I'm Sorry (2017) s02e10 Episode Script

New York vs. LA

Here you go.
What's this? Our 10 year anniversary's coming up.
Is this my gift? Mm mm just a little contract that I've drawn up and I invite you, an alleged attorney to review my proposed deal points.
Deal points of what? Well, remember when we got married, I gave you 10 years together, tops to box? Yes, I remember.
Well, it's time to renegot Wow, as long as we don't get to use the term renegot as much as we'd like Really? That's surprising.
But I am looking forward to reviewing your proposed terms.
Wonderful, great! I'm assuming this is a standard 10 year contract.
Oh no, it is five years and just know that I had to really coax my client to get the number up that high.
She was pushing for a much lower number.
Your client being you.
Yes, correct.
Ah, ok.
Well uh, says here I get five boob grabs a week.
I'll be changing that to unlimited.
Alright, I think we can adjust that as long as you're willing to give on a few issues.
Please note deal point number three.
Mike cannot lose his sweet, toned ass.
- Oh boy.
- I mean, at this point I think it's most of the reason that we're still together, so.
Wait, I gotta keep my ass in perfect condition forever? No, there's obviously a certain amount of expected depreciation that's acceptable.
Ok, I get it.
Yeah, my client just needs to know that certain proactive steps are being taken to protect the asset.
Alright, that's reasonable.
Thank you.
But if this is the body area that we're talking about, I motion to put in a butt sex addendum - into this revised contract.
- Really? Yep, I propose that instead of the current 36 years that I have to wait, that we adjust that number to a much more reasonable two weeks.
Motion strongly denied.
So you're the lead prosecutor and the judge? When it comes to my butt hole, I am the judge, the bailiff, the prosecutor.
You're the prosecutest.
If you need me, I will be at my mothers.
(Upbeat music) How many vests can you donate to Goodwill before they're required to run a background check on you? Oh, Uncle Harry loved his vests.
I know he did.
You doin' ok? Yeah, he was 93.
He lived a good life and he died in his sleep.
What more could you want? Do we have funeral plans yet? Well yeah, we'll all go to the cemetery but he didn't have kids you know, so I feel like if we don't do something, then he won't have any sort of a memorial.
Yeah, you should do something.
That would be nice for everyone.
I know, but I don't wanna do it at my house because I just had Leon's 70th.
We could do it at ours.
- Really? - Of course, happy to.
I mean, obviously, this means I am now the matriarch of the family which leaves you pretty much obsolete.
I mean, we'll throw ya in a pastel hat and trot you out for parades but, no one's interested.
Well, I am thrilled to pass the torch.
So, thank you very much.
Great, now we're even for everything you've ever done for me.
[Mother] Perfect! That was easier than I thought.
I'm looking forward to seeing everybody at the funeral though.
- I know, me too.
- Is that terrible? No! I feel like when you die at 93, it's more like a family reunion, right? Like we're celebrating him.
I'm gonna invite Jennifer.
How is poor Jennifer, by the way? Why do you have to say poor Jennifer? Because she's divorced and alone and she has to take care of those poor kids.
Now the kids are poor? - Oh my - I'm just saying I wish that she could find somebody, that's all.
Oh my gosh, Mom, not everyone needs a man to be happy, ok? Although, in this case, she did just start dating someone and sounds very ecstatic.
Well, well.
Oh Mom, I think I just found party favors for the memorial.
Stop fondling his underwear.
Just throw them away.
How is this fondling his underwear? This would be fondling his underwear.
I'm turning around.
Wouldn't you wanna be dead and know that someone was having fun with your underwear? Oh God.
Dare to dream.
(Upbeat music) - I loved Uncle Harry.
- I know, he was the best.
The funeral's on Saturday.
I'm actually having the memorial at my house after.
Wow, you're like a real grown up lady.
I know, thank you! I'm like the Dowager Warren.
This is like what my mom and my aunts used to do.
Alright, can we just get to the issue at hand? I'm not interested in chatting with you or seeing you.
I'm only agreed to this meeting to hear about - a one Josh.
- You're such an asshole.
I would love to.
So he's pretty great.
He's 46.
A perfect age.
He's British.
I know.
He's also divorced, which is good.
That's good.
And the sex is like Not good? No it's amazing.
Please sit down in my office.
I'm gonna just quickly text Mike, let him know that I will not be home for dinner tonight.
Alright, when you say amazing, what are we talking about here? I feel like that term gets thrown around with abandon.
Every time to completion.
Three to four times a night.
- What? - A night.
What are you saying to me? Oh my God, ok.
How is he with the C job? Let's get into that.
What is a C job? Lady oral.
Also, one of my favorite characters from Pride and Prejudice.
He's really, he's good.
He's confident.
Great, great.
[Jennifer] What can I say? 'Cause that, ya know, can be a difficult terrain to navigate.
Yes it can.
I mean, a dick is like New York.
It just jumps out at you, ya know? Everywhere you go, you're gonna have a good time.
But the vagina is more like LA.
It's like there's a lot of great neighborhoods, but they're harder to find and it's really nice to have a local walk you through them.
That's a good one.
Do you think it's enough for a dissertation? Oh, I will say, his penis Everything you say from that point forward, I'm going to enjoy.
Just know that walking into this sentence.
Ok, thank you.
So, he had like a dicey circumcision.
Dicey? I don't love that coupled with circumcision.
It just look, it's diff, it just looks different.
Does it like have a scar? No, it's more like, so the foreskin was not totally like circumcized, so it's cut kind of at a slant.
So it's like it's wearing a little hoodie? - Yes! - Ok.
- Basically.
- Alright, I like it.
It's like a hipster dick.
I like British people.
- You (moaning) - Is there an inn? You're not invited.
But know, I will be there anyway.
In spirit.
I'll be at the foot of your bed just cheering you on.
- To the flop.
- It's up to you.
Are you in? Oh actually, yeah, I'm in.
That's a tally.
- Wait, what? - Yeah.
- [Man] No, I'm all in! - Oh honey, hey, by the way, can you drop Amelia off at school.
It's pajama day, so in theory, she should be ready faster.
Pajama day, eh? - [Andrea] Yeah.
- What's the teacher wearing? Oh, Mr.
Castellotti? Already still onboard.
Well, in my dream, just a mustache and a jean jacket.
- Ok yes, I can take Amelia.
- Thank you.
I need to pick up my uncle's ashes by 8:30.
I don't wanna be late.
I don't wanna be responsible for a backup in the people oven.
Wait a minute.
So your house is just gonna be filled with mourners this weekend? Yeah, like your bed.
Ya know, because women are very sad to be there.
Also, I like to imagine you dead.
Wait, so I'm dead and women still wanna have sex with me? No, that's good, that's great! Wait, why are people having sex with Brandon's ghost? No, not my ghost, my corpse.
My ghost is like floating above and just jerkin' off.
I'd really love you to speak at my uncle's service actually.
No, because that's not a sincere offer.
- This isn't? - That face isn't sincere.
I would love you to speak at my uncle's service.
We think you'd nail it.
- See, thank you, that's sincere.
- That's sincere.
I mean, if you want actual sincerity and earnestness, (babbling) but if you want a good time What? What is happening? I don't know.
All I know is I'm a little giddy because I saw my friend Jennifer today.
Wait a minute.
Is that the girl you were supposed to set me up with.
- Yes, it is.
- Is she dating someone now? I don't know if they're dating but they fuck.
Ok, stop, what! They have sex up to four times a night.
Every time to completion.
- We're in a fight.
- I get it.
I spent conservatively 16 hours today discussing their carnal regiment.
- Uh-huh.
- Girls are the worst.
We like to get into it.
Doesn't four times a night sound a little exhausting though? Why don't you just do it the first time good enough so you don't have to do it.
All I know is I personally would love to quadri-bang.
I just, I can't ya know, pull it off.
I'm not attracted enough to you anymore.
- What! - Jesus.
No honey, I find you very attractive.
You're very handsome.
- Thank you.
- But think about how attracted you have to be to someone to gear up for the fourth time.
Yeah, I get it.
I mean, third time, I'm in tears.
Fourth time, isn't that just kind of assault? - Yes.
- Yes.
- You're making a good point.
- Thank you! Whatever they're doing, I don't like it.
I don't know why you have such judgment about my friend, who you don't know's, sex life.
Because there's only so many fucks in the world and she's taking more than her share.
Ugh God, I really feel for these poor dead women in your bed.
They're not dead, I'm dead.
You made that up.
I'm the dead one, right? They're dead inside.
And? That's fair.
(Upbeat music) So we're just finishing up.
Should only be a few more minutes.
Oh, no problem.
We can wait, thank you so much.
I don't love the phrase finishing up at a crematorium.
I mean, are they finishing up burning the bodies or finishing up paperwork? Well, I imagine this is just where they bring us the cremains.
The cremains? Yes ma'am, that is the technical term for it.
Well, I'm happy we're being very technical.
Do you know what a group of apes is called, by the way? Shrewdness.
Yes, how bout a bunch of crows? - Murder.
- God darn it, you're good.
How did you know that? Because you've told me these particular two facts for the past 30 years of my life.
By the way, I appreciate it but you didn't have to come today, I could've handled the cremains myself.
Yeah, I know.
I just wanted to help.
Your Uncle Harry was important to me.
I've known him for 50 years.
Awe, that's very sweet.
I'll tell you what's sweet is the way you're stepping up and doing this for your mom.
Oh no, this is not me being sweet.
This is just me having to take care of you both in your eminent years of decay.
Well in my case, you don't have to worry because I do not wanna be cremated and I do not wanna be in a coffin.
Every instinct I have is telling me not to ask you what you want done with your body.
It's not crazy, ok? I wanna be put into a biodegradable bag and returned to the earth.
Yep, that's actually not insane.
I would do that.
I don't even know what a bag cost.
I'll bet it's under 100 bucks.
- A biodegradable body bag? - Yeah! No, Dad, if you want me to just throw you in any bag, I can get it under 100 dollars.
No but I'm thinking get one of those bags that have the two little handles on it.
In case I'm not really dead, you can lift me back up.
- Promise? - A shopping bag? A Bloomingdale's big brown bag.
I mean, I'll throw ya in a Bloomey's bag, but I'm not pullin' ya back out even if you're alive.
Again, so sorry for the wait.
No, no.
I just need you to confirm your uncle's information and sign there.
Ok, thank you so much.
Of course, and please, let us know if there's anything else we can do.
Oh, you're very sweet.
Whoa, good, heavy.
Was he tall? Actually, he was tall.
Well, that can do it.
Yeah, it's gotta be the long bones of the leg, the femurs? Dad, it's not the femur.
Thank you.
You know what they call a group of femurs? Your butt hole.
Yeah, your butt hole.
Really? Hmm.
(Upbeat music) Alright, catering will arrive while we're at the cemetery.
We got music, we got flowers, we got chairs.
The bar's all set up.
Thank you.
I put hand towels in the guest bathroom.
Now I'm a person who thinks about hand towels.
How does my mother do this? She's a good lady.
Cool your pene, Mike.
Cool your pene.
I'm a little excited though.
Jennifer's bringing her new beau today.
Oh that's right.
- I'm looking forward to meeting him.
- Me too.
I imagine they'll have just done it in the car, so I wouldn't shake their hands.
By the way, have you ever heard of someone getting accidentally half circumcized? Why? 'Cause apparently only part of Josh's foreskin was removed back in the day.
So he's got like, just like a little hoodie.
I just can't imagine that Josh appreciates Jennifer sharing the intimate details of his genitals with you.
If you're dating a woman, you should assume that every one of her friends knows about your dick.
Really, does Jennifer know about mine? She knows it's nice.
Well, I'm glad that's the word on the street.
People are talkin'.
Oh, they're talkin', are they? Awe, Brian sent me photos of Amelia and Izzy from pajama day.
Oh my God, these God damn kids are cute! Yeah, they are cute huh? Um, did you wear that fucking tank top to drop off? Yeah, I went for a work out after.
So you wore it to Amelia's school where we have to go every morning of our lives? I wore a sweatshirt.
I took it off for a minute.
Is this the person you wanna be? Just guy out in world in tank top? I don't know.
I like that tank top.
It's comfortable.
Ok, I can't take this on today.
Oh my God.
Well it's a good thing you'll be surrounded by friends and family then.
- You know what else is good? - What's good? That the funeral will be the highlight of my emotional day.
As we conclude this portion of the service, we salute Harold with a military tribute.
Following, please join the family for a small reception at the home of Andrea Warren and Michael Harris.
Hut! Forward arm! Ready, aim, fire! Aim, fire! Aim, fire! Right face.
Forward march.
I'm gonna need a minute to recover from being shot at.
Oh my God.
Look who I ran into.
Hi! - Hi, thank you for coming.
- This is Josh.
- This is Mike, Andrea.
- Hi.
Sorry to meet you under these circumstances but very happy to meet you.
It is very nice to meet you, thank you for coming as well.
It was really nice actually.
I mean, ya know, I got to see a lot of people I haven't seen.
I know, it was nice.
Well I'm gonna go ahead and run to your house.
Can I pick up something on the way? No, it's all taken care of.
[Mother] Oh, thank you.
You're welcome.
Great to see you and really lovely to meet you.
- Bye, Mom.
- Bye! We're just gonna head over too, I think.
Ok great, we will see you there.
Josh, I mean, try to pull your shit together.
Just please, for once.
I'm doing my best.
This is your best? - I mean, this is it.
- So sorry.
I will be asking to borrow some money when we get to your home.
Just a warning.
Mike, pull out your checkbook.
I don't wanna make it weird.
Bye, we'll see you there.
I mean, not the sex monster I was imagining, right? Four times a night? He was so sweet.
- Very.
- Right? Yes, but I like him.
I really liked him.
- Did you see how happy she was? - Yeah.
But was there even one second you weren't thinking about his dick? Be honest.
Ha, now you know what it's like to be one of the girls.
Chit chattin' about the goods.
(Upbeat music) - Dad.
- Hi honey.
- Oh, you made it.
- I did, indeed.
Listen, you did a wonderful, wonderful job here.
Thank you.
- Harry would've loved this.
- Well, don't worry.
For yours, I'll ya know, make sure I have some stripper poles strategically placed around the party.
If you were gonna go into a casket, I could say you would just slide right on in.
Yeah, well if you had the stripper poles, I have a few people I could audition for extras in a situation like that.
- By the way - This has taken a turn.
I put together this, it's a photo montage that you can play while people are talking.
How many photos of Mom's Uncle Harry could you possibly have? Not a ton, but ya know, who cares? So, it's gonna be like what, seven photos on a loop? - Yeah.
- Alright, I'll put it on.
Ok, I'm gonna get a sandwich.
Ok, you don't have to say it like it's a secret.
Anyone can get a sandwich.
Mom, I'm gonna gather everyone up.
Some people wanna say a few things.
Andrea, thanks so much for hosting.
Oh my God, my pleasure.
Your house is so beautiful.
I can't wait to have my memorial here.
- Oh, God forbid.
- Well what? I'm about to turn 75.
Well I'm not far behind you.
Well, I wouldn't say that.
I might have a few more good years.
Hopefully more than a few.
- (Laughing) - (Upbeat music) Ya know, even at 90 and 93, my mother and Uncle Harry always kept us laughing.
That's a wipe dissolve.
What? Don't you remember that? But sadly, they were the last of that generation.
So Bob, Sharon, looks like we're next.
(Chuckles) Honey, Uncle Russ is getting ready to leave.
Wants to say goodbye.
Ok, I will be out in a second.
- Everything alright? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Ya sure? You're gonna die.
Jesus! Ok well, I don't know if he's gonna help but I guess it's worth a Hail Mary.
Are you just realizing this today? No, obviously, I know this but it's, now that you're next up, I mean, what the hell am I supposed to be doing? Honey, you're more than capable of taking care of yourself.
Of course I am, don't be insane.
I just, I'm gonna miss you, you dick.
- That is so sweet.
- No it's not.
I'm just saying, I refuse to start replacing you.
So, pull out your china.
Get your silverware polished.
Start throwing the parties.
Honey, you have no choice.
- Yes, I do have a choice! - This is why I had kids.
That's why you had kids? Because when I really start to go, I'm moving in here with you and Mike and he's gonna give me sponge baths.
Ugh, I wanna be horrified but I think he would enjoy that.
Mom, I don't understand why you are not more worked up about this than I am.
You're the one that's ya know, on your way out.
Well obviously the thought of growing old is shit, but since the alternative is dying, I guess I'll just go with it.
I don't love it.
Well, you're the one who was always joking about me dying.
Yeah that was before I remembered how God damn old you are.
- Thank you.
- I'll be honest.
I didn't think I loved you as much as I do.
- I don't believe anybody did.
- I knew.
Well, you know what's gonna come as a surprise to you? When I won't change your diapers and you gotta find another way.
Huh, I think I've thought of another way.
Don't say Mike.
I think maybe Mike would be really good at that.
Ok, I'm starting to find a path through my grief.
So thank you.
No problem! My pleasure.
Your parting gift to me.
My dying gift to my daughter.
Cool, alright, I'm gonna go say my goodbyes.
Give the people a glimpse of their new queen.
Well I'm just glad I got a glimpse of Jennifer's new boyfriend.
I wanna know everything that's going on there.
I don't know if you wanna know everything.
Oh, now I think I do.
What? Let's just say there was a bit of a botched circumcision situation.
- They left a little on the top.
- Oh my goodness.
Well, every penis is different, you know? I mean, you know Leon's, it's very long but it's very thin.
Oh God.
(Upbeat music) I just wasn't prepared to get that emotional about my mom today.
It just came out of nowhere.
I just fell apart.
Well it's hard not to think about that stuff at funerals.
I know, but I was living such a carefree life before my Uncle fucking Russ opened his God damn mouth about his generation's bullshit.
Again, I support your choice not to have spoken at the service.
I think people were disappointed.
I just don't want my mom to die.
Is that terrible to say? Look, I think it makes your mom feel good knowing she could pass the torch off to you.
Ugh, well I'm not interested.
How soon before I can pass the torch off to Amelia? - When she's eight? - It was a nice memorial though.
Yeah, it was really nice.
I think everyone had a very good time.
And we got to meet Josh's No, I'm out.
You're out? Yep, I've seen the light.
What? My mother gleefully shared something to me that I can never repeat, nor will I ever un-know.
And now, I see the error of my ways.
- What was it? - I'm not gonna tell you.
Oh come on, you gotta tell me.
You don't wanna now.
I do wanna know.
Leon's got a long, slender penis.
Oh my God.
And that goes inside my mother.
That sucks.
And I understand you're celebrating an anniversary tonight, congratulations.
- Oh thank you.
- Yes, we are.
Your waiter will be right with you.
- Thank you.
- Oh my God.
This looks fabulous.
Yeah, I love this restaurant.
What's going on there with the shirt? What? Is that your jammies? I just assumed this is what we're doing now.
We just ya know, we wear stuff that's comfortable.
We're not worried about impressing each other.
Ya know, like your tank top or this extremely comfortable shirt.
You're wearing that to our anniversary dinner to make a point? - Uh-huh.
- About my tank top? Mm-hmm.
I did.
Well uh, you know people are looking at you right now.
Great, let them look.
Let them feast their eyes on a woman who's given up.
Yeah, well, before you give up on life, why don't you open your gift.
I would love to.
Here, press play.
- What? - Just do it.
Hey honey, it's August 21st, 2018 and I am purchasing this horrific tank top with the sole purpose of fucking with you.
My gift to you.
I love you.
Happy anniversary.
This was a bid.
This was a bid.
And now, I have won anniversaries.
Ok, holy shit.
What is happening right now? The pajama date photo? That was staged? Yeah, Brian helped me.
I'm gonna have sex with you four times tonight.
Oh wow.
So just know that that's coming at you.
How happy were you when I took my coat off and was wearing this monstrosity? Honestly? That could not have gone better.
Oh my God.
Fuck, I love you.
I love you too.
This was six months of fury you gave me.
Oh, so worth it.
I am gonna put my coat back on now because people are looking.
Yeah, they are.
(Upbeat music) Um, what was that move you did back there? Were you trying to have sex with my butt? Maybe.
No, you got 36 more years to wait, my friend.
Contracts have wiggle room.
Wiggle room? Are you actually an attorney? I just thought after my amazing present that if I ever had a chance, it'd be tonight.
You know what, I understand and appreciate that instinct but keep your dick out of my butt.
- That's fair.
- Thank you.