In Living Color (1990) s01e12 Episode Script

You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon It's never too lateand it's never too soon Take it from meIt's a'ight to be In living color How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color Everybody hereis equally kind In living color What's mine is yoursand what's yours is mine In living color How would you feel knowingeverybody was your friend From thin to thickand through thick and thin And egotistical tripswas put to an end You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon It's never too lateand it's never too soon Take it from meIt's a'ight to be In living color How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color Ladies and gentlemen, Keenen Ivory Wayans.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans, and this is In Living Color.
Good to be here tonight.
Good to have you all here.
Before we get started, I want to know why you're up there.
I like Shawn.
I want to be with Shawn.
She couldn't getthe dance number down, so.
.
.
Say hello to D.
J.
And one of my Fly Girls,Carrie Ann and S.
W.
One.
These other girls back here, start with Cari, Diedre.
.
.
Lisa and Michelle.
We're ready to get loose and have some fun.
.
.
so sit back and laugh for about a half.
Be right back.
Kick it.
You can do what you wanna do In living color [Muttering, Barking.]
And wake up! [Laughs.]
Oh! All right, another volunteer.
Yes, you, sir.
Let's give him a hand,ladies and gentlemen.
- And your name is? - Eugene Carmichael III.
All right, Eugene Carmichael III, what do you do for a living? - Commodities broker.
- Commodities broker.
Let me ask you, have you ever been hypnotized? No, I haven't and frankly, I'm quite skeptical.
One, two, three, trance! Now at my command, you will cluck like a chicken.
One, two, three.
.
.
You're never gonna.
.
.
[Clucks.]
- Beg your pardon? - [Clucking.]
Ladies and gentlemen, the skeptic.
I assure you, he will remain this way as long as l.
.
.
Ahh! [Clucks.]
As long as l.
.
.
Oh, my heart! [Woman Screaming.]
He's not breathing.
Call an ambulance quick! [Thinking.]
Oh, my God! Come on.
Get up! - [Clucking.]
- It's no use.
He's dead.
[Clucking.]
[Thinking.]
You bastard, live! [Clucking.]
Welcome to Nothing But Burgers.
May I help you? [Thinking.]
All right.
Now just concentrate.
Put the money on the counter.
.
.
Iook her in the eye and concentrate.
[Clucking.]
Excuse me? [Thinking.]
Oh, for the love of God, please hear me.
I'm starving! I want a burger! Look, bud, I don't have to take this.
I'll call the police.
- You can't come in clucking and grabbin'.
- Wait.
It's all right.
This guy's trying to tell us something.
I think I've seen this on Geraldo.
Can you write it down? [Thinking.]
That's a great idea.
I should have thought of this.
"I'd like a hamburger.
.
.
"and a cola, please.
I am starving.
" Okay.
Okay.
"Cluck, cluck.
" I'm sorry.
I can't read that chicken scratch.
[Thinking.]
Oh! Please! Please! [Clucks.]
A nightclub act that went awry.
.
.
was a departure point for a long descent to a place stranger than nightmares.
A place crueler than hell.
He's entered a place called the Vortex of Fear.
[Laughing.]
[Clucking.]
[Clucks.]
[Girls Squealing.]
[Announcer.]
Coming this fall on ABC.
[Man.]
Muffin, Skip,you kids okay? We're fine, Mr.
Charles.
[Announcer.]
The kids aren't his,but they're his responsibility.
He's Ray Charles In Charge.
Four of a kind.
Read 'em and weep.
What are you doing, Skip? Math.
That's good.
And what about you, Muffin? We're studying anatomy.
[Ray.]
Good.
Good.
You're fine children.
[Singing.]
[Announcer.]
Move over, Mr.
Belvedere, and hit the road, Jack.
He's Ray Charles in Charge.
Coming this fall right after The Stevie Wonder Years.
They're blind and they're black.
.
.
they're back-to-back,Tuesdays on ABC.
Ahh-ohh [Announcer.]
Now, boys and girls.
.
.
it's time foryour favorite storyteller.
[Applause, Cheering.]
Hello, sweet babies.
How y'all doing today? Would y'all like to hear a story? - Then shut up.
- [Applause Stops.]
Anyway, tonight's story is Cinderella.
Cinderella was the prettiest, most beautiful and most talented one in the family.
.
.
and all of them hated her.
Just like me.
So beautiful and so talented.
And they all hate me, you know.
Oh, that's right.
Cinderella wanted to meet the prince.
.
.
and everybody's talking about Prince, Prince, Prince.
Let me tell you somethin' about Prince.
Prince is nothing compared to me.
Prince cannot sit next to me on my throne unless he's in a high chair.
That's right, I've seen him.
That little tiny man, posing naked on a horse.
.
.
trying to cover up with one hand.
If I had to cover up with one hand, why bother? [Laughs.]
Shut up.
So, anyway, Cinderella heard about the king's ball.
.
.
and she got all excited, just like I did.
I love a good ball.
Anyway, kings are always known.
.
.
for having great balls and I ain't talking about Elvis.
Oh, no, Elvis was no king.
I'm sorry.
Elvis couldn't even tie my blue suede shoes.
I wouldn't let him pet my hound dog.
Oh, no.
If Elvis is the king, then what am I? Shut up.
So, anyways, Cinderella was very sad because she couldn't go.
Then in the middle of the night, her fairy godmother came and gave her a beautiful gown.
.
.
silver slippers, and a white carriage with horses.
You know, they never gave me nothing.
That's right.
I haven't got a Grammy yet.
They never gave me nothin'.
They gave Paul McCartney a Grammy.
When I heard that, I screamed like a white lady in church.
Mm-hmm.
Where was I? You know, everybody stole from me.
Oh, that's right.
I can't tell this story no more.
I have to tell the real story.
Everyone stole from me.
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles? I was blind first.
Oh, yes.
I did that first.
Oh, and Diana Ross? Diana Ross.
.
.
tall, glamorous woman? You know who did that first.
Oh, and James Brown? Stole my hair.
Stole my cape.
Mm-hmm.
He's in prison, right where he belongs.
Oh, yes, he is.
You know, Papa's got a brand-new bag now.
Probably got some shoes to match.
[Laughs.]
Shut up.
Anyway, that's all the time we have for Lil'Richard's Playhouse.
I'll see you next week.
Bye-bye, sweet babies.
[Woman Singing.]
[Scatting.]
[Applause.]
- Great set, Della.
- Thank you, Buster.
Hi, I'm Della Reese.
If you're like me, you suck up food.
.
.
the way a vacuum cleaner sucks up hair balls.
But I got to watch what I eat.
And, honey, sometimes I don't want a whole portion.
I just want a little taste.
And that's why I developed Della Reese's Pieces.
Honey, you don't have to feel guilty about having whole portions anymore.
.
.
because I've already taken bites out of everything for you.
See? That's all I wanted.
Wait a minute.
Let me get a little smidgen more.
Save me a little piece for later too.
And this is all you gonna get.
.
.
with Della Reese's Pieces.
It's the simple way to stop making a pig out of yourself, honey.
So the next time somebody comes in your face.
.
.
with a big ol' mean drumstick like this.
.
.
you say, " Uh-uh, baby.
I'm eating Della Reese's Pieces.
" [Announcer.]
New Della Reese's Pieces.
When you're already starvingforjust a little something.
Today's the big day.
I'm moving up.
Let me tell you something.
Don't fool yourself, my brother.
- They ain't never gonna let that happen.
- [Scoffs.]
What are you talking about? Peterson told me.
.
.
I'm in the number one position for this promotion.
Then let me tell you something, my brother.
The white man ain't never.
.
.
gonna put a black man in charge of his french fries.
They just don't give us that type of power.
- Man, why are you so negative? - Hey, I ain't negative.
I'm just real, my brother.
See, brothers don't get them type of positions.
Look at me.
I've been here five years.
What am I doing? Mopping.
Yeah, but that's 'cause you failed your french fry aptitude test.
Twice.
Hey, man, that was a culturally-biased test, man.
How they going to ask a black man from Compton.
.
.
about some white potatoes from Idaho? Ask me about some sweet potatoes.
I'll tell ya anything about a yam.
Yam from the motherland.
You didn't know that.
Man, maybe your problem is your attitude.
Hey, I ain't got no attitude, my brother.
There's a conspiracy out there.
You hear what I'm saying? There's a conspiracy.
A C-O-N.
.
.
spiracy.
Excellent work, Number Four.
Your plan to get rid of Marion Barry worked beautifully.
- Thank you, sir.
- Next? And you, Number Five, keep up the good work.
Thank you, Your Whiteness.
Well, well, well.
Number Six.
Mr.
Screwup.
- It really wasn't my fault, Number One.
What happened.
.
.
- Silence.
! The others have done their jobs well.
But you have fouled up time and time again.
First, you let Eddie Murphy become the biggest movie star in the world.
- It was the writing.
- And Bryant Gumbel? - I leaked the memo.
- Arsenio Hall? I thought Sajak could go all the way.
Pat Sajak? It's that kind of dimwittedthinking that's gotten you into this mess.
And now the last straw.
I just heardthat a black man in your sector.
.
.
is going to be putin charge of french fries.
- French fries! - Nothing I could do.
What could I do? - You're pathetic.
Wait outside.
- Yes, sir.
Get me Senator Thompkins.
Melvin? Melvin?Melvin.
! - Hello, Mr.
Peterson.
- Melvin.
.
.
last night I went over the list of people for the new french fry supervision job.
- Yeah? - And I just wanna tell ya.
.
.
there was no one more qualified than you.
All right! See, I told you.
But then this morning, I was listening to the radio and I heard the funniest thing.
Apparently, Senator Thompkins passed a bill.
.
.
banning the sale of french fries anywhere in the state.
It passed unanimously.
So I guess you'll have to be on that mop for a while longer.
All right, everybody, let's shut down those fryers.
See? I told you, man.
There is a conspiracy out there.
- C-O-N.
.
.
- Yeah, right.
I know.
[Together.]
Spiracy.
By the way, guys, we have a new trainee today.
Show him the ropes, will ya? Hey, you! Get your feet down off there! Better be nice to him, brother.
That's your new manager.
Man, you crazy.
Isn't he? [Rap.]
[Man Rapping.]
[Theme Music.]
Laquita, I'm home! Hey, sweetheart.
Where's my sugar? Mm! That's my baby.
I'm right in the middle of painting my nails.
Nails? What about dinner? I got some pigs feet steamin' on the stove.
Pigs feet? Ay, yi, yi.
! My mother told me never to marry a crazy redhead from Compton.
Well, you did.
I told you last week I'm having a very important producer.
.
.
- over for dinner on Monday night.
- Producer? Producer? Ricky, sit down.
Ricky, look.
You think he might be interested in a female rapper? - My name's Laquita These are my.
.
.
- Laquita! - Ricky! - Let me "splain" somethin' to you.
What you gonna "splain" to me? - Don't make fun of my language.
- You ain't got no language.
Laquita, I am gonna tell you something.
.
.
for the thousandth time.
I don't want any more of your harebrained schemes to get into show business.
But, Ricky! Come on, man.
I could be the next Queen Latifah! No buts! Now, go on in there and set the table.
- Shoot! - I'll go to the Chinese restaurant downstairs.
.
.
and get something a little more fit for human consumption.
And don't forget, the cable man is coming.
He'll be here any minute.
What'd you say? - Hi, Laquita.
It's me.
- Ethel! Ethel! Come here.
Sit down.
Sit down.
Yo, check this out.
Ricky's gonna have a big-time producer.
.
.
- comin' over here tonight.
- A producer! A producer.
So I figured we could do our Salt 'N Pepa routine.
- Oh, Laquita, I don't know.
- Come on! It's our big chance! - [Doorbell Rings.]
- Well.
.
.
That's him! That's him.
Just follow along.
- Just bust a move.
Whatever I do, you do.
- Well, all right.
Is this the Mercado residence? - Yes, it is.
- Yeah, I'm looking for Mr.
Mercado.
- I'm from Continental Television.
- We were expecting you.
Come on in.
Come on in.
Have a seat.
Have a seat.
- Okay.
- Ethel, get the nice man something to drink.
Some ripple.
On the rocks.
You want a massage? A leg massage? - Uh, yeah.
Sure, I guess.
- Here you are.
- Would you like something to eat? - Thank you.
Yeah.
Okay.
- Do you like music? - Well, I guess so.
I mean, who doesn't? Well, peep this out.
One, two.
One, two.
What we gonna do My name's Laquita and I'm telling you, see I'm the kinda girlshould be on TV Over here, on my right with the curly locks She's a girl, she's my friend she's a human beat box Say, what Oh, that was great! I mean, you two really should be on TV.
Yes! Now, just listen.
I got a service contract right here.
- Let me put myJohn Hancock on it.
- Wait a minute! Not so fast.
Nothing gets signed until I take care of the physical connection.
- What? - You know.
.
.
I have to plug my cable into the box.
- Oh, Laquita! I don't know.
- Do we have to? This is standard procedure.
It will only take about five minutes.
Maybe a little longer.
This is my 12th one today.
[Together.]
Twelfth? One lady I saw this morning took almost two hours.
Mm-hmm.
The poor woman couldn't remember where her box was.
And when we finally found it, it was all rusted shut.
Had to use a crowbar.
- Oh, my God! - Laquita, I don't know about this.
Come on, Ethel.
Come on.
Come on and think.
Just think about it! We talking the big time here.
We could be on Showtime at the Apollo and The Byron Allen Show.
Byron Allen? - Where do you wanna do it, ladies? - We ain't no freaks! - In the bedroom, of course.
- Okay, no problem.
- You know, I got more than 100 feet of cable.
- Oh, no! Look at his teeny feet.
He ain't got no 100 feet of cable.
- I just run it up the side and right through the window.
- Oh, no, Laquita! - Oh, no.
- Please! This is our big chance.
- Please, Ethel.
Please.
- Well.
.
.
Come on.
You know Fred ain't throwin' down in the bedroom anyway.
Well, I guess you're right.
All right, sir, you can do me first and then my friend.
Are you kiddin'? I can get a splitter and turn you both on.
We'll just do it one at a time if you don't mind.
- Fine with me.
Let's get it over with.
- Aren't you gonna leave that? Ah! The right tool for the right job.
Well, if you say so.
[Man.]
Hey, lady,what are you doing.
! [Laughing.]
Ricky! Hi, honey.
This is that producer I told you about.
Producer? But if that's the producer, then.
.
.
Who.
.
.
[Crying.]
Did you let the cable man in? Nope.
Ethel did.
Ethel! What happened? I just got free cable for the whole building.
Laquita! [Crying.]
What? [Laughing.]
We're having too much fun, but we gotta go.
[Grunts.]
We out of here.
See y'all later.
You can do what you wanna do In living color