In The Cut (2015) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Really? Anybody wants to get a cut? Because there's no wait for my chair.
They're smarter than that.
They'd rather wait and get a decent cut.
(chuckles) Smitty, you talking about being smart? You so dumb, it take you two hours to watch "60 Minutes.
" (laughs) It'd worked out a lot funnier if you'd had said, "You so old, you was around the time that joke was written.
" All right, all right, look, Kenny, if you're looking for something to do, go mop, man.
No, man, I'm cool.
I'm just waiting for somebody get a trim.
Hey, homie, what about you? No, no, you're not cool.
Go on over here and mop the floor, Mr.
Apprentice.
Look, I signed up to be a barber's apprentice, not a janitor.
And I guess you don't remember I own this whole damn place.
You're still going through barber school, all right? So get to mopping.
Man, it's not fair.
I'm always the one mopping up.
Mm, is that is that mop water or Jay's cologne? Well, look, if it isn't the wicked witch of the east.
Dorothy went that way.
Yeah, well you gonna follow her and let the wizard try to get you a brain.
Now, Kenny, come on now, you need to put down one of those yellow signs because somebody might slip.
Why can't Smitty do it, man? I'm always doing everything.
Because Smitty got customers.
Your mama got customers.
What you say about my mama? Look, little man, I will walk over there and whoa! (screams) Smitty, are you okay? And the next time he say something about my mama, it's gonna be his ass on the ground.
Agh! I promise you.
(theme song plays) Hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey (laughs) You should have been there.
Smitty was all wiling over, being all, "What'd you say about my mama?" Then all of a sudden, bam! He slipped and fell like a ton of bricks.
- (laughs) - Y'all talking about me? No, no, no man, we're talking about the other Smitty, you know, who slipped and fell and broke his arm and leg.
(laughs) All right, laugh it up, laugh it up.
But don't expect me to share any of my painkillers with you.
Hey, Smitty, look, man, I really feel bad about what happened, man.
So I got you this.
No hard feelings? Man, didn't you already get him chocolates and flowers? Oh, uh, Smitty does put out on the first date.
Don't pay him no mind.
I appreciate it.
No hard feelings.
All right, man.
Let me get that No, no, I got it, I got it.
Should you be mixing alcohol with painkillers? Shouldn't you be minding your own business? Now who wants a cut? You, you next.
Come on! - I'm fine! - All right.
Here, here, uh, let me help you, man.
Leave me alone! Leave me alone! (buzzing) - Ooh! - Wow.
Cut me some slack, man, I ain't left-handed.
Man, listen, you sure you don't want to take a few days off? - It's cool.
- Are you kidding, man? I still got hospital bills to pay.
Listen, your insurance policy doesn't cover that? Oh, man, don't get me started on my insurance.
Hey, hey, I'm s hey.
Come on, man.
No, I still got insurance.
It's just that after deductible and all that small print mumbo jumbo, I still owe thousands.
Man, you better tip well, son.
Yeah, uh, wow, it's like that? Oh, yeah, damn hospital keep blowing air conditioning then charge you for every blanket they use.
Well, I got an insurance policy.
I'm not sure what they cover.
Well, you better figure it out before something happens.
Yeah, since we're on the subject, when's the last time you got a check-up, Jay? What? Who me? You know, like March or April.
That's not that bad.
Of '94.
'94? Are you kidding me? Jay, man go get yourself checked out.
I want you to be here for a while.
- I just met your ass.
- Kid's right.
Oh, well, now you want me to be alive.
Last week you told me to drop dead.
And I meant it, and don't ever text my sister any pictures like that again.
Why? She has unlimited texting.
Hey, I'm getting pretty good at cutting with my left hand.
On second thought, maybe not.
You weren't too good with your right either, partner.
- Hey, where you going? - Restroom.
I gotta go, too.
Can you help me? Hell, no.
What's the matter with you? Oh, I just got back from my insurance agency.
And? Well, it turns out that my policy is garbage.
It barely covers anything beyond a Band-Aid.
And the worst of all, my premiums are gonna triple on my birthday in two months.
Turns out that I'm high-risk.
- You gonna switch providers? - Yeah.
To which one, I don't know.
I got to figure it out, though.
- I only have two months.
- Two months? Wow, that's not a long time.
No, not at all.
You know, but I'm glad I went.
You know, uh, gives me a chance to get everything in order, you know, sorted.
Yeah, yeah, well, that's a good thing.
Most people don't even get that.
So you gonna talk to Kenny about it? No, no, man, I don't want him to worry about it, you know? He'll start treating me differently.
Treating you differently? Yeah, like an old man who needs help with this paperwork.
But you know, the good thing is my checkup went really well.
- Yeah? - Yeah, yeah.
You better get used to this face, Smitty.
because I'm gonna be around for 100 years.
You know what? I think I'm gonna text your sister the good news.
You know she's getting a restraining order on you.
I don't care.
She loves me.
Jay's dying.
He's gonna die.
Breathe, breathe.
Now, what's going on? Jay just had his checkup, and I overheard him saying that the doctor said he only has two months left to live.
My God.
That is, like, so sad.
But he's, like, so old, so that makes sense.
Old? I'm nearly his age.
I know, that's what I said, "old.
" Well, look, I'll I'll just go over there.
Wait, wait, wait, I'm sure Jay doesn't want any of us to know.
He doesn't want to be treated differently.
That's just like Jay typical, selfish.
He's dying, and it's all about him.
Mmm-mmm, I'm with Jay on this one.
Nobody likes to be pitied.
Then how come when you and Gary broke up, you came in sobbing every day, screaming, "Take pity on me, take pity on me"? Because that was an especially tough breakup, and I don't appreciate you bringing it up.
You only dated for like two weeks.
Which is like six months in gay time.
And just what is exactly is this "gay time?" Well it's just like regular time except for when the big hand touches the little hand, the little hand touches back.
Man, nobody wanna hear all that.
Nadine, what are we gonna do? Well, we just gotta make sure that Jay has the best two months possible.
- That's all we can do.
- All right.
Let's treat him to lunch.
Oh, yeah, yeah, let's but can you treat us both to lunch? I mean, I'm the one whose alimony is about to dry up.
- I wanna go to lunch, too.
- I could eat.
No, Pharrell.
(laughs) What is this all about? Why are you two looking at me so funny? What, what, I can't sit here and take my only pops out to lunch? Am I not allowed to look at one of the greatest loves of my life? Who wants gumbo? Gumbo? Gumbo today? I love your gumbo, Mabel.
I know you do, baby.
I caught the crabs as soon as I heard.
Heard what? Uh that you was coming by today.
Oh.
You always were my favorite customer.
Still are.
You let me tease you.
Wouldn't let me do nothing else.
But you always were my favorite customer.
Now that gumbo's on the house, all right? All right, well, in that case, I'll take seconds.
(laughs) (Mabel sobbing) Jay: April! Yes? - Yeah, uh - Anything I can get you? - Yeah - Anything at all.
- Yeah, I'm dying for a - (whimpers) Root beer.
(voice breaks) It's coming up.
It's coming up.
What's wrong with her? Maybe her braid's too tight, boy problems, I don't know.
She wouldn't have those problems if you would get with her.
I'm telling you, Ken, life is too short.
You'll always regret squandering opportunities.
Oh, Jay, why weren't you this wise when we were married? I was this wise if you would just shut up and listen.
Maybe you're right, Jay.
Maybe I'm right? What is wrong with you, woman?! Jay, so is there anything that you wanted to do but just never got a chance? Yeah.
Janet Jackson.
(laughs) I mean, something more on the lines of Like a bucket list, you know, before I die? What? No! Die? Nothing like that.
Something more like you could do when you want to live, man! Uh I can't think of anything.
You never wanted to travel anywhere? I mean, me visiting other countries has been a great experience for me.
Well, you know, I have been thinking about visiting Saudi Arabia.
- Ahh.
- Really? Yeah, Janet Jackson moved there.
- With her husband? - Semantics.
Oh, well, it's about time.
(Chuckles) I'm not gonna live forever, you know.
Oh, man, I can't.
I'm taking my break! Thank Wow, you're really getting good with that left hand, huh? You ambidextrous? Hell, no, I like women.
No, ambidextrous is never mind.
I don't have time to explain.
You know what? Just hold on, I gotta look this over.
Oh, that your insurance stuff? Yeah, yeah, my buddy Troy, he really hooked me up with some great policies.
Health insurance, renter's insurance, life insurance man, if I croak, my benefactors, they gonna be loaded.
That's why they're being so nice to me.
Who being nice to you? Nadine and Kenny.
Oh, those conniving sons of bitches! Yeah, how dare they be nice to you? Nice? They're being the complete opposite of nice.
They're plotting to kill me.
What in the world would make you think Kenny and Nadine are trying to kill you? I can't believe I didn't see this yesterday.
I don't think I see it now.
Come on, Smitty, it's the oldest trick in the book.
They're being extra nice to me, and when my guard's down, they strike! You are way too paranoid.
What's the next thing? You start thinking I'm trying to kill you? Why would you kill me, huh? If I die, you get nothing.
Wow.
I think that hurt more than breaking my arm and my leg.
Hey, Smitty, your car's being towed.
What? But I'm handicapped.
I'm entitled to park in a blue zone.
But you parked in the red zone.
I can't help that I'm color blinded.
Here.
Help! Help! Somebody call the police.
Tell them a white man's car being towed! What's up, Jay, you want me to finish that shave up? No, you know what? I think Smitty, he's got enough he's got enough done.
Don't be ridiculous, man, I got you.
I know like how these things feel in your hand.
Go ahead.
Well (chuckles) Cutting me pretty close, aren't you? You want a close shave, don't you? Mm-hmm, yeah, uh, listen, son I do mean "son" listen, if your mother had told me about you sooner, I would have been there for you, you know that, don't you? - Sure I do.
- Yeah.
But that doesn't matter now.
I'm just glad I got a chance to know you.
"Got to"? There's still plenty of me to get to know.
Plenty! Have I ever told you I love you, son? Wow.
Really? Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
I love you, too.
(chuckles) Agh! That's right! Ah-ha! (laughs) Never let your guard down.
What are you talking about? you know damn well what I'm talking about.
(screams) - (gasps) - I'm sorry.
What the hell are you doing here? I didn't mean to scare you.
Ken gave me the key.
Why? Well, I figured, two single guys living alone, you can't get that many home-cooked meals.
Well, you never cooked for me when we were married.
Look, you want the damn catfish or not? - You got catfish going on? - Mm-hmm! See? Taste it.
You taste it first.
All right.
What you looking at? Trying to see if you gonna drop dead.
Very funny.
Jay, we need to talk.
Yeah, we we do need to talk.
All right, you first.
Look I know.
You know what? Don't play games with me, Jay.
It's me, all right? I know.
Ken told me.
I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
Look, I understand.
You don't want to be treated differently, but you're terminal.
That's a fact.
So you need to just give up and give in and share that with the people who care about you.
Terminal? What oh oh.
That feels great, yeah.
(Laughs) Doesn't that feel nice? Oh, that feels nice.
Yeah, so open up and let people in.
Let them in, let them oh, a little to the right.
Yeah, got a little crook there.
Yes.
Look, I know we have our differences, but I love you, Jay, and I just want you to know I will do anything anything you want to help you transition on.
Anything? Mama.
(sighs) Man I have officially sunk to the lowest of lows.
Whatever it is, Jay, it can't be that bad.
I slept with my ex-wife.
That's bad.
Here, take my pain pills.
You're gonna need them more than I do.
If these don't work.
I got a shotgun in the back.
All right, remember, let's not overwhelm him.
Kenny's right, now we just want Jay to know that we're all here for him no matter what.
That don't mean we all gotta sleep with him, does it? What? He just ain't my type.
Isabel, can't you keep one damn secret? Not something that gross.
He need somebody to sleep with? I volunteer.
What? That is no different than what the Make-A-Wish does for those poor kids.
Hey, here he comes.
Everybody hide! No wait, wait! I mean just do whatever.
All right, Mabel, what's the damn emerg All: Surprise! (laughs) What the hell is this? Oh, Jay, we just want you to know that you don't have to go through all this alone and we pooled our money together and got you this.
Round trip tickets for a palace in Saudi Arabia.
- What? - All inclusive food, drink, spa treatment, and read a review that said Janet Jackson stays there sometimes.
(laughs) Wow! You really do care about poor old Jay, huh? Yeah, man.
Bring it in, y'all.
(all chattering) Hey, hey! Jay? I also wrote you a poem.
Listen to this.
"Roses are red, violets are blue " Hold that thought, I gotta run to the little barber's room.
Real quick.
- All right.
- Leavin' on his way to death.
Sorry I'm late.
Y'all.
Did I miss the, uh What are we doing here again? We're throwing Jay a going-away party.
Oh yeah, cool, cool.
Where he's going? To a better place.
Maui? He's dying, you stupido.
He's dying? Jay's dying?! Ohh! Take me, Jesus! Take me Wait a minute, remember, you knew this already.
The other day Jay told you he had two months to live and you was like, "That's not a lot of time?" The other day? Oh, no, no, no, he was saying he had two months left to switch insurance providers.
What?! Wait, you mean that jackass isn't terminal? No, no, no, he's healthy as a horse.
- I think I'm gonna throw up.
- So Jay's not dying? Oh, he's dying, I'm gonna make sure he's gonna die.
When he ate your cooking, that's what he thought you was trying to do to him.
All right, all right, where were we? Oh, April, you were reading your poem.
That was mighty fast.
Did you even wash your little nasty hands? No, I ain't reading no damn poem.
(stammers) Look, you'd make an old, sick old man real happy.
Oh, I'll finish her poem.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm gonna beat the living crap out of you.
That's not cheering me up.
Who's next, huh? Anybody else got a present for me? Isabel.
(Chuckles) Let me see that beautiful smile.
They know you're not dying.
They they do? (chuckles) Well, I'm gonna take off now.
Thank you for the little party and I cannot believe I let you sleep with me.
And I cannot believe I considered letting you sleep with me.
To hell with that.
I'll still sleep with you.
What? (Grunting) Yeah, uh, listen, Nadine, I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.
It's like taking candy from a baby, only it was more stale old candy from a real old, old baby.
Man, give me these tickets back.
What was you thinking? What were you gonna do in two months when you didn't die? Well, I thought you'd all be so happy I survived, you wouldn't question it.
(all chattering) Wait, wait, wait, wait! I can't keep up with who thought who was dying or who was lying to who about what, where? But I do know we all love Jay.
And if he's healthy, shouldn't we all be happy? I'll be happy when I run over Jay with my car.
Hold on, man, hey, look, Smitty's right.
Jay, what you did was wrong, brother, but it all brought us closer together, and, hey, maybe that was a good thing.
So here, I still want you to go on your trip.
Plane leaves tomorrow.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, Kenny.
At least somebody cares about me.
I'm just gonna take off before Nadine bites my head off! That was so nice of you, Kenny.
Not that he deserves it.
Wasn't that nice.
I got the return ticket.
He's gonna have a lot to think about when he's stranded in Saudi Arabia.
- Oh! - I like the way you think! Love you! I love you!