In Living Color (1990) s04e13 Episode Script

Hi.
I'm world-famous bodybuilder Vera de Milo.
A woman like me gives off many special scents.
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especially after a grueling afternoon of deep power squats.
[Strains.]
That's why I'm here to promote my new fragrance.
.
.
Vera.
Why work as hard as I do, when you can just smell like it? Ooh! Good golly, Vera.
That fragrance sure doesn't smell tutti-frutti to me.
I mean, if it's made for a woman, how come I like it so much? - Because it smells like a sweaty guy.
- Ooh, shut up.
It's a very special combination of rose hips, athlete's foot fungi.
.
.
and stinky fluids that keep running out of my body when I pose.
- [Blows.]
- Ooh, Lord, smells like the Lakers.
Shut up.
My Wind Song stays on your mind.
[Whinnies.]
- Hit it, Richard.
- [Piano: Rock And Roll.]
There's an odor around the gym And they call it Vera It's made for herbut it smells like him They call it Vera She's the wench with the stench - Vera - Leaves a mark on the bench, Ooh, Lord Now they've bottled that stench for you and they call it - [Together.]
Vera - Ooh - [Growls.]
- Oh, Lord.
- Ooh - [Man.]
Vera perfume.
- May cause side effects.
Not recommended for use during pregnancy.
- [Growling.]
- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color Let's take a tripand sip on a dream Glide with the guideon a funky scene Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up On the double-dub-doubleYeah It's hard to believebut some of the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go Doctor, I can start administering the medication.
.
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as soon as my volunteer nurse gets here.
Actually, she should've been here.
Don't lose your patience.
[Laughs.]
"Lose your patients"? - Somebody get me some overalls.
I'm goin' to the funny farm.
- [Laughs.]
Oh, why, look at you.
- Ya look so perfect in your little white nurse's uniform.
.
.
- Thank you.
Oh, except for this little stain here on your neck.
- Hmm.
Hm.
- Ooh! Ooh! Ow, Elsee.
Show some, uh, bedside manner.
Well, I was tryin' to.
Please, why don't you just attend to that woman over there.
Oh, look at these beautiful little babies.
Oh, hair's so soft, and little button nose.
.
.
Work that areola, child.
Are you sure you gonna be able to nurse these two babies? I've seen bigger breasts at Zacky Farms.
Elsee, I believe that Mrs.
Walters.
.
.
is quite capable of doing that herself.
Excuse me, nurse, could I please get somethingfor my throat? My throat is killin'me.
Oh, why, certainly.
Don't you worry about that.
Cousin Elsee'll take right care of it.
All right.
Now, open up and say "ah.
" - Aaah.
- Ah? - Ah? - [Gags.]
- Elsee! - Now, turn over.
Let Cousin Elsee take your temperature.
- Elsee, please! - Get her away from me.
Somebody call me a doctor.
Okay.
You're a doctor.
[Laughs.]
Golly, somebody set up the lobotomy room.
.
.
'cause I'm gonna have a piece of my brain cut out.
Elsee, why don't you come over here, and, uh.
.
.
where I can keep an eye on you? Okay.
Now, according to this man's chart.
.
.
he needs to be prepared for surgery.
- Okay.
I guess that means I'm going to have to shave him.
- For heart surgery? Now, never you mind.
Just lay back and let Cousin Elsee do the work.
Now, where's my razor? And my magnifying glass? Nurse! [Groans.]
- Elsee, please.
Get a grip.
- Well, I had one.
Why don't you just come over here and help me? - [Monitor Beeping.]
- Oh, isn't this somethin'.
A man in a tent.
Well, it certainly is nice to get in some campin' while you're sick.
- Uh, no, Elsee, this is a coma tent.
- [Beeping Continues.]
Why don't you just massage his muscles while I look over his vital signs.
All righty.
Poor little thing, all trapped up in a little plastic bubble.
Let Cousin Elsee soothe ya.
Just lay back, honey.
.
.
'cause when Cousin Elsee get that feelin', I'll give you some of my sexual healin'.
Elsee! Get off! I don't mind if I do.
For God's sakes.
The man is in a coma! Not anymore he's not.
Cousin Elsee done revived the dead.
Mr.
Fleming, you're conscious! That was a marvelous thing you did, madam.
How can we ever repay you? Oh, there ain't no need to repay Cousin Elsee.
Just a little hug from the doctor'll do.
- Oh, anything for you, ma'am.
- Okay.
Hey! [Sputtering.]
Someone get this big bitch off me! - [Flatline Tone.]
- Stop it! He's flatlining again! Elsee! Get off! - [No Audio.]
- [Man.]
Okay, roll cameras, places, and action.
- One, two, three, four.
- [Hip-hop.]
[Rapping.]
Star Pac computers help us compute This is somethin' you can't dispute - Just turn it on - And rev it up - Our Star Pac let's us know - [All.]
Whassup - Stop! - [Stops.]
Why is it that no matter what the product is.
.
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black people are always singing, rapping and dancing in commercials? [Resumes.]
- It's easy to use - That ain't no jive - Star Pac computers - [Both.]
Gimme five Ahhh! [Crystal.]
Why? [Man.]
Welcome to The Dysfunctional Home Christmas Show.
Yeah, okay, we know it's January, butthe familyjust woke up from a two-week drunk.
And now here's our host,Grandpa Jack McGee.
Oh, hi.
.
.
and welcome back to The Dysfunctional Home Show.
I just got fired from a gig at Macy's.
Like I'm the first Santa that ever threw up on a kid.
This week.
.
.
This week.
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we're gonna show ya how to have a dysfunctional Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho.
I wish I could suck on a 12-gauge.
Okay.
Let's get into the spirit of this thing.
[No Audio.]
We're gonna start with Grandpa Jack's special recipe.
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for Christmas rum cake.
First step, ya get the cake.
Step number two.
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ya add a dash of Grandpa's secret ingredient: Pork and beans.
Pork and beans! Yum, yum.
Now, once the family gets a taste of that.
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they're gonna l-l-l.
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They're gonna l-l.
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.
They're.
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.
[Gags.]
And that's where the rum comes in.
[Door Bell Rings.]
Uh.
.
.
Oh.
That must be my stepdaughter.
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and my little grandchildren.
You know, Christmas is a time for family.
- Come here, kids.
Come on.
- [Yelps.]
You ungrateful little sperm.
Ho, ho, uh, ho.
Holy.
.
.
Great Grandma forgot to hang up her stocking.
Hey, kids, look who it is.
It's time for Great Grandma McGee's.
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traditional Christmas story.
- Gather 'round, kiddies.
- Come on, kids.
Get the lead out! Who the hell are you? Anyway.
.
.
'Twas the night before Christmas.
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and all through the house.
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.
- nothin' was stirrin'.
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.
- [Grandpa Jack.]
Nothin'.
Not even a little old, little martini.
When out on the porch came a thundering clatter.
- [Grandpa Jack Mutters.]
- It was the social worker come to take all my babies.
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all of'em except Jack! Grandpa Jack.
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that's right.
He was still in my festering womb.
I begged her to take him, but no! That's beautiful.
[Sniffles.]
Hey, I think I left my bottle opener in there.
- Well, it's mine now, Jack.
- All right.
Hey, kids.
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it's time to light the tree.
[Children And Great Grandma.]
Ooh.
Okay, kids, it's time to join in the singing of.
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Get outta the way! To join in the singing.
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of our dysfunctional Christmas anthem.
- Oh, God.
- Shut up! On the eighth day of Christmas - [Others Join.]
My true love gave to me - [Groans.]
Eight restraining orders Seven pills a-poppin' Six-packs of beer Five dry-y-y heaves [Exhales.]
Four counts of battery Three black eyes Two-timing wives And can of pork and beans Pork and beans! Oh, you shut up, Jack.
You can't sing.
You never could sing.
[Knocking.]
Hey, how you doin'? Your children sent this champagne with their best wishes.
They want everything to be perfect for you on your second honeymoon.
Oh, well, you know, every day is like a second honeymoon with old Mr.
Brooks, here.
That's right.
The tunnel been dark, but we can still see the light.
- That's great.
I just.
.
.
- That's why after all these years.
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.
[Together, In High Voice.]
We still together.
- That's really good.
A-And you're a big inspiration.
- Well, all right, now.
Go ahead on with you.
Yeah, it's about time we went on our second honeymoon, Miss Brooks.
Course, I'll never forget our first honeymoon.
You came out the bathroom wearin' a peekaboo nightie.
First I peeked, and then I booed.
Well, maybe you'd get a little more action if you were better lookin', Mr.
Brooks.
Why, the last time you stuck your face out the car window, you got arrested for moonin'.
Now, I wouldn't talk about ugly, Miss Brooks.
Why, with that overbite of your, you can kiss a man and comb his moustache at the same time.
Would you mind gettin' my slippers, Miss Brooks? I wouldn't be talkin' about bad teeth, Mr.
Brooks.
Your dentures got so much food stuck in 'em, Sally Struthers wanted to send 'em to Africa.
- Uh, Miss Brooks, what's the par on this hole? - What? Mr.
Brooks, I believe them funky, furry slippers of yours are up under the bed.
Oh, l-I'll get 'em myself.
Guess I'm a expert at funky, furry things.
- [Metallic Clang.]
- Oh! Oh.
Uh, Miss Brooks, I believe I found your I.
U.
D.
Mr.
Brooks, I don't have to worry about birth control.
Your face just does fine.
[Grunts.]
Oh, I see you's a strong woman, Miss Brooks.
That must come from liftin' 500 pounds.
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every time ya get up off the toilette.
Funny, you bringin' up the toilet, with your father's flatulence problem, Mr.
Brooks.
Why, the only way that man could pass more gas is if an Exxon truck drove out his butt.
Watch it.
Watch it.
Watch it, now.
Watch it, now.
- Are you gonna tuck me in, Mr.
Brooks, or what? - No, but I'm gonna tuck you up.
What? [Yelps.]
Well, Miss Brooks, it's 'bout time for your dream to come true.
.
.
'cause I'm finally gonna poke ya.
[Bones Crack.]
Ooh! Ooh.
Lord, Miss Brooks, you must weigh damn near a ton there.
Whoo! Ya got more fatty grease up under your chin than the Colonel's chicken fryer.
I wouldn't bring up the Colonel, if I were you.
.
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seein' how your underpants couldn't hold much more than a one-wing kiddie meal.
- Oh, come on and get it, there, stinker.
Come on.
- Yah! - Hoo! - Ha, ha.
Oh, now, Mr.
Brooks, you're gonna get it, and get it good.
- Why, is your sister in town? - Ooh! [Rings.]
Mr.
Brooks, I'm about to do the bionic suplex on ya.
Well, I hope ya don't give me herpes simplex again.
Now the airplane.
The airplane! - Ooh, I'm gonna ride the bull to Grandpa's house.
- Ooh! Ooh, Lord.
Lord! Hey, I was.
.
.
Uh, I was just bringin' the champagne glasses back.
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but look like you two lovebirds couldn't wait.
[Together, In High Voice.]
We still together.
- [Stand-up Bass: Hip-hop.]
- Yo, whassup? We are proud to debut a new rap group.
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kickin' off their single, "Rebirth of Slick.
" Please welcome Pendulum recording artists, Digable Planets.
Peace, world.
Straight from the colorful ghettos of outer space.
You've got the man, the woman and child.
And we come in the form of a Digable Planet.
Yeah, it's the Butterfly It's the Ladybug, It's the Doodlebug And this "The Rebirth of Slick," so check-check it out.
[Rapping Together.]
[Rapping.]
[Rapping.]
[Continues, Together.]
[Rapping.]