Ideal (2005) s05e03 Episode Script

The Red Bag

I thought you loved me.
I do.
More than I've ever loved anyone.
More even than that girl at Huddersfield Bus Depot.
Jane? Jade? Jess? She got a number 42, I remember that.
You were shagging another woman, right in front of me.
But I thought you were in a coma.
I was.
For four days.
A four-day coma, Moz.
That's a long weekend in some people's books! Will you shut up?! You are so going to die.
That was my ex.
You're as fit as fiddle.
You're seeing the doctor tomorrow so I'll leave you to it.
You've obviously got quite a lot of catching-up to do.
If I'd known you were seeing another woman, I wouldn't have bothered coming out me coma.
I'm not seeing another woman.
But we did always say we'd have another crack at a threesome, and this was my way of trying to carry on including you in my life.
Really? Ah! That is so sweet, Moz.
I think I'm going to cry.
God, Jen.
I didn't think I'd ever hear your voice again.
Or see you smile.
Or pinch your bum and get a proper response.
SHE SCREAMS AND LAUGHS Did I not do much, then, when I were in me coma? You weren't at your busiest.
Did I miss 'owt interesting whilst I were "inconcious"? No.
Nothing, really.
Except me dad's moved in across the way, with his blind girlfriend.
And I've given up dealing.
Oh, and course, from now on .
when you want to have a pee, you've got to .
pee into a bag.
Oh, well, that's one less thing to worry about! Now, I know you and me got off on the wrong foot, but I say we put all that behind us.
I'm really sorry if I hurt you.
I forgive you.
Apology accepted.
So, what's your name, love? Alan.
You've got a very soft, gentle voice, Alan.
CROAKS: Thanks.
What star sign are you? Ca-Ca Capricorn.
Ca-Ca Cancer? Can you phone an ambulance? Oh, I don't need an ambulance, Alan.
I'm fine.
That's it.
You chill out, don't blame you.
I love you.
And I love you.
Great, innit? SHE GIGGLES So, what you going to do now you've given up dealing? Still weighing up me options.
What are your options? One, do nowt.
Two, do something else.
Oh! What kind of something else? Well, I thought I might, y'know, get a .
get a a proper job.
SHE GASPS Oh, my God! I'm so sorry you had to hear that, Jen.
Jenny! Hiya, Brian.
Look at you! Walking andtalking! So, is your coma done and dusted? Yeah.
I'm really enjoying being conscious again.
I think it's much more me.
Ravi, this is Jenny.
She's been a vegetable for a few days.
Oh, OK.
Ravi's a life coach.
I always get sick on coaches.
Bet you never thought you'd see Jenny up and about again? I know.
We should be celebrating.
Fancy some poppers? Post-coma poppers? She doesn't.
Would she be all right with an Extra Strong Mint? Hey! She's in the room! Isn't she? Brian tells me you're planning a career change, Moz.
He's going to get a proper job, like you see on the telly.
All right, keep it down! Ravi can help you "reorientize" yourself.
He's a life coach.
Fantastic, all me problems are solved, then.
It's very easy to sit around being sarcastic and criticizing everything.
Oh, well, I might opt for that.
What is it you do? Good question.
I help people break negative patterns.
Ah! So, which is the most negative pattern out of tartan and paisley? That's not exactly, er Anyway, Moz, if you want me to help you to help yourself I'll probably ask myself to help myself, ta.
I should be able to manage between the two of me.
Go on, then.
I suppose you never know.
You might run out of roach material.
I bet you've done nowt about finding a new job.
For your information, I've got the Salford Gazette, and this afternoon I shall open it at Situations Vacant and proactively stick a pin in at random.
Employing chaos theory.
Throwing yourself to the elements.
I'll throw you to to the elements if you don't stop talkin' such wibble.
Are you prepared to travel? No.
Carter-Tutti is looking for someone who can think outside of the box.
Are they? Cos I'm always out me box.
Alan? Alan? Would you join me in a Bovril? I don't mind guests having 40 winks, Alan, but you've had a good two hours so I think you should have a Bovril out of courtesy.
Alan, are you sulking with me? All right, Morris? Well, well, well, Brad and Angelina.
If you're looking to buy weed, you've had a wasted journey.
We've just come to see how your Jenny's getting on with her coma.
Really? You mean youactually care? Yes.
We care.
Have you got a problem with that? No.
Course not.
Well, as it goes, Jen's managed to shake her coma off.
That's nice for her.
She seems to be completely back to how she used to be.
Oh, well, you can't win 'em all.
Paul's going straight.
Aren't you? Dead straight.
Cos I'm going straight.
You copycat bastard! I'm giving up dealing.
Full stop.
Mental in a good way? Mental in a mental way.
And what about you, still going out on the rob? No.
Not any more.
I'm just having a nice, straight, law-abiding time with Psycho Paul.
We're all in the same boat, then.
We should set up a support group.
Straight Pride.
Sounds a bit gay.
I hear you've signed off on your coma.
It's great.
I'm thinking and all sorts.
Jen's still taking it gently, mind.
She's not ready to start playing sudoku.
You're just living one day at a time, aren't you? I think it'll be a while before I can live two days at a time.
So what you doing instead of dealing? He's getting a proper job.
Please stop telling people that.
Paul's getting a proper job, aren't you? Yeah.
From Psycho Paul to Kosher Paul.
So what's your plan? Buy the Gazette, look in Situations Vacant.
We've already got it! I'll help you find a job.
Do you want to borrow me pin? MOBILE RINGS D'you mind if I get this? It's one of the other health visitors.
Hiya, Beverley.
Are you prepared to travel? No.
Typical, I know.
Well, this is it, Bev.
Everybody wants to have a lovely little baby.
But nobody wants to pay full price for it.
I don't know how to break this to you, Alan, but I think you might be dead.
I almost feel responsible.
What's the worse-case scenario? I go to prison and you stay dead.
All right, kitten? Who's this? This is Alan.
He's dead.
Well, I think he's dead.
He's not breathing and he's got no pulse.
So he could be all right.
He's not all right, he's got scissors sticking out of him! Did you tie him to this chair? No, he brought his own chair.
And I think he must've tied himself up.
Who stabbed him? I did.
It was self defence.
He burst in.
But he was so nice about it.
And he's promised me he won't press charges.
I've got him to write it down.
That's illegible and bloodstained.
I still think it'd get people's attention in court.
You could go for a job at Pay It All.
Pay It All? No, not Pay It All.
Do Less.
Do Less? Do Less? I'll think of what I mean in a minute.
So you're serious, then? You're going to be an upstanding pillowcase of society? Totally.
It's what Tania and me both want.
Me too.
It's not easy, though, is it? Nothing's easy for Psycho Paul.
It's a good thing It's a good thing It's a good thing It's a good thing it's not easy.
Keeps us strong, Morris.
Thanks for the tip, but I've already turned down one life coach today.
And I'm not going to choose one whose first name is Psycho.
No, I do mean Pay It All.
Or is it B and P and Q? It's me.
I decided not to come.
But then you did.
Flat six is unoccupied.
I've got to rag-roll the ceiling.
We could do it together.
I'd like that.
You have to understand, if Cartoon Head finds out, he'll kill you.
I didn't mean to be late.
You're not late.
I told you not to come today.
I forgot that bit.
Well, make yourself useful.
Check all the right cables are there.
I'm going to rag-roll six.
And don't knock and disturb me when I'm in the zone.
BELLS CHIME KNOCK ON DOOR Can you keep a secret? No.
See you soon.
Fist, it's me, Keith.
I'm stuck.
I need some help.
You know, like that time I helped you with that policeman that lost his way and ended up down that dead end.
Fist? I think we should go down to A&E.
I'm fed up with A&E.
I spend much longer down that hospital, they'll be naming a ward after me.
I'll make you a deal, right? If you promise to go to A&E, I promise to make the ultimate sacrifice and .
and go for a job interview.
Are you serious? As serious as cannelloni.
It's a deal.
But I'm going down there on me own.
Oh, why? Cos I need some me time.
But you've been in a coma for four days.
How much more me time do you need? I'm going on me own, Moz.
That's the deal, take it or leave it.
But soon as you get any news, you call me.
Or text.
Or send me a smiley.
No, two smileys.
But before I go, I want to see you keep your side of the deal.
Phone up for a job interview.
Paul took me pin.
Come on.
All right! Eh, I'll skin up one last freedom spliff.
Don't say that, for Christ's sake! Hello.
I'm Jake.
What did you say that for? Just being polite.
Well, don't be polite.
It's rude.
I'm going to flat six to start painting.
Finish painting.
Do you enjoy screwing Judith? Eh? Who's Judith? We know she's been seeing a ginger electrician.
She's just left the building.
And here you are.
I'm Jake.
You gingers all look the same to me.
Chen, why don't you unzip the red bag for our friend? Now, the Triad has you and the red bag, we can do anything.
Cod Amongst Man? I'm ringing about your advert.
"Looking for someone with genuine dynamism to do battering and chip work.
" Oh.
Oh, well.
Thanks anyway.
Position's been filled.
Ow! It's probably for the best.
I once went out with a girl who worked in a chippy.
No matter how often she showered, she always smelt like fish and chips.
Oh, well, we can't say I didn't try me best.
Phone up another one.
Phone that "thinking like a box" one.
It's engaged.
Eh, try this one, Easy Spud.
Hello, Easy Spud? I'm ringing regarding your advertisement within the Gazette.
I see.
Monday? Yeah.
See you then.
Got an interview.
9:00 Monday morning.
I've stepped through the looking glass.
I wouldn't worry about it too much.
I don't think there's a chance that you're really going to get that job.
What makes you say that? Because this is the TV remote.
I may be stupid, but I'm not an idiot.
I would never say that.
Where you taking him? Somewhere nice? Dodgy Darren's ex-stepbrother has a job down the steel works.
Says I can bung the body in their furnace.
It seems wrong somehow.
We could just go to the police.
We can't go to the police.
A man's been killed.
Shall I check the coast's clear? Maybe I should do it.
Well? It's not clear.
It's the police.
'K-23?' Yo? 'Domestic incident in progress on Baldwin Road.
' Is there? Right.
I was just about to put me feet up for a bit.
Have a 10-99.
Two civil engineers beating the crap out of each other.
HE SIGHS I have just broken up a hardened gang of graffiti artists, sent 'em back to school.
Is there no-one else who can do it? 'Everyone else has got their sets turned off.
HE MOUTHS HE STUTTERS You're breaking up.
I can't really hear you.
'Yes, you can.
' All right, Troy? All right, filth.
Is that a uniform? Yes, it's a uniform.
I just started at Easy Spud.
Easy Spud? Yeah, used to be Spud Vibrations.
Before that it was, er, No Jacket Required.
I know the place, go in there all the time.
Right tasty fillings.
What they like to work for? Bastards.
They got me doing shop laundry and all sorts.
I spit in the seafood medley.
That's me favourite.
Steer clear of the vegetarian surprise and all.
Why? It's got pork in it.
And beef.
And spit.
'A third civil engineer is now beating the other two with a golf club.
' Better go.
Hey, next time I come in, you can do us a discount.
I'll sort out something special out for you.
HE LAUGHS: You can't get thicker then a thick git quitter! All right, no need to take the piss.
Where you working, Chavs R Us? Easy Spud.
They put me in charge of the fillings.
I love their seafood medley.
Really makes me mouth water.
Ironic, that.
I've kept meaning to tell you, Dad's moved back to Salford.
Dad? Back? Dad? You've grasped both points there.
A fortune teller told me he was dead.
Why isn't he dead? I'd got used to him being dead.
He's a lying bastard, that Gypsy Rose Leroy.
Dad alive? Still, it could be worse.
It is worse.
He's moved in across the landing.
Have you thought about a restraining order? Hiya, Troy.
Have you finished your coma, then? Yeah.
What's it like, being in a coma? Is it really chilling out? Yeah.
Now I'm cured, I'm going down A&E.
Is that a uniform? Yes, it's a uniform.
I am your Easy Spud representative.
Really? Can you get Moz a job there? Yeah, there's a job going at the moment.
They won't mind if I offer it to you.
They trust my judgement.
Are these really people I should be working for? D'you seriously want a job, bro? Yes.
He does.
That's what I want.
The job is yours.
Me and you down at Easy Spud, that's what I want.
This will be mental good.
We can spit in stuff together.
How soon can he start? Next week? Next shift starts in 20 minutes.
Well done! See you later.
Later's always good.
Get your uniform on then.
It fits.
THEY GIGGLE All right, son? All right, Dad? Moz said you were back.
And here you are, back.
Good to see you after all these years.
Is it? Course it is, kiddo.
Ah, nature's balance is restored.
Look at you, you're like two peas in a pod.
No, we're not.
No, we're not.
You are.
No, we're not.
BOTH: No, we're not.
Look, I know I walked out and left your mother to raise you both, and I'm sorry for any inconvenience that I may have caused, but you managed OK.
I mean, it's not as if you're both screw-ups, is it? Are those uniforms? No, they're tattoos.
What've you got in there, dead bodies? It's not a body.
What is in it then? It's nowt.
It's empty.
I'm taking it back to Dodgy Darren's.
I borrowed it for the move.
Don't look empty.
Looks heavy.
It is.
It is heavy.
That's the problem with it, it's heavy before you've put anything in it.
Good job there's nowt in it then, eh? Come on, you can't fool me.
Can't I? It's full of stolen goods, innit? Yeah.
50 faulty four-slot toasters.
Either of you fancy one? I'm happy with me faulty two-slot, ta.
You couldn't give us a hand carrying this bo This bloody thing down to the van, could you? I'm trying to go straight.
I can't be aiding and abetting pop-up crime.
Oh, come on, lads.
Go on, then.
Come on, I'll guide you down.
Best get a move on, don't want to be late for your first shift.
No, I do, I do.
I'm terrible at timekeeping, me.
I understand if you want to fire me before we start.
Don't worry.
No matter what you do, I'll never, ever fire you.
Cartoon Head has a job you might be interested in.
I'm just not known as a heroin dealer.
I've got something lucrative lined up.
What is it? Human trafficking! I don't want anyone killed on my account.
I'm not a vain woman.
So what next? We'll score some weed.
Ah, I see.
I'm not spending any more time with idiots who are off their heads! I'm going to be a bartender.