In Living Color (1990) s01e05 Episode Script

You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon It's never too lateand it's never too soon Take it from meIt's a'ight to be In living color How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color Everybody here is equally kind In living color What's mine is yoursand what's yours is mine In living color How would you feel knowingeverybody was your friend From thin to thickand through thick and thin And egotistical tripswas put to an end You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon It's never too lateand it's never too soon Take it from meIt's a'ight to be In living color How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color Ladies and gentlemen, Keenen Ivory Wayans.
[Audience Applauding,Cheering.]
Yo! Thank you.
Welcome to In Living Color.
I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans.
- [Audience Cheering, Applauding.]
- Yeah! We got a great show for you tonight.
As usual, I like to start the show by introducing my Fly Girls.
Starting over here with Michelle,Cari, Carrie Ann, Lisa and Deidre.
- [Audience Cheering.]
- [Keenen.]
Yeah.
! Give it up.
! And to my D.
J.
, S.
W.
On.
.
.
Whoo, whoo, whoo.
- Who are you, man? - Barry.
Yo, Shawn said it was cool.
Shawn! Yo, Keen, he's stupid! Wait.
Stop, stop, stop.
What's up with D.
J.
Extra Large here? He's stupid, man.
He gave us Laker tickets if he could D.
J.
For the show.
So we goin' to the Laker game tonight.
[Laughing.]
We'll be back in a minute.
Let me talk to you.
You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color This summer,Touchtone Pictures.
.
.
is proud to present the sequelall America has been waiting for.
.
.
Yeah, hello.
Is this Buster Douglas? Yeah, well, don't worry about who it is.
Yeah.
It's a "unanimous" caller.
I'm just a fan who's a little concerned about your career right now.
I saw the fight you had with Mike Tyson.
You beat him pretty bad.
You know, I think you should fight him again.
Yeah, like tomorrow.
What? All right, so it's me.
Yeah, so what? How'd you know? I disguised my voice.
Look, come on, Buster.
You gonna fight me or what? Aw, please? Come on, it's not goin' too good with the broads, man.
Well, just loan me the belt for the weekend.
Okay, fine.
I'm givin' Robin's mother your number.
Oh, quiet.
I could still whip the both of ya.
'Cause I'm the greatest of all times! Float like a butterfly.
.
.
sting like a tree.
.
.
no.
Bee.
No, that ain't it.
Float like a, uh.
.
.
Uh, Muhammad, I believe it's, "Float like a butterfly.
.
.
sting like a bee.
" Oh, yeah.
Yeah, thanks, Sugar.
That's right.
Float like a Butterfinger, stink like a bean.
Yeah.
- [Doorbell Rings.]
- Oh! Round eight.
Rope-a-dope.
Pretty funny, Ali.
- [Doorbell Rings.]
- [Tyson.]
I'll get the door.
Round over.
Oh, wow.
It's a baby! Who ordered the baby? Did it come with pepperoni? - Hey.
- [Baby Cooing.]
Wait a minute.
Whose baby is this? Well, he's about your size, Sugar.
- Yeah, but it talks like you.
.
.
- [Squawking, Cooing.]
And it makes faces like Ali.
There's a note.
Let's read it.
Let's see what this note says.
I don't know.
You? I can't read it.
Uh, " Dear Champ, remember your New Year's Eve party? Well, here's your baby.
" Well, as you can see, it said "Champ.
" That could be any one of us.
We were all at that party, you know.
Well, i-it's signed "Judy.
" - [All.]
Ohh! Judy! - Yeah.
Well, maybe we should take turns with the baby too.
[Baby Crying.]
U-Uh, I think he's hungry! - What we gonna do with the baby? - Give him a bottle.
Somethin' for the baby.
All right, little baby, swish it around in your mouth and spit it out.
Or else you'll get cramps.
Yeah, all right, Champ, come on.
Swish it around.
Swish.
Now spit! There you go.
There you go.
- [Crying Continues.]
- He's still cryin'.
Uh, maybe we should change his diaper or somethin'.
Let's try that.
Oh, wow! Looks like the little fella had a pretty bad accident.
No, Michael, it's a girl.
Ohh! - That's it.
- I'll handle this.
Come on, little girl.
It's the Sugar.
Look close now.
In all your life, you'll never lay eyes on a more beautiful man.
[Crying Continues.]
That was pretty funny.
Oh, wait.
We gotta finish this.
Um, get some powder.
I hear babies can get rashes.
D-Did you say somethin' about roaches? I don't want this baby livin' with roaches.
Hi.
It's me, Muhammad Ali.
Z-Con Roach Spray, the most powerful spray in the world.
- I said "rashes," not "roaches," Ali.
- Oh.
Come on, guys, do somethin'.
She's cryin'.
What should we do? Do that impression you do ofTommy Hearns.
Okay, baby, this is an impression ofTommy Hearns.
.
.
in the last round of our first fight.
She liked that! She liked it! Looks like she liked it.
All right, let's sing her to sleep.
Ready? Hit it, guys.
[Ali, Sugar Vocalizing.]
[Singing.]
[Announcer.]
Three Champs and a Baby.
This time the unanimous decision.
.
.
is comedy.
! - [Drums.]
- [Elephant Trumpets.]
[All Murmuring.]
Greetings.
I'm Margaret Linsford-Hall, and this is my interpreter Mr.
Mbutu.
[Interpreting In Naganawanese.]
.
.
.
Margaret Linsford-Hall.
.
.
bung-tanga-ndosilleh.
! President Bush has seen fit to appoint me ambassador.
.
.
to your little nation.
.
.
rather than sending me to Majorca, as I had expected.
[Translating.]
I didn't know what to expect, based on the briefing I received in Washington.
.
.
but I find your little country really rather quaint.
.
.
in a Third World sort of way.
[Chattering, Laughing.]
Uh, we have much to offer your country.
.
.
in terms of agricultural assistance and hunger relief.
[Murmuring, Groaning.]
L-I'm very sorry that I don't speak your language.
.
.
but Mr.
Mbutu has been so kind as to teach me a phrase to close with.
Um.
.
.
[Speaking Naganawanese.]
Jum bakoo, bare booty.
.
.
cum bwee-bwee.
.
.
[Clicks Tongue.]
Uh, bango-bango.
[Shouting, Cheering.]
[French Accent.]
May I get you something to drink while you wait? Yeah.
I'd like to unwind.
Could you get me a Chablis? Blind date, monsieur? [Snickering.]
Yeah.
How'd you know? When you are French.
.
.
you can just tell.
You know, it's getting hard to climb the corporate ladder being single.
I think that finding the proper wife.
.
.
is important to one's professional image in the business world.
Oui.
Oui.
The dating service I'm with says this girl is one hell of a catch.
Independent, strong, exciting, well-traveled.
I'm really looking forward to meeting her.
[Tarzan Yell.]
You must be Harvey.
I'm GraceJones.
Hi.
Harvey Bennett.
- Do you think I'm sexy? - Um.
.
.
I said, do you find me sexy? [Growls.]
Yes! Extremely! I thought so.
May I get you something, monsieur? I mean, madame.
I'm in the mood for seafood.
Ah, well, tonight's menu has sautéed oysters.
.
.
deep-fried shrimp.
.
.
and the special of the day, a sheleketepeletois for two.
.
.
with a little bit of le-le-le-le on the side.
I want alligator.
Alligator? We do not know how to cook.
.
.
alligator.
I like it raw! - Good luck, monsieur.
- [Grace Sighs.]
- Uh.
.
.
- [Grunts.]
Uh, Grace, what do you like to do with your spare time? I like to chew glass.
.
.
I like to ride sharks.
.
.
and I like to bite the heads off of gummi bears.
Un alligator pour Mademoiselle Butch! One minute, Harvey.
Stand back, you weakling! [Roars.]
- [Grace Shouting.]
- [Alligator Roaring.]
Waiter! Check, please! Would you like a piece of my tail, Harvey? No, thank you, Grace.
I've got to be running.
I've got a fax coming into the office.
It's about that time.
It's a real important fax.
The fun is just about to begin.
Wait until you see my shrunken head collection, Harvey! Oh, no.
.
.
Aah! [Grunts.]
[Singing.]
[Hip-hop.]
[Rapping.]
[Rapping.]
Are you overweight? Have you tried dozens of diet and exercise programs.
.
.
only to fail miserably? Then give it up! It's time you accept yourself for who you are.
We accept the real you.
.
.
at Hefty World Condominium Estates.
Hefty World accepts you.
.
.
because it's a specially designedcondominium community.
.
.
just for plump,or "husky"people.
The second you arrive.
.
.
our 24-hour forklift servicepicks you up and whisks you home.
.
.
where condominium attendantsroll you up the reinforced ramp.
.
.
to your extra-wide entrance way.
Need a shower? Those helpful Hefty World attendantsare there again to hose you down.
.
.
and scrub cleanthose hard-to-reach places.
We know that no matter how littleyou eat, you'll still gain weight.
.
.
so we encourage you.
[Chuckles.]
Congratulations, Mr.
Stevens.
You just gained another 40 pounds! With your high-sugar dietyou'll have less and less energy.
.
.
but you'll learn todepend on us to help you.
.
.
- with your unique recreational needs.
- One, two, one, two.
.
.
Also, because Mr.
Stomachsometimes feels a little.
.
.
grumbly.
.
.
Hefty World provides theseemergency food stations every 50 feet.
.
.
along major streets.
So try out Hefty World.
We know the longer you stay, the harder it will be for you to leave.
Hefty World Sets you free [Hip-hop.]
Yo, yo, yo, whazzup, all you bad-boy bargain hunters? It's time for the Homeboy used car sale.
- I'm Whiz.
This is the Iceman.
- Chillin'.
Yo, we got all type of cars for you to choose from.
We got rows and rows of them! [P.
A.
Announcer.]
Batting next, Kirk Gibson.
! [Crowd Cheering.]
Yo, check out this lovey-dovey right here.
- Tell 'em what it got.
- Yo, it got everything.
It got mag wheels on it.
It got a Bose system in it.
- It got a C.
D.
Player in it! - Yo! Yo, you could pull all the honeys in this.
- Wanna keep it? - Yeah.
I'm sorry, customers, this was merely a display item.
But don't you fret none 'cause we got some 'nother stuff over here.
Check out this lovey-dovey tenderoni.
- Yo, it got a telephone in it.
- Yo, Whiz! - What? - I'm goin' crazy.
- Don't do that! - I'm goin' crazy! You know what that means.
.
.
he's slashin' prices! In half! Forty-nine dollars! Yo, and if you act now.
.
.
we gonna throw in this piece of garbage with the bird doo-doo on it for free.
- Yo, give 'em the number.
- Okay, hold up.
The number is: - We're willing to work with you.
- That's right.
- No job? - No problem.
- No credit? - No problem.
- No money? - Problem.
We gotta deal on a strictly cash-type basis.
I know what you're sayin'.
Suppose I got a family.
Check out this beauty down here.
Talk about spacious! So whether it's a family outing.
.
.
or just sneakin' a few friends across the border.
.
.
Yo, this baby seats 60.
We like to call it the Partridge Family Special.
And if you hurry now, we'll even personalize it for you.
- [Organ: "Charge".]
- [Crowd Cheering.]
Uh-oh.
It's the bottom of the eighth.
We almost outta here.
But don't worry.
If you don't catch us here.
.
.
We're gonna have another sale at the Forum.
.
.
during the Luther Vandross concert.
- So this is the Homeboys sayin'.
.
.
- [Both.]
Peace! [Hip-hop.]
[Rapping.]
[Rapping.]
[Rapping.]
[Rapping.]
[Woman.]
Crissy.
! - Huh? - What are you doing? I'm sitting and waiting and being quiet.
And now.
.
.
it's time for.
.
.
Black World! Yea! And in Black World.
.
.
all the black people have the money.
.
.
and.
.
.
and.
.
.
and your mother doesn't have to, um.
.
.
stay up in the theater and clean up late at night.
.
.
while you have to sit and wait and be quiet.
A-And then you're sleepy.
And then, when you go to school, um, it's no rats in the corner.
And no mice either.
The books are brand-new, and they have pictures of black people in 'em.
Oh, and all your dolls are black.
And not no black Barbie either.
.
.
but a real black doll with black people hair and a black nose.
And her name is, um.
.
.
And her name is LaWanda.
And.
.
.
And.
.
.
Oh.
.
.
Oh, and when you go to the store.
.
.
um, the white people don't follow you around.
.
.
and ask you if you have money, like they know you don't have any money.
.
.
'cause your mother didn't give you any money 'cause she not have any money.
And then.
.
.
'Cause they not there anyway.
'Cause the black people own the stores, and they are nice to you.
And the white people, th-they.
.
.
I don't know where they are.
They.
.
.
They must be back in White World.
But, um.
.
.
Oh! Oh! A-And in Black World.
.
.
the president is.
.
.
The Boyz! Yea! Yeah! And.
.
.
No.
.
.
No.
.
.
And, um.
.
.
And just.
.
.
No, okay.
.
.
SoJesseJackson is the king! Yea! Oh! Oh! Shh.
And I have a special treat for you today.
Here we have.
.
.
It's.
.
.
Yes.
It's the queen of Black World.
Yea! Yes, and I want to say.
.
.
I'm happy to be here.
.
.
because we are celebrating.
.
.
that South Africa is free! Yea, and 'cause we are going to release.
.
.
all of the political prisoners.
.
.
starting with, um, the great Nelson Mandela.
Yea! Um.
.
.
And, um, and.
.
.
the great.
.
.
Oh! Okay.
James Brown! Yea! Yea! Yea! - [Woman.]
Crissy.
! - H-H-Huh? What are you doing? Shh! Nothing.
Well, come on, then.
! Okay.
[Mouths "Bye".]
[Audience Applauding, Cheering.]
Thank you.
We hope you had a good time tonight.
We enjoyed ourselves.
We had a good time.
Fly Girls, tell 'em what to do.
[Fly Girls.]
See ya next week! You can do what you wanna do In living color