In Living Color (1990) s04e24 Episode Script

All right.
Thanks for tunin' in.
We're gonna be showin' you some of the highlights from the past season of In Living Color.
That's right.
We thought that America should see these sketches because, again.
.
.
they're very hard hitting, thought provokin' and socially.
.
.
re-le-vant.
.
.
- All right! - Yeah.
.
.
than they've ever been.
- I thought the network said it would be cheaper.
- Oh, watch it, now! - Shut up, man.
Jokes comin' at ya.
- [Scatting.]
Hi, I'm Rodney King.
And I'm Reginald Denny.
And we're here to give you young people a friendly word of advice.
- Always think before you act.
- Right.
See, it's not whether you win or lose, but.
.
.
Is it over when the fat lady sings? Can't we all just get along? Staying in school and staying off drugs is fine.
.
.
but it ain't gonna do you any good at all, if you don't have sense enough to.
.
.
[Both.]
Stay in your car.
Right.
See, we were stupid.
We got outta our cars.
We didn't use our heads and now look what happened.
We may have won the battle, but the early bird got the worm.
Can't we all just get along? And your friends are gonna try to tempt you.
They're gonna say, "Hey, come on.
Get out of your car.
What can it hurt?" Take if from us.
.
.
[Both.]
It hurts.
Right.
See, it's like Confucius said.
.
.
"He who hesitates.
.
.
" Uh.
.
.
[Whispering.]
"Can lead a horse to water, but he can't get that bird out of his bush.
" Can't we all just get along? - So, take it from us, Reginald Denny.
.
.
- And Rodney King.
.
.
[Both.]
Stay in your car.
- You wanna drive? - No, man.
Let's.
.
.
- [Siren Blaring, Distant.]
- Let's talk about it in the car.
- We could take the bus.
- No, there's people on the bus.
- All right.
- [Siren Continues.]
- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color Let's take a tripand sip on a dream Glide with the guideon a funky scene Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle up couple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believebut some of the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, go,go, go go, go Go, go [Woman.]
It's time to ask the question: Why? Hello.
I'm Chelsea Dream of Eyewitness News.
.
.
bringing you a live report from the scene of a crime.
Can anyone tell me what they know? I'm the investigating officer.
I was the first one on the scene.
I can tell you what we have assessed thus far.
I'm an expert criminologist with a doctorate in psychology.
.
.
and I can assess the situation here.
Yeah, but check this.
I seen the whole thing, right? I seen the whole thing.
I can tell you what went down.
Good.
[Woman.]
Stop! Why do reporters always choose the most unintelligent.
.
.
uninformed black eyewitness? Why? It was definitely some people that did it.
I was just about to get busy with my lady.
'Cause she was naked, and I was butt-naked.
Then I heard someone.
.
.
I heard somebody say.
.
.
"Yo! Yo, bitch, get up off me," right? Then, peep this.
.
.
Is this gonna be on the news? Hey, what's up? Denise, tell Mama to look at the news.
Hi, Mama.
[Woman.]
Why? Hi.
Do you secrete a reading dysfunction? Do you have problems putting your words in a colostomy bag? That's why I've cremated this new program called.
.
.
"Booked On Phonics.
" I'll teach you how to "testiculate" my way.
To "coputate" how it works, I will "intersex" with a perverted deviant.
.
.
by using one of my own penal implants.
- Uh, "mastercate" this sentence.
"See".
.
.
- "See".
.
.
- "Dick".
.
.
- "Dick".
.
.
- "Angina.
" - [Stammers.]
- "Angina.
" - [Stammering Continues.]
- You know what "gina" is, don't you? - Oh.
.
.
Oh, y-y-yeah.
- Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah.
- You're "conjackulating" your verbs and reaming your fibula.
- Impeach me.
- Uh-huh.
"Dick, alas, your emasculated pace.
.
.
- is accelerating at a promiscuous rate.
" - Hey, man! - That ain't what that says.
- Shut up.
Suppress your defecation.
See, reading is bisexual in your mentality.
I think it was Plato.
.
.
excuse me, Play-Doh.
.
.
who stuck to the wall when he said.
.
.
"One must put his transvestite in jeopardy if one wants.
.
.
to become a cunning linguist.
" Like Vanna White.
Now, hermaphrodite, try it again.
- "See".
.
.
- Uh, "See".
.
.
- "Jane".
.
.
- "Jane".
.
.
Uh, uh, uh.
SeeJane's big "breastesses"? That's it.
That's it.
Now, you're expectorating your sphinx to stink wedge.
- I gotta have me the big breasts! I gotta have me the big breasts! - Hold on now! - I gotta have.
.
.
- Hold on! I ain't no venereal fuddrucker.
But I can teach you to appropriate your hemorrhoidal retention.
And you don't even have to be clairvoyant.
.
.
excuse me, Clair Huxtable.
.
.
to ovulate this amazing program.
But how, uh, big areJane's breastesses? - Gigantor.
- Uh-huh.
So please, don't put off tomorrow what you can castrate today.
Send your colon in today.
Soon, you'll be on your ivory way.
And remember, R-l-F.
.
.
Reading Is.
.
.
[Together.]
Fallopian.
[Announcer.]
To order Booked on Phonics.
.
.
"deflecate"$9.
95to Oswald Bates.
.
.
care of Mid-StateMaximum Security Prison.
And they would've been counting those positions against our administration.
.
.
those bean counters who were doing that.
.
.
if I had appointed white men to those positions.
I'm back! Thought you could shake me, didn't ya? Well, let me ask you this: How you gonna inaugurate yourselves a new president.
.
.
if good old Ross Perot done bought up all the airtime? And that's just what I done right now.
Go ahead.
Flip the channels.
See if I ain't lyin'.
I predict a big doo-doo storm coverin' this whole dang country.
.
.
unless somebody finds me a government job but quick! [Humming.]
I'm still here.
Say, folks.
.
.
you ever notice how there's no blacks, noJews, no Puerto Ricans on TheJetsons? Future looks pretty bright, don't it? - [Crowd Booing.]
- Now, come on, now.
I don't tell you people how to dig ditches.
It's just common sense.
I got charts to prove it.
I'll come.
.
.
I'll come out there! Hello, caller.
You're on the Ross Perot Love Line.
Why don't you tell me what you're wearin'.
I'm all ears.
Now, that's downright sexy.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Yep, I can almost feel you right now.
Drill for oil.
We're gonna need rented air to cap this one.
You wanna know my favorite position? Well, I'll tell you.
It's a cabinet position, dag nabbit! [Hip-hop.]
[Rapping.]
It's just that simple.
D.
J.
Ross in the house! See? I can get down with you people.
But, I'm warning ya, when I come back from this commercial.
.
.
I'm still gonna be here.
I'm gonna be all over you like Mike Tyson at a beauty pageant.
Now, "shamon.
" "Shamon," now.
[Needle Scratching Record.]
[Rapping.]
[Announcer.]
Coming soon to a theater near you.
.
.
that bigmouth, bigoted ownerof the Cincinnati Reds.
.
.
in her first major motion picture, Driving Miss Shott.
You know, Hoke, I don't understand.
.
.
why I gotta go to this damn hearing anyway.
Well, they say it 'cause of your racial hiring practices, Miss Ma'am.
Why, that's just insane.
If anything, I discriminate in favor of the black man.
- O-Oh, Miss Ma'am? - Like when I hired you.
I said, " I need a driver, and he better damn well be black.
.
.
the blacker, the better.
" - Well, thank you, Miss Ma'am.
- Not at all.
You know, Hoke, did you know that I am so sympathetic to the black man.
.
.
I've even taken a slave name? What's that now, ma'am? Master.
[Laughing.]
- That's just a little joke.
- Oh, look here.
Don't get none on ya now, Miss Ma'am.
[Chuckling.]
But, you know, I wouldn't recommend you say them type of thing.
.
.
when you go for that hearin' today.
'Cause that's what got you in trouble in the first place.
.
.
and the press might not take kindly to it.
Oh, the press! They're just a bunch of liberalJews.
They're the ones who made me shorten the team name to the Reds.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
What-What-What did the name used to be, Miss Ma'am? - The "Color-eds.
" Get it? I got lines.
- You ain't got to tell me.
It was just a little more fitting, don't you think? You know, Hoke, speakin' ofJews.
.
.
have you heard the one about the new Jewish sports car? - Uh, ma'am? - It stops on a dime.
.
.
even picks it up.
[Chuckling.]
Oh.
Oh, hush up now, Miss Shott.
- I'm killin' myself.
- Oh, you killing me too.
You know, Hoke.
.
.
if you don't drive this car better, I'm gonna trade you to theJaps.
.
.
along with those other uppity millionaires.
Now, ma'am, you startin' to work Hoke's last good nerve.
Now, you shouldn't say such things.
I'll say what I want.
You're drivin' like an idiot.
I can drive better from back here.
Miss Shott, that's the first sensible thing you done said all day.
- I got to go make water.
- What? Hoke! [Screaming.]
[Announcer.]
Don't miss Driving Miss Shott.
Because sometimes what you saycan drive you over the edge.
Hi.
I'm Cher.
.
.
singer, actress, mother, model, slut.
.
.
and you're probably wondering what I'm doing hawking beauty products.
.
.
when everyone knows my face has seen more cuts than a Thanksgiving turkey.
Well, I've made goo-gobs of money doing this.
And I'm Lorie Daves.
And you're wondering how someone who looks like this.
.
.
could possibly have something to say about beauty.
You see, there were days when I didn't feel good about how I looked.
.
.
no matter how many young men I had around me.
But then I found out about the incredible beauty system of Lorie Daves.
.
.
and realized money was more important than grinding a boy scout.
[Laughing.]
Lorie, I used your product for over a year.
.
.
before I realized that it wasn't your product at all.
It was merely being around you that made me look so great.
[Sighs.]
Exactly, Cher.
That's the secret of beauty, you see.
It isn't so much looking good yourself.
.
.
but rather sitting next to someone who can't help but make you look good.
.
.
[Together.]
By comparison.
Whoo! Whoo! All of a sudden, I feel light as a feather and rich too.
And your hair even looks better.
[Cackling.]
But, Lorie, what about all the millions of people that purchase your products.
.
.
that don't have the benefit of being next to you? Well, that's what makes my system so special.
They can find an unattractive person of their own.
.
.
at D.
M.
V.
, Kmart, Weight Watchers.
.
.
or any of the Slavic countries.
Lorie, this is fun.
Now let's hear from another satisfied customer.
- This is my best friend, Chelsea.
- Hi, Chelsea.
Chelsea, why did you agree to participate in this commercial? Because your perfume's not selling.
.
.
and you said we had to do this.
Read the cue card, honey.
Oh.
Because I wanted to feel better about myself.
.
.
and the Lorie Daves hair care system is the product that can help.
Having tried the products, how do you feel? - Okay, I guess.
- Now go sit by Lorie.
Wow! I feel great.
Is that me? I look beautiful.
- You sure do, Chelsea.
- [Laughs.]
See what my system can do for you? And it can do that for anybody.
Janey, come over here.
Come on over here, Janey.
Ohhh, come to mommy.
[Gasps.]
It does work! I'm gonna buy the Lorie Daves hair care system today.
[Cackling.]
And, guys, you don't have to be left out either.
[Grunts.]
Hey, I feel beautiful.
And you can too.
[Announcer.]
The Lorie Daves Beauty System.
Because there's alwayssomeone uglier.
- You look good.
- Because I don't.
[Cackling.]
[Laughing.]
Ahh! [Slavic Accent.]
At last, I have found my prey.
Gary Coleman, you better stop.
Stop, Gary.
Ooh, it's cold in here.
I'm feelin' goose nippily.
[Sniffing.]
By the depths of Hades, what is that smell? Dog, I gotta quit eating them pigs' feet.
My gas is kicking up.
I will take you away from all of this, my love.
- [Growls.]
- Oh, my God.
It's a man in my "boo-door.
" And I feel vulnerable, and I'm almost naked up in here.
Fear not, my love.
I have crossed oceans of time to be with you.
You so crazy.
You could have just called.
I want you to be mine for all eternity.
Listen, you don't know what you're getting into.
.
.
'cause I'm telling you, I'm just like a virus.
.
.
once I get in your system, it's hard to get me out.
Wait, wait, wait.
Uh-uh.
I don't want you to see me like this.
I just woke up.
Let me put my face on.
Time is of the essence.
You do not have to put on appearances for me.
I want to take you as you are.
Look, you can have me now and have a hamburger, but if you wait.
.
.
you can have a Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
I want to show you things that you've never seen.
Hey, word up, and I'm gonna show you things that scientists ain't even seen.
You must hurry.
Daylight will be upon us soon.
.
.
and I am a creature of the night.
Hey, hold on a minute.
.
.
'cause I'm a freak Give yourself to me by the crack of dawn.
.
.
and we shall rule the underworld.
I must drink of your essence.
Hey, word up.
Then grab a straw, 'cause you're gonna drink it up.
Clap on.
- [Screams, Hisses.]
- What's wrong with you? By the beard of Satan, it's Beelzebub himself.
- Clap off.
- Wait a minute.
You said you had crossed the seas and all that kind of stuff.
- Clap on.
- I didn't know I was going to find land ho.
- Clap off.
- Wait a minute.
Who you calling a ho? Clap on.
I don't need no Eddie Munster-looking, with-the-widow-peak.
.
.
fake-wearing, funky-breath-breathing.
.
.
coming-in-through-my-window- when-you-wasn't-even-invited.
.
.
with-them-wearing-them- tired-old-clothes.
.
.
Iooking-like-Peewee Herman- like-he-was-on-crack white boy.
.
.
telling me that I don't look good.
Okay? You are right.
I'm not good enough for you.
Hey, where you going? Don't be ashamed just 'cause you're a white boy.
I mean, I don't mind having a little cream in my coffee.
And I mean, no.
And if you act right, I'll do you like the bean.
.
.
You know what I'll do? Grind it up, hey.
- Ugh! Ugh! - Grind it! Grind! And I thought the crucifix was repulsive.
Ugh! Look, you don't understand.
I am a vampire.
I have to have blood.
Oh, okay, then.
What kind of blood do you need? I got "A" negative or "O" positive.
- I got you.
- But you also have mirrors.
I hate mirrors.
You ain't got to worry about that.
Look.
Mirror, mirror, on the wall.
.
.
There you go.
Oh, my gosh.
Look at the time.
I have to go sleep in my coffin.
You don't have to go nowhere.
I told you, I got you.
Now let me rock your underworld.
What you do.
.
.
Uh-uh.
No, uh-uh.
All right, don't you know you a freak? Filet my soul, filet my soul.
I give up.
You win, but I have to do it with the window open.
I love it in the sunlight.
Okay then.
Let the world see.
[Laughing.]
Free at last.
Free at last.
Dog.
I guess I was just too much for him.
He got hot and just burned up.
Charleesa? Girl, yeah, I done burned another one up, girl.
I told you, I be rocking worlds all over the country.
For real now.
- [Hip-hop.]
- Okay, thanks for watching the show.
I want to introduce a couple of people.
.
.
royal princesses, my niece, Jaqueline, my niece, Jennifer.
.
.
my prince, nephew Jonathan.
.
.
my queen, grandmother, Mrs.
Mary L.
Carter.
And thanks for watching the show.
Good night.
[Hip-hop.]
- [Continues.]
- [No Audible Dialogue.]
[Continues.]
[Continues.]