Ideal (2005) s03e02 Episode Script

The Christians

I'm thinking of asking China to marry us.
STEMROACH: I'm gonna turn China into a porn star.
Is Cardiff not a bit drastic? I just need a bit of head space.
Fancy giving us a quick blowie while Nicki's out? And I'm not her boyfriend.
I'm her manager.
Since I met you, I've lost all interest in corpses.
NICKI: You missing me and the baby, then? Yeah.
Yeah? You sound very desolate.
What you up to? I'm gonna do something I couldn't do the whole time my leg were in plaster.
Don't tell me you're going to do the washing up.
I'm running myself a lovely, big, warm bath.
You ought to see it, Nick.
I'm having the full girly bathing experience.
I've added a few drops of essential oils, sandalwood, sunflower.
Set myself up with a relaxing music CD.
And I'm just about to light a scented candle from under the kitchen sink.
Moz, those are sulphur candles for when we have roaches.
Moz, are you all right? Yeah.
Just smells like an explosion in a cabbage farm.
Oh.
This joss stick should do the trick.
I didn't know we had any joss sticks.
Shit.
It's a sparkler.
Well, don't waste it.
Write your name.
Right.
Let's have some "me" time.
I'm so sorry to come here, Moz.
We didn't know where else to go.
Shit.
Shit.
Do you smoke? Of course you do.
Take one.
- No, ta.
Look, I was just - Take one.
Smoke.
Colin will be here in a minute.
What pray fuck is going on? - Colin.
- Oh, Carmel.
Oh, Carmel.
- Colin.
- Carmel.
- Colin.
- Carmel.
- Moz.
- Colin and I are in love again.
Well, that would explain why you both look so frightened.
Oh, yeah, no, there is a slight problem, yeah.
It's just that Enrique is chasing us, and he's trying to kill me.
He's not coming here, is he? Hey, we're not insured against acts of pimp.
No, no, it's fine.
'Cause I doubled back and doubled forward again.
There's no way he's gonna find us now.
Carmel.
Carmel.
Everybody, back slowly away from the door.
No.
We have to let him in and face him.
BoTH: No, we don't.
Welcome to my humble casa.
Fuck you.
You don't own me.
So just go! Just 'cause you're speaking Spanish, mate, don't mean I can't tell you're talking shit.
Hey.
Leave him alone.
- Pick on someone your own size.
- Okay.
Okay.
Fine.
Fine.
I'm on probation.
No.
Ugh! Evening, all.
So who's this then? He tried to steal me girlfriend, then he tried to murder me.
He tried to steal your girlfriend? We're not having that.
- He is a right bastard, isn't he? - Yeah.
Hey, you can punch him if you wanna.
That's very kindhearted of you, but it's not my style.
But while he's unconscious, why not perm his hair? I can always arrest him if you fancy.
Nah.
We'd rather take the law into our own hands.
Cheers.
Go for it, fella.
When you're done with the cuffs, just drop them around with Moz.
Thank you.
Young love, eh? Hope it lasts for 'em.
Yeah, well, don't hold your breath.
I mean, look at you.
You ask me, you're better off without China.
'Cause while she is running round, sleeping with Stemroach, and making porno movies, well It's just going to make you sad, innit? You are over her? Oh, I'm done grieving.
Good.
That sounds positive.
I'm going to arrest Stemroach, send him down for 20 years.
You can't arrest Stemroach.
He's on the Most Wanted list.
Exactly.
Stemroach is one of the biggest gangsters in all of Manchester.
I don't care how well connected he is, I am going to have him.
I've been sitting outside his place, watching him come and go, taking pictures of him, rootling through his dustbins.
What has happened to you? The way you describe it, it sounds Well, it sounds like actual police work.
Come the hour, come the constable.
- I'm gonna need your help and all.
- Me? Oh, no.
I'm no good at helping.
I'm much better at hindering.
Besides, who knows, in a week's time, China may already have dumped him, and be on the second boyfriend down the line.
You haven't got a good word to say about China, have you? She is really giving, open Accommodating.
I get I'll get on top of me crying in a minute I'll tell you what all All the fuss is about No rush.
It's Felix.
He's never around me with the baby.
Yeah, well, it's not easy being a dad.
Especially when you're not fussed.
Yeah.
He's always mucking about with his mates, and lying on the sofa playing on his Xbox.
You wouldn't know he were a teenager, would you? And now He's left us for Daniela Mason.
Daniela Mason? She that monkeyish one from Girls Aloud? No.
She's in Felix's sixth form.
She wears Reebok.
She's got a lazy eye.
Classic scarlet woman, eh? Yeah.
He's just waltzed off.
Left us to look after baby all on me own.
Well, where's baby now, then? Oh, me mum has her on Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and on weekends.
Every little bit helps, eh? Yeah.
Yeah, well Felix might be a bit of a tearaway, but at least you and your mum are responsible adults, eh? Yeah.
Can you do us a quarter of skunk weed? And me mum says, have you got any more of that sticky black? Oh.
In Heat magazine, the horoscope for Sagittarius said, "Romantic problems will soon be resolved "if you can get a clear perspective on things".
Well, that quarter of skunk weed can only help.
I wish I was Sagittarius instead of bloody Gemini.
Frog.
Surely, Gemini is twins.
Two frogs? That's even worse.
Hi, hi.
It's Britain's biggest Barbie.
- Hello.
Evening, Moz.
- Evening, scrummy.
He's nice.
Last couple you've had have been right mingers.
See ya.
So, gentlemen, how may I be of assistance? One eighth of whatever's porkiest, ta.
- And may I use your bathroom? - You may.
But, be warned.
For an ancient curse means that anyone who tries to take a bath will be doomed to spend all eternity wandering this hallway.
Thanks for that, Captain Pugwash.
What? I do a good pirate, me.
- Ta.
- So.
Got your mitts on Doctor Thrilldare, then.
Got to hand it to you, I didn't even reckon he were gay.
Well, most men are potentially gay.
All it takes is a certain amount of charm from me, a certain amount of alcohol in them, and we're off.
God, Moz.
I am smitten with this kitten.
I tell ya, this is the one.
- This week's one, you mean? - No.
Time's running out for me, Moz.
I'll be 40 come September.
That's a hundred in queer years.
I'm gonna propose to him.
I've already seen a ring I fancy.
Yeah, then next week, you'll fancy somebody else's ring.
Oh, I see.
It's all right for you and Nicki to get wed, but two men shouldn't be allowed to tie the knot.
Oh.
I don't care who gets knotted.
Fill your boots, fella.
Just hope your love don't evaporate Like a warm bath.
- You all right, love? - Yeah.
So how's your leg feeling? Still can't really put any weight on it.
Me strict yogacise regime's gone right out the window.
- Do you want me to take a look? - Don't worry about that now.
You're off duty.
Relax.
- Make a fuss of me.
- Hmm.
Oh.
Oh, sorry, I Sorry.
Oh, hi, hi.
Visiting Mr Pink? Moz, oh, yes.
Um, sorry.
How're you? Me? I'm superb, ta.
This is Luke, we are a couple.
- Hello.
- Oh.
Hello.
Say hello with your mouth, not your hand.
- See ya.
- Bye.
Sorry.
Hello? Oh.
Oh Sorry.
Hello.
Judith.
Great to see you.
Oh.
Great to see you too, Moz.
Hi.
Is your heating broken? - Eh? - Um No, no.
Having a bath.
Oh.
You can share it with me, if you fancy.
Oh.
Um oh.
Well, what would Nicki say? She'd say, "Yeah.
" Hop right in with you.
Oh Is that what you were gonna say? Um You know how I feel about you.
You like me enough to make a massive clay head of me in your room.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Um But I don't really know how you feel.
You proposed to Nicki, and then I find you naked in my bed.
I need to know who it is you really want.
Right now? You.
Um So, you gonna call off the wedding, then? It's a very delicate situation.
You see, if I called it off, poor Nicki will be very, very upset.
See, I think it'll be much more caring for me if I behave so insensitively that Nicki has to call it off herself.
Oh, I see.
Well, that's something.
So? Tub time? Okay.
I'll get it.
Hi, Moz.
Not too late for a visit, is it? No, not at all.
No, I was going.
Gotta get back to my clay.
Did I interrupt something? No, no.
I'm more than happy to shift up a gear.
Love the dressing gown.
I take it Nicki's out? She's away in Cardiff.
Completely out of the way.
So, how is the busy life of a beautiful eBay entrepreneur? Pretty good as it goes.
Just made 20 quid on a salt and pepper set shaped like Ant and Dec.
Shocking what goes on in cyberspace, innit? Such a backlog of stuff to sell.
My box room is overflowing.
Ta, I owe you one.
- Everything all right? - Yeah.
Have you seen The Poseidon Adventure? - What's that? - It's a present for you.
"Hebden Bridge under-60s tournament runner-up".
What can I say? Sorry I haven't got matching glasses.
Things keep disappearing.
I reckon builders have been nicking stuff.
Probably right.
You got to be careful who you let in.
You want to take care of that.
That could be stolen.
I'll pour, you choose.
I think that one's more ladylike.
Not that I am.
As you well know.
Mmm.
£2.
49 well spent.
Cheers.
Cheers to, uh - Seeing more of each other again.
- Hmm.
Is this what you do, then, when Nicki's away? Lounge around in a kimono entertaining a string of women.
I'm young, free, single, and insolvent.
Single? I was told you two were getting married.
But that's in the future.
Three days away, I heard.
Still the future.
I was, uh Just about to slip into a warm bath of oils, unguents and bubbles.
And here's me taking up your time, your red wine and me new top.
You're welcome to share me bath.
And what would Nicki do if she found out? Punch me until I were brain damaged, then put me in a loony bin.
And you think I'm worth it? Insanity is its own reward.
Shall we submerge? Damn.
- Ignore it.
- Can't.
I'm on duty.
Hiya.
Yeah.
No worries.
Yeah.
Okay.
Bye.
Sorry, I got to go.
Surely it can't be that urgent.
It's an emergency.
Exactly.
We won't be going anywhere.
Sorry, Moz.
Maybe next time.
Half-eight and already two shags down.
Sod it.
Let's have another crack at Judith.
Great.
Last of the Summer Wine.
Is it dress-down Friday? Keep it snappy if you don't mind, lads.
Just about to hop into the bath.
Stemroach wants you to store our stock for us.
Store your stock? - What? - The DvDs.
The porno.
Stemroach is a millionaire gangster.
Surely warehouse space is tax deductible.
Aye, but he likes to keep the warehouse free for torturing folk in.
Besides, Stemroach thinks all his places are being watched.
I said to say nowt about that.
I hate dead legs! Yeah? Be careful it don't split.
Stemroach being watched? Doubt it.
I think he's just being paranoid.
I'll tell him you said so.
No, don't.
Why bother him, eh? I need a slash.
Listen, Paul, just how many DvDs are we talking about? Only about a thousand.
Jesus.
Obviously, I've got a porn stash at the house, but I don't like the idea of it getting into quadruple figures.
I'm really not happy, Paul.
I'm not happy at all.
Sounds like depression to me.
We'll drop 'em off on Friday.
So make sure you're in.
I'll bung it in me BlackBerry.
Wait up, I still need a slash.
Aye.
And you'll get one in a minute.
Now, you sure it's not too late? Oh, he won't mind.
I mean, it's us.
Moz: Go away.
It's Lee.
Who? Lee.
Lee and Jason.
Who? Lee, out of Silicone valets.
And Jason out of Silicone valets.
Who? Come on, Moz.
You know who we are.
Open up.
Please.
It's late.
It's 10:45, granddad.
Yeah.
And we have got money to burn.
So You know, our new single came out on Monday, Moz? We only crashed right into the top 50, didn't we? Really? Number 50? No, 48, actually.
Shot down in flames.
This is it, Moz.
We're gonna be everywhere.
Don't you mean, all over the place? I'm surprised you have not put a load of coke up your nose.
Don't need coke, me.
- Just happy.
- So happy.
It's made a lot of white stuff dribble out your nostrils.
- Is it? - Eh.
- You said you ain't got any left.
- I haven't.
I haven't.
Do you mind? Me walking stick's feeling a bit tired.
Oh, not at all.
- Go on.
- What? All right, mate.
See, I'm Derrick.
Is Moz in? Yeah.
Come in.
This is Yasuko.
- Jason.
- Happy to meet you.
Hello, you two.
I thought we lost 'em.
Jason, this is Kim and Miko.
All right, girls.
All right, Moz.
Thought you might like a bit of company.
- Oh, did ya? - Today, you are wearing women's clothes.
This is Kim and Miko.
Yasuko's friends just arrived from osaka.
Greetings, ladies.
Welcome to Manchester.
Where it rains so much they twin-towned it with Atlantis.
Kim and Miko want to see all exciting places in Manchester.
But before we go off to the allotment, we thought we'd come here to score.
Smart move.
Make a tour guide of you yet.
Please be seated, ladies.
Right, uh Allow me to introduce you to another bloke in the room.
Me and Lee have got a band.
Called Silicone valets.
But it's valleys with a "T".
Like parking valets.
You know the guys that park your car for you? I haven't got a car.
I've got a van.
Before I come from Japan, I sing in band with Kim and Miko.
You three? A band? - Right.
- Yeah.
Cool.
Band called Permanent Smile.
Permanent Smile? What sort of name is that? Every band can't have a name that requires a spelling lesson.
We can show you band.
Ah, yes.
This DvD is last single we did.
You gotta give this a watch, Moz.
It's blinding.
Go on, then.
Sure it'll be good.
What is Plain Women in Wet Flares? Nowt.
An exercise video.
One, two, three, four.
It's very I'm gonna piss.
Oh.
Sorry, chief.
I'm just picking some tools up.
You been sick? No.
I'm just Just celebrating with a couple of lines.
Help yourself, though.
You look like you could do with one.
Are you shooting heroin? I'm snorting cocaine, mate.
Go on.
Dickhead, what you doing? Do you know who I am? I'm in Silicone valets.
Yeah? But it's valets with a "T" like parking valets.
Ye shall be baptised.
Is he all right? Get in, shut the door.
- Is he dead? - No.
No.
- He looks dead.
- Well, yes.
Yes he is.
He is dead.
But, he's gonna be reborn.
How long is it going to take? Lee.
You lost your mate? Yeah, he's just vanished.
Yeah, well, he set you a fine example.
I won't keep you.
All right, matey, we're getting off.
Kim and Miko are gagging to see the allotments.
Well, they're only human.
See you, Moz.
Who's been mucking about in here? Nicely, nicely! For crying out loud, where's all that water gone? I give up.
I keep going nowhere So I stop breathing Breathing my air Ready for your pressie? MOZ: You shouldn't have gone to so much trouble.
Are you asking me to sleep with you in a sort of ceremonial way? You know who he reminds me of? Your baby.
You help me, or I'll bust you.