Imaginary Mary (2017) s01e04 Episode Script


1 Alice.
You're a woman, right? Uh-oh.
So, I am in the market for a prom date.
Wow, look at you! Anyway, when you went to prom, what did your Prince Charming say to sweep you off your feet? I need the exact string of words.
I actually didn't go to prom.
Oh, 'cause, like, prom hadn't been invented yet? No.
Prom just wasn't my thing.
But tons of guys asked me.
Oh, great.
Give me the best of the best.
This one cute guy said, "You are the single most beautiful rose in the desert wasteland that is European History since 1500, milady.
Will you go to prom with me?" Okay, I just recorded everything you said with voice-to-text, I'm deleting that boring history stuff, and send.
Send? No send, Andy.
You can't send it in a text, you have to ask in person.
Oh, no, that would take way too long.
Look, I just sent this to 37 different girls in my school.
You know.
Gonna cast a wide net.
- [Cellphone vibrates] - Looks like we have our first no.
Well, it's a numbers game.
I'm not worried.
- [Cellphone vibrating] - "No.
" "No.
" - "Unsubscribe"? - Mm.
Well, at least they're replying to me in a timely fashion.
And in all caps.
- Andy - [Doorbell rings] Yay! Strangers at the door! I got it! - Is Dora home? - Dora! Some dork is at the door! Oops, I forgot to use my inside voice.
Gabe? Oh, crap.
Three, four.
Hold on, little girl Show me what he's done to you Stand up, little girl A broken heart can't be that bad What the hell is happening? It's so adorable.
Dora's being asked to the prom by some dude named Gabe.
So come on, baby, come on over Let me be the one to show you I'm the one who wants to go To prom with you - Oh.
- [Chuckles] Poor, stupid Gabe.
I know you feel it, too Yeah, I'm gonna stop you right there.
Uh, I don't feel it, too.
Prom's not really my thing.
I guess what I'm trying to say is Thank you for the opportunity.
Dora: Anytime! Sorry.
She said no.
Mary: This is Alice.
When she was a kid, she dreamed up me to be her bff.
Now my girl has finally fallen in love, but she's in way over her head, so I'm back to help.
I've got this all figured out.
- No, you don't.
- No, I don't.
I cannot believe Dora said no to that adorable prom proposal.
The old wound is reopened now.
I should've gone to prom.
It's my biggest regret.
That's your biggest regret? I've seen you eat a hot dog you dropped in the subway.
I've seen you punch a bird.
I didn't punch the bird, the bird flew at my face and I gently shooed it to the ground.
This is gently shooing.
This Ah! is a bird slap.
But whatever.
You should talk to Dora.
I'm gonna go talk to Dora.
So no one asked you to prom because you punched a bird? No, people thought I punched the bird, but that's not my main point.
[Sighs] I always got asked to prom, and I always said no, and then in my senior year, when I actually wanted to go, no one asked.
Maybe prom was cool back in your day when it was invented How old do you guys think I am? Point is, prom is lame.
All the dressing up, the popular music, the outdated gender norms.
Prom's never, like, like, cool.
Like in the movie "Carrie.
" Every now and then, pop music and outdated gender norms can be fun, Dora.
I don't know.
Plus, I thought Gabe's prom-posal was pretty brave.
Yeah, it does take a certain amount of courage to look like an idiot.
There is something kind of, like, mysterious about trombonists.
[Chuckles] - Is Dora here? - Oh, bro.
Bro, bro, bro.
Dad, I got this.
Three, four.
Will you go to prom With Gabe Bernstein? - He is quite respectful - It's happening again? - For a teen - All right, guys.
I'm saying yes.
Don't make me change my mind.
- Yes! - [Gasps] Thanks, Dora.
I'm so excited.
You sure are.
Yes! Whoa, whoa.
What was that? I thought prom wasn't your thing.
It's not, but Alice kind of freaked me out, and I don't want to end up like her.
That is so insulting and you took my advice! - [Grunts] - Can we do prom pictures here? Ben, can we do prom pictures here? No.
I-I'm sorry, okay? It's just that Dora can't go.
- What? - What? Look, you're Andy's little sister.
You can't go to prom before him.
It'll send him off the deep end.
That's why we have the Andy Rule You can't achieve milestones before him.
It's not worth it.
You could've said something before I told Gabe to ask me again.
You were so insistent that prom was for suck-ass douche lords that I didn't think I had to.
So if Andy gets a date, then I can go? Absolutely.
So it's not happening.
Hopefully, Gabe will understand.
Oh, poor kid.
Poor kid? Poor me.
You almost blew it! All your prom talk almost got inside Dora's head.
Wait, what are you saying? I'm saying I don't want Dora to go to prom because she's my little baby Princess.
So you're hiding behind Andy's lack of game to keep Dora from taking part in a rite of passage? No, it's not like that.
Prom is just different for boys.
You get it.
Yeah, I get it.
It's called a double standard.
No, it's two single and equal standards that I choose to measure differently.
Oh, God! Sorry, just mixing up my entrances.
We're totally calling him out on this double standard garbagio and getting Andy a date, right? Oh, hell, yeah.
Slipping, slipping! Ah! Hey, champ.
How's it going on the prom front? It's good.
I've still got tons of options.
I'm down to four girls.
- [Cellphone vibrates] - Three girls.
You didn't even look.
Didn't have to.
There's been a theme.
So, clearly mass-texting your entire class was not the way to go.
Well, I didn't text everybody.
I can work with that.
Gonna call out some lady names here.
And they're all crossed out.
Laura Wadler.
How about her? - She starts fires.
- Okay.
Denise Bagley.
- She's super nice and cute.
- Uh-huh? But she's going with Jennifer Gomez.
To elaborate, they're lovers.
[Clicks tongue] Gotcha.
[Gasps] Aww, Clara Chang.
Wasn't she in Dora's play with you? You guys are so cute together.
Man, I I can't ask her.
I like her and stuff.
You actually like her? Well, it's more like love.
[Chuckles] Dude! Why didn't you just ask her in the first place? A-Again, because I love her.
I mean, what if she says no to me? That would actually hurt my feelings.
Andy, you're just trying to protect your little heart.
Oh, actually, the doctor says it's enlarged.
But yeah.
One no from Clara, that that would that would be worse than a thousand nos from all these girls.
Andy, you just got to take a chance.
I mean, look at me and your dad.
If he hadn't sacked up and asked me out, we wouldn't be here now.
You're right.
You're totally out of my dad's league.
- I am.
- Okay.
I'm gonna ask Clara.
[Clears throat] - "Prom," question mark - No, no.
Don't text her.
Oh, no.
Oh, I-I-I just sent it, and autocorrect changed it from "prom" to "porn.
" What? Why did it do that? I don't know! I've never once typed in that word before! Why would I?! Clearly, I've been hacked.
I've been hacked by a gross, shameful, naturally curious person.
Let's just move on.
We will start by letting go of this.
We are going to ask Clara the right way, with a big romantic display, just like all the kids are doing now.
Yeah, I'm in.
- Okay.
- What do I do? - Oh, God.
- I'm about to ask out Clara.
Is that right? It feels weird in my mouth.
Andy, relax.
This is the cutest prom-posal your school has ever seen.
Yeah, okay.
Here goes nothing.
Uh, uh [Gasps] Oh, no.
Why'd you throw a rock?! There were no pebbles! What about the doorbell? How am I supposed to hit the doorbell with a rock?! Alice, come on! [Gasps] No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Oh, please, don't stop! This can't be happening! If you were gonna do it, at least finish your job! - Come back, please! - - Sir! - Clara: Andy? What's happening? [Chuckles] It's a funny story.
Excuse me.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
This is a disaster and I have math class first period.
What do I even say to her? Nothing, you ditch math no.
I'm an adult.
I cannot suggest that.
Oh, no, she's walking over.
Drive, drive, drive, drive! Why aren't you driving?! We can't run away.
You have to talk to her.
Oh, sweet Lord, she's knocking on the window.
- Andy? - And she's saying my name.
She knows it's me.
I can hear you.
I'm rolling the window down now.
Don't you dare.
I will never forgive you.
Hey, Clara.
What's shakin', bacon? Well, you texted me the word "porn," then broke my window, and also wrote, "Clara, do me," on the street.
Well, someone's full of herself.
So are you asking me to prom or what? Uh, uh Yes, he's asking you to prom.
Uh, e-mail me the deets, and I'll hit you back with the bill for my bedroom window.
My parents are irate.
[Both yelling] I just asked Clara to prom using you as a proxy! I am the man! - You really are! - Yeah! This is how we do! This is how we [Gasps] Thank you for your help with this.
Son of a bitch.
- Hi, Mr.
Is Dora - Dora home? I know.
- Bro, why are you doing this? - Oh.
- This is the last time - A third time? So exciting.
I'm gonna ask Will you go to prom With Gabe at last? Gabe, at last It's just like a scene From a rom-com From a rom-com We'll go to Olive Garden And then hit prom No bottom to The breadsticks [Chuckles] Uh, why all this? I-I already texted you we were back on.
I know, but I wanted to do it right.
You deserve the big ask.
- Aww.
- [Groans] Well, uh, I'll admit the song is growing on me.
So, still yes.
I'm looking forward to it.
[Chuckles] Bye.
[Chuckles] Bye.
[Chuckles] Okay, bye.
She said yes.
- Again! - [Cheering] Dora, we talked about this.
You can't go unless you-know-who gets a you-know-what, which will happen when you-know-where freezes over.
You didn't hear? Andy, tell dad the good news.
You have to pay $358 for a broken window.
What? And I got a date to prom.
- I got a date to prom.
- No.
- Yeah.
- No.
- Yeah.
- No way.
- Yes.
- No.
Yes! All thanks to Alice.
She literally asked for me.
I mean, she said the words and everything.
Alice, you are the best.
Now I get to go to prom! Good thing you clearly laid out those super specific rules.
You are the best, Alice.
Okay, I know this is not what you intended, but this is a very big moment! Dora took my advice; Andy, thanks to me, gets a date with the girl he loves.
I mean, this is great! Right? - Mm.
- Ooh.
[Groans] [Sighs] Oh, damn, he is pissed! Do you think I went too far helping Andy? Hell, No.
One the guy is wrong.
Two If Ben wants you to get involved in the kids' lives, he's got to know you're gonna bring your own flavor.
All day.
Flavor's my middle name.
No, it's not.
It's Lurleen.
Shut up.
Okay, you're super angry.
[Scoffs] Me? What makes you say that? Well, maybe because you stormed out, and now you're furiously slathering mayo on what's shaping up to be a multi-decker hate sandwich.
Well, it's just, I told you I didn't want Dora to go to prom, and you forced it to happen.
I'm sorry, it's just I know what it's like to miss out, and I don't want Dora to go through that.
Did you hear her with that Gabe? [As Dora] "Okay, bye.
Okay, bye.
" You know what I heard? "Okay, bye, innocence.
Okay, bye, virginity.
" You're overreacting.
It's just a school dance.
- Prom is a gateway dance.
- Ben She's growing up, and it's scary and overwhelming and sad, and pass me the pickle chips.
- [Pickles plop] - Honey, honey, I promise you, when you see Dora walk down those stairs wearing a beautiful gown, all of your fear and anger will melt away, and you'll just be left with super happy dad feels.
Whatever, fine.
Everybody can just do what they want, because I've obviously lost control of this family.
The only thing I can control is this sandwich.
Damn it! - Okay, Andy, put your arm around Clara.
- Here goes everything.
Andy, lose the hover hand.
The what? Well, your hand's just floating high above her.
It's okay, you can touch my shoulder.
But it's so bare and well-moisturized.
Look, I like you, dude.
You're not like the other guys.
You're kind of an oddball.
Thank you.
So Damn! Looking sharp, kiddo.
Dora: Coming down.
- Oh, [bleep] no.
- [Music warps and fades] What dat? Nothing.
Dora, you look Wow.
Ben: Yes, "wow.
" You look so great, honey.
Really, so adult.
Adults only.
You okay, Ben? Yes! Big stuff.
Hey, Gabe, your boutonniere's slipping.
Let me get that for ya.
- Is it? - Uh, yes, it is.
Excuse us.
Ooh, sharp.
Uh, you know, I could probably pin that on myself.
Let me tell you something, Gabe.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills that I have acquired over a very long career, skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.
Um, isn't that the Liam Neeson speech from the movie "Taken"? Ooh.
Look who watches PG-13 movies.
Um Follow me, Gabe.
You'll have my daughter returned home safe, and that'll be the end of it, Gabe.
I will not look for you.
I will not pursue you.
But if you break curfew or her heart, I will look for you.
I will find you.
And I will kill you.
[Both laugh] It's a great movie, huh? Love that line.
Anywho, have fun tonight.
Yay! Okay, one last group shot.
Dora, where's Gabe? Um, don't know.
He said he was going to the bathroom.
The downstairs bathroom? 'Cause I was just in there and the window was open, - and the curtains were blowing.
- [Cellphone chimes] - Oh, my God.
- Gabe just ditched me.
- Oh, no.
- What? Dad, what did you say to Gabe? What? Nothing.
'Cause this text says that in the interest of his personal safety, he thinks it's best if we never speak again.
[Scoffs] Classic Gabe.
Always freaking out for no reason.
[Cellphone chimes] Alice: "To be absolutely clear, I think you're great, and the only reason I ran is 'cause your father threatened to take my life.
" How could you do this to me? 'Cause I didn't want you to go to prom.
What about Andy? Well, i-it's different with boys.
Dad, that's a full-on double standard against girls.
Oh, my God! You tried to trick me with the Andy Rule.
Uh, hi, I'm I'm Andy.
Feeling like I deserve to know the Andy rule.
No, she said, "Andy rules.
" Go, Andy.
Dad said I couldn't go to prom unless you got a date, which he thought would never happen.
Andy: Well, guess what.
Now I am standing here with my arm around That's right, all the way around This lovely angel, proving you wrong.
Let's just go stand somewhere near the street.
[Door opens] I know I act all tough and above it all but but the truth is I really wanted to go to prom.
Thanks a lot.
Dora, I'm sorry.
Please come out, Princess.
Dora: [Crying] I'm not your princess.
- I'm a grown-Ass woman.
- Just come out.
We-We can make milkshakes and watch "Care Bears.
" "Care Bears"? I don't want "Care Bears.
" I want Gabe.
I love him.
- All right, come on.
- It's true.
I love everything about Gabe Saperstein.
I think it's Bernstein.
Well, whatever.
I love how he's sweet and and an average height.
I love how he comes and sings at doors.
And I love[Sobs] - how his name is Gabe.
- Yes, you clearly know all about him.
Well, I know you can't keep us apart! - I long for him.
- You long for no boy! The more you tell me I can't long for him, the longer my longing becomes.
Okay, let's take it easy, everybody.
What's the difference? Dad got what he wanted.
I'm not going to prom.
I guess I'm the kind of princess who gets locked up in a tower! Be honest.
I'm horrible, right? Eh Y-You're just making a noise.
Is it a good noise? Eh Yeah, I deserved that.
It's hard for dads when their little girls grow up.
She used to be my little pumpkin who'd run into my arms when I came home or ask me to kiss her ouchies.
She's gone.
It's all gone.
Yeah, but now she's this amazing young woman who's special in a whole new way.
Yeah, but that's the thing.
She's gonna disappear, too.
[Chuckles] I guess I thought if I could hold off on prom for just another year, then, I don't know, maybe I could slow things down.
Yeah, but you can't.
I know.
So what now? Go to her.
And tell her to go to him.
To get him to go with her to the prom.
Yeah, no, no, I got it.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
"Taken" dad! No, no, no, no, no.
We're cool.
So sorry about before.
I got totally carried away.
Gabe, you're a sweet boy.
Dora, take it away.
Gabe, I owe you an apology, too.
I should've just said yes the first time you asked.
[Inhales sharply] Ah, that's why I'm here.
Um [Laughs] N-Not just Not just 'cause I want to go to prom, but because I want to go to prom with you.
Two, three, four.
Sorry I was such a jerk before I want to go to prom, get in the car Oops, that sounded kind of threatening [Laughs] Sorry, this is weird.
I'm not good at these things [Laughs] I know half these kids are probably on Molly, but it's so cute.
Ben: Got to admit, having some super happy dad feels here.
I'm glad Dora didn't miss this.
I still can't believe Andy isn't missing this.
Think you underestimated both of them.
And you.
Thanks for holding my hand while my kids are letting go.
Deep inside I hope you'll feel it, too Well, guess we should stop creeping and head on home.
Actually I was thinking we could do something else first.
[Chuckles] Would you go to prom with me? Oh, my God, prom.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! - Who wants to be with you - I'm the one, oh Okay.
Well, is prom everything you hoped it would be? Mm, it's perfect.
Clara: Uh, Andy, is that your dad and his girlfriend? My God, have you no shame?! What is wrong with you two?! Mary: 20-plus years in the making, and we finally got our prom, girl! Let's hit the limo and make some mistakes! To be with you Ooh [Crowd cheering] Yeah, you know what we about Partying, like, so loud Getting down, like, all night, let's go Tonight we step it up [Crowd cheering] Step it up and fly away Oh, my God! Got our heads up in the clouds - Oh, oh, oh - Where tonight? Where tonight? Oh, oh, oh, where tonight?