.
Who's gonna be here any minute? Caroline Appleby.
Who do you think? You'll pardon me, madam, but you're talking nutsy cuckoo.
Oh, no, no, Mr.
I'm not no, no.
I'm in a terrible jam.
Now, I know this is a lot to ask, but I really do have a friend from New York and she's coming right here to see me rehearse with you.
Please, couldn't I just do a few steps with you? I'm sorry, that's out of the question.
Oh, please, Mr.
Johnson! Please.
I'll be eternally grateful.
I'll, I'll, I'll go see your next picture three times.
I'll, I'll name my next child after you if I have one.
If I don't, I'll, I'll, I'll change the name of the one I already have.
Please? Will you please get up? I understand your problem and I'd like to help you Oh, thank you! Thank you! But I can't.
Oh, Mr.
Johnson Please? Caroline will blab it all over New York.
Please say that I can do it.
Please say you'll help me.
Look, even if I say I would, uh uh you don't know any of my routines and I don't have the time to Oh, oh, but I do.
I've seen your show 14 times.
Really? Yeah.
Yes, I-I-I know how your, how your partner makes the entrance.
Look, I'll show you.
See, she comes in here and you go Da da da dee dee dee Da da da And then she waits for you to sing and I even know the patter in between that she sings in the song.
The little things that she says in between.
Well, I'll be Yeah, well, can I do it, then? Well Oh, please? I'll do it.
Oh, thank you.
LUCY: Ah, bless your heart.
Now-- oh, there they are.
Uh, come on in.
Come in.
It's all right, Ethel.
LUCY: It's okay.
This is my friend.
VAN: Oh.
Appleby, Mr.
How do you do, Mrs.
Appleby? Oh, how do you do, Mr.
Johnson? And Mrs.
How do you do, Mrs.
Mertz? Hello.
Sit down, Ethel.
Sit down.
LUCY: Now, uh, let's just get on with the rehearsal.
They won't bother us.
Oh, uh, Lucy, Yes? I'm not sure about that next routine.
You may have to tell me how it goes again.
You're not sure? Uh Oh.
Well, we-we-we come in, make the entrance, you know, from both sides and then we just all together.
That's it, that's it.
Thank you.
(piano playing "How About You?" intro) I like New York in June June? How about you? Well, it's kinda hot, isn't it? I like a Gershwin tune Gershwin? How about you? Well, I like 'em, but I can't sing 'em.
I like a fireside when the storm is due Who's gonna empty the ashes-- you? I like potato chips Moonlight and motor trips How about you, dear? I'm wild about good books Good books? Can't get my fill What do you do, eat 'em? And Greta Garbo's looks Greta Garbo.
Give me a thrill Did you see Camille? Holding hands in the movie show When all the lights are low May not be new Yeah, well But I like it How about you? Well, now you're talking, boy.
(Caroline laughing) Oh, Lucy, this has been an afternoon I will never forget.
Oh, it was nothing.
Oh, I just can't get over the way you rub elbows with all the celebrities out here.
(chuckles) Well, that's true.
Our elbows are practically raw.
(laughing) And wait till the girls hear about you dancing with Van Johnson! You be sure and tell 'em.
Oh, yes.
And all those movie stars I just missed seeing this afternoon.
Mm When do you think you'll see them again? When are you leaving? Tonight.
Oh, what a shame.
We're having a big open house here tomorrow afternoon.
Maybe Charlie will let you stay.
No no, I don't think there's a chance.
These reservations were too hard to get.
Well, it's a shame, Caroline, because practically every star in town will be here-- Cary Grant, mm Walter Pidgeon and Marlon and Oh! Well, at least I got to meet Van.
That's true, that's true.
ETHEL: Yeah.
Well, I guess I'd better say good-bye.
It's just been wonderful.
It's been nice seeing you, Caroline.
I'm so glad you came out here.
Oh, it was wonderful.
(all talking at once) Hi, Caroline.
How are you? Hi, Caroline.
Good to see you.
Oh, yeah.
How's Charlie? Oh, he's just wonderful and I can't wait to see him to tell him about Lucy dancing with Van Johnson! Isn't that nice? Well, bye, everybody.
FRED: Good-bye.
(door closes) LUCY: Oh, boy, I sure envy them going to Honolulu.
Sounds like an awful lot of fun, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, but-but- but-but wait a minute here.
There is something here that needs 'splaining.
What needs 'splaining? What's this nonsense about you dancing with Van Johnson? It's not nonsense.
I did dance with Van Johnson.
She's told so many of those wild stories, she's beginning to believe them herself.
No! I was there and I saw her.
Well, whatever Lucy's got, it's catching.
It's true.
I've van I danced with Van Johnson this afternoon.
Now look, honey.
Wait a minute.
This is me, this is not Caroline.
(phone ringing) You're talking to Ricky, remember? Vance with dance? What is that? She's gone completely Hello.
(chuckles) Hello, Van.
How are you, boy? It's funny that you happened to call now because My wife? Yeah.
Hello, Van.
What? Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Who, me? Well, yes.
Yes, I'll be right down.
Van's partner is ill and he wants me to dance with him tonight.
You? Yes.
I'm off to rehearsal.
Oh, isn't this gonna be exciting? It'll be great for her.
How do I look? Oh, grand, grand.
Oh, you look beautiful.
How do you feel? You feel all right? Sure.
I feel fine.
Now you're not gonna be nervous or anything? Of course she's not nervous.
Why should I be nervous? Oh, nothing, nothing.
Uh, I guess you can, uh, jance, uh, dance just as well alone with him as out there in front of all those people.
You're more nervous than I am.
Yes, I know it.
All those people? Yeah.
Oh, now, Lucy, don't pay any attention to Fred.
He doesn't make any sense.
The whole world's out there! Oh, now, honey RICKY: Honey! I've never seen so many people.
Everything all right? Yeah, but-but there're all those people out there.
So what? What's the difference? What's the matter? What happened? Oh, thanks to bigmouth Mertz, she's suddenly discovered there's a big crowd out there.
So what, honey? Well You don't have to worry about the big crowd.
Now, look, honey, let me tell you something.
Just-just think about this just like it was a rehearsal.
You just go When you start dancing, you forget about those people.
Dancing is just dancing.
Just like a rehearsal? Just like a rehearsal, honey.
Oh, look.
Isn't that beautiful? Oh, yes, you look lovely.
Oh, yeah.
You look nice and everything.
Sure, don't worry about it.
You can do it.
Hi, Van.
Well you all set, Lucy? Yeah.
We're on in two minutes.
Lucy's saving my life tonight, you know.
It's a sellout.
It's the biggest crowd they've ever had.
That's right.
Biggest crowd they've ever had! Yeah, that's all right, honey.
Biggest crowd they've ever had.
Honey, now, look, you'll be all right.
I can't do it, honey.
Yes, you can.
You go to your table, I'll take care of her.
Honey, I haven't had enough rehearsal, I can't do it.
I haven't had enough rehearsal, honey.
Honey, it's all right.
I only had a chance to go through it twice.
I'm telling you, you have to think it's just about I can't.
Come on, I'll help you.
I can't, honey.
I'll help you there.
You've got to go on.
Honey, I can't.
Honey, it's just like it was a rehearsal.
EMCEE: Beverly Palms Hotel takes great pride in presenting Van Johnson and partner.
(applause) ("How About You?" intro playing) I like New York in June How about you? I like a Gershwin tune Gershwin? How about you? I-I don't know how to sing 'em.
I like a fireside when the storm is due Who's going to empty the ashes-- you? I like potato chips Moonlight and motor trips Smile.
How about you, dear? I'm wild about good books Good books? Can't get my fill What do you do, eat 'em? And Greta Garbo's looks Greta Garbo? Give me a thrill Did you see Camille? Holding hands in the movie show When all the lights are low May not be new Yeah, well But I like it How about you? Now you're talking, boy.
Yes, sir.
(tempo picks up) Holding hands in the movie show When all the lights are low May not be new But I like it How about you? (applause) You were wonderful, Lucy.
Thank you very much.
(gasps) Oh Oh whew! Honey, you were wonderful! Oh, Lucy! You were just wonderful! I've never been so excited in my life.
Wasn't she good?! How about that! You did it perfect! Oh, thank you! Oh, Lucy, you were wonderful! Caroline, what are you doing here? Well, I talked Charlie into going on without me and I'm taking another plane.
Another plane? Why, yes.
I just couldn't miss your party tomorrow.
I'm going to stay over and meet Clark and Bing and Cary.
Eww! ANNOUNCER: Next week I Love Lucy will be brought to you by Lilt Home Permanents.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) Caroline Appleby was played by Doris Singleton and Van Johnson portrayed himself.
Choreography by Peggy Carroll.
I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.