Ideal (2005) s02e03 Episode Script

The Hydroponics

You've been good to us.
We've seen a lot of great times together.
Shared a lot of memories, most of which I've forgotten.
But I've made me mind up.
It's time to grow up.
Time to move on.
Soz, mate.
Bliss! I never stopped loving you.
Cartoon Head, come to collect your trainers? Well, where the bloody hell have you been? You said you were gonna be here yesterday afternoon.
It's now this morning.
Do the math.
Give me two good reasons why I should give you them trainers back.
Okay, that is one very good reason.
You don't need a second.
They're not in here.
I've stored them there.
They're perfectly safe.
Who'd be stupid enough to nick 200 pairs of trainers? Except clever thieves.
Here, hang on a sec.
Hello, you're through to Moz's hotline.
For illegal substances, please press one.
To talk to sexy single blokes in leisurewear, please press two.
-Moz, It's me.
-Oh.
Hiya, Nicki.
You all right? Listen, I've booked the removals van for 10:30, Sunday morning, but there's a few bits and bobs I need to pick up today.
-Moz, are you listening to me? -Yeah, of course I am.
-JUDITH: Um, hello.
You want the trainers -What were you saying? I've booked the removal van JUDITH: What do you think you're doing? So, um -Moz? -Help, Moz, sorry! -Moz! -Listen, Nicks, I've gotta go.
JUDITH: (STAMMERING) I don't know I don't know who you are Don't fret.
These are ours.
Are these your friends? It's all right, Judith.
It's just a baggage handlers' day out.
Don't be worried.
It's just Cartoon Head and Psycho Paul.
But they're not nearly as frightening once you get to know them.
I don't really want to get to know them.
I want them to go.
We are going, doll.
Soon as we've got our trainers.
Don't forget, Morris.
K-Day is approaching.
-K-Day? -Kidnap Day.
So are you in or are you out? I've told you I'm out.
I'm out! And I won't be back in 15 minutes.
I am out.
We'll talk about this another time.
JUDITH: Sorry.
JUDITH: Goodbye.
CH! You're alright? Do you not like the Chuckle Brothers at all? Coffee? I was so scared when I saw that mask.
I thought he was gonna rob me, or rape me, or both.
Cartoon Head's not big on multi-tasking.
I thought I It's all right, Judith.
They've gone, love.
They've gone.
What is it with other people, eh? Sorry to interrupt.
You're not interrupting.
This is Judith, me neighbour.
- We were having a neighbourhood hug.
-Yeah, and I'm having a neighbourhood watch.
-Why'd you put the phone down on me earlier? -Something important came up.
- I can see.
- Sorry, who are you? I'm Nicki, love.
And until a few weeks ago, I was his girlfriend.
- You told me she was a cat burglar.
- What? - Oh, I'll leave you to it.
Sorry.
- See you later! I just came to pick up my passport and birth certificate.
I didn't mean to break up you and Pyjama Girl.
It was a hug.
That's all.
We were being mutually supportive.
If I'd have arrived 10 minutes later, you'd have been supporting her brains out.
-Do you think I'm stupid? -Do you think I'm stupid? Yes.
-Do you think I'm stupid? -Hey, I don't wanna get involved.
Is he stupid? Yes or no? -Yeah.
-See? She's got you right there, hasn't she? Used to be my place, that.
The van's coming 10:30 Sunday morning to pick up my furniture.
I'm just gonna grab a few bits.
And then you can get back to your group hug.
I was thinking 'cause you're gonna Cause you're die, do you still keep up with soaps, or Right.
I'm done.
Nicki.
We need to have a very, very serious talk.
Do you fancy going down to The Horses? Getting lathered? Um, no, still pregnant, thanks.
Doctor recommends that you don't ''get lathered'' when you're nearly nine months gone.
-Is that right? You learn something everyday.
- You re-learn something every day.
I'll see you at Derrick and Yoko's wedding.
I'm the best man, you know.
Yeah.
He asked me.
But apparently it's gotta be a man.
Still, he'll have to make do with you, eh? Blimey, it's Chav & Dave.
Alright, lads.
How's the band? What is it? Silicone Badgers? Valets.
Silicone Valets, but it's valets with a ''T''.
Like parking valets.
You know, the dudes that pack your car.
-You doing your metal detecting? - Yeah.
It's all kicking off, Moz.
Got us album coming out in two weeks.
It's called Stilt Porn Accident.
Stilt Porn Accident? Didn't they have that headline in Salford Gazette? Yeah.
That's where we got it from, the News In Brief column, I know a bloke what makes them stilt blueys, Sean Baldwin.
His company's called Sex On Sticks.
All his videos are on top shelf.
You ever watch one of them? Saw a bit of one once.
Weren't really my thing.
I don't really go for tall women.
Right.
Best be off, Moz.
We'd stay and have a smoke, but we've actually got a photo shoot to do, so -It's all work, work, work, innit? -I thought of some great poses to do.
What do you reckon? How'd you think of that? What about you, Lee, any poses planned? I don't pose.
I just stand there and look natural.
That's very you.
-It is me.
-I thought I recognised you.
MOZ: Wankers.
-All right, China? How's it hanging? -Not so bad.
I thought you'd still be here.
Just concluding our business.
Come here.
-You two together, then? -Yeah.
Nearly a week now.
-A week? China, you've changed.
-China's on the album cover.
-Stilt Porn Accident? Really? -Yeah, she's hardly got owt on.
God, yeah.
I can't imagine what me mum's gonna say.
Can't you? I can.
See ya.
Please tell us you haven't got any trainers in that bag.
-No, it's better than that.
-What is it, one big trainer? Let us in and I'll show you.
Hey, it's funny you mentioned trainers.
A couple of hundred pairs were nicked from a lock-up round the corner yesterday.
No? Imagine that.
White Widow.
I've got 11 more of these little ladies.
Busted a Scout leader in Eccles.
He had the most amazing hydroponics setup.
What, are they doing badges for weed now? I got all his lights and shit in the van.
You've got green fingers, haven't you? Nah, nicotine.
Eh, think of the business opportunities.
This way, you cut out the middleman.
Yeah, but are you the middleman? Yeah.
Yeah, I suppose I am, yeah.
Good insurance, I suppose, in case you get that desk job.
Hey, don't worry, Moz.
I'm fighting that promotion every step of the way.
We could stick them at loft.
Nicki won't like it.
But then again, Nicki ain't here.
-No chance of her coming back, then? -She'll be back soon enough.
Oh, yeah? I heard she was still seeing Sangita.
Not seeing her, staying with her.
Sangita's being supportive.
-They share a bed.
-So what? Two women can't share a bed without having sex? Not in my imagination, no.
I'll give you a hand with this little lot.
I'll take the afternoon off.
Nobody will notice.
-We'll have to clear out crap out of there first.
-Much up there? Well, put it this way, before we start, I think we should have a bong or two.
Maybe a car boot sale.
Hmm.
Looks a bit cramped.
Nah.
Get rid of all this crap, there's loads of room.
Anne Frank could take piano lessons here.
It's a bit creepy, innit? There's definitely a CSI Salford vibe going on here, don't you reckon? Don't be soft, it's only a few bags of junk.
Come on.
-Mind your head.
-Ow! I tell you, when you've stumbled across as many dead bodies as I have, you learn to chill out a bit.
Light switch.
There you go, you see? The area has been secured.
It takes more than a few boxes of junk to scare me.
Is he on me? I'm stuck in me kecks here, you wanker! -I'm gagging for a drink.
-Tea? -Got owt stronger? -Coffee.
-Stronger? -Bleach.
-Back a bit? - Lager.
Touch stronger.
I can put a shot of advocaat in it if you fancy it.
Cocktail umbrella? Croutons? Ah, go on then.
PC: Can't be right, you know, the way we got this.
Don't worry fella.
I know just the man for the job.
Makes a nice change, this.
Been weeding all day.
We weed and weed and weed.
You know what? I'm liking this idea.
Why bother with all this processed shit when you can get a free-range? Eh, Moz, I've got some gorgeous fertiliser.
I could bring it over if you fancy it.
And talking of fertiliser, Yasuko and me are trying for a baby.
Doing all those little tricks to maximise the chances.
-Oh, yeah? -After we have sex, I stand on my head.
That's romantic.
Hey, your Nicki is still shañked up with Sangita? She's not shacked up, she's staying with her for a bit.
She'll be back anytime.
What, now that she's tasted forbidden fruit? It's all perfectly innocent! There's no fruit involved.
-You're kidding yourself.
- Shut it, or you'll be tasting a forbidden knuckle sandwich in a minute.
What were that? Did you hear that? Bit jumpy aren't we, sir? It'll just be our Troy.
-No, our Troy's in hospital.
-Oh, is he okay? Yeah! He set fire to his head.
He was trying to smoke himself.
You know what he's like.
I tell you, there's been some really spooky shit going on in this flat lately.
- Ah, spooky shit.
- There were some really weird noises.
Stuff's been going missing from one place and turning up in another place.
What are you saying, it's haunted? Well, it's either that, or we've got some really discreet squatters.
Didn't you say something weird happened when you stayed in here? -Oh.
Weird, yes.
-Weird, how? -It's too weird to say.
-A ghost? Maybe.
It's too weird to say.
Well, say something.
Did it look like a person? -Person, yes.
-Really? -A weird person.
-Was it a man? It too weird to say.
Right, well, thanks for your help, Yoko.
It's good to know what I'm up against.
What's wrong with this place? Moz.
Craig? It's Steve.
-Are you all right, Moz? -Soz, I thought you were your dead brother.
Dead like your brother.
I mean, I thought you were your brother.
I wish I was me brother.
I mean, I wished I wish it.
I've lost track of what I was wishing for there, like.
You wish your brother turned up? Oi! You read me like a book.
-More like a pamphlet.
-You've got a brother, haven't you? Yeah, Troy.
Unfortunately, he did turn up, but we're hoping to have him fostered in time for Halloween.
You'll let us know if Craig turns up, won't you? It's nearly nine months he's been missing now.
It's not like him at all.
I've got you on me speed dial, in between the Curry Dome and Orifice Angels.
- I'll see you then.
- Don't become a stranger.
-STEVE: All right, mate? -All the better for seeing youleave.
- Hi-hi.
- Brian.
Sir? Moz, this is James.
Isn't he scrummy? He wants to buy some weed.
If that's all right with you? The pleasure to be all mine, Your Honour.
-So, James, what are you after? An eighth? -Is that how it comes? -It's one of the ways it comes.
-Best get a quarter.
Ok, a quarter it is.
Please.
- No problemo.
Brian? -I'll just smoke a bit of James's, ta.
Might I ask, where's your little boys' room? Oh, by the front door.
Thank you so much.
Prostate, is it? Brian, is he not a bit mature for you? -You're dead ageist, you, aren't you? -All I'm saying is, most of the lads you bring round here have braces on their teeth, not their socks.
- Still got milk teeth some of 'em.
- Don't exaggerate.
So what is it with James? You booked your Saga holiday yet? He's great.
He's He's got that certain something you can't buy.
-What, money? -Yeah.
He's loaded.
Well, as long as he don't pay me in threepenny bits, I'm not arsed.
Eh, it is a bit weird, mind, sleeping with an older bloke.
I mean, grey pubes.
His groin looks like a Womble's head.
Anyway, what about you? Are you getting on with Judith the obscure? Judith? Do you know her? I could tell you some stories about her that'd make your chin curl.
-Aye, go on, then.
-Another time.
-20 notes please, squire.
-Am-Ex? Sorry, the machine's broke.
Lovely to meet you, Moz.
Ah, isn't he scrummy? See you, Brian.
Mind him on the stairs.
We haven't got a Stannah.
Come on.
Let's see if Orinoco can go overground and underground.
(SIGHING) So close.
Judith! All right? Can I be supportive in any way? Moz, we need to have a very serious talk.
Sorry.
Right, should we go down The Horses and get lathered? Moz, why did you lie to me? Because I like you.
You told me your pregnant ex-girlfriend is a cat burglar.
Yeah.
Look, Nicki walked out on me.
Right? I've asked her to move back, and she's not wearing it.
-So what's happening then? -Nicki's living with her mate, Sangita.
Not as a couple.
They're not lezzatarians.
So what happens when the baby's born? Nicki shouts a lot and takes every painkiller going.
-And after? -I dunno.
She won't talk about it.
I've tried being a new man, but what can you do? -You poor thing.
-You're right, I am.
I'm a poor thing.
I feel empty inside.
Nicki used to do all the cooking.
Look, I was just about to open a bottle of wine.
Why don't you come up and help me toast the new room? New room? -So, um, is White Widow very strong, then? - Yeah.
It's don't-make-any-plans strong.
Its strip a man down to his skeleton in 30 seconds strong.
If Lebanese hash was mild cheddar, this is Stilton, that's gone off.
And it gets you very, very stoned.
It's very smoky smoke, isn't it? I really like you, you know.
Before I met you, I'd only ever gone for really superficial stuff like sexy body, great looks, but you've got something different.
As well as looks and a body, and all the superficial things I do still really like.
Um This is awkward, Moz.
It won't work.
It will work.
It will.
I'll get it working.
Sorry.
Can we just be friends? Friends.
Friends.
The one where they don't shag.
Friends.
Sorry.
Um, sorry.
Too much Stilton? It happens.
It feels like I've been lying on something hard.
Probably a knot in the wood.
Oh, look at the time.
I'd better go.
Sorry.
-I'll see you tomorrow, then, yeah? -Definitely.
Um, I mean, probably.
Yes.
Sorry.
-Sweet dreams.
-Um, and you.
Goodnight, Moz.
Goodnight, Judith.
It's just gonna take a little bit more of the old Moz magic.
Let's face it, I've peaked.
All right, Moz? I've not turned up here, have I? Craig? I've been missing for months now.
That's not like me at all, that.
Troy? Judith? Nicki? What are you doing? Just working on me new tune.
Been sampling it with the pipes.
Listen.
Fucking yes! I've got enough of that in real life.
I don't need it in me airing cupboard.
It's just a pipe.
It's noisy, and it's weird, but it's just a pipe.
It's nowt to get freaked out about, fella.
Stay cool.
It can't hurt you.