iCarly (2021) s02e04 Episode Script

iHire a New Assistant

Good morning, Mr.
Here's your breakfast, Radical Rosemary.
Rise and shine, Jim.
You're giving off very strong lonely widow vibes.
I'm watering my plants for my new iCarly PlantCam.
It's a livestream so viewers can pop in at any time and check on their progress.
It's become something of a soap opera.
Yeah, I can tell by looking at his leaves, Jim is the evil twin.
Why are you dressed like the Grim Reaper on casual Friday? I am trying on my new outfit for when Granddad Shay visits next week.
I'm hoping if I dress like an old person, it'll help us bond.
I'm also gonna dye my hair white.
Why would you do that when you could just stop dying it brown? Just be cool.
We haven't seen Granddad in forever, and I really want this visit to be a good time.
He's like the only family we have.
He's not the only family we have.
We also have dad and that lady who claimed to be our sister right when she needed a kidney.
Granddad? What are you doing here? I realize I'm a week early.
Traffic was a lot better than I expected.
Oh, Carly! My little gumdrop.
It's been quite a while.
I've really missed you.
Aw, me too, Granddad.
So close, we don't even need a nickname.
Hey, let's all go around and say what we like about each other's life choices.
Patches on your elbows? - Huh? - Oh, do you need a loan? No, Spencer spent two years decorating this whole place himself.
He picked all the furniture, every tabletop, every light fixture.
I did two tours in Vietnam.
Well, I haven't just decorated.
Lately I've been spending most of my time focusing on my new business.
That's right, I have a business.
It's new.
I do business there.
You wanna see my coin collection? What do you need, Radical Rosemary? More water? Less water? Sparkling water? Use your words! I'm so busy.
Work texts, PlantCam, shopping for wigs that, let's face it, I'm never gonna buy.
Harper keeps saying that I should get an assistant.
But it usually only comes up when it's her turn to unload the dishwasher.
I just wish I had more time to spend with you, Granddad.
Don't worry about me, Carly.
Since I retired, I've gotten used to being lonely and bored.
I spend most of my days watching re-runs of Third Rock from the Sun.
Let me go through my schedule and find time for us to spend together.
Uh no.
Not then.
Why did I write "panic attack" with a smiley face? Carly, you have no system.
Here, let me show you mine.
Those all just say "watch Third Rock from the Sun.
" If they stop rerunning that show, I don't know what I'll do.
Granddad, that system is actually amazing.
You should be my assistant! Think about it.
You're bored, you're super organized, and you love unloading the dishwasher.
Unless you think it'd be weird? No, I think it'd be a great way for us to spend time together.
I'll start right now.
Clock me in, Gumdrop.
Also, when's lunch? Why do you need to call your doctor about an irregular cycle? Is your Peloton broken? There it is.
There's the weird part.
Now, the menu is not finalized yet, but check this out.
I took my smoothie pops, aka "smops," and I made them with juice.
Behold the J-Smop! So, they're just Popsicles? Yeah, but I copyrighted J-Smops.
Okay, I have to go.
I'm auditioning hamsters for a therapy position, and parking's a nightmare.
How do you audition hamsters for therapy? Oh, you'd be surprised.
Some hamsters can be more empathetic than others.
I'm just kidding.
I buy a bunch of hamsters, and the ones who don't run away get the gig.
Yeah, you better go.
Finding a parking spot in Seattle is like finding a quiet Aries.
So true! Don't even get me started on how an Aries gets gas! Okay, I'll see you guys later.
- Okay, bye-bye.
- Bye, Pearl.
Total Aquarius move.
- Not that he would know.
- Yeah, not that he would know.
Agreeing with Millicent makes me feel young.
Pearl loves astrology and I want to be able to talk to her about it.
Ooh, let me do your birth chart.
It's like the old saying, "Teach a man to fish and he'll catch a Pisces.
" Ooh, girl, let me catch a breath! That is fully hilarious for those in the know.
Just plug in the time and location of your birth, and your mother's pelvic angle.
Thirty-one degrees.
Very auspicious angle.
Very sad I know that.
The Fourth House?! Oh, this is bad.
Bad, bad, bad.
What? Does it say I'm gonna die? Worse! Your birth chart is a perfect match to my birth chart.
We're soul mates.
What? - No, we're not.
- I know! I mean, she is so out of your league.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're lucky Harper even knows your name.
Come on, Harper.
This whole thing is bogus.
Your skepticism balancing my whimsy? But of course.
We're perfect for each other.
Are you crying? Damn you, Mom, and your scheduled C-section.
This J-Smop is hitting.
I'm working, not shopping! Not for your lowly assistant to judge, but here goes.
Those shoes are ugly.
Is there anything else I can do for you? - I am kinda hungry.
- Ah.
You could have one of my pre-prepared morning snacks.
FYI, they're all yogurt.
It helps me go.
Key lime pie? Granddad, you are begging for a promotion.
And I booked you a collab.
- Seriously? - Mm.
I'm surprised you know what a collab is.
I looked up a list of young words on the web.
I do not wanna be a cheugy! So, who's the collab with? Me and the coins.
Let me think about it.
I'll get that.
That's your assistant's job.
Carly Shay's office.
Pot guy? My granddaughter is not a druggie! The '60s are over! You lost! It's not the pot guy, it's my pottery guy.
- Oh.
- My babies are finally growing up and gonna be able to move into bigger homes.
Sorry I messed up that call.
You know, I could use a list of my job responsibilities.
Sure, I'll write something up for you later.
how 'bout you type it up now? Size 84 font.
None of that sans serif crap.
And while you're up, I'll take a Werther's and a cup for my teeth.
Ah, your steak au poivre at 10:00 in the morning.
I have no follow-up questions.
It's for Granddad.
I made him my assistant so we can spend more time together.
Then why are you getting him a steak? I guess I somehow kind of became his assistant.
No fair, he always picks you! You know what, why don't I have Granddad come here and have lunch? Then, you can show him the restaurant and he can show you his teeth.
Which reminds me, can I get a thick, clear cup? Granddad can't come here, he'll rip this place apart.
I at least need to paint a mural on that wall.
You're right.
Granddad will probably look at that blank wall and be all, "In my day, "we didn't have blank walls.
We had one bone and we made five weeks of soup out of it.
" Hey, Carly.
Are you mad at me? - No, why? - Because I asked you if you wanted anything from the grocery store earlier, and you replied, "No.
" Oh, no.
Granddad must be replying to my texts from my computer.
- Mm.
- Everyone knows old people are the worst texters.
They don't get digital nuance.
Yeah, well, he's also yelling at people in the iCarly comments.
He's logged in as you and it looks like you told someone to go die in a jalopy fire.
I don't know what a jalopy is, but the rest sounds pretty mean.
What am I gonna do? I can't fire my own Granddad.
One banana almond smoothie with five strawberries - and a splash of apple juice.
- That's mine.
I ordered the same thing.
That doesn't mean we're soul mates.
- You guys want straws? - No straw, long spoon.
I told you! Our two hearts beat as one, you gorgeous dumbass.
Wow, Granddad Shay, that was a really interesting coin presentation.
Thank you, young lady.
Guess you could say I'm a "coin-fluencer.
" You're a real "coin-tent creator.
" Look at that, we both coined new phrases! And that's it for our first episode of My Two Cents! "Coin-tent creator"? Not my proudest moment.
But he pays me $20 every time I laugh at one of his jokes.
And say what you will, Granddad brought a ton of viewers to your livestream.
Way more than you usually get.
You filmed that on my livestream? Well, what happened to my PlantCam? Turns out there was a change of "plants.
" Granddad, this is my channel.
Do you think Oprah lets her granddad do coin shows on OWN? No, and that's the only difference between you and Oprah.
Thank you, Carly.
For the first time since I retired, I feel a real sense of accomplishment.
Actually, the first time was last week at Skybucks when I successfully ordered a frappuccino.
Well, I don't wanna take it away from you if you're really enjoying making these coin videos.
Maybe we can do a collab.
Your coins, my plants? Pass.
Actually, Granddad and I have a list of stuff for you to do while we rehearse the next segment.
It's an appreciation of the 1787 Brasher Doubloon.
People need to know about the Brasher D.
Do they? Of course, they do! It's the Brasher D.
I get 10 when I agree with him.
Okay, what kind of therapy animal would you suggest for a 49-year-old woman with a fear of flying? Well, we could be responsible and recommend a small dog.
Ooh, or we could be bad, give her a snake, and wind up with a plane full of new customers.
Pearl! I have something to tell you.
Fredward and I are soul mates.
Excuse me? Harper did my birth chart so I could learn more about astrology to impress you, and our charts are a match.
A perfect match.
Can you please tell Harper that this doesn't mean anything? I'm sorry, but I can't do that.
The stars have spoken, and we must listen.
What?! You're very practical.
Taurus? Yeah, dude.
But I also did Freddie's chart, and, well, your mom and I have been texting ever since she put a tracking device on my car.
But he and I, also a perfect match.
Now, we just have to see who matches with him physically.
Only one way to do that.
Here? Now? The three of us? Salsa dancing.
Wait, what did you think we were talking about? Salsa dancing.
Okay, so to recap.
I'm a perfect match for both of you.
Two of us want to date each other.
Two of us have absolutely no interest in dating each other, and we're gonna solve this with salsa dancing? Well, you wouldn't solve it with a Viennese waltz.
That would be insane.
I'm not the coin-fluencer's assistant! He's my assistant! I agree, it's not going well! What are you doing? I am swamped.
Granddad gave out my email on the show.
Can you believe that? He knows my email.
I thought Millicent was his assistant.
Nah, she's his number one, I'm his number two, and you're kind of like our intern.
It's kind of amazing the show is so popular.
Mm, not really.
They come for the buffalo nickels, but they stay for the silver fox.
Apparently, Granddad is hot.
Spencer, I'm forwarding Granddad's emails to Carly.
You're not responding fast enough, and your tone could use some work.
Fine, let's see if Granddad's Gumdrop can handle the deluge! Ugh! Granddad, we need to talk.
Oh, Mr.
Shay can spare 20 minutes Thursday of next week.
This isn't working.
All I wanted was to spend quality time with you.
But, I'm sorry.
I have to fire you.
Pack your bags.
You're firing me? Huh? That's an interesting wrong decision.
After I answer these last few emails.
I don't wanna leave you in a lurch.
Who is Vinny? He's an old friend.
Why does he say he's going to "quaff you in the noof"? Oh, wait.
"Sorry for the typos.
I'm driving.
Meant to say I'm gonna stab you in the neck.
" He's like an old friend and an enemy.
I wish there was a colloquial term to describe that relationship.
He also thinks I stole my coins from him.
Well, why would he think that? Because I stole my coins from him.
I lost them to Vinny in a poker game, so I broke into his place and took them back.
Coin heists? Nemesis?! If you're a supervillain, you have to tell me.
Granddad, you have to give the coins back to Vinny.
He's on his way here to kill you.
You mean us.
Vinny's not big on witnesses.
I'm not giving these coins back.
They've been in the family for generations.
Your great-great-grandfather stole 'em fair and square.
You're gonna risk your life over coins? It's not like they're front row tickets to Ricky Martin.
Vinny is not murdering Granddad.
If Granddad is gonna die, it is gonna be from natural causes or falling into a pond and drowning 'cause he was trying to feed a specific duck.
I'll think of a way out of this.
Just leave it all to me.
Spencer, I really appreciate you helping out your old Granddad.
And if you pull this off, there is a crisp twenty-dollar bill with your name on it.
Wait, so saving your life and laughing at your jokes gets the same amount? Carly, shut up.
I want those twenty bones.
Thanks for letting us have salsa night at your place.
Well, thank you for being a part of my plan.
What plan? My secret plan.
If you're gonna do a dramatic pause, it's always best to do it with a prop.
Isn't Spencer's restaurant great? I like the cool blank wall.
I feel like it's saying, "Hey guys, I'm just a wall.
So, why doesn't everybody chill out and move on?" I call it lazy.
In my day, you had a blank wall, you put up a sign to "Join the Army.
" It won't be blank for long.
It's all part of the plan.
What the hell are you wearing? These are my custom-made Spencer Shay salsa slacks.
Wait, are those my coins sewn into your pants? They're slacks, and yeah, it's all part of the plan.
How are they Oh no, Vinny's here.
I'm dead.
He looks both frail and scary, so I'm relieved, but still terrified.
And now I dance.
Spencer, if he sees your pants It's part of the plan! - Give me my coins back.
- What coins? The coins on your coin collecting show, which I watched and really enjoyed, by the way.
Hey, here's a fun different topic to help us all forget about coins.
Can you believe they have women pilots now? Well, I'm ready for salsa dancing to decide who I'm compatible with, even though I've already decided I like Pearl, and astrology is ridiculous.
He still thinks it's up to him.
Oh, God, I hope we suck at this.
Not as much as I do.
Damn it, we're great at this.
You'll pry those coins out of my cold, dead fingers.
I'll do it when your fingers are warm.
It takes two hours for a body to cool down.
That Lena Horne is some hot dish, huh? Who is this kid? He's my grandson, and I'm as disappointed as you think I am.
Spencer, if Vinny sees your pants, he's gonna know where the coins are.
You gotta get out of here.
And now we dance.
Our turn.
Let's dance like nobody's watching, even though people are.
Look at them, working out their problems through dance.
Why don't you guys try that? Help less, Gumdrop.
All right, let's finish this.
See if you can handle some of my signature moves.
Why?! Ah! Freddie! Do you know what this means? We're a match! Ooh! Hold up, hold on.
Hey, girl, what's your sign? Libra with a Leo rising.
Ooh, I'm a Sag with a Libra rising! We're compatible! I'm good.
Freddie's all you.
All right, enough pleasantries.
Time for murder.
No, Vinny, wait! Your coins are on these pants! You're lucky the little lady stepped in, Shay, because you were about to tango with Osteo and Porosis.
Thanks for saving my butt, guys.
Unfortunately, I can't pass those coins down to you after all.
Actually, I think you'll still be able to.
The coins will be hidden in plain sight at Shay What forever.
Wait, then what was sewn into your pants? Oh, my custom-made Spencer Shay fake coins.
All part of my scheme.
Great job, Spencer.
Spencer, oh-ho! I'm proud of you.
There, I said it.
Proud of me? I'm just so happy My whole life Family hug! Spencer, Carly, you "coin" always count on me.
Are you sure you wanna drive back to Yakima tonight? I don't want to overstay my welcome.
- You could never - Let me put it bluntly.
You're getting on my nerves again.
Good news, Granddad.
Looks like you and I could be soul mates as well.
But there's only one way to find out.
- I thought you'd never ask.
- Oh! And there it is.
There's the weird part again.
Ooh! He hates these cans.

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