iCarly (2021) s02e07 Episode Script

iDragged Him

1 Explain to me again why your Model UN tournament's being held at Shay What?! They double-booked the school's auditorium, and the debate team quickly and concisely convinced them to bump us out.
You'll never guess what just happened.
Your manager Paul got you an audition for The Great Big Globetrot? Our walls are very thin.
You mean, the reality show where teams compete in a race for a cash prize so large, it could lift entire communities out of poverty? Exactly! Paul said the producers love my child Internet star angle.
They know you're not a child now, right? Anyway, my partner and I just have to make an intro video, and then go to an audition challenge tomorrow.
Listen, I know I'm the obvious choice.
For a race? I've seen you get car sick in an elevator.
That elevator went faster than normal elevators.
But tomorrow is Model UN, and Millicent needs me.
I'm the Gayle to her Oprah.
Oh yeah! Millicent, aren't you gonna beat your nemesis, Henry Von Biedermeyer? He's won the Golden Gavel four years running.
But this year, that gavel is mine.
I can taste it.
It's metallic, like blood.
Ooh, Millicent, I know exactly what you mean.
I just landed the most exciting job of my career since Dutch.
I'm styling four fabulous drag queens for their club's annual Hollywood Icon Night.
Wait, what does that have to do with her thing? Oh, I was just changing the subject.
But if y'all wanna keep talking about a boring children's political event, then sure, let's do that.
Wait, wait, wait.
So, if none of us are gonna be your partner, - then that means - Spencer's gonna do it! It's always been my dream to be on a reality TV show.
My audition for Naked and Afraid was choice! What's in the pack, dude? Rocks, to help me be strong.
When we were kids, Spencer and I crushed every game night.
We were the best team ever.
Ha! Oh! Yeah.
I think y'all are gonna win.
Well, if Malaysia had better garbage-sorting processes If Norway can't be bothered to separate trash from recyclables, then Malaysia's gonna send that trash back home.
'Cause that's what you are, Henry Von Biedermeyer, the king of garbage.
Geez, Millicent, I feel like my race to win a million dollars is less intense than your Model UN tournament.
Yeah, you don't want it as bad.
Thanks for helping me, Dad.
I couldn't destroy Von Biedermeyer without you.
I'm in huge trouble.
Why? Millicent's teacher reached out and asked me to get her to tone it down.
Millicent, tone it down? - Mm-hmm.
- That's like asking Ricky Martin to be less sexy.
Never gonna happen.
Well, apparently she is so competitive, she already drove out seven other participants.
There's no South America now.
It's just gone.
I'm worried she's turning into Spencer.
What? But Spencer was never like that.
Remember how much fun we had at game nights when we were kids? Way to go, Carly, it's like you're not even trying.
Now, put the green piece here.
You destroy every game.
I have to go.
My mom's having GI problems.
See? He can't take us.
Oh, to be young.
And bossed around by your big brother.
Spencer never bossed me around.
He just loves to win.
You know who he's like? - Seabiscuit.
- Kim Jong-un.
Seabiscuit? Yeah, 'cause he's determined, he never gives up, and he's liable to poop absolutely anywhere.
Wait, did you say Kim Jong-un? Did you say anywhere? Ladies of substance Auntie Histamine, Kimmy Kimmy Moore, Cruella Tensions, and the wickedly talented Lana del Slay, I am honored that you chose me to style your drag night.
As you should be.
We are some choosy bitches.
First, a classic Audrey.
A woman waits her whole life for a pearl necklace that thick.
You will always love this Whitney.
The one and only time someone has ever improved on Dolly Parton.
Third, we have Marilyn.
I even figured out a way to install a fan to make the wind blow.
Oh, who is this wind, and how do I meet him? And our final look, little more modern, but still iconic.
I am, for lack of a better word, agog.
Ooh, amazing! Now, you all just have to choose which look you want.
- Any preferences? - Reese! What? I already pulled wardrobe.
You can't all be Reese.
Well, with a good enough stylist, we can.
Alexa, find us a better stylist.
Ahh, ahh, ahh ♪ Wait! No, I can do it.
I can make all four of you Reese Witherspoon.
Yay, thank you, Harper.
Harper, you brought the town together and saved the day, just like Reese Weatherspoon in Pleasantville, Reese Witherspoon in Home Again, and Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde 2: Red, White and Blonde.
Well, buckle up, bitches, 'cause it's gonna be an embarrassment of Reeses.
Reese! Reese! Reese! Reese! Reese! Reese! Reese! Reese! So, what were you thinking for your Great Big Globetrot intro video? Well, I set up a spaghetti taco station.
- Ooh.
- I thought we could talk about how Spencer invented 'em.
- Ah.
- That man could fly to the sun if he put his mind to it.
These rich people need to stop going into space.
Hey, I came up with the most fun idea for our video.
Already done.
Some think artistic perfection can't be achieved.
Uh, they haven't seen this.
Do it, do it, do it all night ♪ Do it now, make me feel right ♪ Whoo! But shouldn't I be in our team video? Nah.
See you guys later.
What? That wasn't so bad.
Come on, Carly, this is exactly what he's been doing since we were kids.
Oh, I don't think so.
Oh, no? Think harder.
Oh, way to go, Carly.
It's like you're not even trying.
Now, put the green piece there.
You destroy every game.
I have to go.
My mom's having GI problems.
See? He can't take us.
Was that a flick? Hey! Oh, my God.
You're right! Except for the thick shiny hair, he's not like Seabiscuit at all.
- Mm.
- Wait.
So, your mom didn't have GI problems? No, she did, I just didn't need to leave game night because of them.
- You chose to.
- I'm a good boy.
Spencer, I know you wanted to train for the audition challenge, but I want to talk to you about our video.
Well, I guess your video.
What is that?! Precipitation.
Ever heard of it, Carly? Dude, we live in Seattle.
On The Globetrot, you gotta be prepared to compete in any and all conditions rain, sleet, snow, sharknadoes.
I need to talk to you about the video No! Stop flapping your gums and start working your guns.
Drop and give me 20.
Spencer, I am not gonna - Go, go, go! - What? Clap in between 'em.
We really need to discuss the Jumping jacks! - What? - Twist.
Now you're in the rain forest.
But look out, the wind is picking up.
Get your vitamins.
Drink, don't think.
What is in this?! Chilis, cayenne, and some ghost jalapeños I got off a shaman in Little Oaxaca.
Food challenges are a huge part of The Globetrot.
No, Spencer, I need to Ah Oh, my God, my mouth is on fire.
I think I'm gonna No, you can throw up in the smoothie cup, but you will have to drink the vomit after.
I stayed up all night, I sewed until my fingers bled, I watched so many Reese Witherspoon movies that when I tried to scream, all that came out was sunshine.
But I got it done.
Girl, you read us all wrong.
Now, what now? You think I'm Elle Woods? I obviously emanate the bubbly-yet-powerful charisma of Melanie Carmichael, née Smooter, from Sweet Home Alabama.
Girl, she didn't even make the costume from Sweet Home Alabama.
39% on Rotten Tomatoes? Now, that's homophobic.
And I'm clearly Kate "Cootie" Kinkaid from Four Christmases.
Wait, stop! I worked really hard on this.
You can't just do that.
Girl! Move some paper with a piece of tape on it? Henny, I just did.
Harper, you can't interfere with fate.
That's why it's fate.
Well, well, well.
Look who just quoted Tracy Flick.
The very bitch I picked to dress like her.
If I could go back in time, I wouldn't do a damn thing differently.
Cheryl Strayed, Wild.
Alexa, we found a really good stylist.
"So, that's why in the spirit of world peace, we are pleased to compromise with the Kingdom of Norway.
" Do you mind if I make some edits to the speech you wrote? Yeah.
I just want you to get along better with your classmates, and for your teacher to stop calling me to say she's afraid of you.
She carries a squirrel around on the weekends so people will talk to her.
So, maybe we don't take her advice.
Can you just try? For me? Sure, I can try to "dial down" my "intensity" because it's "intimidating" to "losers.
" I'm not asking you to do that, I am just asking you to make your Model UN speech less hostile.
That's literally what I just said.
Now we're in Antarctica! It's raining ice! You just saw a penguin, he looks like a little butler.
But you can't talk to him.
Do I have time to use the bathroom? None! Pee as you run, Carly! Pee as you run! Okay, my Reese's pieces.
After four emergency alterations and several renditions of a cappella "Respect," are y'all finally ready? We are! Ow, and we look spectacular! Honey, you turned us out! I am a Christmas bell.
Jingle! Whoever said Harper couldn't pull this off was seriously misguided.
Well, ladies, we could go on and on about how I masterfully wove you into the fabric of the Witherspoon cinematic universe, but if you don't get going, you'll miss drag night.
Oh! Drag night! Was canceled.
Yeah, the emcee called two hours ago.
The club was sold.
It's becoming a Baby Gap.
So, all this work was for nothing? Wait, why did y'all make that grand entrance? Why do Trader Joe's employees look at one item in your cart and say, "Oh, I haven't tried that yet"? It's in our nature.
Ahh, ahh, ahh ♪ No.
You know who wouldn't stand for this? Reese Witherspoon.
You're going to have that drag night, even if I have to bend and snap somebody's neck.
Ooh! We're going to the audition in a limo? Yeah.
That way, we get there faster.
It's a longer car.
The math works.
Well, why are we sitting in the front? So we get there sooner.
Keep up! Hi, iCarly.
I'm Raoul.
Can you believe it's my first day and I get to chauffeur a celebrity? First day? - My wife made sandwiches.
- Oh.
If you like egg salad with the freaking perfect amount of dill, you're in for a treat.
Raoul, I'm gonna need you to drive like you just realized you forgot your wife's sandwiches at home.
This is too real.
You can do this, Raoul.
I can't believe I'm really in a limo! Whee! You will arrive at your destination in 17 minutes.
In half a mile, turn right.
You know what, Raoul? Hang a left up here, it's a shortcut.
What? No, the GPS literally says New route detected.
You will arrive in 23 minutes.
Ooh, more time in the limo! - Spencer! - It's okay, it's okay.
- Hey, turn right.
- Turning right.
You will arrive in 31 minutes.
Raoul, just stop listening to Spencer.
- Take the freeway.
- No, Raoul, stop listening to Carly, she's always wrong.
A little bit about me.
Conflict really exacerbates my eczema.
Can one of you pass me my skin ointment? It's right next to the egg salad.
Look, can we please just take the freeway? It's faster.
The on-ramp is on the right.
No, take Ballard Bridge.
We can make up the time we lost.
Turn left.
Could you just listen to me for once? Left or right? - Left! - Right! Raoul, turn left right now! Why did we stop? What's happening? Ballard Bridge raised for ferry crossing.
You will arrive in 57 minutes.
Oh my God, the bridge is gonna split in half! Raoul, here's your ointment.
Spencer Shay.
Carly Shay.
We're here.
We made it.
- Yeah.
- Oh, the audition challenge started 20 minutes ago.
I'm so sorry, you've been disqualified.
You are no longer hot to trot.
After all I did to get here, it's over just like that? You were actually able to skip most of the audition process because you're famous.
I acknowledge my privilege.
I can't believe we got disqualified.
I hate to say it, Carly, but - Thank you for apologizing.
- it's all your fault.
My fault? You ignored the GPS.
Yeah, what does a GPS know that I don't? Everything.
It knows everything.
Was that a flick? Oh No, you don't.
No, you don't.
Guys, guys, guys! Oh! We are loving this sibling rivalry.
We want you back in the challenge.
And I want you in my bed.
Oh, whoa.
That was highly inappropriate.
But I meant it.
You know what, you can take him.
I can't deal with him anymore.
Oh, I know this is raw, I know this is painful.
I do need you to save it for the cameras.
We're out.
You're a content creator, right? Some contestants on our show get more than a million new followers.
Let's do a challenge, bro.
So, it's pretty simple.
Just slingshot a melon to knock over a target and you qualify for the race.
Is that target a mom with a baby? Yeah, the fire department uses these to practice rescues.
So, which one of you is flinging fruit? - I am! - Fine.
I'll save my melon skills for later.
Did I hit a target? No, you hit my coworker Benjamin.
Great job.
He's insufferable.
Von Biedermeyer.
Actually, I go by Von Gavelmeyer now, because I keep winning all these gavels.
I haven't heard anyone call you that.
Then I guess you haven't been talking to my mother.
Look, I know that it's tough to be nice, but it's really important because Oh, my Reese Witherspoon.
Harper, what are you doing here? We needed a new venue for drag night.
Why are you here? Model UN.
I told you all about it.
Oh, this is that boring children's political event? Harper, we cannot have drag night and Model UN.
Unless So, I guess Malaysia will compromise on garbage and everything else, until every last drop of joy has been sapped from the thing they used to love most.
Yay! Thank you, delegate from Malaysia.
It's not too often you see such a young spark flicker out so quickly.
Next, the chair recognizes the delegate from Four Christmases, Reese Witherspoon! God rest ye merry, gentlemen, let nothing you dismay ♪ Remember Christ our Savior was born on Christmas Day ♪ To save us all from Satan's power ♪ When we were gone astray ♪ Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy ♪ Oh, tidings of comfort and joy ♪ Joy ♪ I feel terrible that I made Millicent tone it down.
Baby, why would you ask her to tone it down when she was clearly born to turn it up? Millicent, that speech was deliciously asinine.
Glad Ms.
Cox passed along the message from my mother that you should tone it down.
- Dad? - Ahh, ahh, ahh ♪ Destroy Gavelmeyer.
Oh, Henry? Quick FYI.
I'm out on your resolution, and I'm introducing one to censure Norway instead.
You can't do that.
What are you gonna do, throw smoked salmon on me? Dump a bottle of Voss water on my head? Yeah, that's right.
My dad researched all of Norway's top exports, and they're pathetic, just like you.
Yes! Drag him, mama! Now, sashay, Norway.
Mommy! Yeah, there's no way she's getting that gavel.
I love my little tyrant so much.
Pretend the target is someone you hate.
I am.
Uh, did the medic go home? Just listen to me, I'm always right.
No, you're not.
And you won't listen to me.
When we play games, you never have.
I just wanted to win.
I didn't know it made you feel bad.
- Why didn't you say anything? - I don't know.
Probably because when we were kids you were like my hero.
And I still am.
I understand.
No, doofus.
I've been trying to talk to you all day.
I love you, but when we play games together now, I wanna be treated like an equal.
Guys, I'm sorry, they're setting up for a kids' soccer game, and we learned the hard way that you can't do that and melon catapulting at the same time.
You need to quit.
My sister's doing a great job, and we're not leaving until she hits that target, which she can do, and she's gonna do.
'Cause she is my equal.
You got this.
- Aah! - Spencer! Are you there? What is it? Tell my story.
But make it sound cooler.
It'd be hard to make it sound dumber.
So, I didn't make it on The Great Big Globetrot, and you didn't win the Golden Gavel.
But there's always next year.
Hopefully, there won't be a Von Biedermeyer next year.
We're gonna talk about what you just said later.
What are you doing? Ah.
I keep finding more melon.
I gotta use the restroom.
Uh Who is your stylist? Ooh! He hates these cans.

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