I'm Dying Up Here (2017) s02e03 Episode Script

Bete Noire

1 ADAM: Previously on I'm Dying Up Here How stupid are you? Hey, come on, man.
Is that necessary? Oh! Hey, man, there's no need for that.
Step the fuck back.
Thank you.
I love it.
Want to know a not so little secret? Jesse's not her nephew.
He's her son.
I was I was just wondering if, uh, maybe you'd want to go to dinner with me sometime.
[LAUGHS] Yeah, but just let me write you more material for Carson.
So you saw Girls Are Funny Too, but it doesn't air until this Saturday.
William Morris does its homework.
ANNOUNCER: From Hollywood, California, it's Girls Are Funny Too, starring [MALE ANCHOR] We interrupt your regularly scheduled program for this special report.
The devastation left behind from a category five tornado that landed Minor setback, but let's talk in a day or two.
Okay, great.
Thank you so much.
If you think that's too much to ask, here's 1,000 bucks.
I am finished being put through the wringer while you find new ways to fuck up both our lives.
[JAZZY PERCUSSION] [JOE COCKER'S "FEELIN' ALRIGHT?" PLAYING] [LAUGHS] [LAUGHS] Seems I got to have a change of scene Every night I have the strangest dreams Mmm, I miss that.
It's good to be back in L.
It's nice to get some time away, though.
Nice to have some perspective.
What is the Wink perspective? Is it like the Titanic perspective with fewer lifeboats? Serious.
In Wink you have two options.
Day shift or night shift.
But going back home was a good reminder of why I came out here.
And why this is so important and why I know I'm gonna make it.
Why are you looking at me like that.
Mostly because I love you.
And probably because I'm peeing.
[GIGGLES] Where'd you learn this? Lifeguarding on the Cape.
Did they teach you how to grab a boob? [LAUGHS] Well, the first thing they teach you when someone is drowning is that they try and drag you under.
You'll be out there trying to save them and they'll be strangling you, wrapping their legs around you, trying to take you down.
We'll do anything to survive.
Ah, they're just scared shitless.
Whoa, you feelin' alright Yeah, not feeling that good myself [KEYS JINGLE] [DIAL TONE BEEPING] Amanda? [STATIC CRACKLING SOFTLY] [DIAL TONE CONTINUES] - [CLATTERING] - [GASPS] [SCREAMS] [GLASS SHATTERS] Oh, my God.
[SIGHS] Everything hurts on my body.
Yeah, I'm here.
You mind dropping him off? I do mind.
Come on, Bill.
Let's go, Fuckuardo.
- Thanks, Ralph.
- Mm-hmm.
Crazy motherfucker.
BILL: Hey, asshole.
Grab my bag.
- All right.
- I'll get 'em! Yeah.
Thanks a lot, Ralph.
- In.
- The bags go in.
- In.
- There you go.
There you go.
- [SIGHS] - East on Fountain still the quickest way to get to your place? Uh, yeah.
It's not really my place anymore.
I may have neglected to pay the rent.
Then is there a particular park that you'd like to sleep in tonight? Fuck me.
[ENGINE TURNS OVER] [INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER] I I really didn't get a good look.
He ran by so fast that he Best thing we can do right now is make a list of what's missing.
[EXHALES SHARPLY] Just the cash.
Grocery money or Oh, it was a little less than $10,000.
Yeah, and, no, no It was not in an envelope on my nightstand, marked "my rainy day fund.
" No, it was tucked away.
It was Maybe he was just lucky or Is there anybody else who knows where you hid your money? Ma'am? Oh, it's nothing.
I have a daughter.
She's a pain in the ass, not a thief.
Do you know where we can find her, check it out? Mm.
Mind if we look inside? Yes, please do.
You know I've been in a shooting gallery for heroin but never one for masturbation.
That's funny.
You got a plan? Plan.
Ooh, plan.
I am sleeping on Bill Hobb's couch.
What part of that sentence makes you think I plan? Hey, hey.
One second, Hobo Nick.
What? There's rules at this men's shelter.
Can you make it brief? Because that picture of your mother's giving me blue balls.
Yeah, well First off, you can't just sit on the couch.
Okay, you have to be invited.
You know, like I was on Carson.
- Remember that? - Oh, my God.
- Remember? - You are just gonna dine out on that forever, aren't you? No, no, I'll mix it up.
Occasionally it'll be about me having a home, a car, and then I'll throw in the fact that I'm not an IV drug user like you.
I just want to keep this relationship nice and fresh, Nick.
Why do I make you so insecure? Maybe I'm overcompensating, Nick.
For the fact that my cock is bigger than yours.
If your mother loved you just a little bit more, I would be asleep right now.
There's a jizz blanket and a jizz pillow in that closet, and breakfast is whenever you wake up.
Just walk down the street and buy it.
Hey, Bill.
It's cool.
Do me a favor.
We're not on the road anymore, Nick.
Jesus, Ron.
Close your robe.
[ADAM] Man, put that shit away.
[LAUGHS] Your dick looks like a character from Doonesbury.
Getting tired of these early morning calls, man.
It's really wearing on me.
A, it's noon; B, I'm not sure it's the early morning calls as much as it is the early morning call girls.
They are not call girls.
Okay? They're extras.
They've still got another year or two of dashed hopes before crossing that finish line.
Hey, Ron, I want to take Gloria to this place, but I can't get reservations.
Think you can throw around some Benny weight for me? Yeah, man, of course.
I'll call and make the reservation.
Uh, what time is the early bird special? Four or five? Ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Okay, I get it.
Gloria's older.
So what? All right, she's beautiful, she's cool, and she's twice as smart as everybody I've ever met.
Sure, she's twice as everything.
She's like two 25-year-olds.
- [RON GIGGLES] - I expected better from you.
Not comedically.
Comedically you're exactly where I had you slotted.
That's just because I'm saving up my best material for Roy's Tonight Show appearance.
Getting out the notebook.
Oh, no, no, no.
Let the man tell his jokes.
Life is good.
I just performed in Africa.
My manager called me after the show and asked, "Did you click with the audience?" I said, "What are you crazy?" I can't learn a language that fast.
" It's Africa.
That language with the noises.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Clicks and stuff.
Yeah, I know.
Pearls before swine.
Not everybody reads National Geographic, Eddie.
Sammy says, "My friend told me cocaine makes him paranoid", gives him the sniffles, and he can't stop talking.
"I told him you're not getting high; you're getting Jewish.
" - [MEN GRUNT SOFTLY] - Not so much.
Sammy says, "Last Sunday I went to a black church", and I mean really black.
"The communion wafers were menthol.
" [LAUGHTER] Is that yours, Ralph? No, mine was the Jewish joke you shit on.
I didn't shit on it.
It wasn't funny.
Oh, but the six other black jokes, those were hilarious.
Hey, you want to be the one who says what's funny? You create your own show.
Look, I'm just saying, last month we had Burt Reynolds on.
All the jokes weren't about him being white.
RALPH: Sammy is a great singer, dancer, entertainer, ladies' man.
There's more to him than just being black.
Five of these six black jokes are yours.
So save the raised fist.
REUBEN: We shoot in three days.
- Hey.
Is Bob ready? Oh, I'm sorry.
Bob just got pulled into an emergency meeting.
Can we reschedule? Oh.
This is a rescheduled meeting.
It's it's actually our second rescheduled meeting.
Yeah, Bob's gonna call you.
Pilot season.
Things are just a little crazy here right now.
- Right.
- Yeah.
Well, I-I look forward to our next glass of water.
[LAUGHS] Sorry.
- It's okay.
It's okay.
- Yeah.
Bye, guys.
Have a great day.
[CHUCKLES] [INDISTINCT CHATTER] [THUD] What the what are you doing? Sorry.
Goldie? Who are you? Dawn Lima? I just got in town.
Look, sorry, Goldie, but you got some deaf motherfuckers working for you.
I was knocking on that door forever.
And they wouldn't let me into the coffee shop across the street to use the ladies' room.
All right, okay, I got it.
Yeah, Mickey Sherman called.
He told me not to put you up.
Why is that? He's an asshole? He told me you had no gratitude.
Which I took to mean you wouldn't fuck him.
[SCOFFS] Shit.
Pretty fuckin' simple.
Never is, though.
Where else you go up? Everywhere in the East Coast.
Um, Playboy clubs.
Chitlin' Circuit.
I sat at the knee of Lawanda Page for a spell.
Yeah, she called too.
Come back tonight.
I'll put you up.
- All right.
- Oh, and for future, there's a gas station about a half a block down that way.
- Good to know.
- Uh-huh.
EDGAR: So your regular comic fell out, and you need a new one.
If I had a nickel for every time that happened Oh, wait a second, I do, because that's my business.
[CHUCKLES] I'd be happy to get somebody for you.
The fuck you doin'? I'm trying to make some money, that's what.
Anyway, one of my best guys is available.
I got Edgar Martinez.
- [SCOFFS] - Great comic.
And I got somebody else too.
Another guy, he's okay.
He's the opener.
Arnie Brown.
You good with queers? I'm joking.
Well, I might be able to get both guys.
For A hundred bucks.
Will do.
They'll see you tonight.
The Lookout.
9:00 p.
San Diego.
Hundred bucks.
You're fuckin' welcome.
Fuckin' A, man! I got my eye on some pony colored suede seat covers for my 'stang for months now.
- Why do you do that? - Why do I do what? I mean, just once I'd like to have a conversation where it didn't end with me feeling overwhelming pity for you.
Hey, shit stain, what about Goldie? She finds out we booked ourselves somewhere else, from her club no less? Okay, that's the beauty of this operation.
We didn't book us.
Mort did.
Right? I don't know.
What are you looking around for? She's not fucking invisible.
All right? After the gig, Mort's dead.
We get the 100 bucks, we call it a day.
- Harold Baker has the flu.
- [GROANS] Now can you think of anyone that can play Santa at the church fair? [KNOCK] It's Benny time.
Wait, wait.
Wait, Ron.
You're late on the cue again.
Are you okay? You look wiped.
A little tired.
Yeah, why don't you grab a cup of coffee and we'll go again.
Okay, hey, let's take ten, everyone.
- MAN: Actors back in ten.
- Sorry.
- [BELL RINGS] - MAN: That's right, take ten.
Late night, buddy? Ooh, yeah, yeah.
MC'd at Goldie's, and then Canter's, then a couple strip clubs and then I ended up at a cock fight.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
Hey, y-you see this? - Mm.
- All this? All this has family.
Say that with me.
- Family.
- No, man, don't say it.
I'm being condescending to make a point.
- Oh, sorry.
- All right? This show, our show, feeds those families, you dig? Yeah.
Now learn your motherfuckin' lines for the network run-through so we can all keep eating.
You got it? That was brutal.
Rene's pep talks.
Not the call to arms he thinks they are.
I hear you.
Well, let me know if you want my help.
[SNICKERS] How would you help? I got something you might find a little peppier than coffee.
MAN: Because there was a minor present, it's actually a felony.
With a felony, you could be looking at jail time.
But after talking with the arresting officer and a judge, I think I worked something out.
Oh, goody.
How about you shutting up and listening? They want an apology.
You pay a $500 fine.
Do that, everything's honkey dory.
[LAUGHS] Here's my apology.
They can go fuck themselves.
That guy almost broke his kid's arm.
I called him out.
I'm the good guy.
Wh-you think that's what this is about? You being a good guy? Look, I'm from there.
You're not a hero.
You're just a condescending prick from Hollywood telling them why they're not good enough.
If you're looking at me because you think I'm on your side, look away.
GUNTON: It's the best I can do.
Take it or leave it.
[SCOFFS] Let me know what Lenny Bruce decides.
GOLDIE: We'll do that, Dick.
Thank you so much for coming by, your hard work and everything.
Thank you.
- [MURMURS INDISTINCTLY] - Good seeing you.
Mm, best to the family, huh? Ball's in your court, Nick.
I am not a crusader.
That's not what this is.
You got your favor.
Do what you will with it.
[SIGHS] [BELL RINGS] Well, Harold Barker has the flu.
Then who's gonna play Santa for the children? [KNOCK ON DOOR] It's B Benny time! [LAUGHTER] RENE: Hey, Benny, what are you doing Christmas Eve? - Because we have a situation - Oh, what I do every year.
A few of us bachelor mailmen get together, you know, drink a little schnapps, read children's letters to Santa from the dead letter department, and then just take turns shaking hands - underneath the mistletoe.
- Hold up.
Hold up.
Hold up.
A second? Ernie, what's going on? They're they're Look at 'em laughing.
That's a fantastic take.
- No, no, it's great, Ron.
- And it's killing.
It's great.
We just need you to take it down a little bit.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
How little? Not much.
Just, like, a hundred percent.
Okay, you got it.
All right, everybody, from the top! [DOOR SLAMS] EDDIE: When Johnny asks, "What's it like to be back in L.
, Roy?" I was thinking you could say All right.
Let's see.
"I wouldn't know.
You booked me a hotel out in Torrance.
" Cute.
"I'm not sure yet.
Ask me again when the pills kick in.
" Funny.
" I got invited to the Play-girl Mansion.
"I like my bunnies without the carrots.
" Should be "without carrots.
" It's funny, but that'll get Carson's panties all in a bunch.
So let's go with A and B.
Torrance and pills it is.
So? How you feel? You excited? Oh, Christ, kid, I've seen this picture before.
Yeah, but it's Carson.
I mean Still means something.
I'd be pissing myself.
What, you want me to tell you a bedtime story? No.
I'm just Just wondering what it feels like.
It feels like [GASPS] [LAUGHS] Wow.
Sort of like that.
[LAUGHS] What the hell did you do that for? Will you lighten up? Huh? You're gonna have a fuckin' heart attack before you lose your virginity.
Look, you want me to be honest? I don't remember what anything feels like anymore.
Shit blurs.
You know? Yeah, but, I mean, not seminal shit, right? Shit blurs.
All of it.
Seminal? What? My mother died ten years ago.
I took the red-eye out the night before her funeral, I buried her, and I did two shows that night at the Flamingo, and I don't remember shit.
You mean that's the kind of fucking seminal you're talking about? Oh, God.
Oh, Eddie, what am I gonna do with you? You're too fuckin' eager.
[SCOFFS] They're gonna be able to see your asshole from space before they're done with you.
Compromises are coming your way, boychick.
If you hate it so much, why don't you just fucking quit? Let's get the fuck outta here.
I know you can keep a secret.
Yeah, you know I know how to keep my mouth closed.
I have not told the others yet.
Roy Martin and I are opening another Goldie's.
In Santa Monica.
I'm telling you because Roy's gonna headline for the first month or so, get the place up and running, and I want you to open for him.
Then when Roy hits the road, I will find someone to open for you.
Once you are headlining, we'll cut you in.
- Half the door.
- What? - That - [LAUGHS] Goldie, that's And you've already done so much for me.
- Thank you.
- Pleasure.
- [LAUGHS] - That's good.
Ah, that's the good stuff.
Hey, uh, can I ask you something? Always.
So if a guy wanted to take you out on a date, where would you want to go? Is this a bit? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's a a bit.
Just something I'm working on.
- Chasen's.
- Hmm.
That's, uh That's the spot where movie stars go.
I want to impress this girl, but It's on me.
Hmm? Give me a time.
I'll set it up.
What really? No, no, no.
Goldie, I can't ask you to do that.
- That's - I know you can't.
Why the fuck you think I'm doing it? - Right on! Yeah! - Ha ha! Thank you.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] RALPH: Oh, look, he just ordered another nonconsensual sex on the beach.
[LAUGHTER] DAWN: Jesus, I know without you, I can do nothing.
But with your strength, I can do it all.
If there's such a thing as fresh from Philly, but give it up for Ms.
Dawn Lima! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [CLACK] [FEEDBACK RINGS] I fucked a bum today.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER] Anybody out here ever fuck a bum? It ain't nothing to be ashamed of.
I like bums.
They grateful.
A fuck and a sandwich for a bum, that's like Bum Disneyland.
I'm serious.
If you fuck a bum and then give him a sandwich, you set for life.
That bum will take a motherfucking bullet for your ass.
Pussy and a sandwich is like what a bum pictures heaven to be like.
Talking about [GRUNTING] Oh, man.
Oh, man! Who the fuck is that? Just got in from Philly.
Dawn something.
[WHIMPERING] Oh, man! Fucking and a sandwich! I should've drank myself to death years ago.
Oh! [LAUGHS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Now, blowing a bum, now that's just wrong.
Even a bum will tell you that's fucked up.
But if you do fuck a bum, give him a sandwich, and then blow him? Shit.
That bum don't even believe in Jesus no more.
It's just you.
Jesus could walk up to try to talk to you and the bum will be like [GRUNTING] And take off that crown of thorns.
You in the presence of a lady.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [LAUGHTER] ADAM: Hey, man, that girl burned that place to the fuckin' ground tonight.
I mean, where do you go from bum fucking? Eddie, apparently.
[LAUGHTER] I thought she was so great.
Well, needless to say, you're funny too.
I know.
[CHUCKLES] Did anyone say I wasn't? Oh, boy.
No, that's the point.
Nobody would say that.
So then why'd you think you had to say it? EDDIE: I didn't think I had to say it, and I did say "needless to say.
" Yeah, but you said it.
BILL: Just roll over.
Let her feast on your entrails, Eddie.
It's like watching a guillotine in slow motion.
Thank you.
Oh, my God! Hey! Oh, wow, you're cutting your own hair now.
[LAUGHTER] Jesus Christ! That shit tonight, shit was crazy, girl.
That was the game plan.
Did you really fuck a bum? I don't know, do you really deliver mail? BILL: Give it six months.
EDDIE: He does! How do you guys know each other? We worked together at the Playboy Club.
We worked, played, did a little of everything in Chicago.
- BILL: Oh, shit.
- EDDIE: Oh, good for you.
You really did fuck a bum.
[LAUGHTER] What brings you out RON: You know, I, uh, I almost slept with a black woman.
What happened? She couldn't break a twenty? [LAUGHTER] RON: No, she She had her chance.
ADAM: That's good.
[FUNK MUSIC] Hey! Dawn! You know this a dangerous neighborhood, right? I know.
I live here.
Yeah, near me.
Come on.
I'ma give you a ride.
All right.
God damn, Cleopatra.
Go beat somebody's ass with that pipe.
[TIRES SQUEAL] Really shook the place up tonight.
I've been hearing.
Ain't no Carson in there, but funny as hell.
Ain't no Carson anyway.
A black woman whose name's not Mabley? I ain't exactly holding my breath.
What brings you to L.
? There's a comedy gold rush on.
Haven't you heard? Yeah.
Family? Here and there.
You? L.
and thereabout.
Used to live around here.
This neighborhood? Used to be all white, believe it or not.
My parents were original blockbusters.
Real estate speculators.
You know, they'd buy a home in a white area, sell it to a black family, then buy up the remaining homes from the whites trying to get the fuck out of there before the niggas came.
Pay jack shit, then sell it to a black family for a huge markup.
Now, that sounds about right.
There ain't a fair fight to be had anywhere.
[PHONE RINGS] [RINGING CONTINUES] Hello? SID: Burning the midnight oil? It's, like, 3:00 in the morning; how'd you know I was here? I tried the house.
Where the hell else would you be? Out dancing? Hey, little fun fact.
Got a visit from the LAPD today.
They were looking for Amanda.
GOLDIE: And? They were following up a lead, Gold.
From her mother.
Is that supposed to sting, Sid? Your own daughter, Gold? Is that who you think she is? That she'd rob you? That you'd go there? You're pathetic.
Not like I'm pathetic.
Like Like McTeague's wife.
Spreading gold coins on her bed, rolling around in 'em, while your daughter lives on the street.
She left, Gold.
That's why you called the police, isn't it? That's why you sent 'em looking for her.
Because she left you.
She left you.
Someday we'll all be in jail.
Till then, I wouldn't be waiting by the mailbox Mother's Day.
If I were you.
You're drunk, Sid.
So you know it's all true.
Pleasant dreams, sweetheart.
Pleasant dreams.
How'd you find me? Tell yourself otherwise, but I suspect it's because you wanted to be found.
What do you want, Daddy? Just see you is all.
You are still my daughter.
I thought you said good-bye to her two years ago.
You see, we serve the flesh and blood at the peril of the soul.
You don't think I've been where you are? That I don't know torment? You are my torment.
I have as much soul as anybody.
More, even.
Go home, Daddy.
I don't want your money.
That's for the flesh and blood.
Yes, hi.
I was calling to see if there were any messages for Cassie Feder? WOMAN: Good afternoon, Ms.
Yes, you have three messages.
Joseph Teagarden from Hollywood Talent called to reschedule your meeting on Friday.
He has a client emergency he needs to handle.
Got it.
Wally Kent from William Morris is going out of town on a family emergency and will call to reschedule.
And David Barron cancelled.
An unspecified emergency came up.
Well, we've really run the gamut on agent emergencies.
Who knew they were so prone to crisis? Maybe I should just call 911 to get a hold of 'em.
[CHUCKLES] Hello? I'm still here, dear.
Oh, okay, 'cause I just didn't Yep.
I didn't hear you s Okay.
Thank you.
Anything? Apparently everyone's in varying states of emergency.
Oh, shit.
It's okay.
It's just rescheduling.
It's not the end of the world.
Your stuff is gonna kill tonight.
Yeah, you'd think it was me going up there.
Well, they're your jokes.
Some of them.
[CLEARS THROAT] Most of them.
[EXHALES SHARPLY] Ah, fuck, my stomach is sweating.
[EXHALES] What if this is as close as I ever get to Carson? Eddie.
All my eggs are in this basket.
I'm 29 years old.
Wait tables and tell jokes at a Polish deli in the Valley.
You know I was gonna be a history teacher? [SIGHS] It's gonna be okay.
[SNORTS] So? What do you think? Oh, wow.
Are you planning to eat off the top of her head? What? Platforms are the style.
What are you talking about? Oh, can I borrow your car, man? Yeah, yeah, sure.
Keys are out there.
Do you want a bump? I hear some of these bingo games go pretty late, like, 10:00, 10:15.
Look, the woman swims a hundred laps a day.
You almost pulled a muscle trying to get the cereal this morning, so shut the fuck up.
I hadn't stretched.
Hey, Gloria.
Oh okay.
Work is work.
Ah, yeah, for sure.
Another time.
All right.
Oh, no.
What happened? Let me guess.
That glass of warm milk's really kicking her ass, huh? Fuck you.
All right? [RON CHUCKLES] I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Eddie's coming over.
We're gonna watch his de facto Tonight Show appearance.
Why don't you take a knee, pull up a line? We'll make a night of it.
I can call some girls.
I ain't in the mood.
I'll just try to go to Goldie's and go up.
Clear my head.
Thank you, though.
- All right, man.
- I'll catch you, though.
I'll be here.
[SNORTS] [SCOFFS] Fuck, those shoes are awesome.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - Thank you.
Great chair, Johnny.
Does it come in an adult size? Hmm? EDDIE: Edward G.
Robinson? Close.
Karl Malden.
ROY: Good to see you, Johnny.
Um, sorry, Helen.
I'm just gonna watch the television now.
JOHNNY: And you're back in Los Angeles.
How is that for you? ROY: Well, actually, I wouldn't know because you booked me a motel in Torrance.
- JOHNNY: I-I - ROY: Thank you for that.
ROY: But actually on the plus side, the asphalt is beautiful this time of year.
- [LAUGHTER] - JOHNNY: So I hear.
Is there a difference between the Las Vegas comedy audience and L.
's? ROY: Well, there's a lot less crime.
The L.
crowd, well, they're like a game of craps.
- Craps? - You know, they're fun, they're loud, they're explosive.
Where a Vegas crowd is more like slots, right? Tight, cheap, and so old you'd be lucky to find three cherries.
[LAUGHTER] Yes! I made Johnny Carson laugh! I made Johnny laugh.
That joke should go well with my Rat Pack potatoes.
- Yeah.
- [LAUGHS] JOHNNY: Ah, you're gonna have to look hard.
[ROY] Yeah, no kidding.
What are you loading up on those things for? You got dinner at Chasen's at, what, less than an hour? It's not happening.
She cancelled on me.
What happened? Work.
At least that's what she said.
Well, people gotta work, baby.
Yeah, I guess.
Don't do that.
Do what? Give away your power like that.
Say it is rejection.
That's their bullshit.
You can't buy into their definition of what makes you you.
That's a long, dark fucking well to fall down.
So what you're saying, I'm just supposed to be cool with it? Damn straight.
Either way, both long fucking wells to fall down into.
[LAUGHS] Hey, would you mind slowing down? You want to get us killed before your jokes air? [CHUCKLES] Sorry.
So was it everything you dreamed? [SIGHS] More, I think.
Make sure you celebrate.
Oh, I will.
Don't wait.
Otherwise it'll be next time.
Right? Next time I get asked to the couch or have my own show or get an Emmy.
Trust me, kid.
Next time and never, they run neck and neck.
Yeah, I think I'll, uh, maybe go out and grab a bite to eat with a few friends.
That's not celebrating.
That's being entertained.
It's passive.
It's like sitting in a tub of your own fat.
Celebration is action.
It's it's taking in the whole of all the shit you had to eat.
It says, "Fuck you, I beat you.
" I beat you.
" You understand? It's like a A victory lap around everyone who ever shook their head when you weren't looking.
So you're telling me I should, uh, celebrate Carson by saying "fuck you" to people? You don't celebrate Carson, you idiot.
Carson's a thing.
You're celebrating you.
The gift of success is now you can love your hardship.
I may not remember much about my Carson appearances, but I remember every injury that got me there.
Well, maybe I should go back to Boston and do a lap around my mother.
Good one, kid.
[LAUGHTER] What a blast! It was fun.
Good show.
- Yeah.
- Great show.
All right.
My cousin has a club in Palm Springs.
Take his card.
I will tell Mort to expect your call about booking us again next Thursday.
All people used to want to hear was music.
Now they want to hear comedy.
The world gets weird and scary, the everyman wants to laugh, wants to forget about the wars and the lies Okay, take care of yourselves.
To Mort, long may he live.
To Mort! To Mort.
To Mort.
Hey, I got a couple of great comics for you.
It's good to see Mr.
and Mrs.
Shaft showed up.
Thank you so much for coming out.
Two bad mother Shut it down tonight.
I bet he shut down the restaurant.
Look at how husky this boy is, huh? What would you bet? Linebacker? Half-backer? All the backers? [LAUGHTER] Yeah, thank you for coming out, Mr.
and Mrs.
I appreciate you, man.
Shaft better buckle in.
That's a heavy boy, ma'am.
What can I do ya? You are not gonna believe the shit I just heard.
So it seems there's some complicated motherfucker, all full of piss and vinegar, and he's in some deep shit.
But he won't get out of his own way to make things right with the law.
[SCOFFS] Sounds like a fucking asshole.
[CHUCKLES] But hold up, 'cause it gets crazier.
All this cat has to do is say sorry and he won't do it again, it all goes away.
Just like that? Just like that.
No jail.
Free and clear.
I mean, he can go on to doing whatever he was doing, not a care in the world.
Let me guess.
He won't.
And here's the really crazy part.
He shouldn't.
'Cause that's who he is.
And that's what people love about him.
More importantly, it's what he loves about himself, even though he don't know it yet.
[SOFT PIANO MUSIC] And if he gives up that thing that makes him love that part of himself, that he thinks makes him so unlovable, so unworthy of love, then that motherfucker's lost forever.
So I say fuck 'em all.
And he should stick to his guns.
[CHUCKLES] You know what, first dates in L.
should be called pilots.
'Cause nine out of ten of 'em get canceled, all right? This is the only city where a woman can call and cancel on you while you getting out the shower.
Okay? You hanging up the phone in a towel like, "I just washed my whole ass for no reason.
" This is why I love women from the South, all right.
Southern women, they never cancel on you.
Fuck that.
Woman will show up to the restaurant, covered in blood, knife stabbed in her chest and everything, saying shit like, "I'm so sorry that I'm late, okay?" Please say that you ordered without me.
" Fucking love Southern women.
It's like in L.
"I would love to go out on a date with you" just means, "Yeah, look at this stupid motherfucker here, mm-hmm.
" Yeah, let me see if I can crush your spirit.
Yeah, you smiling now, you beautiful bastard.
Let's see if you smiling when you got shampoo in your hair "and I call and cancel on your ass.
" I think that's probably why God asked Noah to build the ark, okay? A man.
Don't get sensitive.
A man.
All right? 'Cause he knew that if he asked a woman from L.
, she'd probably say yeah and then call him and cancel 20 minutes before it started to rain.
You'd just have a bunch of drowned animals and a few people clinging to a soggy piece of wood.
Just cold as a motherfucker.
But to be fair, like, God didn't even the balls to ask a woman to do any of this Noah shit, okay? Woman would be standing there, thinking, "Wait a minute.
" Wait, girl.
Shut up.
Did he just ask me to build a boat? What kind of god just gonna pop some shit out like that last minute? No, no, no, 'cause if he was the all-seeing god, "he would know that I got shit to do this weekend.
" [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] Checking out the talent, huh? In a manner of speaking.
Well, your future awaits.
- Well, he is why I'm here.
- Wh Yeah, I wanted to talk about the record business, and we had dinner plans and I had to cancel.
So but I got out a little earlier than I thought.
Ask a man to do some shit like that, okay? I don't think dinner and business advice is all he had in mind, huh? [LAUGHS] It's okay.
Neither did I.
Fellas, if I'm wrong, you can correct me.
He's a little green, no? Neither of us were kids at his age.
She gonna say, "Okay.
" - [LAUGHS] It's okay.
- I got it.
[INHALING SHARPLY] So we're calling you on this big-ass boat.
Look, that's my time, y'all.
Don't worry.
I wouldn't be here if I didn't see the special in him.
He is special.
Stay beautiful, baby! - So good to see you.
- You too.
There's Adam Proteau.
Thought you were working.
Mm, I finished early.
I had thirty dates to cancel, and I was building an ark, so You still hate women? Nah.
You all right.
We had dinner reservations for Chasen's, but pfff, you know.
You know what, Mel's is still open.
I could do a cheeseburger.
Good, 'cause you're paying.
I just gave you a whole lot of new material.
Oh, oh.
I'm with that.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [SOMBER MUSIC] CASSIE: You sure he's asleep? Hmm, conked out.
Him and his friend Luke went swimming down at Little Sandy's pond.
CASSIE: Remember how we used to sit on the dock and let the little fishies bite at our toes? It's kind of a creepy feeling.
[LAUGHS] You sure you can't wake him up? You okay? Why wouldn't I be? Had a bad week? I get it.
You couldn't possibly get it.
What do you want me to say, Cass? You're sorry.
Sorry? [SCOFFS] For what? Hmm? You're saying you wish you married Rowley Cotton? Lived in that little yellow shithole he owns with this 442 car engine dangling from a chain on a tree out front? You were 17 and pregnant and you hated this place.
[TEARFULLY] I was 17.
Why did you take him? Why didn't you help me? Oh, Cass.
What you need to realize is as soon as Jesse was born, it wasn't about you anymore.
Go to bed, Cassie.
[DAVID BOWIE'S "ALL THE YOUNG DUDES" PLAYING] EDDIE: So then he did the joke about how his love life is going great according to Hollywood's top divorce lawyer and how the lawyer's glad Roy is dating again because he's having a pool put in.
[LAUGHS] First part is Roy's; the pool part is mine.
There you go.
Fuck, man.
You made Carson laugh.
I mean, I didn't.
But, I mean, I kinda did.
[SNICKERS] Fucking surreal.
- Yeah.
- Just surreal.
Well, the show's not on for a while.
Let's go celebrate, huh? You name the place.
We're using Benny bucks, so money's no object.
Call Cassie.
We'll make it for three.
Yeah, she's not feeling well.
- That's a shame.
- It'll just be us.
Yeah, I know you're upset.
You're disappointed.
Come on.
Let me buy you dinner.
You pick the spot.
All right.
Think I know where I want to go.
Well, I hear you got robbed.
The serial killer who works for you told me.
Fucking Arnie.
He's got a big mouth.
Caught you on Carson.
It's funny.
Well, all grist for the mill.
So I can get you something to eat.
- Look at that.
- Wuh-huh.
[LAUGHS] I'll get you I'll get you a drink then.
- Here.
Hold on.
- Whoa.
- What about that? - Oh! You got any entertainment in there? Well, Neil Diamond cried like a bitch when I stuffed him in the bag.
- So I brought this.
- Oh-ooh.
I'll get silverware and stuff.
All right.
[BOTH SIGH] Why do you think stolen food tastes so much better than when you pay for it? Ah, must be the body sweat.
By the way, kudos on clean-snatching that whole box of Slim Jims right under the cashier's lazy eye.
I know, I think it was just because he was so dazzled by your celebrity.
Yeah, he really was.
I mean, I could tell by the way he was looking at me.
Or the magazine rack.
You know, it's hard to tell with the lazy eye.
To the funniest fuck I know.
And to the runner-up.
Two in a row.
I never have this kind of luck in Vegas.
Ah, spoken like a true degenerate.
[LAUGHS] It's true.
You know, my place was robbed there.
I never went back to it.
The odds of it happening a second time are, like, a billion to one.
That's why you're such a bad gambler.
It's one of the reasons.
[LAUGHS] What? It's nothing.
Got something on your mind, just say it.
I wish I'd never mentioned Amanda to that police.
It [SIGHS] They called Sid.
Sid called me and, Christ, he went to town on it.
Oh, fuck Sid.
I've had funnier surgeries.
[LAUGHS] I sort of kind of wish it was her.
Amanda will come around.
She will.
How many "eventually" s do you think we get in life before we realize that what's in front of us is it? Okay, are you done with the pep talk, Sylvia Plath? Because, uh, I have a third game to win, please.
[BOTH LAUGH] Oh, I think I've got to call it a night.
Would you mind if I, uh, stick around a bit? You crash, and I'll, uh I'll let myself out in a while.
How's that? Okay.
Thank you.
- Good night.
- Thanks for the chicken.
I thought you weren't feeling well.
I rallied.
You all right? You were funny tonight.
Sorry I couldn't be there.
I missed you.
What's going on? [BOTH MOANING] Shit.
I don't have a rubber.
That's okay.
You can just pull out.
REUBEN: Here's one for the country club sketch.
Sammy's a bartender.
Uh, he's making a cocktail for Cher.
They banter.
Blah, blah, blah.
Cher says she'd do anything for a black Russian.
Sammy says, [RUSSIAN ACCENT] "Let us start with dinner at my place, no?" [LAUGHTER] It's [LAUGHTER] [SOFT LAUGHTER CONTINUES] [LAUGHTER FADES] [LAUGHING] I guess Ralph likes it.
[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY] Black Russian! [LAUGHING] [FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING] What're you drinking? Seven and seven.
Two of these, please.
We're gonna have to stop.
No, baby, it's okay.
It's okay.
[BOTH MOANING] It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.