iCarly (2021) s02e09 Episode Script

iHit Something

1 Okay.
Carly, it means so much to me that you agreed to go to my hospital prom.
I'm honored.
I've never been to a prom at a hospital before.
But is it cool if I sneak away at some point and have a doctor look at my jacked-up elbows? Hey, guys, we should probably hit the road, but I'm having trouble finding the hospital on my GPS.
Yeah, it's not coming up on my phone, either.
I can't believe you fell for it.
Fell for what? You've been pranked by the Prank Prince! There's cameras everywhere.
Excuse me, Carly.
So, we're not going to Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital? That's the hospital from Grey's Anatomy! Durf.
So this is what you do? You manipulate nice people into doing nice things, and then you make fun of them? Yarp.
It's hilarious.
Oh, man, I'm glad you're not one of those girls that gets angry at stuff.
Ugh, those are the worst! Why would I be angry? Now I have a $700 hot pink satin dress I'm never gonna wear again.
Prank selfie.
Say "hilarious".
Pffft! Hilarious.
I cannot believe what that fool did to you.
Oh, the prom fake-out? Yeah, isn't it hilarious? No, it's infuriating.
Immediately after I watched it, I created a fake online profile so we could catfish him.
Meet Lakeisha.
She's a young ingenue hoping to strike it big on the burgeoning Seattle jazz scene.
Skoobidy, bup, bup, bitch.
Harper, calm down.
That prank got me a lot of followers.
And Chris and I are on each other's close friends maps now.
He's buying illegal fireworks in Vancouver as we speak.
Oh, my God.
So cool.
Girl, I don't care! You need to tell him to go to hell and block him.
I will not choose violence.
Then why does it look like you're murdering that pillow you're knitting? How many times do I have to tell you this is crocheting? I even crocheted you that scarf that says, "Crocheting and knitting are two different things!" Yeah, you don't seem angry at all.
Okay, you're right.
But I'm dealing with it.
Good! Because keeping it bottled up isn't healthy.
Actually, it is.
According to certified joy-ologist Sunny Johnson.
Joy-ologist? So an influencer who listened to one episode of a Goop meditation podcast, now she thinks she a doctor? Oh, she listened to all the episodes.
If anyone knows how to deal with anger, it's her.
And she's coming over to drink soft seltzer and give me advice she only gives people at Patreon level five.
We are so close to you joining another cult.
Who's feeling bubbly? Sunny! Sunny Johnson, PhD.
That stands for "pretty happy, dude".
Oh, I'm Harper Bettencourt, IDGAF.
And that stands for "I dance, gather and forage".
You guys are a hoot! So, Carly, are you ready to deal with your anger Sunny style? Yes! Oh.
So, what is Sunny style? When you feel angry, I always say, "Girl, hit something!" As in hit the gym and work it out.
Hit the grill and cook it out.
Hit the bar and drink until you feel invincible.
That sounds incredible.
That sounds like alcoholism.
Have you ever thought about I don't know, maybe talking to the person directly? You are such a hoot! You know, I think I get it.
We're influencers.
And our followers want authenticity, so we curate a positive version of that.
Oh, so you lie.
You are such a If you call me a hoot one more time She seems nice.
Ugh! I cannot believe this is happening to me.
I don't want to talk about it, so don't bother asking.
- I won't.
- What's going on? Finally.
Thank you! This is a confusing age.
I got partnered with Derek Fox-Lubiner for my English project.
Derek Fox-Lubiner? The coolest guy in school? - This is a disaster! - What? Why? Millicent's cool.
He's gonna make her do all the work while he's off playing freeze tag with the rest of the popular kids.
That was always my move.
Well, I'll call your teacher and see if I can get you a different partner.
Are you trying to destroy me? No! Real confusing age.
Hey, m'dudes.
Oh, whoa, M&M, new kicks? I like.
Oh, you like? Well, I like that you like.
Do all the kids at school call you M&M? No, just D-money.
And I'm the only one who calls him that.
Well, what are you guys working on, D-money? I'm gonna throw this one to M&M.
Why? You got a freeze tag game to get to? - What's freeze tag? - I don't know.
Something stupid Freddie keeps bringing up.
The project is called "Page to Plate".
We have to cook a meal based on the 1691 Irish tragedy, "A Christmas Pie for Emily".
Yeah, 'cause you know how in books there's pages and in food there's plates? - Oh.
- Yeah, I got that.
Yeah, me too.
And then we get to write a report.
Millicent is so good at reports.
OMG, stop it, I'm dead.
- I'll go find a table.
- 'Kay.
Well, now I see why you were so nervous to be paired with Derek.
You like him.
Oh, my little girl's becoming a little woman.
And here comes a little tear.
You're way too young to have a crush, so I forbid it, crush over.
Problem solved.
Hey, not-the-father, calm down.
Let's just let the wonder of Millicent's first crush unfold naturally.
We'll go with that.
Nice day of not dealing with the root cause of your feelings? Yes.
Thank you for asking.
We hit the mall, the bar, the gym.
Kind of wish we swapped the order.
I'm really sorry I threw up on you during Hot Bitch Yoga.
Oh, I saw your Instagram.
And it seems like it was definitely about addressing your feelings and not at all about making peace signs and sticking your tongue out as if the picture was taken by mistake.
I feel so refreshed and just free of anger.
Carly, you're rage-knitting again.
It's rage-crocheting! Oh, my God.
Sunny, what do I do? It's still in me.
Don't worry, Carly.
It's going to be okay.
There's still one more thing we can hit.
Each other.
Ladies, welcome to Influencer Fight Club.
I don't know how yet, but this feels racist.
Influencer Fight Club is basically "Girl, hit something" on steroids.
Which, by the way, do not mix well with the diarrhea tea that sponsors me.
Is this a squid game? No.
This is a safe place for us nice influencers to get our anger out in private.
And you're part of it now.
You think I'm nice? Let me guess, the first rule about Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.
That's just an incredibly obvious given.
The first rule is protect the face.
These babies are our moneymakers.
I gotta go.
The diarrhea tea's kicking in.
If you get in that ring, Carly, two words: throat punch.
Are you actually suggesting that I stay here and I fight someone? Oh, it's kind of like kickboxing, and I do that every week.
Plus, it might actually help you get out your anger.
Harper, nobody thinks I can fight.
The Army told me, "Nah, we're good".
Oh, look.
A Christmas pie recipe that takes less than five hours.
I wouldn't mind spending five hours with you.
- Derek.
- What? I was just saying your name.
I'm gonna go pee.
Derek Fox-Lubiner likes Millicent! I wonder if the restaurant in the Space Needle is available for a Christmas Eve wedding in 2042.
Whoa, lean back, Fat Joe.
Sure, it seems like Derek is reciprocating Millicent's feelings, but don't you think that's a little convenient? Kid's up to something.
This is not good, guys.
I'm trying to focus on my English project, but all I want to do is listen to Adele and think about D-money on a Jet Ski.
I'm gonna go make you some oolong tea.
It's perfect for when you're longing for someone.
I can't talk right now.
Okay, fine, Mom, you were right.
I just had to be nice, and now she does whatever I say.
Spencer! You were right about Derek! He uses jojoba oil to get that hair volume? No.
Do He's just being nice to Millicent to get her to do whatever he says.
I invited that boy into our family.
J'ai reçu ce garçon dans notre famille.
That means the same thing.
I'm just learning French.
We should split the work.
Maybe one of us does the report, and the other does the pie? You're so smart and talented.
I wish we had two of you.
Wish granted.
I'll do both.
Lame! Lame means cool now.
We have to tell her.
Let me do it so I can gloat about being right.
No, we can't break her heart.
What if we convince her not to like Derek? Sorry, I can officially sleep with my eyes open now.
Did you say something? If we sneak out of here, do you think they'll notice? Unfortunately, they will.
My presence in a room is unmissable.
But, look, let's just take a lap and get a lay of the land.
Carly! I'm Kelly.
I am such a fan.
I really hope I get to fight you.
It would just be an honor to wipe the floor with your ass.
The honor would be my ass's.
Don't worry.
Most people don't even need both their kidneys.
I'm Elena.
You're the girl who takes topless photos in front of national landmarks.
That's me.
Mammifest Chestiny.
And wait, you the girl who takes bottomless photos in front of war memorials.
Purple Heart, White Cheeks.
People online are always pitting us against each other.
They're trying to make us like the Nicki Minaj and Cardi B of tasteful patriotic nudity.
And luckily, when I want to throttle the neck of every commenter who criticizes us, I can come here and just, you know, smack somebody around.
And then I feel better.
Or you could just limit your comments.
Or even not read 'em.
Nah, we'd rather come here and fight it out.
Most people don't even need both their kidneys.
You already said that.
Well, obviously, it bears repeating.
Maybe we should leave.
The one in the far corner with the wide-set eyes has been mad-dogging my liver, and last time I checked, I need both the ones I got.
Where do you two think you're going? Oh, um If it's your first night at Fight Club, you have to fight.
Have to, as in must to? You've seen Influencer Fight Club.
To make sure you won't tell anyone about it, you must become one of us.
Wait, so you're blackmailing me? Uhm, it's African American-mailing.
And yes.
I told you this place was racist.
Hey! Okay, look, we gotta be brutal and honest, like an Estonian mother.
No, this is gonna work.
I can convince Millicent not to like Derek.
She is not gonna take your advice on romance.
You haven't had a girlfriend in years.
I literally have a girlfriend right now.
No, I don't think that's right.
How's the project going, Milli Vanill'? Great! I suggested we dress up like characters from the book, and Derek said, "Lame".
Lame means cool now.
So I gotta get a costume together.
It's gonna be like a date, but schoolwork.
So a fun date.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Check out this app I just downloaded.
It shows you with one hundred percent accuracy what you're going to look like when you get older.
I couldn't help myself and I uploaded Derek's picture.
- Woof.
Am I right? - Aw.
Does this mean you think we're gonna grow old together? Do me next! Well, that failed.
Time for the Estonian approach.
I'm gonna need an egg.
Preferably pheasant.
Duck will do.
No, let me let me break it to her.
Hey, Millicent I gotta tell you something.
I overheard Derek telling his mother that he was just being nice to you to get you to do whatever he says.
We thought you should know.
I thought you should know earlier.
I'm the hero here.
Why the heck would I want to know? You've ruined my life! Now I have to go scratch out our initials from a lot of trees.
You got this, Carly Shay.
And if you don't, you can catch up on TV in the hospital.
Come on, girl.
Hit something! But again, not the face.
I'm rooting for you, Carly! I got a hundred on Sunny, but I'm rooting for you! Okay, here we go.
Totally hitting you.
Definitely gonna hit you.
Am I doing it? Okay, let's make that $200 on Sunny.
What are you two laughing at? Can't you see I'm fighting for my life in here? Carly, this is, like, the funniest video you've ever been in.
So good.
I've never been to a prom at a hospital before.
Is it cool if I sneak away at some point and have a doctor look at my jacked-up elbows? That's the hospital from Grey's Anatomy! You've been pranked by the Prank Prince! I can't believe you fell for it! Pffft! Pffft! Pffft! Hilarious.
Oh! Oh, God! I am so sorry.
You will be hearing from my lawyer if there's any lasting damage to my face.
But I am proud of you, girl! Oh, man! I got you all so good.
Pe, pe, pe, peo! Chris? What are you doing here? I've just been following you around on the close friends map.
Oh, so you're just a stalker? Yeah, but, like, in a funny way.
And then I saw this whole fight club.
Once I post this video of all you influencers beating the hell out of each other, everyone's gonna know you're all fake.
But, like, not in a funny way.
Prank, prank! Pffft! People aren't just mad at me for punching Sunny.
All the influencers at Fight Club are losing brand deals.
Oh, man, Sunny lost her contract with Live Laugh Loofah.
The shower scrub that offers words of affirmation? It gets rid of dead skin cells and negative thoughts.
She gonna be dirty and sad.
This is all my fault.
Oh, that's one way to look at it.
What's another way? Oh, there's really just the one.
Well, it's Chris's fault, too.
He used a map for evil.
Like a pirate.
Yes, let it out.
He targeted me for being kind.
That's right, get mad! You know, I'm a nice person, but don't fudge with me! Mm-hmm.
Girl, hit something.
He's not even good at pranks! He's not! And you never unload the dishwasher.
I won't argue, 'cause you're making progress.
And Meyer lemons taste the same as regular lemons! They're sweeter, but go on, sis! Yes, give me those tiny punches.
And they picked Bran to be king? Bran? He was gone for a whole season! - I feel so much better.
- All right! You want to buy some Live Laugh Loofahs? No.
I want to rake my nails across Chris's eyeballs until blood spurts out of them and I can drink it.
I see you've reached catharsis.
Now you just need closure.
What I need is a straw so I can drink Chris's eyeball blood.
Okay, yeah, maybe I need some closure.
Millicent, why are you all dressed up if you're just gonna confront Derek? Have you ever heard of a revenge outfit? The zipper got stuck.
What's lame? Derek.
Does anyone else want to sit too? - I'll stand, thanks.
- You do you.
I will do me, but not because you told me to.
Did you say something to your mom on the phone about being nice so that "she does whatever you say"? - Yes, but I was - But, but, but, but, but! I should have known better than to fall for your tricks.
After all, I am human, while you have the emotional intelligence of an energy drink.
Millicent, I was talking about my puppy, Athena.
I've been having trouble with her, but our trainer said if we were nicer, she would do whatever I say.
Oh But you made me do all the work.
I didn't make you.
You offered.
Which makes sense, 'cause you're really good at doing projects.
And I'm really good at having cool haircuts.
I was just trying to make you happy.
Why would you want me to be happy? Because D-money loves her.
M&M, you're smart.
I think you know why.
Space Needle? I'd like to book a wedding.
Christmas Eve, 2042.
I'll be paying in crypto She hung up.
My lil' Milli Vanill' has a boyfriend.
Oh, wow, a boyfriend.
Um When you say the word like that, just out loud, you know, with your mouth Catch me, dude.
- I'm gonna faint.
- Oh, I got you.
Got there he is.
I'm ready for closure.
With my cathar-sisterhood.
I never should have taught you that word.
Shut up, he's here.
Hello? I'm here for the discount illegal fireworks.
Oh, Chris.
Chris, Chris, Chris.
I didn't know you were into fireworks.
Want to go grab come M-80s and piss off some dogs? There are no fireworks, Chris.
It didn't tip you off when Lakeisha the jazz singer invited you to the very warehouse Fight Club was held in? No.
All right, bye.
Kelly, get the door.
What, am I supposed to be scared? Okay, I'm scared.
You should be.
You hurt my feelings when you took advantage of my kindness, Chris.
You hurt 'em real bad.
I thought we were friends.
Friends, Chris.
Like the show.
What do I have to say to make this stop? Oh, you don't have to say a word, 'cause we're gonna say 'em all.
Oh, okay.
Is this a prank? Where are the cameras? Oh, no.
This isn't a prank.
This is just for us.
And it's gonna be healthy as hell.
You're up, Kelly.
Chris, because you exposed Influencer Fight Club, all of my sponsors dropped me.
I mean, I got new ones and I actually make more money now, but you made me do paperwork.
Hey, Chris! Influencer Fight Club was the only thing that brought me happiness and you took that away from me.
Whose ass am I supposed to kick now? I think Chris's ass.
Right in the moneymaker! Hope he still has that hospital gown.
- Smackdown selfie? - Oh, yeah! You pranked him with a fake fireworks sale? That's nothing.
Just let me have this.
Plus, your Pranks Anonymous sponsor said you shouldn't even be talking about pranks.
I'm not! I'm talking about other ways you could've gotten closure.
Like putting clear nail polish on his soap, or replacing every book in his apartment with Twilight, or sending him a photo of me licking all of his pens two weeks earlier.
Oh, God, I've got a taste and I need more.
I gotta prank! Hold me back! - It's not working! You're too small! - I know! - Get bigger! - I can't! Where's my pranking kit? Ooh! He hates these cans.

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