I'm Dying Up Here (2017) s02e05 Episode Script
Heroes and Villians
1 [BILL.]
Previously, on I'm Dying Up Here: Why are you looking at me like that? Mostly because I love you.
- What do you want? - You were there for me in Wink.
It's about three brothers who own a family restaurant in Compton.
Three brothers? It's funny, it's edgy, it has heart.
- Guy's such a dick.
- [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
I think he's broke, so you might want to cut him some slack.
[ROY.]
Would somebody call - the fucking ambulance? - What's wrong? Yeah.
These motherfuckers owe you money.
[RALPH.]
We gonna get that money.
[SCREAMS.]
It's in the safe! I'm Chris Beverly.
I'm Nick's uncle.
It'd be great to catch up.
[ROY.]
You know me, right? I know you.
[JAZZY PERCUSSION.]
[EARLY ROCK MUSIC.]
This time I'm going away this time I'm going to say good-bye I'll see you around someday Be kind when you think of me Because You're to blame, you see You are As long as you can be This time I'll say we're through I mean What I say to you No, no We cannot start anew [ROLLING THUNDER.]
[NICK SIGHS.]
You okay? Um there's coffee.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Last night was, uh I know.
I really do love Eddie.
Yeah.
Between me and him, I'd pick Eddie too.
Hell, between you and Eddie, I'd pick Eddie.
[LAUGHS.]
[TENSE HUM.]
So now what? [LAUGHS.]
Breakfast? [BLUES MUSIC.]
[SNIFFS.]
Fuck Roy Martin.
[RON.]
I'm playing a character.
That that's not me.
That's not Ron Shack.
It's Ron Shack playing a character.
Benny the Mailman is a character.
Like you.
You are a stripper, okay? But if you were acting in a porn, that would be your character having sex, not [SNIFFS.]
uh, what I'm sorry.
What's your fucking name again? Trudy.
Trudy.
Thank you.
It's it's not Trudy, you know, fornicating with a construction worker and his foreman, and then a guy that delivers some food to the construction site after hours.
[RON.]
It's your character, and you shouldn't be judged for what your character does, right? I mean, how is that fair? It's not.
I mean, do you have any idea what it's like to be judged and used and abused and j-just tossed to the side like No, I've been lucky.
[GIGGLES.]
Man.
Stroke.
Poor Fitzy.
Yeah, I talked to Bill this morning.
Severe brain damage.
Still talking about Fitzy, right? [SUCKS TEETH.]
Too early? Mm, I'd give it another hour.
Sorry.
[EDDIE.]
Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho ho-ho-ho! - Hey! - All right! - Now we're talking.
- Okay.
Welcome home.
So, where'd you go last night? Out.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Oh, better get it! Duty calls! [PHONE RINGS.]
- Gah - You got it.
Oop.
[ADAM.]
Think he lost.
Yeah.
Hey, Morris.
Are you Are you serious? Oh, wow, we're gonna need a knife, or something.
Hey, Ron, you got a kn What happened? [EDDIE.]
What happened? What's the matter with you? [CHUCKLES.]
Well, either he got something in his ass, or he got good news.
Jesus, spit it out.
Or push! I got Carson.
- You what? - Motherfucker! Fucking Carson? - [ADAM.]
Oh, yeah! - [EDDIE.]
Are you kidding me? - [EDDIE.]
Are you fucking kidding? - [ADAM.]
That's fucking crazy! [EDDIE.]
Are you kidding me? - [EDDIE.]
Are you kidding me? - [ADAM.]
Yeah! You son of a bitch, come here! - Oh, we need We need drinks.
- Holy shit.
What? Yeah.
They just called for me, and I can't believe it.
It's it's like, your whole- it's like your whole fucking life, you know? - Yeah.
- [RON.]
I mean, I I mean, look at me.
Fucking shaking.
I mean, I was shaking when I came in, but - Wait, so when is it? - Thursday.
- Thursday! - Fucking Thursday.
- Fucking Ron, that is amazing.
- Oh, my God.
Fucking Benny the Mailman strikes again! Carson's legit.
All right! Come on.
W-wait, what do you mean by that? What does that mean? "Benny the Mailman strikes again"? I mean, first fucking Soul Train, now fucking Carson.
Gig's really paying off.
No, no, no, no.
The gig was for one episode, and then Ron Shack made Benny the Mailman a phenomenon, and that's why Ron Shack is being booked on Johnny Carson.
So why is Ron Shack so pissed off? - Because - Yeah, what's the matter, bro? - You got you got Carson.
- No, no.
No, I get it, I get it.
Benny the Mailman's a fucking hack, right? Yeah, that shit's getting old.
Look, I'm sorry that I don't write jokes for a guy whose act is so tired, it's like a bus full of old people with the heater on high, or that I didn't record a fucking album that's getting its ass kicked by the Ohio Players.
- Whoa, whoa.
- I'm sorry you don't find any value in what I do.
Ron, you're taking this the wrong way.
Fuck you, man.
I'm not - a fucking joke, Eddie.
- [EDDIE.]
Ron! - I don't think you're a joke.
- I'm not a fucking joke.
Okay, we know that, man.
Chill! And the Ohio Players are solid, okay? I'm not going to d There's no shame in that.
Listen to me.
We're nothing but happy for you.
Okay? I mean, come on, man.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Just chill out.
- I'm sorry.
- And listen.
If you need some help writing material, I made Johnny laugh once.
Yeah.
And I'm black.
Thank you, but no.
Um I'ma do this on my own.
All right.
You sure? Yeah.
[SLOW JAZZ MUSIC.]
On my way I'm going There's not much going on in your refrigerator there, Gold.
[LAUGHS.]
It's like Doctor Zhivago after the Revolution in there.
I made coffee.
Now I'm going [LAUGHS.]
I'm going Um [LAUGHS.]
If I go Let me go Like you act like you never had a guy show up drunk at your office and dragged him home before.
Definitely could not have just left you at the club, right? Probably should've.
Would you grab a couple plates? Oh, sure.
You know, Roy, last night, you threw me for a little bit of a loop.
Yeah, sorry.
No.
It, um Um Hm? What do you think of these? Roy, are you gonna tell me what's going on? I was drunk.
Okay? And feeling sorry for myself, so let's just Let's just leave it at that, all right? I got eggs.
Uh And I just keep Gold, hey, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
You know? [LAUGHS.]
Roy I adore you.
- I - I-it's okay.
It's okay.
Let's eat.
Let's eat.
[RALPH.]
You didn't have to do this.
Your ass broker than mine.
Ralph, there's a man gonna be jacking off with three fingers for a year.
Least that calls for is donuts.
That shit was for free.
Now, carrying your sorry ass out to the car after you fainted [LAUGHS.]
Okay.
No, you definitely had my back, man.
Hey, back's all we got.
Hey, I ask you another favor? I'm still working on the same motherfucking bite from saying you're welcome for the last one.
All right.
All right, so I I've working on stuff for my second album, right? New material.
And it's a little rough, but be cool to know what you think.
I got you.
Yeah, I know you do, man.
[CASSIE.]
Lorne Michaels.
They're shooting his sketch show for NBC.
They want to do it live out of New York City.
[CASSIE.]
Live? That's ballsy.
Yeah.
They saw a tape of Girls Are Funny Too, and he's coming Thursday night to catch your act.
They want to find people who can do, uh, characters.
Well, characters aren't exactly my strong suit.
Cass, look, I didn't call this guy Michaels.
He called me, looking for you.
Mm? Well, honestly, pretending to be someone else doesn't sound so bad right now.
What the hell's that supposed to mean? Nothing.
[SCOFFS.]
Come on, Cass.
This is good news.
Why you gotta act like there's a fly in your soup? [BLUES MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Damn, Adam.
[CHAMPAGNE POPPING.]
[LAUGHS.]
Get used to that sound, Adam.
It's gonna be raining champagne corks.
That audition for Three Brothers that we made you go out on? [ADAM.]
Uh-huh? It's yours.
$14,000 an episode, over $300,000, courtesy of yours truly [BREATHLESS LAUGH.]
And John, who drove you to the meeting.
You're welcome.
Thank you, yeah.
Right on.
So, we gonna work on this and my second album at the same time? Uh, what do you want, Adam, a hand-job or a blow-job? Come again? Hand-job, blow-job.
Albums are a hand-job.
It's fine.
Everybody likes a nice tug.
I'm not here to jack you off.
I'm here to suck you dry, right, John? Yeah, he's here to suck you.
[BRUCE.]
Thank you.
So why don't we put the album on the back burner and concentrate on making Adam Proteau a household name? You're on the cusp of becoming a serious player, and with money comes power, and with power comes whatever and whoever the fuck you want.
I'm gonna roll some calls! So we good? Still a little thrown off by the "suck me dry" thing.
These are great jokes, Ralph.
Really appreciate you delivering on such short notice.
Come on now, Saul.
How long you known me? Since I was getting that little shit Sonny coffee and you were the new writer.
[LAUGHS.]
You know, you should be writing jokes for comedy.
Please, I got enough headaches.
Why? What's up? NBC is looking to fill the late night slot on Saturday night, where they've been airing Best of Carson.
Why replace it? The ratings are good.
[SAUL.]
Golf.
They air the clip shows on weeknights, Johnny gets to play more golf during the week.
How much golf does a motherfucker play? Have you ever met a 50-year-old white man? Golf is their menopause.
Anyway, the network's looking for the next thing.
The mandate is fresh ideas, young faces, something edgy, subversive.
Then why you producing a show for Bert Convy's sorry ass? Bert believed in me when no one else did.
He's like a mentor to me.
I love that guy.
But say I was open to throwing him under the bus.
What do you got? What I got is just what you looking for.
[CASSIE.]
[NASALLY.]
Oh, hi! I'm your new Bond's girl.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Kitty Kvetch.
- Now listen, James.
I have a little nosh for you before we go if you want it.
A little white fish salad, a little warm champagne Ooh, my favorite.
- But Bonds.
.
- Mm-hm.
If you want, you can nosh on me, because Marty Simkovitz said I tasted like a cross between a knish and some kugel.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
That's really good.
And embarrassing.
It's so embarrassing.
You're like a sexy Jewish mother.
I don't know if I want to screw you or run away from home.
[EDDIE GIGGLING.]
[KISSING NOISES.]
Oh, wait! Nick! Nick, come here for a sec.
Just listen to this for a sec.
I'm just, uh, gonna order something.
No, no, no, wait.
Just just for a sec.
Come here.
Come on, just for a sec.
I'm still trying to figure it out.
- I wouldn't - No, no, no, I know, but you got Nick's like a perfect audience.
Here.
Cassie's, uh, got an audition for a sketch show in New York.
She's doing this thing here.
Wait, it'll take a second.
- Nick's gotta go.
- Two seconds! - Come on.
- All right, okay, okay.
What, is it gonna hurt you to sit down? No, wait, scoot over.
Uh, it's I mean, he told you the bit.
It's it's Jewish Bond girl.
Kitty Kvetch.
[LAUGHS.]
But that's it.
She's going in on it.
- Yeah, but you have to do it! - You're wearing your tuxedo.
You don't don't describe it to him do it! [EDDIE.]
Make believe he's, uh He's Bond, - and touch his hair and - All right, Eddie, Eddie.
Just one Jewish mother at a time, huh? The bit is, like, [ACCENTED.]
Oh, you're wearing a tuxedo.
It's my cousin Rachael's birthda uh, bat mitzvah.
Yeah, but do, like the the-the knish and the cross between - the knish and the thing.
- All right, all right.
It's, um Oh [CLEARS THROAT.]
We have a little nosh if you want it.
Uh What was It was, um - I have some - Marty k Simkovitz.
Um, Simkovitz says I taste like a knish.
I'm I'm It's still a work in progress.
No, but you had it earlier.
I know.
I was working on it.
You had it.
Yeah, you know, I think, uh I think I know what the problem is.
Excuse me.
Oh.
Problem is, uh you got the wrong Bond.
[NICK.]
I'll catch you later.
[BRIGHT LATIN TRUMPET MUSIC.]
[ARNIE.]
You know, dentistry's legal.
You don't have to do this back-alley bullshit anymore.
My uncle Hugo.
In Mexico, he's a respected oral surgeon.
Here, he sells flowers by on-ramps.
Aww.
As much as I love a story of the American dream falling flat on its face, you really want to sit in a garage and take phone calls all day? Unless you want Goldie to catch us working out of her club.
My uncle's doing us a favor.
Let us install this phone, so we can take shifts.
[SCOFFS.]
Take shifts? What are we, cocktail waitresses? You know what your problem is, Arnie? Me? Big picture.
You? Mildly retarded.
You know what your problem is, Manny? - [GRUNTS.]
- Okay, look.
There's two of us, and we're pretty much booked.
So, since we can't be in Pasadena or San Diego on the same night, I'm starting to think we expand our stable.
You really want Goldie to kill us, huh? Not us.
All of this is Mort.
Mort books Bill for $100.
Mort tells Bill it's only $75.
- And then we keep the $25? - Yes.
And then we keep the ten percent that Mort gets on top of that.
Think of all the money we'll make.
Look, I like what it says about us as people, but how are we gonna get them to go along with it? I got a plan for that.
Trust me.
It's foolproof.
[HEART MONITOR BEEPING.]
They say anything new? Uh-uh.
You been here long? Couple hours.
Mm.
[SIGHS.]
Should probably get going.
Gotta pick up Amanda.
[DESOLATE MUSIC.]
She moved in, you know.
Sounds cozy.
Going to the movies.
She wanted to see Lenny, if you can believe it.
[LAUGHTER.]
- We know.
- [LAUGHS.]
You definitely were.
Here you go.
I got this one.
- Okay.
- Yeah, right.
Ain't gonna argue with that.
- Thanks for breakfast, man.
- You're welcome.
Edgar, I'm in a rush.
Can we skip the bullshit and get right - to you forgetting your wallet? - Please.
You do know how a check works, right? This ain't a dream where you pay the check.
This shit is really happening.
It's cool.
I've been making a lot of money doing road work.
As in repairing them? [LAUGHTER.]
I got a new booker.
His name is Mort.
You know, he's got me going back and forth between San Diego, Palm Springs, Pasadena, all out of Goldie's jurisdiction.
Right? I-it's a gold mine.
Look.
- What? - Okay Is that a $100 bill? - [EDDIE.]
Wow.
- Is that Monopoly money? I don't even know who's on those.
This is, uh, his number, if anyone's interested.
Let's see that.
[CASSIE.]
Reminds me of the drug dealing days.
So your booker is named Mort? Give him a call.
You'll see.
[JAZZY PERCUSSION.]
[APPLAUSE.]
Good luck, doll.
Hey, give my best to Donner and Blitzen.
Okay? [LAUGHS.]
A little libation? What are you getting? Oh, Goldie, hold up! Goldie! Beth? Oh, my God! - Hi.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh! - [LAUGHS.]
[GOLDIE.]
You bought her a bong? [ROY.]
Listen, I had to.
She's in college.
She can't roll a joint worth shit.
Am I right? She's always been terrible at it.
What does your mother think of all this? Joyce You on a first name basis now? Well, it's nicer than what she usually calls her.
[LAUGHS.]
How is your mom? [BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
Mom's Mom.
Well, she must have done something right.
You turned out okay.
Some things, I guess.
I suppose we remember what we remember, hm? Gotta do some things in the office.
[ROY.]
Mm-hm.
You are a beautiful girl.
Isn't she? Proud of her.
[BILL.]
Give it up for Cassie Feder.
It was so good seeing you.
You too, sweetie.
If you could stop up at some point, - I need you to sign something.
- Yeah, sure.
Beth is going to leave soon.
She has homework.
Oh, such the taskmaster, hm? [CASSIE.]
Okay, here's what I want - to talk about.
- Bye.
Bond films.
Who likes them? - [CHEERING.]
- [CASSIE.]
Right? [CASSIE.]
Yeah, everybody loves James Bond movies.
Have you ever thought about the Bond girls? You know, they're these beautiful women from these exotic locations.
- They're French and Italian - [WHISTLING.]
They're Polynesian What about a Jew? [LAUGHTER.]
[ACCENTED.]
Oh, hi.
I'm Kitty Kvetch of Bay Ridge.
A Bond girl.
Who would've thought it? [LAUGHTER.]
So you'll let me know? - [BETH.]
Yeah.
- [ROY.]
Okay.
- All right.
- Love you, Dad.
It's just a phase.
[LAUGHS.]
- All right, baby.
- Good-bye.
[CASSIE.]
Now, we're driving around Monte Carlo in this car that goes underwater, shoots bullets out of its tailpipe.
Meanwhile, it's so tiny, there's no room for my pocketbook.
Oh, also, bubbeleh, one more thing.
I invited Dr.
No for my sister Sadie.
I hope you don't mind.
She usually is partial to lawyers, but I bet it would be so nice to have a doctor in the family.
Where are you going? Cuba? Oh, honey, no.
You know that food doesn't agree with me.
Last time, I had that Di-di-rhe-rhe when we got back.
No, I'll switch our tickets for Puerto Vallarta.
The Habischman-Goldsteinbergs go there in the winter, and they said it's so beautiful, you'll just platz.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
That should be the new Bond girl, right? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[LAUGHS.]
You know what? Looking at these blueprints, if we move the stage ten feet, we got more room at the bar.
We can pop in two or three more four-tops.
A little late.
Construction starts Monday.
So we show up Monday and we say, "Hey, gotta move" the the stage ten feet.
" You move the stage, you gotta move everything else.
It's like dominos.
Everything is connected.
Don't you don't understand.
Oh, oh, oh, all right.
Okay, relax.
Okay, render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's.
I got a good idea.
Why don't I do my shtick, and I'll meet you at the register? It really is that easy for you, isn't it? Meaning? Oh, you know.
Like that tap-dancing act you got going on with Beth.
W-w-what does Beth have to do with anything? Buying drinks, slapping backs.
Is that your end of the bargain? I'm sorry.
Are we having the same conversation here? Joyce did all the heavy lifting while you screwed your way - through the Catskills - Oh, please.
- That is horse-shit.
- And then Beth gives you the applause? You have no fucking idea - what I sacrificed.
- So tell me.
If I'm wrong, set me straight, Roy.
Here you go.
Two signatures.
Give me the fucking pen.
Here and here.
Okay, well, see, this is the problem.
Now you think I'm fair game because your daughter doesn't think that the sun rises and sets with you.
That's what this is about.
That's right.
Let's dump them off with the ex-wife, let her raise them.
That's the secret.
Come waltzing in at the end for cake and ice cream.
[UNEASY MUSIC.]
The truth, isn't it? Whose truth? You better be careful with the love affair you're having with the truth.
There's two sides of that coin.
[LAUGHTER.]
Get me a double Scotch two.
[RON.]
Unless she's pregnant which they all are.
Yeah, the entire city of Boston is actually just one big contest between the Irish and the Italians to see who the most fertile is.
So I moved from Tennessee to Boston when I was 15, so I moved from the most polite part of the country to a city where it's proper etiquette to call your dad a queer.
[LAUGHTER.]
[RON.]
First year I move there, I uh I said two.
W-why you bring them one at a time? Roy, we're gonna be at the bar.
Let me know - when you want to leave.
- No, no, no, please, come on and join me.
W-where you going? Hi, I'm Cassie.
We met once, briefly.
Right, right, right.
Come on, I don't bite.
Please, join me.
Drinks are on me.
Come sit down.
- Let's have a drink.
- Just wanna go to the bar Come on, like you have somewhere to go.
Sit! Let's have a drink.
He's gonna make me pay.
This fucking What was Sweetheart, see what my friends want to drink, okay? Must be a three-drink minimum tonight.
Uh, you guys have been fantastic.
I'm Ron Shack.
Thank you so much.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Ronnie! That was so good.
Fucking great job, buddy boy.
The mailman finally delivered.
You know what, Roy? Fuck you.
It sounds like it's Benny time of the month.
All right, guys, come on.
Did you write that for him? Pretty good.
You know, Roy, that actually wasn't my act you heard up there.
It was footsteps.
I'll see you at the house, Eddie.
Relax.
There's a lot of that going around.
[GOLDIE.]
Oh, hey, Ron.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [RON.]
Hey.
- Nice set.
- Oh, thank you.
Yeah, just trying to hone my act for The Tonight Show.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You're going on as a guest, not a stand-up.
I'm I'm sorry.
What are y w-w I'm not gonna do stand-up? No, you're there to plug Watts Local.
I'm sorry.
Your agent should have been clear about that.
Mm, at least you're guaranteed the couch.
Yeah Oh, Ron.
You're an attraction.
There's no shame in that.
- Attraction.
- [GOLDIE.]
Mm.
Yeah, like a two-headed pig at a fair.
Everybody loves a fair.
Hm? Oh, Mitch, you gotta catch this next guy.
Yeah.
[JAZZ MUSIC.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
I'm not here to bother you.
Sitting across from a guy makes it look like I got a full dance card.
I'm getting bad vibes tonight.
[SIGHS.]
Take a load off.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Coffee? Thanks.
Sal, coffee.
Seen you around here the last few nights.
Furrowed brow, guzzling coffee, writing stuff What, you a reporter? [SCOFFS.]
In a manner of speaking.
Ah, okay.
[WOMAN.]
Oh, that's Father Ortiz.
He's here every week.
Whatever turns you on, I guess.
Uh-uh, no.
He's legit.
Nice.
[WOMAN.]
We girls don't get to church often.
Afraid of the eyes of God? Ain't God's eyes.
[NICK.]
So what's his story? [WOMAN.]
No story.
He listens.
And he's not all holier-than-thou and fire-and-brimstone or whatnot.
Then what's he talk about? Like I said, he don't.
He listens.
["USE WHAT YOU GOT" BY SUGAR PIE DESANTO PLAYING.]
I see you looking there Do you dig what you see I know what that lady's thinking She said there ain't much to me I ain't got big hips What's the point of Carson if-if I can't do stand-up? I met Carson.
He was taller than I thought.
Maybe because Ed is so tall, makes Johnny look short.
Have you ever been to a fair? Yeah.
I was in 4-H.
Raised a goat.
He was like my best friend.
Fairs are cool.
Yeah.
They are cool, aren't they? Mm.
You so get me.
Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[ROY.]
Hey, Shaft, let's do another round - [SLURRING.]
- [BARTENDER.]
All right.
That's that's enough.
I think we've What do you mean, that's enough? - I think we had enough.
- Hey, if we were on the beach, I'd be kicking sand in your face.
Okay, when do you go to the beach? Sit down, unless you're already sitting down.
I can never tell with this fucking guy.
Hey, hey.
- [EDDIE.]
Hm.
- [ROY.]
Hello.
How'd you do all this? H-how'd I do all what? This.
How did Roy Martin get to be Roy Martin? Well I legally changed it from Moishe Hitler.
[LAUGHTER.]
- Oh.
- Come on.
I w come on, tell me.
I w I'm gonna be Roy Martin.
- [EDDIE.]
That's disgusting.
- Why would anybody want to fucking be Roy Martin? - This is all great, okay? - Is it? But there's got to be more, right, than me being judged every night by a bunch of schmucks eating chicken wings, right? The fuck she say? Look Right? What do you want me to say? That there's more.
That it was all worth it.
Look, doll, I have balls, but they ain't crystal.
Sorry.
But listen, by all means, if you still want to stare at them - [EDDIE.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I guarantee you, you won't like what you see.
[LAUGHTER.]
[EDDIE.]
Yes, yes, it's very easy, because you're going to get that show - [ROY.]
Oh, here we go.
- [EDDIE.]
in New York.
We're gonna move there.
- Oh, we're gonna - We're gonna live in New York.
We're gonna move there? - And then I'll do the clubs.
- Go-go go sit down.
- Seriously, s-sit.
- And you'll work - on the show - You're scaring the humans.
- And then we're gonna live - Thank you! happily ever after.
- Okay, yeah.
- Just like that, huh? - Just like that.
- Do you hear that? Yes, you'll have a wonderful time.
- Okay.
- Just like that.
Keys! Uh, excuse me? [GURGLES.]
Keys.
- Come on.
- No.
No? No.
[LAUGHS.]
How about I turn you upside-down? Yeah.
Well, you're gonna have to.
- Shake you - Yeah.
to get the fucking keys? - Gimme the keys.
- Well, I'd like to see you try.
I'll pick you up and I'll hit him with you.
You want me to do that? [LAUGHS.]
You better watch out.
- Give me the keys! - I'm not giving you the keys.
Goldie'll kill me.
Who do you work for, hm? You work for Goldie? I'm over here.
You work for Goldie, or me? Eh? I work for you, boss.
Well, now you don't have to deliver papers on Sunday.
Okay, saddle up.
Uh, the car is that way, Moishe.
- Going? - You're a fucking compass now.
That way.
- [EDDIE.]
Oh - [CASSIE.]
We can't do that.
We can't do that back here.
- Okay? - [KISSING SOUND.]
[ROY.]
Hubris! [LAUGHS.]
Sorry.
Uh, Roy, y-you might want to slow down.
It's from the Greeks.
It was a a pride - [EDDIE.]
Jesus.
- and ambition that was so great, it offended the gods.
[ROY.]
And trust me, you do not want to be on the wrong side of those motherfuckers.
I'll show you what, you don't want to be - on the wrong side of.
- I don't know if So Cassie, when are you When are you moving to New York with Eddie? Make it big? It's just an audition.
[ENGINE REVVING.]
Uh, Roy, that was a stop sign right there.
- Was it? - Yeah.
It's an audition? Really? I thought five minutes ago, you two were picking out furniture for your new apartment on the Upper West Side.
- Here we go.
- The fucking arrogance! Can you slow down, please? [OMINOUS MUSIC.]
You two fucking arrogant idiots.
What the fuck, Roy? Slow down, huh? Do you think love conquers all? - [ROY.]
Huh? Because it doesn't.
- [EDDIE.]
What? It obliterates! W-what are you even talking about? Oh, come on.
Cassie gets it.
Don't you, Cassie? [ROY.]
'Cause she already has one foot out the door! - [SCREAMS.]
- Jesus Christ! [TIRES SQUEALING.]
[ROY.]
Go ahead.
Tell him that Eddie's just a big fucking anchor! Come on.
The gods are waiting.
- [TIRES SQUEAL.]
- Roy, please, come on! I have met you.
I see you every morning in the mirror.
You'd gnaw your own arm off just so you could be that thing.
Be what fucking thing? Whatever the fuck that thing is that keeps you running away! [CASSIE.]
I'm not running from anything.
I'm not running away from anything.
[ROY.]
Don't fucking give me your bullshit! Every goddamn asshole comic who ever spit into a Mic - was fucking running away! - [EDDIE.]
Roy, Roy - Roy, just pull the car over.
- Oh, you're such a fucking sap, Eddie.
[ROY.]
Listen to yourself.
A regular fucking Dudley Do-Right.
Think you're gonna find happiness in this fucking business? [ROY.]
There's no happiness, or happy family, or picket fence! You see, the people you love They will kill you, either by making you stay or letting you go.
So you know what you gotta do, Eddie? You gotta open your eyes Open your eyes - And look at her.
- Okay, all right, all right.
And see that there is no room for you - in them! - I love Eddie! - Kiss him.
- What? - [EDDIE.]
Jesus Christ! - [CAR HORN BLARES.]
Roy, Roy, what are you, crazy? If you do love him, you will kiss him, or so help me, Christ, we will be holding hands together on our way to wherever the fuck I'm kissing him! I'm not buying it.
More tongue! Stop the fucking car! You are seeing that the gods do not give with both hands! [ROY.]
Best case scenario: the people you love will fucking forgive you, but they will do it in a way where you can't forgive yourself! - Okay, Roy.
- [ROY.]
And you hating you All right, all right.
- is their leverage! - [EDDIE.]
Roy! Roy! Do you understand? They will play you like a fiddle Look at the road! And you will dance like - you're wearing red shoes! - Stop the fucking car! - Like the two fucking - [CASSIE.]
Fucking stop! - Fucking stop! - That's enough! [BRAKES SQUEAL.]
Okay.
Commitment to the bit.
What? You asked how Roy Martin got to be Roy Martin.
That's how.
[ROY.]
Commitment to the bit.
All right.
What do you say we go to Canter's? I could use a cream soda.
Now you be safe out there, okay? - [WOMAN.]
Thank you, Father.
- [NICK.]
Hey, Wheels.
What is it you think you're doing here? Forgiving people so they have permission to forgive themselves.
Why? What are you doing here? You ever think you're fucking up? Forgiving people who shouldn't be forgiven? Everybody deserves forgiveness.
Mm Lot of sick fucks out there, Father.
What would you propose that I do? [NICK.]
Well, damn them to hell sounds pretty good.
[SPARKS LIGHTER.]
You don't have anything that you would like to be forgiven for? It's a bicycle and a box, not a time machine.
May I ask you something? Do you like who you are? Do I like who I am? I have my moments.
Certain things, maybe Good things? Things that you would hate to lose about yourself? I'm no saint.
Not the point, nor the question.
Sure, yeah.
There's things.
He did that too.
Who, God? Your transgressor.
[EERIE MUSIC.]
Who you are.
Good, bad, what you like, don't like about yourself You are the sum of all those experiences.
Remove any moment, pain or joy, from your life, you erase the best parts of who you are along with them.
So what, I should thank him? No.
Forgive your monsters.
Don't let them have any more.
They've taken enough.
[PYTHON LEE JACKSON'S "IN A BROKEN DREAM" PLAYING.]
Every day, I spend my time Drinking wine, feeling fine Waiting here to find the sign That I can understand Yes I am In the days between the hours Ivory towers, bloody flowers Push their heads into the air I don't care If I ever know There I go Don't push your luck Too far Your wounds won't leave A scar Right now is where You are In a broken dream Oh Don't do this.
I'm sitting in my lonely room Don't push your luck too far [PHONE RINGS.]
You know your wounds Won't even leave a scar [PHONE RINGS.]
Right now Oh.
[PHONE RINGS.]
- Yeah? - [MORRIS.]
Hello, Ron.
- Hope I didn't wake you.
- All right.
[MORRIS.]
Ronny, quick question: Is there any place you're supposed to be right now? Someplace important? Someplace involving your sitcom and a bunch of actors who are sitting around, waiting for you to show up? Something like fucking rehearsal? - [JAZZY PERCUSSION MUSIC.]
- Fuck.
You're gonna write a number down, and you're gonna call a doctor who focuses on people who come dangerously close to losing the only source - of income - [DOORBELL RINGS.]
they may ever see.
He's going to examine you.
Then he's going to send me a note detailing the unimaginable sufferings you've been experiencing, and he'll be paid handsomely for it by you.
Meanwhile, I'll call your employer and explain the situation, after which, we'll exchange pleasantries, and then we'll all agree that this will never happen again.
I sure hope it doesn't, Ron, because I really hate good-byes.
[PHONE RINGS.]
[PHONE LINE TRILLING.]
- [RALPH.]
A sitcom? - [ADAM.]
Yeah.
[ADAM.]
Can you believe it? I'ma be making more than $300,000.
[ADAM.]
Me! [RALPH.]
I surely can.
Seriously? Ah, for fuck's sake! Jesus fucking Christ! I'm sorry.
Congratulations, Adam.
You deserve it.
Just like fucking Ron deserves it, Cassie deserves it, everybody fucking deserves shit in my fucking life! [EDDIE SCREAMS.]
I'm sorry.
If you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna take a couple deep breaths, turn on the gas in the oven, and clean it from the inside.
Kind of veering away from your apology, Eddie.
Mm, just a little bit.
You're right.
Congratulations, Adam.
And fuck the gods! What's in the envelope? Oh, it's nothing.
Some Bert Convy jokes.
Tell me about the show, Hollywood.
Oh, I'm actually glad you asked.
Look, I Any way I can ask for another favor? I mean, I think it's good, but Hey, if there's donuts, no problem.
Cool.
[UPBEAT LATIN MUSIC.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
[ACCENTED.]
Mort's booking.
Mort speaking.
Hey, uh, Mort.
It's Bill Hobbs.
[BIG BAND MUSIC FROM TV.]
[RON.]
So you the stand-up? Yeah.
You're the "Benny time" guy, right? I'm Tommy Gilhardi.
[INDISTINCT SPEECH OVER TV.]
I'm a little bit more than that.
Benny time, I mean.
Way more.
I'm a stand-up, too.
I didn't mean nothing by it.
Yeah, don't sweat it.
Have a good set.
[TOMMY.]
Thanks.
[APPLAUSE.]
[JOHNNY.]
Is it true, uh, you were discovered as a doorman at Goldie's? Yes sir, yeah.
I actually, uh, still do stand-up there regularly.
- [JOHNNY.]
Mm.
- You know, I love TV, but stand-up, that's That's where the real comedy's at.
But you're enjoying your time at Watts Local.
Are you enjoying Watts Local? [LAUGHTER.]
I mean, I'm on the show, and I don't watch it, so I'm enjoying the paycheck.
I'll tell you that much.
[LAUGHTER.]
[RON.]
You know, these sitcoms They're all just kind of stuck in a rut.
- In a rut? - Yeah, yeah.
They're in a rut, and to experience true comedy, real comedy, guy like Me's gotta get up in the clubs.
Wow, yeah.
Mm.
Ron, um, I know you're new at this, but I'm not sure you understand how "come on and talk about the show" - actually works.
- [LAUGHS.]
Okay, everybody.
We're going to commercial.
When we come back, stand-up Tommy Gilhardi will be making his Tonight Show debut, so stick around.
[APPLAUSE.]
[BAND PLAYING SWING MUSIC.]
[QUIETLY.]
At least the last comic who committed suicide on my show had the decency to wait until he left the fucking studio.
[EDGAR.]
One more time for Adam Proteau! Let him hear it.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Adam.
Hey, caught your act.
Ralph is right about you.
You got it.
Ah, thank you.
You one of Ralph's friends? Saul Hudson.
Yeah.
Guy who was gonna produce yours and Ralph's sketch show.
Right.
I get it.
Lots to be said for a bird in the hand.
[EDGAR.]
I think we're all on board, right? I know what you're thinking.
I look like Mr.
Potato Head, face-up.
What does that mean? I don't understand You mind? Are you over 21? [LAUGHS.]
I am so sorry.
I thought about it.
I really couldn't mount much of a defense.
You don't have to, certainly not for me.
Last Mother's Day card I got from Amanda was in crayon.
Regular Mother Machree.
I don't know.
Maybe Amanda's right to hate me.
She doesn't hate you.
Just doesn't know you.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
Same reason Beth loves me.
And you work your whole fucking life sacrifice everything, still come away palms-up.
[SIGHS.]
I'm broke.
Oh I pulled in six figures last year.
I still got a little scratch, but, uh if this club doesn't fucking work Saw your friend Saul tonight.
Ah.
Acquired taste, but he's cool.
[BLUES MUSIC OVER RADIO.]
You read the script? Man, I wanted to hate that shit, but it's good.
It's real good.
Better than your sketch idea? Mm.
300,000 bucks better.
What if it wasn't no 300,000? Take the money out of it.
That's like saying, "taking gravity out of it.
" I'm asking.
Look I could throw a rock and hit 50 black dudes that could play that role.
But this? This only you.
My new album.
That ain't an album.
That's a motherfucking series, Adam.
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
a shit-load.
[SOFT LAUGHTER.]
I want to start out by congratulating you, Father.
You managed to get me into a dark, enclosed space alone.
Your dream, not mine.
Feels like we probably could have done this in a living room.
[LAUGHTER.]
Or in a public park.
I've been a real, uh, prick lately, just a grade-A prick.
And I need to wipe that slate clean, toute suite, padre.
I'm a liar.
I'm obscene.
Last week, I pushed over a port-a-potty in a motel room parking lot.
Sober.
[LAUGHTER.]
[NICK.]
Wasn't a drunken mistake.
[NICK.]
I saw it.
I knew the contents of the box.
I pushed it the fuck over.
[LAUGHTER.]
I regularly steal money from the donation box of this church.
I don't even attend.
[LAUGHTER.]
[NICK.]
I just come here and steal the money.
I can't hear him.
- I'm gonna go watch.
- [NICK.]
And then I use - that money to buy drugs.
- Okay.
[NICK.]
Drugs that I do backstage, and then I come out here and talk to you folks.
[LAUGHTER.]
On the bright side, I have, uh, managed to stay far away from unnecessary labor on the Sabbath, so What's the tab, Father, for all that? What's the tab? What do I owe you? What's the damage to have this slate wiped clean? [NICK.]
What do I owe you for this service? Couple "Our Fathers"? Oh.
Couple "Hail Marys"? Okay.
Okay, okay.
And that's it? Uh, and this is just a hypothetical, but well, what if I murdered a person? What would that be? That's one more "Our Father.
" Okay, fantastic.
[NICK.]
That's good to know.
[IMITATES CREAKING HINGES.]
Thank you, Father.
Tchk.
[IMITATES FLAME ROARING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
May as well.
That's not even the stuff I feel sorry about.
You know? That's just scratching the surface.
Here's the real kicker.
None of us should be forgiven.
If we did it, we should fucking live with it.
Besides, what's gonna keep you from doing that thing if you know you're just gonna be forgiven anyways? Right? Hit and run.
[NICK.]
Yeah, I saw you pull in here.
There was a shoe and a clump of hair in your grille.
Tell this guy.
You are forgiven.
[NICK.]
Yeah, push over an old lady.
Go ahead, knock her over, take her purse.
These two have sex with her.
Doesn't matter.
You all squeeze in the box here.
Tell him what you did.
You are absolved, my son.
Fuck a pal's girlfriend.
[AUDIENCE GROANS.]
Yeah, that's right.
He doesn't know he's the pal, but yeah.
[LAUGHTER.]
[NICK.]
You know who's big on forgiveness? Hey.
Do you want to go get something to eat, just in the kitchen? No, I want to see where he's going with this.
Okay.
Even when he was on the cross.
Even when he was on the cross, Jesus said, "Forgive them", for they know not what they do.
" Yeah, you know, Jesus? The only thing is, um They definitely know what they do, Jesus.
They definitely know.
There's no way to not know.
[NICK.]
You know how long it takes to put a crucifixion together? [NICK.]
That shit doesn't just happen.
It's not a fucking brunch.
You gotta know his height.
You gotta know his weight.
You gotta call your lumber guy.
You gotta get a winch to get him up there.
Call the florist.
Get a crown of thorns, special order, in a 7 1/2.
- [BOTH.]
Get off.
- Get off the stage.
If I was on the cross, there'd be no forgiveness.
I'd be up there, just pointing motherfuckers out.
Kill him.
Kill him.
[NICK.]
Seriously, just kill him.
Kill her.
Kill him.
Hey, Joseph, don't tell me who I can and can't kill.
You're not my real dad, anyway.
And real Dad, you're kind of on my shit list too.
[LAUGHTER.]
[NICK.]
Look, I know I'm not Jesus.
Can't grow the beard.
And he played to much bigger crowds.
[LAUGHTER.]
I would kill Jesus for Jesus' crowds.
But he'd have to forgive me.
[NICK.]
All works out in the end.
It all works out.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I got to hand it to you, Nicholas.
Nobody can confuse and alienate an audience quite like you.
William.
You know I'm a devout Catholic, right? - [ARNIE.]
Hey, Cass.
- [CASS.]
Yeah? That Lorne Michael guy's here, so Goldie wants you to go up next, all right? Got it.
Oh, that's right, your audition.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
Where were you when I called this morning? I told you.
I was I'm talking to Nick.
[LAUGHS.]
What's going on? [SOMBER MUSIC.]
Uh So how long have you two been fucking? - Eddie, I - Shut up.
I'm asking Nick.
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done.
[ALL EXCLAIM.]
Whoa, Eddie.
Come on, man.
Commitment to the bit.
Right, Cass? [ARNIE.]
Cass? Cass.
You're up.
[ARNIE.]
Cass, empty stage.
You're on.
[ARNIE.]
I don't think you want to fuck this one up.
Come on.
[ENERGETIC ROCK MUSIC.]
Well, you know what I'm doing You'll never know what I feel
Previously, on I'm Dying Up Here: Why are you looking at me like that? Mostly because I love you.
- What do you want? - You were there for me in Wink.
It's about three brothers who own a family restaurant in Compton.
Three brothers? It's funny, it's edgy, it has heart.
- Guy's such a dick.
- [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
I think he's broke, so you might want to cut him some slack.
[ROY.]
Would somebody call - the fucking ambulance? - What's wrong? Yeah.
These motherfuckers owe you money.
[RALPH.]
We gonna get that money.
[SCREAMS.]
It's in the safe! I'm Chris Beverly.
I'm Nick's uncle.
It'd be great to catch up.
[ROY.]
You know me, right? I know you.
[JAZZY PERCUSSION.]
[EARLY ROCK MUSIC.]
This time I'm going away this time I'm going to say good-bye I'll see you around someday Be kind when you think of me Because You're to blame, you see You are As long as you can be This time I'll say we're through I mean What I say to you No, no We cannot start anew [ROLLING THUNDER.]
[NICK SIGHS.]
You okay? Um there's coffee.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Last night was, uh I know.
I really do love Eddie.
Yeah.
Between me and him, I'd pick Eddie too.
Hell, between you and Eddie, I'd pick Eddie.
[LAUGHS.]
[TENSE HUM.]
So now what? [LAUGHS.]
Breakfast? [BLUES MUSIC.]
[SNIFFS.]
Fuck Roy Martin.
[RON.]
I'm playing a character.
That that's not me.
That's not Ron Shack.
It's Ron Shack playing a character.
Benny the Mailman is a character.
Like you.
You are a stripper, okay? But if you were acting in a porn, that would be your character having sex, not [SNIFFS.]
uh, what I'm sorry.
What's your fucking name again? Trudy.
Trudy.
Thank you.
It's it's not Trudy, you know, fornicating with a construction worker and his foreman, and then a guy that delivers some food to the construction site after hours.
[RON.]
It's your character, and you shouldn't be judged for what your character does, right? I mean, how is that fair? It's not.
I mean, do you have any idea what it's like to be judged and used and abused and j-just tossed to the side like No, I've been lucky.
[GIGGLES.]
Man.
Stroke.
Poor Fitzy.
Yeah, I talked to Bill this morning.
Severe brain damage.
Still talking about Fitzy, right? [SUCKS TEETH.]
Too early? Mm, I'd give it another hour.
Sorry.
[EDDIE.]
Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho ho-ho-ho! - Hey! - All right! - Now we're talking.
- Okay.
Welcome home.
So, where'd you go last night? Out.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Oh, better get it! Duty calls! [PHONE RINGS.]
- Gah - You got it.
Oop.
[ADAM.]
Think he lost.
Yeah.
Hey, Morris.
Are you Are you serious? Oh, wow, we're gonna need a knife, or something.
Hey, Ron, you got a kn What happened? [EDDIE.]
What happened? What's the matter with you? [CHUCKLES.]
Well, either he got something in his ass, or he got good news.
Jesus, spit it out.
Or push! I got Carson.
- You what? - Motherfucker! Fucking Carson? - [ADAM.]
Oh, yeah! - [EDDIE.]
Are you kidding me? - [EDDIE.]
Are you fucking kidding? - [ADAM.]
That's fucking crazy! [EDDIE.]
Are you kidding me? - [EDDIE.]
Are you kidding me? - [ADAM.]
Yeah! You son of a bitch, come here! - Oh, we need We need drinks.
- Holy shit.
What? Yeah.
They just called for me, and I can't believe it.
It's it's like, your whole- it's like your whole fucking life, you know? - Yeah.
- [RON.]
I mean, I I mean, look at me.
Fucking shaking.
I mean, I was shaking when I came in, but - Wait, so when is it? - Thursday.
- Thursday! - Fucking Thursday.
- Fucking Ron, that is amazing.
- Oh, my God.
Fucking Benny the Mailman strikes again! Carson's legit.
All right! Come on.
W-wait, what do you mean by that? What does that mean? "Benny the Mailman strikes again"? I mean, first fucking Soul Train, now fucking Carson.
Gig's really paying off.
No, no, no, no.
The gig was for one episode, and then Ron Shack made Benny the Mailman a phenomenon, and that's why Ron Shack is being booked on Johnny Carson.
So why is Ron Shack so pissed off? - Because - Yeah, what's the matter, bro? - You got you got Carson.
- No, no.
No, I get it, I get it.
Benny the Mailman's a fucking hack, right? Yeah, that shit's getting old.
Look, I'm sorry that I don't write jokes for a guy whose act is so tired, it's like a bus full of old people with the heater on high, or that I didn't record a fucking album that's getting its ass kicked by the Ohio Players.
- Whoa, whoa.
- I'm sorry you don't find any value in what I do.
Ron, you're taking this the wrong way.
Fuck you, man.
I'm not - a fucking joke, Eddie.
- [EDDIE.]
Ron! - I don't think you're a joke.
- I'm not a fucking joke.
Okay, we know that, man.
Chill! And the Ohio Players are solid, okay? I'm not going to d There's no shame in that.
Listen to me.
We're nothing but happy for you.
Okay? I mean, come on, man.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Just chill out.
- I'm sorry.
- And listen.
If you need some help writing material, I made Johnny laugh once.
Yeah.
And I'm black.
Thank you, but no.
Um I'ma do this on my own.
All right.
You sure? Yeah.
[SLOW JAZZ MUSIC.]
On my way I'm going There's not much going on in your refrigerator there, Gold.
[LAUGHS.]
It's like Doctor Zhivago after the Revolution in there.
I made coffee.
Now I'm going [LAUGHS.]
I'm going Um [LAUGHS.]
If I go Let me go Like you act like you never had a guy show up drunk at your office and dragged him home before.
Definitely could not have just left you at the club, right? Probably should've.
Would you grab a couple plates? Oh, sure.
You know, Roy, last night, you threw me for a little bit of a loop.
Yeah, sorry.
No.
It, um Um Hm? What do you think of these? Roy, are you gonna tell me what's going on? I was drunk.
Okay? And feeling sorry for myself, so let's just Let's just leave it at that, all right? I got eggs.
Uh And I just keep Gold, hey, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
You know? [LAUGHS.]
Roy I adore you.
- I - I-it's okay.
It's okay.
Let's eat.
Let's eat.
[RALPH.]
You didn't have to do this.
Your ass broker than mine.
Ralph, there's a man gonna be jacking off with three fingers for a year.
Least that calls for is donuts.
That shit was for free.
Now, carrying your sorry ass out to the car after you fainted [LAUGHS.]
Okay.
No, you definitely had my back, man.
Hey, back's all we got.
Hey, I ask you another favor? I'm still working on the same motherfucking bite from saying you're welcome for the last one.
All right.
All right, so I I've working on stuff for my second album, right? New material.
And it's a little rough, but be cool to know what you think.
I got you.
Yeah, I know you do, man.
[CASSIE.]
Lorne Michaels.
They're shooting his sketch show for NBC.
They want to do it live out of New York City.
[CASSIE.]
Live? That's ballsy.
Yeah.
They saw a tape of Girls Are Funny Too, and he's coming Thursday night to catch your act.
They want to find people who can do, uh, characters.
Well, characters aren't exactly my strong suit.
Cass, look, I didn't call this guy Michaels.
He called me, looking for you.
Mm? Well, honestly, pretending to be someone else doesn't sound so bad right now.
What the hell's that supposed to mean? Nothing.
[SCOFFS.]
Come on, Cass.
This is good news.
Why you gotta act like there's a fly in your soup? [BLUES MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Damn, Adam.
[CHAMPAGNE POPPING.]
[LAUGHS.]
Get used to that sound, Adam.
It's gonna be raining champagne corks.
That audition for Three Brothers that we made you go out on? [ADAM.]
Uh-huh? It's yours.
$14,000 an episode, over $300,000, courtesy of yours truly [BREATHLESS LAUGH.]
And John, who drove you to the meeting.
You're welcome.
Thank you, yeah.
Right on.
So, we gonna work on this and my second album at the same time? Uh, what do you want, Adam, a hand-job or a blow-job? Come again? Hand-job, blow-job.
Albums are a hand-job.
It's fine.
Everybody likes a nice tug.
I'm not here to jack you off.
I'm here to suck you dry, right, John? Yeah, he's here to suck you.
[BRUCE.]
Thank you.
So why don't we put the album on the back burner and concentrate on making Adam Proteau a household name? You're on the cusp of becoming a serious player, and with money comes power, and with power comes whatever and whoever the fuck you want.
I'm gonna roll some calls! So we good? Still a little thrown off by the "suck me dry" thing.
These are great jokes, Ralph.
Really appreciate you delivering on such short notice.
Come on now, Saul.
How long you known me? Since I was getting that little shit Sonny coffee and you were the new writer.
[LAUGHS.]
You know, you should be writing jokes for comedy.
Please, I got enough headaches.
Why? What's up? NBC is looking to fill the late night slot on Saturday night, where they've been airing Best of Carson.
Why replace it? The ratings are good.
[SAUL.]
Golf.
They air the clip shows on weeknights, Johnny gets to play more golf during the week.
How much golf does a motherfucker play? Have you ever met a 50-year-old white man? Golf is their menopause.
Anyway, the network's looking for the next thing.
The mandate is fresh ideas, young faces, something edgy, subversive.
Then why you producing a show for Bert Convy's sorry ass? Bert believed in me when no one else did.
He's like a mentor to me.
I love that guy.
But say I was open to throwing him under the bus.
What do you got? What I got is just what you looking for.
[CASSIE.]
[NASALLY.]
Oh, hi! I'm your new Bond's girl.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Kitty Kvetch.
- Now listen, James.
I have a little nosh for you before we go if you want it.
A little white fish salad, a little warm champagne Ooh, my favorite.
- But Bonds.
.
- Mm-hm.
If you want, you can nosh on me, because Marty Simkovitz said I tasted like a cross between a knish and some kugel.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
That's really good.
And embarrassing.
It's so embarrassing.
You're like a sexy Jewish mother.
I don't know if I want to screw you or run away from home.
[EDDIE GIGGLING.]
[KISSING NOISES.]
Oh, wait! Nick! Nick, come here for a sec.
Just listen to this for a sec.
I'm just, uh, gonna order something.
No, no, no, wait.
Just just for a sec.
Come here.
Come on, just for a sec.
I'm still trying to figure it out.
- I wouldn't - No, no, no, I know, but you got Nick's like a perfect audience.
Here.
Cassie's, uh, got an audition for a sketch show in New York.
She's doing this thing here.
Wait, it'll take a second.
- Nick's gotta go.
- Two seconds! - Come on.
- All right, okay, okay.
What, is it gonna hurt you to sit down? No, wait, scoot over.
Uh, it's I mean, he told you the bit.
It's it's Jewish Bond girl.
Kitty Kvetch.
[LAUGHS.]
But that's it.
She's going in on it.
- Yeah, but you have to do it! - You're wearing your tuxedo.
You don't don't describe it to him do it! [EDDIE.]
Make believe he's, uh He's Bond, - and touch his hair and - All right, Eddie, Eddie.
Just one Jewish mother at a time, huh? The bit is, like, [ACCENTED.]
Oh, you're wearing a tuxedo.
It's my cousin Rachael's birthda uh, bat mitzvah.
Yeah, but do, like the the-the knish and the cross between - the knish and the thing.
- All right, all right.
It's, um Oh [CLEARS THROAT.]
We have a little nosh if you want it.
Uh What was It was, um - I have some - Marty k Simkovitz.
Um, Simkovitz says I taste like a knish.
I'm I'm It's still a work in progress.
No, but you had it earlier.
I know.
I was working on it.
You had it.
Yeah, you know, I think, uh I think I know what the problem is.
Excuse me.
Oh.
Problem is, uh you got the wrong Bond.
[NICK.]
I'll catch you later.
[BRIGHT LATIN TRUMPET MUSIC.]
[ARNIE.]
You know, dentistry's legal.
You don't have to do this back-alley bullshit anymore.
My uncle Hugo.
In Mexico, he's a respected oral surgeon.
Here, he sells flowers by on-ramps.
Aww.
As much as I love a story of the American dream falling flat on its face, you really want to sit in a garage and take phone calls all day? Unless you want Goldie to catch us working out of her club.
My uncle's doing us a favor.
Let us install this phone, so we can take shifts.
[SCOFFS.]
Take shifts? What are we, cocktail waitresses? You know what your problem is, Arnie? Me? Big picture.
You? Mildly retarded.
You know what your problem is, Manny? - [GRUNTS.]
- Okay, look.
There's two of us, and we're pretty much booked.
So, since we can't be in Pasadena or San Diego on the same night, I'm starting to think we expand our stable.
You really want Goldie to kill us, huh? Not us.
All of this is Mort.
Mort books Bill for $100.
Mort tells Bill it's only $75.
- And then we keep the $25? - Yes.
And then we keep the ten percent that Mort gets on top of that.
Think of all the money we'll make.
Look, I like what it says about us as people, but how are we gonna get them to go along with it? I got a plan for that.
Trust me.
It's foolproof.
[HEART MONITOR BEEPING.]
They say anything new? Uh-uh.
You been here long? Couple hours.
Mm.
[SIGHS.]
Should probably get going.
Gotta pick up Amanda.
[DESOLATE MUSIC.]
She moved in, you know.
Sounds cozy.
Going to the movies.
She wanted to see Lenny, if you can believe it.
[LAUGHTER.]
- We know.
- [LAUGHS.]
You definitely were.
Here you go.
I got this one.
- Okay.
- Yeah, right.
Ain't gonna argue with that.
- Thanks for breakfast, man.
- You're welcome.
Edgar, I'm in a rush.
Can we skip the bullshit and get right - to you forgetting your wallet? - Please.
You do know how a check works, right? This ain't a dream where you pay the check.
This shit is really happening.
It's cool.
I've been making a lot of money doing road work.
As in repairing them? [LAUGHTER.]
I got a new booker.
His name is Mort.
You know, he's got me going back and forth between San Diego, Palm Springs, Pasadena, all out of Goldie's jurisdiction.
Right? I-it's a gold mine.
Look.
- What? - Okay Is that a $100 bill? - [EDDIE.]
Wow.
- Is that Monopoly money? I don't even know who's on those.
This is, uh, his number, if anyone's interested.
Let's see that.
[CASSIE.]
Reminds me of the drug dealing days.
So your booker is named Mort? Give him a call.
You'll see.
[JAZZY PERCUSSION.]
[APPLAUSE.]
Good luck, doll.
Hey, give my best to Donner and Blitzen.
Okay? [LAUGHS.]
A little libation? What are you getting? Oh, Goldie, hold up! Goldie! Beth? Oh, my God! - Hi.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh! - [LAUGHS.]
[GOLDIE.]
You bought her a bong? [ROY.]
Listen, I had to.
She's in college.
She can't roll a joint worth shit.
Am I right? She's always been terrible at it.
What does your mother think of all this? Joyce You on a first name basis now? Well, it's nicer than what she usually calls her.
[LAUGHS.]
How is your mom? [BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
Mom's Mom.
Well, she must have done something right.
You turned out okay.
Some things, I guess.
I suppose we remember what we remember, hm? Gotta do some things in the office.
[ROY.]
Mm-hm.
You are a beautiful girl.
Isn't she? Proud of her.
[BILL.]
Give it up for Cassie Feder.
It was so good seeing you.
You too, sweetie.
If you could stop up at some point, - I need you to sign something.
- Yeah, sure.
Beth is going to leave soon.
She has homework.
Oh, such the taskmaster, hm? [CASSIE.]
Okay, here's what I want - to talk about.
- Bye.
Bond films.
Who likes them? - [CHEERING.]
- [CASSIE.]
Right? [CASSIE.]
Yeah, everybody loves James Bond movies.
Have you ever thought about the Bond girls? You know, they're these beautiful women from these exotic locations.
- They're French and Italian - [WHISTLING.]
They're Polynesian What about a Jew? [LAUGHTER.]
[ACCENTED.]
Oh, hi.
I'm Kitty Kvetch of Bay Ridge.
A Bond girl.
Who would've thought it? [LAUGHTER.]
So you'll let me know? - [BETH.]
Yeah.
- [ROY.]
Okay.
- All right.
- Love you, Dad.
It's just a phase.
[LAUGHS.]
- All right, baby.
- Good-bye.
[CASSIE.]
Now, we're driving around Monte Carlo in this car that goes underwater, shoots bullets out of its tailpipe.
Meanwhile, it's so tiny, there's no room for my pocketbook.
Oh, also, bubbeleh, one more thing.
I invited Dr.
No for my sister Sadie.
I hope you don't mind.
She usually is partial to lawyers, but I bet it would be so nice to have a doctor in the family.
Where are you going? Cuba? Oh, honey, no.
You know that food doesn't agree with me.
Last time, I had that Di-di-rhe-rhe when we got back.
No, I'll switch our tickets for Puerto Vallarta.
The Habischman-Goldsteinbergs go there in the winter, and they said it's so beautiful, you'll just platz.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
That should be the new Bond girl, right? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[LAUGHS.]
You know what? Looking at these blueprints, if we move the stage ten feet, we got more room at the bar.
We can pop in two or three more four-tops.
A little late.
Construction starts Monday.
So we show up Monday and we say, "Hey, gotta move" the the stage ten feet.
" You move the stage, you gotta move everything else.
It's like dominos.
Everything is connected.
Don't you don't understand.
Oh, oh, oh, all right.
Okay, relax.
Okay, render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's.
I got a good idea.
Why don't I do my shtick, and I'll meet you at the register? It really is that easy for you, isn't it? Meaning? Oh, you know.
Like that tap-dancing act you got going on with Beth.
W-w-what does Beth have to do with anything? Buying drinks, slapping backs.
Is that your end of the bargain? I'm sorry.
Are we having the same conversation here? Joyce did all the heavy lifting while you screwed your way - through the Catskills - Oh, please.
- That is horse-shit.
- And then Beth gives you the applause? You have no fucking idea - what I sacrificed.
- So tell me.
If I'm wrong, set me straight, Roy.
Here you go.
Two signatures.
Give me the fucking pen.
Here and here.
Okay, well, see, this is the problem.
Now you think I'm fair game because your daughter doesn't think that the sun rises and sets with you.
That's what this is about.
That's right.
Let's dump them off with the ex-wife, let her raise them.
That's the secret.
Come waltzing in at the end for cake and ice cream.
[UNEASY MUSIC.]
The truth, isn't it? Whose truth? You better be careful with the love affair you're having with the truth.
There's two sides of that coin.
[LAUGHTER.]
Get me a double Scotch two.
[RON.]
Unless she's pregnant which they all are.
Yeah, the entire city of Boston is actually just one big contest between the Irish and the Italians to see who the most fertile is.
So I moved from Tennessee to Boston when I was 15, so I moved from the most polite part of the country to a city where it's proper etiquette to call your dad a queer.
[LAUGHTER.]
[RON.]
First year I move there, I uh I said two.
W-why you bring them one at a time? Roy, we're gonna be at the bar.
Let me know - when you want to leave.
- No, no, no, please, come on and join me.
W-where you going? Hi, I'm Cassie.
We met once, briefly.
Right, right, right.
Come on, I don't bite.
Please, join me.
Drinks are on me.
Come sit down.
- Let's have a drink.
- Just wanna go to the bar Come on, like you have somewhere to go.
Sit! Let's have a drink.
He's gonna make me pay.
This fucking What was Sweetheart, see what my friends want to drink, okay? Must be a three-drink minimum tonight.
Uh, you guys have been fantastic.
I'm Ron Shack.
Thank you so much.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Ronnie! That was so good.
Fucking great job, buddy boy.
The mailman finally delivered.
You know what, Roy? Fuck you.
It sounds like it's Benny time of the month.
All right, guys, come on.
Did you write that for him? Pretty good.
You know, Roy, that actually wasn't my act you heard up there.
It was footsteps.
I'll see you at the house, Eddie.
Relax.
There's a lot of that going around.
[GOLDIE.]
Oh, hey, Ron.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [RON.]
Hey.
- Nice set.
- Oh, thank you.
Yeah, just trying to hone my act for The Tonight Show.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You're going on as a guest, not a stand-up.
I'm I'm sorry.
What are y w-w I'm not gonna do stand-up? No, you're there to plug Watts Local.
I'm sorry.
Your agent should have been clear about that.
Mm, at least you're guaranteed the couch.
Yeah Oh, Ron.
You're an attraction.
There's no shame in that.
- Attraction.
- [GOLDIE.]
Mm.
Yeah, like a two-headed pig at a fair.
Everybody loves a fair.
Hm? Oh, Mitch, you gotta catch this next guy.
Yeah.
[JAZZ MUSIC.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
I'm not here to bother you.
Sitting across from a guy makes it look like I got a full dance card.
I'm getting bad vibes tonight.
[SIGHS.]
Take a load off.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Coffee? Thanks.
Sal, coffee.
Seen you around here the last few nights.
Furrowed brow, guzzling coffee, writing stuff What, you a reporter? [SCOFFS.]
In a manner of speaking.
Ah, okay.
[WOMAN.]
Oh, that's Father Ortiz.
He's here every week.
Whatever turns you on, I guess.
Uh-uh, no.
He's legit.
Nice.
[WOMAN.]
We girls don't get to church often.
Afraid of the eyes of God? Ain't God's eyes.
[NICK.]
So what's his story? [WOMAN.]
No story.
He listens.
And he's not all holier-than-thou and fire-and-brimstone or whatnot.
Then what's he talk about? Like I said, he don't.
He listens.
["USE WHAT YOU GOT" BY SUGAR PIE DESANTO PLAYING.]
I see you looking there Do you dig what you see I know what that lady's thinking She said there ain't much to me I ain't got big hips What's the point of Carson if-if I can't do stand-up? I met Carson.
He was taller than I thought.
Maybe because Ed is so tall, makes Johnny look short.
Have you ever been to a fair? Yeah.
I was in 4-H.
Raised a goat.
He was like my best friend.
Fairs are cool.
Yeah.
They are cool, aren't they? Mm.
You so get me.
Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[ROY.]
Hey, Shaft, let's do another round - [SLURRING.]
- [BARTENDER.]
All right.
That's that's enough.
I think we've What do you mean, that's enough? - I think we had enough.
- Hey, if we were on the beach, I'd be kicking sand in your face.
Okay, when do you go to the beach? Sit down, unless you're already sitting down.
I can never tell with this fucking guy.
Hey, hey.
- [EDDIE.]
Hm.
- [ROY.]
Hello.
How'd you do all this? H-how'd I do all what? This.
How did Roy Martin get to be Roy Martin? Well I legally changed it from Moishe Hitler.
[LAUGHTER.]
- Oh.
- Come on.
I w come on, tell me.
I w I'm gonna be Roy Martin.
- [EDDIE.]
That's disgusting.
- Why would anybody want to fucking be Roy Martin? - This is all great, okay? - Is it? But there's got to be more, right, than me being judged every night by a bunch of schmucks eating chicken wings, right? The fuck she say? Look Right? What do you want me to say? That there's more.
That it was all worth it.
Look, doll, I have balls, but they ain't crystal.
Sorry.
But listen, by all means, if you still want to stare at them - [EDDIE.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I guarantee you, you won't like what you see.
[LAUGHTER.]
[EDDIE.]
Yes, yes, it's very easy, because you're going to get that show - [ROY.]
Oh, here we go.
- [EDDIE.]
in New York.
We're gonna move there.
- Oh, we're gonna - We're gonna live in New York.
We're gonna move there? - And then I'll do the clubs.
- Go-go go sit down.
- Seriously, s-sit.
- And you'll work - on the show - You're scaring the humans.
- And then we're gonna live - Thank you! happily ever after.
- Okay, yeah.
- Just like that, huh? - Just like that.
- Do you hear that? Yes, you'll have a wonderful time.
- Okay.
- Just like that.
Keys! Uh, excuse me? [GURGLES.]
Keys.
- Come on.
- No.
No? No.
[LAUGHS.]
How about I turn you upside-down? Yeah.
Well, you're gonna have to.
- Shake you - Yeah.
to get the fucking keys? - Gimme the keys.
- Well, I'd like to see you try.
I'll pick you up and I'll hit him with you.
You want me to do that? [LAUGHS.]
You better watch out.
- Give me the keys! - I'm not giving you the keys.
Goldie'll kill me.
Who do you work for, hm? You work for Goldie? I'm over here.
You work for Goldie, or me? Eh? I work for you, boss.
Well, now you don't have to deliver papers on Sunday.
Okay, saddle up.
Uh, the car is that way, Moishe.
- Going? - You're a fucking compass now.
That way.
- [EDDIE.]
Oh - [CASSIE.]
We can't do that.
We can't do that back here.
- Okay? - [KISSING SOUND.]
[ROY.]
Hubris! [LAUGHS.]
Sorry.
Uh, Roy, y-you might want to slow down.
It's from the Greeks.
It was a a pride - [EDDIE.]
Jesus.
- and ambition that was so great, it offended the gods.
[ROY.]
And trust me, you do not want to be on the wrong side of those motherfuckers.
I'll show you what, you don't want to be - on the wrong side of.
- I don't know if So Cassie, when are you When are you moving to New York with Eddie? Make it big? It's just an audition.
[ENGINE REVVING.]
Uh, Roy, that was a stop sign right there.
- Was it? - Yeah.
It's an audition? Really? I thought five minutes ago, you two were picking out furniture for your new apartment on the Upper West Side.
- Here we go.
- The fucking arrogance! Can you slow down, please? [OMINOUS MUSIC.]
You two fucking arrogant idiots.
What the fuck, Roy? Slow down, huh? Do you think love conquers all? - [ROY.]
Huh? Because it doesn't.
- [EDDIE.]
What? It obliterates! W-what are you even talking about? Oh, come on.
Cassie gets it.
Don't you, Cassie? [ROY.]
'Cause she already has one foot out the door! - [SCREAMS.]
- Jesus Christ! [TIRES SQUEALING.]
[ROY.]
Go ahead.
Tell him that Eddie's just a big fucking anchor! Come on.
The gods are waiting.
- [TIRES SQUEAL.]
- Roy, please, come on! I have met you.
I see you every morning in the mirror.
You'd gnaw your own arm off just so you could be that thing.
Be what fucking thing? Whatever the fuck that thing is that keeps you running away! [CASSIE.]
I'm not running from anything.
I'm not running away from anything.
[ROY.]
Don't fucking give me your bullshit! Every goddamn asshole comic who ever spit into a Mic - was fucking running away! - [EDDIE.]
Roy, Roy - Roy, just pull the car over.
- Oh, you're such a fucking sap, Eddie.
[ROY.]
Listen to yourself.
A regular fucking Dudley Do-Right.
Think you're gonna find happiness in this fucking business? [ROY.]
There's no happiness, or happy family, or picket fence! You see, the people you love They will kill you, either by making you stay or letting you go.
So you know what you gotta do, Eddie? You gotta open your eyes Open your eyes - And look at her.
- Okay, all right, all right.
And see that there is no room for you - in them! - I love Eddie! - Kiss him.
- What? - [EDDIE.]
Jesus Christ! - [CAR HORN BLARES.]
Roy, Roy, what are you, crazy? If you do love him, you will kiss him, or so help me, Christ, we will be holding hands together on our way to wherever the fuck I'm kissing him! I'm not buying it.
More tongue! Stop the fucking car! You are seeing that the gods do not give with both hands! [ROY.]
Best case scenario: the people you love will fucking forgive you, but they will do it in a way where you can't forgive yourself! - Okay, Roy.
- [ROY.]
And you hating you All right, all right.
- is their leverage! - [EDDIE.]
Roy! Roy! Do you understand? They will play you like a fiddle Look at the road! And you will dance like - you're wearing red shoes! - Stop the fucking car! - Like the two fucking - [CASSIE.]
Fucking stop! - Fucking stop! - That's enough! [BRAKES SQUEAL.]
Okay.
Commitment to the bit.
What? You asked how Roy Martin got to be Roy Martin.
That's how.
[ROY.]
Commitment to the bit.
All right.
What do you say we go to Canter's? I could use a cream soda.
Now you be safe out there, okay? - [WOMAN.]
Thank you, Father.
- [NICK.]
Hey, Wheels.
What is it you think you're doing here? Forgiving people so they have permission to forgive themselves.
Why? What are you doing here? You ever think you're fucking up? Forgiving people who shouldn't be forgiven? Everybody deserves forgiveness.
Mm Lot of sick fucks out there, Father.
What would you propose that I do? [NICK.]
Well, damn them to hell sounds pretty good.
[SPARKS LIGHTER.]
You don't have anything that you would like to be forgiven for? It's a bicycle and a box, not a time machine.
May I ask you something? Do you like who you are? Do I like who I am? I have my moments.
Certain things, maybe Good things? Things that you would hate to lose about yourself? I'm no saint.
Not the point, nor the question.
Sure, yeah.
There's things.
He did that too.
Who, God? Your transgressor.
[EERIE MUSIC.]
Who you are.
Good, bad, what you like, don't like about yourself You are the sum of all those experiences.
Remove any moment, pain or joy, from your life, you erase the best parts of who you are along with them.
So what, I should thank him? No.
Forgive your monsters.
Don't let them have any more.
They've taken enough.
[PYTHON LEE JACKSON'S "IN A BROKEN DREAM" PLAYING.]
Every day, I spend my time Drinking wine, feeling fine Waiting here to find the sign That I can understand Yes I am In the days between the hours Ivory towers, bloody flowers Push their heads into the air I don't care If I ever know There I go Don't push your luck Too far Your wounds won't leave A scar Right now is where You are In a broken dream Oh Don't do this.
I'm sitting in my lonely room Don't push your luck too far [PHONE RINGS.]
You know your wounds Won't even leave a scar [PHONE RINGS.]
Right now Oh.
[PHONE RINGS.]
- Yeah? - [MORRIS.]
Hello, Ron.
- Hope I didn't wake you.
- All right.
[MORRIS.]
Ronny, quick question: Is there any place you're supposed to be right now? Someplace important? Someplace involving your sitcom and a bunch of actors who are sitting around, waiting for you to show up? Something like fucking rehearsal? - [JAZZY PERCUSSION MUSIC.]
- Fuck.
You're gonna write a number down, and you're gonna call a doctor who focuses on people who come dangerously close to losing the only source - of income - [DOORBELL RINGS.]
they may ever see.
He's going to examine you.
Then he's going to send me a note detailing the unimaginable sufferings you've been experiencing, and he'll be paid handsomely for it by you.
Meanwhile, I'll call your employer and explain the situation, after which, we'll exchange pleasantries, and then we'll all agree that this will never happen again.
I sure hope it doesn't, Ron, because I really hate good-byes.
[PHONE RINGS.]
[PHONE LINE TRILLING.]
- [RALPH.]
A sitcom? - [ADAM.]
Yeah.
[ADAM.]
Can you believe it? I'ma be making more than $300,000.
[ADAM.]
Me! [RALPH.]
I surely can.
Seriously? Ah, for fuck's sake! Jesus fucking Christ! I'm sorry.
Congratulations, Adam.
You deserve it.
Just like fucking Ron deserves it, Cassie deserves it, everybody fucking deserves shit in my fucking life! [EDDIE SCREAMS.]
I'm sorry.
If you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna take a couple deep breaths, turn on the gas in the oven, and clean it from the inside.
Kind of veering away from your apology, Eddie.
Mm, just a little bit.
You're right.
Congratulations, Adam.
And fuck the gods! What's in the envelope? Oh, it's nothing.
Some Bert Convy jokes.
Tell me about the show, Hollywood.
Oh, I'm actually glad you asked.
Look, I Any way I can ask for another favor? I mean, I think it's good, but Hey, if there's donuts, no problem.
Cool.
[UPBEAT LATIN MUSIC.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
[ACCENTED.]
Mort's booking.
Mort speaking.
Hey, uh, Mort.
It's Bill Hobbs.
[BIG BAND MUSIC FROM TV.]
[RON.]
So you the stand-up? Yeah.
You're the "Benny time" guy, right? I'm Tommy Gilhardi.
[INDISTINCT SPEECH OVER TV.]
I'm a little bit more than that.
Benny time, I mean.
Way more.
I'm a stand-up, too.
I didn't mean nothing by it.
Yeah, don't sweat it.
Have a good set.
[TOMMY.]
Thanks.
[APPLAUSE.]
[JOHNNY.]
Is it true, uh, you were discovered as a doorman at Goldie's? Yes sir, yeah.
I actually, uh, still do stand-up there regularly.
- [JOHNNY.]
Mm.
- You know, I love TV, but stand-up, that's That's where the real comedy's at.
But you're enjoying your time at Watts Local.
Are you enjoying Watts Local? [LAUGHTER.]
I mean, I'm on the show, and I don't watch it, so I'm enjoying the paycheck.
I'll tell you that much.
[LAUGHTER.]
[RON.]
You know, these sitcoms They're all just kind of stuck in a rut.
- In a rut? - Yeah, yeah.
They're in a rut, and to experience true comedy, real comedy, guy like Me's gotta get up in the clubs.
Wow, yeah.
Mm.
Ron, um, I know you're new at this, but I'm not sure you understand how "come on and talk about the show" - actually works.
- [LAUGHS.]
Okay, everybody.
We're going to commercial.
When we come back, stand-up Tommy Gilhardi will be making his Tonight Show debut, so stick around.
[APPLAUSE.]
[BAND PLAYING SWING MUSIC.]
[QUIETLY.]
At least the last comic who committed suicide on my show had the decency to wait until he left the fucking studio.
[EDGAR.]
One more time for Adam Proteau! Let him hear it.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Adam.
Hey, caught your act.
Ralph is right about you.
You got it.
Ah, thank you.
You one of Ralph's friends? Saul Hudson.
Yeah.
Guy who was gonna produce yours and Ralph's sketch show.
Right.
I get it.
Lots to be said for a bird in the hand.
[EDGAR.]
I think we're all on board, right? I know what you're thinking.
I look like Mr.
Potato Head, face-up.
What does that mean? I don't understand You mind? Are you over 21? [LAUGHS.]
I am so sorry.
I thought about it.
I really couldn't mount much of a defense.
You don't have to, certainly not for me.
Last Mother's Day card I got from Amanda was in crayon.
Regular Mother Machree.
I don't know.
Maybe Amanda's right to hate me.
She doesn't hate you.
Just doesn't know you.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
Same reason Beth loves me.
And you work your whole fucking life sacrifice everything, still come away palms-up.
[SIGHS.]
I'm broke.
Oh I pulled in six figures last year.
I still got a little scratch, but, uh if this club doesn't fucking work Saw your friend Saul tonight.
Ah.
Acquired taste, but he's cool.
[BLUES MUSIC OVER RADIO.]
You read the script? Man, I wanted to hate that shit, but it's good.
It's real good.
Better than your sketch idea? Mm.
300,000 bucks better.
What if it wasn't no 300,000? Take the money out of it.
That's like saying, "taking gravity out of it.
" I'm asking.
Look I could throw a rock and hit 50 black dudes that could play that role.
But this? This only you.
My new album.
That ain't an album.
That's a motherfucking series, Adam.
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
a shit-load.
[SOFT LAUGHTER.]
I want to start out by congratulating you, Father.
You managed to get me into a dark, enclosed space alone.
Your dream, not mine.
Feels like we probably could have done this in a living room.
[LAUGHTER.]
Or in a public park.
I've been a real, uh, prick lately, just a grade-A prick.
And I need to wipe that slate clean, toute suite, padre.
I'm a liar.
I'm obscene.
Last week, I pushed over a port-a-potty in a motel room parking lot.
Sober.
[LAUGHTER.]
[NICK.]
Wasn't a drunken mistake.
[NICK.]
I saw it.
I knew the contents of the box.
I pushed it the fuck over.
[LAUGHTER.]
I regularly steal money from the donation box of this church.
I don't even attend.
[LAUGHTER.]
[NICK.]
I just come here and steal the money.
I can't hear him.
- I'm gonna go watch.
- [NICK.]
And then I use - that money to buy drugs.
- Okay.
[NICK.]
Drugs that I do backstage, and then I come out here and talk to you folks.
[LAUGHTER.]
On the bright side, I have, uh, managed to stay far away from unnecessary labor on the Sabbath, so What's the tab, Father, for all that? What's the tab? What do I owe you? What's the damage to have this slate wiped clean? [NICK.]
What do I owe you for this service? Couple "Our Fathers"? Oh.
Couple "Hail Marys"? Okay.
Okay, okay.
And that's it? Uh, and this is just a hypothetical, but well, what if I murdered a person? What would that be? That's one more "Our Father.
" Okay, fantastic.
[NICK.]
That's good to know.
[IMITATES CREAKING HINGES.]
Thank you, Father.
Tchk.
[IMITATES FLAME ROARING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
May as well.
That's not even the stuff I feel sorry about.
You know? That's just scratching the surface.
Here's the real kicker.
None of us should be forgiven.
If we did it, we should fucking live with it.
Besides, what's gonna keep you from doing that thing if you know you're just gonna be forgiven anyways? Right? Hit and run.
[NICK.]
Yeah, I saw you pull in here.
There was a shoe and a clump of hair in your grille.
Tell this guy.
You are forgiven.
[NICK.]
Yeah, push over an old lady.
Go ahead, knock her over, take her purse.
These two have sex with her.
Doesn't matter.
You all squeeze in the box here.
Tell him what you did.
You are absolved, my son.
Fuck a pal's girlfriend.
[AUDIENCE GROANS.]
Yeah, that's right.
He doesn't know he's the pal, but yeah.
[LAUGHTER.]
[NICK.]
You know who's big on forgiveness? Hey.
Do you want to go get something to eat, just in the kitchen? No, I want to see where he's going with this.
Okay.
Even when he was on the cross.
Even when he was on the cross, Jesus said, "Forgive them", for they know not what they do.
" Yeah, you know, Jesus? The only thing is, um They definitely know what they do, Jesus.
They definitely know.
There's no way to not know.
[NICK.]
You know how long it takes to put a crucifixion together? [NICK.]
That shit doesn't just happen.
It's not a fucking brunch.
You gotta know his height.
You gotta know his weight.
You gotta call your lumber guy.
You gotta get a winch to get him up there.
Call the florist.
Get a crown of thorns, special order, in a 7 1/2.
- [BOTH.]
Get off.
- Get off the stage.
If I was on the cross, there'd be no forgiveness.
I'd be up there, just pointing motherfuckers out.
Kill him.
Kill him.
[NICK.]
Seriously, just kill him.
Kill her.
Kill him.
Hey, Joseph, don't tell me who I can and can't kill.
You're not my real dad, anyway.
And real Dad, you're kind of on my shit list too.
[LAUGHTER.]
[NICK.]
Look, I know I'm not Jesus.
Can't grow the beard.
And he played to much bigger crowds.
[LAUGHTER.]
I would kill Jesus for Jesus' crowds.
But he'd have to forgive me.
[NICK.]
All works out in the end.
It all works out.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I got to hand it to you, Nicholas.
Nobody can confuse and alienate an audience quite like you.
William.
You know I'm a devout Catholic, right? - [ARNIE.]
Hey, Cass.
- [CASS.]
Yeah? That Lorne Michael guy's here, so Goldie wants you to go up next, all right? Got it.
Oh, that's right, your audition.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
Where were you when I called this morning? I told you.
I was I'm talking to Nick.
[LAUGHS.]
What's going on? [SOMBER MUSIC.]
Uh So how long have you two been fucking? - Eddie, I - Shut up.
I'm asking Nick.
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done.
[ALL EXCLAIM.]
Whoa, Eddie.
Come on, man.
Commitment to the bit.
Right, Cass? [ARNIE.]
Cass? Cass.
You're up.
[ARNIE.]
Cass, empty stage.
You're on.
[ARNIE.]
I don't think you want to fuck this one up.
Come on.
[ENERGETIC ROCK MUSIC.]
Well, you know what I'm doing You'll never know what I feel