In Living Color (1990) s05e10 Episode Script

This is Debbie Woodruff coming to you live from the corner of Anderson and Wilder.
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- [Sirens.]
- Where just moments ago a fire has erupted.
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- [Horns Honking.]
- Leaving three dead and possibly two others wounded.
I have with me Officer Douglas Danforth of Precinct 26.
- Officer Danforth? - Uh, yes, Debbie.
Officer, early reports have indicated that these deaths are organized crime-related.
- Can you confirm this? - It would certainly seem so, Debbie.
The victims were all known to be affiliated with the Perigi crime family.
As you know, the family has been torn by a bloody power struggle.
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since last month's death of the reputed godfather Roberto Perigi.
So do you have positive identifications on these victims? We won't be positive until we can check for dental records.
But these men were well known around the neighborhood.
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as well as the family in question.
But just tonight, I've been speaking with some local residents.
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and they seem very reluctant to say anything about these men.
Is that for fear of reprisals? I'm gonna have to say partially.
Despite its troubles.
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the Perigi family remains a force in this community.
Certainly, nobody wants to go on record identifying these men as criminals.
But you also have to realize that the community.
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These men are commanded.
They got respect from the community.
But that money.
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Does that come at a price? Uh, they're family men, and absolutely, it does come at a price.
We're talkin' business loans at up to 50% interest.
And, believe me, if you didn't pay on time.
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you won't be, uh, very lucky.
I see.
Uh, do you have any leads.
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on who might want these men dead? Right now, our best guess is it was an inside job.
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perhaps linked to the reports that an internal battle.
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- [Yelling.]
- [Continues, Indistinct.]
So wait a second.
Do you see these deaths.
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as the end of a bloody power struggle, or just the beginning? Uh, rival organizations may see this, uh, as their chance.
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to rid themselves of the Perigi family once and for all.
So what you're saying is, the community can rest easy tonight? Uh, I wish I knew, Debbie.
In the meantime.
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residents of the community will surely feel increased police presence.
We're on top of the matter, and I'd like to stress.
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that nobody in this community has anything to fear.
Thank you very much, Officer Danforth.
Again, three are dead, two are wounded.
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and the culprits are still at large.
From the corner of Anderson and Wilder, this is Debbie Woodruff.
Back to you in the studio.
And one more thing I might say.
If you can tune in this evening.
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and make sure if you have any news or any speculation on who these men might be.
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please call our studio and let us know as soon as possible.
Thank you very much.
Back to you, Bob.
- [Laughing.]
- In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me, it's a'ight to be - Hi-yah! In living color And how would ya.
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How would ya.
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How would ya f.
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How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat [Echoing.]
And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - [Turntable Scratching.]
- In living color [Laughing.]
This hearing is called to order.
We have called together this committee.
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to investigate violence on television and its effects on young people.
Miss Reno, you may begin.
Well, I feel it is only fitting to begin with the worst offender.
That's why I have subpoenaed Mr.
Wile E.
Coyote.
Yeah.
Excuse me, but my name is no longer Wile E.
Coyote.
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but Will E.
Coyote, because Wile E.
Is a mutt's name, and I am not a dog.
I think this trial is a joke, and I have been railroaded.
Mr.
Coyote, do you know why you're here? Somethin' about, you know, I didn't pay my child support or somethin' like that.
But, hey, man, it's hard for coyotes.
You know what I'm sayin', man? With this whole Jurassic Park.
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They didn't ask me to do a part.
[Barks.]
This has nothing to do with child support.
You are accused of portraying irresponsible violence on television.
Man, you know what? Why you comin' down on a workin' dog like me? You know what I'm sayin'? I mean, you know, I just don't understand you.
I go to the mall.
I have to deal with all these little kids and all this other kind of stuff.
I ain't even got no genitals.
You know how hard is it on me? Mr.
Coyote, do you have any legal representation? - Well, I certainly have.
- Is counsel present? He sure is.
- State your name for the record.
- My name is ElmerJ.
Fudd.
- I'm a warrior and a big game hunter.
- Yeah, he got skills.
He's still tryin' to get that Hooked On Phonics class goin' on.
I would like to submit that my "quient" has never ever set a bad example for children.
My quient "woves" children.
That's what I'm sayin'.
You know, 'cause like, uh.
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I used to have my own little theme park, you know.
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with, like, a little Ferris wheel and everything.
Then somebody investigated somethin' about, you know.
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I had molested a child or somethin' like that.
- But, you know.
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- He only sniffed him.
That's exactly right.
You know, we just slept together.
Nothin' ever happened.
You know what I'm sayin'? Nothin' ever happened.
We were just sleepin' together.
You know what I'm sayin'? - [Coyote Continues, Indistinct.]
- Mr.
Coyote.
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Mr.
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Mr.
Coyote! He had some honey on him.
Mr.
Coyote, you've influenced millions of kids.
How do you account for the 14-year-old boy who held up this sign.
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right before jumping off the edge of the Grand Canyon? [Scoffing.]
You're gonna blame that on me, huh? You're gonna blame that on.
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Let me tell.
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Let me tell you somethin', man.
That's some old-school stuff.
We don't even do that no more.
You know what I'm sayin'? Look, I'm just a K-9 tryin' to get paid.
Shh! Be very, very quiet.
You might "inquiminate" yourself.
[Tittering.]
Senator, children everywhere are even swallowing accordions because of this coyote.
- Aw, that's a lie.
- [Accordion Humming.]
I ain't never swallowed an accordion in my entire life.
[Accordion Humming.]
Y'all just singlin' me out 'cause I'm a brother.
- Are you insinuating racial bias here? - That's what I'm sayin'.
'Cause ain't no other 'toons out there but Daffy Duck, Heckle and Jeckle.
Hey, where's that honky Casper the Friendly Ghost? You know what I'm sayin'? - Where's Blueberry Hound and his blue ass? - You're out of order! I'm out of order? You're out of order! She's out of order! The whole damn "twial" is out of order! [Tittering.]
That's about enough, Counselor Fudd.
Now, do you have anything to say on your client's behalf? Senators, I submit to you, my quient is guilty of no "wongdoing".
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but in "actuwowity," it is the fault of the Acme Company.
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where he gets his "suppwies.
" Yeah, you tell 'em, Elmer.
Take, for example, this bird seed.
Now, look.
Mr.
Bobo would have it.
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where, uh, if a roadrunner would eat this bird seed, he'd be fine.
But if I'm chasin' a roadrunner all day.
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and then I eat a little bird seed, look at this.
- Look what happens to me.
- [Rumbling.]
Mr.
Coyote, senators, these are Earthquake Pills.
That's exactly my point.
It's "miswabeled.
" And take a "wook" at this "umbwella.
" It's very, very "fwimsy.
" Yeah.
Now, this is supposed to protect my hair from fallin' objects.
Mr.
Coyote, you can put that away.
Nothing's gonna fall on your head here.
Well, you never know when somethin' might fall on your head, because.
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Whoop! There it is! See, all I get is chuckles.
That's all I get is chuckles.
You know, I'm tired of this, man.
They're just chucklin' and laughin' at me, man.
I just want some respect.
I don't want no money, no change, you know.
- I just want a tail for my a.
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- [Man.]
You're out of order.
! Gentlemen,I find it hard to believe.
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that these lovely Acme products are at fault.
I mean, if what you say is true, I can simply come here.
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and press down on this harmless detonator with no battery and no dynamite and.
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- No! - No! [Fudd.]
I told you.
[Tittering.]
[Theme.]
You are strong.
You are beautiful.
You are perfect.
Welcome once again to the show by, for and about women.
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[Audience.]
Go On, Girl! All right.
I'm your host, Shawanda Harvey.
Many of you have read my book Eve Stands Alone.
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in which I celebrate the independence of women.
I go one step further with my new book, Adam, Take Back Your Damn Rib.
All right.
Our topic for today's show is the always controversial Madonna.
Is she helpin' to empower women, or is she allowing herself to be exploited in a man's world? Please welcome my guests.
To my right is Sandra Bernhard.
All right.
Sandra.
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you are strong, you are beautiful, you are perfect.
Oh, don't I know it, sister? I am fabulous.
And to my left is Rosie O'Donnell.
Rosie.
You are strong, you are strong, you are strong.
- Thanks, Shawanda.
You too, babe.
- All right.
Well, uh.
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Now, sisters, you both know Madonna.
Madonna and I used to be good "friends.
" But then she dumped me and decided to go slumming.
Well, uh, Rosie.
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you and Madonna were in the movie A League of Their Own.
Now, that was a celebration of the equality of women.
You bet your perfect little boobies, honey.
I think it's obvious Madonna is a perfect example.
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of a woman who has done it her way.
Believe me, baby, the slut has done it every way.
Okay? I mean, she's done it with men.
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without men, with women, without women.
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with men who used to be women, with German shepherds.
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[Rosie.]
Okay, okay.
The point is, she used men when it suited her and trashed 'em anytime she felt like it.
Well, trash is the operative word here, okay? She is trash that will not burn, sister, okay? You'll find out.
When she is through with you.
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she'll dump you like a Chevy Chase talk show.
Looks like somebody took a little bitter pill this morning.
Oh, take this, Rotunda O'Donnell.
No, no, no, no, no.
Please, sisters, sisters, sisters.
Let's try to keep this from getting personal.
Now, in the spirit of sisterhood, let's hear a "Go on, girl.
" - Go on, girl.
- Go on, girl.
All right.
We're talkin' about Madonna as a role model for other women.
Now, it would appear to me at times that.
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she seems to allow herself to be sexually exploited by men.
- I think you got that backwards.
- Oh, God.
She's done it backwards, she's done it forwards, she's done it sideways.
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You are still pissed because she dumped you for Warren Beatty, okay? Please.
I am twice the man Warren Beatty will ever be.
Maybe he's got something you don't.
That may be, big girl.
But if I don't have it, I can rent it, sister.
Well, well, well.
Now, there seems to be no way.
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to keep this discussionfrom getting personal.
The message would seem to be that it is great for a woman to be independent.
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but there's a fine line between putting men in their place and being a.
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Well, you know.
I'm Shawanda Harvey.
Good-bye, and.
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- [Audience.]
Go on, girl.
! - Go on, girl! [Theme.]
Hi, kids.
I'm Candy Cane,and welcome to the show.
"Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub, splashing and washing away.
"The butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker.
Why are all the good-looking men gay?" That's a gem.
Now, let's see if our special friend has called yet.
You know, I met him at Snookie's Bar, and he promised.
Let's ask Mr.
Phone Machine.
[Male Voice.]
Girl, now, you know ain't nobody called you.
Well, I guess the word for today is "liar.
" L-l-A-R.
Liar.
And guess what, kids? Now it's time to say hi.
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to our old friend, Mr.
Clock.
Hey, you know, just clockin' it.
- Hi, Mr.
Clock.
- What's up? - What time is it? - What time is it? It's time for you to have some kids.
You see, children, he's a biological clock.
- That's why he says all those mean things.
- Yeah, Candy.
And you need to hurry up, 'cause you ain't got enough eggs to make a two-egg omelet.
Shut up, you liar.
L-l-A-R.
Liar.
Now, tell 'em a little poem before I buy a Swatch.
No problem.
Hickory dickory dock.
The mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck eight.
You said your period was late.
The next day, he moved to the next state.
Hey! [Groans.]
And all the microsurgery in the world couldn't put him back together again.
Well, kids, now it's that time to bring a prehistoric creature.
Our old friend, Jurassic Benny.
- Hi, Candy Cane! - Hi, Benny.
Do you know what time it is? Time for your flat a.
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to have some kids.
Oh, listen, Big Ben.
If you didn't shoot blanks, I wouldn't have this problem.
Come on, everybody.
Let's do the Benny dance! Okay! Faster.
Faster.
Faster! Faster! Faster! Faster! Faster! Wait a second, Candy.
- What? - Don't you know what time it is? It's two minutes till menopause.
You should know about two minutes, Mr.
Clock.
You know something, Benny? I love you.
- Yeah? - [Grunts.]
I love you.
Yeah, well, I love you too, Candy.
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but I'm not in love with you.
[Forced Laughter.]
But you said you were gonna leave your wife and marry me.
Oh, no, I never said that.
You're a liar.
Well, you sing a different tune after a six pack and a quart of personal lubricant.
- You two-faced, double-crossing, son of a.
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- Wait a minute.
Double-crossin' what? What you talkin' about? You know I got a restraining order against you.
Now, stop talkin' all this trash, stop callin' my house.
And I know you was the one that boiled my little girl's rabbit! And you mess with myJag one more time, I'm gonna put my prehistoric foot.
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so far up your behind, you're gonna be coughin' up shoelaces.
You get out of here, and you take all your crap with you.
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Mr.
I'll Meet You At The Econo Lodge! You can take your lunch box and your album! - I don't need you! - Why don't you just hold her, man? I ain't holdin' that ho.
Liars! You're just both liars and users and insensitive pigs.
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and horny, worthless bunch of lowlifes! Well, kids, I guess it's just us.
But you're not even my real kids.
I'll never have kids.
I'm destined to pick cat hair out of my Lean Cuisine.
[Announcer.]
Join us tomorrow, boys and girls.
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for another adventurein Candyland with Candy Cane.
[Theme.]
Alice, you are never gonna believe what happened to me at work today.
Let me guess, Ralph.
You stepped on the back of a bus and it popped a wheelie.
Oh, honey.
Ha-ha.
You're a regular riot.
No.
Look at this.
Take a look.
EarlJohnson's retiring? - So? - So? EarlJohnson's a dispatcher.
That means they gotta give me his job.
An extra eight bucks a week, Alice.
On an extra eight bucks a week, we are gonna be livin' large! You've been livin' large since birth, Ralph.
Oh, that's funny, Alice.
You're real funny.
You're a regular M.
C.
Wisenheimer.
Now, listen, my boss is comin' over here tonight.
So, uh, what's for dinner? - TV dinners.
- TV dinners? TV dinners? You can't serve the head of a bus company TV dinners! You're right, Ralph.
I won't.
Alice, you better check yourself before you wreck yourself! Nice weave, Alice.
Now, step.
Step! Ralphie, my boy, you need to find yourself another freak.
Baby got back.
What can I tell you? The witch is whack.
She's whack.
Now, uh.
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So, what up, poor slice? Norton, you gotta help me.
My boss is comin' over here tonight.
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and he's black, and I don't know the first thing about being hip.
I'm gonna hook ya up.
The first thing you need to know is, uh.
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the handshake, or "dap," as the brothers call it.
- Handshake.
All right.
- Here it comes.
Uh-huh.
- Would you come on! - I'm comin' at you.
All right, here we go.
Fake, down, hup, one.
Pull it and stab it.
Oh, yeah.
Geez.
That's, uh.
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That's a lot of work to do, Norton, just to shake hands.
I think I lost about four pounds there.
Look at it this way, Ralph.
Greet 10 people a day.
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you'll be able to see your toes by Christmas.
I tell ya.
Now, I assume that he's your boss.
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and he probably went to one of them, uh, black colleges.
- Probably one of them fraternity brats.
- Yeah.
So I'm gonna show you some of their step moves.
- Now, watch closely, Ralph.
- All right.
Whoa! - Watch my remote, Ralph.
- Okay.
I'll bust a cap in your a.
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Boom! [Funk.]
- Me phi me! - Me phi me! - You phi you! - You phi you! [Continues, Indistinct.]
Would you get off the furniture! - [Knocking.]
- All right, that's him.
- What am I gonna do? What am I gonna say? - It's okay, Ralph.
- Don't worry about it.
I got you covered.
- All right, all right.
- Ah, Mr.
Williams.
- Hey, Kramden.
Sorry I'm late.
I had to come all the way across town from the suburbs.
I, uh.
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[Muttering.]
Assalaamu alaikum.
! - What? - Uh.
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Well, uh, you did go to college, right, Mr.
Williams? What are you gettin' at, Kramden? Well, uh, we just wanted to make you feel at home, if you know what I mean.
[Funk.]
- Me phi me! - Me phi me! - You phi you! - You phi you! [Both Bark.]
- [Barks.]
- [Barks.]
- Hey! - What the hell is wrong with you, man? - [Shuts Off.]
- Kramden, I'm insulted, man! - What is on your mind? - The dude is buggin, Ralph.
He's buggin'.
We thought this was the kind of thing that went on at black colleges.
As a matter of fact, I went to Princeton.
[Stammering.]
Just what I thought, Ralph.
He's an Oreo.
Princeton.
- I didn't know.
- I had no idea how ignorant you were.
I guess I'm not gonna get that dispatcher job, huh? What, are you crazy? The reason I came all the way over here tonight.
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was to ask you to speak at EarlJohnson's retirement dinner.
- Homina, homina, homina.
- Homina, homina, homina my bony ass.
You blew this one.
You can't even get that together.
Hey! Have a good night, you and Vanilla Ice.
You forgot your hat, bro.
Ralph, I know this may be a bad time.
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but is there any malt liquor in the house? - Would you get out of here! - Okay! The next time I see ya.
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you can new jack swing on my you know what! Get out of here before I get my gauge! Ralph, I just saw Mr.
Williams storming out of here.
What happened? I'll tell you what happened, Alice.
I got a big mouth! Amongst other things.
Look, Alice.
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the only reason I wanted that promotion in the first place.
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was so I could buy you a new pair ofTimberland boots and a Raiders jacket.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Oh, Ralph.
You know I'll always be your hooty mac.
Baby, you're the dopest.
[Theme.]
There are six million ways to laugh.
Choose one.
Good night! [Theme.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]