I Love You, America (2017) s01e09 Episode Script
Episode 9
1 - I love America.
- I love America.
- I love America.
- I love America.
That's why I want it to be the best it can be.
- Quality education for all.
- Livable wages and decent-paying jobs.
- Defending democracy and free speech.
- No party buses.
- A woman's right to choose.
- Humane treatment of animals.
- Normal pens with caps, not the clicky retractable ones where people are like click, click, click.
Click, click, click.
- Protecting the environment.
- Racial equality.
- All the Medieval Times and Renaissance Faires you want in Canada.
- Universal health care as a human right.
- LGBTQ equality.
- A nation without finger foods where everybody isn't sticking their filthy hands into one bowl of cheddar-flavored fecal matter and dried semen.
- Say no to bullies.
- Say no to prejudice.
- Say no to destination weddings.
- Anyone who feels unsafe in their own nation is allowed in America regardless of immigration status.
Safety is a human right.
- Let's bring an end to private party magicians and their billowy blouses.
- Federal funding for after-school programs.
- What is it about magic that gives men ponytails? - I love America.
- I love America.
- I love America.
- Don't CC me.
BCC me.
Shave it off, stay alive, open wide Show us how to conquer first and then divide Don't know if we're stayin' long, stayin' long Used to staying weak And now we're staying strong We don't wanna go where we do not belong Lonely as the day is long, day is long Hey, it's my buddy and yours, Sarah Silverman! - Hi! Hi, everybody.
Hello.
Thank you for being here.
I love this exact combination of people.
Hello to you at home.
Welcome.
Okay.
Behind my back, I'm either holding one or two fingers.
If it's a one, I'll do a monologue about the rise of nationalism in America.
If it's a two, I'll do a monologue about how pelicans' beaks can hold so many teeny, tiny fish.
Okay, what's it gonna be? Chh, chh, chh, chh, chh! It's a one! It's a one.
Nationalism it is! Okay.
I had a boyfriend many years ago.
He was my first boyfriend who had his own house.
And one day, I went outside to see what he was doing, and he was hoisting an American flag up the flagpole in his front yard.
And I instantly felt very weird.
It didn't make sense, but I felt this feeling of, like, um I felt scared.
Yeah.
I felt scared.
And so I was like "What are you doing?" And he said, "Raising the flag.
" And I was like, "Why?" And he's like, "Um, because I love America.
" And I was like, "Right.
" Right.
Of course.
" But inside, I was shaken.
And then I calmly walked to my car and I got inside and I called my sister Susie to tell her what happened.
Now, maybe you're thinking, "What do you mean what happened? Nothing happened.
Your boyfriend put an American flag up at his own house.
" No.
You're totally right.
I had no idea why I was freaking out.
I Just I had this very visceral reaction.
And my sister, who knows shit 'cause she's a rabbi in Israel, explained to me She was like, "Dude", "nationalism is innately terrifying for Jews.
"Think about it Flags, marching, "blind allegiance These things tend to ring a bell for us.
" Right.
Of course! Duh.
It made sense.
And it made me realize that the things that terrify some people are the same things that give other people great comfort.
You know? It's like, um like the way the sight of a Police car might give people comfort, for instance, white people.
Or it might make other people very uncomfortable, like, say, unarmed black children playing in a park.
Ohh - Oh, and I guess, like, the Duke boys.
They always had run-ins with the cops, didn't they? But they would have been shot dead in episode one if they weren't white as the driven snow with the Confederate flag on the top of their car.
Why did they have so many ramps in Hazzard County? Did we ever get an answer to that? I find that, uh, nationalist movements tend to kind of exploit patriotism for their own cause.
Like take a slogan like "Make America Great Again" or "America First.
" They go down easy.
They sound patriotic.
And that's because lumping an undeniable statement of patriotism into your cause is like the ultimate cheat.
But patriotism and nationalism, to me, are very different things.
Like, patriotism is loving your country.
I'm a total patriot.
I love my country.
Whereas nationalism has this, like, "We're number one" vibe.
And I fear that that "We're number one" nationalism is really like an old bed buddy of racism and xenophobia.
Jocelyn, we're not doing that.
Sorry.
She means well.
She And, by the way, if something is truly number one, you don't have to go around saying it all the time.
It's kind of like a beta move, really.
I mean, Harvard doesn't take out ads that say "Harvard! The world's number one college! "Apply now! The failing Princeton is number three.
Sad!" You know, like, um The best pizza place in the world doesn't call itself Pizzeria Number One.
Oh, right, there is Pizzeria Uno, but that's like Uno Uno's like the, I think, the owner's last name or something.
There's so many layers to that laugh, I feel like as like someone maybe attuned to comedy you're like, "Oh, that That could have been funny.
" Yeah.
" A lot of people feel that Jesus is number one, but I think even they would agree with me that he wouldn't go around saying, "I'm number one!" Maybe he would wear the foam finger, like ironically The difference between loving America and "USA is number one" is like the difference between a desire for progress and change versus "we're perfect and we'll never change.
" Which is crazy, because change is how you stay number one.
I mean, if you don't change with the times, you die.
Take it from my good friend Blockbuster Video.
Or, uh you can just look them up on their MySpace page.
Or you know what? Better yet, you should leave a message on their answering machine.
They have a great outgoing message, it's like, Nobody's home Nobody's home There's a very, like There's an age line to getting that.
We criticize the things we love because we want them to be better.
In some ways, to criticize is to love.
Which is why Jews are by far the most loving people out there.
I'll never forget the last thing my mother said to me before she died And this is true "Your hair" "it's so dry.
" You know, or when people take a knee during the National Anthem It doesn't mean that they're saying they don't love their country.
It means that they believe America can and should be better.
And I believe that they will stand for the "Star Spangled Banner" as soon as people of color can play in the park or drive home from a party or just be outside without the fear of getting killed by the people they pay to protect them.
As patriots, I think we should strive to see ourselves in each other.
Whereas I feel that the nationalist view is to see yourself and then others.
You know, America's motto is "e pluribus unum," which means "Out of many, one.
" By the way, if you're not going with a Latin motto, like what are you even doing? It's instant cachet.
Like "quid faciam tibi brunneis.
" What is that, the password to some Illuminati secret society? No! It's just a hoity-toity way of saying, "what can brown do for you?" U.
P.
S.
, you are welcome! But back Back to e pluribus unum: Out of many, one.
That is what the country is about, okay? There's a very, very far distance from the very similar sentences of "we are one" and "we're number one.
" There's like a willing blindness in saying we're number one, I feel like.
Like, I love America.
I think it's great to love America.
Like, "enough to make a whole TV show about loving America" "of which I'm currently hosting" great.
I could have made a TV show about how much I love coconut oil believe me But I didn't.
I made it about America.
Coconut oil is very versatile, by the way.
It's basically the Swiss Army knife of oils.
But that's a whole other monologue for a whole other time.
In conclusion Look, I can get behind the flag.
It's a wonderful symbol.
It's beautiful.
It's majestic.
It looks great in the wind.
It's spangled as fuck.
But that "we're number one" shit's gotta stop.
It's tacky.
There's only one thing that's number one, and that's pee.
Cue applause! Thank you.
Thank you.
You're so sweet.
You know, I wanted to do a piece with a Jew, a Catholic, and a Muslim, but we didn't have the budget.
So we got one person who's all three.
Ahamed Weinberg is a Catholic Jew born and raised Muslim, and he made this piece for us.
Watch it with your eyes! Growing up as a Muslim in America, you feel misunderstood.
But I was white, too, so I felt accepted and rejected at the same time.
My parents converted to Islam before I was born.
That's how they met.
And then they got married on September 11th.
It was 1988, so they didn't know.
September 11th is a bad wedding anniversary for two Muslims, but even worse is that my dad still forgets somehow.
That's like twice as bad.
I remember their anniversary very well, though, especially in 2001.
Nobody knew what was happening.
It felt fake.
Until it didn't.
I remember my friend crying.
My dad was on the plane! I know it! Our parents were called to pick us up.
My mom was late.
So was Jordan's.
I bet the Muslims did it.
My dad says they hate us.
- That's the weird thing about being me is I don't look Muslim to many people, so sometimes things just slip out 'cause they trust me.
We aren't terrorists, right? Are we? Nobody goes to the mosque for at least a year.
Jeff, you're being ridiculous.
We are in danger.
You don't think someone's gonna try to attack us now? I saw the fear from both sides that day.
I saw my friends scared of Muslims, and I saw my parents, these Muslims who were basically scared of my friends.
But time passed, and we healed.
Those were still my friends, and my parents still celebrate their wedding anniversary on 9/11 because they're not terrorists.
They're emotionally invasive, and at times I felt like they ruined my life, but it was never a global concern.
And then Trump made up that thing about Muslims celebrating as the Towers fell, and I thought, "That's so fucked up.
" And then I thought, "Maybe he's not lying.
" Maybe he just saw my parents slow dancing on a roof in New Jersey, celebrating their love.
- When I first moved to New York at 19 years old, I used to hitchhike all the time, and I never got killed once.
So I decided to test fate and head back the Big Apple to make friends with some random murderers.
I mean motorists.
Hey, you gonna give me a ride? Yeah? No? Give us a ride uptown.
Yeah, okay.
Fantastic! I'm Iliana.
Nice to meet you.
Oh! I knew someone would pick us up.
- I'm like, "Why is she" in the middle of the street?" - It's Tyler's birthday today.
- You guys picked up a hitchhiker today with your child in the car.
I mean, you guys have a death wish or something.
That's dangerous! - Well, you know, it's his birthday we had to do something exciting.
- That guy's walking a cat.
Did you see that? - I love anything with a wet nose.
I was just watching you and Adam Sandler and - I remember that.
It was when I was Janeane Garofalo, in "Funny People.
" Yes, yes! - I've been around a long time.
I'm like herpes, I Never really go away.
The first thing you realize when you hitchhike in New York is that there is an insanely diverse array of people crammed into this little penis-shaped island.
The only thing more remarkable is how willing they are to tell you exactly what they think about anything.
Where'd you guys grow up? - We call it Chinahurst now.
- Is it a lot of Asian people? Very much.
And it's nice, actually, to see the respect that they have.
And that's why I think America should be a blended country.
But make it a little harder for them to get in, you know? When when my ancestors came here, all the husbands came first to build bridges and to build dig tunnels and to send scrape money to get together to bring their families here.
You know, you had to be sponsored.
It wasn't like it is now.
Oh, it's not easier now.
Most of the cab drivers I talk to, people I talk to, they are here sending money home to their families.
- Yes.
- Immigrants have always - been a boost to the economy.
- Absolutely.
But now it's a drain on the economy, because now they get to come here and go to school for free.
- Who's going to school for free? We can't even go to school for free.
We need to take back our country, and it's not about persecuting people, because we're all immigrants.
It's about let's take care of us before we take care of everybody else.
- Aren't all of us everybody else? - My great-grandmother, she came from Mexico many, many, many years ago.
How long have you been here? - Do you love it? - A millionaire? - Yeah.
- How're you gonna go about it? What's the plan? - Oh - Do do not worry about me.
- Um, yeah, because I make complete sentences, I sound white.
They think I sound intelligent.
- It happens to us literally every day to the point where we're just like, "Another day.
Same shit.
" - Let's talk about it.
Tell me about race.
- We were just - We just left - Talking about this.
- The best exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum on lynching in America and radical, powerful black women.
And it was so good, like both exhibits are great.
But we were literally just having this conversation.
So I'm a physician and she's a nurse, and we were talking - You're a physician, - and she's a nurse? - Yeah.
- Oh, my God, you guys look like kids.
- So we were literally just talking about how like when we're going to see patients, like I'll be with a medical student, and then the patient will turn to the med student and be like, "What do you think we should do?" And the med student will be like, "I don't know.
" You should ask her.
She's the doctor.
" But it, like, doesn't connect with them.
They're just looking at me and they're like, "There's no way she's a physician.
"It has to be you 'cause you're like a middle-age Russian kid.
" Ohh I love New York City.
It looked like a Normal Rockwell painting.
You know the Norman Rockwell painting that's the homeless guy masturbating behind a Popeye's Chicken? - No.
- It was just like that one.
- Oh snap.
- Listen, Tyler, for your birthday I got you a couple of those Victoria's Secret models.
I hope it's okay.
- I mean, at the end of the day, like, we're not all the same, but that doesn't mean that it's a negative thing.
Like just embrace each other for their differences and then like keep it pushing.
- Yes.
- You don't have to Everyone doesn't have to be one thing in order for us to coexist.
- I know.
We're on a planet in outer space.
All right.
This was amazing.
Well, I didn't die.
And even though I was reminded just how differently two people in one car can see the world, it was also a great reminder that somehow we all coexist.
- It was such a pleasure.
- Tyler, happy birthday.
Can I get a hug too? People don't think of New York as a place to hitchhike, but if you're stuck in an intersection in the East Village and willing to meet people along the way, all you gotta do is catch a car going Uptown, and your options are endless.
Just, um, you know, you should probably bring a camera crew to be safe.
This is Mather.
We go to Mather if the show gets to be a little much and we need that reassuring comfort of a traditional late night talk show host.
- Check, please! - Oh, Mather, you're not too much.
- Ah-hem! - Oh, my God, Mather! - I just feel like we haven't cut to me in a while - No! You're right.
I'm sorry! You were my training wheels, and I guess I've learned how to ride a bike.
- I'm glad I could help you make me irrelevant.
- Mather, what do you got? - Ha ha.
Well, I got a super-hard dick after listening to that monologue.
- You should maybe take the rest of the day off.
- Gladly! - You fucking made her, man! And how did she repay you? I'm meeting up with some friends tonight.
I think you'll like what they have to say.
- We did find a temporary replacement, so, Jimmy, take us home.
I recently got a chance to talk with my good friend the amazing comedian Patton Oswalt about a whole bunch of stuff from nationalism to finding joy after the tragic loss of his wife Michelle.
And also, we ate some fruit.
Take a look.
Hi, I'm Sarah Silver Hi.
I'm Sarah Silverman.
- Mm.
Again, mid-range.
- Hi.
Hi.
Hi! - Hi! - Yeah, there you go.
- Hi.
I'm Sarah Silverman.
- Less vocal fry.
- Hi - Ooh.
No.
- Hi! - There ya go.
- Hi! - - Hi, Patton.
- Hi, Sarah.
- So this episode's about, um, - white nationalism - Oh.
- Examining nationalism.
- Mm-hmm.
- The various pathways of the disenfranchised white male.
- Yeah.
Well, you mean the, um, the white males that used to be in charge of 99.
9% of stuff on the planet and that has since plummeted to - like 93%? - Right.
- Yeah.
Hanging on by their fingernails.
- What they understand as white genocide is like the thought of everyone having a seat at the table.
- Exactly.
Yeah.
- But their feelings are real.
- No, there are Well, their feelings are real except that you can take real feelings and hijack them for something bad.
- Right.
- And when you look at any white nationalist movement, it always comes down to some failed, entitled leader who, uh, he or she finds a shortcut, and the shortcut is always rage and resentment.
- Right.
- And all of this, like, neo-Nazis are the new punk That is really frightening - That's - When they alt right is the new punk, conservative is the new punk, neo-Nazis are the new punk.
We're just we're just kicking against the status quo.
No, you're trying to bring back a very ancient status quo that should have been dead even before rock and roll Even before jazz, that all shoulda been dead.
So don't say that you're some new punk rock.
You're just trying to It just I-it Ugh! I-it's trying to make it cool for skateboarders.
- Yeah.
It is so fascinating, right? - It's ridiculous.
Yeah, I-it The Twitter trend bar is such Someone should print out a day-by-day, because that is a daily haiku about our ongoing psychosis and nervous breakdown.
- What's trending to day? What's trending to-day - Kar-dash-ians and Nazis.
- - What about - Flint dude? - - Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, yeah.
But that's kinda how I think we're having an extended nervous breakdown.
- Well, there's two very different kinds of patriotism.
Like there's the patriotism where you love this country and you want it to be the best it can be.
And then there's "real patriotism", which is USA number one.
And that kind of nationalism is highly disconcerting.
- Well, 'cause what nationalism is, uh, is "my country, number one for a tiny portion of the population.
" If you were a true patriot, you would want America to be the most awesome place for whoever shows up.
I thought it was agreed in 1945 that, yeah, Nazis are awful.
It's not a debate anymore.
- Here's the truth: Winning wars doesn't change people's minds.
- No, it really doesn't.
- You know? We won the Civil The North won the Civil War.
There's still rampant racism.
- Yeah.
- You know, World War II, we won - People still hate Jews.
- Yeah.
If anything, it looks like - You don't win they've dug in even deeper.
- Over people's feelings.
Yeah.
They dig in deeper.
- Yeah.
- So - Motherfuckers.
Hey, how 'bout this? - You got married.
- Yes, I did.
- You're a married man.
- It feels weird to be at that level of joy with this person that I just I'm so I'm so effortlessly head-over-heels in love with.
- You talk about your joy now with Meredith and your family and how - Oh, my God.
- Do you think that the horrors of this last year of losing your wife Michelle gave you a new perspective on joy, kind of informed your ability to experience joy? - Yeah, because with Michelle, that was such deep, real true love that the one this is a very, very creepy silver lining to come out of it But it's that thing of when you lose that level of joy and contentment, you really recognize it when it comes again.
And so the fact that it came with Meredith and it came, you know, relatively soon but I was like, I can't not recognize - You owe no apology for how soon that happened.
- I know, but there's people - And that Maybe it's soon for us who are living our lives - Right, right.
- Every day - A friend of mine that went through the same thing was like, "Yeah, 'cause you're living with it every day", so you're going to heal way quicker.
" These other people are going, "Well, it's a little quick for me" Well, you go deal with it, 'cause I - That just made me wanna fucking - You're outta your mind.
- Punch the Internet.
- Yeah.
You know, I am deliriously happy with with Meredith, and my daughter is deliriously happy with her, so wh Who am I trying to impress at this point? - I love you.
- Thank you.
I love you.
- Thank you for doing this.
- Thank you.
Mmm! - We give nice heart-to-heart hugs, just like my therapist says.
- Yes, we do.
All right, I'm gonna get this to go.
- Mm.
Me too.
- Let's box it up.
Thank you.
- Thank you, Patton.
And be sure to check out Patton's new show "Happy!" on the Syfy channel.
What is that noise? What is that noise? We're white! We're ranting! We're male! We're chanting! We're white, we're ranting.
We're male, we're chanting! We're white, we're ranting.
We're male, we're chanting! - What the - We're white, we're ranting.
- Mather.
- We're male - Mather, what are you doing? - We refuse to participate in the marginalization of our gender or be cuckolded by your feminized society and your lib-tard propaganda! Am I right, guys? Yeah! That's right! Yeah, yeah! - What is happening? - What's happening is that we refuse to apologize for being white men.
- "Jews will not replace us.
" I hate to tell you, Mather, but I'm a Jew, and I have replaced you.
- - Look Look in our eyes.
We are the faces of the rebellion, and we will not be emasculated by the femin-Nazi agenda! - Who's "we"? Who do you see here? Am I am I touching them now? Am I jerking off two men's right's guys right now? Are they coming in my face? What is going on, buddy? - I don't know what's real anymore.
- Nobody does.
We could all be brains in jars.
- Really? - Yes! Everybody's scared.
Everybody's lost.
The world is fucking scary.
But you know what Mr.
Rogers, a male, once said? He said, "You're the only one qualified to be you.
" - I think, uh I think I really messed up, man.
- Mather, we all do.
I mean not always so quickly in a six-episode arc, but - I just really miss the show.
You know? And the people.
You know, my cup of pencils.
And the audience and, you know, my pencils, and I I don't know.
I just really miss my pencils.
- We miss you too.
Why don't you come back? - Because you said you replaced me! - Yeah, no, Jimmy did that cameo like two weeks ago.
It took him eight seconds.
I think he's busy.
- Really? - Yeah! The show's not the same without you.
I mean, it's still super top-shelf, but Come on.
Let's make "I Love You, America," great again.
- #ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm! - But you're gonna have to leave these guys behind.
- Okay.
Sorry, guys.
You heard her.
Sorry, Chris, John, Spence! Tickle Monster and Tim, and I forget your name and Chris H sorry, guys.
- I think they're okay.
They're gonna be fine.
Hey! - Reunited, and it feels so good! - Yeah! Good night, America.
We "lurve" you.
- I'm desky and I know it! - Save it for the show.
- 10-4, matey! - Mather, stop! Hammer time!
- I love America.
- I love America.
- I love America.
That's why I want it to be the best it can be.
- Quality education for all.
- Livable wages and decent-paying jobs.
- Defending democracy and free speech.
- No party buses.
- A woman's right to choose.
- Humane treatment of animals.
- Normal pens with caps, not the clicky retractable ones where people are like click, click, click.
Click, click, click.
- Protecting the environment.
- Racial equality.
- All the Medieval Times and Renaissance Faires you want in Canada.
- Universal health care as a human right.
- LGBTQ equality.
- A nation without finger foods where everybody isn't sticking their filthy hands into one bowl of cheddar-flavored fecal matter and dried semen.
- Say no to bullies.
- Say no to prejudice.
- Say no to destination weddings.
- Anyone who feels unsafe in their own nation is allowed in America regardless of immigration status.
Safety is a human right.
- Let's bring an end to private party magicians and their billowy blouses.
- Federal funding for after-school programs.
- What is it about magic that gives men ponytails? - I love America.
- I love America.
- I love America.
- Don't CC me.
BCC me.
Shave it off, stay alive, open wide Show us how to conquer first and then divide Don't know if we're stayin' long, stayin' long Used to staying weak And now we're staying strong We don't wanna go where we do not belong Lonely as the day is long, day is long Hey, it's my buddy and yours, Sarah Silverman! - Hi! Hi, everybody.
Hello.
Thank you for being here.
I love this exact combination of people.
Hello to you at home.
Welcome.
Okay.
Behind my back, I'm either holding one or two fingers.
If it's a one, I'll do a monologue about the rise of nationalism in America.
If it's a two, I'll do a monologue about how pelicans' beaks can hold so many teeny, tiny fish.
Okay, what's it gonna be? Chh, chh, chh, chh, chh! It's a one! It's a one.
Nationalism it is! Okay.
I had a boyfriend many years ago.
He was my first boyfriend who had his own house.
And one day, I went outside to see what he was doing, and he was hoisting an American flag up the flagpole in his front yard.
And I instantly felt very weird.
It didn't make sense, but I felt this feeling of, like, um I felt scared.
Yeah.
I felt scared.
And so I was like "What are you doing?" And he said, "Raising the flag.
" And I was like, "Why?" And he's like, "Um, because I love America.
" And I was like, "Right.
" Right.
Of course.
" But inside, I was shaken.
And then I calmly walked to my car and I got inside and I called my sister Susie to tell her what happened.
Now, maybe you're thinking, "What do you mean what happened? Nothing happened.
Your boyfriend put an American flag up at his own house.
" No.
You're totally right.
I had no idea why I was freaking out.
I Just I had this very visceral reaction.
And my sister, who knows shit 'cause she's a rabbi in Israel, explained to me She was like, "Dude", "nationalism is innately terrifying for Jews.
"Think about it Flags, marching, "blind allegiance These things tend to ring a bell for us.
" Right.
Of course! Duh.
It made sense.
And it made me realize that the things that terrify some people are the same things that give other people great comfort.
You know? It's like, um like the way the sight of a Police car might give people comfort, for instance, white people.
Or it might make other people very uncomfortable, like, say, unarmed black children playing in a park.
Ohh - Oh, and I guess, like, the Duke boys.
They always had run-ins with the cops, didn't they? But they would have been shot dead in episode one if they weren't white as the driven snow with the Confederate flag on the top of their car.
Why did they have so many ramps in Hazzard County? Did we ever get an answer to that? I find that, uh, nationalist movements tend to kind of exploit patriotism for their own cause.
Like take a slogan like "Make America Great Again" or "America First.
" They go down easy.
They sound patriotic.
And that's because lumping an undeniable statement of patriotism into your cause is like the ultimate cheat.
But patriotism and nationalism, to me, are very different things.
Like, patriotism is loving your country.
I'm a total patriot.
I love my country.
Whereas nationalism has this, like, "We're number one" vibe.
And I fear that that "We're number one" nationalism is really like an old bed buddy of racism and xenophobia.
Jocelyn, we're not doing that.
Sorry.
She means well.
She And, by the way, if something is truly number one, you don't have to go around saying it all the time.
It's kind of like a beta move, really.
I mean, Harvard doesn't take out ads that say "Harvard! The world's number one college! "Apply now! The failing Princeton is number three.
Sad!" You know, like, um The best pizza place in the world doesn't call itself Pizzeria Number One.
Oh, right, there is Pizzeria Uno, but that's like Uno Uno's like the, I think, the owner's last name or something.
There's so many layers to that laugh, I feel like as like someone maybe attuned to comedy you're like, "Oh, that That could have been funny.
" Yeah.
" A lot of people feel that Jesus is number one, but I think even they would agree with me that he wouldn't go around saying, "I'm number one!" Maybe he would wear the foam finger, like ironically The difference between loving America and "USA is number one" is like the difference between a desire for progress and change versus "we're perfect and we'll never change.
" Which is crazy, because change is how you stay number one.
I mean, if you don't change with the times, you die.
Take it from my good friend Blockbuster Video.
Or, uh you can just look them up on their MySpace page.
Or you know what? Better yet, you should leave a message on their answering machine.
They have a great outgoing message, it's like, Nobody's home Nobody's home There's a very, like There's an age line to getting that.
We criticize the things we love because we want them to be better.
In some ways, to criticize is to love.
Which is why Jews are by far the most loving people out there.
I'll never forget the last thing my mother said to me before she died And this is true "Your hair" "it's so dry.
" You know, or when people take a knee during the National Anthem It doesn't mean that they're saying they don't love their country.
It means that they believe America can and should be better.
And I believe that they will stand for the "Star Spangled Banner" as soon as people of color can play in the park or drive home from a party or just be outside without the fear of getting killed by the people they pay to protect them.
As patriots, I think we should strive to see ourselves in each other.
Whereas I feel that the nationalist view is to see yourself and then others.
You know, America's motto is "e pluribus unum," which means "Out of many, one.
" By the way, if you're not going with a Latin motto, like what are you even doing? It's instant cachet.
Like "quid faciam tibi brunneis.
" What is that, the password to some Illuminati secret society? No! It's just a hoity-toity way of saying, "what can brown do for you?" U.
P.
S.
, you are welcome! But back Back to e pluribus unum: Out of many, one.
That is what the country is about, okay? There's a very, very far distance from the very similar sentences of "we are one" and "we're number one.
" There's like a willing blindness in saying we're number one, I feel like.
Like, I love America.
I think it's great to love America.
Like, "enough to make a whole TV show about loving America" "of which I'm currently hosting" great.
I could have made a TV show about how much I love coconut oil believe me But I didn't.
I made it about America.
Coconut oil is very versatile, by the way.
It's basically the Swiss Army knife of oils.
But that's a whole other monologue for a whole other time.
In conclusion Look, I can get behind the flag.
It's a wonderful symbol.
It's beautiful.
It's majestic.
It looks great in the wind.
It's spangled as fuck.
But that "we're number one" shit's gotta stop.
It's tacky.
There's only one thing that's number one, and that's pee.
Cue applause! Thank you.
Thank you.
You're so sweet.
You know, I wanted to do a piece with a Jew, a Catholic, and a Muslim, but we didn't have the budget.
So we got one person who's all three.
Ahamed Weinberg is a Catholic Jew born and raised Muslim, and he made this piece for us.
Watch it with your eyes! Growing up as a Muslim in America, you feel misunderstood.
But I was white, too, so I felt accepted and rejected at the same time.
My parents converted to Islam before I was born.
That's how they met.
And then they got married on September 11th.
It was 1988, so they didn't know.
September 11th is a bad wedding anniversary for two Muslims, but even worse is that my dad still forgets somehow.
That's like twice as bad.
I remember their anniversary very well, though, especially in 2001.
Nobody knew what was happening.
It felt fake.
Until it didn't.
I remember my friend crying.
My dad was on the plane! I know it! Our parents were called to pick us up.
My mom was late.
So was Jordan's.
I bet the Muslims did it.
My dad says they hate us.
- That's the weird thing about being me is I don't look Muslim to many people, so sometimes things just slip out 'cause they trust me.
We aren't terrorists, right? Are we? Nobody goes to the mosque for at least a year.
Jeff, you're being ridiculous.
We are in danger.
You don't think someone's gonna try to attack us now? I saw the fear from both sides that day.
I saw my friends scared of Muslims, and I saw my parents, these Muslims who were basically scared of my friends.
But time passed, and we healed.
Those were still my friends, and my parents still celebrate their wedding anniversary on 9/11 because they're not terrorists.
They're emotionally invasive, and at times I felt like they ruined my life, but it was never a global concern.
And then Trump made up that thing about Muslims celebrating as the Towers fell, and I thought, "That's so fucked up.
" And then I thought, "Maybe he's not lying.
" Maybe he just saw my parents slow dancing on a roof in New Jersey, celebrating their love.
- When I first moved to New York at 19 years old, I used to hitchhike all the time, and I never got killed once.
So I decided to test fate and head back the Big Apple to make friends with some random murderers.
I mean motorists.
Hey, you gonna give me a ride? Yeah? No? Give us a ride uptown.
Yeah, okay.
Fantastic! I'm Iliana.
Nice to meet you.
Oh! I knew someone would pick us up.
- I'm like, "Why is she" in the middle of the street?" - It's Tyler's birthday today.
- You guys picked up a hitchhiker today with your child in the car.
I mean, you guys have a death wish or something.
That's dangerous! - Well, you know, it's his birthday we had to do something exciting.
- That guy's walking a cat.
Did you see that? - I love anything with a wet nose.
I was just watching you and Adam Sandler and - I remember that.
It was when I was Janeane Garofalo, in "Funny People.
" Yes, yes! - I've been around a long time.
I'm like herpes, I Never really go away.
The first thing you realize when you hitchhike in New York is that there is an insanely diverse array of people crammed into this little penis-shaped island.
The only thing more remarkable is how willing they are to tell you exactly what they think about anything.
Where'd you guys grow up? - We call it Chinahurst now.
- Is it a lot of Asian people? Very much.
And it's nice, actually, to see the respect that they have.
And that's why I think America should be a blended country.
But make it a little harder for them to get in, you know? When when my ancestors came here, all the husbands came first to build bridges and to build dig tunnels and to send scrape money to get together to bring their families here.
You know, you had to be sponsored.
It wasn't like it is now.
Oh, it's not easier now.
Most of the cab drivers I talk to, people I talk to, they are here sending money home to their families.
- Yes.
- Immigrants have always - been a boost to the economy.
- Absolutely.
But now it's a drain on the economy, because now they get to come here and go to school for free.
- Who's going to school for free? We can't even go to school for free.
We need to take back our country, and it's not about persecuting people, because we're all immigrants.
It's about let's take care of us before we take care of everybody else.
- Aren't all of us everybody else? - My great-grandmother, she came from Mexico many, many, many years ago.
How long have you been here? - Do you love it? - A millionaire? - Yeah.
- How're you gonna go about it? What's the plan? - Oh - Do do not worry about me.
- Um, yeah, because I make complete sentences, I sound white.
They think I sound intelligent.
- It happens to us literally every day to the point where we're just like, "Another day.
Same shit.
" - Let's talk about it.
Tell me about race.
- We were just - We just left - Talking about this.
- The best exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum on lynching in America and radical, powerful black women.
And it was so good, like both exhibits are great.
But we were literally just having this conversation.
So I'm a physician and she's a nurse, and we were talking - You're a physician, - and she's a nurse? - Yeah.
- Oh, my God, you guys look like kids.
- So we were literally just talking about how like when we're going to see patients, like I'll be with a medical student, and then the patient will turn to the med student and be like, "What do you think we should do?" And the med student will be like, "I don't know.
" You should ask her.
She's the doctor.
" But it, like, doesn't connect with them.
They're just looking at me and they're like, "There's no way she's a physician.
"It has to be you 'cause you're like a middle-age Russian kid.
" Ohh I love New York City.
It looked like a Normal Rockwell painting.
You know the Norman Rockwell painting that's the homeless guy masturbating behind a Popeye's Chicken? - No.
- It was just like that one.
- Oh snap.
- Listen, Tyler, for your birthday I got you a couple of those Victoria's Secret models.
I hope it's okay.
- I mean, at the end of the day, like, we're not all the same, but that doesn't mean that it's a negative thing.
Like just embrace each other for their differences and then like keep it pushing.
- Yes.
- You don't have to Everyone doesn't have to be one thing in order for us to coexist.
- I know.
We're on a planet in outer space.
All right.
This was amazing.
Well, I didn't die.
And even though I was reminded just how differently two people in one car can see the world, it was also a great reminder that somehow we all coexist.
- It was such a pleasure.
- Tyler, happy birthday.
Can I get a hug too? People don't think of New York as a place to hitchhike, but if you're stuck in an intersection in the East Village and willing to meet people along the way, all you gotta do is catch a car going Uptown, and your options are endless.
Just, um, you know, you should probably bring a camera crew to be safe.
This is Mather.
We go to Mather if the show gets to be a little much and we need that reassuring comfort of a traditional late night talk show host.
- Check, please! - Oh, Mather, you're not too much.
- Ah-hem! - Oh, my God, Mather! - I just feel like we haven't cut to me in a while - No! You're right.
I'm sorry! You were my training wheels, and I guess I've learned how to ride a bike.
- I'm glad I could help you make me irrelevant.
- Mather, what do you got? - Ha ha.
Well, I got a super-hard dick after listening to that monologue.
- You should maybe take the rest of the day off.
- Gladly! - You fucking made her, man! And how did she repay you? I'm meeting up with some friends tonight.
I think you'll like what they have to say.
- We did find a temporary replacement, so, Jimmy, take us home.
I recently got a chance to talk with my good friend the amazing comedian Patton Oswalt about a whole bunch of stuff from nationalism to finding joy after the tragic loss of his wife Michelle.
And also, we ate some fruit.
Take a look.
Hi, I'm Sarah Silver Hi.
I'm Sarah Silverman.
- Mm.
Again, mid-range.
- Hi.
Hi.
Hi! - Hi! - Yeah, there you go.
- Hi.
I'm Sarah Silverman.
- Less vocal fry.
- Hi - Ooh.
No.
- Hi! - There ya go.
- Hi! - - Hi, Patton.
- Hi, Sarah.
- So this episode's about, um, - white nationalism - Oh.
- Examining nationalism.
- Mm-hmm.
- The various pathways of the disenfranchised white male.
- Yeah.
Well, you mean the, um, the white males that used to be in charge of 99.
9% of stuff on the planet and that has since plummeted to - like 93%? - Right.
- Yeah.
Hanging on by their fingernails.
- What they understand as white genocide is like the thought of everyone having a seat at the table.
- Exactly.
Yeah.
- But their feelings are real.
- No, there are Well, their feelings are real except that you can take real feelings and hijack them for something bad.
- Right.
- And when you look at any white nationalist movement, it always comes down to some failed, entitled leader who, uh, he or she finds a shortcut, and the shortcut is always rage and resentment.
- Right.
- And all of this, like, neo-Nazis are the new punk That is really frightening - That's - When they alt right is the new punk, conservative is the new punk, neo-Nazis are the new punk.
We're just we're just kicking against the status quo.
No, you're trying to bring back a very ancient status quo that should have been dead even before rock and roll Even before jazz, that all shoulda been dead.
So don't say that you're some new punk rock.
You're just trying to It just I-it Ugh! I-it's trying to make it cool for skateboarders.
- Yeah.
It is so fascinating, right? - It's ridiculous.
Yeah, I-it The Twitter trend bar is such Someone should print out a day-by-day, because that is a daily haiku about our ongoing psychosis and nervous breakdown.
- What's trending to day? What's trending to-day - Kar-dash-ians and Nazis.
- - What about - Flint dude? - - Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, yeah.
But that's kinda how I think we're having an extended nervous breakdown.
- Well, there's two very different kinds of patriotism.
Like there's the patriotism where you love this country and you want it to be the best it can be.
And then there's "real patriotism", which is USA number one.
And that kind of nationalism is highly disconcerting.
- Well, 'cause what nationalism is, uh, is "my country, number one for a tiny portion of the population.
" If you were a true patriot, you would want America to be the most awesome place for whoever shows up.
I thought it was agreed in 1945 that, yeah, Nazis are awful.
It's not a debate anymore.
- Here's the truth: Winning wars doesn't change people's minds.
- No, it really doesn't.
- You know? We won the Civil The North won the Civil War.
There's still rampant racism.
- Yeah.
- You know, World War II, we won - People still hate Jews.
- Yeah.
If anything, it looks like - You don't win they've dug in even deeper.
- Over people's feelings.
Yeah.
They dig in deeper.
- Yeah.
- So - Motherfuckers.
Hey, how 'bout this? - You got married.
- Yes, I did.
- You're a married man.
- It feels weird to be at that level of joy with this person that I just I'm so I'm so effortlessly head-over-heels in love with.
- You talk about your joy now with Meredith and your family and how - Oh, my God.
- Do you think that the horrors of this last year of losing your wife Michelle gave you a new perspective on joy, kind of informed your ability to experience joy? - Yeah, because with Michelle, that was such deep, real true love that the one this is a very, very creepy silver lining to come out of it But it's that thing of when you lose that level of joy and contentment, you really recognize it when it comes again.
And so the fact that it came with Meredith and it came, you know, relatively soon but I was like, I can't not recognize - You owe no apology for how soon that happened.
- I know, but there's people - And that Maybe it's soon for us who are living our lives - Right, right.
- Every day - A friend of mine that went through the same thing was like, "Yeah, 'cause you're living with it every day", so you're going to heal way quicker.
" These other people are going, "Well, it's a little quick for me" Well, you go deal with it, 'cause I - That just made me wanna fucking - You're outta your mind.
- Punch the Internet.
- Yeah.
You know, I am deliriously happy with with Meredith, and my daughter is deliriously happy with her, so wh Who am I trying to impress at this point? - I love you.
- Thank you.
I love you.
- Thank you for doing this.
- Thank you.
Mmm! - We give nice heart-to-heart hugs, just like my therapist says.
- Yes, we do.
All right, I'm gonna get this to go.
- Mm.
Me too.
- Let's box it up.
Thank you.
- Thank you, Patton.
And be sure to check out Patton's new show "Happy!" on the Syfy channel.
What is that noise? What is that noise? We're white! We're ranting! We're male! We're chanting! We're white, we're ranting.
We're male, we're chanting! We're white, we're ranting.
We're male, we're chanting! - What the - We're white, we're ranting.
- Mather.
- We're male - Mather, what are you doing? - We refuse to participate in the marginalization of our gender or be cuckolded by your feminized society and your lib-tard propaganda! Am I right, guys? Yeah! That's right! Yeah, yeah! - What is happening? - What's happening is that we refuse to apologize for being white men.
- "Jews will not replace us.
" I hate to tell you, Mather, but I'm a Jew, and I have replaced you.
- - Look Look in our eyes.
We are the faces of the rebellion, and we will not be emasculated by the femin-Nazi agenda! - Who's "we"? Who do you see here? Am I am I touching them now? Am I jerking off two men's right's guys right now? Are they coming in my face? What is going on, buddy? - I don't know what's real anymore.
- Nobody does.
We could all be brains in jars.
- Really? - Yes! Everybody's scared.
Everybody's lost.
The world is fucking scary.
But you know what Mr.
Rogers, a male, once said? He said, "You're the only one qualified to be you.
" - I think, uh I think I really messed up, man.
- Mather, we all do.
I mean not always so quickly in a six-episode arc, but - I just really miss the show.
You know? And the people.
You know, my cup of pencils.
And the audience and, you know, my pencils, and I I don't know.
I just really miss my pencils.
- We miss you too.
Why don't you come back? - Because you said you replaced me! - Yeah, no, Jimmy did that cameo like two weeks ago.
It took him eight seconds.
I think he's busy.
- Really? - Yeah! The show's not the same without you.
I mean, it's still super top-shelf, but Come on.
Let's make "I Love You, America," great again.
- #ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm! - But you're gonna have to leave these guys behind.
- Okay.
Sorry, guys.
You heard her.
Sorry, Chris, John, Spence! Tickle Monster and Tim, and I forget your name and Chris H sorry, guys.
- I think they're okay.
They're gonna be fine.
Hey! - Reunited, and it feels so good! - Yeah! Good night, America.
We "lurve" you.
- I'm desky and I know it! - Save it for the show.
- 10-4, matey! - Mather, stop! Hammer time!