In Living Color (1990) s05e18 Episode Script

[Doorbell Rings.]
I think that's your new nanny, kids.
[Man Announcing.]
Move over, Mrs.
Doubtfire.
There's a new brother in town.
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and he's readyto do some butt-kicking.
- What the problem is! - It's Ike Turner in.
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.
Mrs.
Ikefire! He's out of work, out of moneyandjust plain out ofhis mind.
! You must be Mrs.
Ikefire.
I'm Tina.
Oh, now, you must think Mrs.
Ikefire don't know who you is.
I mean, of course I know who you is.
You used to sing with that handsome Ike Turner fella, didn't you? Yes, well, that was a long time ago.
I've sung a lot of songs since then.
Mm-hmm.
And ain't none of'em no good neither.
'Cause you ain't got no stank on 'em, see? Now, what you need to do is go on back to that handsome devil.
Devil is right.
Mrs.
Ikefire.
.
.
could you watch the children while I go to the gym? I need to keep my legs in shape.
Yeah, I bet Ike could work them thighs.
You eyeballin' me, boy? You sure have a lot of facial hair for a old woman.
Now, you watch your smart talk, son.
You think you can make a joke outta me? I'm gonna teach you 'bout respect! Wow, those knuckles look familiar.
Well, now, Mrs.
Turner, I'm gonna take that as a compliment.
Thank you.
Smell like freebase.
Oh, my God! You're on fire! Don't you think Mrs.
Ikefire know that? That what the problem is! Help me! Help! Mrs.
Ikefire needs some help! Help! You steppin' to me? Don't be hittin' on Mrs.
Ikefire, lady! I'll teach you, Tina.
[Singing.]
Hello, Mrs.
Ikefire.
This is my kitty cat, Cokie.
Coke? Who said somethin' about coke? - [Snorting.]
- You snorted my kitty cat.
That was pure, uncut kitty cat.
Mom! [Snorts.]
What the problem is! [Grunts.]
Y'all ain't doin' it right.
You got to scrub like you mean it.
Deep down from your gut.
You got to put some stank on it.
[Announcer.]
Mrs.
Ikefire.
Coming soon to a theater near you.
- [Laughing.]
- In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me, it's a'ight to be - Hi-yah! In living color And how would ya.
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How would ya.
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How would ya f.
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How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat [Echoing.]
And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - [Turntable Scratching.]
- In living color [Laughing.]
[Man Announcing.]
Live from the inner city.
.
.
it's the East Hollywood Squares.
With Oprah Winfrey, James Earl Jones.
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.
Bobby McFerrin, Rosie Perez.
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Pam Grier, Diana Ross.
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Martin Lawrence,Martin Lawrence's bodyguard.
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.
Willie Tyler without Lester.
And now the hostof East Hollywood Squares.
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.
Peter Marshall.
! Well, thank you very much.
Hello and welcome to the East Hollywood Squares.
Hello, stars.
[All Shouting Greetings.]
I want you to meet our players.
First, Sandy Wallace.
Sandy, you're a homemaker.
Is that right? - Yes, I make homes.
- That's nice.
And Dennis Beery here.
He was one of the original engineers on the Santa Monica Freeway.
That's nice.
That's correct.
We had a little trouble recently, but we're workin' it out.
Oh, that's wonderful.
You won the toss backstage.
That means you'll start.
But first let's show our home audience the secret square.
Watch this.
All right.
Now pick a star.
All right, Peter, I would like to start off with Oprah Winfrey.
- Hi, Oprah.
- Hi, Peter.
[Laughs.]
Here's your question, dear.
Listen carefully.
What are the ingredients.
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.
the ingredients of a Cobb salad? Hold on.
[Retching.]
- Okay, Peter.
- Yeah? I'll have to say, uh, lettuce.
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.
- uh, bacon.
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.
- Mm-hmm.
And, uh, blue cheese.
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and, uh, hold on.
[Burps.]
Avocado.
Sounds yummy.
Well, Dennis, do you agree or disagree? - I would have to agree.
- Uh-huh.
- [Bell Dings.]
- "X" gets the square.
All right, Sandy Wallace, it's your, uh, turn to pick a star.
- I'd like to take Bobby McFerrin, please.
- All right.
Bobby.
.
.
[Singing Nonsense.]
Would you do me a favor and just shut up? Who was the first person to sign the U.
S.
Constitution? [Singing Nonsense.]
Uh, Bobby says.
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.
[Singing Nonsense.]
You heard the man.
Do you agree or disagree? - Um, I think I disagree.
- Good for you.
- [Bell Dings.]
- Circle gets the square.
All righty.
Now, uh, over to you, Dennis.
I would like to try thatJames EarlJones fella.
Say, uh, James Earl, I understand you've added a new dimension to your résumé.
That is correct, Peter.
I have a new career.
.
.
as an impressionist, and I'm taking my act to Vegas.
Oh, really? Could we hear a little of what you're going to be doing? Why, certainly.
First Tweety Bird.
[Clears Throat.]
I "tought" I "taw" a "putty" cat.
That's terrific.
Can we hear something else? And now.
.
.
Lucille Ball.
- [Peter.]
Lucille Ball.
- [Clears Throat.]
Ricky, I want to be in your show.
Waah.
Uh, Dennis, could you do us a favor and pick somebody else? All righty.
I would like to go up to the second tier.
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.
and the beautiful Rosie Perez.
Rosie Perez.
Okay, Rosie.
Rosie, in biology.
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in biology, what is a bivalent? How the.
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.
[Beeps.]
am I supposed to know this.
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.
[Beeps.]
Peter? What do I look like.
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a.
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.
[Beeps.]
rocket scientist? Is that what I look like? Just because I got.
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.
[Beeps.]
You think you can make me look like a.
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.
[Beeps.]
idiot? You little.
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.
[Beeps.]
Uh, Rosie, I don't write them.
I just read them.
We're just looking for the definition of a bivalent.
- A bivalent? - Yes.
[Beeps.]
Okay, I'm gonna say a bivalent is a pair.
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.
of homologous synapse chromosomes associated together during meiosis.
- I disagree.
- [Buzzer Buzzes.]
Terribly sorry.
No, no.
Rosie was right.
[Beeps.]
You didn't trust me? You stupid.
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.
[Beeps.]
Sandy, your turn.
And pick a star.
I'll go with Martin Lawrence to win.
[Bell Ringing.]
Damn! I can't believe I'm the secret square! What's up? Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness.
[Blows Raspberry.]
Excuse me.
Uh, can we hurry up with this? 'Cause I got someplace I got to be.
Right.
What actor played the title role in The Cosby Show? The title role in The Cosby Show.
Damn! Damn.
Oh, man.
Gina was talkin' about that last night.
Damn.
Oh, 'cause, you know, we got to respect our black women.
You know what I'm sayin'? 'Cause I be tellin' my bitches that all the time.
Damn.
Uh, dude, what's up? Oh, my goodness.
What's up? Oh! Oh! Damn! - [Peter.]
I need a name here.
A name.
- Damn! "Da-day-day.
" Agree or disagree? - I'm gonna have to agree.
- [Buzzer Buzzes.]
No.
Terribly sorry.
Okay, Dennis.
We can't give you the "X.
" You'll have to earn that yourself.
I'm gonna go back to that crazy Martin Lawrence for the win.
- [Peter.]
You got it.
- Hey, watch your mouth.
Name a stand-up comic.
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a stand-up comic with a short man's complex.
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ears open like car doors and three minutes of his 15 minutes of fame left.
Oh, damn! Damn, you ain't right, you know.
How you gonna dis a brother like Will Smith like that? What's up? - Well, Martin says Will Smith.
- I will, uh, disagree.
- [Siren Sounding.]
- That's a good choice.
"X"gets the square and the game.
Thank you, stars.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
And join us next time here for more fun on.
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.
the East Hollywood Squares.
Peter Marshall saying bye-bye.
Yo, I got big crew.
- So what you wanna do? - What you wanna do? [Man Rapping.]
[Men Chanting.]
[Ends.]
Hello.
This is Shelly Miller reporting live from Ft.
Lauderdale for Fox News.
I'm joined today by City Councilman Bill Davis.
Mr.
Davis, how is this city holding up during spring break? Well, Shelly, the city is doin'just fine.
This time of year is always a little hectic down here in Florida.
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especially the Ft.
Lauderdale area.
But as always we are equipped to handle the onslaught.
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of tourists and college students such as they are and will be soon.
How long does the spring break season last? Well, I wish I could tell you it goes on all year.
Course that's not the case.
A lot of the year down here it's pretty dull.
.
.
and there's just a lot of people stayin' indoors watchin' TV.
But this time of year is great.
Not all the colleges take their breaks at the same time.
I've noticed a trend for the east coast colleges.
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.
to have their spring breaks earlier than the Midwestern schools do, such as they are.
What do you think motivates the east coast schools to take their vacation time earlier? Well, I don't know.
I wouldn't have any idea.
I'm not a psychic.
- [Metal Detector Buzzing.]
- But I do have a theory on the topic.
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.
and that is that it's a little colder out there.
.
.
therefore they like to get rid of that cabin fever.
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the sort that makes a man go crazy and do wild things at his home.
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earlier than, say, in the Midwest.
Because of all the bad weather, they're more likely to get away from that cabin fever quicker.
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and be away from the inclement climate, so as it is.
This seems like an important time for the economy here in Ft.
Lauderdale.
How does it compare to the rest of the year? Well, any of these students who have studied macroeconomics.
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which I have not, but I'm pretty sure that you have.
You're a very pretty lady.
Did I tell you that? They know the free enterprise system is based on supply and demand.
Most of the retail stores here.
.
.
Well, it's just like Christmastime down here.
This is our Christmas season, you might say.
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.
- except we don't have any red suits or jingle bells.
- Right.
But, uh, the next five weeks is gonna be a very big shopping year, financially speaking.
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for the people down here, such as they are.
Uh, it surprises me to hear that college students have millions of dollars to spend.
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because I remember when I was in college, I had very, very little spending money.
Well, I don't believe I said millions, but perhaps they do.
I'll tell you what it is.
It works out like this.
Now, one college student on his own.
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He'll come down here.
He'll maybe just have enough for a six-pack and someJiffy Pop.
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but you put 600,000 college students together.
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That's a heck of a lot ofJiffy Pop, if you know what I'm sayin'.
What are other ways that the students help the economy? Well, the students bring a lot of sand into the area.
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and the sand actually contributes to the sand paths here.
They just track it in from other states.
That helps the whole economy.
Now, also there's companies that try to target these students who are between 18 and 24.
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and that translates into big dollars.
They just set their headquarters up down here during the break.
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.
- That's big money for a corporate person.
- I understand.
Well, Mr.
Davis, I thank you for your time and hospitality here.
Well, thank you.
You're pretty as a peach.
Did I tell you that? I like them earrings.
My gal has a pair just like 'em.
- Well, I bought 'em here in Ft.
Lauderdale.
- Did you? That's good.
- They're probably made by one of our local craftsmen.
- That's what they said.
- All righty.
You take care now.
- Well, thank you, Mr.
Davis.
And as you look around the beach, you'll see a lot of fun and excitement.
I'm Shelly Miller here at Fox News.
Back to you.
Hey, kids! Why the long faces? - There's nothing to do! - We're so bored! [Chuckles.]
Anybody up for a game? - A game? What game? - Not just any game, Johnny.
The Dirty Dozens Home Game! [Laughing.]
That's right, folks.
Now all the excitement of America's most popular dis-fest.
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.
can be yours at home with the Dirty Dozens Home Edition.
Where talking trash gets you play cash.
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.
and you will all the money if your mama smells funny.
All right! I landed on the head! That's right.
Your category is "Your mama's so stupid.
" Your mama's so stupid.
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.
she saw a sign that said "wet floor," so she peed on it.
[Laughs.]
That's pretty good, Johnny.
All right, pumpkin, your turn.
There you go.
All right.
Your category is "Your mama's so fat.
" Your mama's so fat, I played seesaw with her.
.
.
and I ended up on the damn moon! - Damn moon, Johnny.
- And if it's high-speed dissin' you're missin'.
.
.
try the Dozens Advanced Edition.
- All right, kids, go! - [Bell Rings.]
Your mama's so fat, she uses the freeway for a Slip 'N Slide.
- [Bell Rings.]
- Your mama's so nasty, you could plant daisies in her butt crack.
- Butt crack! [Laughs.]
- [Bell Rings.]
Your mama's so fat, the ho's got a zit in her butt named Mount St.
Helens! Bring the noise! Bring the noise! Yeah! Good, Johnny! - Hey, kids, what did I tell you? - Oh, Mom! Don't you be talkin' about your mama.
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.
unless you're talkin' about the Dirty Dozens Home Game.
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.
available where all fine gifts are sold.
The Dirty Dozens Home Game.
Fun for all ages.
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.
which is exactly what they say.
.
.
about your mama! [Giggling.]
I can't believe it! Finally Mr.
And Mrs.
Dan Corwin.
I just can't believe it! Baby, I thought that reception was never gonna end.
I kept looking at you in that dress, and all I could think of was getting you out of it.
- Mm, girl.
Come here.
Come here.
Come here.
- Oooh, I can hardly wait.
- [Giggling.]
- My passion's about to explode, girl! Stop it! Did somebody say.
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"explode"? [Screaming.]
Who the hell are you, man? Fear not, young lovers.
I'm Fire Marshal Bill Burns.
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.
and I noticed your bride was gettin' a little warm south of the navel there, son.
What? This is our suite! You get the hell out of here! Keep your rocket in your pocket, Mr.
Spaceman.
You're not gettin' outta here until you learn the meaning of safe sex.
Passion can lead to carelessness! And if you're not careful, you'll be carrying your new bride across the threshold.
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.
of.
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.
pain.
Now, imagine if you will the following gruesome scenario.
I should note that it contains intense scenes that may disturb sensitive viewers.
Deal with it! It's your wedding night.
You're chomping it a bit to deflower your partner.
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but your old friends Tim and Jane Sullivan.
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have sent up a bottle of the finest champagne.
Aloha.
The finest champagne, compliments of your old and dear friends Tim and Jane Sullivan.
Call it a hunch.
Hey, what about my tip? You want a tip, huh? Never do this! [Screams.]
Doesn't that hurt? [Whimpering.]
No.
Perhaps I've been desensitized by years of television violence.
[Screams.]
- Now, you're ready to enjoy a cold drink of bubbly.
- [Groans.]
What you don't know is our friendly porter type.
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.
is distraught by the sudden cancellation of The Chevy Chase Show.
Thus distracted, he has mistakenly switched your champagne.
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with highly unstable boric acid.
[Sighs, Belches.]
[Stomach Churning.]
[Explosive Belch.]
- [Whimpering.]
- Oh, my God! That's horrible! [Grunts.]
I seem to be losing my battle with gingivitis.
- [Yelps.]
- Look, man, this is our wedding night.
If you don't leave, I'm calling security.
Listen and learn, lover loins! Or you'll be putting out your private parts with the puny pillow patties.
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.
that they stick on your bed in the middle of the night! Hey! Now, let's say your wife decides it's time to get this party started.
Suddenly the freak inside her is released.
She's possessed by the spirit of Carmen Miranda.
Suddenly and without any good reason.
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.
she decides to whip up a performance-enhancing smoothie.
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with this handy bedside juicer.
That's no juicer! That's the Magic Fingers! Don't get technical, buster.
[Laughing.]
- It's out of control! - Don't worry, folks.
Mommy, make it stop! No lover eats Popsicles in hell.
- Honey, he's possessed! - Don't worry.
I'll protect you.
- [Gurgling, Grunts.]
- [Screams.]
This looks like a good place for a Stick-Up.
Look, man, if you don't mind, I'd like to be alone with my wife! So would I, son.
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.
but I've got bigger fish to fry.
Let me show you something! Now that you're married, it's time for complete and utter honesty.
.
.
so you decide to introduce your wife to an old friend.
Honey, I'd like you to meet.
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.
Nylona.
Now you're a little scaredabout your wife's reaction.
.
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because she's got a temper like Lorena Bobbitt with menstrual cramps.
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and you don't want to spend the honeymoon.
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describing your private parts to the police artist.
So, like the loser that you are, you totally freak out.
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.
and accidentally inflate your vinyl vixen with hydrogen! - [Doorbell Rings.]
- Who could this be? Complimentary canister of inert hydrogen.
- And after 11:00 too.
- Enjoy your compressed gas.
You know we will.
[Humming.]
I love a girl who gets pumped up before sex.
Now, she's lookin' like the Madonna balloon at the Macy's Day Parade.
You throw her on the bed.
You're shufflin' around the room lookin' for your tire patching kit.
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just in case of a puncture, if you know what I mean.
[Laughing.]
What you don't know is this carpet is filled with a dangerous level.
.
.
of static electricity.
And your finger has now become a digit of death! - Oh, God, no! - Oh, God, yes.
[Groaning.]
Our honeymoon! Hawaii! Fire! Everything's gonna be all right, honey.
I'll get you to the hospital.
Don't worry, baby.
I'm a fire marshal.
I know C.
P.
R.
! Don't go into the light.
Don't go into the light! So ends another 30 minutes of total anarchy.
We'll see you next week.
.
.
or whenever else the hell they wanna put this show on! Good-bye! [Theme.]
[Continues.]