Ideal (2005) s07e01 Episode Script

The Police

Wow, Moz, you are something pretty special.
Oh, my God, so are you, Kara.
I'm so glad Brian introduced us.
Yeah, I know.
I don't normally go in that bar.
It must be destiny.
Shagging you is like shagging a god.
Buddha? No.
One of the fit gods.
You all right, mate? All good, mate.
Here you are, get on that.
It's just neat.
Nicely, nicely.
Anyone fancy cheese on toast? You read me like a book.
Could you cut the crusts off mine, please, Paul? No problem, love.
Ooh, and me.
Tell you what.
I'll cut the crust off the whole loaf.
Cheers, Paul.
You're a mate.
He's a good lad, isn't he? Then Paul Weller brings back the cheese on toast and we all tuck in.
Right.
Cos my perfect night in would be very different.
Yeah? Oh, yeah.
I'd be in bed with Carmel.
But I'd have Liam Gallagher round to make us some fish fingers.
That's the same night! No.
It's completely different.
You're not there, Paul Weller's not there, Kara Tointon's not there - it's just me and Carmel.
And Liam.
And Liam's brought fish fingers.
HE SLURPS Actually thinking about it, the whole Moz-Weller-Tointon triangle ain't really me perfect night.
It'd just be me and Jenny, having a bong, a laugh and a cuddle.
That's not going to happen, though, is it? She dumped you.
Yeah, I know.
But we could get back together.
Let's face it, it's more likely than the Modfather making us cheese on.
I love that woman.
I still can't believe Carmel's gone, either.
Me and her were a perfect match.
Everybody said so.
Did they? I didn't.
You did.
We were a perfect match.
How were you a perfect match? Carmel's one of the most beautiful women I've ever met.
Whereas you're just the Chuckle Brother that time forgot.
Looking back, maybe I didn't appreciate what I had.
I'm going home to try on my all new lingerie.
Do you want to come and watch? Er No, ta.
I'm off to t'caff for a meat pie.
And do you know, when I got down there, all the meat pies had sold out.
You're breaking me heart here.
But you see, that's where we're totally different.
I knew.
I knew exactly what I had when I had Jenny.
I mean, course, everyone kept telling me she were a big imbecile.
Turns out she were totally on my level.
Maybe that's because you're an imbecile as well.
Had you considered that? I've never considered anything.
GLASS SMASHES All right, kitten? Oh, hello, love.
The packing's pretty much finished.
Smashing.
Our own warden-assisted flat, eh? It's going be like living in a tiny palace.
What's that I can smell? Kentucky Fried Chicken? No, it's mouse.
Oh, Keith, we haven't got any traps.
No need.
I've got him his own cage, with all the amenities - wheel, mirror, mild and mature Cheddar.
Oh! All right for some.
This isn't any mouse, Carol.
Dodgy Darren got him from the university testing lab.
Well, I hope he isn't a smoker.
No, he's growing me a new ear.
Won't you look a bit stupid with one normal ear and one mouse ear? No, Carol.
He's growing me a human ear.
He's not an idiot.
I'm going to call him Bug-a-lugs.
Do you think he'd grow me a couple of eyes? In me soul, I know Jenny was the one.
The one what? The one one, like Carmel's your one one.
Your only chance at true happiness.
Oi! I could still find true happiness.
I'm on probation.
Nah, mate.
Your life's just peaked.
Now it's peeeow BLOWS RASPBERRY I'm only telling you what you don't want to hear.
I know, so shut up! DOOR BUZZER Hello? 'Hi, it's Brian.
' Ah, Brian.
I wasn't expecting you again.
'Shall I just head on up?' OK, sure.
Hi, what a surprise.
Aren't I scrummy? You bought another outfit.
Listen, I'm very busy.
I could easily spend all me money down your shop.
It'd be like when Pokemon first came out.
What's this?! Oh! Wow! I love faggy stuff.
It's designed as day wear for the Anti-Arcadia.
I'm pleased with it.
You should be.
It's for a new line I'm doing called Total Stub-mission.
Anyhoo, I'm trying to get it finished, so I'd love to watch you work.
Oh, no, no, no.
I can't let people watch me work.
I get distracted by their auras.
Time for a break, then.
I'll stick t'kettle on.
Hey, you know what's coming up, don't you? What? Valentine's Day.
It's the perfect excuse to launch an all-out assault on women.
Oh, yeah.
Don't you worry, I'll get her back.
What's the alternative, eh? Sitting round on me arse? Fancy a pizza? Ooh, yeah.
I HAVE got a bit of a food horn on.
How about that place over the road? Mussolini's? I think they might be fascists.
What? No "Mussolini" is a common enough name in Italy.
That's you showing your prejudice, you name Nazi.
Do you really think I could get Carmel back? Definitely.
She's not shagging anyone else, is she? Well, only in a professional capacity.
You know, four or five blokes a day.
Well I'm sure they haven't got anything that you haven't already got.
KNOCK ON DOOR Howdo, fella.
Ah, it's the thick blue line.
You all right? I'm all right? Jenny, what have you done? You're not I am the law.
Jenny's working as a community police officer.
I've been cautioning folk, I've been doing off-the-spot fines.
And, erm, what's that one that you do with the handcuffs? Arresting.
Yeah, I'm all about the arresting, me.
Good news.
I'll just use your lavvy.
Careful with your water cannon.
Are you wearing glittery eye shadow? No.
I think your stuff is so fantastic.
Thank you, but I really oughta be Much better known.
Well, yeah.
I guess.
But I AM known, and the people who know me, know me a lot, so But I think people should be forced to have heard of you.
I mean, I don't want to come across as sycophantic, cos I know you're totally amazing and you'd really hate that.
Yes, I am.
And I would.
This is difficult for me to say and I want you to take this as a friend.
Really? Wow! Oh! Massive thankers.
Massive thankers.
Right back at you.
Now I need to Least I can do is make you another pot of tea.
I miss you so much.
I don't want to talk about this while I'm on duty.
God, I can't believe you've become a bloody hobby bobby! You were the one who stopped me from being a lap dancer.
Well, there are other careers! It ain't a binary thing - police woman OR lap dancer! You've gone straight from filth to filth! If you really love me, how come you're shouting at me? Is it cos you're a miss-sausage-ist? I'm not a miss-sausage-ist! Jenny, I love you.
And sausages.
I want you back.
Stop it, or I will arrest you.
Look, Jenny, I want to give you something.
I'd give it 50 minutes, if I were you.
I thought you said use it, not abuse it.
I'm only joking.
35, tops.
Hey, you'd best be going, you.
Jen's going out solo tonight.
Last time, I mislaid me Tizer.
Taser.
Taser.
At last, a real rain has come to wash the scum off the streets! Come on.
But Sticky black.
You'll easily sell it.
Yeah.
And when we sell it, it stays sold.
Great.
Off you go, then.
'Scuse, you got a light on you? See you around, yeah? KNOCK AT DOOR Jess! All right, sis? Come in.
Did you win Jenny back, then? I tried.
But she threatened to arrest me.
I've been thinking, I need to recreate the circumstances of when we first got together.
What were they, then? She'd drunk a bottle of vodka and I'd had ten bongs.
Still, who's to say it can't happen again, eh? I knew it! They ARE fascists! Look what they've done to our extra anchovies.
Bastards! I've good mind to throw this away.
Really? No.
Good.
But it doesn't mean I've not got principles.
Just cos I'm prepared to eat an extremely salty swastika.
KNOCK AT DOOR Tania! You all right? Moz What's the matter? BREATHLESSLY: I've been rob You've been robbed? I've been robbing.
That makes far more sense.
There's this amazing shop opened called Bag Lady.
Ah! I tell you, their security guard's a right good runner.
So glad I wore me flats.
I thought shops kept these kind of bags chained up together like huskies.
Oxyacetylene.
Lateral thinking.
Like it.
Oh well, you're safe now.
Panic over.
Psycho Paul! Tania.
I been sta-a-a-abbed! So, what brings you to Manchester? Lust for glory? Mum was doing my head in.
Aw, Mum's lovely.
It's not her fault she's in a wheelchair.
Now Mum's lovely.
When you were living at home, she was "The Cardiff Davros".
So, you moving in with your fella? Marek's gone back to Cyprus.
His forged visa ran out.
Aw, that's a shame.
He seemed nice.
Apart from y'know, his two things.
I'll get a new bloke, easy.
But until then, I thought I could stay here? Oh.
Did you? Two weeks, max.
I'll find someone with somewhere by then.
Saw a good-looking bloke on your landing.
Dead lean.
Nice eyes.
Quite big ears.
Cartoon Head? Didn't catch his name.
Grey face? You stay away from Cartoon Head.
He's pure evil.
Ooh.
Sounds like a laugh.
All right, all right.
OMFG, it's like living with Mum.
I'll phone an ambulance.
No.
Ambulances are for poofs.
No, you're thinking of Fiat Puntos.
Phone Rainbow.
Rainbow? Good idea.
She's a paramedic.
She'll know what to do.
Phone Rainbow and I'll phone Jenny.
DIALLING TONE 'Hiya, Paul.
' It's Tania.
'What?' Listen, Rainbow, you have to come to Moz's straight away, cos cos Paul's been stabbed.
'What? Did you do it?' No, I didn't do it.
JENNY: 'What d'you want, Moz?' Jenny, I want you to come over.
'I can't.
I'm providing a visible and reassuring presence on the street.
' What? 'I'm havin' a walkabout.
' Listen, there's been a crime you'll want to investigate.
'Oooh! What kind of crime?' A stabbing.
'Ooh.
Brilliant.
'Should I bring me handcuffs?' Well, I'd like to think we could find a use for 'em.
Really? What an incredible story.
Cartoon Head just told me what kind of attack it was.
Do you want to tell him, or shall I? He were ginger knifed.
That's today's weapon of choice? A knife for cutting up ginger? No! Paul and CH were coming out of Cod Amongst Men and they got jumped by two gingers.
Tandem random.
CH don't reckon it was random.
He reckons it's the Red Mist.
The Red Mist? That's a myth! Come on! A mutant gang of killer gingers living in the sewer? Course it's a myth! They don't live in the sewers, they live near Burnley.
Oh, they've come up in the world - just.
Look, I'm not sayin' that everything you hear about them is true, but the Red Mist do exist, and they are ginger.
You can't be serious! Ten year back, me and Tania watched them kill our Uncle Margaret.
UNCLE Margaret? He were just one day away from finishing his sex change.
You're not going to die.
I never said I was.
I've heard you're seeing some new bloke.
Yeah.
It's not that serious.
He's not like you.
Nobody's like Psycho Paul.
I know.
So, who you seeing, then? He's called Jason.
He used to play mini-Moog in this band, The Silicone Valets.
Only, it's valets with a T.
I've heard 'em.
They're shit.
Are you and Rainbow still? Yeah.
She brings me mad love.
Ooh.
Sounds nice.
It is.
INHALES SHARPLY Psycho Paul? Are you OK? Psycho Paul? Psycho Paul What have you done to him? Nothing, I swear.
If he dies because of you Tania had nowt to do with it.
She's been looking after Paul.
It were Red Mist who knifed him.
DRAMATIC MUSIC Uncle Margaret! Red Mist? That's a myth.
Apparently not.
A gang of ginger ghosts who live inside mirrors? Course it's a myth.
Not everything you've heard about 'em's true.
Are you wearing glittery eye shadow? No! It's just a headache.
Do you want a Bovril, Keith? No, ta, kitten.
How about a sweet Bovril? Aye, go on.
Why not? I suppose I'd better feed our guest.
Oi! Oi, you cheeky git! Bug-a-lugs, come back! There's no need to shout, Keith.
He's got three ears.
See you, Cartoon Head.
Bye, CH.
If Paul dies, I'll kill myself.
He's not going to die.
He's not worth killing yourself for.
Yeah, he is.
He's well worth it.
He's a bargain.
Look, sis you're with Jason.
Paul's with Rainbow.
It's time to move on.
You're right.
I should kill Rainbow.
You tried that.
You couldn't go through with it.
You're too kind-hearted.
The world doesn't deserve me.
Ooh.
Rainbow's through there, puttin' Humpty back together again.
Now, would you say the victim is going to live, not live, don't know? Live.
But I don't know.
Mm.
I'll put, "Not live".
Now, who do you think was responsible? Person's unknown or persons? Cartoon Head said it were the Red Mist.
DRAMATIC MUSIC Red Mist? That's a myth.
No.
A hairspray that turns you ginger? Course it's a myth.
Not everything you hear is true.
You want to get a bit of perspective.
Another vodka? Oh, yeah.
Rainbow.
Double P.
You're not going to die.
I never said I was.
Psycho Paul doesn't die.
He's too Psycho Paul for that.
I gave you 12 stitches and an extra one for luck.
Appreciate it.
Am I hurting you? Yeah.
Lucky this stabbing came up, really.
The more crimes that get committed the more I feel like I'm doing my job.
Well, Manchester's a very crime-rich city, innit? I wonder if Glasgow's going to be as good? Glasgow? Didn't I say? I'm doing a three-month course in Glasgow.
Start next week.
What? Yeah, we're going to be learning about computer crime identity theft, er people being rude on Facebook.
Is PC goin'? I'm going to dump him.
It was mainly the uniform I were attracted to.
And now I've got me own.
Jenny, I've got to give you something.
I'm taking Double P home for observation.
What's this shit? Oh, I ordered that from that fascist pizza place.
Did you? Yeah.
Well, fuck you! Ow! Are you wearing glittery eye shadow? Yes! Nice! You never were and you never will be mine No, you never were And you never will be mine Cos you never were and you never will be mine No, you never were And you never will be mine There's a moment to seize Every time that we meet But you always keep passing me by No, you never were and you never will be mine Cos you never were And you never will be mine No, you never were and you never will be mine There's a moment to seize Every time that we meet But you always keep passing me by No, you never were and you never will be mine Cos you never were Honestly, Jenny, I were never happier than when we were together.
And since we've been apart, I've been so miserable.
I made Thom Yorke look like Timmy Mallet.
You once told me we were soul mates.
Well, you said "mole mates" but I knew what you meant.
And I think it's true.
So why don't we give our love another chance? Or at least, you know, failing that, have a farewell shag? Anyway, that's all I wanted to say when you were still here.
Oh! This is what happens when you lend people money.
Derrick's sperm is very disappointing.
What you doing in a woman's bed? If you've got any sense, you'll live in fear of your best mates.
He's stalking me! It's more romantic than that.
Hola! SHE SCREAMS