I Love You, America (2017) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
1 Shave it off, stay alive, open wide Show us how to conquer first and then divide Don't know if we're stayin' long, stayin' long Used to staying weak And now we're staying strong We don't wanna go where we do not belong Lonely as the day is long, day is long Hey, it's my bubby and yours, Sarah Silverman! â Oh, my God, this is crazy! Oh shit! A studio audience.
This is so perfect! I'm about to literally just do a TV show right now.
This is great.
I can tell you about my favorite Mr.
Rogers quote.
So Mr.
Rogers has this quote, and I've always loved it.
He said, "If it's mentionable, it's manageable.
" Now, for Mr.
Rogers, he was probably talking about how kids should feel they can talk through tough issues like, you know, the first day of school or feeling sad or the moral bankruptcy of laundering money for Russian oligarchs in pursuit of political gain.
But basically, if it's mentionable, it's manageable means talk about the hard stuff.
I had no doubt that being a bedâwetter in my teens was going to be my biggest secret, my greatest humiliation, my hugest shame.
It made my childhood torture, and it wasn't until I got older that I just talked about it.
And now I'm making money by talking about it on a TV showââ oh, my God, just like that fucking opportunist Mr.
Rogers! Thank you.
But he was right about so many things, and he taught me that there isn't anything in the world too big to deal with, as long as you're brave enough to say it out loud.
Okay.
So I'm just gonna take the last thing still taboo in my life and say it right out loud to all of you, vulnerable as pie.
My personal masturbation style.
Okay.
First I look up porn on my phone and, uh, I set it against my glass of water on my night table.
And I'm on my stomachââ okay.
When you see a woman masturbating in porn, she's always on her back, all sexy, like she's having the gentlest daydream.
That's not how it is.
That's fake news.
It's on the stomach.
And it's work.
It takes elbow grease.
Okay, so I'm on my stomach, and my glassesââ I need glasses to read.
And my glasses are they're progressives, so I need toââ I wear them upside down to see the porn.
And that is when I started putting electrical tape over the camera lens hole thing because, honestly, even hackers don't deserve to see this.
Now, my search words had always beenââ and, first, let me just say that none of these search words are things I would want to happen in real life, ever.
I mean, like at all.
It's just the heart wants what it wants.
A great man once said, uh who married his daughter.
But, um so my search words had always been "gang bang, amateur, cum" ââ It's crazy that you have to ask for cum in porn.
Doesn't it seem like it would be a given? It's not.
You have to ask for it.
And then there's a fourth one.
Oh, high fives.
And here's the thing, so my niece has now ruined porn for me because she's in her 20s and that's like the age that these girls in my gangâbang porn are.
And I'm calling bullshit on myself for this right now, because I am acting like one of those guys who's like, "I have a sister, I have a daughter.
" So I'm for women's rights.
" And women are like, "Even if you didn't have a sister or a daughter, "you should be for women's rights just because we, like, also exist.
" But, um No, but I'm one of those guys because it shouldn't have taken me my niece becoming 20 for me to be put off by the sight of a girl who's probably on drugs so she can stomach nine anal sexes.
Is that too sad? I know, I I thought the turn of phrase would balance it out, like "nine anal sexes.
" There's something, like, messy and adorable about it, but I may have overâreached.
Anyway nowââI'm sorry I'm itching my nose, but it's just natural.
I had an itch there.
So now So now I'm happy to announce that I have all new search wordsââ victimless crime search words.
I really do.
Okay.
And they are: "guy fucks mattress, verbal.
" Now this is what this is.
A lot of times it is just a guy fucking his mattress, like a handsâfree fucking of his mattress.
And that's fine.
I do enjoy that.
But more often, it's like a guy who's fucking a pocket pussy, which is just what it sounds likeââ it's a disembodied vagina, and he hasââlike, he's wedged said pocket pussy between the mattress and the box spring.
And I feel like if I had a penis, I would love this so much, because it soundââ like, he's fucking it, and it sounds like it feels so good.
It's likeââ I mean, I can't I know, I I'm not good at impressions, but it sounds so, like, suctionây, like Oh, and the "verbal" part of my search words is like just really dominant, aggressive, demeaning dirty talk.
So he's like, he's fucking the pocket pussy, and he's like, "Yeah, you want it, you fucking whore!" And it's justââit's so great because it's so vulnerable because he's by himself, you know? And there is not really a person there.
And I don't know why, but I love it.
I just I don't even know who I am in this scenario.
Like, I don't even know who I am in the fantasy of this.
Like, am I the guy? Am I the pocket pussy? I have no idea, but it just does it for me.
Also I don't know if pocket pussy is like a trademark but they must have a monopoly over this stuff, because in all of these videos, like all eight of themââ it's very nicheââ the pocket pussies are like wrapped in or like somewhere in the frame comes with a royal blue blanket.
I don't have an explanation.
It's weird.
I mean, it's like the CEO of Pocket Pussy must be like, "We can't send these out without a blanket!" But I don't understand the reasoning behind it.
And also the pocket pussy has a, um I'm noticing my own diction, and I'm veryââ I have very good diction, and that's because of my mom, but it is funny that my diction is coming out of saying pocket pussy.
Somewhereââshe's like in outer space somewhere going, like, "Thank you.
" The pocket pussies have like a, um a clitoris on it which I can't really figure out why, I mean I can only think it's like so you know which way is up.
But they when they're fucking it, they'll like massage it like it's for her pleasure, like, "Oh, yeah you like that?" And I feel like I feel like it forms like bad habits because they're holding like they're getting leverage from the back, and there is no back in real life.
It's inside of us.
That sounds so beautiful.
It is inside of us.
So in summation, I would just like to say I masturbate on my stomach with my glasses on upside down, and I'm pretty sure in fact, I'm positive that's what Mr.
Rogers meant by "if it's mentionable, it's manageable.
" Thank you.
The end.
I feel so cleansed, but you may feel dirty.
So let's go to the White Man At A Desk to clean things up.
Mather, what do you got? â Oh! Now you need me.
â Okay, Iââ MATHER: Because last week you didn't think you needed me.
â Mather! â Okay, okay.
Set me up again.
â Thank you! Okay.
Wow, I feel cleansed, but you may feel dirty, so let's go to the White Man At A Desk to clean things up.
Mather, what do you got? â Well, I got a super hard dick after listening to that monologue.
And, uh, and not because you're hot.
Just because the whole monologue was masturbatory.
And by that, I mean selfâindulgent.
Not because you're hot.
'Cause you are not hot.
â You got me.
I'm not hot.
That's absolutely fine.
I'm fully aware that physical appearance is the first place men go to to make women feel the pain that they are feeling.
â What do you want from me? â I want you to be the fun element to this show like you were intended, like a playful comment on gender politics in the comfort of the familiar.
You're here to help the audience be less grossed out.
I just told my family and my doorman what I do to make myself cum.
It would be awesome if you could do your part.
â Still not hot.
â Okay.
Fine.
You should maybe take the rest of the day off, Mather.
â Gladly.
â Relax.
â Coming up next, more of this dumb bitch! What? You motherfuckers.
You can suck my asshole, I swear to God! â Oh, no.
Can I help you? â They lead to nowhere! Likeââjust like my fucking life.
These are fake stairs! â Yeah, it's a fake everything.
We're on a television show set.
Mather, please don't take this the wrong way, but the door is that way.
â Pffft.
This show sucks.
Shut up! â Oh I'm so sorry you had to see that.
Coming up next, more of this dumb bitch.
â You know what? It's funny.
People don't usually think of Jews when they think of country music fans, and that's so crazy to me because country music is basically about heartbreak, which is basically complaining.
I I actually love country music, so I went to Nashville to get my heartbreak on and write some songs with famed country music songwriter Lee Thomas Miller.
Take a look.
Oh, my Gosh.
Whoo! â My friend Sarah's first time to the Bluebird Café.
â It's just like on "Nashville.
" â I've been in Nashville 26 years, and, uh so I write a lot with Brad Paisley.
I've had several hits on him.
I've had some Tim McGraw.
I've had several cuts on Jason Aldean.
If you got a note and it said, "Hey", "Sarah Silverman is trying to get a hold of you.
"She wants to come to Nashville and film you all writing a song," would your initial thought be, "Ain't no way"? I think a lot of comedians are looking for a quick jab.
Why in the world would she wanna come do this? What's the what's the gag? My wife says, "You're afraid of Sarah Silverman?" And I thought, "Yes.
" Yes.
" But I said, "No!" Let's do this!" And then last night she goes, "Hey, I looked her up and watched some of her stuff, "and I died laughing.
" I'm like, "You didn't know what her thing was.
" And she goes, "She makes fun of everybody.
" She's like, "Yeah, well, it's too late now.
" So good luck.
" â That's incredible.
You're fucked.
Country music is about truth, and I just tried to kinda write from my heart a few things.
Maybe you could justââ you could tell me if I got something, or â Okay.
â Something like this.
Don't fill my fruit salad With the pennies of fruit.
I'm talkin' 'bout grapes Throw 'em in the trash chute â I think that one's obvious.
â Right? I feel like this is like a Garth Brooksâish â Ish â It's hard waking up with the sun Hair and makeup until 1:00 My coconut water had pulp in it Even though I told my assistant No pulp No pulp Whoaâoa â What percentage of the country music listeners have too much pulp as their main life problem? â You believe in life and liberty You believe in a God you can't see You believe in dumb luck and not giving zero fucks So why don't y'all believe me? I got straight pubes Got straight pubes Don't think that they're curly Just 'cause I'm a Jew I got straight pubes Got straight pubes I'll be leavin' no doubt Once I pluck one of 'em out Then I actually pluck one out.
I hold it up to the audience.
â You don't need me at all.
It's real.
It's relatable.
â It's specific.
â It's it's quite specific.
Um the Jew thing might make some people uncomfortable.
â You know what, let's table this.
Country music is about heartbreak, so I made a list of heartbreaking things in my life that led us to this song.
He made me cry through Zoloft tears.
I mean, I didn't know I could have real tears.
I went to the fun fair, and I won the Cake Walk.
My mom showed up at the fun fair, and her boyfriend that she was madly in love with had just broken up with her.
And this is where I have a hard time, because my mom's passed away, and I feel like she's in outer space and she's gonna be upset if I tell the story.
But the way I remember it, she was like "Peter broke up with me because he hates you!" And, you know, as an adult, I look back, and I go, he probably wanted to break up with her, and it was more polite to be like, you know what, you've got kids, that's complicated for me, you know, but it was like she took it really hard, you know? It was a bad marriage to my dad, and her therapist tried to fuck her.
Everybody broke her.
â God, I love the title, "Somebody Broke Her.
" â Ooh.
She'd tell me to be brave while she stayed in her bed.
But she didn't leave her bed much.
â She was always there And she was never really there â They're patiently waiting for you to say the crudest, worst thing they've ever heard in their entire life.
I can see it in their eyes.
â I put the cunt in country.
I did not wanna say that.
You guys forced me to say that.
You should blame yourself.
She had all these things that broke her down, but like when she would gather us around, it would be to say, "Girls, look at the sunset! Girls, look at the moon!" you know? â She said, "Girls, look at the sunset" "Oh, girls, come look at the moon" Mm And then follow that.
What's next? Wâwhatââ â Oh.
â Mm! â â She said, "Girls, look at the sunset, oh, girls, come look at the moon.
" â Everything she could see from the window of her room.
â She loved all the fairy tale lives â 'Cause once upon a time Someoneââ Oh.
Wait.
â Okay, that's good.
Let's do the rest again.
â Oh, we're gonna sell this to Carrie Underwood! We have a performance in a little while.
I feel bad because you are a songwriter.
You may have stakes in tonight.
I know that if I blow it, it will still probably be gold in some way.
That said, you're a Grammyânominated songwriter â Which means â That you've never won a Grammy.
â Thank you.
Oh, my gosh.
Whoo! â She was always there She was never really there She taught me that life is a bully And how to laugh like I just didn't care She loved all the fairy tale lives 'Cause once upon a time Somebody broke her â Back somewhere along the way, she said Life screws you over But you learn how to make it okay â So I pick up the pieces And stare at the stars Like I've got somethin' to show her â I'm stronger than hell Because somebody broke her She said, "Girls, take a look at the sunset" "Oh, girls, come look at the moon" She saw the beauty in all of the things Things she could see from her room And I never knew That somebody broke her Back somewhere along the way She said, "Life screws you over" But you learn how to make it okay So I picked up my pieces And stare at the stars Like I've got somethin' to show her â I'm stronger than hell Because somebody broke her She was never there But she was always there Sarah Silverman, everyone.
Welcome to Nashville.
Come back anytime.
â How's tomorrow? Thank you so much.
I hope I gave you some good hair.
Or we could do the pubes song.
â Instead? â Instead.
Hey, Lee and I recorded the song in a real studio, and if you make a donation to the Music City Cares Fund, you'll get a download of "Somebody Broke Her" all to yourself.
Go to cfmt.
org/ilyamerica and make a donation now.
All proceeds go to help victims of the tragedy in Las Vegas.
â Well, I am a super fan of tonight's guest.
She is a brilliant country artist who was a successful chef, a drunk, and a junkie when she hit bottom on the floor of a prison cell at the age of 27.
Please welcome my amazing friend Mary Gauthier.
I would say you have a country artist's wet dream of a tragic story.
So, uh, could you tell us about your life and how it led you to music? â Well, yeah.
I got sober at 27.
I started, uh, being able to speak in full sentences at 30, and um I, uh, started hearing songs and feeling a pull towards songwriting.
And by the time I was 35, I was playing open mics, trying to get the songs in front of an audience to see if they sucked or not, really.
â Um it's funny, because you are one of the most hopeful, joyful people that I've ever met, and your songs are make you wanna kill yourself.
â Yeah.
â So do you think there's a connection between those things? â Yeah, you know, when I feel like shit, I write a song.
That's how it works for me.
I use the It's a guitar.
â I call it the money maker.
I use the money maker to, um, to help me articulate what's going on, and then I inflict it on people.
And some people like it, and it helps them toââ to understand that what they're feeling at least one other person has felt.
And there's something about it that really works, yeah.
â Now let's get deep into this.
So "Mercy Now" "Rolling Stone" called "Mercy Now" the saddest song ever written, and it is.
It's funny because we've all been listening to your music all week, and one of the writers, Diona Reasonover said, your music made her so depressed, she had to listen to Morrissey to cheer up.
So what inspired "Mercy Now" and will you sing some for us? â Thank you.
Yes, of course I will.
I wrote that on a bad day.
I was having, um, trouble in my career, and I felt like I wasn't gettin' what I deserved.
I was talking to somebody in recovery and expressing that feeling and my friend reminded me, "Mary, it would be good to remember "that given the behaviors you've exhibited in your life, you really don't want what you truly deserve, do you?" And I'm like, "Oh.
You're right.
" And itââa light bulb went in and it became, "Oh, I don't really want what I deserve.
Thank you.
I'm good.
" And then I realized, oh, my God, what if the churches got what they deserved, based on some of the worst days of their life? What if America got what it deserved based on some of the worst days of her life? What if any of us? And so that's where the idea is it started to come in that well, instead of getting what I deserved, I think maybe I would prefer a little mercy now.
And it flipped, and it turned into, uh, to this.
So, uh, so I My father He could use a little mercy now The fruits of his labor Fall and rot slowly on the ground His work is almost over Won't be long He won't be around I love my father He could use some mercy now â Ay yi yi yi yi.
I'm plotzing over here.
â Eh â Um, you describe yourself as an outsider.
So tell me the experience of, you know, performing at the Grand Ole Opry, at places that are so kind of traditionâbased or traditional.
â Well, I'm pretty good at splitting an audience in half, kinda like Moses Yeah.
Some will, and some won't.
I don't, obviously, look like the other girls at the Opry, so, uh, there's a challenge just by my physical appearance for me being there.
But an awful lot of folks will.
And those are the ones I'm after.
I think it's progress that, you know, a big queer could be on the Opry and survive it.
â Yeah! So you've been working with veterans now the past couple of years on this project, on an album, and, uh, you have an album coming out in a couple of months called "Rifles and Rosary Beads.
" And you basicallyââ you coâwrote songs with veterans, so tell me all about it.
â Yeah, thanks for asking.
I'm working with an organization called SongwritingWith: Soldiers, and what we do is pair up professional songwriters with, uh, with veterans, people who have served.
And sometimes their wives and sometimes their families.
And we get songs from their experiences.
And, uh, to try to describe it shortly is so hard.
For me to say anything in a small way about it is is challenging because it's so moving.
â Right.
â But I got this thing here where I can go, well, if you don't know what to sayââ â Again, it's called a guitar.
Oh, my God, Mary.
â Well, it's this magic thing.
I can play notes and it helps them to go, "Yeah, that's how I feel.
" What I'm interested in when I'm working with the veterans is getting a really good song for 'em.
â Your experience, their experience.
â Their words, their experience.
â I'd love to hear a little of one of the songs which I got to hear called "Bullet Holes In the Sky.
" â So, um This is a veteran sittin' in the Waffle House on Veterans Day 'cause if you have a military ID, they give you free breakfast at the Waffle House on Veterans Day.
It's the 11th of November Down in Nashville, Tennessee Free breakfast at the Waffle House If I show my ID A parade up on the riverfront I can hear the trumpets play Hands on hearts, the color guard Kicks it off on Veterans Day And they thank me for my service And wave their little flags They genuflect on Sundays And yes, they'd send us back But I believe in God and country And in the angels up on high And in heaven, shinin' down on us Through bullet holes in the sky Mmmâmmmâmm Mmâhmm Mmâhmmm â Mary Gauthier.
Thank you so much for coming.
I adore you.
Wow! What a fun, weird, crazy show.
I went to Nashville and I wrote a sad song about my mom, I got to catch up with my good friend Mary Gauthier, and now there's only one thing left to do before I close my eyes tonight.
Fucks mattress.
Verbal.
â I'm gonna go now.
â Oh, cool! Thanks again.
Good night, America.
I "lerve" you.
â How the hell do I get out of this place?
This is so perfect! I'm about to literally just do a TV show right now.
This is great.
I can tell you about my favorite Mr.
Rogers quote.
So Mr.
Rogers has this quote, and I've always loved it.
He said, "If it's mentionable, it's manageable.
" Now, for Mr.
Rogers, he was probably talking about how kids should feel they can talk through tough issues like, you know, the first day of school or feeling sad or the moral bankruptcy of laundering money for Russian oligarchs in pursuit of political gain.
But basically, if it's mentionable, it's manageable means talk about the hard stuff.
I had no doubt that being a bedâwetter in my teens was going to be my biggest secret, my greatest humiliation, my hugest shame.
It made my childhood torture, and it wasn't until I got older that I just talked about it.
And now I'm making money by talking about it on a TV showââ oh, my God, just like that fucking opportunist Mr.
Rogers! Thank you.
But he was right about so many things, and he taught me that there isn't anything in the world too big to deal with, as long as you're brave enough to say it out loud.
Okay.
So I'm just gonna take the last thing still taboo in my life and say it right out loud to all of you, vulnerable as pie.
My personal masturbation style.
Okay.
First I look up porn on my phone and, uh, I set it against my glass of water on my night table.
And I'm on my stomachââ okay.
When you see a woman masturbating in porn, she's always on her back, all sexy, like she's having the gentlest daydream.
That's not how it is.
That's fake news.
It's on the stomach.
And it's work.
It takes elbow grease.
Okay, so I'm on my stomach, and my glassesââ I need glasses to read.
And my glasses are they're progressives, so I need toââ I wear them upside down to see the porn.
And that is when I started putting electrical tape over the camera lens hole thing because, honestly, even hackers don't deserve to see this.
Now, my search words had always beenââ and, first, let me just say that none of these search words are things I would want to happen in real life, ever.
I mean, like at all.
It's just the heart wants what it wants.
A great man once said, uh who married his daughter.
But, um so my search words had always been "gang bang, amateur, cum" ââ It's crazy that you have to ask for cum in porn.
Doesn't it seem like it would be a given? It's not.
You have to ask for it.
And then there's a fourth one.
Oh, high fives.
And here's the thing, so my niece has now ruined porn for me because she's in her 20s and that's like the age that these girls in my gangâbang porn are.
And I'm calling bullshit on myself for this right now, because I am acting like one of those guys who's like, "I have a sister, I have a daughter.
" So I'm for women's rights.
" And women are like, "Even if you didn't have a sister or a daughter, "you should be for women's rights just because we, like, also exist.
" But, um No, but I'm one of those guys because it shouldn't have taken me my niece becoming 20 for me to be put off by the sight of a girl who's probably on drugs so she can stomach nine anal sexes.
Is that too sad? I know, I I thought the turn of phrase would balance it out, like "nine anal sexes.
" There's something, like, messy and adorable about it, but I may have overâreached.
Anyway nowââI'm sorry I'm itching my nose, but it's just natural.
I had an itch there.
So now So now I'm happy to announce that I have all new search wordsââ victimless crime search words.
I really do.
Okay.
And they are: "guy fucks mattress, verbal.
" Now this is what this is.
A lot of times it is just a guy fucking his mattress, like a handsâfree fucking of his mattress.
And that's fine.
I do enjoy that.
But more often, it's like a guy who's fucking a pocket pussy, which is just what it sounds likeââ it's a disembodied vagina, and he hasââlike, he's wedged said pocket pussy between the mattress and the box spring.
And I feel like if I had a penis, I would love this so much, because it soundââ like, he's fucking it, and it sounds like it feels so good.
It's likeââ I mean, I can't I know, I I'm not good at impressions, but it sounds so, like, suctionây, like Oh, and the "verbal" part of my search words is like just really dominant, aggressive, demeaning dirty talk.
So he's like, he's fucking the pocket pussy, and he's like, "Yeah, you want it, you fucking whore!" And it's justââit's so great because it's so vulnerable because he's by himself, you know? And there is not really a person there.
And I don't know why, but I love it.
I just I don't even know who I am in this scenario.
Like, I don't even know who I am in the fantasy of this.
Like, am I the guy? Am I the pocket pussy? I have no idea, but it just does it for me.
Also I don't know if pocket pussy is like a trademark but they must have a monopoly over this stuff, because in all of these videos, like all eight of themââ it's very nicheââ the pocket pussies are like wrapped in or like somewhere in the frame comes with a royal blue blanket.
I don't have an explanation.
It's weird.
I mean, it's like the CEO of Pocket Pussy must be like, "We can't send these out without a blanket!" But I don't understand the reasoning behind it.
And also the pocket pussy has a, um I'm noticing my own diction, and I'm veryââ I have very good diction, and that's because of my mom, but it is funny that my diction is coming out of saying pocket pussy.
Somewhereââshe's like in outer space somewhere going, like, "Thank you.
" The pocket pussies have like a, um a clitoris on it which I can't really figure out why, I mean I can only think it's like so you know which way is up.
But they when they're fucking it, they'll like massage it like it's for her pleasure, like, "Oh, yeah you like that?" And I feel like I feel like it forms like bad habits because they're holding like they're getting leverage from the back, and there is no back in real life.
It's inside of us.
That sounds so beautiful.
It is inside of us.
So in summation, I would just like to say I masturbate on my stomach with my glasses on upside down, and I'm pretty sure in fact, I'm positive that's what Mr.
Rogers meant by "if it's mentionable, it's manageable.
" Thank you.
The end.
I feel so cleansed, but you may feel dirty.
So let's go to the White Man At A Desk to clean things up.
Mather, what do you got? â Oh! Now you need me.
â Okay, Iââ MATHER: Because last week you didn't think you needed me.
â Mather! â Okay, okay.
Set me up again.
â Thank you! Okay.
Wow, I feel cleansed, but you may feel dirty, so let's go to the White Man At A Desk to clean things up.
Mather, what do you got? â Well, I got a super hard dick after listening to that monologue.
And, uh, and not because you're hot.
Just because the whole monologue was masturbatory.
And by that, I mean selfâindulgent.
Not because you're hot.
'Cause you are not hot.
â You got me.
I'm not hot.
That's absolutely fine.
I'm fully aware that physical appearance is the first place men go to to make women feel the pain that they are feeling.
â What do you want from me? â I want you to be the fun element to this show like you were intended, like a playful comment on gender politics in the comfort of the familiar.
You're here to help the audience be less grossed out.
I just told my family and my doorman what I do to make myself cum.
It would be awesome if you could do your part.
â Still not hot.
â Okay.
Fine.
You should maybe take the rest of the day off, Mather.
â Gladly.
â Relax.
â Coming up next, more of this dumb bitch! What? You motherfuckers.
You can suck my asshole, I swear to God! â Oh, no.
Can I help you? â They lead to nowhere! Likeââjust like my fucking life.
These are fake stairs! â Yeah, it's a fake everything.
We're on a television show set.
Mather, please don't take this the wrong way, but the door is that way.
â Pffft.
This show sucks.
Shut up! â Oh I'm so sorry you had to see that.
Coming up next, more of this dumb bitch.
â You know what? It's funny.
People don't usually think of Jews when they think of country music fans, and that's so crazy to me because country music is basically about heartbreak, which is basically complaining.
I I actually love country music, so I went to Nashville to get my heartbreak on and write some songs with famed country music songwriter Lee Thomas Miller.
Take a look.
Oh, my Gosh.
Whoo! â My friend Sarah's first time to the Bluebird Café.
â It's just like on "Nashville.
" â I've been in Nashville 26 years, and, uh so I write a lot with Brad Paisley.
I've had several hits on him.
I've had some Tim McGraw.
I've had several cuts on Jason Aldean.
If you got a note and it said, "Hey", "Sarah Silverman is trying to get a hold of you.
"She wants to come to Nashville and film you all writing a song," would your initial thought be, "Ain't no way"? I think a lot of comedians are looking for a quick jab.
Why in the world would she wanna come do this? What's the what's the gag? My wife says, "You're afraid of Sarah Silverman?" And I thought, "Yes.
" Yes.
" But I said, "No!" Let's do this!" And then last night she goes, "Hey, I looked her up and watched some of her stuff, "and I died laughing.
" I'm like, "You didn't know what her thing was.
" And she goes, "She makes fun of everybody.
" She's like, "Yeah, well, it's too late now.
" So good luck.
" â That's incredible.
You're fucked.
Country music is about truth, and I just tried to kinda write from my heart a few things.
Maybe you could justââ you could tell me if I got something, or â Okay.
â Something like this.
Don't fill my fruit salad With the pennies of fruit.
I'm talkin' 'bout grapes Throw 'em in the trash chute â I think that one's obvious.
â Right? I feel like this is like a Garth Brooksâish â Ish â It's hard waking up with the sun Hair and makeup until 1:00 My coconut water had pulp in it Even though I told my assistant No pulp No pulp Whoaâoa â What percentage of the country music listeners have too much pulp as their main life problem? â You believe in life and liberty You believe in a God you can't see You believe in dumb luck and not giving zero fucks So why don't y'all believe me? I got straight pubes Got straight pubes Don't think that they're curly Just 'cause I'm a Jew I got straight pubes Got straight pubes I'll be leavin' no doubt Once I pluck one of 'em out Then I actually pluck one out.
I hold it up to the audience.
â You don't need me at all.
It's real.
It's relatable.
â It's specific.
â It's it's quite specific.
Um the Jew thing might make some people uncomfortable.
â You know what, let's table this.
Country music is about heartbreak, so I made a list of heartbreaking things in my life that led us to this song.
He made me cry through Zoloft tears.
I mean, I didn't know I could have real tears.
I went to the fun fair, and I won the Cake Walk.
My mom showed up at the fun fair, and her boyfriend that she was madly in love with had just broken up with her.
And this is where I have a hard time, because my mom's passed away, and I feel like she's in outer space and she's gonna be upset if I tell the story.
But the way I remember it, she was like "Peter broke up with me because he hates you!" And, you know, as an adult, I look back, and I go, he probably wanted to break up with her, and it was more polite to be like, you know what, you've got kids, that's complicated for me, you know, but it was like she took it really hard, you know? It was a bad marriage to my dad, and her therapist tried to fuck her.
Everybody broke her.
â God, I love the title, "Somebody Broke Her.
" â Ooh.
She'd tell me to be brave while she stayed in her bed.
But she didn't leave her bed much.
â She was always there And she was never really there â They're patiently waiting for you to say the crudest, worst thing they've ever heard in their entire life.
I can see it in their eyes.
â I put the cunt in country.
I did not wanna say that.
You guys forced me to say that.
You should blame yourself.
She had all these things that broke her down, but like when she would gather us around, it would be to say, "Girls, look at the sunset! Girls, look at the moon!" you know? â She said, "Girls, look at the sunset" "Oh, girls, come look at the moon" Mm And then follow that.
What's next? Wâwhatââ â Oh.
â Mm! â â She said, "Girls, look at the sunset, oh, girls, come look at the moon.
" â Everything she could see from the window of her room.
â She loved all the fairy tale lives â 'Cause once upon a time Someoneââ Oh.
Wait.
â Okay, that's good.
Let's do the rest again.
â Oh, we're gonna sell this to Carrie Underwood! We have a performance in a little while.
I feel bad because you are a songwriter.
You may have stakes in tonight.
I know that if I blow it, it will still probably be gold in some way.
That said, you're a Grammyânominated songwriter â Which means â That you've never won a Grammy.
â Thank you.
Oh, my gosh.
Whoo! â She was always there She was never really there She taught me that life is a bully And how to laugh like I just didn't care She loved all the fairy tale lives 'Cause once upon a time Somebody broke her â Back somewhere along the way, she said Life screws you over But you learn how to make it okay â So I pick up the pieces And stare at the stars Like I've got somethin' to show her â I'm stronger than hell Because somebody broke her She said, "Girls, take a look at the sunset" "Oh, girls, come look at the moon" She saw the beauty in all of the things Things she could see from her room And I never knew That somebody broke her Back somewhere along the way She said, "Life screws you over" But you learn how to make it okay So I picked up my pieces And stare at the stars Like I've got somethin' to show her â I'm stronger than hell Because somebody broke her She was never there But she was always there Sarah Silverman, everyone.
Welcome to Nashville.
Come back anytime.
â How's tomorrow? Thank you so much.
I hope I gave you some good hair.
Or we could do the pubes song.
â Instead? â Instead.
Hey, Lee and I recorded the song in a real studio, and if you make a donation to the Music City Cares Fund, you'll get a download of "Somebody Broke Her" all to yourself.
Go to cfmt.
org/ilyamerica and make a donation now.
All proceeds go to help victims of the tragedy in Las Vegas.
â Well, I am a super fan of tonight's guest.
She is a brilliant country artist who was a successful chef, a drunk, and a junkie when she hit bottom on the floor of a prison cell at the age of 27.
Please welcome my amazing friend Mary Gauthier.
I would say you have a country artist's wet dream of a tragic story.
So, uh, could you tell us about your life and how it led you to music? â Well, yeah.
I got sober at 27.
I started, uh, being able to speak in full sentences at 30, and um I, uh, started hearing songs and feeling a pull towards songwriting.
And by the time I was 35, I was playing open mics, trying to get the songs in front of an audience to see if they sucked or not, really.
â Um it's funny, because you are one of the most hopeful, joyful people that I've ever met, and your songs are make you wanna kill yourself.
â Yeah.
â So do you think there's a connection between those things? â Yeah, you know, when I feel like shit, I write a song.
That's how it works for me.
I use the It's a guitar.
â I call it the money maker.
I use the money maker to, um, to help me articulate what's going on, and then I inflict it on people.
And some people like it, and it helps them toââ to understand that what they're feeling at least one other person has felt.
And there's something about it that really works, yeah.
â Now let's get deep into this.
So "Mercy Now" "Rolling Stone" called "Mercy Now" the saddest song ever written, and it is.
It's funny because we've all been listening to your music all week, and one of the writers, Diona Reasonover said, your music made her so depressed, she had to listen to Morrissey to cheer up.
So what inspired "Mercy Now" and will you sing some for us? â Thank you.
Yes, of course I will.
I wrote that on a bad day.
I was having, um, trouble in my career, and I felt like I wasn't gettin' what I deserved.
I was talking to somebody in recovery and expressing that feeling and my friend reminded me, "Mary, it would be good to remember "that given the behaviors you've exhibited in your life, you really don't want what you truly deserve, do you?" And I'm like, "Oh.
You're right.
" And itââa light bulb went in and it became, "Oh, I don't really want what I deserve.
Thank you.
I'm good.
" And then I realized, oh, my God, what if the churches got what they deserved, based on some of the worst days of their life? What if America got what it deserved based on some of the worst days of her life? What if any of us? And so that's where the idea is it started to come in that well, instead of getting what I deserved, I think maybe I would prefer a little mercy now.
And it flipped, and it turned into, uh, to this.
So, uh, so I My father He could use a little mercy now The fruits of his labor Fall and rot slowly on the ground His work is almost over Won't be long He won't be around I love my father He could use some mercy now â Ay yi yi yi yi.
I'm plotzing over here.
â Eh â Um, you describe yourself as an outsider.
So tell me the experience of, you know, performing at the Grand Ole Opry, at places that are so kind of traditionâbased or traditional.
â Well, I'm pretty good at splitting an audience in half, kinda like Moses Yeah.
Some will, and some won't.
I don't, obviously, look like the other girls at the Opry, so, uh, there's a challenge just by my physical appearance for me being there.
But an awful lot of folks will.
And those are the ones I'm after.
I think it's progress that, you know, a big queer could be on the Opry and survive it.
â Yeah! So you've been working with veterans now the past couple of years on this project, on an album, and, uh, you have an album coming out in a couple of months called "Rifles and Rosary Beads.
" And you basicallyââ you coâwrote songs with veterans, so tell me all about it.
â Yeah, thanks for asking.
I'm working with an organization called SongwritingWith: Soldiers, and what we do is pair up professional songwriters with, uh, with veterans, people who have served.
And sometimes their wives and sometimes their families.
And we get songs from their experiences.
And, uh, to try to describe it shortly is so hard.
For me to say anything in a small way about it is is challenging because it's so moving.
â Right.
â But I got this thing here where I can go, well, if you don't know what to sayââ â Again, it's called a guitar.
Oh, my God, Mary.
â Well, it's this magic thing.
I can play notes and it helps them to go, "Yeah, that's how I feel.
" What I'm interested in when I'm working with the veterans is getting a really good song for 'em.
â Your experience, their experience.
â Their words, their experience.
â I'd love to hear a little of one of the songs which I got to hear called "Bullet Holes In the Sky.
" â So, um This is a veteran sittin' in the Waffle House on Veterans Day 'cause if you have a military ID, they give you free breakfast at the Waffle House on Veterans Day.
It's the 11th of November Down in Nashville, Tennessee Free breakfast at the Waffle House If I show my ID A parade up on the riverfront I can hear the trumpets play Hands on hearts, the color guard Kicks it off on Veterans Day And they thank me for my service And wave their little flags They genuflect on Sundays And yes, they'd send us back But I believe in God and country And in the angels up on high And in heaven, shinin' down on us Through bullet holes in the sky Mmmâmmmâmm Mmâhmm Mmâhmmm â Mary Gauthier.
Thank you so much for coming.
I adore you.
Wow! What a fun, weird, crazy show.
I went to Nashville and I wrote a sad song about my mom, I got to catch up with my good friend Mary Gauthier, and now there's only one thing left to do before I close my eyes tonight.
Fucks mattress.
Verbal.
â I'm gonna go now.
â Oh, cool! Thanks again.
Good night, America.
I "lerve" you.
â How the hell do I get out of this place?