I Rock (2010) s01e01 Episode Script

Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

(GUITAR AMP HUMS) (POWER CHORD PLAYS) (SNORING) (PHONE RINGS) (SIGHS) What? In my room.
(DOOR OPENS) (SIGHS) Sorry, I knocked before but you didn't answer.
I'm trying to sleep.
It's 5:30.
We've got a sound check in 20 minutes.
I know.
What's with the Les Paul? Well, I've just been trying for months to think of a good way to say thanks, you know, for letting me play bass in your band Fill-in bass.
Yeah, sorry.
Fill-in bass.
That's for me? Mmm.
Just for letting me move in, you know (LAUGHS) This has been an exciting time in my life and Yeah, right.
I suppose you can afford it, though.
Yeah.
Well, sort of.
And you bought it for me as a present but you started playing it before you gave it to me? It would have been nice to have been the first one to play it.
It's second-hand anyway.
Yeah.
But you know what I mean.
Yeah, sorry.
That's cool.
Don't mention it.
And why aren't you changed yet? We've got a gig to play.
(SNIFFS) ('PILLS' BY THE MESS HALL PLAYS) (TO Y SIREN WAILS) Welcome to the sound of my head My weary head I can't, can't, can't Shotgun.
Already called it.
Step back and look your way No, you didn't.
'Cause your sad face makes me wanna Drop another pill There he is.
Hey, Val, nice gloves.
A good craftsman always takes care of his tools.
Tools.
(LAUGHS) Oh, well, at least we'll have one fan here tonight, mate.
Oh, fuck! Wouldn't be a Boy Crazy Stacey gig without your ex showing up, would it? (DRIVING ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) Hey.
Hey.
Hi, Jane.
Hi.
Um, hey, when's your EP launch again? It's Friday week, right? Because I ran into Jarrod from Summer Records at the Sneakers for Asylum Seekers benefit gig last night.
Oh, my God, it's such an amazing cause.
And I said to him he should come to your launch and he said, "Maybe.
" Brilliant, Jane.
Thanks.
Nice work, darl.
Great.
Um, and I was thinking I should do a review of tonight's gig and put it on the blog, so that, you know, get some word of mouth happening.
It's your blog.
Whatever you wanna do.
You have to be good, though, because I'm a pretty tough critic.
Gotta unpack.
(BAND TUNES INSTRUMENTS) Nash, she knows everyone, and lots of people read her blog, so just be nice to her, OK? Please.
Cara, vocal mic.
Thrush, gonorrhoea, chlamydia Little Ponies suck! Luke has face herpes.
(LAUGHS) Who's the new chick? I don't know.
But she's in Cara's band, so she's probably just up for a bit of One, two, three, four! (BAND PLAYS ROCK MUSIC) (SINGS) Don't tell the minister Don't tell the dictator Do tell the checkout chick It's time to party, dance, dance Don't tell the lifeguard Don't tell the matron What? Their new sound kicks arse.
Whatever.
I have no soul, so I'll just jump on the electro-pop bandwagon like every other pubescent hipster.
La-la la-la la la Limited (GRUNTS) (CROWD MUTTERS) These are my girls, people.
You touch them, you fucking die! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Amateurs.
La-la la-la la la Limited invitation No time for hesitation Don't miss your Cara, love your new sound.
Thanks, Nashie.
So, have you spoken to her yet or what? She hasn't seen me play yet.
Go on, get over there, you soft cock.
Hey, listen, I was, um I was thinking maybe I should do individual interviews with you guys also.
Last I checked, they don't put interviews in a review.
Well, no, not usually, but I thought it would be a good chance for you to talk up your EP.
Yeah, that soun sounds pretty good.
Um, but, look, I think we need to go set up, actually.
Yeah, I was just coming to get you.
Er, totally.
I meant after the gig, of course.
(LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Of course.
(DRINKS NOISILY) Umm Alright, well, that's enough foreplay.
Time for Boy Crazy Stacey to fuck this cat.
Don't do drugs.
Whoo! (BAND PLAYS DRIVING ROCK MUSIC) Hey, little girl who never makes up her mind You make the right words so hard to find That doesn't stop all the messed up tempers trying I may be one but you're gonna have to hear me C'mon and give it to me You wanna give it to me Well, if the shoe don't fit Well, then, it's not to be Oh, give it to me You wanna give it to me Oh, girl, I know you wanna Well, I'm making sounds and they're all so, so polite When I should say, "You're coming home with me tonight" I had a plan and it went from A to B to nothing This is a last-ditch shot on the buzzer Hot damn! C'mon and give it to me Well, if the shoe don't fit Hold on to me Oh, girl.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) How awesome was that? It was shit.
We totally fucked up 'No Book.
' What? What do you mean? You were totally on fire.
Hey, I've got a surprise for you.
Obviously, the CD slip will be a lot smaller than that, but Why does Luke look like he's stoned? Because I was, mate.
We look like a '90s boy band.
Yeah, you didn't come up with any better ideas.
Mine were too subversive for you to handle.
Sorry, was that the white text on a black background or the black text on a white background? White text on a white background.
Look, I finally got time at the big printer at work, so I So all you've managed to do is this one poster? Oh, well, using work resources, it's all a bit slower than Have you even done the EPs yet? I mean, it's a little hard to have an EP launch without them Dude, it's 10 days away.
That's, like, a month.
Look, they'll be ready, I promise.
Jesus! Now, you promised me an interview, mister.
Let's, um, just go somewhere quieter.
So, where shall we start? Look, um, just stop using the interview stuff as an excuse to talk to me, OK? I've been trying to be nice for a couple of months since we broke up, but Hey, Cheeseballs, thanks for coming, man.
Thank you.
It's time to get over it.
Fuck you, Nash.
(SCOFFS) Nice set.
Oh.
(LAUGHS) Thanks.
You too.
So, um, how long have you been playing in Cara's band? Is that you asking if I'm gay? Hey? No.
Um, you're not, are you? Would it matter if I was? No, not at all.
I mean, these days, God, I say anything goes.
So you've been with guys before? No, I I just, um No, because you just said No, I thought I was agreeing with you.
(LAUGHS) Actually, I'm kidding, I've never I've never been with a girl before.
Oh, well, you're not missing out on anything, so Ma'am, your wish is my command.
Yay.
That's a good one.
(LAUGHS) We're seeing if rock star licences look like normal people's.
Ah.
And I think it's your turn.
I don't I don't think so.
(LAUGHS) Oh, come on, we promise we won't laugh, will we, Tim? Oh, I wouldn't dream of it, boy.
Look, I I don't have a licence.
(LAUGHS) I don't really need a car, you know, living this close to town.
You know what I mean Tim, you know, inner city.
And plus those Yeah.
Hey, my team of personal stylists would love to show you their licences.
Shall we go, my dear? Yes.
(LAUGHS) I'II, um I'll see Oh, um, sorry.
You are? Um, Nash.
Oh, Comet.
Would you like to play for my band? Sorry? Yeah, that's, er that's one way to do it, mate.
Yeah.
Um What? The thing is, er So, what are you guys talking about? Just hanging out.
Nash just asked me to join his band.
You already have a bass payer.
What, who, Jasper? Your little brother, yes.
Man, he's more our manager than anything.
Actually, he's, like, an account executive for Burke and Lang moonlighting as our manager.
Moonlighting.
I don't even mean full-time.
Not full-time.
That's the thing.
It's just for our EP launch next Friday night.
Oh, Friday.
Just one gig.
I'm not trying to fuck with your band, Cara.
As if.
As if.
Are we cool? We're cool.
I'm so drunk, actually.
I might grab some tap water Oh, God, would you shut up? Ah! So, you want Comet for one gig? Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, just ask.
Can Comet play for my band for one gig? Please.
(LAUGHS) What the fuck are you asking me for? It's up to Comet.
(LAUGHS) Um (LAUGHS) If you want me.
(YOU AM I PLAYS 'MY BROTHER'S ROOM') Mmm, 15 I didn't know shit from Shinola It was bucket bongs, Clearasil and gin and cola So is he double-clicking Cara's mouse or what? What?! You know, is she polishing the beetle bonnet? Ringing the doorbell? No.
She's not dining at the Y? She's not.
How do you know? I'll tell you about it later.
1984 was the year of hardcore in my brother's room But, hey, now, you're shittin' me, what's goin' on there? There's a 12-string chime that's got me fuckin' up my hair Jasper, you can still be manager.
Like, that's where your strengths lie, so what's wrong with playing to your strengths? Stop crying.
(SINGS) I'm setting you free This is the way it has to be Get out of the band Get out of the band Get out of the band Sounds good.
Yeah.
Um (CLEARS THROAT) Yeah, it's just something I'm working on.
Cool.
Uh, we need to have a little chat.
Yeah, I know.
I've got heaps to get organised.
I'm mean, just so we get the EPs in time, I've had to send the master off to Duping Fast to get copied.
I've got posters to put up.
I've got promo packages to send out to the radio stations.
Are we still going with 'Catch and Kiss' for the single? Um Yep.
OK.
Then I've got to update MySpace, Facebook, tweet the peeps.
Is there anything else you can think of to No.
That sounds really, really good.
Keep it up.
Brace yourselves.
Jane just put her review on her blog.
Already? What did you say to her? Nothing.
(SCOFFS) (SCOFFS) JANE: Nash? Are you home? Nash, we need her to bring people to the launch.
Holy shit! Could you please knock? Care to explain this? I'm sorry, I forgot about your inability to handle criticism.
(LAUGHS) Think you're so clever, don't you? "Boy Crazy Stacey is a band who are "in desperate need of a homogenous stage presence.
" I think you'll find that's grammatically incorrect.
"And for someone who takes themselves so seriously, "Nash Taylor needs to try and write," - try to write - lyrics with some emotional depth.
Oh, my God.
No, no, the errors keep coming.
Nash Scroll down for Get out of my room! Fuck! Get out of my house.
I'm on the lease.
So am I, psycho.
I think you should stop talking to Jane that way.
Screw you, traitor.
I Did you shag her before or after she went online and slagged off our band? Well, if you must know, it was during.
Go screw yourselves.
Oh, we will.
(MUTTERS) What the fuck are you doing? It's not fair to rip in No.
Way.
(WHISPERS) I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have talked to you like that just now.
Or last night.
Or last night.
I was an a-hole Whatever.
Plus, you've been a big supporter of Boy Crazy in the past and I'd really appreciate it if you'd come to the EP launch.
And if you want to bring any industry friends or whatever, we'd really appreciate it.
You're kicking your brother out of the band? Are you serious? He's a fill-in.
He's been "filling in" for over a year.
Plus, he's a gun.
He is a corporate stooge playing rock star.
Comet is the real deal.
(SCOFFS) Comet is some little ditz that you've spoken to for five minutes and you wanna bone.
That doesn't make her rock'n'roll.
Who's not rock'n'roll? Sheryl Crow.
You got Brazilian dancing tonight? That's capoeira.
So, you'll be home around 7:00? Probably.
Why? No reason.
Well, rock on, boys.
Rehearsal's at 4:00.
Why aren't you wearing a shirt? The real question is - why wasn't I wearing any pants? It's pistachio.
I'm allergic to nuts.
Oh.
Um, that's alright, I'll just, um I can eat nuts, it's alright.
So how long have you been playing bass for, sweetheart? Two weeks? Three? Since I was about 16.
My dad taught me.
Aw, he sounds nice.
He's dead.
Oh.
Sorry.
No, it's fine.
He was addicted to crystal meth, and it made him so paranoid, he bought a gun for protection.
One day he came home, shot up the kitchen because he thought someone was hiding in the pantry with a knife.
(LAUGHS) One of the bullets ricocheted off the toaster and (EXHALES) Cool.
So, where's your other guitarist? I'm not talking to that a-hole.
He can practice by himself.
(SINGS) And p-p-p-pack your bags and leave Get out of the band! Seriously, man, that song is a hit.
I can't get it out of my Hello.
Why are you home so early? Somebody accidentally kicked the instructor in the head and he had to go to emergency, so (DRAMATICALLY) Capoeira goes bad.
Oh, Little Ponies bassist.
Among other things.
(LAUGHS) So, what are you guys doing? Nothing.
Nash is teaching me some Boy Crazy Stacey songs.
Oh, right.
Hang on.
I think I've got all the basslines written out in my room.
I can just go get them for you if you want.
Wow, that'd be great.
Yeah.
How cool is that when other people wanna learn your songs? (LAUGHS) Your brother's nice.
(LAUGHS) (ROCK GUITAR AND ORGAN INTRO) I'm sending a message Of love Been dreaming of friendships unresolved 2,000? What, are our parents buying, like, 500 copies each or something? Yeah, I thought Nash was being a little optimistic about sales but it's fine, really.
5,000 bucks is a bargain, especially when you consider how short notice it was.
$5,000? Where did you get that sort of cash? Savings.
And a little bit of credit.
But, I mean, you know, promotion, work will kick in sometime soon.
Jesus! Have you got any idea how long it's gonna take to recoup that? That's fine.
Look, it's my job.
Look, I'll wear it.
Just don't say anything to Nash about it, OK? I just want him to focus on the gig tonight.
It's an investment in the future, like superannuation.
Dude, do you seriously think this Boy Crazy Stacey thing is going anywhere? Of course.
What, don't you? (SINGS) Catch and kiss Uh-uh-oh Give me that for a second.
Why? Ah! Fuck! Ah! You gutless prick.
Jesus! Why didn't you tell Jasper you were kicking him out of the band? Oh, I needed him to stay focused on the managerial side.
I didn't want him moping around in the lead-up to the launch.
This is bullshit.
The entire point of this is us having a good time.
Yeah, I'm trying to take things to the next level.
No, you're just trying to get your end away.
I honestly don't get why you hate your brother so much.
You don't have one.
Yeah.
Thank fuck for that.
Ah.
Oh! SONG: Waaah-ow! JASPER: Here we are.
Can you believe it's actually happening? I'm pretty sure all the regulars will turn up.
Maybe even some of the big booking agents as well.
Oh, Jasper, for God sakes! Sorry, I'm just really excited.
I know.
And, look, you've done an OKjob pulling this all together, so Thanks, Nash.
Your hair looks really good, by the way.
Why do you have to be such a fucking dork all the time? You're making this so hard for me.
What? You know how we kind of agreed you'd be the fill-in bass player? Yeah, I know we said that when I started I've found someone permanent.
What? Who? Remember Comet? From the other day? That was an audition and she passed, so But you never t Do I still get to play tonight? I kind of figure the industry people should see the new line-up.
Um See.
She's just a better fit for the band.
(COUGHS) Nash? Not now.
I just need a second.
(SIGHS) Writing another review tonight? I can't wait to read it.
I think we've moved on.
You're still shagging Val, though, aren't you? What's that got to do with anything? And why do you care? I don't.
I mean, we all know why you're doing it.
God knows why you'd choose a poser like Val but as long as the guy's in a band, it doesn't really matter, does it? What the fuck are you looking at? Jarrod, Lucy.
We're from Summer Records.
I brought them.
Jane, I'm so sorry Jane and I went out for a couple of years.
It's complicated.
If there's anything I can do for you guys What the fuck is this? Ah! One gig - that was the Comet meal deal.
She can have a side project, can't she, Cara? You don't own her.
Maybe if she knew about the side project.
And where did you get that photo anyway? We can probably make it to the other gig.
No, no, guys, please.
Please don't go.
You're really gonna like what you see tonight.
Yippee! Is the bar BYO or what? It is gonna be off the hook.
Cara, you little sexy lesbian, how about a beer? He's our drummer.
He's really, really good.
(LAUGHS) Nash, we're not finished.
Can this wait one second? Indeed it can.
Val Dracar, our lead guitarist.
The Ninja Fingers, we call him.
You can't even see them move - that's how quick his fingers move.
He is quite something special.
I quit.
What? I refuse to continue playing the patsy while you torment Jane.
It's over.
(LAUGHS) You're quitting over her? Are you fucking mental? If you can't see how magnificent she is, then that's your problem.
Magnificent.
(LAUGHS) You know what? If that's how you feel, piss off.
I don't need you anyway.
I never have.
Val, come back here.
(LAUGHS) You wanker.
Jasper, Jasper.
Shouldn't you be doing the sound check? I was just kidding before, man.
That whole kicking you out of the band thing was just a big joke.
Yeah, sounded pretty serious to me.
No.
Oh, come on, are you serious? Like the EP cover that I gave you - that was ridiculous.
It's not funny, Nash.
Oh.
Alright, maybe it wasn't the funniest joke in the world.
Jasper, please! What?! I need you to stay, OK? You leaving now, that's like saying, "I don't love Boy Crazy Stacey," and I know you love Boy Crazy Stacey, so Come on, man.
I'm your brother.
I wanna be permanent bass player.
I can go you one better, actually.
How do you feel about lead guitar? He was dead weight.
I had to cut him loose.
What, so that 'Get Out of the Band' song, that was about Val? Yeah.
That's pretty insensitive.
Oh! Ah! Yeah! (COUGHS) I might try and sober him up.
Cara's not happy with you.
I know, I know.
There's something I wanna show you.
You play Laser Brigade.
Yeah.
It's pretty cool, actually.
You get as many games as you like for $149 per year, which is good value.
And you actually use this as ID? Yeah.
And you're a cool chick with a dead, gun-toting dad and great eyes, but I'd really like you to play for my band full-time.
(LAUGHS) I'd love to.
Thank you s so much.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hey.
Here we all are.
Thanks for coming.
For those who couldn't make it here tonight, you can get fucked.
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER) (HITS C YMBAL) (LAUGHTER) (MELODIC GUITAR INTRO) Bad fit, back to front again Shirt ripped, hanging bit ragged Glass cracked by the heel of a biscuit Turfed out on the bitumen Bright red on our faces Only thing gotta work out where to head (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) MAN: Oh, show us your tits! We've got plenty of EPs for sale up the back if anyone's interested.
Yeah.
Whoo!