Ideal (2005) s01e01 Episode Script

The Rat

(PHONE RINGS) (MAN) Yeah? (MAN) Is that Moz? I'm Craig.
Me mate said you were a dealer.
- Said you'd sell us some hash.
- Did 'e? Well Now's not a good time.
Just woke up with yesterday's undercrackers on and I'm in themiddle of something.
Oh, right.
Macaroni cheese by the look of it.
- Me mate said it'd be all right - Sorry, Craigtry us later, yeah? Nicki? - Do you wanna 'ave a? - No.
You've got yesterday's undercrackers on.
- I'll take 'em off.
- Oh, Moz, leave us alone! Oh What's happened? - D'you fancy a brew? - Oh, yeah.
Right, you make a brew.
I'll make a bong.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) - Ah, well.
Time to clock on.
- Please leave it.
I can't, can I? I'm trying to run a business here.
- Oh! - (CAT MIAOWS) Thank God.
- There you go.
- Nice one.
Can I get a sixteenth for Gary? If you lay it on him, he'll drop money round Friday.
Lay it on 'im? I'll lay 'im out.
Rulo uno - no cash, no 'ash.
That's what I thought.
Rulo duo - I don't do 'teenths, do I? Course.
That's what I said to 'im.
I don't do euros neither.
If it ain't got Big Liz on it, I don't want to know.
Can you get any E's? Nah.
It's just 'ash and weed, innit? LSD? Nah.
- MDMA? - Stop chuckin' letters at me.
I'm not Carol Vorderman, am I? Ketamine? I LOVE ketamine.
No! - Whizz? - Jenny, all I can do you is blow.
What, you mean coke? - Oh, do us a gram, then.
- No, blow.
'Ash and weed.
That's it, that's all I sell.
That's all I do.
But you know this.
- We've talked about this before, 'aven't we? - Oh OK.
(BABY GURGLES) - I didn't know you had a baby.
- He's not mine.
- Right.
- I'm workin' as a childminder.
Got you.
Can you get any crack? - Hiya, Nicki.
- Hi, Jen.
What you up to? Just come to score.
I'nt we? Yeah, we 'ave.
Awwyou're a gorgeous little boy, aren't you? It's not a boy, it's a girl.
Oh, no, hang on, you're right.
This one is a boy.
Aww.
What's he called? I'm not good with names.
Oh, bless.
He'she's been a bit sick on your top.
Oh, no, that's from last night.
Gary were bladdered.
Breakfast.
Most important meal of the day.
Years ago we took freestyle raps We got two turntables and we started from scratch Now every time that we go do a spot They say, ''Yo, Ugly Duckling, man, you (SCRATCHING) rock So whether you're in shorts or a tux with a cummerbund - # Move it like soul brother number one - (NEEDLE SKIPS ON RECORD ) (TAPPING AT WINDOW) - Haven't seen you for yonks, man.
- Yeah, I'm on probation.
Trying to lie low for a spell.
But I'm cool, I'm cool.
- I'm on probation.
- Mm-hm.
- You gonna be long? - This i'nt a bleedin' trade fair.
You know, most folk that come here BUY some gear, and then THEY skin up.
So what happened to you? - I don't want to talk about it.
- Neither do I.
I had to give the bizzies some names to get probation.
People ain't too happy with me.
Yeah, Col, you're not exactly topping ME up with confidence here.
- Are you gonna finger me? - Oh, no, no, don't worry.
I'm keeping me nose clean.
I'm cool, I'm on probation.
All right.
Cheers.
D'you know how to scare folk? You tell 'em, ''I fear nowt.
'' Then glass yourself.
Not them.
Glass yourself.
Bwoar! Doof! Kamikaze-style.
- I don't want any mobster stuff in 'ere.
- You've nowt to worry about.
No, not me.
I'm clean.
I'm cool.
I'm on probation.
(MOBILE RINGTONE: ''1812 OVERTURE'') 'Ello? No, mate.
This ain't 'is phone any more.
Can I pay for me eighth with the phone? What d'you think this is? ''Multi-Coloured Swap Shop''? No cash, no 'ash.
- Go on, Moz.
'Cause I'm on probation.
- No cashno 'ash.
- (DROWNED OUT BY HAIR-DRIER) - What? Look at this robot.
Mm.
(DROWNED OUT BY HAIR-DRIER) - What? - I said, I'm making a brew.
Want one? Yeah, coffee.
Cheers.
(DROWNED OUT BY HAIR-DRIER) - Oh, what?! - I said, that hair-drier's well loud, innit?! Yeah.
(MOBILE RINGS) - (MAN) Morning.
- Listen, I can't talk properly 'cause I'm at home.
- We still on for tonight? - I'll find a way to get away.
I been lookin' at Polaroids of me and you.
- 'Ow did I look? - You, erhad your hands full.
- (CHUCKLES) - (MOZ BAWLS) Do you want a biscuit? I'm wet.
Mm, you knowit's just the Moz effect.
Moz, I'm sitting on noodles.
- It's OK.
I've finished with 'em.
- What are they doing on the sofa, you slob? - Soz! - I tidy this place every day! - Why? It always looks fine to me.
- When did YOU last hoover? - We haven't got a Hoover, have we? - What's that? - Does that work? - Yes.
Jesus, Moz! I've seen coma victims with more get-up-and-go.
You should give it a try.
Bit of exercise for you.
You can't pick your nose without getting out of breath.
- Oh, no! - What's up? A rat! A rat! Get rid of it.
- Cat'll 'ave it.
- It's bigger than the cat! - I'll get some cheese.
- Don't feed it! I meant for bait.
I'll wait for it to go back down the hole and I'll put some bleach down.
- That won't kill it! - No, but you've gotta make a stand.
We'll put cheese on a trap.
I'll buy one.
Do you wanna buy it? Keep your freak on.
- Shut up! - They're very clean animals.
Think of it as a hairy pigeon without wings.
(MOZ GROANS) I'm sorryabout the nosebleed.
But I'm not sorry I knocked you out.
You didn't knock me out, you knocked me over.
Just don't tell anyone.
- Tilt back.
- Ow! I'm at full tilt! You'll have to get somebody round.
Ring the council.
What good's the council gonna be? No.
They've got rat-catchers.
Put down poison and that.
- That's bad for business, innit? - Oh, and having rats is good for business? Aah! You're stretching me neck! - Look, I'll ring 'em this avvy.
- Now! Can I stop bleeding first? - I'm not doing them dishes.
- Well, I'm not doing 'em.
- Well, they'll have to stay gory, won't they? - (KNOCK AT DOOR) I'm not answering the door when I've been crying.
Look at me! Carrie (!) It'll be for you, anyway.
I'm 'avin' a nostril haemorrhage and I have to answer me own bleeding door.
I'm ringin' ''Esther''! - .
.
I said 'is chinos.
- Brian, now's not the best time.
- Hi, Moz.
This is Matt.
- Hiya.
- Aw, i'nt he scrummy? - I wouldn't know.
- Ooh, 'ey, is that shirt Karen Millen? - No, Versace after the shooting.
So what's the story in Balamory? You do too much coke? - Yeah, what can I say? I've got hungry nostrils.
- Have you got any left? Coke? No, mate.
It's all up there.
- Just the 'ash, then, cheers.
- You've come at a bad time.
- I'm having a bit of trouble withme bitch.
- I 'eard that! - Shit! - Hiya, Nicki.
- Hiya.
- Have a quick shag and pop back, shall we? - Yeah.
Don't rush on my account.
- Aw, i'nt he scrummy? Yeah, yeah.
None scrummier.
Remember, Bri, play safe.
Don't let your wife find out.
Come on.
I hate it when we argue.
It makes me wanna smash stuff up.
- You just don't care about me, do you? - Nicki, I really care about you.
Not enough to buy me flowers.
Or decorate the flat or get a proper job.
I'll get you some flowers.
- Women like a bit of romance in their life.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
I love romance, me.
Especially if it's leading somewhere.
- We never do anything together any more.
- We got mugged outside the precinct.
- Remember? - I'm not sleeping here tonight.
- I'm gonna crash at a mate's.
- Who? I dunno.
I'll let you know.
- Packing a lot of underwear, aren't you? - So? I like to have a choice.
- How long you going for? - I dunno.
But when I get back, those rats had better be dead.
- How long do rats live? - Don't play brainy-brainy with me.
Yeah, welldon't bother coming back if you're gonna do any more foxy boxing! You're already on a yellow card, so watch it! (BANGING ON DOOR) (SIGHS) All right, Moz? I'm not stopping.
Parked on double yellows.
Blimey, it's the Evil Dead! Like the red.
It goes with your eyes.
You get beaten up? - No.
Nicki did this.
- Did she? Bit of S&M, were it? Yeah, yeah.
S&M.
She's just beentrying it out.
Not gonna do it again, though.
Been there, done that.
Got the T-shirt.
- Is that part of the, er, S&? - M.
Yeah.
They call it asnoz plug.
Sexy.
'Ave you got any jurisdiction over rats? No.
As requested, 40 ounces of Moroccan - Nice one.
- .
.
andgot a bit of a surprise for you.
- A pound of black - Oh-ho-ho! .
.
and a weight of home-grown skunk an' all.
Oh, well good.
Where'd you get these? Busted this dealer.
Just moved in, two roads down.
Don't know if it's up to owt.
Another dealer, two streets away? I'm the main fella round here, everybody knows that.
Ooh, Jesus! Whiffier than a post office on pension day.
You not gonna stay round andcheck it out? Ah, go on, then.
Mmgood bit of lung food.
- Nicely monged? - Mm.
- Somebody's got their hydrocolonics sorted.
- Mm.
'Ey, I'll tell you what.
Bust 'im again.
Nah.
No point.
He's got nowt left.
You shoulda seen his face.
Clotted.
Nice one.
- I'm gonna get a curry.
Do you want owt? - Best not.
Back on duty in ten minutes.
(HEAVYFOOTSTEPS) Cartoon Head! All right, fella? How'd you get in? I've told you about that, ain't I? I don't want you practising round here.
You're looking well, anyway.
Snap! You know where the sink is.
All right, Cartoon Head? Long time no see.
How's it going? Keeping out of trouble? Looking well, anyway.
What you doing? What's it look like? I'm looking for something.
- I've got to get going, having a life an' all.
- Yeah, mingin' detective.
On yer way.
(CLEARS THROAT) Soz.
What you after? A quarter? Nice timing, man.
Just got some new stock in.
Kindly donated by a dealer two streets away.
D'you know owt about killin' rats? Ah, Mrs Slocombe! Where were you when we needed you? Yer arch-enemy's been while you've been licking yer arse in the sun.
- (MIAOWS) - Gonna start putting Red Bull in yer milk.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Hiyaare you Moz? - Yeah, I am, yeah.
- Oh, hi.
Well, I'm Asia and this is China.
We're mates of Amanda.
- With the weird eyes? - Oh, right.
Yeah.
- She said you might be able tosort us out? - Yeah.
Love to.
How bad are your munchies? No, the cat's paranoid.
I have to taste her food for 'er.
What 'appened to yer shirt? Fight club.
Just got back.
Come in, I'll tell you all about it.
Just got to get between yer legs.
- It's a great sofa.
Is it from IKEA? - No, it's from the skip.
- Yeah, butbefore that.
- Before that I had a couple of milk-bottle crates.
D'you want some lager top? Cheers.
(PHONE RINGS) 'Scuse me, ladies.
- Yes? - (MAN) It's Craig.
I phoned earlier, but it was a bad time.
Can you sell us some hash? Not now, Craig.
I'm, er I've got a couple of VIPs in situ.
- Try us later, yeah? - But me mate Right, sowhat can I do for you, ladies? - What have you got? - Well, er this is the roccy.
- This is the skunk, and thisthis - Can you do us a sixteenth? - Sixteenth? - In two halves? - Thirty-seconds? - Thirty seconds to what? - No, you want thirty-seconds.
- I suppose so.
I don't really know about these things.
- I'm just a girl.
- Don't worry.
I'll sort you out.
- Want a go on me Etch A Sketcher? - I like yer robot! Ta.
I've done better.
- I love toys.
- Me too.
They're well good, aren't they? - Got loads more here.
- Oh! - Like that? Jeff the Giraffe.
# Hundreds of toys - # All under one roof Duh-der-DER-derder Oh, yes! Been looking for this.
Fires masonry nails! It's well lethal.
- Action Man with all his arms and legs missing? - I call him Contemplation Man.
(CLEARS THROAT) You two ought to grow up.
Right, well, er there you go.
That'll be £7.
50, please, ladies.
- Throw in the cling film for free.
- Thing is we've only got a fiver.
But we can come back tomorrow with the rest.
- Can you? - We can come whenever you say.
Yeah? Ta.
We best get back.
So where is it then, thisfiver we've heard so much about? Can you see if it's in there? I don't wanna drop this.
No, it's It's not there, no.
Ohcan we owe you the £7.
50, then? Pleeease.
We'll definitely come back tomorrow, like we said.
No cash .
.
no problem.
Thanks! (FOOTBALL COMMENTARY ON TV) (SCUFFLING AND RATTLING) Aye aye.
Now, we both know there's no point in me trying to catch you, don't we? Before I'd be even halfway off my arse, you'd be gone.
I wouldn't stand a chance.
- Be like a slug trying to herd sheep.
- (SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC) So let's face it.
You and me are gonna have to learn .
.
to co-exist in peace .
.
and harmony.
(SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC SWELLS) - (MUSIC STOPS) - Ya little! - Hiya.
Me name's Paul, friend of Cartoon Head.
- Oh, right.
OK, come through.
Heard a lot about you.
- Nice smell in 'ere.
- Shake 'n' Vac.
Cartoon Head said you'd be cool about me calling round unannounced, like.
''Always be ready to increase your client base.
'' Summat I 'eard at Job Club.
Lucky for you, I've just ''inherited'' some black and some home-grown skunk.
- Did ya? What's it like? - Skunk? Well good.
Most fun you can 'ave with one brain cell.
Seeing as you're a mate of Cartoon Head's, I'll knock us up a wee sample.
Nice! Mmm.
Nice smoke.
What about the black? Is it by any chance sticky black? It's the stickiest.
- Shift much gear, then, do ya? - Oh, aye.
I'm the main man round here.
Wouldn't like to see anybody else muscling in.
Bit of a dealer meself, as it goes.
- Oh, aye? - Only live a couple of streets away.
Busted this dealer.
Just moved in, two roads down.
You shoulda seen his face.
Right.
I'll take everything you've got.
- Well, I've got to think of me other customers.
- I'll take everything you've got.
- You don't know how much I've got.
- Pound of sticky black and a weight of skunk? - Not sure.
- What's the Moroccan like? It's rubbish.
I'll take it.
Is that a screwdriver? It's a Phillips screwdriver.
They're the worst.
I fear nowt.
(GROWLS) I'll pack it up for you.
I am sorry about this.
I bought these drugs in good faith.
I didn't know there were owt illegal goin' on.
Us dealers, we've got to stick together, 'aven't we? - It's us against them.
- Nah, mate.
It's me against you.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Long time no see? You 'ope.
Got to do something.
Got to DO something! Bastard! Bastard! Bastar Ow! (PHONE RINGS) Shit! - Yes? - Hi.
It's Craig again.
Is now a good time to? Yes!