I'm Alan Partridge (1997) s02e04 Episode Script
Never Say Alan Again
(SOFT SINGING) # I loved you, but you left me # That was Norwich-based singer Christian le Vaux with a self-penned song entitled "I loved You, But You left Me".
He can't get a record deal.
There's no justice, Christianle Vaux.
It's the bank holiday weekend.
A terrible time for the lonely.
Which Christian testifies to on his second track.
"LonelyÃ'Cause You left Me".
Tonight, we're think-abouting which celebrity you'd spend a bank holiday with and what would you do.
Sue from Paston wants to sit down with hotpot and red cabbage and watch "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" with Sting.
T.
Gladden e-mails to say he'd like to clean out the attic with the lovely Kate Winslet.
On the line, we have, if I'm not mistaken Roy from Caister St Edmund.
Hello.
- Hello, - What ya doing? Who's with ya? I'd like to go round Legoland with Sean Connery, then go for a lovely lamb lunch in Windsor, I don't think that's Connery's cup of tea.
I think Sean would rather wander round the wildfowl park in Pepperstock with a bottle of Scotch! I don't agree, He'd go to Legoland.
Bye.
(CONTINUOUS BEEP) Sorry.
Music.
Hide the steak, it's Chrissie Hynde.
When they found him, he still had the remote in his hand.
That was moving rabbit classic "Bright Eyes".
A cheeky chappie who's staring into the abyss of having to spend three days with himself - the insomniac's boyfriend, David Clifton.
Good evening, Alan.
I'm not so sure about that.
I'm seeing a friend at the weekend.
- Johnnie Walker or Jack Daniels? - No.
Glenmorangie? No.
I'm seeing Tony Hadley from Spandau Ballet.
- Rubbish! - I'm on an archery weekend with him.
- Really? - We both do archery.
I'm grade three.
I'm hoping to get my grade four this weekend.
- How do you Can l - What are you doing this weekend? I'm watching all the Bond films with my friend Michael.
- The guy who works at the garage? - I know where he works.
There goes Alan Partridge, licensed to killtime by watching videos.
Good one.
Arrows are deceitful.
When a cowboy fires a gun, the bang gives you a chance to duck.
When a cowboy has an arrow fired at him, he hears nothing.
If he's lucky, it sticks in his hat, but more often than not it sticks in his back and he dies on the horse that rides off like that.
- Yeah.
Bye, Alan.
- Also, archers.
I hate archers, "The Archers" and Jeffrey Archer.
You're all deceitful cowards.
That only applies to archers and Jeffrey Archer, but not "The Archers" who are a mixed bag.
Goodbye.
OK.
What are we doing to the planet? Well, it's "Purple Rain".
- Bang! I'm James Bond.
- Got us in the neck.
You'll survive if it doesn't sever the spinal column.
I wouldn't be able to talk.
I'd just go uh-uh.
I love the gadgets.
Pay attention, Bond.
Simply remove the top of this pen - jab it into somebody's eye, like that.
- That's not a gadget, Michael.
That's just monstrous use of a biro.
(LIVERPUDLIAN) There's an advert for it.
Truckfest.
It's coming to Ipswich! - David Soul's gonna be there.
- Yeah.
(THEY HONK) Imagine that, Mike.
Driving across the States on one of them roads - Route 66.
- Sleeping in motels.
- Just going into a shop and buying a gun.
(THEY HoNK) They're actually left-hand drive.
So you'd just be grabbing photographs of your family.
Or rosary beads if you were from Mexico.
- Do you want to serve this guy? - He's a friend.
- Oh.
All right? The name's Tex.
- Text? No.
Tex.
Short for Terry and Texas and that.
- He likes American stuff.
- Oh.
- Alan likes James Bond.
- You're a Bond guy? - My man's got to be Wayne.
- Wayne Sleep? The jacket and the boots.
No.
Wayne.
"Get off your horse and drink your milk.
" Yeah.
Wayne Sleep.
Mike, I'm just gonna grab a Dr Pepper from the cooler.
Stick it on my tab.
I'm going to get a Ginster's from the fridge.
Put it on the slate.
- I can't wait to get back to the States.
- I used to hang around the States.
- Where? - Florida mainly A fortnight in Florida.
- Yeah.
Good days.
- Florida, eh? Walt Disney.
He lived the American dream.
Built a huge empire.
I thought he just drew pictures of mice.
I prefer David Attenborough.
He's more honest.
He interviews real mice.
- I'm gonna hit the road.
Check you later.
- Check you later.
(THEY HoNK) - Nice to meet you, Colin.
- Colin? - Walt Disney! Animals never wore clothes.
- Hang on.
(HONKING) - There he goes.
- Is that his pickup truck? - Aye.
He calls it Convoy.
- Convoy? You're hanging around with a man who uses a collective term for a single vehicle.
- He likes American things.
- Like Dr Pepper? - Aye.
- Tastes like fizzy Benylin.
So how long's "Like A Rhinestone Cowboy" been coming in? - About 18 month Two year.
- Do you chat to any other men? Aye.
Including you, four regulars.
Michael, what the hell's going on? It's just, you know, men who want someone to talk to.
They're just lonely.
I cannot not talk to the customers.
My badge says, "Michael.
I'm here to help.
" - No.
It just says "Michael".
- Aye, it does.
- Why did you think it said the rest? - I must have dreamt it.
- Bond weekend.
Me and you.
- I don't remember inviting you.
I think you've put two and two together and you've made five or, as the Americans say, "Fi-i-ive.
" - Do you want that Kit Kat? - No.
- You'll have to pay for that.
- Put it on the slate.
Actually, I'll eat it.
- All right, Al? - Aagh! - What are you doing? It's a bank holiday.
- I had to do those dodgy floor joists.
- What was that you were doing? - I was just walking through my house.
- In the style of James Bond.
- It was quite good.
- You'd make a good James Bond.
- Really? I like "Goldfinger".
That bit where the laser beam's going up his jaffas.
We should talk more.
I've got lots of subjects to chat about.
I used to chat to another bloke but he likes American things.
- What do you think of American things? - A bit full of themselves.
Abso-bloody-exactly! - Not my cup of tea.
- We could do a Bond film.
You could be my stuntman.
You've got a good physique.
I don't want it to get too big.
It's your pec muscles you start off with.
Sort out your pecs, do your bench presses.
Here, have a prod of that.
Yeah, very firm.
Mine are more or less the same, just fractionally more flaccid.
Apart from that, I've got a smooth chest with a ring of hairs round each nipple and a thin line that sort of builds towards the usual place.
Bye.
Right, Sonja.
Let's sort this timetable out.
9 a.
m.
, "Doctor No".
Break for a pee.
I need at least three minutes to urinate.
Seems to take forever these days.
I never thought, when I was in my 20s, I'd have to push.
- Next? - 11.
05, "From Russia With love".
1.
15, "Goldfinger".
Strawberry Nesquik, fishcakes.
3.
35, "Thunderball".
Dump.
Question mark.
See how I feel after the fishcakes.
- How long? - 20 minutes.
We'll allow for complications.
6.
15, "You Only live Twice".
Tin of Director's.
8.
20, "Diamonds Are Forever".
Put the roast on as soon as you see the moon buggy.
- You are very brilliant.
It's a clever schedule.
- Thank you.
I love you, in a way.
You could be a Bond femme fatale with your broken English.
- You're sexy, but I don't trust you.
- James Bond doesn't live in a caravan.
No, but this could be a compact Swiss chalet.
About to be stormed by 15 bad bastards in boiler suits.
Hello.
Bang-bang! - You enjoyed that.
- (MACHINE-GUN NOISE) - Was that a snub-nosed Uzi? - Yes, I think it was.
You're cheerful considering it's the first anniversary of your mother's death.
- Life goes on.
- Can we finish the Bond schedule? You've allowed for the visit to the grave? It's in the schedule.
Visit to your mother's grave, then "Doctor No".
The underground base of an evil genius and then "Doctor No"! If he takes you to grave, we'll be late for film and our work will be destroyed.
- Can't you cut a less important film? - Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Which are the less important Bond films, Lynn? - I've got to hear this.
- One of those Welsh ones.
The Timothy Dalton ones? He didn't play it as a Welshman.
He didn't say, "The name's Bond, Jones the Bond.
Double O th-even.
" "Licensed to ki-ch.
" - Lynn, are you wearing perfume? - Yes.
For a corpse? No.
I'm having lunch at TGl Friday's with Gordon.
- The retired policeman who's not a con man? - Yes.
You can have Death By Chocolate while he rifles your bank book.
Spectacles, driving gloves, phone, wallet, keys.
- Sonja, did you get the piccalilli? - Yes.
Excellent.
Let's go to the graveyard.
Graveyards are so depressing.
They remind me of death.
There's a grave over there that I saw that's of a man who died in 1872 and he was only three.
Snazzy headstone there.
That's one of those '80s ones.
Black granite.
It's a waste, really.
If you sliced that up, you'd have most of the work surface for a Poggenpohl kitchen.
I bet a lot of these go missing and end up as work surfaces in luxury kitchens.
They'd have to turn them upside down, so it didn't reveal the details of the dead in recessed lettering, which would also collect crumbs.
Lynn, the anniversary of a dead mum is always a tough one.
But I am up against it with this Bondathon, so if you could limit your mourning (GERMAN ACCENT) .
.
to no more than ten minutes! - I'm tying to lighten the mood.
- You don't need to, Alan.
I am not down.
You've got ten minutes.
Go give it to her.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) (HORN TOOTS) Ten minutes, Lynn! - First year over.
- Yeah.
She's probably up in heaven right now complaining about "brown people".
She stuck to her guns with all that right to the end, even on the last day.
The way she looked at that nurse.
God rest her racist soul.
- Jesus was from the Middle East.
- Was he? Jesus wasn't brown.
- Let's not have that discussion now.
- Can I come in? - We don't need our drive tarmacking.
- This is Gordon.
Oh, Sorry.
l thought you were a tinker with tarmac.
- Nice to meet you.
- And you.
Make sure she's back by ten and don't get her pregnant.
- You're keen on the Bible? - I live by it.
I was reading the book of Genesis the other day.
That bloody snake! Would you be prone to temptation like Adam? I think I'd be more preoccupied by the fact I was encountering a talking snake.
Whether I wanted an apple or not would be a side issue.
Even if it just rolled an apple towards me and went .
.
I think I'd still be troubled.
Then I'd just put some trunks on and sit down on the grass.
- We'll be off, then.
- Great.
I've been wanting a word with you about Lynn.
I don't like the way you treat her.
If you don't start treating her better, I'm going to knock your block off.
- Do I make myself clear? - Yeah.
- Do I make myself clear? - Yeah Yes.
- Keep the thought there.
- Aagh! I thought you were attacking me.
I know when I'm being lied to.
I've been lied to a lot.
With respect, if you hang around with criminals, you're gonna get lied to.
- Think on.
- I'm thinking on.
"Let Die", "Golden", "Raker" "Eyes Only", "Pussy", "Daylight's".
"Nutty Professor II.
.
The Klumps"? - I got it in a charity shop called Scope.
- Scope? Why do they change the name? Consignia and Scope.
It's the Post Office and the Spastic Society.
Ohbutter my arse! I've just realised.
We haven't got "The Spy Who loved Me".
I lent it to that bloke at the petrol station.
- Michael? - Was that his name? - I'll have to get it.
- Hello? I reckon I could do that Bond stuff.
Unfortunately, I don't think society's ready for "View T' Kill".
"Eeh, Octopussy.
" - "Doctor Nowwt".
- Lovely stuff.
I've just cracked open a bottle of Sunny Delight.
I can't manage a whole one.
Fancy some? - No.
I've got to go to the timber yard.
- I'll take you.
Couple of straws, no problem.
- We can stop at the petrol station.
- How is your Geordie mate? You've got wonder about a man who sits in a petrol station all day talking to other men.
- Have a look round.
I'll treat you.
- Cheers.
- Has the Duke of Hazard been in? - No, he's not.
I'd like you to return my "Spy Who loved Me" video.
- It's at home.
- In America? - No.
Lithow Street.
- This is John.
Show him your tool belt.
Oh, smart.
You have this obsession with American things, yet you work for British Petroleum.
I mean, hello? - Hello? - It's a thing people say! - Do you want any petrol? - I'll get it across the road.
Your petrol's a bit obvious It's a bit petrolly.
Let's saddle our horses and get ourselves a curly Cumberland sausage from the little-bitty Chef.
Little Chef.
I taped that documentary for you.
"The World's Worst Storms.
" This tsunami crashes down on a village and wipes them all out.
Programmes about storms? Get a life.
Come on, John.
let's go to Sprowston.
- We haven't got time for that, Al.
- We'll go straight to the timber yard.
Hello, Lynn.
What are you doing here? You should be at home relaxing.
- You asked for a black marker pen.
- Oh.
Thanks.
I'll give you a raise.
Eight and a half thousand? Nine Nine and a half.
Te # Tell you what.
Tell you what It's nine and a half thousand pounds # Let's all sing it.
# Tell you what, tell you what # It's nine and a half thousand pounds # Thank you, Alan.
"Mrs Robinson, are you tying to seduce me?" Sonja, let's get some juice while the men set the world to rights.
- Still watching you, Alan.
- I know.
And I'm thinking about it in my block that you may knock off.
That cement's dried, so I'll be off.
- Wait.
Will you stay and watch a Bond film? - I can't.
I've got too much to do.
listen.
I've been threatened by an ex-fuzz.
If you hang around, I'll pay you.
How much is a monkey? - 500.
- How much is a mouse? There's no such amount.
Pony's 150.
I'll give you 200.
That's a pony and a bag of hooves.
- Done.
- Great.
- I got Sunny Delight - Don't kiss me again! Aagh! Alan, I spilt Sunny Delight all over your James Bond videos.
Lynn, you shouldn't worry about it.
- Are they repairable? - I'll just check.
Yeah.
They're ruined.
Excuse me.
I'll just be a minute.
Mrs Moneypenny's an eejit! She's an eejit! (HE MUTTERS) - Hello, Michael.
- What are you doing? Just destroying my cereals.
Careful.
Folk might say you're a cereal killer! Here's "The Spy Who loved Me" and all your other stuff.
Can we make friends? - I know I said all that stuff.
- No, no.
Let's watch "The Spy Who loved Me"! It's a bit difficult 'cause (HOOTER BLASTS) - We were just going to blow the horn.
- You could have blown the horn in my Lexus.
You could have sat in the front and reached across.
It's on the central steering wheel boss behind the air bag.
It's precision engineering, eh? like you always say, it's the Japanese Mercedes.
God, I've missed you.
I've missed you an' all, man.
I really have.
I just Hi, Tex.
We're having a hoedown.
I'm down, but I'm not a ho.
There's a load of Frosties on your step.
Yes.
I've been destroying my cereals.
Got a problem with that? You're welcome to watch "The Spy Who loved Me".
Thanks, but me and Mike are off to the Truckfest.
We'd better er He's staying with me.
We could see it at Skegness.
Timmy Mallet's gonna be there.
- All right.
- Great.
- Thanks vey much.
- Let's watch "The Spy Who loved Me"! (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Stop talking about American things and let's watch the best film ever made.
"Welcome to "America's Strongest Man' where the toughest, mightiest titans.
.
" Have you taped over "The Spy Who loved Me"? No.
It was Terry.
I gave him the tape.
I'm really Sorry.
I really wanted to see "America's Strongest Man".
Now you've got "Norfolk's Maddest Man"! I wanted to watch Roger Moore necking with Fiona Fullerrton.
Instead I've got a giant Michael Bolton lookalike throwing an oven over hay bales! "The Spy Who loved Me" is a brilliant film.
It begin in forest in Germany It's Austria!.
- What's the one with the laser beam? - "Goldfinger"! What's the one with the volcano that opens up and there's all Chinkies jumping down? - Isn't that "Thunderball"? - No! Stop getting Bond wrong! I'll tell you about "The Spy Who loved Me".
All do that.
I'm Roger Moore.
Bang! Blood dribbles down.
We're on a submarine.
Two sailors have a game of chess.
The cups start wobbling.
Then the man who used to be in "The Onedin line" says, "What's going on?" Yeah.
Stop that now.
Then he looks through the periscope.
The submarine's being eaten by a giant tanker.
Then we cut to Moscow.
There's a Russian man - with eyebrows - on the phone going, "A whole submarine? You're joking? "I'll have to tell some other Russians.
" Then it cuts to James - Roger Moore - and, yes, he's with a lady.
He's necking with her.
He says, "I've got to go, love.
Something's come up!" He means his cock! Anyway, then he puts on his underpants and his ski suit and he starts skiing.
He's being chased by these Russian shits in black jumpsuits with lemon piping.
They start shooting at him and he goes, "Just stop it!" He turns round and does a backward somersault and lands on his feet.
He's not showing off.
Then he goes over a cliff and he's falling.
And you think, "God, he's going to die!" But then, at the last minute A parachute comes out with a Union Jack on it - Michael! Michael! - That's how it ends.
The end of the beginning goes like this.
# Glang glanga-langa langa langa langa lang # Glang-alang glang-alang alang # Nobody does it better # I'm a naked woman in silhouette with a gun.
# Makes me feel sad for the rest # Nobody does it # Bit of nipple.
# Quite as good as you # Baby, you're the best # Really big bounce right over and I land on my feet.
# I wasn't looking and somehow you found me # Ooh, bit of bush.
# I tried to hide from your love life # Woman swinging on a giant luger.
Ooh! # like heaven above me # Another naked woman on a gun, completely billy bollocks.
# The spy who loved me is keeping all my secrets safe tonight # Then one more big swing, legs go right up What was that? Too late! # Nobody does it half as good as you Baby, you're the best # Brilliant! So do you want to hear some more? Welcome to "America's Strongest Man", Strong.
look.
Go on, lift it.
He's got fingers like Schwarzenegger's arms.
He can't get a record deal.
There's no justice, Christianle Vaux.
It's the bank holiday weekend.
A terrible time for the lonely.
Which Christian testifies to on his second track.
"LonelyÃ'Cause You left Me".
Tonight, we're think-abouting which celebrity you'd spend a bank holiday with and what would you do.
Sue from Paston wants to sit down with hotpot and red cabbage and watch "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" with Sting.
T.
Gladden e-mails to say he'd like to clean out the attic with the lovely Kate Winslet.
On the line, we have, if I'm not mistaken Roy from Caister St Edmund.
Hello.
- Hello, - What ya doing? Who's with ya? I'd like to go round Legoland with Sean Connery, then go for a lovely lamb lunch in Windsor, I don't think that's Connery's cup of tea.
I think Sean would rather wander round the wildfowl park in Pepperstock with a bottle of Scotch! I don't agree, He'd go to Legoland.
Bye.
(CONTINUOUS BEEP) Sorry.
Music.
Hide the steak, it's Chrissie Hynde.
When they found him, he still had the remote in his hand.
That was moving rabbit classic "Bright Eyes".
A cheeky chappie who's staring into the abyss of having to spend three days with himself - the insomniac's boyfriend, David Clifton.
Good evening, Alan.
I'm not so sure about that.
I'm seeing a friend at the weekend.
- Johnnie Walker or Jack Daniels? - No.
Glenmorangie? No.
I'm seeing Tony Hadley from Spandau Ballet.
- Rubbish! - I'm on an archery weekend with him.
- Really? - We both do archery.
I'm grade three.
I'm hoping to get my grade four this weekend.
- How do you Can l - What are you doing this weekend? I'm watching all the Bond films with my friend Michael.
- The guy who works at the garage? - I know where he works.
There goes Alan Partridge, licensed to killtime by watching videos.
Good one.
Arrows are deceitful.
When a cowboy fires a gun, the bang gives you a chance to duck.
When a cowboy has an arrow fired at him, he hears nothing.
If he's lucky, it sticks in his hat, but more often than not it sticks in his back and he dies on the horse that rides off like that.
- Yeah.
Bye, Alan.
- Also, archers.
I hate archers, "The Archers" and Jeffrey Archer.
You're all deceitful cowards.
That only applies to archers and Jeffrey Archer, but not "The Archers" who are a mixed bag.
Goodbye.
OK.
What are we doing to the planet? Well, it's "Purple Rain".
- Bang! I'm James Bond.
- Got us in the neck.
You'll survive if it doesn't sever the spinal column.
I wouldn't be able to talk.
I'd just go uh-uh.
I love the gadgets.
Pay attention, Bond.
Simply remove the top of this pen - jab it into somebody's eye, like that.
- That's not a gadget, Michael.
That's just monstrous use of a biro.
(LIVERPUDLIAN) There's an advert for it.
Truckfest.
It's coming to Ipswich! - David Soul's gonna be there.
- Yeah.
(THEY HONK) Imagine that, Mike.
Driving across the States on one of them roads - Route 66.
- Sleeping in motels.
- Just going into a shop and buying a gun.
(THEY HoNK) They're actually left-hand drive.
So you'd just be grabbing photographs of your family.
Or rosary beads if you were from Mexico.
- Do you want to serve this guy? - He's a friend.
- Oh.
All right? The name's Tex.
- Text? No.
Tex.
Short for Terry and Texas and that.
- He likes American stuff.
- Oh.
- Alan likes James Bond.
- You're a Bond guy? - My man's got to be Wayne.
- Wayne Sleep? The jacket and the boots.
No.
Wayne.
"Get off your horse and drink your milk.
" Yeah.
Wayne Sleep.
Mike, I'm just gonna grab a Dr Pepper from the cooler.
Stick it on my tab.
I'm going to get a Ginster's from the fridge.
Put it on the slate.
- I can't wait to get back to the States.
- I used to hang around the States.
- Where? - Florida mainly A fortnight in Florida.
- Yeah.
Good days.
- Florida, eh? Walt Disney.
He lived the American dream.
Built a huge empire.
I thought he just drew pictures of mice.
I prefer David Attenborough.
He's more honest.
He interviews real mice.
- I'm gonna hit the road.
Check you later.
- Check you later.
(THEY HoNK) - Nice to meet you, Colin.
- Colin? - Walt Disney! Animals never wore clothes.
- Hang on.
(HONKING) - There he goes.
- Is that his pickup truck? - Aye.
He calls it Convoy.
- Convoy? You're hanging around with a man who uses a collective term for a single vehicle.
- He likes American things.
- Like Dr Pepper? - Aye.
- Tastes like fizzy Benylin.
So how long's "Like A Rhinestone Cowboy" been coming in? - About 18 month Two year.
- Do you chat to any other men? Aye.
Including you, four regulars.
Michael, what the hell's going on? It's just, you know, men who want someone to talk to.
They're just lonely.
I cannot not talk to the customers.
My badge says, "Michael.
I'm here to help.
" - No.
It just says "Michael".
- Aye, it does.
- Why did you think it said the rest? - I must have dreamt it.
- Bond weekend.
Me and you.
- I don't remember inviting you.
I think you've put two and two together and you've made five or, as the Americans say, "Fi-i-ive.
" - Do you want that Kit Kat? - No.
- You'll have to pay for that.
- Put it on the slate.
Actually, I'll eat it.
- All right, Al? - Aagh! - What are you doing? It's a bank holiday.
- I had to do those dodgy floor joists.
- What was that you were doing? - I was just walking through my house.
- In the style of James Bond.
- It was quite good.
- You'd make a good James Bond.
- Really? I like "Goldfinger".
That bit where the laser beam's going up his jaffas.
We should talk more.
I've got lots of subjects to chat about.
I used to chat to another bloke but he likes American things.
- What do you think of American things? - A bit full of themselves.
Abso-bloody-exactly! - Not my cup of tea.
- We could do a Bond film.
You could be my stuntman.
You've got a good physique.
I don't want it to get too big.
It's your pec muscles you start off with.
Sort out your pecs, do your bench presses.
Here, have a prod of that.
Yeah, very firm.
Mine are more or less the same, just fractionally more flaccid.
Apart from that, I've got a smooth chest with a ring of hairs round each nipple and a thin line that sort of builds towards the usual place.
Bye.
Right, Sonja.
Let's sort this timetable out.
9 a.
m.
, "Doctor No".
Break for a pee.
I need at least three minutes to urinate.
Seems to take forever these days.
I never thought, when I was in my 20s, I'd have to push.
- Next? - 11.
05, "From Russia With love".
1.
15, "Goldfinger".
Strawberry Nesquik, fishcakes.
3.
35, "Thunderball".
Dump.
Question mark.
See how I feel after the fishcakes.
- How long? - 20 minutes.
We'll allow for complications.
6.
15, "You Only live Twice".
Tin of Director's.
8.
20, "Diamonds Are Forever".
Put the roast on as soon as you see the moon buggy.
- You are very brilliant.
It's a clever schedule.
- Thank you.
I love you, in a way.
You could be a Bond femme fatale with your broken English.
- You're sexy, but I don't trust you.
- James Bond doesn't live in a caravan.
No, but this could be a compact Swiss chalet.
About to be stormed by 15 bad bastards in boiler suits.
Hello.
Bang-bang! - You enjoyed that.
- (MACHINE-GUN NOISE) - Was that a snub-nosed Uzi? - Yes, I think it was.
You're cheerful considering it's the first anniversary of your mother's death.
- Life goes on.
- Can we finish the Bond schedule? You've allowed for the visit to the grave? It's in the schedule.
Visit to your mother's grave, then "Doctor No".
The underground base of an evil genius and then "Doctor No"! If he takes you to grave, we'll be late for film and our work will be destroyed.
- Can't you cut a less important film? - Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Which are the less important Bond films, Lynn? - I've got to hear this.
- One of those Welsh ones.
The Timothy Dalton ones? He didn't play it as a Welshman.
He didn't say, "The name's Bond, Jones the Bond.
Double O th-even.
" "Licensed to ki-ch.
" - Lynn, are you wearing perfume? - Yes.
For a corpse? No.
I'm having lunch at TGl Friday's with Gordon.
- The retired policeman who's not a con man? - Yes.
You can have Death By Chocolate while he rifles your bank book.
Spectacles, driving gloves, phone, wallet, keys.
- Sonja, did you get the piccalilli? - Yes.
Excellent.
Let's go to the graveyard.
Graveyards are so depressing.
They remind me of death.
There's a grave over there that I saw that's of a man who died in 1872 and he was only three.
Snazzy headstone there.
That's one of those '80s ones.
Black granite.
It's a waste, really.
If you sliced that up, you'd have most of the work surface for a Poggenpohl kitchen.
I bet a lot of these go missing and end up as work surfaces in luxury kitchens.
They'd have to turn them upside down, so it didn't reveal the details of the dead in recessed lettering, which would also collect crumbs.
Lynn, the anniversary of a dead mum is always a tough one.
But I am up against it with this Bondathon, so if you could limit your mourning (GERMAN ACCENT) .
.
to no more than ten minutes! - I'm tying to lighten the mood.
- You don't need to, Alan.
I am not down.
You've got ten minutes.
Go give it to her.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) (HORN TOOTS) Ten minutes, Lynn! - First year over.
- Yeah.
She's probably up in heaven right now complaining about "brown people".
She stuck to her guns with all that right to the end, even on the last day.
The way she looked at that nurse.
God rest her racist soul.
- Jesus was from the Middle East.
- Was he? Jesus wasn't brown.
- Let's not have that discussion now.
- Can I come in? - We don't need our drive tarmacking.
- This is Gordon.
Oh, Sorry.
l thought you were a tinker with tarmac.
- Nice to meet you.
- And you.
Make sure she's back by ten and don't get her pregnant.
- You're keen on the Bible? - I live by it.
I was reading the book of Genesis the other day.
That bloody snake! Would you be prone to temptation like Adam? I think I'd be more preoccupied by the fact I was encountering a talking snake.
Whether I wanted an apple or not would be a side issue.
Even if it just rolled an apple towards me and went .
.
I think I'd still be troubled.
Then I'd just put some trunks on and sit down on the grass.
- We'll be off, then.
- Great.
I've been wanting a word with you about Lynn.
I don't like the way you treat her.
If you don't start treating her better, I'm going to knock your block off.
- Do I make myself clear? - Yeah.
- Do I make myself clear? - Yeah Yes.
- Keep the thought there.
- Aagh! I thought you were attacking me.
I know when I'm being lied to.
I've been lied to a lot.
With respect, if you hang around with criminals, you're gonna get lied to.
- Think on.
- I'm thinking on.
"Let Die", "Golden", "Raker" "Eyes Only", "Pussy", "Daylight's".
"Nutty Professor II.
.
The Klumps"? - I got it in a charity shop called Scope.
- Scope? Why do they change the name? Consignia and Scope.
It's the Post Office and the Spastic Society.
Ohbutter my arse! I've just realised.
We haven't got "The Spy Who loved Me".
I lent it to that bloke at the petrol station.
- Michael? - Was that his name? - I'll have to get it.
- Hello? I reckon I could do that Bond stuff.
Unfortunately, I don't think society's ready for "View T' Kill".
"Eeh, Octopussy.
" - "Doctor Nowwt".
- Lovely stuff.
I've just cracked open a bottle of Sunny Delight.
I can't manage a whole one.
Fancy some? - No.
I've got to go to the timber yard.
- I'll take you.
Couple of straws, no problem.
- We can stop at the petrol station.
- How is your Geordie mate? You've got wonder about a man who sits in a petrol station all day talking to other men.
- Have a look round.
I'll treat you.
- Cheers.
- Has the Duke of Hazard been in? - No, he's not.
I'd like you to return my "Spy Who loved Me" video.
- It's at home.
- In America? - No.
Lithow Street.
- This is John.
Show him your tool belt.
Oh, smart.
You have this obsession with American things, yet you work for British Petroleum.
I mean, hello? - Hello? - It's a thing people say! - Do you want any petrol? - I'll get it across the road.
Your petrol's a bit obvious It's a bit petrolly.
Let's saddle our horses and get ourselves a curly Cumberland sausage from the little-bitty Chef.
Little Chef.
I taped that documentary for you.
"The World's Worst Storms.
" This tsunami crashes down on a village and wipes them all out.
Programmes about storms? Get a life.
Come on, John.
let's go to Sprowston.
- We haven't got time for that, Al.
- We'll go straight to the timber yard.
Hello, Lynn.
What are you doing here? You should be at home relaxing.
- You asked for a black marker pen.
- Oh.
Thanks.
I'll give you a raise.
Eight and a half thousand? Nine Nine and a half.
Te # Tell you what.
Tell you what It's nine and a half thousand pounds # Let's all sing it.
# Tell you what, tell you what # It's nine and a half thousand pounds # Thank you, Alan.
"Mrs Robinson, are you tying to seduce me?" Sonja, let's get some juice while the men set the world to rights.
- Still watching you, Alan.
- I know.
And I'm thinking about it in my block that you may knock off.
That cement's dried, so I'll be off.
- Wait.
Will you stay and watch a Bond film? - I can't.
I've got too much to do.
listen.
I've been threatened by an ex-fuzz.
If you hang around, I'll pay you.
How much is a monkey? - 500.
- How much is a mouse? There's no such amount.
Pony's 150.
I'll give you 200.
That's a pony and a bag of hooves.
- Done.
- Great.
- I got Sunny Delight - Don't kiss me again! Aagh! Alan, I spilt Sunny Delight all over your James Bond videos.
Lynn, you shouldn't worry about it.
- Are they repairable? - I'll just check.
Yeah.
They're ruined.
Excuse me.
I'll just be a minute.
Mrs Moneypenny's an eejit! She's an eejit! (HE MUTTERS) - Hello, Michael.
- What are you doing? Just destroying my cereals.
Careful.
Folk might say you're a cereal killer! Here's "The Spy Who loved Me" and all your other stuff.
Can we make friends? - I know I said all that stuff.
- No, no.
Let's watch "The Spy Who loved Me"! It's a bit difficult 'cause (HOOTER BLASTS) - We were just going to blow the horn.
- You could have blown the horn in my Lexus.
You could have sat in the front and reached across.
It's on the central steering wheel boss behind the air bag.
It's precision engineering, eh? like you always say, it's the Japanese Mercedes.
God, I've missed you.
I've missed you an' all, man.
I really have.
I just Hi, Tex.
We're having a hoedown.
I'm down, but I'm not a ho.
There's a load of Frosties on your step.
Yes.
I've been destroying my cereals.
Got a problem with that? You're welcome to watch "The Spy Who loved Me".
Thanks, but me and Mike are off to the Truckfest.
We'd better er He's staying with me.
We could see it at Skegness.
Timmy Mallet's gonna be there.
- All right.
- Great.
- Thanks vey much.
- Let's watch "The Spy Who loved Me"! (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Stop talking about American things and let's watch the best film ever made.
"Welcome to "America's Strongest Man' where the toughest, mightiest titans.
.
" Have you taped over "The Spy Who loved Me"? No.
It was Terry.
I gave him the tape.
I'm really Sorry.
I really wanted to see "America's Strongest Man".
Now you've got "Norfolk's Maddest Man"! I wanted to watch Roger Moore necking with Fiona Fullerrton.
Instead I've got a giant Michael Bolton lookalike throwing an oven over hay bales! "The Spy Who loved Me" is a brilliant film.
It begin in forest in Germany It's Austria!.
- What's the one with the laser beam? - "Goldfinger"! What's the one with the volcano that opens up and there's all Chinkies jumping down? - Isn't that "Thunderball"? - No! Stop getting Bond wrong! I'll tell you about "The Spy Who loved Me".
All do that.
I'm Roger Moore.
Bang! Blood dribbles down.
We're on a submarine.
Two sailors have a game of chess.
The cups start wobbling.
Then the man who used to be in "The Onedin line" says, "What's going on?" Yeah.
Stop that now.
Then he looks through the periscope.
The submarine's being eaten by a giant tanker.
Then we cut to Moscow.
There's a Russian man - with eyebrows - on the phone going, "A whole submarine? You're joking? "I'll have to tell some other Russians.
" Then it cuts to James - Roger Moore - and, yes, he's with a lady.
He's necking with her.
He says, "I've got to go, love.
Something's come up!" He means his cock! Anyway, then he puts on his underpants and his ski suit and he starts skiing.
He's being chased by these Russian shits in black jumpsuits with lemon piping.
They start shooting at him and he goes, "Just stop it!" He turns round and does a backward somersault and lands on his feet.
He's not showing off.
Then he goes over a cliff and he's falling.
And you think, "God, he's going to die!" But then, at the last minute A parachute comes out with a Union Jack on it - Michael! Michael! - That's how it ends.
The end of the beginning goes like this.
# Glang glanga-langa langa langa langa lang # Glang-alang glang-alang alang # Nobody does it better # I'm a naked woman in silhouette with a gun.
# Makes me feel sad for the rest # Nobody does it # Bit of nipple.
# Quite as good as you # Baby, you're the best # Really big bounce right over and I land on my feet.
# I wasn't looking and somehow you found me # Ooh, bit of bush.
# I tried to hide from your love life # Woman swinging on a giant luger.
Ooh! # like heaven above me # Another naked woman on a gun, completely billy bollocks.
# The spy who loved me is keeping all my secrets safe tonight # Then one more big swing, legs go right up What was that? Too late! # Nobody does it half as good as you Baby, you're the best # Brilliant! So do you want to hear some more? Welcome to "America's Strongest Man", Strong.
look.
Go on, lift it.
He's got fingers like Schwarzenegger's arms.