Ideal (2005) s02e06 Episode Script

The Guest

These ladies love the light.
Love it! Don't you, eh? - Yeah, of course you do.
- All right there, Prince Charles.
Calm down.
Tell you what, there's a lovely stink in here.
Nice of you to say so.
Do you know, Moz, I could happily spend the rest of my day up here tending these.
It is your wedding day, mind.
You are meant to be at the registry office in 20 minutes.
I suppose I better get changed.
Won't do any harm.
You all right, girls? Are you thirsty? Are you having a drink? Is your Troy still coming down? Nah.
He's electrocuted himself.
He's back at burns unit.
Gonna name a ward after him.
Now, taxi is due here any minute, you've got the directions to the church, we've both got cigarettes and lighters, and I've got the, um The -What? -The ring! I've got the ring! No, I've got the ring.
Now you've got the ring.
Here, do you mind handling these out to the guests? Have I got to? Am I not gonna be a bit busy being your best man? Did you grow these in your allotment? Nah.
The bloke on the one next to me grew them for us to make up for turning me down to be the best man.
Oh, did he? Shit, taxi's here.
I mean, great, taxi's here! Hey, matey, chill out.
You know, whenever I get stressed, I just think about the vegetables and how they let themselves grow.
Organically if necessary.
So, you know, I just think, ''What would a vegetable do in this situation?'' And what would a vegetable do in this situation? Lie back and enjoy the fertiliser.
Derrick, that is meaningless.
I can't believe you've managed to bag a lovely lass like Yoko.
I mean, you spend all day working with manure, all your clothes stink of manure and you talk manure.
Might put that in me speech, actually.
Ah, Judith.
If only you didn't have sex with corpses, you'd be me ideal woman.
Colin! I thought you were supposed to be at Derrick and Yoko's do.
Yeah, just come to score some weed first.
I'm on probation.
Yeah, I sensed that.
That's why I come back.
Everyone down at reception going on at us the whole time.
''You got any gear?'' ''Can you do us an eighth?'' ''I'll French kiss you for a sixteenth.
'' -Really? -Yeah.
Well, you know what Brian's like.
So I thought I'd come back, get some stock, make a killing.
Eh! I could be like your sidekick, you know, in case anyone makes any fuss.
''All right, you knob! Don't make me kung-fu your head off!'' Col, I'm selling them weed, not stealing their dinner money.
I don't care who that is, I'm going straight back down that do.
Cartoon Head.
Who's your friend? Right, Steve's took the car off.
Let's get her inside.
Oh, no.
No, you haven't.
-Please tell me you haven't! -Yeah.
We've kidnapped him.
Oh wow! Kidnapping is pretty cool, innit? What? Innit? No? I thought it was.
-Take him away.
I don't want him here.
-Shall I phone Stemroach? So you can tell him personally that you're backing out of your agreement? -No.
He can stay.
-Wise move, Morris.
Bloody hell! -It's me bleeding landlord! -He's a lot of people's landlord.
-Worth a fair few million, is that lad.
-You can't keep him here.
It's Mr.
Rupani! You can't hold a man hostage in his own property.
It's immoral! Is someone gonna tell me what the fuck is going on? Who is she? What have you brought her for? We didn't mean to.
It is escort girl.
They were handcuffed.
I couldn't find a key, but we had to get out of there.
Well, your foolproof plan's off to a roaring start, innit? It'll be all right.
Me and Cartoon Head are in control.
In control? It's a bloody mess, Paul! What about Colin? He knows what we're doing now.
He's He's seen too much.
I haven't.
I haven't seen too much.
I've seen nowt.
You know me, mate, on probation.
Rupani is gonna guess where he is.
- Come on Paul, let's rethink this.
- Oi! Psycho Paul doesn't rethink.
I parked the car.
I've got the bolt cutters, just like you said.
Has anything happened? Have I missed anything? Well, I've got a millionaire landlord handcuffed to a Spanish call girl in me vestibule.
-Apart from that, nowt to report.
-Hey, he might be able to identify -(IN DEEP VOICE) our voices.
-No, he's got '80s Mega Hits playing on the iPod.
It's a bit bust, mind.
It's stuck on Total Eclipse of the Heart.
You're coming with me.
There you go, mate.
Seat silent.
-What's happening with her? -STEVE: She's dead fit, isn't she? Hey, maybe we could have a bit of a laugh with her.
A laugh? She's an angry Spanish girl.
That's nobody's idea of fun time.
-I've never met a Spaniardess before.
-Oi! Deirdre Barlow! Zip it! -I don't need to hide.
I've not done owt.
-You're on probation.
Get in.
-Oh! -All right, matey.
Derrick, isn't the groom supposed to be at the reception? I've just come too pick up our stuff for the honeymoon, and I brought you some stuffed squid.
I hate squid.
I don't eat anything that's got more legs than 2,5 chicken.
-You gotta get this in the fridge.
-Derrick! Derrick! Stay there, I'll do it.
Well, I'll just get me holdall.
I didn't realise you'd pulled at the reception.
Fast mover, eh? Ah yeah, you know.
Early one catches the birds.
Gonna get up to some funny stuff, eh? A bit of light bondage.
You know, nothing too heavy.
You go for it, matey.
I sometimes attach clothes pegs to me scrotal sac.
-This is an unexpected pressure.
Not selling pegs, are you? You're gonna let us in or what? Why's everyone coming here? They want some hash.
Yasuko wants Derrick.
And I want to sit down.
You're supposed to be the best man.
Show some responsibility.
-Hello, Moz.
You okay? -Yeah.
Congratulations, Mrs Derrick.
Moz, Jim.
Jim, Moz.
-All right? -Hi.
Nice to meet you.
In't he scrummy? -DERRICK: Hello, wife.
-Hello, anata.
Now, that is true love.
- Right.
I'm gonna put my feet up.
- Oh no, I've just tidied.
Hang on I see making the bed's still beyond you.
Just get my ciggies, will you? What happened to you? I thought you were picking us up some hash.
Been busy.
I'm the best man, I've been doing all best things.
Thirty notes, ta.
Oh, could you get this? I've come out without me purse.
-And me.
-Um, yeah.
-You and China together, then? -Mmm.
Just taking things as they come.
Yeah, well, they'll come and they'll go.
-Hey, Morris, fancy a toot? -At a time like this? Aye, go on.
You said a line.
It's more like the equator.
I've called his missus.
So in twc hours time, we're gonna swap Rupani for a shed load of cash.
Nice for you.
Hi, Judith.
Weren't you going to invite me to your party, then? It's not a party.
It's got a party feel.
What with the drinking and the dancing, celebrating.
It weren't planned.
People just kept arriving.
Come in.
Actually, I wish everybody'd leave.
- Sorry, um, should I leave or come in? - Stay, stay.
If I'm flapping like flares in a hurricane it's because someone has just given us a big line of Charlie.
Um So you won't be peckish for my biscuits, then? Yeah.
I ate them hours ago.
What? You ate all of them? -You did read my note.
-What note? I put magic mushrooms in them.
Quite a big lot.
Well Well, that's okay.
It's been a while, but I should be able to handle it.
Maybe 100.
-So basically I've just eaten a field full of fungus.
You'll probably be fine.
Course I will.
I mean, what have I got to worry about? Is there anyone there? Can you please remove these earphones? I cannot cope with Total Eclipse of the Heart any more.
Jesus, it's Terry Waite FM.
It's starting again! Please! Hey Moz, you got summat to eat? I'm on probation.
Ask Psychedelia Smith here.
You all right there, C.
? All right there, Col? I couldn't bum a fag off you, could I? Ah, go on then.
Just take one, mind.
On probation.
You're Brian? Looking well.
You all right, Moz? Hello, Moz.
Are you all right, Moz? You look a bit Squid make me happy.
All right? Who are you, then? Um, me? Why? Who are you? I'm Steve.
I'm a criminal.
Um, I'm Judith.
- I'm, um, not.
- Nice one.
Do you wanna go out with me? Why? Where are you going? -Troy FM! -Hello? Hello? This week's competition question.
Where am I? Can someone please tell me where I am? Please! Come on, it'll be fine.
I can't just dump her without telling her.
-It's rude.
-She's gonna dump you, anyway, -'cause I heard her saying.
-Honest? It's a dog-dump-dog world.
Come on.
-See you, Moz.
-See you, Moz.
Moz, are you okay? Well? Do you want to sleep with me, Moz? - I like your bruise.
It's very De Niro.
- Is it? Okay.
-This is Jim.
-Hi, mate.
You all right? Isn't he scrummy? He's on probation.
-What? -Yeah.
I'm on probation.
-I'm on probation! -No way! Yeah.
Third time.
Third time? Same as.
-No way.
- Cool.
- Yeah, cool.
Yeah, cool.
Straight from the fridge.
So, who fancies a probation sandwich? I'm not bumming you.
We'll find someone drunker.
-Nicki, I've been wanting to see you for ages.
-Tada! Look, if you're in possession of my baby, I at least want a say in what happens to it.
What makes you so sure it's yours? What'd you do, tag your sperm? It's either mine or Moz's.
Is that right? Well, it might interest you to know that there's another possibility.
I see.
Blimey, it's a right lottery.
Still, you gotta be in it to win it.
Well, you might have been in it, but you're not going in it again.
I don't know who got me pregnant, but this baby's future is up to me.
Hi, Moz.
Been standing there long? Moz, what did you hear? You're alright, love? Sorry, love, I only speak English and advanced Japanese.
-Where is this place? -It's Moz's flat.
You came here from the reception, do you not remember? No.
I don't remember nothing.
Hey, I like your bracelet.
-Do I know you? -Uh, yeah, I'm your boyfriend.
Listen, Moz, this is deadly serious.
Why have you gone all Edwardian on my ass? Moz, -are you tripping? -Yeah.
Fella, I'm mashed.
I didn't know what I were doing when I were doing it, otherwise I wouldn't have done it.
Look, you need to straighten up.
-This is really important.
-We're off, Morris.
The pleasure's been all Pleasure.
All right, lads.
Who's this, then? Just a mate.
It's his stag do.
We're having a bit of a laugh with him.
-Do you want one of me handcuffs? -Nah, we're sorted, ta.
Gotta go pick up some cash.
Hang on a sec.
-What? -Cashpoint.
End of the street.
It's out of order.
The next nearest one's All-night garage.
See you, then.
Now, listen.
This is important.
So, that's what I think we should do.
What's what we should do? What I just said.
-When? -Just then.
What did you say? Are you not listening? I was trying to listen.
I just I think I might have been dancing.
Pull yourself together or you are going to cop it.
You are a cop it.
Now, listen.
This is important.
Hang on, give us a sec.
I'll just engage me core.
Right, okay.
I'm good.
I'm good.
We've got to clear out the hydroponics.
Get rid of every last bit of hash and weed.
Why? You're gonna be busted.
Day after tomorrow, 6:00 in the morning.
They're gonna take you up the unawares.
They're gonna seize everything.
-The police, is it? -Yes, the police.
They stumbled across it by accident when they were tailing Cartoon Head.
They reckon he was invovled in something dodgy.
Cartoon Head.
I know.
I told'em.
I keep an eye on C.
I've seen nowt suspicious.
They installed cameras.
-What, they've been filming us? -It's okay, it's okay.
The camera's never worked.
- Problem is, one of the lads saw in loft.
Shit! But if we clear away any evidence, there's nowt they can do.
So I'll be round tomorrow, help you clear everything out.
Okay, fella? Yeah.
Thanks, fella.
-You cool, then? -Yeah.
I'm pretty cool.
-You've gone again, haven't you? -Oh, bloody hell.