In Living Color (1990) s03e18 Episode Script

They're underfed, they're hungry.
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their lives slowly wasting away.
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because they haven't got enough food.
Hello.
I'm Sally Struthers.
For just 50 cents a day.
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the price of an apple fritter.
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you can help feed someone who can't afford to feed himself.
The meals are free, they're nourishing and.
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best of all, they're.
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pretty darn tasty.
Are you gonna finish this? Your donation to the Feed the Planet Foundation is totally tax-deductible.
Just think of it.
You're reaching out.
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and you're giving these people hope and.
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Biscuits? I love biscuits.
Mmm! Mmm! Please send your donation today.
Just remember, $15 a month.
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the price of a Grand Slam breakfast and 10 Dovebars.
You can give these people the sustenance that they now so desperately need.
Please try to hurry though.
I've been here for six months.
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and these people just seem to be getting hungrier and hungrier.
I can't understand it.
Won't you reach out and touch them? Remember, for just $180 a year.
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the price of, uh, 12 buckets of chicken and a Super Big Gulp Dr.
Pepper.
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you can give these people sustenance.
Just call 555-FEED-ME.
Give it to me! Just give me a bite! Please make that call.
- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color - Let's take a trip and sip on a dream - Yeah - Glide with the guide on a funky scene - All right Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believebut some of the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go Go, go, go, go Frankly, Reverend, I don't believe a word you've said here today.
And furthermore, your so-called church'sfund-raising methods.
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are immoral, if not illegal.
I assure you, this Senate panel will not rest.
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until we put every last one of you shysters in jail.
Now, will you please call the next witnesses.
- You don't look too happy, pop.
- See ya Sunday, Reverend.
Boy, I feel love this evenin'.
Remain standing and hold up your right hand, please.
Do you, uh, solemnly swear to tell the truth.
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the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? So help me, my God.
Now, let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Hallelujah! For those who wear fig leaves.
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should not dance with hungry goats.
Amen.
State your names for the records.
My name is the Reverend Ed Cash.
Dollar bills.
No food stamps please.
And I'm the Reverend Dr.
Carl Pathos.
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this ministry's spiritual.
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gynecologist.
Now, would you, uh, please tell us the name of your church? That would be the First Church of Discount Sin.
Yes, Lord, as of now, we have six locations.
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throughout the greater metropolitan area.
The Lord is slashin' prices, and all sin must go! Just dial 1-800-SI N-ALOT for the franchise nearest you.
We even have a drive-through window.
Can I take your order, Reverend? Yes.
I'd like some forgiveness, please.
Would you like a hot apple pie with that? Yes, and I'll have a Moses McMuffin too.
Drive around.
Gentlemen, are you actually charging people a fee to forgive their sins? - We'd prefer to call it a donation.
- Praise be! For he who giveth shall be without sin for 90 days.
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or your money back.
I think somebody been sippin' on the holy water.
Reverend Cash, um, it says here that you don't earn a dime.
How do you, uh.
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How do you explain your extravagant lifestyle? Extravagant? Hmm.
You call this Rolex extravagant? This is the bottom of the line.
No, you got it all wrong.
See, what I do is operate a trust fund for the Lord.
- That's right, for the Big Guy.
- [Reverend Pathos Singing, Indistinct.]
He's the one with all the money.
That's right.
He tell me what to do with it.
If it was me, I'd invest it.
There's a couple of junk bonds I got my eye on.
But what can I tell the Lord? If the Lord wanna buy a big hat with a feather in it.
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what am I supposed to say.
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"No, Lord, you can't have it"? The Lord seen Shaft.
Stick it in and call it macaroni.
That's what I'd say.
And if he want a house, 300 square feet, what am I gonna say.
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"No, Lord, you can't have it on your Earth"? The Lord uses thatJacuzziin mysterious ways.
And it's time for the Lord to clean it out.
- Excuse me.
Reverend Pathos.
- Yes.
How do you explain these expenditures? $200 to the Wild Weasel Dance Club.
Well, one must know evil before he can condemn it.
What about $400 to Rondell's Strip-O-Gram? One must see evil before he can denounce it.
What about $900 to the Red Rooster Escort Service? Temptation! It is all around us, friends.
And how are we not to be distracted when we know that somewhere, somehow.
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breasts are being.
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augmented? When I was a young man, I said to myself.
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"Reverend Pathos, you will not be driven to wine, women or sugary foods.
" And I could use A.
A.
And a good dentist right now.
[Sobbing.]
O Lord! I have sinned against you! Uh, look, we also show expenditures here for a company jet.
Now, how do you explain that? Well, see, that simply allows us.
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- to get to the higher power.
- That's right.
See, the Lord don't always wanna come down to you.
You think you can just bow your head and he show up all the time? - It's a long way.
- Sometimes he say, "Come up to my place.
" Bounce on up there.
What about these taxes? You haven't paid any in seven years.
- Well, that.
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Oh, hold on.
- [Cell Phone Rings.]
- [Ringing.]
- Oh.
Hello.
It's the Lord.
Yes, Lord? Mm-hmm.
Well, that's what I said.
Who am I to say.
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Uh-huh.
Ooh.
I ain't never heard you speak like that, Lord.
Oh.
I have to speak to him in tongues.
He's very upset.
[Speaking Gibberish.]
Can anyone explain what he is saying? He said he's speakin' in tongues.
And speakin' of tongues.
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I've been wantin' to do that since I came in here.
Well, kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya.
Whoo-eee! The Lord is upset.
- You have angered the Lord.
- Oh, no.
And now I must say a prayer for you to.
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for forgiveness.
- 'Cause the Lord is pissed off.
- Say the prayer.
Say it.
Bow your head, please.
Lord, please forgive these senators for gettin' all in your business.
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- [Indistinct.]
- And treatin' you like some common criminal.
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and tryin' to make you look bad in front of all these people.
- Oh, yes, Lord.
- And, Lord, we know that you don't like to go low.
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- but you will if you have to.
- You will stoop.
You can stoop just as low as them.
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and show these here pictures we have of the senator with these naked ladies.
We have seen the light in the holy darkroom, Lord! And, Lord, this ain't the only shot you got.
'Cause you got all kinds of shots.
I hope it ain't upside-down.
- Lord, please forgive 'em.
- Forgive them, Lord.
And let them know that the way through forgiveness is by givin'.
Amen.
Gentlemen, I thinkwe have seen a miracle.
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and this miracle is forgiveness.
- Yes.
Yes, that's right.
The Lord will extend his forgiveness.
- Yes, he will.
- But he ain't gonna do it for free.
- Not for free.
In order to be forgiven, you must go to the root of the word, which is "give.
" - Yes.
Give it.
- For-give.
- Give again.
- Cough it up.
Reverend Pathos,I think this deserves a song.
- [Objects Thumping.]
- I thought you'd never ask.
Ya gotta reach right out and love each other Never push or shove another Unless you're angered by something that they've said And then feel freeto kick 'em till they're dead Show their noses where your toes is I wanna kick them till they're dead [Industrial.]
[Ends.]
[Buzzer Buzzes.]
[Industrial.]
[Ends.]
- Hey, baby.
- [Sighs.]
I'm ready for that magic massage.
But look here, don't get me too relaxed.
I wanna save somethin' for later, if you know what I mean.
Yes, I know just what you mean, lover boy.
But, fortunately, I can't do you today.
- I have a girl fillin' in for me.
- Is she fine like you? Let me just say this.
- Uh, her look is one you will not forget.
- [Murmurs.]
I think you should get to know her.
Hey, send her right in.
I love breakin' in new talent.
Ha ha! Wanda, he's all yours.
Hey, where are you, baby? Stop.
I guess you waitin' on your masseuse, huh? Ah.
Well, actually, I was waitin' for a beautiful woman to come walkin' into my life.
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and I guess, from the look of things, my wish has come true.
Hey.
Word up.
- [Singing Pop.]
- Hey, that's my song.
[Singing Pop.]
Sing it, beautiful.
!Sing it, girl.
Who you callin' beautiful? Shoot.
Beautiful ain't even the word for me.
They ain't even got no word to describe how beautiful I am.
I hear that.
See, I like it 'cause you ain't shy.
If you fine, you just accept it.
Is that right, baby? - That's what I'm sayin'.
For real though.
- I heard that.
For real though.
'Cause if you got the butter, you might as well spread it.
- Shoot.
- I heard that.
So, tell me, baby.
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would you say you look like Whitney Houston or, uh, Paula Abdul? Well, since I'm a natural blonde and stuff.
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people always says I look like a black Vanna White.
- Vanna White, huh? - For real though.
Mm-mmm.
Well, I will hope I get to get that free spin later on.
- And you never know.
I might flip your letters too.
- Ooh.
That's all I'm sayin'.
But see, you tryin' to give me all them compliments.
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'cause you tryin' to get in good and stuff.
You just need to.
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Just lay back and relax and let me concentrate on what I'm doin'.
- 'Cause, see, I'm gonna let my fingers do the walkin', - [Yelps.]
And I'm gonna let your body do the talkin'.
- Ooh.
Ah! Yeah, right there.
- Oh, you like that? See, I got a lot of tension in my lower body.
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so I'm-a need a little extra attention back there, my brown sugar.
Oh.
Well, just ask, and you shall receive.
You shall.
See.
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But let me show you somethin'.
Let me show you somethin'.
'Cause, see, this is a trick that I learned from my cousin and them.
- It's like a Chinese foot massage.
- Mm-hmm.
I got a little toe jam.
Hold on.
- Ooh, girl.
- This is somethin' I learnt.
What I do is.
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I don't wanna scratch you or nothin'.
- You gonna be all right? - Girl, you ain't got to worry about that.
- Be as rough as you want.
I'm a man.
- Okay.
All right.
I'm a man, girl! Ride 'em, cowboy! Work it out.
- [Sniffing.]
- That's all right.
Mmm! Girl, you even smell good.
What do you got on, Poison? - Oh.
No, that's Desenex.
- Desenex? - Isn't that a.
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Ow! - What's wrong? - What's wrong? Did I hurt you? - Ow.
- No.
I just got a lot of tension right up in here, baby.
- Oh, Lord.
- Yeah, you do.
You got a big knot right there.
- Yeah, uh-huh.
I can get that out.
You know what I'm gonna use? I'm gonna use the Mr.
Miyagi method they did on Karate Kid.
Hold on.
[Spits.]
Hold on.
- [Sucks Breath.]
Ah! - See, right there? - Now, don't that hurt so good? - Oh.
Oh, this is heaven.
- Just call me the messiah.
- Mmm! Mm-mm-mm! Well, look here.
Let me turn around and see my angel, 'cause.
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No, no.
Hold on.
Hold on.
You'll see your angel as soon as you get to heaven.
You in a hurry.
You too fast.
Slow down.
You too fast.
- Well, good-lookin', let me ask you this.
- Uh-huh? - How about if I called you tonight? - Hey, okay then.
- I'll take you somewhere.
We can get wine, - For real though.
- Dinner.
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- All right.
- And the whole nine yards.
- Oh, yeah.
You talkin' the kind of stuff I like.
- Let's go.
- Let's go.
I want to see my angel.
- [Singing Pop.]
- Hey, that's my song.
[Screams, Shouting.]
[Both Shouting, Indistinct.]
Okay, yeah? Okay, yeah? You can do this.
You can do this.
I thought you said you looked like Vanna White.
- I do look like Vanna White.
- You look like Slappy White! I don't know why you trippin'.
Shoot.
Why you.
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Why you trippin'? Just calm down.
You so tense.
You so tense.
You need somebody to console you.
- Just let me.
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I just wanna.
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- Hey! Hey, hey! Get off me! Hey! You don't even know me! You don't even know me! I ain't got to know you.
You was the one sittin' over there talkin' about.
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You gonna take me to wine and dinner and lunch and all that kinda stuff.
You got me excited.
I'm just ready to go.
Look, read my lips, all right? I don't want you.
Well, you read my lips.
I got you.
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and I am ready to go.
Now don't make me get ugly.
Honey, I think we about an hour past ugly.
Oh, no.
See, I can get ugly.
See, I'll bust your black, narrow ass.
- Now you fool with me.
Come on.
Fool with me.
- I got a pork chop.
I got a pork chop in my gym bag.
You gotta take me out to dinner.
I don't want no pork chop.
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- Excuse me.
Did you need some towels? - No, girl.
What you need to do is get you some business.
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your own business.
'Cause you're in mine.
You all in my Kool-Aid and don't even know the flavor.
Where you goin'? See what you makin' me do? - I'm sorry.
- Darn! I didn't mean to interrupt anything.
You didn't interrupt nothin'.
He was just tryin' to get some.
And, see, he got mad 'cause I wouldn't give it up to him.
- So he just got mad and left.
- Mm-hmm.
That sounds just like him.
- So, we was.
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I be tryin' to, you know, keep my stuff sacred.
- Mm-hmm.
All right.
I'm gonna check you later, all right? All right.
'Cause he know.
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He know I would've rocked his world.
Hey, hey, hey.
Well, I hope you all enjoyed your evenin'.
I gotta get outta here.
I'm live on Roc next.
- [Man.]
Tommy.
! Shut up.
! - [Laughing.]
- Shut up, Tommy.
! - Get outta here.
We'll see you next week.
- Stand up for your rights.
- Watch Roc.
Tommy.
- [Hip-hop.]
- [No Audible Dialogue.]