I Love Lucy (1951) s06e01 Episode Script

Lucy and Bob Hope

"Lucy and Bob Hope" ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) (theme song ending) Come on now, Little Ricky, let me see you swing that bat.
Attaboy! Ha-ha! You're gonna be another Mickey Mantle.
Uncle Fred, who's Mickey Mantle? Who's Mickey Mantle? Why, he's the guy they got to replace Joe DiMaggio.
Who's Joe Maggio? "Who's Joe Maggio?" You talk more like your father every day.
It's Joe DiMaggio.
And he's one of the greatest Yankees of all time.
Come on now, let me see you take another swipe at that old apple.
Boffo! Right out of the park.
Attaboy.
Hi, Daddy.
Hey! Hi! Hi, Rick.
Say, what's going on, partner? I'm swiping apples.
You're swiping apples? He means he's taking a swipe at the old apple.
Oh.
Well, let me see you do it.
Go on.
Show him.
Show your dad.
At 'em! Hey! He's gonna be another Joe Maggio.
Yes, sir.
I'm treating the two girls and Little Ricky to the ball game this afternoon at Yankee Stadium.
Well, that's very generous of you, Uncle Fred.
Well, it's nothing, Rick.
I'm glad to do it.
Today is Ladies' Day, Daddy.
Oh, it's Ladies' Day.
Uh-huh.
Ladies and little boys get in free.
"Ladies and little boys get in free.
" Yeah.
He's just like his mother.
Yatata, yatata, yatata, yatata, yatata.
Well, listen, if you're going to go the ball game, with Uncle Fred, you'd better go take a nap, huh? Okay, Daddy.
You go to sleep now, son.
Good-bye.
Ain't he a dandy? How about that kid, huh? He's a dandy.
Listen, did the girls come back from shopping yet? No, not yet.
And I'm getting hives at the thought of Ethel running loose in a department store with a loaded charge-a-plate.
Well, listen, Fred, you can't expect the girls to go to the opening of a new nightclub in an old dress.
Ah, well, it's all your fault, too.
If you hadn't bought a piece of the Tropicana, I wouldn't be buying a piece of Saks Fifth Avenue.
Listen, you won't recognize the old Tropicana.
Boy, it's all changed.
It's brand-new furniture, brand-new paint job new bandstand, new uniforms We even changed the name.
We call it Club Babalu.
Club Babalu? Yeah.
Hey, I like that.
And wait till you hear who I got for the opening night.
Who? Bob Hope.
Bob Hope! Yeah.
Bob Hope.
His agent Jimmy Safield just called me and said, "It's all set.
" Well, that's terrific.
Yeah, there's only one thing, though.
I made a slip the other day and Lucy knows that I was trying to get Bob Hope for the opening, you know.
How could you pull a boner like that? You know how she acts in front of celebrities.
I know, but I was talking on the telephone and I didn't know that she was in the apartment, but she doesn't need to know it's all set and that Bob is going to do it.
Understand? Mm-hmm.
So not a word in front of Lucy and not a word in front of Ethel and not a word in front of Little Ricky.
Now we got him to worry about.
Yeah, fine way to live- surrounded by blabbermouths.
(chuckles) Hi.
Hiya, honey, what you do? Buy half of the store? Well, not quite.
Fred, you'd better go give Ethel a hand.
She can't get up the stairs.
She's got so many packages.
Oh, good night, nurse.
If I ever find where she hides that charge-a-plate, I'll pound the letters down.
Fred.
Where is the baby, honey? He just went in to take a nap.
Oh, good.
Any news about the opening? News? Yeah, about the guest star.
Did you get hold of Bob Hope? Bob Hope? Yeah.
Did he call you? Uh no.
No, Bob Hope didn't call.
No.
Well, he certainly knows that you were waiting to hear from him.
He knows the opening is tomorrow night.
Yeah, well, you know, that's show business.
Well, I can't understand why he didn't even call you, for heaven's sake.
(gasps): Oh, my goodness! Oh, I just had a horrible thought.
What? Ricky, you don't suppose? Oh, I know it's a wild idea, but you don't suppose that Bob Hope heard about me, and that's the reason he hasn't called you, do you? About you? Yeah.
You know, those exaggerated reports about what happens to a celebrity when they meet up with me.
(chuckles) No.
No, as bad as you are, I don't think By George, I hate to say this, but you may be right.
Oh, no! Yeah, I think you hit it right on top of the head.
I think that-that Bob is afraid even to come near you.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Well Oh, I just feel awful.
Well, that's all right, honey.
Oh, this is terrible! Honey, you're married to a jinx! Now, now, now, honey Yes, you are.
ANNOUNCER: Here are the lineups and batting orders for today's game: For Cleveland, batting first and playing right field, Al Smith Gee, a baseball game is fun.
Kind of wish I knew what it was all about.
Kill the umpire! Stop, Ethel! Stop! Well, that's what you always say.
Game hasn't even started.
Oh.
Oh, Lucy, come on, cheer up.
There could be a million reasons why Bob Hope hasn't called Ricky.
No, there aren't.
He's heard that every time I come near a celebrity, there's trouble.
It happened in Hollywood.
It happened in Europe.
I'm a scourge of two continents.
Oh, now, honey, that's the silliest thing I ever heard of.
Oh, come on, perk up.
Red hots! Get your red hots! Get 'em while they're hot! Fred, Fred, I'm hungry.
Get me a hot dog.
Did you come out here to watch a ball game or to stuff your face? That guy down there is eating.
He's not eating.
He's a pitcher.
He's chewing tobacco.
A lot of ball players chew tobacco.
Well, whatever it is, it sure looks good.
Come on, go get me a hot dog.
That man won't be back here for hours.
Oh all right.
Can I have one, Uncle Fred? Okay, Little Rick.
Okay.
Well, as long as you're up, you might as well bring me one, too, Fred.
I came out here to watch a ball game and I wind up as a short-order cook.
Fred, come on Can I have your autograph, Mr.
Hope? Well, I don't know.
You seen my latest picture, The Iron Petticoat? Yes, sir! You watch my television show? Oh, yes, sir.
You root for Cleveland? I own a piece of the team, you know.
Yes, sir.
Well, now that you've been properly brainwashed There you are, you lucky boy.
How are you? How's it going, all right? Listen, Ethel, you keep an eye on Little Ricky for a minute, will you? What are you gonna do? I'm gonna talk to Bob Hope.
Oh, no, you're not.
No, no, you're not.
Now, listen, now, listen, Ethel, I'm just gonna explain to him that I'm not really a jinx and I'm gonna promise to stay away from him.
and maybe he'll do Ricky's show.
ETHEL: Oh, Lucy.
May I see your ticket, please? I just want to talk to Bob Hope.
You and everyone else in the Yankee Stadium.
I'm sorry.
But this is important.
I've got to see him.
So see him.
Look from here.
You don't understand.
I'm Ricky Ricardo's wife.
Well, that's keen.
I'm Phoebe Krausfeld's husband, and it's still no dice.
Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs! Get 'em while they're hot! Hot dogs! Hot dog man.
How many, lady? Um, I think you and I better have a little talk.
Paul Paul, the uniforms are not here yet.
They're What are they doing to the floor?! What's the matter with the floor?! Calm down, Rick.
It will be finished today.
And by tomorrow night, it will be all set in and dry.
Now don't panic! It's my opening.
If I want to panic, I'll panic.
Oh, say, Rick, before I forget, Jimmy Safield called.
Bob Hope's out at the ball game.
He wants you to come out there and look over the material for the opening.
Now, there's a ticket for you at the box office at Yankee Stadium.
Now go on, go on.
Please go.
I got a lot of things to do around here.
Are you sure that floor is gonna get in all right? It'll be fine.
Now just take it easy.
Just go to the ball game.
Enjoy yourself.
Yankee Stadium.
Yankee stadium! They couldn't possibly meet.
What are you talking about? Oh, uh, no.
I'll, I'll see Excuse me.
Red hots! Get your red hots! Red hots! Get your red hots! Get your red hots! Sonny, I'd like a hot dog.
Red hots! Get your red hots! Red hots! Get it right here! Red hots! Get 'em while they're hot! Oh, Mr.
Hope.
No, thanks, kid.
Well, Mr.
Hope Uh, right.
Mr.
Hope Mr.
Hope, I'd like to talk to you for a minute.
Look, I told you I don't want a hot dog.
But Mr.
Hope, if I could just talk to you for a second.
Look, you don't get my message.
I don't want a hot dog.
Look upon me as a vegetarian, will you, please? Please, please, Mr.
Hope Will you get this thing out of here? The steam is taking the curl out of my nose.
Will you get out of here? Please, Mr.
Hope.
Mr.
Hope, it'll only take a minute.
You see, I don't really sell hot dogs.
No? What are you doing with this thing? Hatching chickens? Oh, no.
No, no (crowd roaring) Red hots! Get your red hots! Hey, hey! Here, I'll take one.
Oh, all right.
Would you pass this, Mr.
Hope, please? The gentleman right over there.
I want to talk to you when I get a chance.
Would you pass this over there, please? Thank you very much.
What I have to talk to you about is very important, Mr.
Hope.
Would you give him the change, please? There you are, sir.
Hey, I'll have one, too.
Oh, uh, yes, ma'am.
Yes, ma'am.
Here, Mr.
Hope, would you pass that, please? MAN: Hey, you forgot my relish.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I'm sorry.
There you are, sir.
Thank you.
Would you pass this over, please? All of a sudden, I feel like UNIVAC.
Oh, Mr.
Hope, have you got change for a five? Five? Hey, can I have some mustard? Yes.
I'm sorry.
MAN: Could I have some mustard, too? I got change for a five.
I could shave you, but I got a little action going here.
Mustard.
A little mustard right there, please.
This is mine.
Okay.
Here you are.
Ma'am wants a little mustard.
Right.
(crowd roaring) There you are.
Fine.
I've Will you put a bun around this finger? It looks delicious.
Oh, Mr.
Hope, I'm sorry.
Yeah, it's all right.
(crowd roaring) What was that? What was that? Oh, nothing.
Somebody just hit the ball over the fence.
Oh, no.
Al Rosen hits a home run and I gotta miss it.
Oh, no! I'm sorry, Mr.
Hope, but if you can just let me talk to you for just a minute.
I'm trying to watch the game.
Will you leave me (crowd roaring) What is it? Mr.
Hope, please, I have got to talk to you.
Yeah, but, honey This is important.
It's my tie.
This is very important.
I didn't come to the ball game just to talk to you.
(crowd screaming) Get your red hots! Get your red hots right here! Get your red hots! Get your red hots! This ought to help.
There.
Ooh.
Ah, that's what I've always wanted- a quick-frozen beret.
Relax for five minutes and take it easy and then go back to see the game.
Mm-hmm.
Mr.
Hope Yeah.
there's a Mr.
Ricardo outside to see you.
Fine.
Send him in.
Thank you very much.
Hi, Bob.
I heard about the foul ball.
Are you all right? Yeah, they can't hurt me.
I used to be in vaudeville, you know.
(laughs) I understand that a hot dog vendor caused the whole thin'.
Pardon? A hot dog vendor caused the whole thin'.
You're trying to tell me something.
Oh, yeah! Yeah! A hot dog vendor.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Some real weirdo kept saying he wanted to talk to me- yatata, yatata, yatata.
A real weirdo that kept going yatata, yatata, yatata? Mm-hmm.
What did this, uh, hot dog vendor look like? Oh, tall, red hair.
Uh-oh.
Oh? What? It could be my wife.
Are you married to a tall, redheaded weirdo that goes yatata, yatata, yatata? Yes.
With a mustache? Oh.
Well, thank goodness, for once it wasn't Lucy.
But if you ever bump into a tall, red-haired weirdo that goes yatata, yatata, yatata and doesn't have a moustache, run for your life.
That's Lucy.
Your wife really like that? Yes.
You need this more than I do.
Listen, Bob, I wanted to talk to you about that, uh, opening for the club, you know.
You got any ideas what we should do? Yeah, I've been thinking it over and I think we can do some real How's the game coming? (deep voice): Oh, pretty good, but the game isn't over till the last man is out, you know.
(Lucy muttering) Well, hello, Mr.
Hope.
Well, good-bye, Mr.
Hope.
Oh, uh, uh, sonny? Who? Me? Yeah, you.
Come here.
I want to talk to you.
I don't remember seeing you with the team before.
Uh, no.
I'm a new one.
Well, back to the ol' ball game.
Yeah, oh Wait a minute.
Say, you must be that new rookie we brought up from our farm in Indianapolis.
Uh, yep.
Well, how are things down on the farm? Well, farm, uh Pigs are all right, but the cow died.
Well, back to the ol' ball game.
Wait! I understand you have quite a throwing arm.
I'd like to see your pitching motion.
Um, all righty.
What do you pitch? Bonbons? Well, uh, I could pitch much better if I had a chaw of tobacco.
All us pitchers chew tobacco, you know.
I'll go get some tobacco and come back and pitch for you later.
Hey, wait a minute, buddy.
Here.
Here's some chewing tobacco right here.
What's the matter? Not my brand.
(laughing out loud) Lucy, who you do think you're foolin'? Oh, you were great.
You were a million laughs.
Could I interest you in a stomach pump? Look.
Would you please tell me what you are doing? Well, I was only trying to get Mr.
Hope to appear at the club.
I'm sorry you got hit on the head when I tried to sell you a hot dog.
Was that you, too? RICKY: I told you.
Yeah.
I didn't recognize you without your moustache.
Yeah, well, now you'll never appear at the club.
I'll be there.
You will?! Yes.
I had the whole thin' straightened out with his agent this morning.
This morning?! Yes.
Oh Now, look, Bob, we still haven't decided what we're gonna do.
The opening is tomorrow night.
What do you think? Well, I've got a special-material number about baseball for three people.
We'll need a couple I'll need a couple partners that can sing and dance.
Well, I'm not exactly Gene Kelly, but I'd love to do it.
Oh, that's great.
Who else can we get? You stay out of this.
I didn't say anything.
You mean the Kiss of Death can sing and dance? Well, that is a matter of opinion.
Well, it's an easy little number.
She might be cute in it.
How can you say that after all she's done to you?! I figure if you can't lick 'em, join 'em.
Nothing doing.
We'll get somebody else.
I'll talk to you later.
(imitating Lucy): Well, back to the ol' ball game.
(sobbing and wailing) (sniffling) (door closes) I forgot my (sobbing) Oh, what's wrong, Lucy? Oh, nothing.
Aw, now, it can't be that bad.
What's the problem? Well, I really did want to do that act with you, Mr.
Hope.
All my life I've wanted to be in show business, and doing an act with you would be the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
Well, why don't you do it, then? Because Ricky won't let me.
He says I'm a jinx.
Aw, no, now, come, come.
Ballplayers never cry.
I'm sorry I got mustard on you and I'm sorry I made you get hit on the head.
It's all right.
Anytime at all.
And I'm sorry I hit you on the back and made you swallow your tobacco.
Oh, that's all right.
You got a lump on the head and I got a lump in my stomach.
That's a funny joke.
It is? Yeah.
Thank you.
You know, I sing and dance even better than I tell jokes.
No! Yes.
Then why doesn't Ricky let you go into show business? I don't know.
It's just professional jealousy, I guess.
Oh, you poor thing.
(sniffling) And you know, Mr.
Hope, I'm only trying to help him.
I'm only trying to be a good wife.
That's all.
I can sing and I can dance.
I can do a lot of things.
You have no idea how talented I am.
(sobbing) May I? Where'd you go? I turn around and you were gone.
Don't speak to me, you Cuban heel.
Wha' happen'? Wha' happen'? I'll tell you wha' happen'.
This dear little girl wants to get into our act and you won't let her.
All her life she's tried to get into show business and you've held her back.
Yeah! She's the best little best little wife any man ever had and you don't appreciate her.
Yeah.
I think we ought to let her do the act with us.
Yeah! Nothing doing.
No? Well, let me put it this way: If she doesn't do it, I don't do it.
Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah! (bright melodic fanfare playing) (applause) (fanfare ends) (snare and pennywhistle imitating flyball) (drumroll) (rimshot) Safe! You're out! Foul ball! (audience booing) (jaunty intro plays) Nobody loves the ump He's the apple of nobody's eye Nobody loves the ump And I'll never know, never know why Oh, they boo and they hiss and they holler at me Just because it's a ball and I call it strike three I'm not wearin' my glasses, so how can I see? Nobody loves Nobody loves the ump If I call it a ball, then they call me a slob If I call it a strike, then they call out the mob If called off the game, I'd be out of a (sour note): Job (straining): Job Job job You've got a lifetime job looking for that note.
Nobody loves Nobody loves Nobody loves the ump The very first inning, the fans all commence They belt me with bottles I take no offense 'Cause each one they throw, I return for two cents Nobody loves Nobody loves the ump (strained, high-pitched voice): The poor old ump And that's without a lesson.
(gentle melody begins) Oh, if Marge sees this, Gower's finished.
(song ends) (applause) (conga drum playing) Hey! (band playing calypso) Hey! Hey! (song ends) Ole! (applause) That'll set Cuba back a hundred years.
(mellow music begins) What's the matter? My spiked shoes are caught in the floor.
Spiked shoes? Ay-ay-ay.
Well, come on, fellas.
Give me a couple of yanks.
Yanks? You have to say that word? Oh, come on.
The legs.
Oh, the legs.
(cowbells ringing) (temple blocks thumping) (drumroll) (yelling) Hey, hey! Nobody loves the ump He's the apple of nobody's eye I'll never know, never know why Oh, nobody loves Nobody loves Nobody loves the ump The ump Nobody loves the ump You're out! (gentle intro plays) Hey, thanks for the memory Of being here with you At your Club Babalu Thank you.
And through it all I had a ball in spite of you-know-who How lovely it was I know what you mean.
Gracias por el recuerdo Acepta, por favor He's trying to tell us something.
Nuestro amor I know I'm dumb, but translate, chum In English, please, senor I said, "How lovely it was.
" Why didn't he say so? Oh, he's a showoff.
You made such a wonderful ump.
I'm afraid that I danced like a chump Well, that's all right.
And I'm sorry I gave you that lump Well, I don't care It might grow hair (laughing) (laughing) We thank you We thank you So much.
So much.
Hey, I may never go back to NBC.
(laughter) (audience applauding as orchestra plays show theme) (laughter) ANNOUNCER: Next week, Lilt with new Squeeze-Bottle Magic will bring you "I Love Lucy.
" "I Love Lucy" starring Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz has been presented for your pleasure by Instant Sanka, the hardy coffee you can drink as strong as you like, it still can't affect your nerves.
("I Love Lucy" theme song continues) ANNOUNCER: Special lyrics for tonight's show were written by Larry Orenstein.
Music was by Eliot Daniel and Jack Baker did the choreography.
Our guest star, of course, was Bob Hope.
"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.