I Rock (2010) s01e05 Episode Script

Fun House

(GUITAR AMP HUMS) (POWER CHORD PLAYS) Five years of work, this is where I'm at.
Supporting my ex-girlfriend and my ex-guitarist who have been playing together for two months.
Why do I let my brother manage our band? 'Cause you can't be bothered.
Yeah, well, he's not doing his fucking job.
You agreed to the gig in the first place, and Jane's inviting a lot of industry friends, so "Jane's invited a lot of industry friends, so" Come on.
Things aren't that bad.
Our royalty cheque came today.
Oh, yeah, and what's our massive remuneration for this quarter? Enough for a hilarious new novelty T-shirt for Luke, or maybe a steak sandwich for the whole band to share.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) (NASH SIGHS) Hey, A-hole, that's my songwriting fee.
I'll take my share now too, thank you.
Hey, guys.
You're not in the band anymore, Val.
The old Boy Crazy contract still stands, does it not? As does my 30% of the songwriting royalties.
You know I'm lactose intolerant.
So, headlining the 'Dale, Jane? Must be pretty excited.
I'm weeing myself.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Oh, there's Simon from Runner Records.
We should say hello.
Oh, and Nash, I only need you to do 30 minutes tonight.
We're extending our set a touch.
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC) (CROWD CHEERS) You know what? We're 10 times the band Akimbo is.
Let's kill it.
(PLAYS ROCK LICK) (FULL BAND PLAYS) (SINGS) Bad fit, back to front again Shirt ripped, hanging bit ragged Glass cracked by the heel of a biscuit Turfed out on the bitumen Bright red on our faces Only thing got to work out where to head And when we rise from the dead ♪ We'll be dressed to the tens ♪ We'll be ready to meet your parents Got a bad fit I got it back to front again Had a shirt ripped and I'm hanging a bit ragged Watch the glass cracked by the heel of a biscuit Whoa! And when we rise from the dead We'll be dressed to the tens We'll be ready to meet your parents And when we rise from the dead We'll be dressed to the tens We'll be ready to meet your parents.
(CROWD CHEERS) Good memories.
Jesus, you label people are thick on the ground tonight.
Idiot.
You've met my dad before.
Oh, shit.
Mr Miller.
Hey.
Still keeping him out of an honest job, I see.
Oh, trying to turn it into an honest job, you know.
How do you rate your chances? 70/30.
So, when are you heading home, Dad? Tomorrow.
Might pop down and see Mum if I get a chance.
But, uh probably not.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, listen, before I forget That should cover a couple of weeks rent, hey? Thanks, mate.
This'll be the last one, I think.
Yeah.
If you say so.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Oh, you missed out.
I didn't know where you were.
I'll get one.
You lucky bastard.
(LAUGHS) We're just mates.
Well, I admire your modesty, sir, but she won't resist for long.
The machismo, the virile, snake-hipped vigour reminded me of a young Mick Jagger.
(LAUGHS) You could have any skirt in here you wanted.
After all, that's what we're here for, isn't it? The young puss-ay.
Oh, but I'm rambling.
Allow me to introduce myself.
What, he said he'd sign us tonight? Among other things.
That's just unbelievable! You're telling me.
Tch.
But we don't really need a label right now.
I mean, we're not ready to record anything new and EP sales are going fine.
Yeah, only 1,980 to go and we're supporting Akimbo.
Make way, you spanners.
Hey.
Tonight is on lan Miller and the lucrative importing of cheap footwear.
Did he go already? Mm-hm.
Time is money, Nashie.
Time is money.
I couldn't agree more, good sir.
Uh this is the guy.
Jasper Taylor.
Lead guitarist and manager.
Ah, the pleasure's all mine, my good man.
Now, perhaps I can entice you round the corner to my studio for a little chat.
Good friends.
Good booze.
The orgy's optional.
(LAUGHS) I think we might just stay here and watch some friends play.
Oh, well, perhaps I can, uh sweeten the deal.
Who's in? (LAUGHS) Right turn, my lovelies! Come on.
Down there.
Come on.
Home! Home, where the heart is.
(LAUGHS) I couldn't just leave Cara there by herself.
She's not in the band.
Oh! Please let Cara come.
Please! I mean (LAUGHS) you don't seriously think this guy's for real, do you? (LAUGHS) Oh, my God.
(LAUGHS) The highlights package bar.
Bingo.
And over here the magic room.
I remember 1986.
Michael Hutchence is standing right in there.
Barefoot, feeling the carpet between his toes, and he says to me, "Well, Andy, this is a new sensation!" (LAUGHS) Coincidence? Well, you be the judge.
And last but not least (GIGGLES) I hope I'm not scaring you off.
Andy, my dad converted our garage into a meth lab when I was 10.
Oh.
Don't worry.
Comet's pretty hardcore.
Right.
What the fuck is this? Well, believe it or not, my lovely, I wore the one on the left in 1973 when I sat in with Sherbet.
Why they left them here is between myself, Clive Shakespeare and a sword-swallowing Peruvian model who called herself 'Queen Guadalupe'.
(LAUGHS) Mm.
(LAUGHS) Mr Frontman, would you care to do the honours? Uh Go on.
I might need two, if that's OK, Andy.
Yeah, 'cause you're such an animal.
(LAUGHS) No.
It just doesn't affect me that much.
(SNORTS) (SPEAKS RAPIDLY) When we're big, I'm not doing interviews.
I don't even understand music journalism, do you? It's like interviewing sportspeople.
Rock stars don't have anything to say outside their work.
"What was your latest album about?" "Just listen to it, you idiot.
" Did it rain on the way? I dunno.
Think it rained.
(SNIFFS) Your hair looks like a waterfall.
What if it was 'Rolling Stone' or something? Maybe, if it was the US version, not the stupid Australian version.
We could talk about our upcoming album or something.
Yeah, that'd be fine.
And we could wear these outfits! Totally.
That would look amazing.
You look like a gay ninja.
Wah! Wah! The girls are meeting us at the Bank.
What? No, let's stay.
This is Boy Crazy Stacey's big night! (GASPS) I'm not in Boy Crazy Stacey! Now, you see, you need more than contacts these days.
How many people have you got out there spamming the radio stations requesting your music? Look, I know a lot of people do it, but I just don't like the idea of faking a fan base.
Well, let's put that aside for the moment and find subjects of more import.
Are you gonna fuck that tonight? (LAUGHS) I've got a girlfriend in the UK.
Cara's gay.
Yeah, but everyone knows there's only two types of lesbians.
There's ones who have found the wrong prick and ones that haven't found the right prick yet.
Can't wait for that to happen.
Mmm.
So, come on, how about it? Just a sneaky pash.
We don't have to fuck or anything.
Oh, you wish.
Yes, I do wish, which is why I'll keep asking till you say yes.
OK, then.
Yes.
(CHOKES) Are you serious? Yeah, but I don't just wanna pash.
I wanna go the whole way.
Oh.
This is weird.
It was your idea, so what are we gonna do first? Um I'm gonna show you how the room looks to big people.
Hey, Skids, Sausage Ray's inviting us to the roof, man.
Let's bail.
Yeah, let's go to the 'Dale and tell Jane and Val about the album deal at the 'Dale.
Except we haven't made one yet.
Oh, details, details! Let us go forth! (DRIVING ROCK MUSIC) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Andy, your place is fucking amazing, man.
I've never seen so much coke in my life.
It was like 'Scarface' when you pulled open that box.
It was like, "Say hello to my little friends.
" Whoo! Forgive me if I'm off the mark, but your little brother seemed somewhat nonplussed.
No, no.
He's just being fucking boring, as always.
As always.
I'm the one in charge.
Just 'cause he's manager I don't offer my services to just anyone.
I could make you the next You Am I, but if you're not interested Andy, we are ready to sign right now.
Like, right now.
That's what I'm saying.
No pressure.
No pressure.
No pressure.
You and your comrades need to be in agreement.
Nah, totally.
Look Ninja Nash is on the case.
Whoo-ah! Wah! Wah! Ah! Arrgh! Oh (LAUGHS) Petro! Oh (LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) Luke, for fuck's sake.
I think it's time you signed this.
Nash, you haven't even read it yet.
Have you even taken anything? Hmm Fine.
New look, Nash? Whoo! Ahh! Where did you guys go? It's a secret.
So, were the industry types all over you afterwards or what? Most of them couldn't stick around.
Ow! Are they business cards from label people or ninja stars? Wah! (LAUGHS) Is this guy a card or what? Andy Bang.
Bang Records! We've just been talking deals at Andy's totally sweet studio.
(LAUGHS) (NEW SONG PLAYS) Oh, my God, I have to dance to this song.
You should see how excited this guy is.
As if being signed to a label means anything anymore.
All the biggest bands are signed to labels.
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe if you've got a couple of albums and enough air-time to do national tours it's worthwhile.
But what's Nash got? One EP full of cheesy-arse B-sides.
These pinas aren't even touching the sides.
Weak as shit.
(GIGGLES) Are you seriously gonna sign with that weird old guy? I've never even heard of Bang Records.
There's a million little indie labels out there.
You haven't heard of all of them.
I've heard of all the good ones.
(LAUGHS) I could organise some meetings for you.
Whatever you want.
You should be with someone you can trust.
Jane, why do I get the impression you're more interested in Nash's career than you are ours? You know, we're just as deserving of a label as BCS.
Val, we're not ready yet.
I think tonight's gig proved that, don't you? Just let me help you.
Why won't you let me help you? Nash you need to come with me.
Yee-ha! (LAUGHS) Who wants a ride on the Luke train? Whoo-ah Ahh Nashie! You can take the one on the left.
I'll have the other two.
We can swap.
Hey, Comet, you can join in! Oh, gee, thanks.
Yeah Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
Sign.
Sign.
Sign on the dotted line.
Sign.
(LAUGHS) Sign.
Huh? Contract.
Andy Bang.
Isn't he awesome? Bang Records? He's like you in 20 years.
Why hasn't Jasper signed it? How do you know Jasper hasn't signed it? You can't even see straight.
Jasper's good with the business stuff.
I'll sign it when he signs it.
Luke! Or until you get me another beer.
They've cut me off or something.
Aren't you supposed to be working tomorrow? Who gives a shit? Are you sure that's a good idea? I've known Luke for years.
He's a machine.
He'll be fine.
Ah Wah! Wah! Psh-oo! Wah! Wah! (GIGGLES) Guess what I've got? Teeth.
(GASPS) (BOTH LAUGH) Where did that come from? Um same place I got these.
That's a lot of drugs for one little girl.
Please.
My dad was doing coke in front of me when I was 10.
Are we rock'n'roll or are we rock'n'roll? (GIGGLES) Ah! Sign.
(CLEARS THROAT) Sign.
Does this mean I stole from our future label guy? That's what label people are for.
They're there to give free shit to artists, like the drugs we're about to take.
Mmm.
But the toilets are getting a little gross.
Mm.
Maybe we could go upstairs.
Yeah.
There's, uh, no-one up there right now, so it'II just be us.
(GIGGLES) I just have to give these beers to Luke.
Wah! Oh, Nash, stop! Here comes the aeroplane.
Nyooow.
No! The only reason you want me to take a pill is because then I might sign.
So? Why can't you just tell me you're so unhappy with my management? Oh, you're a great manager, Jasper.
You're the best manager ever.
You just have no idea what you're doing sometimes and Andy can help.
(SIGHS) Oh Shit! Oh Oh Sorry.
Jane, can you, uh help, please? You haven't done this before, have you? (LAUGHS SOFTLY) I have trouble seeing in low light 'cause when I was a kid, I hit my head on the side of the bathtub and nearly No, I've never done this before.
Oh, that's it.
This ninja gonna go find Andy.
Get him to talk some sense into you.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Jane How long did you and Nash go out for? Ha.
Two years, but that's ancient history.
(SNORTS) He slept with someone else, in case you're wondering.
Actually, right here.
Upstairs.
Yasmine.
This groupie.
Very bad regrowth.
I found out from my friend Gina while we were playing pool at the Townie.
When I confronted him, he denied it, called me a paranoid bitch and broke up with me.
Then he kicked this guy Beagle out of our house and took his stuff out of his room - our room - put it into his room.
(SNORTS) It was a big night.
I heard Yasmine's shagging one of the Faker boys now.
Jane, that's so awful.
(LAUGHS) Rock boys.
They're just massive nerds who play music so they can bang the girls they couldn't get in high school.
I don't think Nash has been with many people since I've known him.
Oh, he's a lot more confident when he's got a back-up.
Jane I don't know how Nash could leave you.
I read your blog, like, every week and you write beautifully about music.
Really.
(SOBS) I think you're amazing.
What's wrong? I'm sorry.
You're so pretty and nice.
Oh (WEEPS) Unfortunately, Nash isn't much of a songwriter without my creative input.
I'm saying this for your benefit, of course, and the last thing I wanna do is besmirch a former colleague.
(SLURS) Nah, nah, nah.
I appreciate that, Val.
Terrible thing, when a band peaks early, but of course it happens, you know.
I'm going home.
Sorry, darling, I'm in the middle of something here.
Well Well, my friend, I need to take a slash.
But please come with.
You can tell me more about Abimbo.
Andy! My dear boy, hold that thought.
I'll be with you presently.
Hey Toohey's fulfils.
(LAUGHS) Hey.
I'm spacing out.
Cara has no honour.
How could she do that to Comet? I have no idea.
No idea.
Do you think I should say something? I think I should say something.
Mmm.
It's gotta be about friendship, Nashie.
Friendship in the band.
I'm definitely gonna say something.
Not kicking anybody out and staying real.
Luke, you're not even listening to me.
You kicked your brother out, you kicked Val out.
I could be next.
Hey, man Hey.
It's all I know how to do, Nashy.
Boy Crazy Stacey - this is it for me.
Just drummer.
You've got nothing to worry about, Luke.
I love you, man.
Look.
Look at you.
What the fuck is he doing? Good luck with your record deal.
Ninja Nash doesn't like this.
Cara, I need to talk to you.
Please don't think I'm evil.
You don't think I'm evil, do you? No, just don't cheat on your girlfriend.
See? Honesty.
That's all I ask for.
Why's that so hard for some people? Because they're liars who don't tell the truth.
Yeah, but that's totally it.
We should hang out more.
Why don't we hang out more? I don't know.
But we got so much in common.
I mean, music Oh, all that stuff.
We should have coffee.
There's a new place on Enmore Road that does really good hot chocolate.
Well, I'm gonna go.
No worries.
Just give me a call sometime.
Wah! My golden boy.
Is everything OK in here? Why? Why do you ask? Well, I just Um What were you and Val talking about? The oligarchy of scoundrels that control our lives! Oh, I've done everything you asked, like, um, ah All I need is Jasper's signature and we're in business.
Well done.
You won the right to see my party trick.
I bet I can guess your jeans size.
Mm.
Ohh Oh, what a night.
I believe you're a 30.
(CHUCKLES) Andy Don't worry.
It's just us.
Just us? Oh, my God.
Comet wanted to have sex with me.
Gentlemen say 'making love'.
Andy Andy I have to go.
Hey! Wah! Have you seen Luke? Ninja Nash worked out what you meant earlier.
I'm really worried now.
He just sent me this text message.
I saw Cara kissing another girl.
Yeah.
She does it all the time.
What? Yeah, well, it's what you guys all do, isn't it? No! Why would you say that? That's awful.
Don't worry.
It doesn't matter.
Just Luke, though.
Can you help me find him? Please? Meet you back here in 10 minutes.
Petro! Jasper, can I ask you a question? Have you done a goddamn pill yet? Nash It's not even because I want you to sign the contract anymore.
Seriously.
You're my little brother and I just want you to be more a part of this band.
All you need to do is just get really fucked up.
Whatever you think, I'm not a drug virgin.
Oh I just find it hard to ignore Third-World economies and governments being destroyed by cartels feeding First-World appetites for Class A drugs.
And even in Australia, I mean, totally aside from the dodgy produce, unless legislation takes power away from killers and corrupt police, I don't wanna do it.
You probably feel no guilt being an end user, and that's fine, but I just can't enjoy them knowing the social cost.
So for the last time no, thanks.
Come on! Alright, alright, just give me the contract.
Um Andy's in the bathroom, so I can take it to him when you're finished.
No, it's fine.
I'II, uh take it to him myself.
I'm going anyway.
Jasper, you are not gonna regret this.
What the fuck do you think you're doing? I'm just giving my boring brother a pill.
Petro! I'm staff! Hey! Leave him alone! Ahh! You're hurting me! Petro Oh I'm telling Matt about this first thing tomorrow.
Andy, I don't think this is the right direction for the band right now.
32 Oh Did you find Luke? Oh, it's so nice and cool out here.
Why didn't we do this earlier? Oh you're high.
So are you.
(BOTH LAUGH) Oh, man.
I definitely I mean, I think I might be falling in love with you and it would be really great if we just had sex, like, right now.
Oh, my God.
Luke?! Uh Co It doesn't even have to be sex! Um is he OK? We could just take our clothes off and look at each other.
Holy fuck.
I have to come with him, OK? He's my brother.
Comet! (MOANING) Rock'n'roll! (SIREN WAILS) ('DRESSED TO THE TENS')