In Living Color (1990) s03e05 Episode Script

[Man.]
Clarence Thomas,you werejust elected.
.
.
the newestjusticeof the Supreme Court.
What are you gonna do now? I'm going to Girlie World.
[Chuckles.]
Who put this hair in my cola? [No Audible Dialogue.]
Come on! [Man.]
Girlie World.
Where dreams come true.
- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color - Let's take a trip and sip on a dream - Yeah - Glide with the guide on a funky scene - All right Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believebut some of the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go Go, go, go, go Nobody could hit like Willie Mays.
Anybody who don't agree should be shot and spit on.
Hey, no argument from me on that one.
- Hey, baby! - Whoa! - Will you look at that? - Whoo-hoo! Oh, there oughta be a law.
Looks like she's got Gary Coleman and Webster up under there.
[Both Laugh.]
Uh-oh.
Hide the jewels, look who's comin'.
- If it ain't a couple of pretty boys.
- Hey, sissies.
- Pantywaists.
- Pop-Tarts.
Yeah, they probably hang out where all of those twinkies do, down there on York Street.
Probably drink in that sissy bar on the corner ofThird and York.
- What do they call that place? - The Blue Parrot.
Right.
The Blue Parrot.
[Laughs.]
Apple turnovers.
Yeah, I bet they're in there every night.
Sucking down one of them special drinks they make in that place.
- What do they call 'em? - Slow Bun Fizz.
- Right.
The Slow Bun Fizz.
- Slow Bun Fizz, yeah.
- Cinnamon swirls.
- Cream puffs.
Probably can't wait to get to that big jukebox they got in the corner there.
.
.
- and play Bette Midler songs.
- Or-Or, "It's Raining Men.
" - [Both Laughing.]
- That's G-32.
- G-35.
- Oh, yeah.
G-35.
Then they all head back into that secret room they got back there.
Oh, yeah, but you can't get in unless you know the password.
[Together.]
Pop goes the weasel.
[Laughing.]
- Peanut butter cups.
- Peach cobblers.
And you know they're gonna hit on Todd the bartender.
- Who? - Todd.
You know, Todd? The guy who teases you with those piercing blue eyes.
.
.
his pouting, soft lips.
Yeah, with that Tom Selleck mustache that just melts ya dead in your tracks.
[Sighs.]
- Weed whackers! - Cheese doodles! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Who in the hell you guys yelling at? Aw, a couple of show tune lovers walked by.
Oh, yeah, like those fruitcakes that hang out at the Blue Parrot.
- Yeah, you know the place? - Yeah, sure.
My roommate Todd works there.
[All Talking At Once.]
[Nervous Chuckle.]
Yeah, um, I'm sorry about eating here.
.
.
but, I mean, if we're going to that hotel later on, this is all I can afford.
Oh, Bobby, it doesn't matter where we eat, as long as we're together.
- Nothing could ruin this night.
- Prince got a hairy booty.
Yo-ho-ho.
Welcome to Snack 'N Shack.
Tonight's our new pirate theme.
Don't you two look nice.
- Pork fried rice.
Pick it up.
- Is that a real parrot? Oh, no, baby.
I used to have a real one up there.
.
.
but it kept pecking at the bugs in my hair.
Chocolate éclair.
Pick it up.
- Uh, maybe we should just go to the hotel now.
- No.
No.
- We've already waited so long.
Let's have a romantic dinner.
- You're right.
Ahoy, mateys.
Make way for Long John Minimum Wage.
Somehow it's always my turn to swab the deck.
Ain't got no more Wheat Chex.
Don't mean no disrespect.
What the heck, got chicken necks.
- Pick it up.
- Since Mama's babies look so much like my grandchildren.
.
.
I'm gonna give you some of Luther's free clam chowder.
Thanks, but, do you have a catch of the day? Oh, no.
We don't have a catch of the day.
But last week, two customers caught hepatitis.
My left titty nipple got an eye on it.
- I can feel those magic fingers now.
Let's go.
- Oh, Bobby.
Y'all better sit on back down.
Mama's gonna spank you.
Sit down.
I'll pull your pants and spank you.
Now, what's Mama's little swashbucklers gonna have? Uh, well, let's try some oysters on the half shell.
- Oysters on the half shell.
- Oysters on the half shell.
Whose feet smell? Kick 'em out.
- Why don't y'all try the special, the lobster? - Lobster sounds nice.
Oh, it is nice, baby.
We even let you pick it out yourself.
- Don't we, Frances? - Aye, matey.
But don't take the one on my big toe.
He's still working on my bunion.
Liver and onions.
Pick it up.
Damn, lady.
I'd rather eat a two-day-old, moldy taco than eat that.
Oh, bless your heart, baby.
How come you didn't just say so? - Aw, man.
- There you go.
You want some hot sauce on that? - Oh, my God.
- Cod.
Pick it up.
What's this in the chowder? [Gasps.]
[Gagging.]
Ooh, good googa-mooga.
Look like you done found the pirate's treasure.
- Frances.
- Lucky day.
That's Luther's glass eye.
We ain't got no more peach pie.
Hey, what the hell? Let's go.
I am ready to get out of here.
Let's go to the hotel now.
I can't.
I gotta go home and throw up.
- All right.
It's your loss.
- Two all-beef patties, special sauce.
I don't know why, but suddenly I'm hungry for McDonald's.
Great, you have it your way, then later I'll have it mine.
I got a boil look just like Elvis.
Who said I can't move my pelvis? Excuse me, what are your specials? Today's specials are, uh, meat loaf with mash potatoes and brown gravy.
- Whitefish with tater tots and navy bean soup.
- Thanks.
- No problem, hon.
- Hey, you have any ketchup? - Absolutely.
- How do I get to the bathroom? Here's what you wanna do.
You go down the hall, past the telephone booth on your right.
.
.
- it's on your left-hand side, you can't miss it.
- Thanks.
Lizzy, I need a 12-letter Latin phrase for "I came, I saw, I conquered.
" Huh.
Try "Veni, Vidi, Vici.
" That oughta work.
Excuse me.
What's the proper penance for stealing? - That's two "Our Fathers" and a "Hail Mary.
" - [Chuckles.]
Hey, Lizzy, here's one.
This man, along with Michael "Wonder Mike" Wright and Guy "Master Gee" O'Brien.
.
.
made up the original Sugarhill Gang.
Oh.
Who is Henry "Big Bang Hank"Jackson? - She's right again.
- This is impossible.
Aw, give me that.
There you go, hon.
- Did you see that? - Lizzy, this physics is driving me crazy.
Do you know what the conservation of energy law is? What, do I look like a rocket scientist? - I just figured, you know.
.
.
- No, I'm just kidding.
Try one half mass times velocity squared equals mass times gravity times height.
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? As much wood as a woodchuck could if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
- Huh.
- When is a horse not a horse? - When he's the famous Mr.
Ed.
- Hey, can you do the Running Man? - Absolutely.
- [All.]
Go, Lizzy.
Go, Lizzy.
- Go Lizzy.
Whoo.
! - [Laughs.]
All right.
I'm thinking of a number between one and 1,000.
- Hey, are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing? - [Speaking In Japanese.]
I got ya.
Okay, I think that's 56.
Why, yes, they are.
And, uh.
.
.
[Continues In Japanese.]
All right, everybody.
Freeze! I want you to take all your money, put in on the table.
.
.
or I'm gonna bust a cap in this old, white heifer's behind.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
You're not gonna shoot anybody.
- Bull.
.
.
- No, you're not going to shoot anybody.
You think I'm kidding? This ain't no joke, baby.
Look at the way his hand is shaking.
It's obvious that this is a subconscious attempt to get love from your father.
You were abused as a child.
It's as simple as that.
You're a scared little rabbit.
You just need a big bear hug.
You wanna hurt us? You're the one who's hurting inside, mister.
That's right.
- [Crying.]
You right.
Give me a hug.
- All right.
- [All Saying "Ah".]
- All right.
Let's all give him a round of applause.
- I'm sorry.
- Welcome.
Go in peace.
There you go.
What are you so nervous about? It wasn't even a real gun.
- What? - I'm just kidding.
It was a.
45 semiautomatic, 14-clip.
He could have blown the hell out of all of us.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, but the Hebrews for the Homeless night is tomorrow.
- Say what, brother? No, we here for the party.
- Yeah! Oh.
Well, in that case, you'll need this.
Hey, man.
What the hell kinda hat is this? Couldn't you afford the brim and the feather? Oh, now.
You know that ain't no hat.
That's the chamois for the El Dorado.
Baby, you're always in my corner.
Give me some sugar.
- [Loud Kiss.]
- Come on.
We gonna be late.
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you - Happy birthday, Reverend Al - Say, where the reverend at? Oh, here we go.
How y'all doin' tonight? I'm fine.
All right, everybody put your hands together, get on the good foot.
Here we go.
- Excuse me.
E-Excuse me.
This is a religious ceremony.
- [Both.]
Oh.
Onward Christian soldiers Moonwalkin' on to the war With the reverend Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I think you made a wrong turn somewhere.
- We did? - Ain't this the Reverend Al Sharpton's birthday party? No.
No.
This is Allen Sharpstein's bar mitzvah.
Bar "mister"? Oh, Cephie, I think we done found ourselves a happy hour.
And this man sure know how to throw down.
Where the ribs at? Oh, no.
You don't understand.
This is a bar mitzvah, not a happy hour.
- It's a Jewish rite of passing.
- Oh, theyJewish.
- You should've said something.
- Give 'em a little taste of that special song we do.
- We got something special.
- Here we go.
If I were a Jew Please! Please, can we get on with the ceremony? Oh, hey.
Wait, now.
That ain't one of them things where you snip at the boy's yo-yo, is it? 'Cause you gonna need all you can get, knee-deep, partner.
Oh, my God.
What is with you people? - Now, what the hell they call that, honey? - That's called a circumcision.
- Oh, that's right.
- Now, baby, we got something for you.
- Come on over here, son.
- Come on.
Let's sing him a little special song, Reesie.
- Here we go.
- Allen had his yo-yo snipped, E-l-E-l-O With a snip-snip here and a snip-snip there Listen, please.
Stop.
Listen.
Listen.
Don't you people know any songs that we would like to hear? What about, uh, "Hava Nagila"? - "Hava" what? - "Hava" who? "Hava Nagila.
" You know.
.
.
Hava nagila, hava nagila - Now didn't the Stylistics record that back in '72? - I think so.
- I don't think we know that.
Do we, baby? - That never stopped us before.
- Here we go.
- [Screaming.]
That's it.
Now, give 'em a little nagila right on the side where the hot sauce is.
Nagila - [Continues.]
- Whoo-wee! Go it on, baby.
Go it on, baby.
Go it on, baby.
- [Continues.]
- Go it on, girl! - Whew! - Baby, you done made my big toe shoot up in my boot.
- Yeah, baby! - Here we go, y'all.
Hava nagila Have a tortilla Magilla GorillaRock, paper or scissors Bobby Bonilla eat at the Sizzler Chocolate, vanilla Captain Furillo Hava nagilaHava nagila - Hava nagila Hava nagila - Hava - Where'd they go? - I don't know, baby.
Oh, no.
They're gone.
[Dance.]
[Man.]
And now The Adventures of Handi Boy.
- Come on, Clark.
Blow out your candles.
- I don't want to.
- Oh, what's the matter, Son? - Johnny Spradlin made fun of me again.
- And none of the kids will play with me.
- Oh, nonsense.
Yeah? Then why no one came to my party then? - He's got a point, Martha.
- It's time for you to open your present, Son.
- It's very special, dear.
- I don't want it.
Come now.
It was given to us by the people who sent you here, Son.
They made us promise not to let you open it until your eighth birthday.
You mean you're not my real Mommy and Daddy? [Chuckling.]
Not by a long shot.
Just open the box, Clark.
- [Grunts.]
- Oh, let Mother help you, dear.
[Whirring.]
Hello, my son.
It is your eighth birthday and time for you to fulfill your destiny.
- Are you ready? - I guess so.
You were born on the planet Palsy.
.
.
andjust before it exploded,we sent you to Earth in a wheelchair.
Even as a baby,you were stronger than the other kids.
Your schoolmates made fun of you because you were different.
Now, my son, it is that difference that will make you great.
I am making you an offer that you can't refuse.
Drink the liquid in the vial and be all you can be, my son.
[Liquid Gurgling.]
Very good.
Now, from this moment on, you'll be known as Handi Boy.
.
.
defender of the weak and protector of the meek.
And remember, my son.
.
.
never underestimate the powers of the handicapped.
Now, get down off the lady's chair, would you? Yes, sir.
[Together.]
Happy birthday, Clark.
- Aren't you gonna cut the cake? - No.
I gotta go.
The world needs me.
Oh.
Thanks for everything.
[Together.]
Good-bye, Son.
We'll miss you.
Up, up and away.
[Laughing.]
Give me those glasses, four eyes.
- Johnny, give me back my glasses.
- What are you looking at? That's not funny, Johnny.
Johnny, if l.
.
.
You're gonna make me fall.
- Excuse me.
Let him go.
- What? I said, let the cane go.
- Well, who the heck are you? - I'm Handi Boy.
And I can do anything you can do better.
Oh, yeah? Okay, Handi Gimp, let's race.
- Come on.
- On your mark, get set, go! - [Panting.]
- What took you so long, slowpoke? Hey, nobody calls me names, Handi Boy.
I'll teach you.
[Crying.]
Mommy.
Gee, he has a big head.
- Thank you, Handi Boy.
- That's okay.
It used to happen to me all the time until I realized that I was special.
.
.
- just like you.
- Ow! My glasses.
Thanks, Handi Boy.
Let this be a lesson to all of you.
Never underestimate the powers of the handicapped.
Up, up and away.
[Man.]
Tune in next week for The Adventures of Handi Boy.
All right, thank you.
All right, little man, tell them what they gotta do.
Right there.
Tell them what they do.
- All right, you're fired.
- Say, bye-bye.
Say, bye.
Okay, she took care of it.
Next week, y'all.
We out.