I Love Lucy (1951) s05e17 Episode Script

Lucy Goes to Scotland

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: And now, "I Love Lucy.
" (applause) Oh, honey, what a show! That scene where the girl sacrificed herself to save the whole village- well, it was just wonderful.
Isn't that great? Yeah, and weren't those Scotch costumes colorful? The men in the kilts and the bagpipes and the sword dance! Oh, gee, I enjoyed it.
Yeah, I did, too.
Ricky, I've got an idea! No! You don't even know what it is.
Oh, yes, I do.
You want to go to Scotland and look up your mother's relatives.
You think you're so smart.
That wasn't it at all.
That was the farthest thing from my mind.
All right, what was your idea? Well, why can't we go to Scotland? I promised Mother that, that I'd look up some of the McGillicuddy clan.
Maybe bring back a bolt of the family plaid, you know.
Just forget it.
Oh, why, honey? No.
(knock at door) Scotland isn't very far.
Come in! It wouldn't take very long to go to Scotland.
Hi, honey! Oh, hi, hi! We waited up to see how you like the show.
Oh, I just loved it! What is that? Well, it's a dragon.
I bought it to take home for little Ricky.
I thought it was something different.
Well, it's different all right.
Well, I have never seen anything like this before.
Really? Well, when I was a kid, they had toy dragons.
When you were a kid, they had real dragons.
Well, it certainly is a ferocious-looking beast.
ETHEL: Do you think it'll scare little Ricky? Oh, no, he'll love it.
Ethel, how would you like to go to Scotland? Scotland! Yeah.
Yeah, she wants to go to Scotland to look for some of her mother's relatives.
Look, honey, Scotland is a big place.
You can't just get off the train and walk up to someone and say, "Take me to the nearest McGillicuddy.
" I know just where to look.
My great-great-great-grandfather was Angus McGillicuddy.
He lived in the wee town of Kildoonan in Northern Scotland.
It's between Golspie and Ullapool.
Oh, you must have made that up.
I did not.
Now, look, all I want to do is send a wire up there and see if any of our relatives are still around.
All right.
I'd like to hear you explain to the operator about Gillhooly between Galespie and Babalu and the Cranafranz.
Aa-ah! Hello, uh, I'd like to send a telegram, please.
Good night, honey.
Good night, baby.
(makes kissing sounds) (chuckling) Angus McGillicuddy.
(laughing harder) What's so funny about Angus McGillicuddy? Oh, nothing, nothing.
It's a very ordinary, everyday name.
I know a hundred of them.
You should talk.
I'll bet your great-great-great- grandfather's name was probably Enchilada Ricardo.
All right, good night.
'Night.
Oh, you take the high road And I'll take the low road (mimics bagpipes playing song) Lucy, turn off those bagpipes! (song fading out) Now go to sleep.
Aye, laddie! Good night.
Hoot mon! (townspeople murmuring) Calm yourselves, my friends, calm yourselves! Mayor Ferguson, is there noo way to save our happy home? Noo, there's noo way.
As you're all aware, the ferocious dragon comes to Kildoonan every 30 years to eat a McGillicuddy, and for the first time in our history, there's not a single member of old Angus McGillicuddy's clan left to throw to the monster.
(music begins) Then we must flee.
Aye! It's either flee or dee.
Tis nae a braw bricht nicht tonicht! TOWNSPEOPLE: 'Tis nae, 'tis nae There's a terrible two-headed dragon Who can swallow with either head If he dinna' fill his toupe wi' McGillicuddy soup He'll ruin Kildoonan instead TOWNSPEOPLE: Ruin Kildoonan instead! Ruin Kildoonan instead! Ah, to find a McGillicuddy would take a bonnie wizard! There's nary a man o' bonnie clan They're all in the dragon's gizzard TOWNSPEOPLE: All in the dragon's gizzard All in the dragon's gizzard.
(all wailing) ALL: Nae a braw bricht nicht! (applause) Pardon me, but are you the mayor? Aye.
Who are you? Oh, well, I'm Lucy, the great-great- great-granddaughter of Angus McGillicuddy.
McGilli Do you hear that, lads? She's a McGillicuddy! (all cheering) Well, golly, what a welcome! I didn't know you'd be this glad to see me! Lucy McGillicuddy, you look good enough to eat! (laughter) Well! How can we be sure the lass is a real McGillicuddy? Oh, I am, I am.
Cross my heart and hope to dee.
Well, then you can prove it.
Let us see you do the Sworrrd Dance! The Sworrrd Dance? Aye.
You can dance it, aye? Aye.
TOWNSPEOPLE: Aye.
Ay-ay-ay.
Bring out the swords! On with the Sword Dance! Come along, Lucy.
(bagpipes and drums playing) (song ends) (music resumes) (music stops abruptly) (drumroll) (drumroll) (bagpipes begin playing) (bagpipes and drums playing) (cymbals clashing) (moans of disappointment) Well, I am a McGillicuddy.
Aye, that you ar-r-e! There never was a McGillicuddy could dance worth a hoot! Oh! Aye, do you know what that means, lads? Ha, ha, ha! A McGillicuddy is here! (all cheering, music begins) When you meet a McGillicuddy Coming through the rye Then you've got a real buddy Who for you would die! TOWNSPEOPLE: There's nothing a McGillicuddy would not do for ye Do you want her shirt, her kilt, her cat? Ha, ha! She'll give you that That's me! Give a cry! Hiye! A cry! Hiye! A cry and a yell and a cheer Give a cry and a yell and a hoot and a hiye A McGillicuddy is her-r-e! ALL: Give a cry and a yell and a hoot and a hiye A McGillicuddy is here! (piano playing) Oh, 'tis very nice to see a McGillicuddy face Even though it nae may be very long around this place If you're a McGillicuddy, you're a heck of a regular fella.
Yeah, well, my mother was a Cuddy and my father was a Megillah.
There's nothing a McGillicuddy would not do for ye If it's feed you need or a friendly chat She'll give you that That's me! Give a hoot A hoot Give a hoot and a yell and a cheer Give a hoot and a yell and a cry and a hiye A McGillicuddy is here ALL: Give a hoot and a yell and a cry and a hiye A McGillicuddy is here! (piano playing) You make me feel so welcome You really have the knack And though I've not been here before I su-r-re am glad I'm back! (amicable laughter) Some cousins of my mother's Are they around here yet? The McGillicuddy brothers? Aye.
Ha, ha, ha! Hail fellas- well et! (laughter) Ther-r-e's ALL: nothing a McGillicuddy would not do for ye I'd give you my Davy Crockett hat My shillings, my fillings My cricket bat My candied yams, my brandied quince My TV antenna, my henna rinse! To save us strife TOWNSPEOPLE: She'll give us her life! That's me! (drum beating with footsteps) That's me? Give a yeoww! Yeoww! Burrr! Burrr! A yeoww and a burrr And a cheer Give a yeoww and a burrr and a burrr and a yeoww A McGillicuddy is here! LUCY: Give a yih and a hih and a who and a wha' A McGillicuddy was h-h-here TOWNSPEOPLE: A McGillicuddy is here A McGillicuddy is here A McGill-i-cuddy is here! (song ends) All right.
Take her to the inn and fatten her up! She looks a wee bit bony.
Come along, me bony lassie.
What do you mean, fatten me up? What's the matter with everybody? You were just so glad to see me a minute ago! Aye, that we were, and that we are.
Well, what about a hut and hoo and a what and a burrr and all that stuff? Oh, take her away! (clamoring) Aye, here comes Scotty MacArdo, and he's in a terrible dither! Mayor! Aye, Scotty.
Mayor! Mayor, I'm in a terrible dither.
I just saw the dr-r-agon.
No! When did he arrive? Last nicht.
Last nicht? Last nicht.
I could see him because there was a bra bricht moonlicht nicht last nicht.
We must flee! R- r-run! R-r-run! Not so fast! not so fast! Hold your britches.
What britches? The one you wear under your kilts.
You're supposed to wear britches? Scotty, Scotty, we found a McGillicuddy.
A real McGillicuddy? Aye, aye.
And I hereby assign you to keep an eye on her till we can throw her to the dragon tomorrow.
Aye.
She's in the inn, and do not let her oot.
Aye.
ALL: A McGillicuddy is here.
A McGillicuddy is here.
RICKY (sotto voce): A McGillicuddy is here.
A McGillicuddy is here.
Are you a McGillicuddy? That's right.
My name is Lucy.
I'm sorry, Miss Lucy.
I kinna let you pass.
Why not? I'm your bodyguard.
I'm Scotty MacTavish MacDougall MacArdo.
You're Scotch? Aye.
My great-great- great-grandfather sailed to Scotland with the Spanish Armada.
Perhaps you've heard of him- Enchilada Ricardo.
Why are you lookin' at me like that, Scotty MacTavish MacDougall MacArdo? Lucy, you gaha maha pihee face.
"I gaha "maha pihee face"? I believe I'm in love with ye.
With me? Aye.
Little old heather-pickin' me? It was love at firrrst sight.
But woe is me! What's the matter? You're in grave danger.
Why? They're going to throw a McGillicuddy to the dragon tomorrow.
They're going to throw me to a dragon? Aye.
Every 30 years, they throw a McGillicuddy to the two terrible two-headed dragon for his dinner.
No wonder I'm the last of the McGillicuddys! I'm in love with the dragon's dinner The dragon's embraceable dinner I'll swear my love will e'er be true I'll serve ye with all me heart But the hungry dragon will serve ye, too He'll serve ye a la carte He'll serve me a la carte? He'll serve ye a la carte I'm in love with the dragon's dinner And the dragon's a drag on me! I'm in love with the dragon's dinner The dragon's embraceable dinner My bonnie chick, you'll always be You'll fill my every need But woe is me I hate to see my chicken fricasseed "Your chicken fricasseed"? My chicken fricasseed You're the stew in the dragon's dinner And the dragon's a drag on me Maybe a nip of heather mist would put ye in the mood? Well, that would be a novel twist even the stew would be stewed.
But when that dragon starts to eat, I'll really get his goat.
I'll kick and I'll scratch and I'll drag my feet all the way down his throat! I'm in love with the dragon's dinner The dragon's embraceable dinner Our weddin' day we ne'er will see Or our kids that might have been Kith and kin we ne'er will be So kith me while you kin! So kiss me while you kin! And kiss me once again I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in love with the dragon's dinner And the dragon's a drag on me! Why does it always have to be a McGillicuddy the dragon eats? Oh, that's life, lassie.
It's nature's way.
Cats eat mice, dogs eat bones, cows eat grass, and dragons eat McGillicuddys.
Well, let's you and I go and have a talk with this terrible two-headed dragon.
Maybe it'll listen to reason.
Well, wha' ha' we got to lose? Let's go.
(growling and grunting) (sneezing) (honking) I wish you'd get over that cold.
It's driving me crazy! Aah! Gee, I haven't eaten in 30 years.
Boy, am I starved! Me, too! Mmm Won't it be good to sink our teeth into a nice, fresh McGillicuddy? Aye, yummy, yummy, yum! How will we have it this time? How about a McGillicuddy burger? Nah, no.
Well, what about McGillicuddy foo yong? Oh, no! Why not? Well, we only eat once every 30 years.
You know how that Chinese food is- you eat it and a year later, you're hungry.
Well, I still want a McGillicuddy foo yong.
Well, I don't! Well, I do! Well, I don't! I do! Oh, who ever said two heads are better than one? Aah (music begins) Two heads are nae better than one, than one They're not even better than none, than none So pity a two-headed dragon Two heads are nae better than one Hoot mon! Hoot mon! Whenever I come to a fork in the road My heads have a terrible fight My right head wants to go to the left And my left wants to go to the right! I want to go this way! I want to go that! You see, we could never agree.
Oh, I wish we had another head to be the referee! Hoot mon! Hoot mon! However, there's one good reason for an extra head to keep.
When I'm too tired to stay awake, I sing myself to sleep.
Sleep gently, sweet dragon Just close your wee eyes And dream of a dinner Of fresh people pie The dragon is dreaming In slumber so deep Now get up! Why did you wake me up? Because I want to sleep and you I don't want you sleeping.
I want to sleep.
Oh LADY DRAGON: Shh! I think I hear somebody coming! Fee, fi, foe, fuddy, I smell the blood of a McGillicuddy! Ha! (growling and snarling) (roaring) Hi.
Hi! Hi.
(snapping): Hi! LADY DRAGON: Oh, one of them must be a McGillicuddy.
Who are you? I'm Scotty MacArdo.
Well, then she must be Yeah, yeah, I'm tomorrow's blue plate special.
Why do you always have to eat a McGillicuddy? Eat me.
Oh, no, we couldn't do that.
Spanish food gives us heartburn.
Well, then I guess tomorrow you're you're really going to eat me.
(ravenous growling) (wolf whistle) What are you whistling at? Get a load of those drumsticks! I kinna let you go, Lucy.
I will fight the dragon with my bare hands.
You'll fight the dragon for me? For bonnie Annie Lucy, I will lay me doon and dee.
(music begins) There are moments in a maiden's life when her days are pure as bliss.
But the moment of them all, the moment I'll recall, the blissest of the bliss is this.
For today you will slay me a dragon, my darling, my hero, I'm thrilled.
Ah.
It's like we're in a fairy tale, except you'll probably get killed.
But for 32 bars, let's sing and act merrily.
Life is ours Temporarily.
(upbeat music playing) TOWNSPEOPLE: It's time for romance, so darling let's dance The dragon waltz Your life is nill till you know the thrill Of the dragon waltz.
A dragon's no hoax, he gobbles up folks Like chocolate malts.
But come what may, let's live for today ALL: And the dragon waltz.
A lock of your hair And darling, please swear Your love's not false Take this hanky from me Aw And this brand-new LP.
Xavier MacCougat! (cymbals clash) ALL: And the dragon The dragon The dragon waltz.
(dragon growling viciously) The dragon is coming! MAYOR: Throw the McGillicuddy to it! No, no, no! (ravenous growling) No, no, I don't have to be eaten! Scotty said he would fight the dragon for me! Didn't you, Scotty? Well What do you mean, "well"? You just said for bonnie Annie Lucy, you would lay you down and die.
I said no such thing.
I said I'd lay me doon and dee.
Well, that's what doon and dee means.
Are you kiddin'? Go on now, Scotty.
Now, come on.
You go.
No! I hope she's nice and tender! No, no, no! Nice and tender! (harp plays arpeggio) What's the matter? You coward! (closing flourish playing) ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: The original lyrics were by written Larry Orenstein, original music by Elliot Daniel the choreography by Jack Baker.
"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.