I'm Dying Up Here (2017) s02e07 Episode Script
Call Me a Ham
1 - [JAZZY MUSIC.]
- [SNORTS.]
[RON.]
Previously on I'm Dying Up Here I'm sorry, what's your fucking name again? - Trudy.
- [GOLDIE.]
Lorne Michaels.
They're shooting his sketch show for NBC.
They want to do it live out of New York City.
Wendy's coming Thursday night to catch your act.
Look, I know that I fucked up bad, and I am so sorry for the shit I said on Carson.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
- Mort's booking.
Hey, uh, Mort, it's, uh, Bill Hobbs.
- Whoa, please! - You think love conquers all? The people you love will fucking forgive you, but they will do it in a way where you can't forgive yourself! [JAZZY PERCUSSION.]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
[DISTANT SIREN WAILING.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Fuck.
[BREATHING SHAKILY.]
[TISH.]
So why now? Why Santa Monica? [GOLDIE.]
Demand.
These are troubled times.
People want to laugh, you know? And Goldie's has set the standard - for live comedy in LA - [TISH.]
Yes.
and you get Roy Martin, the best of the best, headlining, you can't get better bang for your buck than that.
Well, as for Santa Monica, it's really more for the comics, you see.
That way, when they bomb, they only have to go west a couple blocks and they can go right in the ocean.
[LAUGHTER.]
Hey, um, let's get a couple of shots here of the Queen of Comedy and her Clown Prince.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
[TISH.]
Aw, that's nice.
There you go, happy.
One more.
That's great.
That's great.
- All righty, is that good? - [TISH.]
Yeah, that's great.
- Okay, all righty.
- Fantastic.
- So how have you been, anyway? - [TISH.]
I've been okay.
I've been okay.
Look at my new ring.
- [GOLDIE.]
Oh, my God.
- [TISH.]
Isn't it gorgeous? [GOLDIE.]
Oh, my God.
It's so beautiful.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[RENE.]
You're bad luck, Benny.
Last time you were here, you gave me an envelope with a big red "audit" printed on the front.
[RON.]
Don't shoot the mail messenger.
[RENE.]
And that is not the line.
Eh, that ain't the line you wrote.
Read the words, Ron.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
It's not my fault you tried to write off your model airplane collection.
You're right, Ern.
God forbid America should miss out on these words.
All right, so, what, are we the only ones taking this shit seriously? Hey, Rene, I am offended, okay? Because I take these white depictions of black stereotypes very seriously.
You you think this shit is fu you think this is funny? - Huh, you think this is funny? - Stop.
Stop it, all right? You know what? Everyone take ten.
Ten, that's ten, everyone, please.
You, you stay.
Yeah, all right, I agree.
We got to have a meeting about this guy.
He's got some shit to work out.
I mean, you can't go through life like that.
May I speak plainly, Ronnie? - Can I stop you? - You're Benny the Mailman.
You're not Marlon Brando.
You're not Jack Lemmon.
You're Benny the Mailman.
Okay, you're not gonna segue this into a movie career or stage or anything else.
At best, you'll be the voice of an animated dog or the bottom left-hand corner on Hollywood Squares.
But you see, you're Benny the Mailman.
That's who you are.
And you are not the guy who's gonna run roughshod over my show.
No, you're gonna come in here, you're gonna hit your mark, say your lines.
Then you're gonna go out, and you're gonna fuck the remaining self-esteem out of whatever extra is dumb enough to think that you're her ladder to success.
Am I clear? [WHISPERING.]
A lot to unpack there.
May I speak plainly, Ernie? Well, that seems only fair, Ronnie.
Here's who I am, okay? I'm the guy that took your show from the lower 40s all the way up to number seven in the ratings.
That's who I am.
[ERNIE.]
I got to give it to you, Ronnie.
It usually takes years to develop - this kind of misplaced hubris.
- I'm a prodigy.
[DON.]
You're letting everyone down, Ron.
- Okay, the crew, the cast, everyone.
- [RON.]
Fuck the cast.
I apologized to them.
They told me to shove it up my ass.
[MOCKINGLY.]
Am I clear? [LAUGHS.]
All right, if anybody needs me, I'll be taking a nap in my double-wide.
- You don't have a double-wide.
- Holy shit, he's right.
Can you take care of that for me, Ernie? How the fuck did you not see that coming? James I have a little whitefish salad and some warm champagne.
I thought we could have a little nosh before we pick up my mother.
Or you can nosh on me.
Marty Simkovitz said I taste like kugel.
Oh, also, James, I hope you don't mind, but I invited Dr.
No for my sister Sadie.
She is partial to lawyers, but I thought it'd be nice to have a doctor in the family - James, where are you going? - [LAUGHTER.]
Where you going? Come back here.
Let me look at you, little pudding.
Where you going? Moscow? Ugh, this time of year? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I will transfer our tickets to Puerto Vallarta.
It's so beautiful, you'll plotz! [LAUGHTER.]
You gonna clean this up? Then what are the ants gonna do? You're a slob, you know that? Yes, Mother Hobbs.
Look, I know you're going through a lot, but can you just remember that two people are living here? What "lot" are you referring to? Fuck it.
Just clean up your shit.
[SCOFFS.]
You know what? - Got a better idea.
- Yeah? How about this? How's this, huh? How's this for cleaning up, Bill? Seriously? - Yeah.
- You're gonna leave because I gave you shit about cleaning up? Yeah, that's right.
For the maid.
[GROOVY MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
[RON EXHALES.]
[TRUDY.]
I can't believe your bedroom looks into your swimming pool.
Mine looks down onto the parking lot of a Pioneer Chicken.
Well, at my last place, my view was a mole on the back of my roommate's neck, so this is a big step up.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, it must be nice, though.
Being a star.
Coming home to all this.
It's all right.
[SNORTS.]
What, you don't like it? No I li Okay, I remember when the Bruins won the Stanley Cup back in '70, my father worked for Kevin White, the mayor of Boston, and he got us into this private party for the Bruins.
And there was fucking Orr, and there's Esposito, and there's Cheevers, and then right there in the middle of the room was the Stanley Cup, the holy grail of hockey.
Okay, and I I'm walking over there 'cause I just want to touch it.
I just want to I just want to I just want to touch it.
And my father says, "No, Ron! You can't touch it 'cause you didn't earn it.
" [SNIFFS.]
And I thought he was an idiot, you know? 'Cause it's I can touch it.
It's right here.
It's right in front of me.
But now I know that he was right, because all this shit that I can touch, it doesn't fucking feel like anything, you know? 'Cause I 'cause I think I skipped over the "earning it" part, and I think I needed it.
Like, I think I j I think I need more.
[SNIFFS.]
You're unfulfilled.
I am unfulfilled.
- [GASPS.]
Oh, my God! - What? - You know who you are? - Who? You're Jonathan Livingston Seagull! - Who? - He was this seagull who wanted more too, so he set out to be extraordinary.
The other birds were assholes and said that he was full of himself just because - he wanted to soar.
- See, that's just like me.
All the birds at work think I'm a dick 'cause I'm always trying to soar.
But you know what? Jonathan Livingston Seagull showed them.
He went, and he learned how to fly.
Like, really fly.
And that is when they all saw what he was made of.
It's basically the Ron Shack story, told through a bird that'll eat garbage.
[LAUGHS.]
I guess we're all just suffering for our art.
Just 'cause we want to soar.
It's just 'cause I want to soar.
I just want to fucking soar.
- [KNOCKING.]
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- You wanted to see me? - You forget something? Happy birthday! It's the fucking liquor order again.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
Donnie from the kitchen dropped a block of frozen drumsticks on his foot, so I've been handling that.
What the fuck is going on with you lately? And where the hell have you been? Or are you gonna give me a song and dance for that one too? It's personal.
Personal? Hmm.
I got VD.
It's not pretty.
The doctor said it's, uh, the worst case he's ever seen in his entire life.
The girl was from Germany, so it's Who am I, the Guinness Book of World Records? Get some moldy crackers and do your fucking job.
Otherwise, I will give it to someone else.
- Are we clear? - Clear.
As I sometime in the near future hope to be myself.
Shut the fucking door.
All right, all right, okay.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
She's onto us, man.
She's onto Mort.
- Goldie? - Yeah.
- How? - She noticed I haven't been here lately.
Told you I was fucking vital.
What'd you say? Don't worry.
I took care of it.
I told her I had the clap.
I'm trying to be quick on my feet here.
That's not even quick on your knees, all right? Isn't there a process that words go through before they come out of your stupid fucking mouth? Oh, yeah, do you ever think she might be suspicious 'cause of you, Mr.
Highfalutin? What, am I mopping ostentatiously? No, I'm talking about your fly-ass pimp suit, Dolemite.
For months, you've been eating like you're a cast member in Oliver.
All of a sudden, her janitor's got a nice new suit? Goldie picks up on shit, man.
So Goldie figured out Mort because of your syphilis and because of my new suit? Ron, Columbo couldn't put that together.
Shh, just be smart about it.
Lay low, ese.
What the fuck? My own parking spot in the front? Just the perks of being a big-time TV writer.
Shit, that's like having my own handicapped space without the fake limp.
[LAUGHS.]
So you on board? - Sign me the fuck up.
- [BOTH.]
Yeah! [LAUGHTER.]
Hey, couldn't help but overhearing.
Congratulations.
Probably 'cause you were fucking listening in.
Maybe, maybe.
[LAUGHS.]
Just gonna float this out there.
If you guys are looking for writers for the show, you know, I want to throw my hat in the ring.
Got pretty extensive knowledge of black culture.
Oh, saw Guess Who's Coming to Dinner a few times? Yeah, you know, uh, growing up in Cold Lake, Alberta, there was a black family.
They happened to be my next-door neighbor, and, uh, I actually, uh, got to know their culture pretty well.
- [RALPH.]
Mm-hmm.
- Got to see the differences and the similarities.
[DAWN.]
Wow, one black Canadian family.
That's like going to see Siegfried and Roy and saying now you an expert on tigers.
[LAUGHTER.]
[CHORTLES.]
Why are you even looking for another job, anyways, man? You practically run this place.
What, a guy's not allowed to expand his options? - Look for the next thing? - [RALPH.]
Uh, look, Arnie.
Um it's not up to us, you know? We got to get network approval, and then you'd have to submit a packet of writing samples and [EXHALES.]
Definitely.
[ADAM.]
Despite your extensive, you know, exposure to black culture - Your plethora of knowledge.
- [ADAM.]
Whoa.
Okay, um I don't think you're the voice that we-we looking for o-or need or want.
Right.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, hey, you know, whatever, you know.
Not for nothing, let me know if that changes.
And, uh, you know a white mind is a terrible thing to waste too.
[ADAM.]
Oh, okay, that's it for me.
Noted.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I, uh I apologize if I, uh, appear to be a little nervous.
It's because I've been performing in the Cellar, so, uh, crowds frighten me.
Holy shit, well.
I've never seen such a good-looking couple.
Two fucking runway models right here, Jesus Christ.
It's like what Hitler was going for.
[AUDIENCE GROANS.]
What are you guys doing after the show, modeling for a fucking art class? You know, I have not one artistic bone in my body, but I would like to sketch the two of you using charcoal.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, hello, new waitress.
Can I come home with the two of you? I swear, I'll just sit in the corner and watch silently.
I'm very good at it.
I'm very good.
Seriously, would you two like to just come onstage for the rest of my set and walk around? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[SLOW JAZZY MUSIC.]
Hey.
Good idea.
No one'll know we slept together with that empty seat between us.
I just assume people don't want to talk to me.
Saves time.
So how's shit at Bill's? Yeah, it is exactly that: shit.
- Oh.
- Bill and I broke up.
- Aw.
- Decided I wanted to see other mothers.
- You moved out? - Yeah, something like that.
Eh, it's all good.
Perfectly coincides with my car getting out of the shop, so I'm living in my back seat.
Really just swapping out ass smells.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, I'd say crash at my place, but seeing where that got us last time Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I guess.
You know what? Fuck it.
You need a place to stay.
I got plenty of room.
And by that, I mean I have a sofa.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- We're both adults.
I can control myself if you can.
Who, me? Oh, I am nothing if not a model of self-control.
Oh, great.
Well, mi sofá es su sofá.
Gracias.
[EDDIE.]
All right, thank you very much.
That's my time.
At the very least, you have all been an extremely attractive audience.
Thank you.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[RALPH.]
Eddie Zeidel, ladies and gentlemen.
Keep it going for Mr.
Eddie Zeidel.
You guys are a fantastic crowd Thank you, new waitress.
You're welcome, main stage comic.
You know, you're spoiling me, because in the Cellar, the waitresses just pool all of the unfinished drinks into a bucket and throw in a couple of cherries.
Well, I can do better than that.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Whoo! Let me ask you a question.
What is the record time from walking off stage to blow job in a supply closet? 'Cause I, uh, think I just set it.
- Congrats.
Who'd you blow? - Yeah.
- Mm.
- [ADAM.]
You use a stopwatch, or did you "one, Mississippi, two, Mississippi," bobbing your head up and down? Hmm, that's funny.
[LAUGHTER.]
Well, why don't you ask the new waitress? She's a little cutie, isn't she? [BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh! - Damn! - What is the record from blow job to getting shitcanned by Goldie? What are you talking about? That's Goldie's daughter, dickhead.
[LAUGHS.]
[GULPS.]
No, it's not.
Shut up.
- [ADAM.]
Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
Shut the fuck up.
No, it's no, it's not.
Shut the fuck up.
Why didn't somebody fucking tell me? - Are you kidding me? - If you're not out writing with Roy, you're avoiding hanging around so you don't bump into Cassie.
Not our fault you're behind the times.
[ADAM.]
What, do you not ask girls' names before you take them to supply closets? - Damn.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm gonna throw up.
I love this so much.
[CALM MUSIC.]
[RON.]
You ever been to Venice? [TRUDY.]
Once.
When I was six.
It's been my dream to live there ever since.
Yeah, it'd be pretty cool to live in Italy.
Not Italy.
Venice, Florida.
That's your dream? To move to Florida? [SCOFFS.]
They have sand dollars.
And you can walk out into the shallow water for miles.
And it always looks like the sun is setting.
My dad took me there before he died.
I think it'd be a really nice place to live.
Raise a family.
I think Venice, Florida, sounds pretty fucking awesome.
Now you're just making fun of me.
No, I'm not.
No, I'm not.
I mean it.
I mean it.
Hey, what are you doing this weekend? Working.
Gas company's on my ass, and I need a new blow-dryer.
Those don't come cheap.
How'd you like to hang up your G-string? Oh, hey, Amanda.
Um, hey.
Sorry, um, hi.
Can I steal you for just a-a moment? Yeah.
- Hi.
How are you? - Hey.
Good.
So I, uh you know, I-I-I didn't know that you were, uh, Goldie's daughter, and not that I didn't have a great time with you.
- Mm-hmm.
It was a good time.
- But I probably wouldn't have you know.
Not that it wasn't great, but I just didn't know, and I Uh-huh.
am now feeling like I should try and tell you that I we probably shouldn't - you know.
- Eddie, it's okay.
I already told Mom.
I'm sorry, you Yeah, she's totally cool with it.
She likes you.
Said you were a decent guy, which was a big relief to me.
I mean, who wants to date a guy their mother hates, right? Was that a was that a date? Well, yeah.
What'd you think? You think I'd just randomly do that? I Uh, no, I do not think that.
But, you know, typically, on a date, you go to a lovely restaurant, and you order a bottle of wine or something, you know? You don't go somewhere so flammable.
Yeah, well, my mom is so happy that I've finally met a nice guy that she wants you to come for breakfast tomorrow.
Okay, are-are you fucking with me right now? Well, if you don't want to come, just say so.
Excuse me, no, no, no, no.
I-I would love to come.
I-I would love to come.
No, I'll-I'll I'll be there.
Should I, uh should I should I bring anything? Ham.
Ham? She loves ham.
- Okay.
- Nine a.
m.
sharp.
Yup.
[GRUNTS.]
Oh, okay.
You know what I was thinking might be good for our club? You do know we have to build it before we can burn it down for the insurance money? - Oh! - [LAUGHTER.]
No, I was thinking how about you on the talk show circuit? Hmm? Hmm? Merv, Mike Douglas, Dinah Shore, they all love you.
People already know who I am, all right? Oh, I know.
It's just, you've been tucked away in Vegas for so long, I thought maybe a little reintroduction to the TV dinner crowd, it might not be a bad idea.
If I buy a dryer at Sears, I draw a bigger crowd than those fucking comics you got headlining.
- Okay? - What's the problem? No, it-it's my club too, Goldie.
I'm saying it isn't? Okay, so just quit barking orders, all right? I didn't sign up to be the, uh, second banana to the Queen of Comedy here.
Oh.
Look, Tish was just tossing that out there.
I'll call her, tell her not to Forget it! The time to tell her was when she said it.
[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
Neptune's Delight, my cock.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[SNIFFS.]
[GOLDIE.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, here I come.
Coming.
Here I come.
What are you doing here? I'm, uh, here for breakfast.
I brought the ham.
Ham? Fuck.
Just so I know who to blame which one of us couldn't control ourselves last night? Well, last I remember, we were watching a nature documentary on TV.
Oh.
And, uh, a couple zebras got a little horny.
Oh.
And here we are.
- Fucking zebras.
- Pound town.
[LAUGHS.]
Aw, shit.
I got to drop off rent by 11.
Um, the, uh hot water in the shower runs out after ten minutes.
And, um, there are pliers on top of the TV that change the station.
And I think that's all the important news.
I hope you enjoy the amenities.
Yeah, thank you.
Fantastic.
All right.
- Bye.
- Oh, the old shake, all right.
Have a good day.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Uh, try not to light anything on fire.
No.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[EXHALES.]
- You're what? - [RON.]
I'm getting married.
You gonna be my best man or what? Okay.
I pride myself on having talked you out of some pretty stupid shit over the past couple years, but this feels like something you shouldn't need my help with.
What's wrong with me getting married? Is it 'cause she's a stripper? 'Cause she's a lot more than that.
She loves cats, and she's planning on doing something with that.
Ron, this is you going off again, okay? No, it's not.
No, it's not, Eddie.
I fucking thought about it, man, and I love her, okay? It's time.
I hate when you act like I haven't - thought stuff through.
- Oh, like a couple weeks ago when you came within minutes of buying a bear cub? I wish he was here right now.
I wish the bear was here right now, 'cause he's a lot more supportive than you are.
He was trained, Eddie.
Every time you said something stupid, he could let out a little roar.
All right, all right, all right.
Let me ask you a question.
Do you think this decision has anything to do with the fact that you've been jacked up on cocaine for the past month? No, not at all.
I can't explain it to you, but it just it just feels right, you know, and-and very little in my life does feel right right now.
It's-it's like she's my anti-echo chamber, you know? - Your what? - You know, like when your fucking head starts saying all this really, really negative shit about yourself, like, and you're like, "Yeah, head, you're probably right.
I probably am a fucking talentless, unfunny, worthless piece of shit.
" Trudy's the one that's there going, "Uh-uh, Ron's head.
Ron's great.
" Does your head really talk to you like that? Yeah, he's not on my side.
Let's-let's just say that.
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
All right.
Yeah, I'll be your best man.
- Yeah? Okay.
- Okay, all right.
Take it easy.
Now I just need you to convince Goldie to let me have the wedding on the main stage.
- Are you serious? - Yep.
Are you just trying to up the ante on the fucked-up-ed-ness? No, man, Goldie's is where it all started for me.
You know, it's the place of both my humble origins and my greatest success.
Plus, Trudy-Trudy likes that shit.
She'll get a kick out of it.
Isn't she tired of stages by now? Trust me, I get the appeal, but you get one more week of stripper jokes.
As much as I'd love to help, it's just a a little complicated with Goldie right now.
What happened? Well, her daughter blew me in the supply closet last night and had me come over Goldie's this morning with a ham.
That may feel like a complete story to you, but there's still some dots that need connecting.
Well, I didn't know she was Goldie's daughter, and she's a waitress in the club, and she's very pretty, and she's funny.
But I actually think she's a little crazy.
[LAUGHS.]
I got to tell you, Eddie, it's stories like this that make me glad I'm settling down.
[INHALES.]
Whoo! [EXHALES.]
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV.]
[EXHALES.]
I'm getting married.
I'm actually, uh I'm actually getting married.
Yeah, no, just I came to tell you I'm getting married.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, fuck.
Fuck yes.
- [GOLDIE.]
When? - Saturday night.
This Saturday? Money's no object.
Oh, please don't say shit like that.
I like just assuming you're an idiot, huh? I would like to help you out, Ron, but there's no way I'm closing the club on a Saturday night.
Then keep it open.
Keep it open.
I'd mainly just invite the comics, anyway, and Trudy doesn't really have any family.
All right.
- You mean it? - Sure.
I'll have Roy emcee, huh? Ah the thing about Roy emceeing the wedding I know you know, I know that people think he's great, and I know that you-you guys are very close.
But I hate Roy.
Um also, do weddings really even have emcees? Ron, as invested in your love life as I am, and clearly you too, this is a business deal, hmm? You'll get the press in here, throw a little light on Santa Monica while Mr.
and Mrs.
Stepped in Shit grace the cover of the LA Times.
That's my offer.
You take it or leave it.
[SNIFFS.]
Great.
Now, scat.
You just dumped a shitload of work on my desk.
[INDISTINCT YELLING.]
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
Here he is.
Oh, Eddie, what's the matter? You look down.
You lose your ham? [LAUGHS.]
Um, about that, I just I-I just wanted to, um, apologize and explain why I showed up at your house this morning with that ham.
Amanda.
Oh, she-she told you.
I know my daughter.
Uh, Goldie, uh, I, uh I would just like to come out and say it so you hear it from me and not anywhere else, but I-I had I-I had carnal relations with Amanda.
[SCOFFS.]
She's 18.
I'm not in charge of shutting that barn door anymore, eh? Nor-nor-nor-nor should you be, but, um, I-I-I-I I didn't know that she was your daughter, and if I had known, I-I would never in a million years have gone near her - Relax, Zeidel.
- I'm sorry.
Trust me, it wasn't you she was screwing, huh? Okay.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV.]
Nick.
You want toaster waffles? Nick.
I got blueberry.
Nick.
Nick! [GRUNTS.]
Fuck! Okay.
- What's this? - [ROY.]
It's USC, Beth's tuition.
UCLA's not good enough? It's free.
Check bounced.
It was a couple measly thousand.
Roy, the word "measly" does not come before thousand anymore.
You are drowning in tax debt.
You got three alimonies, and you went and told Vegas to fuck You're a broken fucking record! Do you understand you're telling me that I can't dig up money for my daughter's fucking tuition? - Is that what you're saying? - Hey, messenger here.
[MUFFLED.]
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What's my out? I thought you hated broken records.
I got your three properties up for sale, but they're mortgaged to the hilt.
You'll see a little something.
- Okay, good.
- But, uh with no Vegas, it's blood from a turnip, man.
The name Roy Martin still means something.
- You remember that.
- Yeah.
Especially to your ex-wives and the IRS.
I'll just get my ass back out on the road.
Well, I hate to say it, buddy, but I'm not sure that's even gonna cut it.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hello? [GIGI.]
Who is this? You called me.
[GIGI.]
I'm a friend of Nick's.
He's kind of in bad shape.
What kind of bad shape? I have an audition.
[GIGI.]
He's fucked up, okay? This can't happen in my apartment.
Should I take him to the hospital? No, I told him he had to ease back in.
He sucks at listening.
All right.
Wait, wait.
Here, grab his fucking arm, please.
I got No, you don't.
[GRUNTING.]
[NICK.]
Mm, mm, mm.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Oh, shit! [SPITS.]
Oh, fuck.
It's good he gets it out.
Walk.
Walk.
So you want to tell me what this hair up your ass is about? No, it's an old tune.
- Money? - Mm.
Beth's tuition.
How much? It's covered.
Are you open to a proposal? Ron Shack.
- The fucking mailman hack? - Mm-hmm, who's on a ratings winner.
- Oh, right.
- Yeah.
And he wants to get married here at the club tomorrow night.
So you're a VFW now? No, it's gonna be a big deal.
There's gonna be a bunch of press A-and you're telling me this why? Well, I was thinking, you emcee this train wreck for me, you can keep the whole thing.
Door, drinks, the whole shebang.
What is this, some kind of pity fuck? No, no, you'll get some quick cash.
We get publicity for our new club.
And this thing is gonna be splashed over every entertainment section in the country.
Yeah, you know, I'm not exactly big on playing second fiddle to a fucking catchphrase.
Fuck him.
Let Nero fiddle.
This is about our long game, sweetheart.
You're next, Cassie.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, I hate to rush you, but you're the last one, you're half an hour late, and Lorne has to fly back to New York.
I'm ready.
Okay, ladies, this is not regular Goldie's tonight.
There's gonna be more press here tonight than ever before.
I had 300 of these made up.
Everyone leaving tonight, I want one in their hands or on their back, all right? I want you to push everything.
The food, the drinks Food? What about when the comics are performing? This ain't regular Goldie's.
This here's a freak show with a two-drink minimum, okay? Now go about your business.
Have a great night, ladies.
And you, come here.
You're 18.
So what you do as an adult is your business.
What are you talking about? Who you sleep with is your business, unless it's in my club with my comics.
Then you keep your dick in your skirt, huh? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[EXHALES.]
Thanks.
Feeling better? Yeah, yeah, feeling good.
Yeah, what are you doing, Nick? [SCOFFS.]
Do I look like a man with answers? [LAUGHS.]
How long? Mm it was the first time in about a-a year, yeah.
Swear to God.
[INHALES.]
- How long till you hear back? - You could have died.
That's not what you need right before - an audition, right? - The audition is fine.
But fuck you, Nick, if you're lying to me.
Cassie [DOOR CLOSES.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Are you sure it's a good idea to be having the bachelor party two hours before the wedding? And also, do you think any of this is a good idea? I just can't believe we're having a bachelor party with no strippers.
Yeah, well, I tried to get Trudy, but she had a wedding.
Hey, hey, Trudy is a retired stripper.
Hey, Ron, what's the pension plan like for strippers? - You're looking at it.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Okay, stop being mean.
To Ron and his new beautiful bride.
May she always stay unemployed.
- Hear, hear.
- [EDDIE.]
All right.
- [ROY.]
Come on.
- [DAWN.]
Hey.
- [ROY.]
Unemployed stripper.
- Mm.
- Whoo! - Ahoy-a! [CASSIE.]
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
It's better just to know up front.
Yeah, no, well, I-I really appreciate the opportunity, and, um, please tell Lorne that I said thank you.
Okay, I will.
Bye.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
[SNIFFLES.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[SLOW ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
I was a dancer in Vegas when you were there.
- No shit.
- [LAUGHS.]
I used to sneak in and watch you perform.
You were opening for Paul Anka at the time.
Oh, what a prick.
That was a long time ago and far away.
Eh, not so long.
I always had a soft spot for men who could make people laugh.
- How soft? - [LAUGHS.]
My best friend growing up, Tina, her dad was so funny.
And you could count on one hand the number of times someone laughed at my house.
I'm sorry to hear that.
It's a real gift.
You have that gift.
Where can I return it? I'm serious, though.
Anything that keeps shit at bay is a gift, right? Amen to that.
Laughing, it's it's like amnesia.
In a good way.
That makes a lot of sense.
- I like that, amnesia.
- Mm.
Want to go do some blow before the wedding? Now, that is a gift.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[BILL.]
Is everybody excited for the wedding tonight, huh? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Wow.
Benny the Mailman is getting married.
- Benny! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
To a stripper, a stripper in Hollywood.
[LAUGHS.]
Are you sure about this, pal? Pretty sure.
I mean pretty sure You are getting married.
Kind of want to be sure, sure.
No offense, pal, but you were sure about Cassie.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm sorry, that was a fucking - douche thing to say.
- Don't worry about it.
Even douche things have some truth to them.
You know what? Let's just fucking admit that we're all looking for a soft place to land, huh? Just somebody to break our fall.
Yeah, but I mean Ron, listen to me.
You've only known this girl for, what, two weeks? It's just it's a big risk, you know? [SNIFFS.]
Here's what I know, Eddie.
If not for big risks, we would most likely be back at the Combat Zone right now having this exact same conversation about me marrying some other stripper, except she'd have a South Boston accent.
Big risks are what brought us this far.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
I got to tell you, in the eyes of the Lord, this thing He's asleep.
He's not watching any of this.
Very disappointed, very disappointed.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[ROY AND TRUDY LAUGHING.]
You said it yourself.
Don't fuck the comics.
Gold, Gold.
Rolling Stone is here.
Ben Fong-Torres wants to sit down and discuss Santa Monica.
Oh, shit, get him up to the office.
Is everybody having a good time? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Oh! Like I give a fuck.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Where is our beautiful coup There they are.
Look at you.
- Aren't they wonderful? - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Ronnie, you're gonna be married to a beautiful stripper, which is gonna be strange once you're living together, because in my opinion, you're the one with the sweet set of titties, my friend.
I got to tell you right now, huh? Oh, look, just take one of them out, come on.
Come on, I bet you got nipples like you got nipples like dinner plates, don't you? - Ah, come on.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Easy, pal.
- I'm glad you're laughing.
- We're gonna be passing around tissues, okay? When the box of tissue comes by, it-it-it's not gonna be for tears of joy.
It's gonna be to take care of that fucking cocaine drip, all right, so give it a good rub on the two-car "garagie," because the photog is around, and you don't want to have your fucking rent in your left nostril.
[LAUGHTER.]
Every time I sneeze, it's a fucking car payment.
[LAUGHTER.]
Right, Ronnie? You betcha.
It's wedding time! [LAUGHTER.]
I just want to say, um [EXHALES.]
I don't know what I want I just want to say, um marriage.
Right? Ah.
Uh [EXHALES.]
I'm the I'm probably the last to give any advice o-on marriage, believe me.
I, uh I had three of them, so you you'd think I'd know something.
But, uh, I don't.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
Kindness is what comes to mind.
I think that's important.
They say the most important thing is health, but I beg to differ, because I was a healthy asshole for many years, and that didn't do much for my marriages.
So I'm gonna go with kindness.
Kindness is what I wish you both.
Be good to each other.
Be kind to each other.
To the happy couple! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Yay! Whoo! Thank you.
I do love you But it's All right Uh, Ron knew Trudy was the one 'cause it was love at first [BLUBBERING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[ROMANTIC MUSIC.]
[EDGAR.]
Ron, you disheveled lesbian.
You look like what would happen if Peppermint Patty fucked Pig Pen.
[LAUGHTER.]
[DAWN.]
Trudy's a redheaded girl.
Ron's a talking pig with a best friend who look like a rat.
What the fuck is this, Charlotte's Web? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Ron, your dick is like the Titanic.
It's cold, unsatisfying, and all the survivors are still haunted by the memories of it to this day.
[LAUGHTER.]
Never gonna let, gonna let, gonna let you go Trudy's father couldn't be here today to give her away 'cause Ron didn't want to be in the same room with the last guy that fucked her.
[GROANS AND LAUGHTER.]
I would like to "protose a post" to Eddie.
- Okay.
- And to a lesser extent, Adam.
My two best friends.
I love you guys.
- We're here for you.
- Yeah, buddy.
Yeah.
I would also like to propose a toast to Gloria, - my beautiful, smart - [RON.]
Den mother.
[LAUGHTER.]
Okay, fuck you.
[BILL.]
I got to give it to her.
Tomorrow UPI is gonna splash this on every entertainment page across all 50 states.
She took a pile of shit tonight and spun it into gold.
All so she could plug her new club under the guise of this fucking fiasco.
New club's good for everybody.
Another place to perform.
Yeah, for fucking free.
It's a school, remember? Yeah, it's a school that no one's ever graduated from.
Let's just say Goldie's is a school, okay.
So comics come from all over to cut their teeth, right? To go on to be bigger and better.
Then what's Santa Monica? Is that a school too? No, it's a tourist attraction.
It's not about honing our craft or freedom of expression.
It's about not paying comics.
It's about using your name and my name and Roy fucking Martin's name to line her pockets once again.
Man's got a point.
- Get off me.
- I don't care.
Right here, yep, yep.
[ALL GRUNTING.]
Jesus, okay.
Hey, give me a hug.
Give me a hug, man.
- I love you.
- I love you so much.
- I love you too.
I love you.
- I fucking mean it.
- All right.
I love you.
- I fucking mean it.
- I mean it.
Do you believe me? - I believe you.
Hey, hey, hey.
Who do you think you're talking to out there, huh? What, don't like your own medicine? You have no idea what's going on between Roy and me.
We have known each other for years, and we are business partners.
Do you understand? Whatever.
Don't you "whatever" me, young lady.
There is a big difference between fucking comics and the relationship that Roy and I have, hmm? Well, I think it's a little late for you to be concerned about me fucking comics.
- What are you talking about? - Seriously? Who do you think I lost my virginity to? A comic.
Right here in your club when I was 15.
Come on, Mom, you left them here to watch me while you ran errands.
What'd you think was gonna happen, that they'd help me with my homework? Who? Relax.
It was consensual.
- What? - You're really surprised? Yeah, I had my first fuck here, my first drink, joint, and line of cocaine.
- Lower your voice.
- And the people you left - to watch me were kids themselves.
- Lower your goddamn fucking voice.
I used to wonder how someone so savvy could have such a gigantic blind spot.
[SOFTLY.]
You tell me.
You tell me who you're talking about.
Why? Who are you gonna avenge? Me or you? Cassie, I got Chinese.
You like chow mein, right? You lied.
What are you talking about? There's dried blood on the inside of your shirts.
You said, uh, this was your first time.
Cass.
It's old blood.
[LAUGHS.]
- You selfish piece of shit.
- Hey.
All right, look, you have every right to be upset.
Oh, do I? Thank you for giving me permission to be angry, Nick.
I blew my audition taking care of you.
I don't know when I'm gonna stop doing this shit.
I really don't.
I'm sorry.
It's my fault.
I'm, uh - a fuckup.
- No.
I am a fuckup.
I'm a fuckup.
[SNIFFLES.]
I I know exactly who you are.
You are who you are.
And I knew that, and I invited it into my house.
I invited this in, and I keep inviting this in.
You are just the most recent boulder that I have placed in my path.
Okay.
No.
Hey.
- Hey.
- No, don't.
- Okay.
- Just don't.
Don't.
Just get out, Nick.
Just get the fuck out.
[SIGHS.]
Fuck.
[LAUGHTER.]
Hey, you guys seen Trudy? Yeah, she went out to the parking lot with Roy.
Said they were gonna do lines.
[ADAM.]
Oh, no, they drove off.
If you ask me, it seemed like a little jus primae noctis.
- What? - You know, medieval times.
A king was allowed to have sex with subordinate women on their wedding night.
- All right.
- [EDGAR.]
You know about that? [RALPH.]
No.
[ROY YELLING INDISTINCTLY.]
[TRUDY.]
Roy, are you out of your fucking mind? [TENSE MUSIC.]
What are you doing? Roy, can you open the fucking door, please? - He's crazy.
- What the fuck are you - doing here? - There's something wrong with him I mean seriously wrong.
I think he's gonna kill himself.
Just go home to your husband, okay? Jesus fucking Christ.
[SIGHS.]
Roy? Fuck.
Roy! Hey, Eddie.
Welcome to the top.
Don't move, Roy.
Do not fucking move.
Jesus Christ.
Hey, Roy.
Roy! [GRUNTS.]
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Okay, I get it, all right? Commitment to the bit.
Okay, come on back.
All I want Is an audience An audience like you Here I am.
You got me.
I want to hear you laugh and applaud Of all things I do You may call me a ham I don't give a damn - Easy, Roy.
- I'll confess it's true Fuck, Roy! Jesus fucking Christ, Roy! Stop screaming! You trying to fucking kill me? No, no, no, no, Roy.
Come on over, all right? Just come over the railing and fucking knock it off, okay? Have you ever heard of Aesop, Eddie? Aesop, you fucking idiot, Aesop! Yeah, Aesop, I've heard of fucking Aesop.
Well have you heard of the cat-maiden's tale? Oh.
No, I haven't heard of that one.
- Why don't you come over the railing - The gods were disputing whether people could really change their nature.
And Jupiter said yes, and Venus said no.
So they thought they would put it to the test, and they took this cat, you see, and they turned it into a maiden.
And they gave it to this young guy as his wife.
Okay? So the wedding, it goes off well.
The young couple - Easy.
- they sit down - Uh-huh.
- Fuck.
for the wedding feast, and everything's peachy.
And Jupiter, being that cocky motherfucker, says, "Look at that.
She's a goddamn maiden.
Who would have thought that yesterday she was a cat? Surely, people can change their nature.
" - Right - Venus being a cunt, said "Hold the fort.
" She's smart.
She sends a mouse into the room.
[LAUGHS.]
That bride jumps out of her chair and pounces on that motherfucker! Please, Roy.
Easy, easy, easy.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
[EXHALES.]
I'm a cat.
I'm a cat, Eddie.
I can't do a fucking thing about it.
Nature dictates who we are.
We just pull it off.
Roy! [BOTH GRUNTING.]
Oh, fuck.
You really You didn't think this one out, did you? Uh, no, I haven't.
[GRUNTS.]
If I let go what are you gonna do? I don't know.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
I don't want to be this anymore.
I don't want to be I don't want to be Roy Martin.
[LUTZ.]
Antidepressants, lithium, alcohol, cocaine.
That's quite a cocktail.
And, uh what do I do if he wakes up? Do I do something or Uh, get him coffee.
Bring him the paper.
What's your job here? I don't know.
What I just filled him with will knock the crazy out of him for a while.
Got it.
Um, hey, Doc, um - I don't have any money, so - Don't worry.
Somebody always picks up the tab before it hits the papers.
Best to Ron.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- [SIGHS.]
[GROANS.]
[SIGHS.]
Consider this our honeymoon.
It's actually turtle nesting season.
They come out of the water and lay their eggs on the beach at night.
It's supposed to be cool.
There's some cash there, too, if you just want to stay there.
My lawyer will take care of the annulment, so Well, if you're ever in Venice Can I ask you something? Why did you go with Roy last night, of all nights? I don't know.
Why did you ever think you loved me? [DOOR CLOSES.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Oh! Oh, fuck.
Excuse me, have you seen a man, tall? Eh, oh, fuck.
Roy! Oh, fuck.
Oh, my God.
[LINDA RONSTADT'S "LONG LONG TIME" PLAYING Love will abide Take things in stride [PHONE RINGING.]
Sounds like good advice But there's no one at my side And time Washes clean Love's wounds unseen [RINGING CONTINUES.]
That's what someone told me But I don't know what It means 'cause I've Done everything I know To try and make you mine [RINGING CONTINUES.]
And I think I'm gonna love you For a long, long time
- [SNORTS.]
[RON.]
Previously on I'm Dying Up Here I'm sorry, what's your fucking name again? - Trudy.
- [GOLDIE.]
Lorne Michaels.
They're shooting his sketch show for NBC.
They want to do it live out of New York City.
Wendy's coming Thursday night to catch your act.
Look, I know that I fucked up bad, and I am so sorry for the shit I said on Carson.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
- Mort's booking.
Hey, uh, Mort, it's, uh, Bill Hobbs.
- Whoa, please! - You think love conquers all? The people you love will fucking forgive you, but they will do it in a way where you can't forgive yourself! [JAZZY PERCUSSION.]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
[DISTANT SIREN WAILING.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Fuck.
[BREATHING SHAKILY.]
[TISH.]
So why now? Why Santa Monica? [GOLDIE.]
Demand.
These are troubled times.
People want to laugh, you know? And Goldie's has set the standard - for live comedy in LA - [TISH.]
Yes.
and you get Roy Martin, the best of the best, headlining, you can't get better bang for your buck than that.
Well, as for Santa Monica, it's really more for the comics, you see.
That way, when they bomb, they only have to go west a couple blocks and they can go right in the ocean.
[LAUGHTER.]
Hey, um, let's get a couple of shots here of the Queen of Comedy and her Clown Prince.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
[TISH.]
Aw, that's nice.
There you go, happy.
One more.
That's great.
That's great.
- All righty, is that good? - [TISH.]
Yeah, that's great.
- Okay, all righty.
- Fantastic.
- So how have you been, anyway? - [TISH.]
I've been okay.
I've been okay.
Look at my new ring.
- [GOLDIE.]
Oh, my God.
- [TISH.]
Isn't it gorgeous? [GOLDIE.]
Oh, my God.
It's so beautiful.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[RENE.]
You're bad luck, Benny.
Last time you were here, you gave me an envelope with a big red "audit" printed on the front.
[RON.]
Don't shoot the mail messenger.
[RENE.]
And that is not the line.
Eh, that ain't the line you wrote.
Read the words, Ron.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
It's not my fault you tried to write off your model airplane collection.
You're right, Ern.
God forbid America should miss out on these words.
All right, so, what, are we the only ones taking this shit seriously? Hey, Rene, I am offended, okay? Because I take these white depictions of black stereotypes very seriously.
You you think this shit is fu you think this is funny? - Huh, you think this is funny? - Stop.
Stop it, all right? You know what? Everyone take ten.
Ten, that's ten, everyone, please.
You, you stay.
Yeah, all right, I agree.
We got to have a meeting about this guy.
He's got some shit to work out.
I mean, you can't go through life like that.
May I speak plainly, Ronnie? - Can I stop you? - You're Benny the Mailman.
You're not Marlon Brando.
You're not Jack Lemmon.
You're Benny the Mailman.
Okay, you're not gonna segue this into a movie career or stage or anything else.
At best, you'll be the voice of an animated dog or the bottom left-hand corner on Hollywood Squares.
But you see, you're Benny the Mailman.
That's who you are.
And you are not the guy who's gonna run roughshod over my show.
No, you're gonna come in here, you're gonna hit your mark, say your lines.
Then you're gonna go out, and you're gonna fuck the remaining self-esteem out of whatever extra is dumb enough to think that you're her ladder to success.
Am I clear? [WHISPERING.]
A lot to unpack there.
May I speak plainly, Ernie? Well, that seems only fair, Ronnie.
Here's who I am, okay? I'm the guy that took your show from the lower 40s all the way up to number seven in the ratings.
That's who I am.
[ERNIE.]
I got to give it to you, Ronnie.
It usually takes years to develop - this kind of misplaced hubris.
- I'm a prodigy.
[DON.]
You're letting everyone down, Ron.
- Okay, the crew, the cast, everyone.
- [RON.]
Fuck the cast.
I apologized to them.
They told me to shove it up my ass.
[MOCKINGLY.]
Am I clear? [LAUGHS.]
All right, if anybody needs me, I'll be taking a nap in my double-wide.
- You don't have a double-wide.
- Holy shit, he's right.
Can you take care of that for me, Ernie? How the fuck did you not see that coming? James I have a little whitefish salad and some warm champagne.
I thought we could have a little nosh before we pick up my mother.
Or you can nosh on me.
Marty Simkovitz said I taste like kugel.
Oh, also, James, I hope you don't mind, but I invited Dr.
No for my sister Sadie.
She is partial to lawyers, but I thought it'd be nice to have a doctor in the family - James, where are you going? - [LAUGHTER.]
Where you going? Come back here.
Let me look at you, little pudding.
Where you going? Moscow? Ugh, this time of year? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I will transfer our tickets to Puerto Vallarta.
It's so beautiful, you'll plotz! [LAUGHTER.]
You gonna clean this up? Then what are the ants gonna do? You're a slob, you know that? Yes, Mother Hobbs.
Look, I know you're going through a lot, but can you just remember that two people are living here? What "lot" are you referring to? Fuck it.
Just clean up your shit.
[SCOFFS.]
You know what? - Got a better idea.
- Yeah? How about this? How's this, huh? How's this for cleaning up, Bill? Seriously? - Yeah.
- You're gonna leave because I gave you shit about cleaning up? Yeah, that's right.
For the maid.
[GROOVY MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
[RON EXHALES.]
[TRUDY.]
I can't believe your bedroom looks into your swimming pool.
Mine looks down onto the parking lot of a Pioneer Chicken.
Well, at my last place, my view was a mole on the back of my roommate's neck, so this is a big step up.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, it must be nice, though.
Being a star.
Coming home to all this.
It's all right.
[SNORTS.]
What, you don't like it? No I li Okay, I remember when the Bruins won the Stanley Cup back in '70, my father worked for Kevin White, the mayor of Boston, and he got us into this private party for the Bruins.
And there was fucking Orr, and there's Esposito, and there's Cheevers, and then right there in the middle of the room was the Stanley Cup, the holy grail of hockey.
Okay, and I I'm walking over there 'cause I just want to touch it.
I just want to I just want to I just want to touch it.
And my father says, "No, Ron! You can't touch it 'cause you didn't earn it.
" [SNIFFS.]
And I thought he was an idiot, you know? 'Cause it's I can touch it.
It's right here.
It's right in front of me.
But now I know that he was right, because all this shit that I can touch, it doesn't fucking feel like anything, you know? 'Cause I 'cause I think I skipped over the "earning it" part, and I think I needed it.
Like, I think I j I think I need more.
[SNIFFS.]
You're unfulfilled.
I am unfulfilled.
- [GASPS.]
Oh, my God! - What? - You know who you are? - Who? You're Jonathan Livingston Seagull! - Who? - He was this seagull who wanted more too, so he set out to be extraordinary.
The other birds were assholes and said that he was full of himself just because - he wanted to soar.
- See, that's just like me.
All the birds at work think I'm a dick 'cause I'm always trying to soar.
But you know what? Jonathan Livingston Seagull showed them.
He went, and he learned how to fly.
Like, really fly.
And that is when they all saw what he was made of.
It's basically the Ron Shack story, told through a bird that'll eat garbage.
[LAUGHS.]
I guess we're all just suffering for our art.
Just 'cause we want to soar.
It's just 'cause I want to soar.
I just want to fucking soar.
- [KNOCKING.]
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- You wanted to see me? - You forget something? Happy birthday! It's the fucking liquor order again.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
Donnie from the kitchen dropped a block of frozen drumsticks on his foot, so I've been handling that.
What the fuck is going on with you lately? And where the hell have you been? Or are you gonna give me a song and dance for that one too? It's personal.
Personal? Hmm.
I got VD.
It's not pretty.
The doctor said it's, uh, the worst case he's ever seen in his entire life.
The girl was from Germany, so it's Who am I, the Guinness Book of World Records? Get some moldy crackers and do your fucking job.
Otherwise, I will give it to someone else.
- Are we clear? - Clear.
As I sometime in the near future hope to be myself.
Shut the fucking door.
All right, all right, okay.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
She's onto us, man.
She's onto Mort.
- Goldie? - Yeah.
- How? - She noticed I haven't been here lately.
Told you I was fucking vital.
What'd you say? Don't worry.
I took care of it.
I told her I had the clap.
I'm trying to be quick on my feet here.
That's not even quick on your knees, all right? Isn't there a process that words go through before they come out of your stupid fucking mouth? Oh, yeah, do you ever think she might be suspicious 'cause of you, Mr.
Highfalutin? What, am I mopping ostentatiously? No, I'm talking about your fly-ass pimp suit, Dolemite.
For months, you've been eating like you're a cast member in Oliver.
All of a sudden, her janitor's got a nice new suit? Goldie picks up on shit, man.
So Goldie figured out Mort because of your syphilis and because of my new suit? Ron, Columbo couldn't put that together.
Shh, just be smart about it.
Lay low, ese.
What the fuck? My own parking spot in the front? Just the perks of being a big-time TV writer.
Shit, that's like having my own handicapped space without the fake limp.
[LAUGHS.]
So you on board? - Sign me the fuck up.
- [BOTH.]
Yeah! [LAUGHTER.]
Hey, couldn't help but overhearing.
Congratulations.
Probably 'cause you were fucking listening in.
Maybe, maybe.
[LAUGHS.]
Just gonna float this out there.
If you guys are looking for writers for the show, you know, I want to throw my hat in the ring.
Got pretty extensive knowledge of black culture.
Oh, saw Guess Who's Coming to Dinner a few times? Yeah, you know, uh, growing up in Cold Lake, Alberta, there was a black family.
They happened to be my next-door neighbor, and, uh, I actually, uh, got to know their culture pretty well.
- [RALPH.]
Mm-hmm.
- Got to see the differences and the similarities.
[DAWN.]
Wow, one black Canadian family.
That's like going to see Siegfried and Roy and saying now you an expert on tigers.
[LAUGHTER.]
[CHORTLES.]
Why are you even looking for another job, anyways, man? You practically run this place.
What, a guy's not allowed to expand his options? - Look for the next thing? - [RALPH.]
Uh, look, Arnie.
Um it's not up to us, you know? We got to get network approval, and then you'd have to submit a packet of writing samples and [EXHALES.]
Definitely.
[ADAM.]
Despite your extensive, you know, exposure to black culture - Your plethora of knowledge.
- [ADAM.]
Whoa.
Okay, um I don't think you're the voice that we-we looking for o-or need or want.
Right.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, hey, you know, whatever, you know.
Not for nothing, let me know if that changes.
And, uh, you know a white mind is a terrible thing to waste too.
[ADAM.]
Oh, okay, that's it for me.
Noted.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I, uh I apologize if I, uh, appear to be a little nervous.
It's because I've been performing in the Cellar, so, uh, crowds frighten me.
Holy shit, well.
I've never seen such a good-looking couple.
Two fucking runway models right here, Jesus Christ.
It's like what Hitler was going for.
[AUDIENCE GROANS.]
What are you guys doing after the show, modeling for a fucking art class? You know, I have not one artistic bone in my body, but I would like to sketch the two of you using charcoal.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, hello, new waitress.
Can I come home with the two of you? I swear, I'll just sit in the corner and watch silently.
I'm very good at it.
I'm very good.
Seriously, would you two like to just come onstage for the rest of my set and walk around? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[SLOW JAZZY MUSIC.]
Hey.
Good idea.
No one'll know we slept together with that empty seat between us.
I just assume people don't want to talk to me.
Saves time.
So how's shit at Bill's? Yeah, it is exactly that: shit.
- Oh.
- Bill and I broke up.
- Aw.
- Decided I wanted to see other mothers.
- You moved out? - Yeah, something like that.
Eh, it's all good.
Perfectly coincides with my car getting out of the shop, so I'm living in my back seat.
Really just swapping out ass smells.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, I'd say crash at my place, but seeing where that got us last time Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I guess.
You know what? Fuck it.
You need a place to stay.
I got plenty of room.
And by that, I mean I have a sofa.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- We're both adults.
I can control myself if you can.
Who, me? Oh, I am nothing if not a model of self-control.
Oh, great.
Well, mi sofá es su sofá.
Gracias.
[EDDIE.]
All right, thank you very much.
That's my time.
At the very least, you have all been an extremely attractive audience.
Thank you.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[RALPH.]
Eddie Zeidel, ladies and gentlemen.
Keep it going for Mr.
Eddie Zeidel.
You guys are a fantastic crowd Thank you, new waitress.
You're welcome, main stage comic.
You know, you're spoiling me, because in the Cellar, the waitresses just pool all of the unfinished drinks into a bucket and throw in a couple of cherries.
Well, I can do better than that.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Whoo! Let me ask you a question.
What is the record time from walking off stage to blow job in a supply closet? 'Cause I, uh, think I just set it.
- Congrats.
Who'd you blow? - Yeah.
- Mm.
- [ADAM.]
You use a stopwatch, or did you "one, Mississippi, two, Mississippi," bobbing your head up and down? Hmm, that's funny.
[LAUGHTER.]
Well, why don't you ask the new waitress? She's a little cutie, isn't she? [BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh! - Damn! - What is the record from blow job to getting shitcanned by Goldie? What are you talking about? That's Goldie's daughter, dickhead.
[LAUGHS.]
[GULPS.]
No, it's not.
Shut up.
- [ADAM.]
Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
Shut the fuck up.
No, it's no, it's not.
Shut the fuck up.
Why didn't somebody fucking tell me? - Are you kidding me? - If you're not out writing with Roy, you're avoiding hanging around so you don't bump into Cassie.
Not our fault you're behind the times.
[ADAM.]
What, do you not ask girls' names before you take them to supply closets? - Damn.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm gonna throw up.
I love this so much.
[CALM MUSIC.]
[RON.]
You ever been to Venice? [TRUDY.]
Once.
When I was six.
It's been my dream to live there ever since.
Yeah, it'd be pretty cool to live in Italy.
Not Italy.
Venice, Florida.
That's your dream? To move to Florida? [SCOFFS.]
They have sand dollars.
And you can walk out into the shallow water for miles.
And it always looks like the sun is setting.
My dad took me there before he died.
I think it'd be a really nice place to live.
Raise a family.
I think Venice, Florida, sounds pretty fucking awesome.
Now you're just making fun of me.
No, I'm not.
No, I'm not.
I mean it.
I mean it.
Hey, what are you doing this weekend? Working.
Gas company's on my ass, and I need a new blow-dryer.
Those don't come cheap.
How'd you like to hang up your G-string? Oh, hey, Amanda.
Um, hey.
Sorry, um, hi.
Can I steal you for just a-a moment? Yeah.
- Hi.
How are you? - Hey.
Good.
So I, uh you know, I-I-I didn't know that you were, uh, Goldie's daughter, and not that I didn't have a great time with you.
- Mm-hmm.
It was a good time.
- But I probably wouldn't have you know.
Not that it wasn't great, but I just didn't know, and I Uh-huh.
am now feeling like I should try and tell you that I we probably shouldn't - you know.
- Eddie, it's okay.
I already told Mom.
I'm sorry, you Yeah, she's totally cool with it.
She likes you.
Said you were a decent guy, which was a big relief to me.
I mean, who wants to date a guy their mother hates, right? Was that a was that a date? Well, yeah.
What'd you think? You think I'd just randomly do that? I Uh, no, I do not think that.
But, you know, typically, on a date, you go to a lovely restaurant, and you order a bottle of wine or something, you know? You don't go somewhere so flammable.
Yeah, well, my mom is so happy that I've finally met a nice guy that she wants you to come for breakfast tomorrow.
Okay, are-are you fucking with me right now? Well, if you don't want to come, just say so.
Excuse me, no, no, no, no.
I-I would love to come.
I-I would love to come.
No, I'll-I'll I'll be there.
Should I, uh should I should I bring anything? Ham.
Ham? She loves ham.
- Okay.
- Nine a.
m.
sharp.
Yup.
[GRUNTS.]
Oh, okay.
You know what I was thinking might be good for our club? You do know we have to build it before we can burn it down for the insurance money? - Oh! - [LAUGHTER.]
No, I was thinking how about you on the talk show circuit? Hmm? Hmm? Merv, Mike Douglas, Dinah Shore, they all love you.
People already know who I am, all right? Oh, I know.
It's just, you've been tucked away in Vegas for so long, I thought maybe a little reintroduction to the TV dinner crowd, it might not be a bad idea.
If I buy a dryer at Sears, I draw a bigger crowd than those fucking comics you got headlining.
- Okay? - What's the problem? No, it-it's my club too, Goldie.
I'm saying it isn't? Okay, so just quit barking orders, all right? I didn't sign up to be the, uh, second banana to the Queen of Comedy here.
Oh.
Look, Tish was just tossing that out there.
I'll call her, tell her not to Forget it! The time to tell her was when she said it.
[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
Neptune's Delight, my cock.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[SNIFFS.]
[GOLDIE.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, here I come.
Coming.
Here I come.
What are you doing here? I'm, uh, here for breakfast.
I brought the ham.
Ham? Fuck.
Just so I know who to blame which one of us couldn't control ourselves last night? Well, last I remember, we were watching a nature documentary on TV.
Oh.
And, uh, a couple zebras got a little horny.
Oh.
And here we are.
- Fucking zebras.
- Pound town.
[LAUGHS.]
Aw, shit.
I got to drop off rent by 11.
Um, the, uh hot water in the shower runs out after ten minutes.
And, um, there are pliers on top of the TV that change the station.
And I think that's all the important news.
I hope you enjoy the amenities.
Yeah, thank you.
Fantastic.
All right.
- Bye.
- Oh, the old shake, all right.
Have a good day.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Uh, try not to light anything on fire.
No.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[EXHALES.]
- You're what? - [RON.]
I'm getting married.
You gonna be my best man or what? Okay.
I pride myself on having talked you out of some pretty stupid shit over the past couple years, but this feels like something you shouldn't need my help with.
What's wrong with me getting married? Is it 'cause she's a stripper? 'Cause she's a lot more than that.
She loves cats, and she's planning on doing something with that.
Ron, this is you going off again, okay? No, it's not.
No, it's not, Eddie.
I fucking thought about it, man, and I love her, okay? It's time.
I hate when you act like I haven't - thought stuff through.
- Oh, like a couple weeks ago when you came within minutes of buying a bear cub? I wish he was here right now.
I wish the bear was here right now, 'cause he's a lot more supportive than you are.
He was trained, Eddie.
Every time you said something stupid, he could let out a little roar.
All right, all right, all right.
Let me ask you a question.
Do you think this decision has anything to do with the fact that you've been jacked up on cocaine for the past month? No, not at all.
I can't explain it to you, but it just it just feels right, you know, and-and very little in my life does feel right right now.
It's-it's like she's my anti-echo chamber, you know? - Your what? - You know, like when your fucking head starts saying all this really, really negative shit about yourself, like, and you're like, "Yeah, head, you're probably right.
I probably am a fucking talentless, unfunny, worthless piece of shit.
" Trudy's the one that's there going, "Uh-uh, Ron's head.
Ron's great.
" Does your head really talk to you like that? Yeah, he's not on my side.
Let's-let's just say that.
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
All right.
Yeah, I'll be your best man.
- Yeah? Okay.
- Okay, all right.
Take it easy.
Now I just need you to convince Goldie to let me have the wedding on the main stage.
- Are you serious? - Yep.
Are you just trying to up the ante on the fucked-up-ed-ness? No, man, Goldie's is where it all started for me.
You know, it's the place of both my humble origins and my greatest success.
Plus, Trudy-Trudy likes that shit.
She'll get a kick out of it.
Isn't she tired of stages by now? Trust me, I get the appeal, but you get one more week of stripper jokes.
As much as I'd love to help, it's just a a little complicated with Goldie right now.
What happened? Well, her daughter blew me in the supply closet last night and had me come over Goldie's this morning with a ham.
That may feel like a complete story to you, but there's still some dots that need connecting.
Well, I didn't know she was Goldie's daughter, and she's a waitress in the club, and she's very pretty, and she's funny.
But I actually think she's a little crazy.
[LAUGHS.]
I got to tell you, Eddie, it's stories like this that make me glad I'm settling down.
[INHALES.]
Whoo! [EXHALES.]
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV.]
[EXHALES.]
I'm getting married.
I'm actually, uh I'm actually getting married.
Yeah, no, just I came to tell you I'm getting married.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, fuck.
Fuck yes.
- [GOLDIE.]
When? - Saturday night.
This Saturday? Money's no object.
Oh, please don't say shit like that.
I like just assuming you're an idiot, huh? I would like to help you out, Ron, but there's no way I'm closing the club on a Saturday night.
Then keep it open.
Keep it open.
I'd mainly just invite the comics, anyway, and Trudy doesn't really have any family.
All right.
- You mean it? - Sure.
I'll have Roy emcee, huh? Ah the thing about Roy emceeing the wedding I know you know, I know that people think he's great, and I know that you-you guys are very close.
But I hate Roy.
Um also, do weddings really even have emcees? Ron, as invested in your love life as I am, and clearly you too, this is a business deal, hmm? You'll get the press in here, throw a little light on Santa Monica while Mr.
and Mrs.
Stepped in Shit grace the cover of the LA Times.
That's my offer.
You take it or leave it.
[SNIFFS.]
Great.
Now, scat.
You just dumped a shitload of work on my desk.
[INDISTINCT YELLING.]
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
Here he is.
Oh, Eddie, what's the matter? You look down.
You lose your ham? [LAUGHS.]
Um, about that, I just I-I just wanted to, um, apologize and explain why I showed up at your house this morning with that ham.
Amanda.
Oh, she-she told you.
I know my daughter.
Uh, Goldie, uh, I, uh I would just like to come out and say it so you hear it from me and not anywhere else, but I-I had I-I had carnal relations with Amanda.
[SCOFFS.]
She's 18.
I'm not in charge of shutting that barn door anymore, eh? Nor-nor-nor-nor should you be, but, um, I-I-I-I I didn't know that she was your daughter, and if I had known, I-I would never in a million years have gone near her - Relax, Zeidel.
- I'm sorry.
Trust me, it wasn't you she was screwing, huh? Okay.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV.]
Nick.
You want toaster waffles? Nick.
I got blueberry.
Nick.
Nick! [GRUNTS.]
Fuck! Okay.
- What's this? - [ROY.]
It's USC, Beth's tuition.
UCLA's not good enough? It's free.
Check bounced.
It was a couple measly thousand.
Roy, the word "measly" does not come before thousand anymore.
You are drowning in tax debt.
You got three alimonies, and you went and told Vegas to fuck You're a broken fucking record! Do you understand you're telling me that I can't dig up money for my daughter's fucking tuition? - Is that what you're saying? - Hey, messenger here.
[MUFFLED.]
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What's my out? I thought you hated broken records.
I got your three properties up for sale, but they're mortgaged to the hilt.
You'll see a little something.
- Okay, good.
- But, uh with no Vegas, it's blood from a turnip, man.
The name Roy Martin still means something.
- You remember that.
- Yeah.
Especially to your ex-wives and the IRS.
I'll just get my ass back out on the road.
Well, I hate to say it, buddy, but I'm not sure that's even gonna cut it.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hello? [GIGI.]
Who is this? You called me.
[GIGI.]
I'm a friend of Nick's.
He's kind of in bad shape.
What kind of bad shape? I have an audition.
[GIGI.]
He's fucked up, okay? This can't happen in my apartment.
Should I take him to the hospital? No, I told him he had to ease back in.
He sucks at listening.
All right.
Wait, wait.
Here, grab his fucking arm, please.
I got No, you don't.
[GRUNTING.]
[NICK.]
Mm, mm, mm.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Oh, shit! [SPITS.]
Oh, fuck.
It's good he gets it out.
Walk.
Walk.
So you want to tell me what this hair up your ass is about? No, it's an old tune.
- Money? - Mm.
Beth's tuition.
How much? It's covered.
Are you open to a proposal? Ron Shack.
- The fucking mailman hack? - Mm-hmm, who's on a ratings winner.
- Oh, right.
- Yeah.
And he wants to get married here at the club tomorrow night.
So you're a VFW now? No, it's gonna be a big deal.
There's gonna be a bunch of press A-and you're telling me this why? Well, I was thinking, you emcee this train wreck for me, you can keep the whole thing.
Door, drinks, the whole shebang.
What is this, some kind of pity fuck? No, no, you'll get some quick cash.
We get publicity for our new club.
And this thing is gonna be splashed over every entertainment section in the country.
Yeah, you know, I'm not exactly big on playing second fiddle to a fucking catchphrase.
Fuck him.
Let Nero fiddle.
This is about our long game, sweetheart.
You're next, Cassie.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, I hate to rush you, but you're the last one, you're half an hour late, and Lorne has to fly back to New York.
I'm ready.
Okay, ladies, this is not regular Goldie's tonight.
There's gonna be more press here tonight than ever before.
I had 300 of these made up.
Everyone leaving tonight, I want one in their hands or on their back, all right? I want you to push everything.
The food, the drinks Food? What about when the comics are performing? This ain't regular Goldie's.
This here's a freak show with a two-drink minimum, okay? Now go about your business.
Have a great night, ladies.
And you, come here.
You're 18.
So what you do as an adult is your business.
What are you talking about? Who you sleep with is your business, unless it's in my club with my comics.
Then you keep your dick in your skirt, huh? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[EXHALES.]
Thanks.
Feeling better? Yeah, yeah, feeling good.
Yeah, what are you doing, Nick? [SCOFFS.]
Do I look like a man with answers? [LAUGHS.]
How long? Mm it was the first time in about a-a year, yeah.
Swear to God.
[INHALES.]
- How long till you hear back? - You could have died.
That's not what you need right before - an audition, right? - The audition is fine.
But fuck you, Nick, if you're lying to me.
Cassie [DOOR CLOSES.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Are you sure it's a good idea to be having the bachelor party two hours before the wedding? And also, do you think any of this is a good idea? I just can't believe we're having a bachelor party with no strippers.
Yeah, well, I tried to get Trudy, but she had a wedding.
Hey, hey, Trudy is a retired stripper.
Hey, Ron, what's the pension plan like for strippers? - You're looking at it.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Okay, stop being mean.
To Ron and his new beautiful bride.
May she always stay unemployed.
- Hear, hear.
- [EDDIE.]
All right.
- [ROY.]
Come on.
- [DAWN.]
Hey.
- [ROY.]
Unemployed stripper.
- Mm.
- Whoo! - Ahoy-a! [CASSIE.]
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
It's better just to know up front.
Yeah, no, well, I-I really appreciate the opportunity, and, um, please tell Lorne that I said thank you.
Okay, I will.
Bye.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
[SNIFFLES.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[SLOW ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
I was a dancer in Vegas when you were there.
- No shit.
- [LAUGHS.]
I used to sneak in and watch you perform.
You were opening for Paul Anka at the time.
Oh, what a prick.
That was a long time ago and far away.
Eh, not so long.
I always had a soft spot for men who could make people laugh.
- How soft? - [LAUGHS.]
My best friend growing up, Tina, her dad was so funny.
And you could count on one hand the number of times someone laughed at my house.
I'm sorry to hear that.
It's a real gift.
You have that gift.
Where can I return it? I'm serious, though.
Anything that keeps shit at bay is a gift, right? Amen to that.
Laughing, it's it's like amnesia.
In a good way.
That makes a lot of sense.
- I like that, amnesia.
- Mm.
Want to go do some blow before the wedding? Now, that is a gift.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[BILL.]
Is everybody excited for the wedding tonight, huh? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Wow.
Benny the Mailman is getting married.
- Benny! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
To a stripper, a stripper in Hollywood.
[LAUGHS.]
Are you sure about this, pal? Pretty sure.
I mean pretty sure You are getting married.
Kind of want to be sure, sure.
No offense, pal, but you were sure about Cassie.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm sorry, that was a fucking - douche thing to say.
- Don't worry about it.
Even douche things have some truth to them.
You know what? Let's just fucking admit that we're all looking for a soft place to land, huh? Just somebody to break our fall.
Yeah, but I mean Ron, listen to me.
You've only known this girl for, what, two weeks? It's just it's a big risk, you know? [SNIFFS.]
Here's what I know, Eddie.
If not for big risks, we would most likely be back at the Combat Zone right now having this exact same conversation about me marrying some other stripper, except she'd have a South Boston accent.
Big risks are what brought us this far.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
I got to tell you, in the eyes of the Lord, this thing He's asleep.
He's not watching any of this.
Very disappointed, very disappointed.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[ROY AND TRUDY LAUGHING.]
You said it yourself.
Don't fuck the comics.
Gold, Gold.
Rolling Stone is here.
Ben Fong-Torres wants to sit down and discuss Santa Monica.
Oh, shit, get him up to the office.
Is everybody having a good time? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Oh! Like I give a fuck.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Where is our beautiful coup There they are.
Look at you.
- Aren't they wonderful? - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Ronnie, you're gonna be married to a beautiful stripper, which is gonna be strange once you're living together, because in my opinion, you're the one with the sweet set of titties, my friend.
I got to tell you right now, huh? Oh, look, just take one of them out, come on.
Come on, I bet you got nipples like you got nipples like dinner plates, don't you? - Ah, come on.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Easy, pal.
- I'm glad you're laughing.
- We're gonna be passing around tissues, okay? When the box of tissue comes by, it-it-it's not gonna be for tears of joy.
It's gonna be to take care of that fucking cocaine drip, all right, so give it a good rub on the two-car "garagie," because the photog is around, and you don't want to have your fucking rent in your left nostril.
[LAUGHTER.]
Every time I sneeze, it's a fucking car payment.
[LAUGHTER.]
Right, Ronnie? You betcha.
It's wedding time! [LAUGHTER.]
I just want to say, um [EXHALES.]
I don't know what I want I just want to say, um marriage.
Right? Ah.
Uh [EXHALES.]
I'm the I'm probably the last to give any advice o-on marriage, believe me.
I, uh I had three of them, so you you'd think I'd know something.
But, uh, I don't.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
Kindness is what comes to mind.
I think that's important.
They say the most important thing is health, but I beg to differ, because I was a healthy asshole for many years, and that didn't do much for my marriages.
So I'm gonna go with kindness.
Kindness is what I wish you both.
Be good to each other.
Be kind to each other.
To the happy couple! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Yay! Whoo! Thank you.
I do love you But it's All right Uh, Ron knew Trudy was the one 'cause it was love at first [BLUBBERING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[ROMANTIC MUSIC.]
[EDGAR.]
Ron, you disheveled lesbian.
You look like what would happen if Peppermint Patty fucked Pig Pen.
[LAUGHTER.]
[DAWN.]
Trudy's a redheaded girl.
Ron's a talking pig with a best friend who look like a rat.
What the fuck is this, Charlotte's Web? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Ron, your dick is like the Titanic.
It's cold, unsatisfying, and all the survivors are still haunted by the memories of it to this day.
[LAUGHTER.]
Never gonna let, gonna let, gonna let you go Trudy's father couldn't be here today to give her away 'cause Ron didn't want to be in the same room with the last guy that fucked her.
[GROANS AND LAUGHTER.]
I would like to "protose a post" to Eddie.
- Okay.
- And to a lesser extent, Adam.
My two best friends.
I love you guys.
- We're here for you.
- Yeah, buddy.
Yeah.
I would also like to propose a toast to Gloria, - my beautiful, smart - [RON.]
Den mother.
[LAUGHTER.]
Okay, fuck you.
[BILL.]
I got to give it to her.
Tomorrow UPI is gonna splash this on every entertainment page across all 50 states.
She took a pile of shit tonight and spun it into gold.
All so she could plug her new club under the guise of this fucking fiasco.
New club's good for everybody.
Another place to perform.
Yeah, for fucking free.
It's a school, remember? Yeah, it's a school that no one's ever graduated from.
Let's just say Goldie's is a school, okay.
So comics come from all over to cut their teeth, right? To go on to be bigger and better.
Then what's Santa Monica? Is that a school too? No, it's a tourist attraction.
It's not about honing our craft or freedom of expression.
It's about not paying comics.
It's about using your name and my name and Roy fucking Martin's name to line her pockets once again.
Man's got a point.
- Get off me.
- I don't care.
Right here, yep, yep.
[ALL GRUNTING.]
Jesus, okay.
Hey, give me a hug.
Give me a hug, man.
- I love you.
- I love you so much.
- I love you too.
I love you.
- I fucking mean it.
- All right.
I love you.
- I fucking mean it.
- I mean it.
Do you believe me? - I believe you.
Hey, hey, hey.
Who do you think you're talking to out there, huh? What, don't like your own medicine? You have no idea what's going on between Roy and me.
We have known each other for years, and we are business partners.
Do you understand? Whatever.
Don't you "whatever" me, young lady.
There is a big difference between fucking comics and the relationship that Roy and I have, hmm? Well, I think it's a little late for you to be concerned about me fucking comics.
- What are you talking about? - Seriously? Who do you think I lost my virginity to? A comic.
Right here in your club when I was 15.
Come on, Mom, you left them here to watch me while you ran errands.
What'd you think was gonna happen, that they'd help me with my homework? Who? Relax.
It was consensual.
- What? - You're really surprised? Yeah, I had my first fuck here, my first drink, joint, and line of cocaine.
- Lower your voice.
- And the people you left - to watch me were kids themselves.
- Lower your goddamn fucking voice.
I used to wonder how someone so savvy could have such a gigantic blind spot.
[SOFTLY.]
You tell me.
You tell me who you're talking about.
Why? Who are you gonna avenge? Me or you? Cassie, I got Chinese.
You like chow mein, right? You lied.
What are you talking about? There's dried blood on the inside of your shirts.
You said, uh, this was your first time.
Cass.
It's old blood.
[LAUGHS.]
- You selfish piece of shit.
- Hey.
All right, look, you have every right to be upset.
Oh, do I? Thank you for giving me permission to be angry, Nick.
I blew my audition taking care of you.
I don't know when I'm gonna stop doing this shit.
I really don't.
I'm sorry.
It's my fault.
I'm, uh - a fuckup.
- No.
I am a fuckup.
I'm a fuckup.
[SNIFFLES.]
I I know exactly who you are.
You are who you are.
And I knew that, and I invited it into my house.
I invited this in, and I keep inviting this in.
You are just the most recent boulder that I have placed in my path.
Okay.
No.
Hey.
- Hey.
- No, don't.
- Okay.
- Just don't.
Don't.
Just get out, Nick.
Just get the fuck out.
[SIGHS.]
Fuck.
[LAUGHTER.]
Hey, you guys seen Trudy? Yeah, she went out to the parking lot with Roy.
Said they were gonna do lines.
[ADAM.]
Oh, no, they drove off.
If you ask me, it seemed like a little jus primae noctis.
- What? - You know, medieval times.
A king was allowed to have sex with subordinate women on their wedding night.
- All right.
- [EDGAR.]
You know about that? [RALPH.]
No.
[ROY YELLING INDISTINCTLY.]
[TRUDY.]
Roy, are you out of your fucking mind? [TENSE MUSIC.]
What are you doing? Roy, can you open the fucking door, please? - He's crazy.
- What the fuck are you - doing here? - There's something wrong with him I mean seriously wrong.
I think he's gonna kill himself.
Just go home to your husband, okay? Jesus fucking Christ.
[SIGHS.]
Roy? Fuck.
Roy! Hey, Eddie.
Welcome to the top.
Don't move, Roy.
Do not fucking move.
Jesus Christ.
Hey, Roy.
Roy! [GRUNTS.]
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Okay, I get it, all right? Commitment to the bit.
Okay, come on back.
All I want Is an audience An audience like you Here I am.
You got me.
I want to hear you laugh and applaud Of all things I do You may call me a ham I don't give a damn - Easy, Roy.
- I'll confess it's true Fuck, Roy! Jesus fucking Christ, Roy! Stop screaming! You trying to fucking kill me? No, no, no, no, Roy.
Come on over, all right? Just come over the railing and fucking knock it off, okay? Have you ever heard of Aesop, Eddie? Aesop, you fucking idiot, Aesop! Yeah, Aesop, I've heard of fucking Aesop.
Well have you heard of the cat-maiden's tale? Oh.
No, I haven't heard of that one.
- Why don't you come over the railing - The gods were disputing whether people could really change their nature.
And Jupiter said yes, and Venus said no.
So they thought they would put it to the test, and they took this cat, you see, and they turned it into a maiden.
And they gave it to this young guy as his wife.
Okay? So the wedding, it goes off well.
The young couple - Easy.
- they sit down - Uh-huh.
- Fuck.
for the wedding feast, and everything's peachy.
And Jupiter, being that cocky motherfucker, says, "Look at that.
She's a goddamn maiden.
Who would have thought that yesterday she was a cat? Surely, people can change their nature.
" - Right - Venus being a cunt, said "Hold the fort.
" She's smart.
She sends a mouse into the room.
[LAUGHS.]
That bride jumps out of her chair and pounces on that motherfucker! Please, Roy.
Easy, easy, easy.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
[EXHALES.]
I'm a cat.
I'm a cat, Eddie.
I can't do a fucking thing about it.
Nature dictates who we are.
We just pull it off.
Roy! [BOTH GRUNTING.]
Oh, fuck.
You really You didn't think this one out, did you? Uh, no, I haven't.
[GRUNTS.]
If I let go what are you gonna do? I don't know.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
I don't want to be this anymore.
I don't want to be I don't want to be Roy Martin.
[LUTZ.]
Antidepressants, lithium, alcohol, cocaine.
That's quite a cocktail.
And, uh what do I do if he wakes up? Do I do something or Uh, get him coffee.
Bring him the paper.
What's your job here? I don't know.
What I just filled him with will knock the crazy out of him for a while.
Got it.
Um, hey, Doc, um - I don't have any money, so - Don't worry.
Somebody always picks up the tab before it hits the papers.
Best to Ron.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- [SIGHS.]
[GROANS.]
[SIGHS.]
Consider this our honeymoon.
It's actually turtle nesting season.
They come out of the water and lay their eggs on the beach at night.
It's supposed to be cool.
There's some cash there, too, if you just want to stay there.
My lawyer will take care of the annulment, so Well, if you're ever in Venice Can I ask you something? Why did you go with Roy last night, of all nights? I don't know.
Why did you ever think you loved me? [DOOR CLOSES.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Oh! Oh, fuck.
Excuse me, have you seen a man, tall? Eh, oh, fuck.
Roy! Oh, fuck.
Oh, my God.
[LINDA RONSTADT'S "LONG LONG TIME" PLAYING Love will abide Take things in stride [PHONE RINGING.]
Sounds like good advice But there's no one at my side And time Washes clean Love's wounds unseen [RINGING CONTINUES.]
That's what someone told me But I don't know what It means 'cause I've Done everything I know To try and make you mine [RINGING CONTINUES.]
And I think I'm gonna love you For a long, long time