In Living Color (1990) s05e25 Episode Script

[Announcer.]
On the outskirts of Reno.
.
.
where the weather is hotand the women are hotter.
.
.
there's a little spotcalled the Mustang Ranch.
.
.
a place where prostitutionis perfectly legal.
You get to choose your partnerfrom a stable of gorgeous women.
.
.
then you can take them up to a private roomfor a roll in the hay.
But if you plan on visiting this brothel.
.
.
you better bring your rubbersand your Vista card.
Because at the Mustang Ranch,they don't let you ride without a raincoat.
.
.
and they don't take U.
S.
Express.
Vista.
.
.
It's everywhere you want to be.
- [Laughing.]
- In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me, it's a'ight to be - Hi-yah! In living color And how would ya.
.
.
How would ya.
.
.
How would ya f.
.
.
How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat [Echoing.]
And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color - You can do what you wan.
.
.
wan.
.
.
- In living color - You can do what you wan.
.
.
wan.
.
.
wan.
.
.
- In living color - You can do what you wan.
.
.
wan.
.
.
- In living color - You can do what you wan.
.
.
wan.
.
.
wan.
.
.
- In living color - [Turntable Scratching.]
- In living color [Laughing.]
Hello, everyone, and welcome to C.
J.
McDoodle's newest location.
.
.
Iocated right here in our midtown plaza.
Now don't forget to try our new flavor for the day.
It's sort of a tuna fish-Pop-Tarts-Starburst flavor.
.
.
- [Others.]
Mmm! - But it's not.
Okay.
Now, please help me in welcoming one of my favorites.
.
.
and I know he's one of yours.
.
.
let's hear it for Wile E.
Coyote! [Hip-hop.]
[Sings Hip-hop.]
Come on, kids.
You know what I'm sayin'? Yeah.
Say.
.
.
[Continues.]
Yeah.
All right.
- All right.
Kill.
Cut, cut, cut.
- [Stops.]
I no longer go by that slave, cartoon name, "Wile E.
Coyote".
.
.
but I go by "Willy Coyote".
.
.
'cause I got your back, Snoop Doggy Dogg.
Hell, yeah.
- Okay, Willy, uh.
.
.
- Hey, I hear that "patronistic" sound in your voice.
[Chuckles.]
Okay.
Well, he'll be here for another seven hours, kids.
So don't be shy.
Come up and ask a few questions, okay? - Hi, Mr.
Coyote.
- Hey, hey, hey.
How you doin'? Don't get too close.
- I know about you white women.
- My son thinks your show is so funny.
He just loves you and that little Roadrunner.
- Ha, ha.
You'll never catch him.
- Tell you what.
I'm the one that made the Roadrunner.
I caught him, but see, they don't wanna show you a brother catchin' a brother.
.
.
'cause they think I'll try to get too much on the show, understand what I'm sayin'? Why don't you run along and play on the railroad tracks somewhere while a train is comin'? You ain't treatin' me like a 'toon.
You know, I like ladies, girl, you know what I'm sayin'? You lookin' good.
Got some good lookin' legs.
Just wanna rub up against 'em.
- Hey, get off of me! - Hey.
Oh, it's 'cause I ain't got no genitals, huh? - Is that what it is? - Hey.
Hey! Hey, hey, hey.
I hired you for good, wholesome entertainment.
- Now you keep it up, and I'll take the hose to ya.
- Hey, yeah, man.
Speakin' of hose, brother, is there a tree I can raise my leg on? 'Cause I really got to let this go, you know? You should've thought about that before you punched in.
You don't get a break for another hour.
I see what's goin' on.
You gonna treat me like a 'toon? Right.
Go ahead and oppress me.
You wouldn't do this to Woody Woodpecker, now would ya, huh? I know you wouldn't.
See, that's the thing.
See, you guys are treatin'us canines wrong.
Oh, I'll say it, and I'll say it again: I didn't land on Plymouth Rock.
Plymouth Rock landed on me.
[Cartoony Slide Whistle.]
That's what I'm talkin' about, man.
Now that's good, wholesome entertainment, man.
- Ain't this a bitch? - Beep, beep! Hey, hey, hey, you.
.
.
Hey, let me tell you somethin', little kids.
I ain't like that little dinosaur Barney.
I'll break you up some.
I'll go Cujo on you little tykes, you know what I'm sayin'? - Help! Help, Security! - [Gunshots.]
Get down! Get down! Get down, y'all! - Damn! - [Gunshots.]
Whoa there, varmint! Get your flea-bitten paws off'n them kids before I shoot you to smithereenies! You was close.
Well, great horny toads, it's the Coyote.
I see you got rid of the flea collar.
Yeah, man.
You know, I went down to the clinic, you know, 'cause.
.
.
- that little bitch burned me, you know what I'm sayin'? - Yeah.
! Hi, Mr.
Coyote.
Hi, Mr.
Sam.
Could we get your autographs? - No problem.
You got a pen there, brother? - Sure.
- Here's one.
- All right, there.
Let's see.
This is a funny lookin' pen.
"Best of luck on the nine-tre, 'cause you know what's goin' on.
" Hey, ya slimy little critters, these pens don't even write! - Yeah.
- What th.
.
.
[Sam.]
I hate them kids.
[Announcer.]
Coming this week on Fox: The First Annual Infomercial Awards Show.
.
.
honoring the finest in commercialsthat try to look like real TVshows.
And now your host,"Juicy"Jay Kordich.
.
.
- and his fawning shill, Gordy.
!- [Cheers, Applause.]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
What an honor it is to be your host for the Infys.
Hey, Gordy, where are ya? Right behind ya, JuicyJay.
You're crazy.
- Yeah! - I didn't even see ya there! - Now Gordy, what's our first category? - Okay, JuicyJay.
- Tell them! - Okay, JuicyJay.
Our first award is our.
.
.
for the outstanding achievement in the field of get-rich-quick schemes.
Yeah! And the nominees are: Tommy Woo.
.
.
You Americans lazy.
I was boat person.
I still boat person, but now boat is over And all I do is have sex all day with women twice as tall as me.
And Tony Robbins, Unleash.
.
.
your Financial Giant.
I want to unleash the financial giant within you.
I know my size is alarming, but do not fear me.
In time you will realize I am a friendly giant.
.
.
much like Herman Munster, or that retarded fellow on Of Mice and Men.
Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of Fran Tarkington.
- [Chortling.]
- [Crashing.]
And the winner is.
.
.
Tommy Woo! - [Applause.]
- [Gordy.]
Yeah! - Come on up here, Tom.
- Take that! - You like me.
You really, really like me.
Too bad I don't like you.
You lazy American loser.
Your S.
A.
T.
Scores suck! Hey! Unlike your show, we don't have 30 minutes.
Now scram.
Yeah! - [Applause.]
- Let's get on with the next award, Gordy.
- Get on with it! - [Grunts.]
Uh, the next award.
.
.
is for outstanding achievement by a physically repellent infomercial host.
Now our first nominee is Lorie Davis.
.
.
who should order Susan Powter's Stop the Insanity weight loss tape.
Our second nominee is Susan Powter.
.
.
who could benefit fromLorie Daves hair care systems.
Our third nominee is Jayne Kennedy.
.
.
who should tryJayne Kennedy's California diet.
And the winner is Susan Powter and Lorie Daves! Yeah! [Applause.]
I'd like to thank, uh, everybody out there with bad problem hair.
.
.
who's made the Lorie Daves.
.
.
[Panting.]
Hair care system such a success.
I'd like to thank all the desperate, obese women out there.
.
.
who have decided to "stop the insanity" and send me their money.
That's a real nice haircut, honey.
You look like a tennis ball with a head.
- Excuse me.
Are you talking to me, Shamu? - Yes.
I am, honey.
[Grunts.]
You know.
.
.
You know, you.
.
.
you have real pretty eyes.
- You're pretty good looking for a big gal.
- [Breathing Heavily.]
- [Jay.]
Hey! Hey! - [Announcer.]
The First Annual Infomercial Awards.
Coming next week on Fox.
- Give 'em a time-out.
That's it.
Tell 'em to get a room.
- Yeah! Archie, you better hurry up.
Barney Hefner will be here any minute.
I'm just finishin'upsome important business, Edith.
[Toilet Flushes.]
Say, Edith, do me a favor there, will ya? The next time you make macaroni, chill out on the cheese, huh? It sends me to 30 minutes of hard labor there.
Hey, wait a second.
Hold on a second, little girl.
- Can I ask you a question there? - Sure, Daddy.
- What the hell are you wearin'? - It's an old Adidas school dress, Daddy.
Don't you like it? It looks more like a ripped condom there.
Now put on somethin' respectable.
I got Barney Hefner comin' over here, and if you're gonna get with him, you gotta look fly.
Daddy, I don't wanna get with him.
You want me to get with him.
By the.
.
.
what's so big about Barney anyway? Three things, little girl: One, he's got a good job.
.
.
number two.
.
.
unlike a certain ham-hock head you used to date.
.
.
he's a citizen of the U.
S.
Of"A" there.
.
.
and number three, shut up and get changed! - [Wailing.]
Ma! - [Doorbell Rings.]
Aw, geez, he's here.
- Barney, my ace boom.
Come in.
- Hey, Archie.
What's up, man? Edith, how you doin'? Hey, Barney, I'd like you to meet my daughter,Gloria here.
Get over here.
- Gloria, this is Barney, the most eligible bachelor at the plant.
- Daddy! Now I don't mean to embarrass you, Barney, but, uh, me and the guys down at the plant.
.
.
have been noticing you've been in a little slump with the hoochies lately.
And it just so happens that my little girl here.
.
.
has just got out of.
.
.
what do you call.
.
.
a"malfunctional" relationship there.
This is ridiculous, Daddy.
I will not be treated like a child.
Geez, of course not, little girl.
Now let's go out to the kitchen.
.
.
and get Barney an Old English there.
- She's a real honey there, eh, Barney? Be right back.
- I was gonna.
.
.
Uh, look.
You know, I didn't get a chance to tell Archie that I can't go out with Gloria.
- I'm already seein' somebody.
- Oh, that's too bad.
- What's her name? - Uh, Steven.
Oh.
Oh! Here's your malt liquor here you want, yeah? Here you go.
- Oh, thanks there.
Thanks.
- Gloria's out in the kitchen makin' some nachos.
- She's quite a girl, that Gloria there.
- [Laughs.]
You two will have a great time together, Barney.
Archie, I just don't think that Barney wants to push up on Gloria.
What's wrong with you, you dingbat? Gloria's dope.
- He'd have to be gay not to want to go out with her.
- [Sings Hip-hop.]
What the hell are you talkin' about? Who put such a crazy idea like that in your head? - He did, Arch.
- He was jokin' you dingbat.
Everybody knows Barney's got a crazy sense of humor.
.
.
like the time you showed up at the plant Christmas party in a dress there? - Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
- And high heels.
And panty hose.
Aw, geez! Here's some nacho.
You want another beer? Why don't you bring him a Harvey "Wallbringer" with an umbrella there? - Or better yet, just bring him Harvey.
- Huh? - Oh, Archie, chill.
Barney's your homey.
- You mean, "homo.
" And get your butt outta that chair.
God only know where it's been.
Look, man.
You are bein' ignorant, man.
I'm not ignorant, buddy.
You're the one who's ignorant.
I know my Bible there.
.
.
which says, in the beginning God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Barney.
You are talkin' crazy.
You didn't have no problem with me yesterday.
Yesterday, you wasn't a Froot Loop.
- That's it.
I'm leavin', man.
- So soon, Barney? Archie, I'm ashamed of you.
Me too, Daddy.
You've been friends for too long to end this way.
Aw, geez, you two.
Don't give me that look! Barney, we've been through a lot together, and l.
.
.
I guess you're okay.
.
.
for a pansy.
Oh, thanks, Archie.
Look, I'll see you tomorrow at the plant, all right? So, uh, l.
.
.
Oh, did I drop a quarter over there? What are you talkin' about, Barney? I don't see no quarter over here.
- Ooh, baby got back.
- Get the hell outta here! Geez! [No Audible Dialogue.]
I wanna thank all the people who helped me climb up on the ladder: Me, myself and I.
[Imitating Kissing.]
- [Cheering.]
- Deronda Hightower, are you up there? - It's Pookie.
- No.
- Girl, then who is that talkin'? - Nobody.
It's the TV.
[Imitates Switch.]
In livin' color, Liv.
.
.
Liv.
.
.
Liv.
.
.
Livin' [Imitates Switch.]
Uh, buy this today.
It's wonderful.
- [Imitates Switching.]
- Girl, that ain't no TV.
That's you.
- Let me in.
- What's the password? Um, " I didn't see nothin' when stupid old Leon pulled your, uh, underpants down.
" - Okay.
- But your mamma need to buy some Shout.
- Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! - Okay! Okay! Okay! - Let's play a game.
- Okay.
Let's play "Lorena Bobbit.
" - I'll get the scissors.
- No.
I don't wanna play that.
Okay.
What you wanna play? - Um, let's play "party.
" - Okay.
- Goin' to the party.
Party, party, party.
- Oh, here we are at the party.
Oh, don't you "bare-ass" me in front of our friends.
- You know you can't hold your liquorice.
- Girl.
.
.
- Ding, dong - You always naggin' me.
That's all you do.
Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag.
.
.
- Oh, shut up! Shut up! - See what I mean! See what I mean! [Together.]
Hello.
- Oh, what a beautiful party.
Such lovely declarations.
- Yes.
- So "effestive.
" - Yes.
I would love something to drink.
Give me a "J.
J.
" Walker with a twist of"Wilona".
.
.
and a Scottish man on the rocks with a double dip.
Don't you think that's a little bit much? Girl, why you always gotta bust my basketballs? I'm gonna go toJacoby & Myers.
They've been on my side since 1981.
I will get my own drink, thank you.
I just don't know what to do with that man.
He hasn't been the same since the Reagan "minsteration.
" Oh, and don't worry about me, baby.
I'm gonna find a man who depreciates me.
[Giggling.]
Oh, oh, you so funny.
And you cute too.
Oh! Hey, wait a minute.
Don't pinch me.
What's the big idea, buddy? Hey, wait a minute.
Hey, what are you doin'? - Let me tell.
.
.
- Hey, man, that's my woman.
Oh, no.
What have I done? [Stamps Foot.]
[Continues Stamping.]
My hero.
- Let's play another game.
- Okay.
What you wanna play? - Let's play "positive black role models on television.
" - Okay.
- Hello, everyb.
.
.
- Sorry.
You canceled.
See you, Deronda.
All right, everybody.
Take five.
[Sighs.]
Oh, man.
Come on, Ice Tray.
Where the hell are you? [Hi-hop On Speaker.]
- [Stops.]
- Say, let's get this Club on here, man.
- Hey, man.
Gotta have that Club.
- Now look here.
Forget Ice Tray, Home Base, ah, ha-ha, ah, ha-ha.
- 'Cause we are in the house.
You hear me? - Uh, man, what the hell is.
.
.
Man, I think an introduciones would be in order right now.
- I'm Clavell.
- And I am Howard Tibbs III.
- And we are.
.
.
- [Together.]
Funky Finger Productions.
- You hear me? - Sho' nuff.
Ah, ha-ha.
Let me give you one of my cards.
You know, I'm fresh out.
I must've gave the last one to, er, um, uh, Slick Rick's comin' out party.
Howard? Bam! All right, man.
Pay no attention to all that stuff, man.
Reesie's baby got boogers all over this thing, man.
That's the number.
That's my cousin Boudreau.
All right? Call anytime you want.
Now that's Pizza Hut, but don't worry about it.
Uh, what do you guys want? - Don't you know, we are rappers extraordinaire? - [Chuckles.]
Okay, look.
L-I'm sure you guys are good, but.
.
.
- I only handle O.
G.
Gangsta, original rappers.
- Well, trust me, Home B.
- You hear that? - We are bad.
- [Gunshot.]
- Put that thing.
.
.
- It's cool, man.
- Tryin' to kill somebody? - Man, have you ever heard the song, "Cop Killer"? Well, our debut single is called, "Kill the Cop and Then Jaywalk.
" Say what? Now, check out the career master-blaster plan.
Howard, would you be so kind as to do the honors.
.
.
soon as you get your thang correct? Ah, ha-ha.
Comin' at ya.
Bam! - All right now, let me tell you somethin'.
- [Taps Sign.]
- Our research shows.
.
.
- Mm-hmm.
.
.
that criminal charges can do wonders for your record sales.
Now this is our Funky Finger felony chart.
Now you see, this here is Tupac.
- Can't leave the bitches alone.
- You hear what I'm sayin'? Then we sli-i-ide on down.
.
.
Snoop Doggy Dogg with a nuclear curl.
- One well-timed drive-by, and he's platinum, baby.
- You hear what I'm sayin'? Now see, we taught Snoop Doggy Dogg everything he knows.
Raised him from a pup, man.
What was his name back then? - Scrappy-Doo.
- Say what? O-Okay.
Well, guys, if you don't mind, I'm sorry.
- I have.
.
.
- Hey, hey, hey! - [Rips.]
Uh, uh, uh, look here, man.
- Funky Finger Productions, man.
.
.
We are in, and we are down.
- Yes, that right.
- Now if you slide down to the end, here we be.
Now.
.
.
- Right there.
We go up into a market, slip a few Snicker bars in the hip pock-et.
.
.
- and we will have enough gold in our teeth to make a record.
- Uh, Security! - Uh, man, hold on, man.
Damn, that vest is bumpin'.
- Say what? You can't stop the music, Howard.
[Scatting Rhythmically.]
[Continues.]
In the grove.
[Continues.]
And freeze.
[Stops.]
Freeze.
And.
.
.
[Resumes Scatting.]
[Continues.]
Freeze.
[Stops.]
And freeze one mo' time.
And.
.
.
- Bam! - There you go.
See.
.
.
now this here is the video for the soon-to-be hit single.
.
.
"I'm Gonna Bust a Cap in your Bootay.
" Now you see, this is "R & B" on the hip-hop tip, like Bell Biv DeVoe.
You know, I love the little lead singer.
.
.
the one with the Neanderthal frontal lobe? Oh, yeah.
[Laughs.]
- Looks like a little dolphin? - Sho' nuff.
Check it out.
Come on, now.
See, focus up, man! Here we go, home skillet.
Accione.
! Kick it! [Beatbox.]
[Raps, Stops.]
- [Howard.]
Uh, yeah.
Uh.
.
.
- Uh, okay.
Oh! Ice Tray! - Oh, man! - And those the punks that tied me up.
- Get 'em! - All right, you two.
Fun's over.
Let's go.
- Come on.
Come on.
- I'm gonna get you some, man.
- Hey! Hey! Listen to me, man.
Come on! - [Yelling.]
Take it off.
Hey! Hey! Maverick recording artist Me'shell Ndegeocello, ladies and gentlemen.
[Hip-hop.]
Yo, put your hands together.
Yo, Biz, we gonna rock the house.
Yo, bound to wreck your body and turn the party up.
Check it out, uh! Whoo! Got Biz in the house.
I'm live in Living Color.
Ain't that right? [Rapping.]
[Continues.]
[Singing With Backing Track.]
[Rapping.]
[Backing Track Singing.]
- [Continues.]
- Yo, all right, Biz.
Hey.
[Rapping.]
So crank up the track.
[Continues.]