I Love Lucy (1951) s04e30 Episode Script

The Tour

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) Are you ready? Lucy, I told you, you cannot go with me.
Yeah, I know you told me that, but you didn't mean it.
Yes, I did mean it.
But, Ricky, you're having lunch with Richard Widmark at Romanoff's.
Well, why can't I go with you? Give me one good reason.
I don't want you there.
Ricky, look.
If you say I can go with you, I promise I-I won't say a word.
All I want to do is just sit and drool at him.
Honey, you won't even know I'm there.
I'll be as quiet as a mouse.
I won't eat very much, just a little piece of cheese.
I'll, I'll even pick up the check for the whole lunch.
How about that? No, thanks, sport.
Oh, Ricky, please.
This is the opportunity of a lifetime.
Please say I can go with you.
You may not go with me.
Ricky Ricardo, can you look me in the eye and tell me I cannot have lunch with Richard Widmark, my idol, my dream man? You cannot have lunch with Richard Widmark, your idol, your dream man.
Would you like to try the other eye? Now, look, Lucy, let me try to get this into that little thick skull of yours.
Now, I am not positively, absolutely taking you along with me definitely.
(sighing) Well, it finally happened.
What has? I knew the day would come when you'd go too far.
I'm gonna punch you in the nose, buster.
What?! (grunting) Come on now.
Come on now.
Ricky! Ricky, come on now! Hey, hey! What's going on? Nothing.
Calm down, will you, Lucy? Calm down! Calm down! Lucy, what did he do? He's having lunch with Richard Widmark at Romanoff's and he won't take me along.
Let me at the dirty rat.
Hey, hey, now.
Never mind, Rocky, never mind.
Honestly, I am never gonna tell you when I'm having lunch with anyone again.
You didn't tell me this time, remember? Well, I'm never gonna have a telephone with an extension again.
You're just being mean.
You know how much I want to meet him.
Aw, Ricky, why don't you take her along? What's the harm? I never thought I'd agree with these two, Rick, but why don't you take her along? Well, well, well.
It's very obvious that all of you are gonna buyer me, so "Buyer me"? You know what I mean.
"Buyer me"? I think there is something that all of you should know.
Well, in these short three months that we've been out here, Lucy has become a Hollywood legend.
Me, a Hollywood legend? Yes, that's right.
When I'm out in the street, people point me out and say, "There he goes.
"That's the fellow that's married to that redheaded screwball.
" Oh, they do not.
And then the first thing they want to know when they meet me: "Is it true "that she threw a pie at Bill Holden in the Brown Derby?" I told you, I did not throw that pie.
The waiter bumped into me.
Uh-huh, well, yeah.
And then they want to know if she really sneaked into Cornel Wilde's room dressed as a bellhop.
Well, I that And the commotion that that orange that she had Robert Taylor autograph for her at the Farmer's Market.
Now, listen, there's a good, logical reason for everything that's happened to me.
Well, I'm sure that there is, honey, but I haven't got time to listen to them now.
So, uh, I'll see you later, character.
Yeah, I'll see you.
I don't like that tone.
You are thinking again.
There's no law against my going to Romanoff's, too, and perhaps dropping by your table and delivering a cheery little hello Lucy to someone that I Lucy think is real dreamy.
Lucy! What? I want you to listen to me and I want you to listen very carefully.
If I as much as see your face in Romanoff, I am gonna wrap you up in brown paper and mail you back to New York! And that's an ultimatum! (door slamming) An ultimatum?! Well, I'm not surprised.
I am.
I didn't think he knew how to pronounce it.
Oh, nuts.
Hey, I know where you can go and be surrounded by movie stars Where? all afternoon.
Take that bus trip we were reading about, the one that goes through Beverly Hills.
Oh, I don't want to see the outsides of their houses.
I want to see them in person, up close.
That's right, you like to be within pie-throwing range.
Oh, Fred! Well, you two do what you like.
I'm going to the ball game.
Where's that pamphlet, tells about that bus ride? Over here.
Is this bus that tours the movie stars' homes? Yes, ma'am, but we don't leave for a few minutes yet.
Oh, well, that's good 'cause we want to get a good seat.
Where's the best place to sit? You can see equally as well on either side.
Uh, this'll show you where we go.
Your tickets, please? Thank you.
Let's sit here, Ethel.
All right.
I want to sit by the window.
Why? 'Cause I'm right-handed.
What's that got to do with it? Oh, move to the other side, Ethel.
Well, look, Why? when we go out Wilshire Boulevard, the La Brea Tar Pits and all these buildings are on the left.
That's the best side.
Go on.
You got two right hands? Come on.
Thank you.
We'll miss The ocean if we stay on this side.
Now, look, Lucy Come on, before somebody else gets on and takes that seat.
Come on! Ethel This seat is very comfortable.
I can see fine.
Ethel This is just great.
Clark Gable's house is on the left and so is Bob Hope's.
Oh, Lucy, we're not gonna move again.
You want to bet? Well, I'm sorry if we're bothering you, but we paid our money for this trip and we want to see everything.
I wish there was someplace we could sit so we could see both sides.
Oh, but there is.
Where? I could strap you onto the front of the bus! Well! I don't see anything so funny about that.
Oh, I think you had it coming.
Come on now, we can see things over there much better than over here.
I am not going to move.
Oh, all right.
You stay with the Pacific Ocean.
I'll take Clark Gable and the La Brea Tar Pits Go ahead.
if you don't mind.
Pardon me, ma'am, but this seat is taken.
Sure is, honey.
Pardon me, madam, it doesn't seem to be getting through to you, but this seat is taken.
Me, here.
DRIVER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard.
I'd like to tell you about where you're going on our tour.
We're first going down the Hollywood Freeway to the downtown area.
Then we'll come back up Wilshire Boulevard all the way to the beach.
Then we'll go through the Pacific Palisades, Brentwood, Bel Air, Holmby Hills and Beverly Hills.
Beverly Hills.
That's where we want to go.
(bus engine starting) DRIVER: That beautiful colonial mansion over there is Mr.
Alan Ladd's home.
Alan Ladd! Yeah, gee, it would be nice if we could see Sue Carol walking around there.
And over here on the left is Shirley Temple's old home.
Right there by that big hedge, you see? What's that? Shirley Temple's old home over here.
Old home.
Not the one she's in-- she's married now; she's married to Mr.
Lady Oh.
Now, if you look at that hedge, you will see a mailbox.
Where? Now Over this side, please.
That's a replica of Shirley Temple's dollhouse she used to play in the backyard with.
I can't see.
Where is it? This side, please.
Oh, yeah! Yeah, Ethel, it's just like a little dollhouse.
I can't see a thing.
Oh! Please! Please! Lady Lady.
What? Lady, please.
Your ticket entitles you to one seat.
Will you please stay in it! Well, I couldn't see! Well, you're supposed to see what he's talking about, aren't you? You pay Now, over here on the right, that red brick house next to Alan Ladd's is the home of Miss Ava Gardner.
Ava Gardner! Look, you can see the laundry on the line.
I read all about her in a movie magazine.
They say she just bought scads of new clothes when she was in Rome.
-If you look at the backyard, -Did she? there you can see And her favorite type the swimming pool of clothes are evening gowns and plain, black slacks.
and the tennis courts and And I understand that she wears nothing but black lace lingerie.
What are you doing? What's the matter with you? Well, since you seem to know so much about it, I thought maybe you would like to take over.
Well! Here.
(whispering) Well, I don't see why.
And up the street there, that old English house, I haven't ladies and got anything gentlemen, to say to that, do I? that is the home of Miss Joan Crawford.
Joan Crawford! (bus engine starting) That, uh, ranch-type home on the left, ladies and gentlemen, belongs to Betty Grable and Harry James.
Oh! It's a beautiful house.
Oh, look at that.
And over here-- there's a beautiful home over there by that high wall you can see there-- that is the home of Mr.
Richard Widmark.
Richard Widmark! Uh, I'd like you to know that my husband is having lunch with Richard Widmark right this minute at Romanoff's.
No! Wait till I tell Lana about that at dinner tonight.
Now, listen, you Now, Lucy, don't start anything.
I was just trying to give them an interesting bit of information.
He is having lunch at Romanoff's right this minute with Mr.
Richard Widmark.
Isn't that a beautiful house? Isn't that Yes.
something? I knew he'd have a house Oh, look! There's grapefruit growing right out there in his backyard.
See over that wall? Yeah.
Gee, I'd love to have a Richard Widmark grapefruit to go with my Robert Taylor orange.
What a fruit salad that'd make! Yeah.
The next area we're about to enter, ladies and gentlemen Uh, driver Yes? Driver, I'd like to get off the bus, please.
No, no, I can't do that, madam.
I've a schedule to keep.
I just want to pick a grapefruit.
Look, this may come as a shock to you, but you can buy one in the corner market.
Oh, you are humorous.
Open the door, please.
Come on, Ethel.
Just a minute, lady.
If you go through that door, it's your own responsibility.
Well, will you at least wait for us? Go ahead.
Try me.
(falsetto): "Go ahead.
Try me.
" Come on, we'll take a cab back.
Gee, I didn't think he'd really leave us, did you? Oh, I don't care.
I'm glad he did.
Well, let your grapefruit and let's get out of here.
Gee, this wall is higher than I thought.
Give me a step up.
A step up? You know, you know how they do it like this.
You gonna climb the wall? Well, sure.
Come on, go like this now.
All right.
Now hold on.
You ready? Yeah.
One, two, three! (grunting) Come on, Ethel, I'm close.
Want your other one on it? Yeah.
Okay, now You all right? Is there any more there? One more.
Whoo! Did you make it? Yeah.
Can you get one? Sure.
Oh, boy, are they beauties.
Here's one.
Can you get that one? Yeah.
Oh, it's not (screaming) Lucy! Sheesh! Lucy, are you all right? Yeah.
I got one! Come on now, let's get out of here.
Just a minute.
Come on.
Oh Ethel.
You should see it back here.
Gee, is it beautiful.
There's a swimming pool and a tennis court and a barbecue pit and a doghouse.
(dog growling) And a dog! (dog barking ferociously) Lucy, come on! Ethel Come on! Come on! Get out of here, buster! Go on! Stop it! Now cut it out.
The biggest dog you have ever seen.
I guess he just wants to play, but (growling) Stay away.
Now cut it out.
Please, oh! Lucy? Lucy, what happened? (dog barking) Go Go away now.
Go on! Come on! Come on! Oh, no! He's got my shoe.
Oh, Lucy, those are your good shoes.
Is he chewing it up? No, but he swallowed it whole.
Oh, no.
Come on now.
Come on.
Oh, no, no! Cut it out! (barking) No, wait! (barking) Oh, please.
Ethel? Yeah? Ethel, there's no way to get back over this wall.
(gasps) Lucy, what are you gonna do? Well, now wait a minute, wait a minute.
My gosh, it's walled all around.
There's no way out.
Oh For heaven's sake.
Oh, listen.
Yeah? Listen.
Huh? The back door is open, and I'll sneak in and I'll sneak through the house and get out the front.
You wait for me out there.
Oh, you can't do that.
It's the only way.
Now go-go on! (barking incessantly) (yelling) (phone ringing) WOMAN: I'm coming! I'm coming.
Widmark's residence.
Oh, hi.
No, I'm not busy.
Widmark's off to the studio and I've got nothing to do.
What's new? No kidding? You really broke up with him? Tell me all about it.
Really? You don't mean it.
Oh, Fred.
Oh, thank goodness you're home.
Listen, I'm in Beverly Hills, and Lucy's in an awful mess.
Never mind "what else is new.
" Now, listen, we got off of the bus in front of Richard Widmark's house because Lucy wanted to pick a grapefruit that was growing in his backyard.
So, she got up on the wall and she tried to get it and she fell over the other side and then she told me that she couldn't get out.
So, she said for me to go around and wait in front and that she would go through the house and meet me out there and I've been standing out there for an hour and she never did come out Stop saying, "Madam, you've got the wrong number!" Now, this-this is the worst part.
Richard Widmark just drove by here and he had Ricky in the car with him and we've got to get Lucy out of there.
Now, I've got a plan.
Oh, really? You don't mean it.
Uh, say, listen, Mr.
Widmark just drove up.
I've got to go now.
RICHARD: Come on in, Rick.
RICKY: Hey, this is a lovely house.
RICHARD: Uh, we sort of like it.
We've lived here for quite a long time now.
From the hallway here, you can see the living room.
RICKY: Oh, yes, yes.
RICHARD: Just beyond that is the dining room and a little breakfast room.
RICKY: Uh-huh.
And, uh, right in here is the trophy room.
Oh, this is nice.
Come on, I'll show you the pool.
RICKY: Okay.
I'd love to see the backyard.
Now, there's the pool right over there.
Oh, isn't that nice? Over there to the left, that's the tennis court.
Oh, yeah.
You play a lot of tennis? Oh, not too much.
I'm getting a little old for that.
RICKY: I'm taking up golf, yeah.
RICHARD: Oh, I like golf better.
Easier, easier.
I got some fruit trees in the back there, too.
(dog barking) Uh-huh.
Got some oranges and lemons.
Hello there, Cap.
How are you? Oh, isn't he a beautiful dog! Been a good boy? Yeah, he's a big one.
Yes, this room is really my favorite.
Well, I don't blame you.
This is really something.
Say, I didn't know that you were interested in big game hunting.
Oh, yeah.
I got started on it when I was on location in Africa.
Oh, yeah.
I got that water buffalo here.
Isn't that beautiful? You know, I had an uncle who combed his hair just like that.
(laughing) Say, Rick, did you ever shoot a gun? Well, I won a Kewpie doll at Coney Island once.
Well, I was hoping to get some shooting in last summer in Germany.
I made a picture there called A Prize Of Gold, but I was too busy.
Oh, yeah, you know, a lot of people told me that that's a great picture.
Well, it's nice to know that people are saying something about it anyway.
Hey, you see those two heads there? What are those? Those are boars' heads.
Wow! Got those down at Borneo.
Look at those teeth.
Aren't they something, though? Mm-hmm.
You seen your dentist lately? A couple of years ago, I was over in India Uh-huh.
and I got this tiger.
Oh, yeah.
What do you think of this? RICHARD: I don't know what he's laughing at.
What are those over there? Oh, hose are giant sable antelope antlers.
They're sharp.
Say, Ricky Ricky, I've been meaning to ask you: These stories I've been hearing about your wife, are they true? RICKY: Oh, yeah.
I mean, did she really throw a pie at Bill Holden? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She did, huh? Yeah, I've been waiting for you to ask me that.
You were? Um you know that story about her throwing a pie at Holden at the Brown Derby? RICHARD: Yeah, that's the one I heard.
And also that thing about she sneaking into Cornel Wilde's room Yeah, I heard about it.
That's true.
And then she met Taylor at the Farmer's Market one day and she asked him to sign his orange.
I heard rumors about that.
I'll tell you You know something? She's a very nice girl, but, uh, it's just that something happens to her when she gets close to a movie star.
Yeah, I got you.
I got you.
As a matter of fact, she wanted to join us in our luncheon today.
What? No, don't worry about it.
She's not within ten miles of here.
Well, that's good.
From the way she sounds, I might end up with another head on my wall.
Listen, Ricky.
Yeah? Have you ever seen a real elephant gun? No.
Well, take a look at this.
I got this about five years ago down in Nairobi.
RICKY: Isn't that a beautiful thing? That's got a kick like ten (jabbering) All right, Cap, I'll take it from here.
Please, put that Well Is, uh, this, uh? The pie-thrower herself, yes.
How are you? Please, I can explain.
It's all very normal and natural.
I-I can tell you just how it happened, but put that down first, please.
Huh? Well, now, I don't know about that.
It'd be such a public service to Hollywood.
You might even get a special Oscar.
Ricky! Thank you.
Go ahead.
No, no, no, please! Please! I can explain.
All right, go ahead.
Go ahead.
Explain? Yeah, go ahead and explain.
Well Sit down, Cap.
You might as well listen to this.
Oh, you wouldn't believe it anyway.
Go ahead and shoot.
No, now, fellas! Well look, it-it was this way.
Uh, the whole thing wouldn't have happened if I hadn't hadn't got trapped inside your wall.
There's no way out of there.
You'll be very happy to know that you're very well-protected, sir.
Oh, thank you.
Isn't nice to know? Oh, yeah.
And I and I Oh, by the way, I have a grapefruit I'd like you to autograph.
May I? Be my guest.
Thank you.
No! Now, Ricky! You see, Mr.
Widmark, uh, Ricky was going to have lunch with you and he wouldn't let me come along, so Ethel and I took one of those bus tours that goes all around the movie stars' home RICKY: Ethel Ethel is a girlfriend.
Oh, I see.
A girlfriend from New York, and we went all around the movie stars' homes and we went past your house and-and, uh, we saw the grapefruit growing out over the wall So I-I-I sneaked through the house and I was intending to get out the front and you came in, and-and I ran in here and I tried to hide and that's all there is to it.
Well? Well, it sort of makes sense in a crazy mixed-up way.
Oh, that's, that's the trouble with her.
It is? Yeah.
Uh, pardon me, Mr.
Widmark, there's some people here from the mental hospital.
A mental hospital? Oh, there you are, Miss Bell! (Fred muttering) There you are, dear.
No, no We'll take you right back All right, all right, everybody, hold it! Oh, you don't understand.
This woman's very dangerous.
Yeah, I know that.
I've known that for a long time.
She's very dangerous, yes, and he knows that she is my wife.
Fred, Ethel, I'd like you to meet someone, Mr.
How do you do? Oh, how That's all right, Richard.
These are my next-door neighbors.
How do you do? Well, how convenient for you, Ricky, to live next door to a mental hospital.
Oh, no, now, these are just costumes.
We wanted to get Lucy out of here before you found out she was Ricky's wife.
Oh, I see.
RICKY: Isn't that simple? Yes, very simple.
Ricky, uh, you must lead a very interesting life.
Yes, yeah, yeah, it's got its moments, yeah.
Well, I'll tell you, Dick, the way I look at it is this way: You know, everybody has a problem.
You know, there are some people that have financial problems Yeah.
and then there are people that have health problems.
Everybody has something, you know? Got you.
Well RICKY: there it is.
It's my problem.
RICKY: But I love her.
Oh, honey! (laughing) Isn't he wonderful? Amazing.
Oh, would you autograph my grapefruit, please? (clearing throat) Yes, ma'am.
Thank you.
ANNOUNCER: Next week I Love Lucy will be brought to you by Lilt Home Permanents.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) The driver was Benny Rubin, the maid was Juney Ellis, the women on the bus were Barbara Pepper and Audrey Betz and Richard Widmark portrayed himself.
I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.