Ideal (2005) s05e06 Episode Script

The Passports

Right, I think we're nearly there.
I've drawn all me savings out, Colin and Carmel are comin' with our new passports and you've made butties for the flight.
I'm really lookin' forward to gettin' me stolen passport.
I wonder who I'll be.
I hope I've got jet-black hair.
No, Jen, you want yer photo to look as much like you as possible.
That's what we call the whole point.
What a wasted opportunity.
Colin said he's be here by mid-morning.
What time is it? I dunno.
I should have set this.
It's next to useless.
More like on top of useless.
Shall I ring the chatting clock? Go for it.
Everything has to run like clockwork today.
Let's face it, I'm skippin' the country with a stolen passport, facin' a prison sentence.
Whatever happens, we have to keep our wits about us at all times.
That hit the spot.
You're tiring me out just watchin' you.
Will you sit down and relax? Easy for you to say, you're not on Interpol's most-wanted shopping list.
Moz! I promise you there is nothing whatsoever to worry about.
Thanks.
Oh, my God! What? Jen? It were Uncle Jeff.
Who? Uncle Jeff, me mum's brother.
He went mental.
I'd forgotten all about him.
He always had a red bag.
Cartoon Head's Triad have got a red bag.
It couldn't be the same bag.
They're all pretty terrified of it.
It's the same bag.
Hey! What's inside it, then? Please, I don't want to talk about it.
You can tell me though.
No.
OK.
Is it a big thing or loads of little things? I'm not talking about it.
Is it animal, vegetarian or minimal? Moz! I'm serious! I don't want to have to think about it! Now can I please finish me sortin' out? Get a move on, Carol.
Clitheroe won't be there forever.
I've never been to a real cattle market.
It'll take yer breath away.
What is it you wanna buy? I've seen two three-legged bullocks.
I'm sure we can sell 'em for a profit.
Did you withdraw your life savings like I told you? 'Course.
I'm not an idiot.
All right? D'yer wanna come to Clitheroe? I'd rather leave the country.
That's what I'm doin'.
You're not serious? I'm doin' the responsible thing - jumpin' bail.
Me and Jenny are flyin' to Portugal.
After that, who knows? The world's our clam.
When are you goin'? Tonight.
Tonight? But that's today.
Is that Moz? What you up to Moz? Skippin' the country, goin' on the run.
Ooh, send us a postcard.
I might not see you again then.
I'd got used to seein' you more regular.
Yeah, my tolerance was just startin' to build up.
It'll be expensive, all that travellin'.
=I know you haven't a huge amount of savings.
But could yer bung us 20 quid? Ta, kiddo.
I'm gonna miss our little exchanges.
Good luck, son.
Enjoy yourself on the run, Moz.
I'll try me best.
Do yer want a faulty electric blanket as a going away present? D'yer know, I don't.
Colin said they'd be here in an hour.
What time is it? Oh, I dunno.
Didn't you set it by the speakin' clock? I didn't think.
Christ! At least I've got a watch! That's not a watch, it's a manacle that traps yer wrist in a permanent midnight! If you're so clever, how come I can't understand you? Don't you know how important this is? You need to smarten up! And what if I can't? Then what? I know less now than I've ever known.
You might as well just abandon me off! Hey, I don't want to abandon you off.
I want us to look after each other.
I think me brain's damaged.
They don't want my type in Portugal.
Yer not serious? There's nobody else I'd rather jump bail with.
Not even that lass from Huddersfield bus depot.
That better be Colin.
You're a Dad? I have crossed the final frontier.
Being a parent isn't that difficult.
I was a parent for a few months.
It doesn't spell the end of everything.
Jenny's a parent, but you'd never know.
I just don't focus on it.
Obviously there's all the sleepless nights and constantly feedin' 'em and changin' 'em and God, when you think about it, it is a bit of a nightmare.
He's 24! He don't need his nappy changin'.
You never know, he might be one of them that goes to, y'know Nappy clubs.
He don't go to nappy clubs! Jamie is just a normal, straightforward gay lad, who slept wi' me when he already knew I were his Dad.
I thought he was scrummy.
The rate you go through 'em, you were bound to dip yer toe in yer own gene pool in the end.
So, what's yer plan, Puff Daddy? No, seriously, are you gonna see him again? Am I heckers gonna see him again! But he's yer son.
As far as I'm concerned, he's just another ex.
The panther don't hang around an old kill, he slinks on through the jungle.
And I've set me sights on a gazelle.
Yer movin' into bestiality now? I'm not some sort of perv'! I'm goin' out on a date with Jamie's Mum.
Who is now a man.
With tits.
I'm sorry I ever doubted yer.
Thank you.
So, it's goodbye then? You've always been a really good mate.
You, too, cheers, Brian.
And I want you to know, that if you'd been, y'know, scrummier, I would've bummed yer.
Cheers.
That means a lot.
I'm just gonna nip and say bye to me Mum.
And me baby.
OK, make sure yer back in an hour.
Ah, it's 12 already.
Or is it? Brian, have you got the time? Just coming up to 11.
30.
Thanks.
That were a present! Who from? From me to meself.
I'll get you a new one when we get to Portugal.
Dur! That'll have Portuguese numbers on it.
You'll soon pick 'em up.
Go on, get goin' the pair of yer.
Bye, bye.
Hello, McFly.
Not forgotten our bit of business? 'Course not.
Today you start yer career as human traffickers.
You must be very proud.
Very proud, we've got two Ruski lasses delivered at 12.
Come on, lads, in yer go.
Forgetting something? I can't believe you're goin' through with it.
Does it not make yer feel really bad? Yeah.
Well, bad.
Psycho Paul speaking.
You should be coming up to a square roundabout.
Judith! You made me jump.
Sorry.
I'm here to pick up the post.
What erm, what are you doing? I'm following you.
That's nice.
I don't want to be a bother, but I love you.
I'm sorry Marco, I didn't mean to lead you on.
Don't ignore me! I don't wanna make you feel awkward.
Can you take me away from everything? Have you ever been to Chessington World of Adventure? Right.
They're here.
Steve, you go and finish turnin' your flat into a brothel.
Why does it have to be my flat? Shut it, Abu Hamza! Just do as yer told.
You two, giz a lift with the box.
The box? I thought it were two women.
Correct, Morris.
Two women in a box.
Come on! What yer waitin' for, Morris? Unlike you Paul, I'm not a white slave trader.
Why should I help yer? Because one, it's an heavy box.
And two I've got a new screw-driv-er.
Give us a lift then.
Bloody hell This can't be right.
You seem surprised.
No, it's just The lads are a bit disappointed cos they were expectin' Nicole and Stephanie.
Nikolai.
Stepan.
So this is Salford we hear so much about? Let me take guess.
You are leader? Mm? Me? No, God bless you.
No, I'm not even a follower.
I'm a neutered observer.
That's the leader.
Leadin' from the front as ever.
What is name? P- Paul.
Psycho Paul.
Da, da.
Is Psycho Paul we look for.
Me? Really? What what can I do for yer, lads? We come for Ga lavar Sharzsh.
Ga lavar Sharzsh.
What? Show us Ga lavar Sharzsh.
I dunno what it is.
I'm sure he'd help you if he could.
He's not an obstructive psycho.
We don't find Ga lavar Sharzsh then everybody die.
Is very sad.
Isn't it, though.
Careful with the chair, blood! Sorry.
You know what yer doin' cos you done this before, right? Keep eyes shut.
Forever.
Or you could tell us - where is Ga lavar Sharzsh? I dunno what yer after.
Everyone knows Ga lavar Sharzsh.
Maybe we call it something different here.
Perhaps we should have a game of Pictionary? Da.
In your country he is known as Cartoon Head? Cartoon? Of course we know Cartoon Head.
He's one of my closest .
.
people I feel undecided about.
So, do we see Cartoon Head? Or does everybody die? It's ringin'.
No, Cartoon Head, is not Moz.
Is Nikolai.
Da.
You come see me? Da.
Why did I have to come out just then? I won't be able to sleep tonight for hearin' that crack.
Cartoon Head.
You are looking well, my brother.
What? D'yer mean brother as in brother? Or is it like a kind of "all we Russians are brothers" thing? Or are you appropriatin' the Ssh.
Our parents work and work, save and save all money to send Cartoon Head to Salford University, study, be doctor.
You? Cartoon Head MD? Well, you've certainly helped increase custom down at Accident & Emergency.
Cartoon Head leave Russia, we never hear from him again.
16 year pass.
We think he dead.
Then Nikolai discover Cartoon Head alive.
Having time of life in Salford.
Easy thing to do in Salford.
Cartoon Head drop out of university soon as Fresher Week finish.
That is pretty lax, considerin' it takes seven years to become a doctor.
Now Cartoon Head is big gangster.
So where is all parents' money? OK.
No problem.
Nikolai will kill everybody.
What's goin' on? What am I missin'? Shhh.
Don't draw their attention to the chair, blood.
SUCKS TEETH There's no need for all this fuss.
All yer money's in the bag.
Now, we shall see.
Jenny, help me Jenny! No! Close bag Close bag Oh, my God! Uncle Jeff.
I hope you've got planning permission to do that.
Fisssst.
Moz! What is in that bag!? I-I don't want to talk about it.
Just give me a clue.
I don't w-want to t-talk about it.
See yer, Morris.
Psycho Paul, Cartoon Head.
Good to see you two working together again.
I haven't felt like this since Led Zeppelin reformed.
I gotta tell yer, blood.
This is the happiest day of me life.
Make sure yer take good care of her.
She likes warm coffee spilt on her of a morning, then come late evening I generally shower her with burning bong embers.
Have a good one, blood.
Shouldn't Colin and Carmel be here by now? It must be long past 12.
Where the bloody hell have you been? Soz Moz, I had some last minute nickin' to do.
We got your passports.
You are gonna love them.
Jenny, you are Sharon Pimlett.
She sounds wicked.
Moz, you are Roger Muchmore.
Roger Much-more? Are you kiddin'? The name isn't important.
We had to go with the guy who looked most like you.
And Roger Muchmore is that guy.
He's got a handlebar moustache! Dunt matter.
He still looks quite like you.
Moustaches come and go.
It's true.
It happens in Spain all the time.
Sharon Pimlett's got a bit of a 'tache on her an' all.
Yeah but, apart from her top lip needin' a good waxin', she looks summat like you.
Whereas Roger Muchmore looks like the star of a Mexican snuff movie! I had less than 24 hours to find two passports that resembled you two.
Sorry if you think I'm tryin' to pass you off as Porno Boy and the Bearded Lady.
I'm just worried about gettin' stopped.
I could create a diversion.
What's that? Colin is great at diversions.
I've diverted all sorts.
D'yer think I should get me lip waxed? Time to go.
Are you nearly ready? I was born nearly ready.
You two go downstairs, we'll just grab our bags.
You all right? I'm all right.
Yeah.
It's just leavin' this place, it feels weird.
D'yer know what I mean? Yeah.
It's been good to you, this place.
No, it hasn't! It's been bloody awful to me.
It busted me.
And it shot you.
I'm confused now.
D'yer wanna go or not? Make up yer mind.
Cos I'm already half way to being Sharon Pimlett.
Course I wanna go.
Come on.
Nothing's gonna stop us.
Awright, Moz? I'll leave you and Columbo to it.
I hear you're skippin' the country? So you gonna bust us again, constable? No.
I come to say bon voyage.
Oh, well, cheers.
And erm, I'm sorry about whooping your arse.
Yer didn't whoop me arse.
It were a lucky punch.
Yeah.
Lucky it didn't break yer jaw.
All right, Giant Gaystacks.
I suppose you heard - me an' Nicki split up.
Shechucked us out.
Chucked you out of your own flat? So, as you're leavin' I wondered if I could move back in here? Not that yer'll need 'em like.
I've gone for a more open plan feel.
Cheers, feller.
Look after Salford for me.