I'm Sorry (2017) s02e03 Episode Script

Barbara T. Warren

Do you think David's bought himself a cutting board for the new house? No, I can't imagine your brother's ever carved meat.
And if he has, it was probably on the back of an old DVD of Highlander.
I'm gonna get him one for his housewarming.
That's a nice gift.
I am very curious to see what this brunch he's throwing is gonna look like.
- Do you think there'll be chairs or forks? - I do not.
- Hey, where's that bag of sugar? - Up your butt.
Okay, nope it's not there.
- Well, you didn't really check, so - Yeah I did, it's not there.
Okay, if I look up your butt and it's in there, - I'm not gonna be happy.
- Okay, go ahead and take a look.
- Great, I will.
- Hey, stop it.
- I'm checkin' it out.
- No.
Hey, stop it.
You know that you can't play chicken with me.
It will always end with my fingers in your butt hole.
Well, aren't you the loser then? - I don't know, let's see.
- Hey, stop it.
I don't feel safe.
Stop, step away.
Alright, but eventually, you will have to bend over, and I will be waiting.
Siri, set a reminder to get Mike's butt.
[SIRI] Okay, setting a reminder.
- Oh my God.
- Sorry it's in the cloud now, there's nothin' I can do, bro.
You're not gonna sleep for a week.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) I feel like I've been trapped in one long birthday party for three years.
I'm just worried that princess mermaid's gonna be late to her live cam show.
- [LADY ON LEFT] I'd watch that.
- I'd throw my eyes across it.
Why do they all have to look kind of like prostitutes? What do you mean? Who else would do this job? Look, if you ever wanna go to a game, I'll hook it up.
- Great, I will, awesome.
- You bet.
Hi.
Okay, you're gonna need to put your Rich Ison boner away, it is scaring the kids.
Come on, cover it up.
Eww.
Mike, be honest, is this why you had children? Oh, in hopes that one day my daughter would go to school with Rich Ison's kid? - Uh huh.
- Yeah, it is.
Don't take an aggressive bite of a carrot after that.
I'm so sorry that you had to witness this.
- He's gloating.
- Hey, guys.
Make sure you get your gift bags before you go.
It's a fish.
They're giving out gift bags of fish? Oh yeah.
- I'm not leavin' here with a fish.
- Nobody wants a fish.
You know what? - I'm not getting a fish, you wanna grab Amelia? - Yes I do.
Hey, Izzy, before Sophie and Amelia leave, make sure you show them your fish.
They won't want to go without their bags of fish.
Thank you so much, Brian.
How dare you use your child in this manner.
You know what, Izzy? We're actually gonna pass, but yours is so cute.
- Hello.
- Wow, that was fast.
Perfect, okay guys, see you on Monday.
I will pick you up one of those little divers.
Oh no.
You know what, and a treasure chest.
- I'm good, thank you so much.
- A little diver.
- But I'm not getting a fish.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you so much.
- Love you guys.
Bye bye.
- Bye.
A fish is not happening.
Hey, Bubs, that seems like a fun party, right? Hold up.
Hey, Amelia, don't forget your gift bag.
Mommy, look, a fish.
- Wow, thank you so much.
- You're welcome, enjoy.
Shit.
Rich Ison can really move.
He got from his pool to us at an alarming speed.
Yeah, he's got great burst.
Good luck trying to assault him in a dark alley, Mike.
I can't make promises.
I feel like this is a promise you can make.
No.
Ah, I'm gonna have to work with Rob a little bit today.
Does Kyle ever feel cheated now that you have a new writing boyfriend? I mean, I sure as shit hope so.
Otherwise, what am I doing here? I will say, I'm starting to understand the allure of the open relationship.
Really? Yeah, you know, makes you feel desirable again, get your body tingling.
I think studios pick up on that hotness.
Probably.
Don't worry, you'll see it this weekend at Todd's party.
I think I'm gonna let you go solo to that one.
What, why? You know, I don't Now I kinda wanna go solo - if you're gonna be doing that face.
- Good, oh good good.
No, I just, I don't know if I'm up for a whole night of comedy bits with your friends.
They never end and they just get more horrifying.
I know, that's how we maintain our adorable state of arrested development.
- So adorable.
- Right, everyone loves it.
I know you like purple, my walls are lavender.
- Who are you talking too, Bubs? - Barbara.
You named your fish Barbara? Does she simmer in Boca? Her name's Barbara T Warren.
The T stands for toys.
Oh, of course it does.
I'm Barbara's big sister.
She's gonna sleep in my room.
We're best friends.
(WATER GURGLES) Oh, Bubs, I'm so sorry.
I loved Barbara, she was my best friend.
I know, she was a very cool fish, and that was such a special two and 1/2 hours that you guys spent together.
Why did we have to put Barbara in the toilet? Well, we thought that because she's a fish that she would like the water part.
And so, you know what, it seemed like a perfect place for her final moments.
But our poop goes in the toilet.
The toilet knows the difference between fish and poop.
Does the toilet send Barbara to heaven? Uh, possibly.
Or, you know what, maybe it goes to the ocean where there, another bigger fish can eat her and then become a super big strong fish.
I don't want her to get eaten.
I want her to go to heaven.
I know you do, lovey, I'm sorry.
Why did Barbara have to die? Well, it was just, you know, everything has to go sometime.
Yeah, and I guess it was just Barbara's time.
Wait, so you and Mommy are gonna die? Well, eventually, yes, but I mean, not until we are very old.
- How old? - So so so so old.
Daddy and I are not going anywhere.
- No.
- Alright, I am gonna go jump some rope.
So I don't know if there's anyone in here that's interested in anything like that, honey, kinda looking at you.
- I want to.
- Alright, well, I guess she's in, sorry.
- Okay, go grab the rope.
- Okay.
(BLEEP) Rich Ison.
(UPTEMPO MUSIC) So do you feel like a thousand years old now that your younger brother is a home owner? No, I am thrilled because you owe me for years of hosting.
I will bring ice on Sunday, David.
Enjoy your new house.
I don't care for you particularly.
Actually, I don't think that's true.
I think you care for me immensely.
I think it makes you uncomfortable how much you love me.
Mommy? That man is old, right? Yeah, I guess.
Here, why don't you pick out some green apples.
I'm not serving apples.
Alright, I was talking to Amelia.
In all seriousness, I know you have no idea what you're doing.
- Do you need some help on Sunday? - Mommy, he's really old.
He's gonna die soon, right? - I gotta go.
- [TODD] Wait, what is happ Right, Mommy, he's gonna die.
Well, you know what, yes.
He is older and older people die sooner, so yes, he probably will die soonish.
That's what I thought.
Okay, you know what, let's head to the freezer section.
But I want apples.
I don't think the apples are so thrilled with us right now.
Sorry.
Okay, wait, so everyone's fish died? The kids are devastated.
Oh my God, I can't believe an entire kindergarten class is having to confront the concept of death because of Rich Ison's shit party favors.
Yeah, after drop off, I'm gonna go pick up our new cat from the shelter.
Oh my God, you have to now get an actual animal in your home? Well, I have to make up for the death of our first pet, Andrea.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Did your fish get a name? - Oh, you mean Barbara? Is that who you meant? Oh, I didn't know that I was referring to Barbara, - Yeah.
- But yeah, Barbara.
She used to run a hair salon out in Thousand Oaks - Oh no.
- before she came to us.
How are people gonna get their, you know, perms? A lot of angry frizzy-haired people out in the Valley.
Not only did ours get a name, but Grenadine was laid out, and what seemed like 200 beanie boos showed up to pay their respects.
Oh, yeah, we had a lot of very sad, and very long-winded Jedi knights.
You know what, it's actually a little touching that Jedi knights would sort of - be this emotional.
- Yeah, be there.
Yeah, well they have the Force.
Not the force to keep that fish alive.
We all had a tough weekend.
You know what, Brian? At least you guys are Catholic, because Grenadine's up there livin' the life in heaven.
Poor Barbara's being digested by a monkfish.
That's how I left it with Amelia.
It's very Biblical, you know, Jonah and the whale, et cetera, et cetera.
I thought you weren't religious.
I'm not, but I read the Bible.
I wanna know what you weirdos are talkin' about.
Good morning.
So we heard what happened this weekend, and we just wanted to let you know we put some time aside for the kids to talk about their feelings.
Oh, okay.
- Thanks for letting us know.
- Of course.
They have to change up their whole lesson plan now because of this? (BLEEP) Rich Ison.
How is that mustache my daughter's kindergarten teacher? Hey, are you getting Brad anything for his birthday Saturday? No, I'm not in love with him.
Wait a minute, you got me something for my birthday.
Yeah, 'cause I'm obsessed with you.
- Ooh.
- Barf.
- Hey.
- Hey guys.
What's up, what can I get you? Hi Amy, can I get a vanilla latte please.
- Americano please.
- Got it, that's $7.
50.
- Do you have cash? - Uh, yeah, it's up your butt.
Oh, um, my hands are full, do you mind gettin' it for me? No I do not, take your pants off, I'll three-knuckle ya up there.
Oh really, all three knuckles, right up my butt hole? I could for four, I'll get up in there.
Sure, yeah, I'll take my pants off.
Um, actually, you can't take your pants off here, sorry.
- We could go in the bathroom.
- Let's get in the bathroom.
I just need the time and space because I will be getting very deep up there.
Oh no, I know your technique, obviously, you wanna get right in there and expand.
- And I will be spreading my fingers.
- Oh, of course.
I'm sorry.
I just wanted to get a muffin.
Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
Obviously, go ahead please, I will pay for your muffin, and our coffees, Amy, sorry.
Night, tootsie roll.
Goodnight, smooch de la rooch.
See ya in the morns, corns.
(GIVES KISSES) God, it's really disgusting how this kid doesn't get any love.
So sad.
Mommy, what's gonna happen to me when you and Daddy die? Aw, Bubs, again, you don't really need to worry about that until we're so old, and by then, you're gonna be a grown up and you're gonna be like, I don't even need those two anymore.
Not everyone dies when they're old.
Toby's aunt died when she was 23 from eating too much sugar.
Yeah, I'd love some more details on that story.
Will I go live with Grammy? No, I mean, probably not, because you know, Grammy's getting a little older, and so So she's gonna die soon.
No, Grammy is not going anywhere.
Everybody is fine, nobody's dying.
This is fun.
But she's gonna die before you, right? Well, yes, most likely because that's the way the generations go.
Who am I gonna live with then? Well, you wanna know? Again, this only happens in an emergency, but Daddy and I have discussed it and you would go live with Uncle David.
Really? Again, this only happens if Daddy and I are gone.
Okay, great.
Wow.
Don't look at me, I've been dead for years.
Well, our daughter's going to be fine if we die.
- What? - Yeah.
I might even say she's giddy with the possibility.
When I told her that she would go live with Uncle David, her eyes literally lit up with the idea of a future she didn't even know was possible.
- Come on.
- Oh, no no, I was there.
That's when she just breezed past my death.
Just right past.
Well, I guess we should be sort of relieved, I mean, we want her to be comfortable with who she ends up with, right? I know, I think this is just like her little subconscious giving her a coping mechanism in case something terrible happens.
Breaks my heart to think she's walking around worried about this.
Yeah, me too.
Mom, what did you tell me about death when I was little? Do you remember how sad I was when Candy Purple died? I remember how sad our cat was when you named her Candy Purple.
Ooh, cool burn, Mom, cha cha cha.
Well, I just said that she got super tired and then she fell asleep.
So you equated sleeping with dying, to a child? Oh, that's weird, that's around when my crippling insomnia started.
I'm sure totally unrelated.
Well, there's just no easy way to explain death to a child.
No, there isn't.
By the way, I'm gonna need you to give me all your end of life directives, 'cause you're not gonna want me out there goin' rogue.
I don't care what you do with my body after I die.
Really, is that a promise? But if I ever go into a coma, don't you dare pull the plug.
Even if you're like totally unresponsive, you just wanna lie there hooked up to machines, unable to communicate with anyone? Well, haven't you ever heard about those people who go into a coma for like 30 years and then suddenly they wake up? Sharon, how long do you think you would end up living? I don't know, 15 or 20 years.
This plan sounds flawless.
Just so you know, I have given Mike full license to end my life immediately, as soon as I need a plug, - I want it pulled.
- Oh stop it.
What, I have no interest in lying there, alive but trapped in my body with just my thoughts.
Well, your thoughts, then I can understand.
Woo, two in one, oh.
See ya tomorrow.
Bye, I'll be working on my plans for when you're dead.
(UP TEMPO MUSIC) Your mom wants to be kept alive in a coma? Yeah, and then thinks she's gonna live another lifetime after that.
No no no no no, the only thing that's gonna happen to your mom is that she's gonna get fingered by all those male nurses.
Pretty sure that's her motivation.
- Oh really? - You've met my mother.
Hey guys, aloha.
Oh, I don't know if all of us have thanked you appropriately for inviting us to the tropics.
I mean, what you've done here If you're gonna go to Hawaii, you (BLEEP) go to Hawaii.
(EVERYONE LAUGHS) Ahem, I've decided I'm donating my body to a body farm.
- Uh uh um.
- I wanna make sure you all heard.
No worry, we're not talking about death for five minutes.
- What the (BLEEP) is a body farm? - It's exactly what it sounds like.
A body farm is one of those farms where they grow delicious food in the compost of human bodies.
No no no no, it's where scientists study how different bodies decompose in different environments for forensic purposes.
Oh, that is not at all what a body farm sounds like.
A body farm to me sounds like people just like nude and tilling the lands.
- Nude.
- Yeah, boy.
- Yeah, boy, aloha.
- No, no.
I don't know why people are so freaked out about death.
We're all gonna die, so let's just like live with our fear.
Oh, did you just YOLO us, bro? Yeah, yeah I did, if you don't like it, you can suck my dick.
- Well.
- It's actually interesting you bring that up, because my new YOLO is I'm not leaving a party 'til I get my dick sucked.
- Oh.
- Oh, I like that.
That's sweet.
Brad, you're closest to Don, suck his dick.
That makes sense, sure, go ahead and take your pants off.
Okay, fine, yeah.
You know, I was actually getting ready to leave, so this kind of works out perfectly.
Yeah, we've been trying to figure out how to get you outta here, so it's kind of a twofer for us.
I will be honest, we are ready for you to go, so pull it out.
So I'm gonna take out my dick, and then you're gonna put it in your mouth, and you're gonna suck my dick.
You're gonna stop talkin', and I'm gonna start suckin'.
- It's time.
- Alright, well I'm doin' it.
Okay, alright.
- Alright.
Come on, let's have a par (UPTEMPO MUSIC) Well, I don't think that is something that we will ever un-see.
I just don't know how you come back from that.
I don't think you'll come back the same, I think you just accept that you're in a new reality, and that life is just different now.
At what point did you realize that it was - That we were goin' - seeing.
- for it? - Yeah.
I think it was tongue out and dick out and then the lean over, - The lean.
- is when I started to go, alright, we're goin' to uncharted territory.
God, Corinne has it the worst out of all of us though.
I don't think there are gradations of who had it the worst.
We were all equally traumatized.
No, she doesn't drink, so she's gonna have the full-on just sober recollection of everything that just happened.
She was stone cold, mouth on dick sober.
I'll be honest, I thought my daughter wanting me dead was gonna be the most memorable thing that happened this week.
- No, this is it.
- Glad to see that was - Yeah.
- outshined.
I think that actually was a bit that went too far.
Yeah, yeah, wow.
On a separate note, Todd's dick is like - So big.
- really big.
Right, why is he not more confident? On the other hand, it did sort of reverse engineer a way for us to all see his dick as really big.
- So.
- (BLEEP).
Now I kinda wish I'd taken a closer look at it.
I got a good, close look.
You were at a better spot.
Yeah, I had prime vintage point.
It was like right there.
Wait, his mouth was just on it? Oh, it was just on it.
Wow, I'm so glad I wasn't at that party.
I'm actually starting to have a new appreciation for why these parties are so uncomfortable for you.
Oh, that's all it took? It was just, you know, quick dick lick between friends - to make me see the light.
I feel like - Right.
Gandhi's even said that, like that's how you see the light.
You see two friends quickly lick dicks and then suddenly your whole world opens up.
Mommy, when I go live with Uncle David, do you think he will let me have soda? Okay, Daddy and I are not going anywhere, Bubs, okay.
You are not actually moving in with your uncle.
But one day I could.
I'm gonna show Walter Uncle David's house.
Great.
Well, I think one could categorize that as a skippin' one step.
You're right, she seems very okay if we die.
Okay, she is planning our imminent demise.
I'm gonna start putting napkins on top of all my drinks.
- Smart.
- In all seriousness though, are we like totally prepared if something terrible like actually happens to us? We're as prepared as we can be, I guess.
I know that you have a life insurance policy, and we decided that my life was worth nothing, so it didn't make sense for us to get one.
But maybe, you know, we look into getting me just like a small one.
I want Amelia to have at least a little walking around money.
Walking around money? Yeah, I don't want her to have to go to David for like every single little thing she wants.
He'll end up buying her a Lennox phone and then nothing to wear to prom.
Aw, you're a good mom.
Aw, it only took you six and 1/2 years for you to admit that.
But obviously we can't let her know that there's any money on the line.
God no.
- I really like this table.
- Yeah, it's nice.
- Oh shit.
- What's wrong? I've been waiting a week for you to bend over and then after what I experienced last night, the thrill is gone.
I mean, that works out for me, so I'm not complaining.
You know what, that's actually very selfish of you, Mike.
I'm okay with that.
Good, well stop just thinking about yourself.
[MIKE] Your place looks great.
Oh thank you, and for the lady.
What? I'm sorry, I'm sort of getting into the spirit of like having people over and like taking care of stuff.
- It's not gonna last for long.
- You just called me a lady? I mean, that's a loose term I'll throw around.
I mean, David, I can't believe you have like a couch and, what is this, an area rug? Yeah, I am a grown ass man.
Okay, grown ass men do not use the word grown ass man.
I don't think you have any empirical proof of that.
Actually, you know what I do.
I did a scientific double blind study.
It was peer reviewed.
It got great reviews from all the peers.
You wouldn't believe how much empirical proof I got.
Are you happy with yourself now? Actually, I do feel pretty good about myself.
Honey, I wanted to tell you, I think you're doing very, very well.
- Oh God.
- Oh no, Mom is defending me.
Okay, sell your house, get out now.
Alright, what is wrong with me defending David? Whenever you defend him, it's clear that you don't think he's actually doing well, and you're desperate for him not to know the truth.
Oh come on, I just think, you know, he's doing very, very well.
- No, whoa, Mom.
- Aah, oh my God, no.
Please stop defending me, okay.
I think at this point I should just burn my house down and take the insurance money.
I honestly think it's your only option.
- Come on.
- I will help you.
I will light the matches.
I'm getting more coffee.
- Okay.
- Mom, if you could just backtrack and say negative stuff about the house.
Tell him something terrible.
Just do it.
What are you doing? Hey, I wasn't even bending over.
Well, the thrill is gone, but it's not forgotten.
Uncle David, I found my room.
It's really big and it's got a fireplace.
Uh, Bubs, actually I'm guessing that's probably Uncle David's room.
- Is that your room with the fire place? - Yeah.
You know what, there's another room down the hall.
- Why don't you check that one out.
- Okay.
Why's your daughter pickin' out a room in my house? Because she's currently planning our untimely demise, and you're her guardian, and she will be living with you, so she needs a room.
Wait, I'm her guardian? Yes, David, we asked you years ago.
- Really? - I'm concerned that you don't know this.
We sent you paperwork.
- Yes.
- Oh God.
- Oh God? - That's right.
I'm sorry, would you mind holding off on dying for a little while, because I was planning on having like an at-home workspace here.
You know, let us know when it's convenient for you and then we'll try to plan on killing ourselves then.
Thank you, that'd be great.
Don't say I never did anything for you.
Okay, Mommy, I'll take that one.
I think it's nice your uncle giving you a room in the house.
Well, actually, it's only if something terrible and unexpected happens to me and Mike.
Again, it's unlikely anything will happen until we're very old.
Well, not always.
My best friend died when he was seven, drowned right in front of my eyes.
- Leon.
- What? I'm just sayin', things happen.
Wait, a kid can die? Well Technically Yes.
You know what? I think we all just needed a new pet to help clear our minds.
Yes.
Saul looks so happy in his new house.
You're right, Saul does look very happy.
Mommy, he doesn't want you to die.
Aw, tell Saul that I appreciate that, Bubs, mwah.
I think he wants more carrots.
You know what, why don't you grab him some.
- Okay.
- Alright, good.
(BLEEP) Rich Ison.
I feel like I still see a little bit of an Ison boner.
Oh, Saul's really starin' right at it.
I knew I was gonna be friends with this guinea pig.
Saul, you're my people.
Really, 'cause Saul is my grandfather's name.
Saul Benchman Metermanders.
Okay, that can't be a true story.
Hi, Amy, how are you? Good, what can I get for you? I will have an almond milk latte.
Regular person latte.
Got it, that'll be eight bucks.
Do you have cash? Yes, yes I do, right here in my wallet.
I'll pay you back later.
That will be wonderful, thank you.
Here is cash from my wallet.