Impractical Jokers (2017) s04e08 Episode Script
Damned If You Do
narrator: Coming up, will murr go down in a blade of glory? Murr go down in a blade of glory? [ laughter .]
Glory? [ laughter .]
why is sal having mommy issues? [ laughter .]
why is sal having mommy issues? "get your meaty paws off my Why is sal having mommy issues? "get your meaty paws off my dvr, mom.
" "get your meaty paws off my dvr, mom.
" [ laughter .]
Dvr, mom.
" [ laughter .]
narrator: And which losing [ laughter .]
narrator: And which losing joker is gonna bomb at the box narrator: And which losing joker is gonna bomb at the box office in tonight's punishment? Joker is gonna bomb at the box office in tonight's punishment? oh, my god! Office in tonight's punishment? oh, my god! [ tires screech .]
oh, my god! [ tires screech .]
prepare for something [ tires screech .]
prepare for something amazing.
prepare for something amazing.
hey, mustache, what's up? Amazing.
hey, mustache, what's up? [ laughter .]
hey, mustache, what's up? [ laughter .]
I want my mommy! [ laughter .]
I want my mommy! [ laughter .]
I want my mommy! [ laughter .]
I will never forgive you! [ laughter .]
I will never forgive you! larry! I will never forgive you! larry! [ laughter .]
larry! [ laughter .]
today we are going to break [ laughter .]
today we are going to break every bone in our bodies by today we are going to break every bone in our bodies by playing the balloon game on ice.
we'll be taking turns trying to attach a balloon on a To attach a balloon on a stranger without getting caught.
Stranger without getting caught.
it's gonna be me vs.
Sal it's gonna be me vs.
Sal 'cause we're great at skating.
'cause we're great at skating.
and it's gonna be me vs.
Q and it's gonna be me vs.
Q 'cause we're good at falling.
'cause we're good at falling.
[ laughter .]
hey, guys, they just zambonied the ice.
Zambonied the ice.
I know.
We saw.
I know.
We saw.
So you got that slippery ice.
it's, like, super slippery.
So you got that slippery ice.
it's, like, super slippery.
there they go.
it's, like, super slippery.
there they go.
all right.
there they go.
all right.
wow, murray is slick on those all right.
wow, murray is slick on those skates.
wow, murray is slick on those skates.
murray's trying to show off.
Skates.
murray's trying to show off.
Automatic win, sal, if you skate murray's trying to show off.
Automatic win, sal, if you skate as hard as you can and just Automatic win, sal, if you skate as hard as you can and just check murray.
As hard as you can and just check murray.
[ laughter .]
Check murray.
[ laughter .]
no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
[ laughter .]
no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's not -- you can't change no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's not -- you can't change the rules of the game.
That's not -- you can't change the rules of the game.
[ both laugh .]
all right, here we go.
two out of three.
there's sal.
two out of three.
there's sal.
Ohhh! there's sal.
Ohhh! here we go.
here we go.
[ ding! .]
he's on! [ ding! .]
he's on! oh, murray's right in! He's on! oh, murray's right in! murray's right behind him! oh, murray's right in! murray's right behind him! uh-oh! Uh-oh! murray's right behind him! uh-oh! Uh-oh! oh, good save, murr, good uh-oh! Uh-oh! oh, good save, murr, good save! oh, good save, murr, good save! He kept it on.
Save! He kept it on.
He still -- now it's off.
He kept it on.
He still -- now it's off.
All right, all right, murray's He still -- now it's off.
All right, all right, murray's in.
All right, all right, murray's in.
look at this.
In.
look at this.
Look at this! look at this.
Look at this! whoa! Excuse me.
Look at this! whoa! Excuse me.
no.
whoa! Excuse me.
no.
oh! no.
oh! [ laughs .]
oh! [ laughs .]
whoa! [ laughs .]
whoa! [ laughs .]
whoa! [ laughs .]
murray got caught! [ laughs .]
murray got caught! whoa! He swiped at me.
Murray got caught! whoa! He swiped at me.
He swiped at me and said, "no.
" whoa! He swiped at me.
He swiped at me and said, "no.
" [ both laugh .]
sal wins it! Sal wins! wow! murray got nailed.
wow! murray got nailed.
All right, boys.
murray got nailed.
All right, boys.
murr is back in.
All right, boys.
murr is back in.
He's going again.
murr is back in.
He's going again.
on your left.
on your left.
On your right, on your right.
he's got this guy.
On your right, on your right.
he's got this guy.
[ ding! .]
he's got this guy.
[ ding! .]
did he get him? [ ding! .]
did he get him? he got him.
did he get him? he got him.
he got him! he got him.
he got him! he got him! he got him! he got him! This is actually helping this he got him! This is actually helping this guy.
This is actually helping this guy.
it's helping his balance.
Guy.
it's helping his balance.
this is helping this guy stay it's helping his balance.
this is helping this guy stay up.
this is helping this guy stay up.
there's sal.
Up.
there's sal.
hey, man, what's up? there's sal.
hey, man, what's up? [ laughter .]
hey, man, what's up? [ laughter .]
oh! Uh-oh! [ laughter .]
oh! Uh-oh! Oh! He got the balloon.
oh! Uh-oh! Oh! He got the balloon.
[ laughs .]
Oh! He got the balloon.
[ laughs .]
now it's interesting.
[ laughs .]
now it's interesting.
[ laughs .]
now it's interesting.
[ laughs .]
sal's missing his golden [ laughs .]
sal's missing his golden opportunity.
Sal's missing his golden opportunity.
Aah! Opportunity.
Aah! aah! Aah! aah! aah! aah! aah! [ laughter .]
aah! [ laughter .]
[ laughter intensifies .]
[ laughter .]
[ laughter intensifies .]
they both have balloons, and [ laughter intensifies .]
they both have balloons, and they're just hanging out! They both have balloons, and they're just hanging out! Oh! Oh, my god! They're just hanging out! Oh! Oh, my god! he's got one.
Oh! Oh, my god! he's got one.
all right, sal, go ahead.
he's got one.
all right, sal, go ahead.
[ laughs .]
all right, sal, go ahead.
[ laughs .]
oh, boy, here we go.
[ laughs .]
oh, boy, here we go.
ohh! oh, boy, here we go.
ohh! Ohh! ohh! Ohh! [ ding! .]
Ohh! [ ding! .]
boy! [ ding! .]
boy! he thinks it's murr, he Boy! he thinks it's murr, he thinks it's murr.
Aah! oh, that's a clean sweep for sal.
oh, that's a clean sweep for sal.
[ laughs .]
Sal.
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
oh, wow.
[ laughs .]
oh, wow.
whoa.
oh, wow.
whoa.
all right.
whoa.
all right.
[ laughs .]
all right.
[ laughs .]
got that.
[ laughs .]
got that.
[ laughs .]
got that.
[ laughs .]
why are we doing this? why are we doing this? I'm gonna ask you guys a serious question, because I'm I'm gonna ask you guys a serious question, because I'm looking at you, and I feel it Serious question, because I'm looking at you, and I feel it inside.
Looking at you, and I feel it inside.
yeah.
Inside.
yeah.
are you tired already? yeah.
are you tired already? 'cause I would already be tired.
are you tired already? 'cause I would already be tired.
my calves are burning.
'cause I would already be tired.
my calves are burning.
[ laughs .]
my calves are burning.
[ laughs .]
[ laughing .]
they haven't [ laughs .]
[ laughing .]
they haven't done anything.
[ laughing .]
they haven't done anything.
[ laughs .]
Done anything.
[ laughs .]
you know when you're watching [ laughs .]
you know when you're watching cruise ships go by? You know when you're watching cruise ships go by? [ laughs .]
Cruise ships go by? [ laughs .]
it's like watching a cruise [ laughs .]
it's like watching a cruise ship.
It's like watching a cruise ship.
so slow.
Ship.
so slow.
I want off.
so slow.
I want off.
Can I just take a loss? I want off.
Can I just take a loss? you got to get someone, guys.
Can I just take a loss? you got to get someone, guys.
[ sighs .]
you got to get someone, guys.
[ sighs .]
all right, I'm gonna make it [ sighs .]
all right, I'm gonna make it happen.
All right, I'm gonna make it happen.
he's got the targets in Happen.
he's got the targets in sight.
he's got the targets in sight.
they're going too fast.
Sight.
they're going too fast.
[ chuckles .]
they're going too fast.
[ chuckles .]
they're speeding up.
[ chuckles .]
they're speeding up.
Come on, q.
they're speeding up.
Come on, q.
[ laughs .]
Come on, q.
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
work, q, work! [ laughs .]
work, q, work! [ laughs .]
work, q, work! [ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
it might be over.
[ laughs .]
it might be over.
[ laughing .]
it might be over.
[ laughing .]
they get -- they go -- they [ laughing .]
they get -- they go -- they move too fast.
they get -- they go -- they move too fast.
it's supposed to be two out Move too fast.
it's supposed to be two out of three.
it's supposed to be two out of three.
[ laughs .]
Of three.
[ laughs .]
how are they doing two out of [ laughs .]
how are they doing two out of three? how are they doing two out of three? [ laughs .]
Three? [ laughs .]
they can't do one out of one.
[ laughs .]
they can't do one out of one.
[ chuckles .]
They can't do one out of one.
[ chuckles .]
forget best two out of three, [ chuckles .]
forget best two out of three, okay? forget best two out of three, okay? Whoever gets it wins for you Okay? Whoever gets it wins for you guys? Whoever gets it wins for you guys? all right, all right.
Guys? all right, all right.
got this guy in the green all right, all right.
got this guy in the green coat in front of me.
got this guy in the green coat in front of me.
all right.
Coat in front of me.
all right.
joe's in pursuit.
all right.
joe's in pursuit.
Oh! The game's all done! joe's in pursuit.
Oh! The game's all done! oh, my god! He did it! Oh! The game's all done! oh, my god! He did it! I did not think it was gonna oh, my god! He did it! I did not think it was gonna happen today.
I did not think it was gonna happen today.
uh-oh.
Happen today.
uh-oh.
The little kid noticed.
uh-oh.
The little kid noticed.
it's okay.
The little kid noticed.
it's okay.
He didn't catch joe.
it's okay.
He didn't catch joe.
the game's still on.
He didn't catch joe.
the game's still on.
Q, it's your turn.
the game's still on.
Q, it's your turn.
He's gonna do it.
Oh! Q, it's your turn.
He's gonna do it.
Oh! [ ding! .]
He's gonna do it.
Oh! [ ding! .]
oh, my god, q! [ ding! .]
oh, my god, q! q got it! Oh, my god, q! q got it! yes! q got it! yes! Wow! yes! Wow! The guy noticed! Wow! The guy noticed! The guy noticed! The guy noticed! The guy noticed! now he knows something's up.
The guy noticed! now he knows something's up.
joe is in hot pursuit.
now he knows something's up.
joe is in hot pursuit.
I wouldn't call it hot.
joe is in hot pursuit.
I wouldn't call it hot.
It's like lukewarm pursuit.
I wouldn't call it hot.
It's like lukewarm pursuit.
[ laughs .]
It's like lukewarm pursuit.
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
oh, my god, here we go, here [ laughs .]
oh, my god, here we go, here we go, here we go! oh, my god, here we go, here we go, here we go! joe -- aah! We go, here we go! joe -- aah! oh.
joe -- aah! oh.
oh! oh.
oh! I overshot.
oh! I overshot.
I overshot.
I overshot.
I overshot.
[ laughs .]
I overshot.
[ laughs .]
come [ laughs .]
come Oh, my god! Oh, my god! come Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Ohh! Oh! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Ohh! Oh! Oh, my god! q, your turn.
[ laughs .]
oh, q's coming in hot.
[ laughs .]
oh, q's coming in hot.
[ ding! .]
[ ding! .]
oh, my god, q did it! he did it! oh, my god, q did it! he did it! wow! he did it! wow! double balloons! wow! double balloons! he got it? double balloons! he got it? this is a heated game.
he got it? this is a heated game.
aw, damn it.
this is a heated game.
aw, damn it.
[ laughs .]
aw, damn it.
[ laughs .]
whoo! [ laughs .]
whoo! back to joe.
whoo! back to joe.
I got to go again? back to joe.
I got to go again? Guys, there's no way I can do I got to go again? Guys, there's no way I can do another balloon right now.
Guys, there's no way I can do another balloon right now.
if you want to give up, Another balloon right now.
if you want to give up, buddy, you're free to give up.
if you want to give up, buddy, you're free to give up.
shut up.
Buddy, you're free to give up.
shut up.
Is there a medic? shut up.
Is there a medic? what's hurting the most -- Is there a medic? what's hurting the most -- feet, knees, back? what's hurting the most -- feet, knees, back? yes.
Feet, knees, back? yes.
[ laughing .]
yes.
[ laughing .]
oh, my god, this guy is like [ laughing .]
oh, my god, this guy is like lightning.
oh, my god, this guy is like lightning.
It's like trying to catch Lightning.
It's like trying to catch the flash.
It's like trying to catch the flash.
[ suspenseful music plays .]
The flash.
[ suspenseful music plays .]
[ ding! .]
[ suspenseful music plays .]
[ ding! .]
oh! [ laughing .]
[ ding! .]
oh! [ laughing .]
[ laughing .]
oh! [ laughing .]
[ laughing .]
amazing! [ laughing .]
amazing! I'll just hang out over amazing! I'll just hang out over here, q.
I'll just hang out over here, q.
You're up, bitch.
Here, q.
You're up, bitch.
where is he, where is he? You're up, bitch.
where is he, where is he? Oh, he left the rink! where is he, where is he? Oh, he left the rink! He left the rink! Oh, he left the rink! He left the rink! no! No! He left the rink! no! No! [ laughter .]
no! No! [ laughter .]
he left the rink! [ laughter .]
he left the rink! It's over! he left the rink! It's over! Joe wins! It's over! Joe wins! we have a winner! Joe wins! we have a winner! good job, buddy.
we have a winner! good job, buddy.
[ laughs .]
good job, buddy.
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughter .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughter .]
narrator: Murr and q got [ laughter .]
narrator: Murr and q got iced, so they're chillin' on the narrator: Murr and q got iced, so they're chillin' on the loser board.
Iced, so they're chillin' on the loser board.
today we're on the streets, Loser board.
today we're on the streets, collecting signatures for a very today we're on the streets, collecting signatures for a very important cause.
Collecting signatures for a very important cause.
there's just one catch.
Important cause.
there's just one catch.
We don't know what it is.
there's just one catch.
We don't know what it is.
we'll be stopping strangers We don't know what it is.
we'll be stopping strangers and asking them to sign we'll be stopping strangers and asking them to sign petitions that have been created And asking them to sign petitions that have been created by the other guys.
[ speaking indistinctly .]
sal, take your hood down.
sal, take your hood down.
fine.
fine.
q, take your hood down, too, q, take your hood down, too, buddy.
Buddy.
sal? Sal! sal? Sal! Oh, my god, sal! Oh, my god, sal! here we go.
here we go.
Wonderful cause.
Wonderful cause.
One second, one signature.
One second, one signature.
Help me out.
It's a petition for the mayor.
I'm bringing this before the I'm bringing this before the city council.
City council.
[ laughter .]
[ laughter .]
"get your meaty paws off my dvr, "get your meaty paws off my dvr, mom.
" Mom.
" [ laughter .]
[ laughter .]
I live at home, still.
I live at home, still.
My mom's always erasing my programs.
My mom's always erasing my programs.
I want to watch "burn notice.
" Programs.
I want to watch "burn notice.
" [ laughing .]
"I want to watch I want to watch "burn notice.
" [ laughing .]
"I want to watch 'burn notice.
'" no, she pays for the cable.
No, wait, wait! Aah! [ laughter .]
No, wait, wait! Aah! [ laughter .]
no "burn notice" for you.
[ laughter .]
no "burn notice" for you.
no "burn notice" for you, no "burn notice" for you.
no "burn notice" for you, buddy.
no "burn notice" for you, buddy.
It's gonna be all Buddy.
It's gonna be all "grey's anatomy" all the time.
It's gonna be all "grey's anatomy" all the time.
my man, wonderful cause here.
"grey's anatomy" all the time.
my man, wonderful cause here.
One signature.
Takes one second.
my man, wonderful cause here.
One signature.
Takes one second.
I'm bringing it before the One signature.
Takes one second.
I'm bringing it before the mayor.
I want to evict a wonderful family I have as tenants.
[ laughter .]
Family I have as tenants.
[ laughter .]
they have a couple of kids, a They have a couple of kids, a dog, they always pay on time, they've been with me for 10 Dog, they always pay on time, they've been with me for 10 years.
They've been with me for 10 years.
wait.
Years.
wait.
So, why do you want them out? wait.
So, why do you want them out? they're wonderful people, but So, why do you want them out? they're wonderful people, but they won't leave, and I need they're wonderful people, but they won't leave, and I need them out.
They won't leave, and I need them out.
[ laughter .]
Them out.
[ laughter .]
oh, you're wonderful.
[ laughter .]
oh, you're wonderful.
Thank you very much.
Oh, you're wonderful.
Thank you very much.
he's signing, he's signing.
Thank you very much.
he's signing, he's signing.
I'm just gonna evict this he's signing, he's signing.
I'm just gonna evict this wonderful family, put them out I'm just gonna evict this wonderful family, put them out on the streets, that's all.
he speaks english, sal speaks english.
Does not understand the words?! English.
Does not understand the words?! [ laughs .]
Does not understand the words?! [ laughs .]
help a great cause? [ laughs .]
help a great cause? One signature, one second.
help a great cause? One signature, one second.
I'm with the city council.
"I'm no longer ascared of the dark.
" [ laughter .]
Dark.
" [ laughter .]
for years, I grew up [ laughter .]
for years, I grew up okay.
okay.
And I've had a fear -- a debilitating fear of the dark.
And I've had a fear -- a debilitating fear of the dark.
[ light laughter .]
Debilitating fear of the dark.
[ light laughter .]
so I'm out here getting [ light laughter .]
so I'm out here getting signatures so I can start an So I'm out here getting signatures so I can start an organization to make people who Signatures so I can start an organization to make people who are scared of the dark -- Organization to make people who are scared of the dark -- they're no longer ascared.
Yes, sir.
Thank you so much.
[ laughing .]
"ascared.
" he's signing it.
[ laughing .]
"ascared.
" he's signing it.
'cause he thinks he's an he's signing it.
'cause he thinks he's an imbecile.
'cause he thinks he's an imbecile.
yeah.
Imbecile.
yeah.
he thinks he's soft upstairs, yeah.
he thinks he's soft upstairs, so he's he thinks he's soft upstairs, so he's [ laughs .]
So he's [ laughs .]
I'll tell you what I'm not [ laughs .]
I'll tell you what I'm not ascared of -- losing this I'll tell you what I'm not ascared of -- losing this challenge.
Ascared of -- losing this challenge.
what's up with the knee drop Challenge.
what's up with the knee drop at the end there? what's up with the knee drop at the end there? Like, what was that? At the end there? Like, what was that? [ laughs .]
Like, what was that? [ laughs .]
[ ding! .]
hey, guys, I'm out here with this.
This.
I'm doing the, uh -- I'm doing the, uh -- [ laughter .]
[ laughter .]
you guys don't understand the You guys don't understand the power of the lanyard.
It makes people stop dead in Power of the lanyard.
It makes people stop dead in their tracks.
It makes people stop dead in their tracks.
it's nothing.
Their tracks.
it's nothing.
You bought it from a corner.
it's nothing.
You bought it from a corner.
I'm out here with the You bought it from a corner.
I'm out here with the city council.
I'm out here with the city council.
I'm just talking to people about City council.
I'm just talking to people about trying to -- you're good? I'm just talking to people about trying to -- you're good? All right.
I'm out here with the official lanyard.
All right, man.
Lanyard.
All right, man.
[ laughter .]
All right, man.
[ laughter .]
I'm out here -- [ laughter .]
I'm out here -- I'm out here with the official I'm out here with the official lanyard, though.
I have the lanyard.
Lanyard, though.
I have the lanyard.
[ laughter .]
I have the lanyard.
[ laughter .]
hey, my man, you got a sec? [ laughter .]
hey, my man, you got a sec? I'm out here with this today.
Hey, my man, you got a sec? I'm out here with this today.
Uh, I'm doing the cultural I'm out here with this today.
Uh, I'm doing the cultural city council of new york.
Uh, I'm doing the cultural city council of new york.
I'm just working on getting some City council of new york.
I'm just working on getting some signatures out here.
Uh, I'm trying to un-- I'm trying to unsegregate schools.
[ laughs .]
Trying to unsegregate schools.
[ laughs .]
first of all, it's first of all, it's de-segregate.
so, basically, I want to get De-segregate.
so, basically, I want to get all the kids together.
Because the kids could learn from each other.
If you keep them segregated, From each other.
If you keep them segregated, these kids aren't gonna learn -- If you keep them segregated, these kids aren't gonna learn -- the black kids aren't gonna These kids aren't gonna learn -- the black kids aren't gonna learn from the white kids, the The black kids aren't gonna learn from the white kids, the chinese kids aren't gonna learn Learn from the white kids, the chinese kids aren't gonna learn from the japanese kids, the Chinese kids aren't gonna learn from the japanese kids, the costa ricans aren't gonna know From the japanese kids, the costa ricans aren't gonna know what the panamanians are talking Costa ricans aren't gonna know what the panamanians are talking about.
What the panamanians are talking about.
[ laughter .]
About.
[ laughter .]
so, what do you think about the [ laughter .]
so, what do you think about the unsegregated schools? So, what do you think about the unsegregated schools? Do you think you could get in on Unsegregated schools? Do you think you could get in on that action? [ laughter .]
good to meet you, man.
Thank you, buddy.
Good to meet you, man.
Thank you, buddy.
by the way, there's no Thank you, buddy.
by the way, there's no segregation.
by the way, there's no segregation.
oh.
This just in, pal.
Segregation.
oh.
This just in, pal.
There's no segregation.
oh.
This just in, pal.
There's no segregation.
[ laughter .]
There's no segregation.
[ laughter .]
hey, bub, I'm out here with my [ laughter .]
hey, bub, I'm out here with my official lanyard.
Hey, bub, I'm out here with my official lanyard.
I'm trying to get signatures for Official lanyard.
I'm trying to get signatures for the, uh -- I got a petition here I'm trying to get signatures for the, uh -- I got a petition here if you got two seconds.
It's to promote colonel mustard to general.
To general.
[ laughter .]
[ laughter .]
he's been doing a lot, He's been doing a lot, especially in the conservatory, Especially in the conservatory, he did some great work in the He did some great work in the library, he found the lead pipe.
Library, he found the lead pipe.
I think he really -- he should I think he really -- he should get a shot to become general.
Right? Get a shot to become general.
Right? 'cause why colonel mustard Right? 'cause why colonel mustard anymore? 'cause why colonel mustard anymore? Miss scarlet has been allying Anymore? Miss scarlet has been allying for a while.
Miss scarlet has been allying for a while.
You know, miss peacock -- she's For a while.
You know, miss peacock -- she's a two-faced bitch, but I really You know, miss peacock -- she's a two-faced bitch, but I really think colonel mustard has got A two-faced bitch, but I really think colonel mustard has got the mustardTo make it to the Think colonel mustard has got the mustardTo make it to the general.
The mustardTo make it to the general.
Thanks.
General.
Thanks.
You clearly don't have a clue Thanks.
You clearly don't have a clue about this, do you? You clearly don't have a clue about this, do you? [ laughter .]
About this, do you? [ laughter .]
doesn't matter.
[ laughter .]
doesn't matter.
Gatto, in the square with the Doesn't matter.
Gatto, in the square with the pen.
[ ding! .]
all right! all right! I'm pretty sure that that's a I'm pretty sure that that's a trademarked look that murray's Trademarked look that murray's attempting to cop right now.
Attempting to cop right now.
I wear hats like this all the I wear hats like this all the time.
you look like a child.
Time.
you look like a child.
you don't own this look! you look like a child.
you don't own this look! on this show, I own this you don't own this look! on this show, I own this look.
on this show, I own this look.
that actually completely fits Look.
that actually completely fits your head and looks nice.
that actually completely fits your head and looks nice.
does it? Thank you! Your head and looks nice.
does it? Thank you! you look like a very nice, does it? Thank you! you look like a very nice, handsome fellow.
you look like a very nice, handsome fellow.
you realize, in 23 years, Handsome fellow.
you realize, in 23 years, that's the first compliment sal you realize, in 23 years, that's the first compliment sal has given me? That's the first compliment sal has given me? if I were you, I would Has given me? if I were you, I would investigate that.
if I were you, I would investigate that.
[ laughter .]
Investigate that.
[ laughter .]
that's a great hat.
[ laughter .]
that's a great hat.
he's got a hat just like you that's a great hat.
he's got a hat just like you guys.
we're getting some petitions to present to the mayor.
To present to the mayor.
[ chuckles .]
[ chuckles .]
"genitalia on gummi bears.
" "genitalia on gummi bears.
" [ laughing .]
male and female.
That's right.
Now you're talk-- hold on.
That's right.
Now you're talk-- hold on.
Let me put that in.
Now you're talk-- hold on.
Let me put that in.
Trying to get some gummi balls Let me put that in.
Trying to get some gummi balls excuse me, sir.
Trying to get some gummi balls excuse me, sir.
Could I get a moment of your excuse me, sir.
Could I get a moment of your time? Could I get a moment of your time? We're collecting signatures for Time? We're collecting signatures for a petition to give to the mayor.
Uh, it is -- it is called, um [ chuckles .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
ready for this? "the 'white' house is racist, just rename it the house.
" Just rename it the house.
" it's racist.
Yeah, well, why does it got to be white, right? What's that about? Be white, right? What's that about? [bleep.]
[bleep.]
[bleep.]
.
What's that about? [bleep.]
[bleep.]
[bleep.]
.
[bleep.]
! [bleep.]
[bleep.]
[bleep.]
.
[bleep.]
! We can change it -- me and you, [bleep.]
! We can change it -- me and you, starting right here! We can change it -- me and you, starting right here! are you sure? Starting right here! are you sure? yeah, I think so! are you sure? yeah, I think so! [ laughing .]
"are you sure?" yeah, I think so! [ laughing .]
"are you sure?" do you want to sign? [ laughing .]
"are you sure?" do you want to sign? ah! do you want to sign? ah! that's right.
ah! that's right.
all right.
that's right.
all right.
decades and decades of the all right.
decades and decades of the white house.
decades and decades of the white house.
Now we got a black president, White house.
Now we got a black president, and it's still the white house.
Now we got a black president, and it's still the white house.
I love these spikes, bro.
Yeah, you look like a cooper trooper.
It's sweet.
Cooper trooper.
It's sweet.
[ laughs .]
[ ding! .]
sir, you're the last sir, you're the last signature I need.
Signature I need.
I'm not selling anything.
I'm not selling anything.
I'm trying to get signatures to I'm trying to get signatures to [chuckles.]
to steal people's signatures, yes.
[chuckles.]
to steal people's signatures, yes.
Do you mind -- Do you mind -- no.
no? You don't want to sign? no.
no? You don't want to sign? Of course you don't.
no? You don't want to sign? Of course you don't.
That's a terrible thing to sign.
Of course you don't.
That's a terrible thing to sign.
Don't ever sign that.
That's a terrible thing to sign.
Don't ever sign that.
[ chuckling .]
who would sign Don't ever sign that.
[ chuckling .]
who would sign that? [ chuckling .]
who would sign that? that was an easy one, bud.
That? that was an easy one, bud.
I'm trying to steal people's that was an easy one, bud.
I'm trying to steal people's signatures? I'm trying to steal people's signatures? [ laughter .]
Signatures? [ laughter .]
sir, I have a meeting in a [ laughter .]
sir, I have a meeting in a half-hour with the mayor, and I Sir, I have a meeting in a half-hour with the mayor, and I need two more signatures.
I'm trying to bring back the draft, but only for jerks.
Draft, but only for jerks.
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
who's a jerk? who's a jerk? jerks.
Like, real jerks.
jerks.
Like, real jerks.
Like -- like, the draft -- Like -- like, the draft -- no one wants to bring the draft back, but if you're a jerk, No one wants to bring the draft back, but if you're a jerk, we'll draft you.
You're on the subway, and there's a lady standing up, and she's questionably pregnant, and There's a lady standing up, and she's questionably pregnant, and there's a guy sitting right in She's questionably pregnant, and there's a guy sitting right in front of her.
There's a guy sitting right in front of her.
That guy is a jerk.
Front of her.
That guy is a jerk.
maybe he's ill.
That guy is a jerk.
maybe he's ill.
Some people got gout.
maybe he's ill.
Some people got gout.
[ laughter .]
Some people got gout.
[ laughter .]
if we put a gout clause in [ laughter .]
if we put a gout clause in the petition, how about that? if we put a gout clause in the petition, how about that? Fair enough? The petition, how about that? Fair enough? well, no, because there's Fair enough? well, no, because there's more than just gout.
well, no, because there's more than just gout.
There's a lot of things.
More than just gout.
There's a lot of things.
there's more than just gout? There's a lot of things.
there's more than just gout? this guy is rationalizing why there's more than just gout? this guy is rationalizing why jerks are not good for the this guy is rationalizing why jerks are not good for the draft.
Jerks are not good for the draft.
I mean, what are we gonna do, Draft.
I mean, what are we gonna do, go around and ask each and every I mean, what are we gonna do, go around and ask each and every guy we see? Go around and ask each and every guy we see? Guys that's not a jerk that's at Guy we see? Guys that's not a jerk that's at war? Guys that's not a jerk that's at war? I think everybody that go to war War? I think everybody that go to war is a jerk.
I think everybody that go to war is a jerk.
yeah, sure.
Is a jerk.
yeah, sure.
I mean, that's my own yeah, sure.
I mean, that's my own philosophy.
I mean, that's my own philosophy.
You can't straighten no one else Philosophy.
You can't straighten no one else out.
You can't straighten no one else out.
You don't want to send your Out.
You don't want to send your family over there.
You don't want to send your family over there.
yeah.
Family over there.
yeah.
no one's gonna send their yeah.
no one's gonna send their family over there.
no one's gonna send their family over there.
I might be a jerk, as well.
Family over there.
I might be a jerk, as well.
I think they're all jerks.
I might be a jerk, as well.
I think they're all jerks.
He might consider you a jerk.
I think they're all jerks.
He might consider you a jerk.
And I just got a ticket for He might consider you a jerk.
And I just got a ticket for going between the subway cars.
And I just got a ticket for going between the subway cars.
He's the guy that's working for Going between the subway cars.
He's the guy that's working for the government.
He's the guy that's working for the government.
so, maybe we should draft all The government.
so, maybe we should draft all the government and send those so, maybe we should draft all the government and send those jerks overseas.
The government and send those jerks overseas.
that's who should go.
Jerks overseas.
that's who should go.
all right! that's who should go.
all right! So, let's sign this [bleep.]
.
all right! So, let's sign this [bleep.]
.
saying what? So, let's sign this [bleep.]
.
saying what? [ laughs .]
saying what? [ laughs .]
he -- he lost himself.
[ laughs .]
he -- he lost himself.
He goes, "let's sign this He -- he lost himself.
He goes, "let's sign this [bleep.]
" He goes, "let's sign this [bleep.]
" "saying what?" [bleep.]
" "saying what?" he lost himself in that whole "saying what?" he lost himself in that whole conversation.
He lost himself in that whole conversation.
He doesn't even know what he's Conversation.
He doesn't even know what he's talking about anymore.
He doesn't even know what he's talking about anymore.
pleasure to meet you.
Talking about anymore.
pleasure to meet you.
Thank you, man.
pleasure to meet you.
Thank you, man.
aw! Thank you, man.
aw! couldn't get it, couldn't get aw! couldn't get it, couldn't get it.
couldn't get it, couldn't get it.
[ buzzer .]
It.
[ buzzer .]
narrator: It's a lost cause [ buzzer .]
narrator: It's a lost cause for murr, making him tonight's narrator: It's a lost cause for murr, making him tonight's big loser.
For murr, making him tonight's big loser.
and here we are, with our Big loser.
and here we are, with our loser, murr! and here we are, with our loser, murr! there he is.
Loser, murr! there he is.
yeah, here we go.
there he is.
yeah, here we go.
Well, all you got to do, bud -- yeah, here we go.
Well, all you got to do, bud -- it's pretty simple.
Well, all you got to do, bud -- it's pretty simple.
yeah.
It's pretty simple.
yeah.
let's get out of here.
yeah.
let's get out of here.
[ laughs .]
just go.
let's get out of here.
[ laughs .]
just go.
just leave? [ laughs .]
just go.
just leave? we're not telling you what just leave? we're not telling you what it is.
we're not telling you what it is.
You're not gonna know until it It is.
You're not gonna know until it happens.
You're not gonna know until it happens.
I just -- Happens.
I just -- that's it.
I just -- that's it.
go out the door.
that's it.
go out the door.
just sit down, buddy.
go out the door.
just sit down, buddy.
Just sit down.
just sit down, buddy.
Just sit down.
yeah, enjoy.
Just sit down.
yeah, enjoy.
just go.
yeah, enjoy.
just go.
I can sit.
just go.
I can sit.
okay.
I can sit.
okay.
doesn't get easier than that.
okay.
doesn't get easier than that.
sounds like a pretty easy doesn't get easier than that.
sounds like a pretty easy punishment.
sounds like a pretty easy punishment.
bye! Punishment.
bye! bye! bye! bye! bye-bye.
bye! bye-bye.
we're screening murray's film bye-bye.
we're screening murray's film "damned!" that he made in, what, we're screening murray's film "damned!" that he made in, what, '98? "damned!" that he made in, what, '98? '98 -- 1998.
'98? '98 -- 1998.
he self-produced it, he '98 -- 1998.
he self-produced it, he directed it, he wrote it, he did he self-produced it, he directed it, he wrote it, he did everything with it.
Directed it, he wrote it, he did everything with it.
it's terrible.
Everything with it.
it's terrible.
It is terrible.
it's terrible.
It is terrible.
he's been trying to bury it It is terrible.
he's been trying to bury it for 20 years.
he's been trying to bury it for 20 years.
he successfully buried it For 20 years.
he successfully buried it until right now.
he successfully buried it until right now.
guess who's got some shovels? Until right now.
guess who's got some shovels? [ laughter .]
guess who's got some shovels? [ laughter .]
it's totally in the sun.
[ laughter .]
it's totally in the sun.
[ laughter .]
it's totally in the sun.
[ laughter .]
[ loud rock 'n' roll plays .]
[ laughter .]
[ loud rock 'n' roll plays .]
yea-ea-h! [ loud rock 'n' roll plays .]
yea-ea-h! [ laughter .]
yea-ea-h! [ laughter .]
[ explosion .]
[ laughter .]
[ explosion .]
enjoy the next 50 minutes of [ explosion .]
enjoy the next 50 minutes of your life.
enjoy the next 50 minutes of your life.
[ laughter .]
Your life.
[ laughter .]
[ music fades .]
[ laughter .]
[ music fades .]
son? [ music fades .]
son? god? son? god? call me dad.
god? call me dad.
I'm not calling you dad! call me dad.
I'm not calling you dad! are we gonna start this I'm not calling you dad! are we gonna start this again?! are we gonna start this again?! I don't know, god, are we?! Again?! I don't know, god, are we?! [ laughter .]
I don't know, god, are we?! [ laughter .]
so, murray's movie is about [ laughter .]
so, murray's movie is about teen jesus set in modern times.
so, murray's movie is about teen jesus set in modern times.
[ laughter .]
Teen jesus set in modern times.
[ laughter .]
larry, who betrayed jesus? [ laughter .]
larry, who betrayed jesus? it was him! larry, who betrayed jesus? it was him! there's murray, there's it was him! there's murray, there's murray! there's murray, there's murray! there he is.
Murray! there he is.
[ laughter .]
there he is.
[ laughter .]
it's like alfred hitchcock [ laughter .]
it's like alfred hitchcock showing up in his own movie.
It's like alfred hitchcock showing up in his own movie.
holy [bleep.]
! Showing up in his own movie.
holy [bleep.]
! [ up-tempo music plays .]
holy [bleep.]
! [ up-tempo music plays .]
aah! [ up-tempo music plays .]
aah! he's got a gun! Aah! he's got a gun! [ laughter .]
he's got a gun! [ laughter .]
oh! Oh! [ laughter .]
oh! Oh! and bam! oh! Oh! and bam! Boom! and bam! Boom! oh, who's that?! Boom! oh, who's that?! oh! Sal! oh, who's that?! oh! Sal! [ laughter .]
uhhh, boom! [ laughing evilly .]
great special effects, bud.
great special effects, bud.
[ laughter .]
[ laughing evilly .]
[ laughter .]
[ laughing evilly .]
[ shouting indistinctly .]
[ laughing evilly .]
[ shouting indistinctly .]
look, why don't you and your [ shouting indistinctly .]
look, why don't you and your goons get up out of here? look, why don't you and your goons get up out of here? in the back of an ambulance Goons get up out of here? in the back of an ambulance in 1995 in the back of an ambulance in 1995 [ laughing .]
In 1995 [ laughing .]
I watched my father pass [ laughing .]
I watched my father pass from this world to another.
I watched my father pass from this world to another.
My look was very similar to this From this world to another.
My look was very similar to this guy right here.
My look was very similar to this guy right here.
[ laughs .]
Guy right here.
[ laughs .]
victory or death?! [ laughs .]
victory or death?! [ loud rock 'n' roll plays .]
victory or death?! [ loud rock 'n' roll plays .]
[ laughter .]
[ loud rock 'n' roll plays .]
[ laughter .]
pow! [ laughter .]
pow! Oh! pow! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! [ screaming .]
I'd like to welcome the director, producer, writer.
Please welcome to the stage Please welcome to the stage james s.
Murray.
[ laughter .]
James s.
Murray.
[ laughter .]
get up there! [ laughter .]
get up there! [ laughter .]
get up there! [ laughter .]
it's not over yet! [ laughter .]
it's not over yet! [ laughter .]
it's not over yet! [ laughter .]
this was the first film.
[ laughter .]
this was the first film.
yes.
this was the first film.
yes.
possibly, the budget was very yes.
possibly, the budget was very tight.
possibly, the budget was very tight.
uh, the budget was about Tight.
uh, the budget was about $25,000, $30,000.
uh, the budget was about $25,000, $30,000.
[ laughter .]
$25,000, $30,000.
[ laughter .]
where did the money come [ laughter .]
where did the money come from? where did the money come from? when I graduated college, my From? when I graduated college, my dad said, "I'll buy you a when I graduated college, my dad said, "I'll buy you a ford taurus as a graduation Dad said, "I'll buy you a ford taurus as a graduation gift.
" Ford taurus as a graduation gift.
" and I said, "instead of the car, Gift.
" and I said, "instead of the car, can I use that money, uh, to And I said, "instead of the car, can I use that money, uh, to make a film?" Can I use that money, uh, to make a film?" I did it, and I used that money Make a film?" I did it, and I used that money to make the movie.
I did it, and I used that money to make the movie.
he must be very proud.
To make the movie.
he must be very proud.
[ inhales deeply .]
he must be very proud.
[ inhales deeply .]
you know [ inhales deeply .]
you know [ laughter and applause .]
You know [ laughter and applause .]
[ laughing .]
you could have [ laughter and applause .]
[ laughing .]
you could have had a car.
[ laughing .]
you could have had a car.
[ laughter .]
Had a car.
[ laughter .]
let's talk about your [ laughter .]
let's talk about your directing style.
let's talk about your directing style.
There are people who would say Directing style.
There are people who would say that no style is a style in and There are people who would say that no style is a style in and of itself.
That no style is a style in and of itself.
[ laughter and applause .]
Of itself.
[ laughter and applause .]
did you go to film school? [ laughter and applause .]
did you go to film school? no, I was an english Did you go to film school? no, I was an english literature major.
no, I was an english literature major.
so, you would think you would Literature major.
so, you would think you would know about story.
so, you would think you would know about story.
[ laughter and applause .]
Know about story.
[ laughter and applause .]
oh! [ laughter and applause .]
oh! one would think, yes.
oh! one would think, yes.
[ laughter .]
one would think, yes.
[ laughter .]
I've tried to take into [ laughter .]
I've tried to take into account that you were young, but I've tried to take into account that you were young, but orson welles was in his 20s when Account that you were young, but orson welles was in his 20s when he made "citizen kane.
" Orson welles was in his 20s when he made "citizen kane.
" what's your excuse? He made "citizen kane.
" what's your excuse? [ laughter .]
What's your excuse? [ laughter .]
is there any way we could [ laughter .]
is there any way we could have her hang out with us all is there any way we could have her hang out with us all the time so she can cut him down Have her hang out with us all the time so she can cut him down every day, all day long? The time so she can cut him down every day, all day long? [ laughter .]
Every day, all day long? [ laughter .]
um, what advice would you [ laughter .]
um, what advice would you give filmmakers starting out, um, what advice would you give filmmakers starting out, um, in order to help them to Give filmmakers starting out, um, in order to help them to avoid the pitfalls that you Um, in order to help them to avoid the pitfalls that you clearly fell into? Avoid the pitfalls that you clearly fell into? [ laughter .]
Clearly fell into? um, if I could go back in time um, if I could go back in time I would have taken the ford Time I would have taken the ford tauraus Tauraus thank you james s murray and good night.
Glory? [ laughter .]
why is sal having mommy issues? [ laughter .]
why is sal having mommy issues? "get your meaty paws off my Why is sal having mommy issues? "get your meaty paws off my dvr, mom.
" "get your meaty paws off my dvr, mom.
" [ laughter .]
Dvr, mom.
" [ laughter .]
narrator: And which losing [ laughter .]
narrator: And which losing joker is gonna bomb at the box narrator: And which losing joker is gonna bomb at the box office in tonight's punishment? Joker is gonna bomb at the box office in tonight's punishment? oh, my god! Office in tonight's punishment? oh, my god! [ tires screech .]
oh, my god! [ tires screech .]
prepare for something [ tires screech .]
prepare for something amazing.
prepare for something amazing.
hey, mustache, what's up? Amazing.
hey, mustache, what's up? [ laughter .]
hey, mustache, what's up? [ laughter .]
I want my mommy! [ laughter .]
I want my mommy! [ laughter .]
I want my mommy! [ laughter .]
I will never forgive you! [ laughter .]
I will never forgive you! larry! I will never forgive you! larry! [ laughter .]
larry! [ laughter .]
today we are going to break [ laughter .]
today we are going to break every bone in our bodies by today we are going to break every bone in our bodies by playing the balloon game on ice.
we'll be taking turns trying to attach a balloon on a To attach a balloon on a stranger without getting caught.
Stranger without getting caught.
it's gonna be me vs.
Sal it's gonna be me vs.
Sal 'cause we're great at skating.
'cause we're great at skating.
and it's gonna be me vs.
Q and it's gonna be me vs.
Q 'cause we're good at falling.
'cause we're good at falling.
[ laughter .]
hey, guys, they just zambonied the ice.
Zambonied the ice.
I know.
We saw.
I know.
We saw.
So you got that slippery ice.
it's, like, super slippery.
So you got that slippery ice.
it's, like, super slippery.
there they go.
it's, like, super slippery.
there they go.
all right.
there they go.
all right.
wow, murray is slick on those all right.
wow, murray is slick on those skates.
wow, murray is slick on those skates.
murray's trying to show off.
Skates.
murray's trying to show off.
Automatic win, sal, if you skate murray's trying to show off.
Automatic win, sal, if you skate as hard as you can and just Automatic win, sal, if you skate as hard as you can and just check murray.
As hard as you can and just check murray.
[ laughter .]
Check murray.
[ laughter .]
no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
[ laughter .]
no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's not -- you can't change no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's not -- you can't change the rules of the game.
That's not -- you can't change the rules of the game.
[ both laugh .]
all right, here we go.
two out of three.
there's sal.
two out of three.
there's sal.
Ohhh! there's sal.
Ohhh! here we go.
here we go.
[ ding! .]
he's on! [ ding! .]
he's on! oh, murray's right in! He's on! oh, murray's right in! murray's right behind him! oh, murray's right in! murray's right behind him! uh-oh! Uh-oh! murray's right behind him! uh-oh! Uh-oh! oh, good save, murr, good uh-oh! Uh-oh! oh, good save, murr, good save! oh, good save, murr, good save! He kept it on.
Save! He kept it on.
He still -- now it's off.
He kept it on.
He still -- now it's off.
All right, all right, murray's He still -- now it's off.
All right, all right, murray's in.
All right, all right, murray's in.
look at this.
In.
look at this.
Look at this! look at this.
Look at this! whoa! Excuse me.
Look at this! whoa! Excuse me.
no.
whoa! Excuse me.
no.
oh! no.
oh! [ laughs .]
oh! [ laughs .]
whoa! [ laughs .]
whoa! [ laughs .]
whoa! [ laughs .]
murray got caught! [ laughs .]
murray got caught! whoa! He swiped at me.
Murray got caught! whoa! He swiped at me.
He swiped at me and said, "no.
" whoa! He swiped at me.
He swiped at me and said, "no.
" [ both laugh .]
sal wins it! Sal wins! wow! murray got nailed.
wow! murray got nailed.
All right, boys.
murray got nailed.
All right, boys.
murr is back in.
All right, boys.
murr is back in.
He's going again.
murr is back in.
He's going again.
on your left.
on your left.
On your right, on your right.
he's got this guy.
On your right, on your right.
he's got this guy.
[ ding! .]
he's got this guy.
[ ding! .]
did he get him? [ ding! .]
did he get him? he got him.
did he get him? he got him.
he got him! he got him.
he got him! he got him! he got him! he got him! This is actually helping this he got him! This is actually helping this guy.
This is actually helping this guy.
it's helping his balance.
Guy.
it's helping his balance.
this is helping this guy stay it's helping his balance.
this is helping this guy stay up.
this is helping this guy stay up.
there's sal.
Up.
there's sal.
hey, man, what's up? there's sal.
hey, man, what's up? [ laughter .]
hey, man, what's up? [ laughter .]
oh! Uh-oh! [ laughter .]
oh! Uh-oh! Oh! He got the balloon.
oh! Uh-oh! Oh! He got the balloon.
[ laughs .]
Oh! He got the balloon.
[ laughs .]
now it's interesting.
[ laughs .]
now it's interesting.
[ laughs .]
now it's interesting.
[ laughs .]
sal's missing his golden [ laughs .]
sal's missing his golden opportunity.
Sal's missing his golden opportunity.
Aah! Opportunity.
Aah! aah! Aah! aah! aah! aah! aah! [ laughter .]
aah! [ laughter .]
[ laughter intensifies .]
[ laughter .]
[ laughter intensifies .]
they both have balloons, and [ laughter intensifies .]
they both have balloons, and they're just hanging out! They both have balloons, and they're just hanging out! Oh! Oh, my god! They're just hanging out! Oh! Oh, my god! he's got one.
Oh! Oh, my god! he's got one.
all right, sal, go ahead.
he's got one.
all right, sal, go ahead.
[ laughs .]
all right, sal, go ahead.
[ laughs .]
oh, boy, here we go.
[ laughs .]
oh, boy, here we go.
ohh! oh, boy, here we go.
ohh! Ohh! ohh! Ohh! [ ding! .]
Ohh! [ ding! .]
boy! [ ding! .]
boy! he thinks it's murr, he Boy! he thinks it's murr, he thinks it's murr.
Aah! oh, that's a clean sweep for sal.
oh, that's a clean sweep for sal.
[ laughs .]
Sal.
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
oh, wow.
[ laughs .]
oh, wow.
whoa.
oh, wow.
whoa.
all right.
whoa.
all right.
[ laughs .]
all right.
[ laughs .]
got that.
[ laughs .]
got that.
[ laughs .]
got that.
[ laughs .]
why are we doing this? why are we doing this? I'm gonna ask you guys a serious question, because I'm I'm gonna ask you guys a serious question, because I'm looking at you, and I feel it Serious question, because I'm looking at you, and I feel it inside.
Looking at you, and I feel it inside.
yeah.
Inside.
yeah.
are you tired already? yeah.
are you tired already? 'cause I would already be tired.
are you tired already? 'cause I would already be tired.
my calves are burning.
'cause I would already be tired.
my calves are burning.
[ laughs .]
my calves are burning.
[ laughs .]
[ laughing .]
they haven't [ laughs .]
[ laughing .]
they haven't done anything.
[ laughing .]
they haven't done anything.
[ laughs .]
Done anything.
[ laughs .]
you know when you're watching [ laughs .]
you know when you're watching cruise ships go by? You know when you're watching cruise ships go by? [ laughs .]
Cruise ships go by? [ laughs .]
it's like watching a cruise [ laughs .]
it's like watching a cruise ship.
It's like watching a cruise ship.
so slow.
Ship.
so slow.
I want off.
so slow.
I want off.
Can I just take a loss? I want off.
Can I just take a loss? you got to get someone, guys.
Can I just take a loss? you got to get someone, guys.
[ sighs .]
you got to get someone, guys.
[ sighs .]
all right, I'm gonna make it [ sighs .]
all right, I'm gonna make it happen.
All right, I'm gonna make it happen.
he's got the targets in Happen.
he's got the targets in sight.
he's got the targets in sight.
they're going too fast.
Sight.
they're going too fast.
[ chuckles .]
they're going too fast.
[ chuckles .]
they're speeding up.
[ chuckles .]
they're speeding up.
Come on, q.
they're speeding up.
Come on, q.
[ laughs .]
Come on, q.
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
work, q, work! [ laughs .]
work, q, work! [ laughs .]
work, q, work! [ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
it might be over.
[ laughs .]
it might be over.
[ laughing .]
it might be over.
[ laughing .]
they get -- they go -- they [ laughing .]
they get -- they go -- they move too fast.
they get -- they go -- they move too fast.
it's supposed to be two out Move too fast.
it's supposed to be two out of three.
it's supposed to be two out of three.
[ laughs .]
Of three.
[ laughs .]
how are they doing two out of [ laughs .]
how are they doing two out of three? how are they doing two out of three? [ laughs .]
Three? [ laughs .]
they can't do one out of one.
[ laughs .]
they can't do one out of one.
[ chuckles .]
They can't do one out of one.
[ chuckles .]
forget best two out of three, [ chuckles .]
forget best two out of three, okay? forget best two out of three, okay? Whoever gets it wins for you Okay? Whoever gets it wins for you guys? Whoever gets it wins for you guys? all right, all right.
Guys? all right, all right.
got this guy in the green all right, all right.
got this guy in the green coat in front of me.
got this guy in the green coat in front of me.
all right.
Coat in front of me.
all right.
joe's in pursuit.
all right.
joe's in pursuit.
Oh! The game's all done! joe's in pursuit.
Oh! The game's all done! oh, my god! He did it! Oh! The game's all done! oh, my god! He did it! I did not think it was gonna oh, my god! He did it! I did not think it was gonna happen today.
I did not think it was gonna happen today.
uh-oh.
Happen today.
uh-oh.
The little kid noticed.
uh-oh.
The little kid noticed.
it's okay.
The little kid noticed.
it's okay.
He didn't catch joe.
it's okay.
He didn't catch joe.
the game's still on.
He didn't catch joe.
the game's still on.
Q, it's your turn.
the game's still on.
Q, it's your turn.
He's gonna do it.
Oh! Q, it's your turn.
He's gonna do it.
Oh! [ ding! .]
He's gonna do it.
Oh! [ ding! .]
oh, my god, q! [ ding! .]
oh, my god, q! q got it! Oh, my god, q! q got it! yes! q got it! yes! Wow! yes! Wow! The guy noticed! Wow! The guy noticed! The guy noticed! The guy noticed! The guy noticed! now he knows something's up.
The guy noticed! now he knows something's up.
joe is in hot pursuit.
now he knows something's up.
joe is in hot pursuit.
I wouldn't call it hot.
joe is in hot pursuit.
I wouldn't call it hot.
It's like lukewarm pursuit.
I wouldn't call it hot.
It's like lukewarm pursuit.
[ laughs .]
It's like lukewarm pursuit.
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
oh, my god, here we go, here [ laughs .]
oh, my god, here we go, here we go, here we go! oh, my god, here we go, here we go, here we go! joe -- aah! We go, here we go! joe -- aah! oh.
joe -- aah! oh.
oh! oh.
oh! I overshot.
oh! I overshot.
I overshot.
I overshot.
I overshot.
[ laughs .]
I overshot.
[ laughs .]
come [ laughs .]
come Oh, my god! Oh, my god! come Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Ohh! Oh! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Ohh! Oh! Oh, my god! q, your turn.
[ laughs .]
oh, q's coming in hot.
[ laughs .]
oh, q's coming in hot.
[ ding! .]
[ ding! .]
oh, my god, q did it! he did it! oh, my god, q did it! he did it! wow! he did it! wow! double balloons! wow! double balloons! he got it? double balloons! he got it? this is a heated game.
he got it? this is a heated game.
aw, damn it.
this is a heated game.
aw, damn it.
[ laughs .]
aw, damn it.
[ laughs .]
whoo! [ laughs .]
whoo! back to joe.
whoo! back to joe.
I got to go again? back to joe.
I got to go again? Guys, there's no way I can do I got to go again? Guys, there's no way I can do another balloon right now.
Guys, there's no way I can do another balloon right now.
if you want to give up, Another balloon right now.
if you want to give up, buddy, you're free to give up.
if you want to give up, buddy, you're free to give up.
shut up.
Buddy, you're free to give up.
shut up.
Is there a medic? shut up.
Is there a medic? what's hurting the most -- Is there a medic? what's hurting the most -- feet, knees, back? what's hurting the most -- feet, knees, back? yes.
Feet, knees, back? yes.
[ laughing .]
yes.
[ laughing .]
oh, my god, this guy is like [ laughing .]
oh, my god, this guy is like lightning.
oh, my god, this guy is like lightning.
It's like trying to catch Lightning.
It's like trying to catch the flash.
It's like trying to catch the flash.
[ suspenseful music plays .]
The flash.
[ suspenseful music plays .]
[ ding! .]
[ suspenseful music plays .]
[ ding! .]
oh! [ laughing .]
[ ding! .]
oh! [ laughing .]
[ laughing .]
oh! [ laughing .]
[ laughing .]
amazing! [ laughing .]
amazing! I'll just hang out over amazing! I'll just hang out over here, q.
I'll just hang out over here, q.
You're up, bitch.
Here, q.
You're up, bitch.
where is he, where is he? You're up, bitch.
where is he, where is he? Oh, he left the rink! where is he, where is he? Oh, he left the rink! He left the rink! Oh, he left the rink! He left the rink! no! No! He left the rink! no! No! [ laughter .]
no! No! [ laughter .]
he left the rink! [ laughter .]
he left the rink! It's over! he left the rink! It's over! Joe wins! It's over! Joe wins! we have a winner! Joe wins! we have a winner! good job, buddy.
we have a winner! good job, buddy.
[ laughs .]
good job, buddy.
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughter .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughter .]
narrator: Murr and q got [ laughter .]
narrator: Murr and q got iced, so they're chillin' on the narrator: Murr and q got iced, so they're chillin' on the loser board.
Iced, so they're chillin' on the loser board.
today we're on the streets, Loser board.
today we're on the streets, collecting signatures for a very today we're on the streets, collecting signatures for a very important cause.
Collecting signatures for a very important cause.
there's just one catch.
Important cause.
there's just one catch.
We don't know what it is.
there's just one catch.
We don't know what it is.
we'll be stopping strangers We don't know what it is.
we'll be stopping strangers and asking them to sign we'll be stopping strangers and asking them to sign petitions that have been created And asking them to sign petitions that have been created by the other guys.
[ speaking indistinctly .]
sal, take your hood down.
sal, take your hood down.
fine.
fine.
q, take your hood down, too, q, take your hood down, too, buddy.
Buddy.
sal? Sal! sal? Sal! Oh, my god, sal! Oh, my god, sal! here we go.
here we go.
Wonderful cause.
Wonderful cause.
One second, one signature.
One second, one signature.
Help me out.
It's a petition for the mayor.
I'm bringing this before the I'm bringing this before the city council.
City council.
[ laughter .]
[ laughter .]
"get your meaty paws off my dvr, "get your meaty paws off my dvr, mom.
" Mom.
" [ laughter .]
[ laughter .]
I live at home, still.
I live at home, still.
My mom's always erasing my programs.
My mom's always erasing my programs.
I want to watch "burn notice.
" Programs.
I want to watch "burn notice.
" [ laughing .]
"I want to watch I want to watch "burn notice.
" [ laughing .]
"I want to watch 'burn notice.
'" no, she pays for the cable.
No, wait, wait! Aah! [ laughter .]
No, wait, wait! Aah! [ laughter .]
no "burn notice" for you.
[ laughter .]
no "burn notice" for you.
no "burn notice" for you, no "burn notice" for you.
no "burn notice" for you, buddy.
no "burn notice" for you, buddy.
It's gonna be all Buddy.
It's gonna be all "grey's anatomy" all the time.
It's gonna be all "grey's anatomy" all the time.
my man, wonderful cause here.
"grey's anatomy" all the time.
my man, wonderful cause here.
One signature.
Takes one second.
my man, wonderful cause here.
One signature.
Takes one second.
I'm bringing it before the One signature.
Takes one second.
I'm bringing it before the mayor.
I want to evict a wonderful family I have as tenants.
[ laughter .]
Family I have as tenants.
[ laughter .]
they have a couple of kids, a They have a couple of kids, a dog, they always pay on time, they've been with me for 10 Dog, they always pay on time, they've been with me for 10 years.
They've been with me for 10 years.
wait.
Years.
wait.
So, why do you want them out? wait.
So, why do you want them out? they're wonderful people, but So, why do you want them out? they're wonderful people, but they won't leave, and I need they're wonderful people, but they won't leave, and I need them out.
They won't leave, and I need them out.
[ laughter .]
Them out.
[ laughter .]
oh, you're wonderful.
[ laughter .]
oh, you're wonderful.
Thank you very much.
Oh, you're wonderful.
Thank you very much.
he's signing, he's signing.
Thank you very much.
he's signing, he's signing.
I'm just gonna evict this he's signing, he's signing.
I'm just gonna evict this wonderful family, put them out I'm just gonna evict this wonderful family, put them out on the streets, that's all.
he speaks english, sal speaks english.
Does not understand the words?! English.
Does not understand the words?! [ laughs .]
Does not understand the words?! [ laughs .]
help a great cause? [ laughs .]
help a great cause? One signature, one second.
help a great cause? One signature, one second.
I'm with the city council.
"I'm no longer ascared of the dark.
" [ laughter .]
Dark.
" [ laughter .]
for years, I grew up [ laughter .]
for years, I grew up okay.
okay.
And I've had a fear -- a debilitating fear of the dark.
And I've had a fear -- a debilitating fear of the dark.
[ light laughter .]
Debilitating fear of the dark.
[ light laughter .]
so I'm out here getting [ light laughter .]
so I'm out here getting signatures so I can start an So I'm out here getting signatures so I can start an organization to make people who Signatures so I can start an organization to make people who are scared of the dark -- Organization to make people who are scared of the dark -- they're no longer ascared.
Yes, sir.
Thank you so much.
[ laughing .]
"ascared.
" he's signing it.
[ laughing .]
"ascared.
" he's signing it.
'cause he thinks he's an he's signing it.
'cause he thinks he's an imbecile.
'cause he thinks he's an imbecile.
yeah.
Imbecile.
yeah.
he thinks he's soft upstairs, yeah.
he thinks he's soft upstairs, so he's he thinks he's soft upstairs, so he's [ laughs .]
So he's [ laughs .]
I'll tell you what I'm not [ laughs .]
I'll tell you what I'm not ascared of -- losing this I'll tell you what I'm not ascared of -- losing this challenge.
Ascared of -- losing this challenge.
what's up with the knee drop Challenge.
what's up with the knee drop at the end there? what's up with the knee drop at the end there? Like, what was that? At the end there? Like, what was that? [ laughs .]
Like, what was that? [ laughs .]
[ ding! .]
hey, guys, I'm out here with this.
This.
I'm doing the, uh -- I'm doing the, uh -- [ laughter .]
[ laughter .]
you guys don't understand the You guys don't understand the power of the lanyard.
It makes people stop dead in Power of the lanyard.
It makes people stop dead in their tracks.
It makes people stop dead in their tracks.
it's nothing.
Their tracks.
it's nothing.
You bought it from a corner.
it's nothing.
You bought it from a corner.
I'm out here with the You bought it from a corner.
I'm out here with the city council.
I'm out here with the city council.
I'm just talking to people about City council.
I'm just talking to people about trying to -- you're good? I'm just talking to people about trying to -- you're good? All right.
I'm out here with the official lanyard.
All right, man.
Lanyard.
All right, man.
[ laughter .]
All right, man.
[ laughter .]
I'm out here -- [ laughter .]
I'm out here -- I'm out here with the official I'm out here with the official lanyard, though.
I have the lanyard.
Lanyard, though.
I have the lanyard.
[ laughter .]
I have the lanyard.
[ laughter .]
hey, my man, you got a sec? [ laughter .]
hey, my man, you got a sec? I'm out here with this today.
Hey, my man, you got a sec? I'm out here with this today.
Uh, I'm doing the cultural I'm out here with this today.
Uh, I'm doing the cultural city council of new york.
Uh, I'm doing the cultural city council of new york.
I'm just working on getting some City council of new york.
I'm just working on getting some signatures out here.
Uh, I'm trying to un-- I'm trying to unsegregate schools.
[ laughs .]
Trying to unsegregate schools.
[ laughs .]
first of all, it's first of all, it's de-segregate.
so, basically, I want to get De-segregate.
so, basically, I want to get all the kids together.
Because the kids could learn from each other.
If you keep them segregated, From each other.
If you keep them segregated, these kids aren't gonna learn -- If you keep them segregated, these kids aren't gonna learn -- the black kids aren't gonna These kids aren't gonna learn -- the black kids aren't gonna learn from the white kids, the The black kids aren't gonna learn from the white kids, the chinese kids aren't gonna learn Learn from the white kids, the chinese kids aren't gonna learn from the japanese kids, the Chinese kids aren't gonna learn from the japanese kids, the costa ricans aren't gonna know From the japanese kids, the costa ricans aren't gonna know what the panamanians are talking Costa ricans aren't gonna know what the panamanians are talking about.
What the panamanians are talking about.
[ laughter .]
About.
[ laughter .]
so, what do you think about the [ laughter .]
so, what do you think about the unsegregated schools? So, what do you think about the unsegregated schools? Do you think you could get in on Unsegregated schools? Do you think you could get in on that action? [ laughter .]
good to meet you, man.
Thank you, buddy.
Good to meet you, man.
Thank you, buddy.
by the way, there's no Thank you, buddy.
by the way, there's no segregation.
by the way, there's no segregation.
oh.
This just in, pal.
Segregation.
oh.
This just in, pal.
There's no segregation.
oh.
This just in, pal.
There's no segregation.
[ laughter .]
There's no segregation.
[ laughter .]
hey, bub, I'm out here with my [ laughter .]
hey, bub, I'm out here with my official lanyard.
Hey, bub, I'm out here with my official lanyard.
I'm trying to get signatures for Official lanyard.
I'm trying to get signatures for the, uh -- I got a petition here I'm trying to get signatures for the, uh -- I got a petition here if you got two seconds.
It's to promote colonel mustard to general.
To general.
[ laughter .]
[ laughter .]
he's been doing a lot, He's been doing a lot, especially in the conservatory, Especially in the conservatory, he did some great work in the He did some great work in the library, he found the lead pipe.
Library, he found the lead pipe.
I think he really -- he should I think he really -- he should get a shot to become general.
Right? Get a shot to become general.
Right? 'cause why colonel mustard Right? 'cause why colonel mustard anymore? 'cause why colonel mustard anymore? Miss scarlet has been allying Anymore? Miss scarlet has been allying for a while.
Miss scarlet has been allying for a while.
You know, miss peacock -- she's For a while.
You know, miss peacock -- she's a two-faced bitch, but I really You know, miss peacock -- she's a two-faced bitch, but I really think colonel mustard has got A two-faced bitch, but I really think colonel mustard has got the mustardTo make it to the Think colonel mustard has got the mustardTo make it to the general.
The mustardTo make it to the general.
Thanks.
General.
Thanks.
You clearly don't have a clue Thanks.
You clearly don't have a clue about this, do you? You clearly don't have a clue about this, do you? [ laughter .]
About this, do you? [ laughter .]
doesn't matter.
[ laughter .]
doesn't matter.
Gatto, in the square with the Doesn't matter.
Gatto, in the square with the pen.
[ ding! .]
all right! all right! I'm pretty sure that that's a I'm pretty sure that that's a trademarked look that murray's Trademarked look that murray's attempting to cop right now.
Attempting to cop right now.
I wear hats like this all the I wear hats like this all the time.
you look like a child.
Time.
you look like a child.
you don't own this look! you look like a child.
you don't own this look! on this show, I own this you don't own this look! on this show, I own this look.
on this show, I own this look.
that actually completely fits Look.
that actually completely fits your head and looks nice.
that actually completely fits your head and looks nice.
does it? Thank you! Your head and looks nice.
does it? Thank you! you look like a very nice, does it? Thank you! you look like a very nice, handsome fellow.
you look like a very nice, handsome fellow.
you realize, in 23 years, Handsome fellow.
you realize, in 23 years, that's the first compliment sal you realize, in 23 years, that's the first compliment sal has given me? That's the first compliment sal has given me? if I were you, I would Has given me? if I were you, I would investigate that.
if I were you, I would investigate that.
[ laughter .]
Investigate that.
[ laughter .]
that's a great hat.
[ laughter .]
that's a great hat.
he's got a hat just like you that's a great hat.
he's got a hat just like you guys.
we're getting some petitions to present to the mayor.
To present to the mayor.
[ chuckles .]
[ chuckles .]
"genitalia on gummi bears.
" "genitalia on gummi bears.
" [ laughing .]
male and female.
That's right.
Now you're talk-- hold on.
That's right.
Now you're talk-- hold on.
Let me put that in.
Now you're talk-- hold on.
Let me put that in.
Trying to get some gummi balls Let me put that in.
Trying to get some gummi balls excuse me, sir.
Trying to get some gummi balls excuse me, sir.
Could I get a moment of your excuse me, sir.
Could I get a moment of your time? Could I get a moment of your time? We're collecting signatures for Time? We're collecting signatures for a petition to give to the mayor.
Uh, it is -- it is called, um [ chuckles .]
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
ready for this? "the 'white' house is racist, just rename it the house.
" Just rename it the house.
" it's racist.
Yeah, well, why does it got to be white, right? What's that about? Be white, right? What's that about? [bleep.]
[bleep.]
[bleep.]
.
What's that about? [bleep.]
[bleep.]
[bleep.]
.
[bleep.]
! [bleep.]
[bleep.]
[bleep.]
.
[bleep.]
! We can change it -- me and you, [bleep.]
! We can change it -- me and you, starting right here! We can change it -- me and you, starting right here! are you sure? Starting right here! are you sure? yeah, I think so! are you sure? yeah, I think so! [ laughing .]
"are you sure?" yeah, I think so! [ laughing .]
"are you sure?" do you want to sign? [ laughing .]
"are you sure?" do you want to sign? ah! do you want to sign? ah! that's right.
ah! that's right.
all right.
that's right.
all right.
decades and decades of the all right.
decades and decades of the white house.
decades and decades of the white house.
Now we got a black president, White house.
Now we got a black president, and it's still the white house.
Now we got a black president, and it's still the white house.
I love these spikes, bro.
Yeah, you look like a cooper trooper.
It's sweet.
Cooper trooper.
It's sweet.
[ laughs .]
[ ding! .]
sir, you're the last sir, you're the last signature I need.
Signature I need.
I'm not selling anything.
I'm not selling anything.
I'm trying to get signatures to I'm trying to get signatures to [chuckles.]
to steal people's signatures, yes.
[chuckles.]
to steal people's signatures, yes.
Do you mind -- Do you mind -- no.
no? You don't want to sign? no.
no? You don't want to sign? Of course you don't.
no? You don't want to sign? Of course you don't.
That's a terrible thing to sign.
Of course you don't.
That's a terrible thing to sign.
Don't ever sign that.
That's a terrible thing to sign.
Don't ever sign that.
[ chuckling .]
who would sign Don't ever sign that.
[ chuckling .]
who would sign that? [ chuckling .]
who would sign that? that was an easy one, bud.
That? that was an easy one, bud.
I'm trying to steal people's that was an easy one, bud.
I'm trying to steal people's signatures? I'm trying to steal people's signatures? [ laughter .]
Signatures? [ laughter .]
sir, I have a meeting in a [ laughter .]
sir, I have a meeting in a half-hour with the mayor, and I Sir, I have a meeting in a half-hour with the mayor, and I need two more signatures.
I'm trying to bring back the draft, but only for jerks.
Draft, but only for jerks.
[ laughs .]
[ laughs .]
who's a jerk? who's a jerk? jerks.
Like, real jerks.
jerks.
Like, real jerks.
Like -- like, the draft -- Like -- like, the draft -- no one wants to bring the draft back, but if you're a jerk, No one wants to bring the draft back, but if you're a jerk, we'll draft you.
You're on the subway, and there's a lady standing up, and she's questionably pregnant, and There's a lady standing up, and she's questionably pregnant, and there's a guy sitting right in She's questionably pregnant, and there's a guy sitting right in front of her.
There's a guy sitting right in front of her.
That guy is a jerk.
Front of her.
That guy is a jerk.
maybe he's ill.
That guy is a jerk.
maybe he's ill.
Some people got gout.
maybe he's ill.
Some people got gout.
[ laughter .]
Some people got gout.
[ laughter .]
if we put a gout clause in [ laughter .]
if we put a gout clause in the petition, how about that? if we put a gout clause in the petition, how about that? Fair enough? The petition, how about that? Fair enough? well, no, because there's Fair enough? well, no, because there's more than just gout.
well, no, because there's more than just gout.
There's a lot of things.
More than just gout.
There's a lot of things.
there's more than just gout? There's a lot of things.
there's more than just gout? this guy is rationalizing why there's more than just gout? this guy is rationalizing why jerks are not good for the this guy is rationalizing why jerks are not good for the draft.
Jerks are not good for the draft.
I mean, what are we gonna do, Draft.
I mean, what are we gonna do, go around and ask each and every I mean, what are we gonna do, go around and ask each and every guy we see? Go around and ask each and every guy we see? Guys that's not a jerk that's at Guy we see? Guys that's not a jerk that's at war? Guys that's not a jerk that's at war? I think everybody that go to war War? I think everybody that go to war is a jerk.
I think everybody that go to war is a jerk.
yeah, sure.
Is a jerk.
yeah, sure.
I mean, that's my own yeah, sure.
I mean, that's my own philosophy.
I mean, that's my own philosophy.
You can't straighten no one else Philosophy.
You can't straighten no one else out.
You can't straighten no one else out.
You don't want to send your Out.
You don't want to send your family over there.
You don't want to send your family over there.
yeah.
Family over there.
yeah.
no one's gonna send their yeah.
no one's gonna send their family over there.
no one's gonna send their family over there.
I might be a jerk, as well.
Family over there.
I might be a jerk, as well.
I think they're all jerks.
I might be a jerk, as well.
I think they're all jerks.
He might consider you a jerk.
I think they're all jerks.
He might consider you a jerk.
And I just got a ticket for He might consider you a jerk.
And I just got a ticket for going between the subway cars.
And I just got a ticket for going between the subway cars.
He's the guy that's working for Going between the subway cars.
He's the guy that's working for the government.
He's the guy that's working for the government.
so, maybe we should draft all The government.
so, maybe we should draft all the government and send those so, maybe we should draft all the government and send those jerks overseas.
The government and send those jerks overseas.
that's who should go.
Jerks overseas.
that's who should go.
all right! that's who should go.
all right! So, let's sign this [bleep.]
.
all right! So, let's sign this [bleep.]
.
saying what? So, let's sign this [bleep.]
.
saying what? [ laughs .]
saying what? [ laughs .]
he -- he lost himself.
[ laughs .]
he -- he lost himself.
He goes, "let's sign this He -- he lost himself.
He goes, "let's sign this [bleep.]
" He goes, "let's sign this [bleep.]
" "saying what?" [bleep.]
" "saying what?" he lost himself in that whole "saying what?" he lost himself in that whole conversation.
He lost himself in that whole conversation.
He doesn't even know what he's Conversation.
He doesn't even know what he's talking about anymore.
He doesn't even know what he's talking about anymore.
pleasure to meet you.
Talking about anymore.
pleasure to meet you.
Thank you, man.
pleasure to meet you.
Thank you, man.
aw! Thank you, man.
aw! couldn't get it, couldn't get aw! couldn't get it, couldn't get it.
couldn't get it, couldn't get it.
[ buzzer .]
It.
[ buzzer .]
narrator: It's a lost cause [ buzzer .]
narrator: It's a lost cause for murr, making him tonight's narrator: It's a lost cause for murr, making him tonight's big loser.
For murr, making him tonight's big loser.
and here we are, with our Big loser.
and here we are, with our loser, murr! and here we are, with our loser, murr! there he is.
Loser, murr! there he is.
yeah, here we go.
there he is.
yeah, here we go.
Well, all you got to do, bud -- yeah, here we go.
Well, all you got to do, bud -- it's pretty simple.
Well, all you got to do, bud -- it's pretty simple.
yeah.
It's pretty simple.
yeah.
let's get out of here.
yeah.
let's get out of here.
[ laughs .]
just go.
let's get out of here.
[ laughs .]
just go.
just leave? [ laughs .]
just go.
just leave? we're not telling you what just leave? we're not telling you what it is.
we're not telling you what it is.
You're not gonna know until it It is.
You're not gonna know until it happens.
You're not gonna know until it happens.
I just -- Happens.
I just -- that's it.
I just -- that's it.
go out the door.
that's it.
go out the door.
just sit down, buddy.
go out the door.
just sit down, buddy.
Just sit down.
just sit down, buddy.
Just sit down.
yeah, enjoy.
Just sit down.
yeah, enjoy.
just go.
yeah, enjoy.
just go.
I can sit.
just go.
I can sit.
okay.
I can sit.
okay.
doesn't get easier than that.
okay.
doesn't get easier than that.
sounds like a pretty easy doesn't get easier than that.
sounds like a pretty easy punishment.
sounds like a pretty easy punishment.
bye! Punishment.
bye! bye! bye! bye! bye-bye.
bye! bye-bye.
we're screening murray's film bye-bye.
we're screening murray's film "damned!" that he made in, what, we're screening murray's film "damned!" that he made in, what, '98? "damned!" that he made in, what, '98? '98 -- 1998.
'98? '98 -- 1998.
he self-produced it, he '98 -- 1998.
he self-produced it, he directed it, he wrote it, he did he self-produced it, he directed it, he wrote it, he did everything with it.
Directed it, he wrote it, he did everything with it.
it's terrible.
Everything with it.
it's terrible.
It is terrible.
it's terrible.
It is terrible.
he's been trying to bury it It is terrible.
he's been trying to bury it for 20 years.
he's been trying to bury it for 20 years.
he successfully buried it For 20 years.
he successfully buried it until right now.
he successfully buried it until right now.
guess who's got some shovels? Until right now.
guess who's got some shovels? [ laughter .]
guess who's got some shovels? [ laughter .]
it's totally in the sun.
[ laughter .]
it's totally in the sun.
[ laughter .]
it's totally in the sun.
[ laughter .]
[ loud rock 'n' roll plays .]
[ laughter .]
[ loud rock 'n' roll plays .]
yea-ea-h! [ loud rock 'n' roll plays .]
yea-ea-h! [ laughter .]
yea-ea-h! [ laughter .]
[ explosion .]
[ laughter .]
[ explosion .]
enjoy the next 50 minutes of [ explosion .]
enjoy the next 50 minutes of your life.
enjoy the next 50 minutes of your life.
[ laughter .]
Your life.
[ laughter .]
[ music fades .]
[ laughter .]
[ music fades .]
son? [ music fades .]
son? god? son? god? call me dad.
god? call me dad.
I'm not calling you dad! call me dad.
I'm not calling you dad! are we gonna start this I'm not calling you dad! are we gonna start this again?! are we gonna start this again?! I don't know, god, are we?! Again?! I don't know, god, are we?! [ laughter .]
I don't know, god, are we?! [ laughter .]
so, murray's movie is about [ laughter .]
so, murray's movie is about teen jesus set in modern times.
so, murray's movie is about teen jesus set in modern times.
[ laughter .]
Teen jesus set in modern times.
[ laughter .]
larry, who betrayed jesus? [ laughter .]
larry, who betrayed jesus? it was him! larry, who betrayed jesus? it was him! there's murray, there's it was him! there's murray, there's murray! there's murray, there's murray! there he is.
Murray! there he is.
[ laughter .]
there he is.
[ laughter .]
it's like alfred hitchcock [ laughter .]
it's like alfred hitchcock showing up in his own movie.
It's like alfred hitchcock showing up in his own movie.
holy [bleep.]
! Showing up in his own movie.
holy [bleep.]
! [ up-tempo music plays .]
holy [bleep.]
! [ up-tempo music plays .]
aah! [ up-tempo music plays .]
aah! he's got a gun! Aah! he's got a gun! [ laughter .]
he's got a gun! [ laughter .]
oh! Oh! [ laughter .]
oh! Oh! and bam! oh! Oh! and bam! Boom! and bam! Boom! oh, who's that?! Boom! oh, who's that?! oh! Sal! oh, who's that?! oh! Sal! [ laughter .]
uhhh, boom! [ laughing evilly .]
great special effects, bud.
great special effects, bud.
[ laughter .]
[ laughing evilly .]
[ laughter .]
[ laughing evilly .]
[ shouting indistinctly .]
[ laughing evilly .]
[ shouting indistinctly .]
look, why don't you and your [ shouting indistinctly .]
look, why don't you and your goons get up out of here? look, why don't you and your goons get up out of here? in the back of an ambulance Goons get up out of here? in the back of an ambulance in 1995 in the back of an ambulance in 1995 [ laughing .]
In 1995 [ laughing .]
I watched my father pass [ laughing .]
I watched my father pass from this world to another.
I watched my father pass from this world to another.
My look was very similar to this From this world to another.
My look was very similar to this guy right here.
My look was very similar to this guy right here.
[ laughs .]
Guy right here.
[ laughs .]
victory or death?! [ laughs .]
victory or death?! [ loud rock 'n' roll plays .]
victory or death?! [ loud rock 'n' roll plays .]
[ laughter .]
[ loud rock 'n' roll plays .]
[ laughter .]
pow! [ laughter .]
pow! Oh! pow! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! [ screaming .]
I'd like to welcome the director, producer, writer.
Please welcome to the stage Please welcome to the stage james s.
Murray.
[ laughter .]
James s.
Murray.
[ laughter .]
get up there! [ laughter .]
get up there! [ laughter .]
get up there! [ laughter .]
it's not over yet! [ laughter .]
it's not over yet! [ laughter .]
it's not over yet! [ laughter .]
this was the first film.
[ laughter .]
this was the first film.
yes.
this was the first film.
yes.
possibly, the budget was very yes.
possibly, the budget was very tight.
possibly, the budget was very tight.
uh, the budget was about Tight.
uh, the budget was about $25,000, $30,000.
uh, the budget was about $25,000, $30,000.
[ laughter .]
$25,000, $30,000.
[ laughter .]
where did the money come [ laughter .]
where did the money come from? where did the money come from? when I graduated college, my From? when I graduated college, my dad said, "I'll buy you a when I graduated college, my dad said, "I'll buy you a ford taurus as a graduation Dad said, "I'll buy you a ford taurus as a graduation gift.
" Ford taurus as a graduation gift.
" and I said, "instead of the car, Gift.
" and I said, "instead of the car, can I use that money, uh, to And I said, "instead of the car, can I use that money, uh, to make a film?" Can I use that money, uh, to make a film?" I did it, and I used that money Make a film?" I did it, and I used that money to make the movie.
I did it, and I used that money to make the movie.
he must be very proud.
To make the movie.
he must be very proud.
[ inhales deeply .]
he must be very proud.
[ inhales deeply .]
you know [ inhales deeply .]
you know [ laughter and applause .]
You know [ laughter and applause .]
[ laughing .]
you could have [ laughter and applause .]
[ laughing .]
you could have had a car.
[ laughing .]
you could have had a car.
[ laughter .]
Had a car.
[ laughter .]
let's talk about your [ laughter .]
let's talk about your directing style.
let's talk about your directing style.
There are people who would say Directing style.
There are people who would say that no style is a style in and There are people who would say that no style is a style in and of itself.
That no style is a style in and of itself.
[ laughter and applause .]
Of itself.
[ laughter and applause .]
did you go to film school? [ laughter and applause .]
did you go to film school? no, I was an english Did you go to film school? no, I was an english literature major.
no, I was an english literature major.
so, you would think you would Literature major.
so, you would think you would know about story.
so, you would think you would know about story.
[ laughter and applause .]
Know about story.
[ laughter and applause .]
oh! [ laughter and applause .]
oh! one would think, yes.
oh! one would think, yes.
[ laughter .]
one would think, yes.
[ laughter .]
I've tried to take into [ laughter .]
I've tried to take into account that you were young, but I've tried to take into account that you were young, but orson welles was in his 20s when Account that you were young, but orson welles was in his 20s when he made "citizen kane.
" Orson welles was in his 20s when he made "citizen kane.
" what's your excuse? He made "citizen kane.
" what's your excuse? [ laughter .]
What's your excuse? [ laughter .]
is there any way we could [ laughter .]
is there any way we could have her hang out with us all is there any way we could have her hang out with us all the time so she can cut him down Have her hang out with us all the time so she can cut him down every day, all day long? The time so she can cut him down every day, all day long? [ laughter .]
Every day, all day long? [ laughter .]
um, what advice would you [ laughter .]
um, what advice would you give filmmakers starting out, um, what advice would you give filmmakers starting out, um, in order to help them to Give filmmakers starting out, um, in order to help them to avoid the pitfalls that you Um, in order to help them to avoid the pitfalls that you clearly fell into? Avoid the pitfalls that you clearly fell into? [ laughter .]
Clearly fell into? um, if I could go back in time um, if I could go back in time I would have taken the ford Time I would have taken the ford tauraus Tauraus thank you james s murray and good night.