I Love Lucy (1951) s06e12 Episode Script

Lucy and the Loving Cup

Good morning.
Hi, honey.
Oh, hi.
Say, I'm going to the market pretty soon.
You want to go with me? I can't, I have to take care of Little Ricky's little friends.
Lucy, it looks like you're running a pet shop.
Oh, you're telling me.
Every morning I have to change the paper in Alice and Phil's cage, I have to feed Tommy and Jimmy their turtle food, and I have to water their little palm tree, I have to tidy up the cigar box for Hopalong Hopalong? He's the frog.
Oh.
And I have to change the water for Mildred and Charles.
I wonder if this is the way Osa Johnson started.
Come on, Mildred, come, dear.
(prattling) Come, Mildred.
Sweetheart, there we are.
Hey, girl, you're pretty good at that.
Well, Mildred's easy, Charles is the problem.
Oh, Charles, come, dear.
Charles.
Charles? Chuckie-Wuckie.
Charles.
Charles! I see what you mean.
I have several different techniques I work with him.
Sometimes I sneak up on him.
(stomps loudly) And then again, I just act nonchalant, you know, sort of stroll away, and, uh (whistling) And then when I think he's off his guard, I just (sighs) Listen, let me borrow your hairnet.
Oh, no, you don't.
Aw, come on, I'll buy you a new one.
Well okay.
Yeah.
Gee, I don't know why I didn't think of this before.
Oh, help me, will you? Okay, I'll help you.
Over here.
Grab the bottom.
Okay.
Got it? You got it? Yeah.
I'll hold on to the net.
Now, you just tip up as far as you can.
Okay, go, fast.
All right, go! Real fast.
I got it, I got it, I got it.
There.
There, now that was simple, wasn't it? Simple? Gregory Peck had less trouble with Moby Dick.
Well, that's life.
Children bring home pets, mothers take care of them.
Oh, now, who's the lettuce for? Lunch for hopalong.
Okay? (deeper voice): Okay.
Lucy, why do you let Little Ricky keep all these pets? Well, I think it's important for a child to have pets, especially a city child, you know.
Gee, sometimes, I think we should move to the country so Little Ricky could have all the animals he wants.
Oh, Lucy, don't even say you might move away.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
Well, frankly, Ethel, I don't know what I'd do without you, either.
Besides, with another vacant apartment, Frantic Freddy would blow what's left of his top.
I just went through three weeks of torture with that apartment next door.
Hey, speaking of our new neighbors, are there any little children Ricky's age? No, it's a bachelor, a Mr.
Stewart.
And he's an old grouch.
Why would Fred rent to an old grouch? Well, to one old grouch, another old grouch doesn't seem like an old grouch.
And he's gonna pay to have his kitchen remodeled, so Fred doesn't care anything about his disposition.
Oh.
Well, I'm going on to the market, honey.
You want anything? Well, not for us, but, uh, Alice and Phil could use some birdseed and Tommy and Jimmy could use some turtle food and Mildred and Charles could use some fish food.
Wouldn't it be easier if they just ate each other? (guffawing) I'll see you later.
Okay.
(laughs again) Hi, Mommy.
Well, hello Oh, for goodness sake.
What have you got there? A doggie.
Whose is it? Mine.
Yours? Uh-huh.
Is that one of Billy Palmer's six puppies? Oh, now, honey, listen, I'm sorry, it's a very sweet little puppy, but I'm afraid we're not gonna be able to can't keep it.
Why not? Well, for one thing dear, our house is too small for a dog.
But, Mommy, it's a small dog.
Well, I know, but he's gonna grow bigger.
Maybe our house will grow bigger, too.
Look, honey, I got all I can do to take care of your fish and your parakeets and your frog and your turtles But, Mommy! Aw, now, honey, I'm sorry, I'm just gonna have to call Billy's Mommy and and tell her that that we can't keep the puppy.
Oh! I'm sorry, sweetheart.
You take your things off now.
Lillian? Lillian, this is Lucy.
Yes, about the little puppy.
About the little pu Well, I, I I, I just wanted to say I just wanted to say thank you for this sweet little puppy.
Yes, well, thank you very much.
Good-bye.
Oh, boy, thanks, Mommy! Well, honey, I can't make any promises, but we'll just have to wait until Daddy comes home see what he thinks, huh? Okay, you go to your room now, sweetheart.
Okay, Mommy.
Aw.
(whistling) Oh, hi, dear.
Oh, hi, honey.
Where's Little Ricky? He's in his room.
Ah, Good.
I'll go say hello to him.
Oh, honey, before you do, come here.
We, uh We have a bit of a problem.
Well, what is it? He brought home a little puppy dog today.
Honey, you know that he can't keep a dog in this apartment.
There's no room.
I know that, dear.
He already has frogs and turtles and parakeets and goldfish and lizard The lizard fell out the window, remember? He didn't fall out of the window- he jumped out to get away from the crowd.
Now, look, honey, he cannot keep a dog in this apartment.
I know, I know.
Well, did you tell him? Were you firm about it? Well, not exactly.
Well, what did you tell him? Well, I told him he'd have to wait till Daddy got home and let him decide whether we could keep the dog or not.
Oh, that's being firm.
Well can I help it if I'm soft and squishy? Oh, he's the cutest little puppy.
Wait till you see them together, honey.
Look, dear, it's out of the question.
The boy cannot keep a dog in this apartment.
Now, the trouble with you is that you don't use enough discipline with the child.
I'll just go in there and tell him, "Little Ricky, you cannot keep a dog in this apartment.
" And that's that.
Huh, gee! Hi, Daddy.
Hi, son.
Oh, is that your little dog? He's very cute.
Hi, there, boy.
He likes you, Daddy.
Yes, yes, very cute.
Look, uh, partner, I have to have a little talk with you.
Now, I know that you're old enough to know that you cannot have everything that you want.
Now, it just so happens that Well, did you talk to him, dear? Yeah.
Where you going? Down to the basement to get a box.
A box? Well, that little puppy can't sleep on the cold floor all night.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
Hi, Rick.
Hi, Fred.
Hi.
Say, Fred, have you got a box down in the basement? Yeah.
What for? For Little Ricky's dog.
Oh, th-th-the dog.
Yeah.
Yeah, uh, uh That's what I want to talk to you about.
Ethel just told me about it.
Yeah.
You can't have a dog in this apartment.
Oh, it's only a tiny little bitty dog.
Yeah, Fred, we're not gonna let him grow very big.
But there's a "no pet" clause in your lease.
Oh, now, Fred.
Now, haven't I been lenient? Didn't I close my eyes when you got the turtles? Didn't I look the other way when, uh the frogs and the goldfish arrived? Didn't I keep quiet when you got those two, uh, molting buzzards? I've got to draw the line someplace.
That pooch has got to go.
Oh, Fred, you haven't seen him.
He is the cutest little thing! One more word out of you, Ethel, and you go, too.
Ah, I'm afraid that Fred's right.
Oh, now, honey.
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, but if I let Little Ricky have a dog, everybody in the building will want one! I don't mind being a landlord, but I'll be darned if I'm gonna run a pet motel! All right, Fred, all right, we understand.
Mommy, Daddy.
What is it, dear? I found a name for my dog.
RICKY: Oh, what? His name is Fred.
Fred? Well, how did you ever happen to name him that? I always name my pets after people I like.
Fred, where you going? Down in the basement to get the box.
Come on, Rick.
Oh, wonderful! Oh, boy! Aw, now, you saved the day, sweetheart.
Hey, you know you kind of look like Fred? Except you got a lot more hair than he has.
(puppy barking incessantly) Oh Oh, no, not again.
(groans) What time is it? Huh? What time is it? Oh.
He's getting better; he hasn't yipped in about 20 minutes.
Can you go out in the kitchen and see if you can quiet him down again? Oh, now, you go; it's your turn.
I'm sitting this one out.
You go.
No, Ricky, you go.
You go- it's your son's dog.
My son? Isn't he your son, too? Not at 3:00 in the morning, he isn't.
(phone rings) Now, who's that? How do I know? Hello? FRED: Lucy? Yeah? Fred.
Fred, what are you doing up at this hour? What do you mean, what am I doing up at this hour? The whole building's awake.
I've had six phone calls complaining about that hound of yours.
All right, Fred, I'll see what I can do.
Well, see what you can do! All right.
(slams down phone) (pretends to snore) (incessant yipping and yapping) (louder yipping and yapping) All right, Fred.
All right, Fred.
All right, Fred.
Okay, okay, okay.
Listen, what am I gonna do with you? (barking stops) Oh, dear.
Fred, I told you to go to sleep.
Do you understand? Sleep, sleep, sleep.
Look at me.
(sighs) Oh I'll sing you to sleep.
Now, come on, Fred, please, please, please, go to sleep.
Please, Fred.
Rockabye doggy on the treetop When the wind blows (puppy howling) All right, so I'm not Dinah Shore.
You're no Lassie, either.
Now, Fred, please, get in there and go to sleep.
(resumes barking) Don't you know what time it is?! It's 3:00 in the morning.
Do you hear me? (continues barking) (sighs) Hey.
Maybe that will work.
Now, you get down there, see? Now, look, look, now, nice clock, nice clock.
That's a good boy.
Look at that.
Look at that.
(clock ticking) Yeah.
Yeah, see? (barking stops) That's a nice boy.
That's a nice Fred.
Yeah.
Hey, he stopped.
How'd you do it? Well, I remember reading someplace if you put a clock in with a little puppy, they go to sleep.
The ticking sound keeps them company or something, I don't know.
Oh, nice work.
We can only hope.
Good night.
Good night.
(sighs) (coughs) (alarm clock ringing, incessant barking resumes) What are you doing? You put an alarm clock in there! I didn't know it was gonna go off.
What's the matter with you? We're coming! (pounding on door) We're coming! Who's that? Who's that? How do I know? Wait a minute! What are you That dog's got to go and right this minute! All right now, take it easy, Fred, take it easy.
What do you mean, take it easy? Mr.
Stewart, the new tenant, just phoned and threatens to move! All right.
Lucy, I'm sorry, but it's either the tenants or the dog.
And dogs don't pay rent.
All right, Fred, all right.
We'll get rid of him tomorrow morning.
Well, see that you do.
Okay.
Come on, Fred.
You're awful cranky.
Yeah, go back to bed, will you, Fred? (door slams) (groans) Now, look, honey, I'm sorry, but you will have to tell Little Ricky that he has to get rid of the dog.
I'll make a deal with you: You tell Little Ricky, I'll tell the dog.
Look, honey, let's be sensible.
Tomorrow morning, when Little Ricky gets up, one of us will tell him.
Which one? Well whoever sees him first.
Okay.
Good morning, Fred.
All right, Ricky Ricardo, will you please tell me where you were going? Me? Uh, rehearsal.
Yeah, that's it, rehearsal at the club.
At 7:00 in the morning? Well, yeah, well Uh, never mind about me.
Where were you going? To the market.
The market is open at 7:00 in the morning? If you can have a rehearsal, the market can be open! I know what you were trying to do.
You were trying to sneak out of the apartment so you didn't have to tell Little Ricky.
Yeah, well, you gotta get up awful early in the morning to sneak out of this apartment.
You can say that again.
Yeah you're right, honey.
I'm his father.
I guess I should tell him.
Oh, well, honey, I'm glad you finally decided.
Hi, Mommy.
Hi, Daddy.
Well, good morning, sweetheart.
Hi, son.
Say, uh, I want to talk to you, partner because you He went to get his dog.
Oh.
Yes, Daddy? All right, we have to have a talk here.
I want to tell you that, uh I want to tell you that, uh I want to tell you that your mother has something to tell you.
I am late.
I gotta go.
Good-bye, everybody.
Well, honey, listen.
Listen, sweetheart.
Oh, it's not important, it can wait.
What say you, Fred and I have some breakfast? Okay.
Okay, Mommy.
Come on, sweetheart.
You are the cutest thing.
Aw, come on, he just loves this hat.
(laughing) Hee-hee.
(pounding on door) Who is it? It's me, Fred.
Well, what is it, Fred? Well, Mr.
Stewart here claims that he heard a dog barking.
You did get rid of that dog, didn't you, Lucy? Well, you told me to, didn't you, Fred? Well, that's what I told Mr.
Stewart, but he insists on having a look for himself.
Oh.
Oh, well, just a minute, Fred.
Honey, it's way past your nap time.
You run in and take your nap, sweetheart.
Okay, Mommy.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Go on.
(insistent knocking) FRED: What's keeping you, Lucy? Okay.
Okay, Fred, just a minute.
Oh, hello, Fred.
Oh, oh, hello.
This is Mr.
Stewart, your new neighbor.
This is Mrs.
Ricardo.
How do you do, sir? Do you have a dog in here? A dog in here? I told you they got rid of it.
Then what was that barking a few minutes ago? Oh, you must have been hearing things sir.
Now, just remember, Mertz.
If I find there is a dog in this building, I'm taking back the first and last month's rent and moving out.
I can assure you, there's no dog around here.
Right, Lucy? Oh, you won't find a dog around here.
Oh, no? Well, if there's no dog in this apartment, what are these doing here? Oh, they're mine.
I love a snack in the afternoon.
You eat dog biscuits? Oh, yes.
Yes, yes.
Th-they're wonderful.
I just love them.
Um, um, um, I Would you Oh, you should try it! There's, um They're They got it all over doughnuts for dunking.
Want one? Fred? No, no, thanks.
I'm trying to cut down.
Hi, honey.
Oh, hi, Rick.
Oh, hi! This is Mr.
Stewart, your new neighbor.
This is Mr.
Ricardo.
Oh.
How do you do? I'm sorry about all that noise last night.
It won't happen again.
I should hope not.
Oh, we, we got rid of the dog this morning, didn't we, Lucy? Well, you don't see him around, do you? Well, good.
Uh, excuse me.
Uh, oh, I'll, I'll hang that up for you, dear.
I can do it, honey.
No, no, no, I'll do it.
That's what wives are for.
Oh, so that's what they're for.
Say, uh, Mr.
Stewart, what kind of business are you in? I'm retired.
Oh, well, nice work if you can get it.
(strained laughter) FRED: Mr.
Ricardo's in the nightclub business.
He owns the Club Babalu.
You've probably heard of it.
STEWART: I never go to nightclubs.
FRED: Oh, oh.
Mr.
Stewart wants to remodel his kitchen, Ricky.
Do you mind if he has a look at yours? RICKY: Well, we have a very modest Yeah, go ahead, honey, show him the kitchen.
Go ahead, dear.
The kitchen's right in here, Mr.
Stewart.
STEWART: Oh, thanks.
Right in here? What's that doing on the floor? Oh, I, uh I- I was gonna practice my hat dancing.
What hat dancing? Oh, I was gonna try to surprise you, dear.
I've been taking hat dancing lessons from Arthur Murray.
Yeah? Yeah! Ole! The kitchen's right in here.
Hey! Hey! STEWART: Well, I guess I'd better get back to my own apartment.
Well, I told you it wasn't much of a kitchen, you know.
FRED: I must remind you, you'll have to stand the expense.
STEWART: I know, I know.
You told me 20 times.
Just so you understand.
I understand.
I have a very nice carpenter.
(thumping on piano) What was that? It's me, I'm playing the piano.
Since when do you play the piano? I thought I'd play the piano, uh, so that I can accompany myself with my hat dancing.
(Lucy thumping on piano) Well, that was very strange-sounding music.
Well, it's, uh, progressive jazz.
(Lucy striking keys, puppy howls) (howls) I'm taking singing lessons! (high-pitched howling) Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, where's my dog?! For goodness sake, come here.
Here's your dog, son.
That does it, Mertz.
I'm moving.
I must remind you, Stewart, you have a lease.
The lease says, "No pets.
" Now, either the dog goes, or I go.
Good.
I'd rather live with a little dog than a big grouch! Here, take your check back and scram! With pleasure! Adios! Oh, hello, Mr.
Stewart I guess I told him off.
Hey, what's the matter with Mr.
Stewart? Oh, Fred just did a wonderful thing.
He sure did, he told Mr.
Stewart he could take his check back and told him to scram.
Yeah.
Darn right I did.
It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
Fred, you gave him back the whole $250? Yes, I gave him back the whole 200 (voice soars): $250?! Get the fan, honey, and fan him.
Oh, Fred Do something, fan him.
Fred? (closing orchestral flourish playing) ANNOUNCER: "I Love Lucy" starring Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz has been presented for your pleasure by Instant Sanka, the hearty coffee you can drink as strong as you like, it still can't upset your nerves.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) "I Love Lucy" is a Desilu production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.