Impastor (2015) s01e05 Episode Script


1 Oh, good morning, sleepyhead.
Oh, my gosh.
How much fun was Macaroni Junction last night? Chugga-chugga toot toot! Please, no train whistles before noon.
[laughs] Ever find out what happened to Alexa last night? Well, Russell said he saw her with some hunk muffin after the fashion show, so maybe she was having S-E-X, if you know what I mean.
Well, it's kind of tough when you speak in code like that, but I get the idea.
Damn, you look hot, Tina.
Oh, that's right.
You're Alexa now.
- [exhales sharply] - Guess I should get this changed.
What do you want, Kenny? You.
12 years in prison, you're all I could think about.
You said you would wait for me.
What was I supposed to do? I was broke, I was scared.
I took off to get a fresh start.
You may have been scared, but you weren't broke.
I I know you took the money.
What? No, I didn't.
You owe me.
Kenny, I swear, I don't know what happened with that money.
I came here with nothing and started a new life.
I wonder what would happen to that new life if all the people around here, cops, knew what you did 12 years ago? [tense music] 1x05 - Ex-Communication Hey, do I have to go to that Grief and Loss prayer circle? It sounds kind of depressing.
Well, if you don't go, I'll have to.
Hi, Dora.
- Oh, hey, Becky.
- Hi, Pastor.
Here's the quote I want sewn into my dress.
I know we said next week, but can I have it by tomorrow? Oh, this is gonna be really tough because to'cause I Oh, what the heck? Okay.
I'll fire up the machine and get to sewing.
Thanks again, Dora.
You're such a good friend.
Oh, I'm happy to do it.
And I'm so thrilled for you and Pete.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[sobbing] Is something wrong? No, I don't want to bother you with it.
It's just the guy that she's engaged to, Pete well, I used to be engaged to him two years ago.
Until the rehearsal dinner.
[upbeat Italian music playing] I always wondered how I would know when I met Mr.
And I think it was Aunt Joanie who told me "When you know, you know.
" Here's to knowing.
I don't know.
What to say? Just speak from the heart, pumpkin.
No, I don't know about us.
And you deserve someone who's 100% sure.
No, I-I don't need 100%.
I-I'd take 80.
Can you give me 80? Joanie, scoot in.
Can you give me 80? Pete, I'll take anything over 50! Man, you really embarrassed yourself.
Yeah, and I thought I was over it, I really did.
And then I saw this beautiful dress, and then I-I just Oh, Dora, don't be such a Sullen Sally.
Oh, I better get to work sewing her quote in.
What's it say? "When you know, you know.
" Yeesh.
[romantic music playing] These blue eyes are glad to see you again.
Oh, oh, I'm terribly sorry.
No, I thought you were someone else.
I just I'm not a pervert.
Come on, come on.
Lucky penny, my ass.
Missed you at the Junction last night.
Russell ate his spumoni too fast, got an ice cream headache, it was off the hook.
Yeah, I'm sorry I couldn't make it.
Uh, Pastor Barlow, this is Kenny.
He's an old friend of mine.
Hey, welcome to Ladner.
Let's go.
Nice to meet you, too.
[door opens and closes] Hey, you talked to Alexa today? She happen to mention anything about that guy she's with? No, I don't know, maybe they're just somewhere happily in a relationship together, but what would I know about that? [sighs] So, what? You still got a thing for that guy who dumped you? No.
It's just ever since I was a little girl, I have dreamed of walking down the aisle in the perfect wedding dress.
And I'm really starting to feel like it may never happen for me.
Well, it won't if you sit in here all day being a Sullen Sally.
You got to put yourself out there.
You know, I have been thinking about signing up for a 30-day trial on LutheranLifePartners.
I'm talking about going out to a bar.
You'd have guys all over.
You're a total babe.
[scoffs] And I'm not just talking last-call-beer-goggles babe.
- Legit.
- Well, thank you, but, I mean, I don't know.
And I couldn't just I couldn't go to a bar by myself.
Well, would you mind having a gay man as your date? I would love it.
I'll have Russell pick you up for happy hour.
[church organ music] [bell rings] [gasps] - Oh.
- Whoa.
Take it easy there.
It's just me, you favorite neighborhood pastor.
Sorry, I'm just a little jumpy today.
That have anything to do with your visitor? Kenny? No.
He's just an old friend.
He didn't seem too friendly to me.
Alexa, is he hassling you? Because if he is, tell me.
Let me help.
There's nothing you can do.
Maybe I could talk to him.
You have no idea the kind of guy he is.
I know exactly the kind of guy he is.
My mother had a lot of Kennys in her life.
Just stay out of it.
Okay? [lively music] (Buddy voice-over) I probably should have stayed out of it [horn honking] (Buddy) But I didn't.
A little early for Scotch, isn't it? Bite me, asshole.
[door shuts] That's Pastor Asshole to you.
Look, I don't know what your deal is, but Alexa is a member of my flock, and it's my job to look out for her.
You know what you should be looking out for? Oh! [coughs] [grunts] That.
[pants] Good tip.
Hey! I'm not done with you.
Sounds like somebody wants some more.
[grunts] You [bleep] with the wrong pastor! (Buddy voice-over) The good feeling I had from cold-cocking this prick soon gave way to a much more sobering thought.
What the hell do I do now? (Buddy voice-over) I threw Kenny in my car and bought some duct tape to tie him up before he came to.
I needed time to think.
[playful music] Pastor Barlow.
- Hey.
- Funny meeting you here.
I-I need your input on something.
Yeah, now is not really the best Here's a all my adult life, I have eaten oatmeal for breakfast.
Day in, day out, year after year, and it's kept me secure and regular, but it's bland.
And frankly, I am bored of it.
Fascinating stuff, Alden.
I have been thinking about exploring something sweeter, like a hot, glazed doughnut, but I know it would be bad for me.
Oh, Pastor, how does a man resist temptation? Well, in breakfast, as in life What who is in your car there? Oh, that's, uh that's one of Alexa's mannequins.
She's letting me use it so I could drive in the carpool lane.
But, as for your problem, did you ever hear of the story of Jesus and the, uh - Stop sign? - No.
As he told his disciples, if you look at it this way, it tells you to stop.
But if you look at it this way, it doesn't.
Understand? No, not at all.
Oh, well.
You noodle on that a while.
Peace be with you.
[dramatic music] [dance music playing] Women really come to places like this to find love? Not dressed like that, they don't.
Stand up so I can assess the damage.
It's all so Little House On the Prairie.
Thank you.
I love that show.
Try undoing your cardigan.
Let loose a bit.
Okay, do a little hair flip.
We'll work on it.
[car door shuts] - Hey.
- Hey.
You know before when you told me to stay out of it with Kenny? I kinda didn't.
Oh, no.
Please don't tell me you pissed him off.
Well, that depends.
Does he get pissed off when he gets hit in the head with a bottle? What? What are you talking about? He kicked me in the balls, so I clocked him.
Where is he now? I don't know.
I was gonna tie him up, but he got away.
Who are you? Just your average, everyday pastor with really sore nuts.
Buddy, you have no idea what you have done.
Kenny is a violent, mentally unstable ex-con.
Okay, that's some info I could have used an hour ago.
Neither of us is safe, all right? He's gonna come after us.
If he's that dangerous, why don't you just go to the police? Uh I can't.
Okay, it's a long story.
I'll tell you when we get there.
Get where? Wherever we're going that's not here.
Let's go dance.
No, thank you.
I'm just really not a dancer.
Dora, come on.
Get out of your shell.
[dance music playing] Shake it like you're gonna break it Okay.
Shake your body like you're gonna break it Drop it let me see you break it Shake it like you're gonna break it Move it, let me see you prove it Shake it like you're gonna break it Two fine ladies with a boo booty Two fine ladies with a boo-booty Go back in your shell, go back in your shell.
I want to find a lady with a boo-booty Whoa, is everything okay? It is now.
I thought you were having a seizure.
Lady with a big butt All right.
$20 for the hour, 60 for the whole night.
Uh, we'll take it for the night.
Ooh, marathon man, huh? Call me when the pill wears off.
Well, that wasn't awkward.
Him thinking we're here for sex.
I guess he couldn't tell I'm gay.
You know, you don't really come across that way.
No? Not to me.
Yeah, so tell me why you can't go to the police about Kenny.
If I do, can I trust that you'll keep it between us? I'm a pastor.
It's my job to keep secrets.
And to bless crap.
Uh Here it goes.
Um II am not who everybody in Ladner thinks I am.
My real name is Christina Burke, and when I was a teenager, I was involved in a bank robbery.
Holy shit.
I did not see that one coming.
I was a runaway, living on the streets of Boston, and Kenny took me in.
You know, he made me feel safe.
I was young and naive, and he convinced me to drive the getaway car.
You said he was an ex-con.
I'm guessing he got caught.
Yeah, but I got away.
I changed my name, moved across the country, and somehow he tracked me down.
What does he want? He says that I owe him.
He thinks that I stole the money he hid, but I didn't.
Buddy, I have worked so hard for what I have, and I don't want to I don't want to lose it.
Of course not.
[poignant music] You have no idea what it's like living a lie.
Pretending to be someone you're not.
I can only imagine.
- You sure you're okay? - Yes.
- Okay.
- Fine.
I'm just gonna stay here for a little bit and rest before I go home Alone like always.
- This is fun.
- [chuckles] - Good night then.
- Night.
For what it's worth, I'll always be here for you.
Unless, you know, I meet someone.
[door opens and closes] [scoffs] (Alden voice-over) "We met here.
I spilled water on you.
"You noticed my blue eyes.
"Would like to see you again.
The Last Gentleman.
" [upbeat music] [inhales deeply] [exhales] - Mr.
Schmidt? - Oh, I just just looking.
- We're closing now.
- Wh Yeah, well, uh, uh, good night, Jerome.
I'm Karl.
Dum dum da-dum Do you want do you want me to make a toast? "When you know You know.
" [dramatic music] You okay? Yeah.
Yeah, I was just seeing how comfy to floor was 'cause that's where I'll be sleeping.
I don't see why we can't just sleep in the same bed.
I mean, you are gay, right? Like Christmas.
Really wouldn't mind not sleeping alone tonight.
Oh, okay.
Do you always sleep with your pants on? Ah, right.
[chuckles] You should turn around.
So modest.
(Buddy voice-over) It wasn't modesty.
I just didn't want her to see I had a boner.
[sighs] [sighs] [sighs] Kenny's never gonna stop until he finds us.
How are we gonna get out of this? Don't worry.
I have a plan.
Just get some rest.
Oh, forgot to take my bra off.
[church organ music] (Buddy voice-over) I had lied to Alexa.
I had no plan.
All I had was a nagging hard-on and a psycho ex-con who had come 3,000 miles for revenge.
Alexa, wake up.
I need you to call Kenny.
Say you want to meet him here at the motel.
And then what? Then you get the hell out of here.
[doorbell rings] [sniffs] [doorbell rings] [gasps] Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
(Becky) Knock-knock.
[playful music] (Becky) I'm here for the dress.
[knocking] [door opening] Dora? Becky? [scoffs] What what's up, girlfriend? What's going on? [gasps] What did you do to my dress? I'm so, so sorry.
It was an accident.
You're wearing my wedding dress by accident? - Maybe well, no.
- Then what the heck? I don't know.
I guess that I Just stop.
I am so mad at you right now, I can't even see straight.
You're mad at me? I am mad at you.
[gasps] For what? [chuckles] For marrying my ex-fiancée, and for stealing my quote, and for asking me to sew it into this stupid dress that I look amazing in.
Well, you seemed like you were fine with everything.
I'm Dora.
I always seem like I'm fine with everything.
My face says nothing about my feelings.
Why did you say yes when I asked you to sew my quote in? Because I say yes to everything.
Yes, I'll sew your quote in.
Yes, I'll dance even though it makes people think I need medical attention.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
It's all I ever say, but that stops right now, Becko.
I will not let people walk all over me.
I will not be a Dora-mat.
From now on, I will never say yes when I want to say no! Okay, you're a little out of control right now, so I'm gonna leave.
I assume you'll get the dress cleaned.
Oh, yes, of course.
[screams] [knocking] Where's Alexa? You're dealing with me now.
Oh, you're in this together? That's right.
I don't know what she's been telling you, but she ain't the innocent little princess you think she is.
She's playing you, just like she played me.
There's a guy I recently met said, "Bite me, asshole.
" Don't [chuckles] Don't be stupid, Pastor man.
If you even are a pastor.
You sure as hell don't seem like one to me.
All right, you know what? Let's keep this on you, okay? You familiar with the name Mike Hoffman? Where did you get that name? Well, it turns out parole officers are public record.
Yeah, old Mike wasn't too happy to learn that you left the state of Massachusetts without telling him.
You son of a bitch.
Hey, hey.
The local police should be here in about ten minutes.
You got two choices: wait here, go back to prison.
Or take off now and see if you can outrun them.
Maybe there's a third choice.
Yeah? What's that? [gunshot]