In With The Flynns (2011) s01e01 Episode Script
Santorini
For anyone who loves For anyone who feels I'm never giving u-u-u-p Until the dream is real Until the dream is real.
Tommy, I've got two hours between shifts, can we watch something else? It's 4.
30 in the afternoon.
Noel Edmonds opening boxes is the only game in town.
Feel free to help out, by the way.
Not my house, Liam, I wouldn't want to impose.
I'm just working so hard at the moment.
Tell me about it.
What do you mean? You've never done a day's work in your life.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Hi, Uncle Tommy.
All right, lad.
Mum gone to work yet? Not yet, but you don't want to talk to her.
She's lost it.
Mum, what you doing? Nothing.
Is your arm stuck? No.
Are you holding a bird? No, I It's nothing.
Where is she? She's standing outside on the front doorstep.
What are you doing? It's freezing! It's just such a lovely day.
I can't believe you've started smoking again.
I've not started smoking again.
I've had a couple of cigarettes.
In between them I've completely stopped.
Well, you're killing yourself.
Says you! You're the one who got me started.
Which kid wears a shirt this size? That's mine.
Can you sew a button on? Sew your own button on, you lazy sod.
What are you on about, lazy? I'm the one babysitting your kids while you two are off gallivanting to work.
Maybe we are working too hard, Liam.
Come on, we need the money.
We are so close to our dream holiday to Santorini.
I know, but maybe it's not worth it? No, no! I'm not doing another two weeks in that caravan.
Wait, here we go.
We can go to the pictures.
Great.
What's on? Toy Story! The new one? Even better it's the first one, where it all began! That film's older than me.
Yes, but this one is on the big screen - at Rhyl Civic Centre, eh? Is it in 3D? Well If you include the dimension of time, Steve, yes, it is.
Oh, hey, look! It's stopped raining.
We can go down the beach.
RUMBLING THUNDER AND RATTLING What's that? Hail.
I know that caravan's not paradise, but it's cheap.
Means we don't have to work extra shifts.
I've hardly seen the kids all week.
Yes, yes, the kids are fine.
And they're going to love us for giving them the best holiday of their whole lives.
Hi, Chlo! How you doing? What's been happening? Why won't she talk to me? Have I done something? You know teenage girls, not happy unless they're sulking.
I'm not having this.
Oh, my God! What did you do to your tongue? Nothing.
What? LISPS: I pierthed it, OK? No! No it is not OK.
Well, thorry.
You'll jutht have to get uthed to it.
Come back here, you.
You can't make me.
I could if I found a big enough magnet! There is no way she's keeping that thing! I know, I know, I know, but if you go up there now there'll be a big fight.
You know, there's more subtle methods.
What, like doing nothing about it? Just go to work, leave it to me.
I'll sort it.
Go on.
Mikey, what've you got? Pasty.
It was free at Bob's Bakery.
Really? Yeah, they just leave them out the back at the end of the day.
Nice and crunchy.
Mikey, Mikey, whoa, whoa, Mikey! We've got a rule in this house.
We don't eat from bins.
You never told me that! We didn't think we had to, love.
It's like drinking out of the toilet.
Great, another rule! W-w-w, he'll be fine.
If I know Bob's, the danger's more in the pasty than the bin! See, this is what happens when we neglect our children.
They're turning feral! You're just stressed.
Come here, come on! You know what you need? A couple of weeks lying on a beach.
You know they've got Kids' Club? That's eight whole hours when LEGALLY they're someone else's responsibility.
Chloe won't go to Kids' Club.
Chloe won't get through the airport metal detectors, I wouldn't worry.
A-a-a-ahem! BOTH: Woo! Oh, look at you Dad! Hello, Jim, you're looking very dapper! You see, if you've got the eye, and access to all the right car boot sales, you can dress like Prince Philip for under a fiver.
I thought you went car booting to sell stuff, not buy it.
Well, there's often a lull in the proceedings and if I dress like this when I'm selling, it can make my merchandise more appealing.
You sell bits of old lawnmower and football programmes.
You don't sell the steak you sell the sizzle.
Thank you.
See, he gets it! And it's just as well I'm dressing like this because at my most recent sale I met a rather attractive lady.
Yeah, she was after a cable for her obsolete printer.
Amstrad you say? Well, I don't know much about computers, but I might have something in here.
How about this? This is it exactly! How much did you say it was? I didn't.
I suppose it's just a question of how much you're prepared to spend, Mrs, er? It's Miss.
Is it? Well, in that case you've just saved yourself 75 pence! Well, Jim, there's not many women could resist that! You sly old dog.
How much did you charge her? Well, it's irrelevant now.
We're going out on a date.
Come on.
ã1.
50! Well, I couldn't give it to her could I? She'd feel beholden.
I could've got three quid for it, if I wanted.
Ooh, someone's in love! Well, I'm pleased for you, Jim.
About time you met someone nice.
She's coming round in a minute.
What from? The chloroform? Round here! I just thought you'd, er, like to meet her, see what you think.
I haven't had many friends since Mum died.
She won't replace us will she, Daddy? I could replace you with a face drawn on a balloon.
Right, I'm off to the lav! HE SINGS Oh, good for him! Give him something to do.
It's not healthy for a man to spend so much time at an allotment.
And produce so little veg.
Right, I need to get back to work.
Liam, will you speak to Chloe? Aye, will do.
And Mikey about the bin thing.
Check.
At least Steve's not giving us any problems.
Yeah! What? Nothing.
Tommy, what? Nothing.
I just remembered something that a person said, once.
Liam, is there a problem with Steve? No.
Yeah.
No.
Look, see, problem's the wrong word.
Difficulty.
It's just, he's got into a bit of a scrape at school.
You scratched my DS.
I-I-I'm sorry, it was an accident! You scratched it.
I'm going to take special interest in you.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Liam, that's not a scrape, that's bullying.
Sorry, does anyone mind if I have this? Knock yourself out.
It's from Bob's by the way.
I can't believe you didn't tell me about this.
Don't worry, no-one got hurt.
Well, not that time.
It happened again? Sort of.
That's my locker.
Oh, dear, now you've scratched it.
Right, forget work.
I'm going down to that school, staff might still be in.
No need, I've dealt with it.
Without telling me? Yeah, I didn't want to worry you.
So what did you do? Well, I dealt with it, in a very appropriate manner.
Sister Mary, listen I've got office hours, Mr Flynn.
I work during office hours.
So do I.
I don't know what set up you've got going on these days, but my son Steve is getting the snot beaten out of him on a daily basis.
This is the last thing I need.
I'm under a lot of pressure.
Why's that? Me and the wife are working ridiculous hours, to take the family on holiday.
We're going to the Med, Santorini.
OK, Steve.
Well, I need you to identify the children who've been doing this.
And by the way, Santorini is in the Aegean, it's not in the Med.
Well, I can't tell on them.
It's some kid called Dylan.
Yes, it is in the Med, I've got the brochure.
And I've been there.
Perhaps you didn't take it all in? Comprehension was never your strong suit.
Is it Dylan Coghlan? They let you go to Santorini? If by, "them", you mean God, yes, he does let me go to Santorini.
Wow.
Where do you think a nun should go for her holidays? Ireland? You won't tell Dylan I grassed him up, will you? I will take care of everything, Steve.
Hope you'll enjoy your trip to the Aegean.
It's the Med.
Aegean.
It's the Med.
Aegean! It is the Aegean.
Yeah, I know, I Googled it.
It's all sorted.
There's not been a problem since.
DOORBELL RINGS Oh, hello, that could be Dad's date.
If you're looking for your ciggies, they're in that kitchen drawer.
Hello? Hello? It's Theresa, Jim's friend.
Welcome, welcome.
Hiya, I'm Liam, Jim's eldest.
Oh, lovely to meet you.
And I'm guessing you must be Tommy.
Ah, you guess correctly, Theresa.
Enchante.
Your perfume is exquisite.
Actually, I think that might be Brasso.
Ah! Brasso, the magic elixir that can turn a tarnished bit of tat into something that wouldn't look out of place on, er, Cash In The Attic.
You do have a way with words.
Have you done any writing? Just police statements, you know.
There's usually an element of fiction! Oh, you're here! Oh, sorry.
I was in the lav, er, the bathroom and I rather lost sense of time.
Oh, erm, I do hope my two lads have behaved themselves.
They've been charming.
So, where are you two off to? He's taking me to Altrincham, to an antiques fair.
Oh, posh.
Oh, hello.
Oh, this is Caroline, my daughter-in-law.
Hello, dear.
Have we met before? I don't think so.
Well, come along, Theresa, your carriage awaits.
Looks like Dad's struck gold there.
Hey, think she's really into him.
I've got a sixth sense about these things.
She's a nun! You what? Oh, I can't remember her name! She used to teach us girls at St Jacobs.
How can she? She's not wearing a penguin suit! Half the nuns at that school don't wear the habit.
She had a crucifix on.
Sister Theresa! Theresa! Yeah, that's her name.
We're going to have to tell him before he goes for second base.
Could be ages before he makes a move.
I think you're underestimating our father.
Who knows what he's up to now? Out there, on the top deck.
They're not getting the bus.
I think you understood my reference.
Someone's got to tell him.
Bagsy not me! I'll tell him! I'll speak to him, as well as Chloe and Mikey.
All right, love, see you later.
See you.
Better get in myself.
Listen, Tommy, could you do me a favour? Yeah.
Chloe listens to you.
Can you have a word about this tongue piercing? It's fine, I already have.
Have you? Yeah, couple of days ago.
It was me that recommended the place.
You did what? Yeah, that's where I had my piercing done, innit.
And how long did that last? Five, six minutes?! Yeah, very nice.
Very nice indeed.
Oh, yes.
Agh! Yeah, it was a bit of a health hazard, I suppose.
Can you talk to her again? This time get her to take it out! Yeah, no probs.
Right, I'm going.
Oh, and listen, remember, no sugary snacks, no friends round, no PlayStation - not until the chores are done.
Yes, I'll tell them! I meant you.
All right, niece? Have you come to tell me I'm thtupid too? No! Just wondering why you got your tongue pierced? I had no thioce.
Had no what? No thioce.
I had no thioce.
You had? No thioce! No toys? I had to get it done, OK? That piercing looks well cool.
You think that's cool? Yeah.
You did it to impress a lad? How does that count as no choice? He wath going to ask Tharah Watthon, she's thsposed to be theeing Thteven Baxthter.
If he's thingle Yeah, fine, I get it! You had no choice.
It was thcary, actually.
You can't live your life trying to impress other people.
Tho, does that include Mum and Dad? Yeah.
Well, do you think I should take it out and thtart to conform? Well, I don't know I mean I mean, after the traumatic experienthe I thuffered.
Yes, you keep it in.
Thanksth, Uncle Tommy.
Yeah, that's fine, it's good.
It's a good chat, yeah.
Nephew, how's school? Getting better? Well, not really cos what happened was OK, shush, shush.
Come and tell your Uncle Tommy.
Step into my office.
ALARM CLOCK BEEPS No! No, no it can't be! I've only just gone to sleep.
What were you doing then? I waslooking at the birds.
Caroline, you said you stopped smoking yesterday.
Come on, Liam, it gives me a chance to treat myself a bit.
That's what the holiday's for.
Yet the holiday won't kill you.
Really? I'm starting to think it might.
You have no idea how stressful these extra shifts are.
Oh, you think driving a forklift truck isn't stressful? Driving around in a little car stacking boxes? It's basically go-karting with a bit of Tetris thrown in.
More like a life and death game of Jenga! Yet I manage to stay off fags.
Yeah, the thing is, Liam, you deal with boxes, I deal with people.
Ooh, people! "Hello, Sir, here's your room key.
" How stressful's that? Er, yesterday was a nightmare! OK, sir, I understand you're upset, but I suggest you open the windows, and don't rub it into the carpet any more, OK? I'll send someone up now to deal with it.
Amy, we've got a code orange on the second floor.
Can you take care of it? I'm not allowed to do those any more.
Health and safety.
God! Don't ask! D'you want one? Oh, no, I don't, thanks.
I'm just getting some fresh air.
Maybe just a drag.
Thanks.
Oh, I've missed you.
You see? It was basically forced on me.
She forced you to buy another pack, did she(?) Yeah.
Oh, you've got a serious problem.
Oh, look, don't open Brenda's box! Come on, she's got the hundred grand! Tommy, what a varied life you lead.
Yeah.
After a while you get the knack for this, you know.
Wait.
A hundred grand, what'd I tell you? This is a repeat, innit? Yeah.
Have you told your Dad about the nun thing yet? I'm waiting for the right moment.
You'd better get a move on.
He's going out with her in a minute.
So, er, what do you all think of Theresa then? OVERLAPPING COMPLIMENTS We had a marvellous time at the antiques fair.
I tell you, she's a, she's a gift from heaven.
I think it might be more of a loan.
You what? What's going on? Dad We're not sure Theresa likes you in the way that you think.
What does that mean? Well, she likes you, but think you'll find that you're not the main interest in her life.
You mean I've got a rival? Yep, and he doesn't drive around in a second-hand Vauxhall Astra.
Are you telling me she's got another bloke? No, not Not so much a bloke, it's more of a Super-being.
Not Roy from the dry-cleaners? No, your rival isJesus.
What? She's a nun, Dad.
A nun? She can't be, I mean, she's normal! She used to teach me at school.
I recognised her straight away.
Well, why's she being so flirty with me then? Dad, she wasn't being flirty with you.
She just feels sorry for you.
She just looks on me as some sad, pathetic old man? We think so, yeah.
So, she's not looking upon me as a sexual being at all? Well, I don't think anyone has for a while, really.
Thanks very much for telling me.
Er, she's waiting outside in the car.
I'd better go and see what she has to say.
Is that your idea of breaking it to him gently? It's-it's an unusual situation.
There's no easy way to say it.
"You are no longer a sexual being"? I didn't say that.
Neither did I.
I was just agreeing.
You've got a visitor.
Ah, Mrs Cooper! Long time no see.
Tommy Flynn, I believe you still owe me an English essay.
What can we do for you? Thanks for walking me home, I'll be all right from here.
Mr Flynn, as Steven's Head of Year, I thought I'd come in person and update you on our bully problem.
Oh, good.
The bully's your son.
What are you talking about? Steve's not a bully.
He'd never hurt anyone.
He was was being picked on.
Not any more! I kicked some serious arse! Steve, we don't use that sort of language.
Come in the kitchen.
Let's make Mrs Cooper a cup of tea.
We won't be a moment.
What's happening in school? Nothing.
If it's nothing, what's Mikey, Mikey, just give us a minute please, son.
All right.
Wait! What are you eating? Mulligatawny soup.
You're not supposed to go near the cooker.
I didn't! They were handing it out at the Community Centre.
My parents aren't bad, they're just busy.
ALL: Ahhh! You can't do that.
That food's for the homeless.
Well, if that's how they eat, put me on the streets.
No, your begging days are over! So, first I'm not allowed to root through the bins, and now I'm not allowed to beg for food? Mrs Cooper's getting a bit antsy, if you could Yeah, I just want to hear Steve's side first.
What, what are you doing hitting people? I had to.
After you got Sister Mary involved, Dylan was really after me.
How did Dylan even find out? Well, let's say Sister Mary's Witness Protection Scheme DOESN'T really work.
Dylan won't bother you again, Steve.
(I'm going to get you!) Oh, God.
Why didn't you tell us? You weren't here.
So, yesterday I went to Uncle Tommy.
I just happened to be around.
You see this bloke here, he's not looking for a fight, no, he's full of inner peace.
But these blokes here, they're from the Hunan province, right? They're going to push him too far, for now he's just sat there, he's taking it.
They're laughing at him, but he's sat theretaking it.
He's taking it .
.
taking it .
.
take It's a bit boring, actually, let's fast forward Right, there's two basic principles to all martial arts - surprise and misdirection.
Now, say you were going to kick me, right? Come at me.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You're being too obvious.
This is how Jason Statham would do it, yeah? Now, well, this is a traditional boozer Boom! He's down, look! He's not getting up! Why? Because I misdirected him by saying hello to this fella and then surprised him during the middle of the traditional boozer speech.
Well, all right, so what you're saying is Ugh! Yeah, well, you learn quickly.
I could really go for a nice cold Ugh! Finish him! Leave him, he's had enough, he's had enough! You see what's happening, Liam.
Tommy's raising our son.
No, no, he was just Liam! Tommy is raising our son.
A simple thank you would be nice.
I didn't ask you to talk to Steve.
I know.
You asked me to talk to Chloe.
I did that as well.
You asked him to talk to Chloe? We had a good chat, very persuasive.
She's taking the stud out? No, SHE'S very persuasive.
She's keeping it in.
Right, the holiday's off! No, no, come on, we're almost there.
Just stay strong.
Excuse me, Mr Flynn, I haven't got all day.
Steve has got involved in something, but this isn't like him.
What happened in the playground today was a very ugly scene.
I wasn't looking for trouble, but kick a hornet's nest and you're going to get stung.
Well, well, well.
Reading a book, eh? You really think you're it, don't you? Now, you're really testing my inner peace.
I'm sorry, Steven, I'm not sure that's quite how it happened.
Well, I didn't actually I saw it.
Either way, it's a good job.
No, it's not a good job.
Fighting's stupid! Doesn't solve anything.
I'm so sorry, Mrs Cooper, we're going to deal with it.
I can promise you it won't happen again.
I hope not.
I'm going to be keeping my eye on Steven.
Chloe, Chloe, just go upstairs a minute, love.
Why? What's that in your tongue? Nothing, Mith.
Well, if I see that in school, you'll be suspended.
Oh, don't be too harsh on her, Miss.
She's got problems at home.
No, she hasn't! Yeah, mother's an addict.
Father, he's never really around.
I would blame the parents.
It'll be the parents who signed her permission slip.
Her what? She's 15.
She'd need a permission slip to have her tongue pierced.
Well, I certainly never signed a permission slip.
Neither did I.
Oh! Ohhang on! Sorry I'm late, lads, I overslept.
Just get some crisps or something for your breakfast.
I'm not hungry.
Get some anyway.
It's the most important meal of the day.
Can you sign this? I've got a trip to the Science and Industry Museum.
I'm running late, love.
Here.
Mikey, did you get some food? No! Get something on the way.
You lied to me? We are going to The Thience and Induthtry Mutheum.
You inferred the two thingth were connected.
You can infer that you're grounded.
And that piercing comes out now.
Tho unreathonable! She have never got that past me if I was working normal hours.
Exactly! Look, I'm going to leave you alone now.
I'm sure you've got things you need to discuss.
Yes.
Thank you.
You won't have any more problems with Steve, or Chloe.
Did I see Theresa Philbin in a car outside your house? Oh, Sister Theresa, yeah.
I haven't seen that one since she left the Order.
Yeah, well, it's Since what, sorry? She left.
About ten years ago.
She left? Can she do that? They're nuns, Mr Flynn.
It's not the Cosa Nostra.
So, she's a non-nun? Yeah, yeah, she is now.
Bye then.
I didn't want to tell him in the first place.
What are you doing? Ringing work, someone else can take my shift.
Oh, come on, Caroline! All right, fair enough! Adios, Santorini.
No holiday, no smoking.
Deal? Deal.
DOOR SLAMS All right, Dad, you're back early.
Well, there wasn't much to say, was there? Er, what did you say, Jim? I gave it to her straight.
I said she was a black widow spider, spinning her web of enticements.
And what was it leading towards? Not to any physical gratification, oh, no! Because I'm not a sexual being! Whoa.
All she wanted was to do was feel good for helping an old man with burgeoning prostate problems.
Well, I told her, I said, "I won't be another notch on your chastity belt.
" Andwhat did she say? She looked a bit confused, to be honest.
Then she just stormed off.
She didn't say anything else? No.
Right.
The thing is, Dad Yeah? It was probably for the best.
Yeah.
Well, I was getting sick of antiques anyway.
Right, I'm off to the pub.
It wouldn't have lasted anyway.
She'd have moved on.
Yeah.
If she didn't stick with Jesus, what chance did he have? Hey, d'you know? I think this caravan's bigger than last year.
Yeah, I think you're right.
Oh, sorry, love.
Sorry, love.
Yeah, this is well better than Santorini.
We dodged a bullet there.
Constantly having to put on sun cream.
Aye, and drinking too much cos the wine's so cheap.
Mum, Dad, we found a dead mouse! I think that cat's bringing them as a present.
Yeah, don't bring it in, love.
Come on, get in.
Dad, can I go to the fair tonight with Gary? Who's Gary? All right? I'll have her back by two o'clock.
No, Chloe, I think you'll be staying in with us tonight.
Urgh! I hate you! Oi, who's that? Oh, it's raining again.
Oh, well, who's for Monopoly? ALL: Oh, no, please! Come on! I'm a car.
Your mum's a dog! Way-hay! Come on, cheer up.
I know it's going to be all right Forever I'll be by your side For everyone you love For everyone you feel I'm never giving up Until the dream is real.
Tommy, I've got two hours between shifts, can we watch something else? It's 4.
30 in the afternoon.
Noel Edmonds opening boxes is the only game in town.
Feel free to help out, by the way.
Not my house, Liam, I wouldn't want to impose.
I'm just working so hard at the moment.
Tell me about it.
What do you mean? You've never done a day's work in your life.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Hi, Uncle Tommy.
All right, lad.
Mum gone to work yet? Not yet, but you don't want to talk to her.
She's lost it.
Mum, what you doing? Nothing.
Is your arm stuck? No.
Are you holding a bird? No, I It's nothing.
Where is she? She's standing outside on the front doorstep.
What are you doing? It's freezing! It's just such a lovely day.
I can't believe you've started smoking again.
I've not started smoking again.
I've had a couple of cigarettes.
In between them I've completely stopped.
Well, you're killing yourself.
Says you! You're the one who got me started.
Which kid wears a shirt this size? That's mine.
Can you sew a button on? Sew your own button on, you lazy sod.
What are you on about, lazy? I'm the one babysitting your kids while you two are off gallivanting to work.
Maybe we are working too hard, Liam.
Come on, we need the money.
We are so close to our dream holiday to Santorini.
I know, but maybe it's not worth it? No, no! I'm not doing another two weeks in that caravan.
Wait, here we go.
We can go to the pictures.
Great.
What's on? Toy Story! The new one? Even better it's the first one, where it all began! That film's older than me.
Yes, but this one is on the big screen - at Rhyl Civic Centre, eh? Is it in 3D? Well If you include the dimension of time, Steve, yes, it is.
Oh, hey, look! It's stopped raining.
We can go down the beach.
RUMBLING THUNDER AND RATTLING What's that? Hail.
I know that caravan's not paradise, but it's cheap.
Means we don't have to work extra shifts.
I've hardly seen the kids all week.
Yes, yes, the kids are fine.
And they're going to love us for giving them the best holiday of their whole lives.
Hi, Chlo! How you doing? What's been happening? Why won't she talk to me? Have I done something? You know teenage girls, not happy unless they're sulking.
I'm not having this.
Oh, my God! What did you do to your tongue? Nothing.
What? LISPS: I pierthed it, OK? No! No it is not OK.
Well, thorry.
You'll jutht have to get uthed to it.
Come back here, you.
You can't make me.
I could if I found a big enough magnet! There is no way she's keeping that thing! I know, I know, I know, but if you go up there now there'll be a big fight.
You know, there's more subtle methods.
What, like doing nothing about it? Just go to work, leave it to me.
I'll sort it.
Go on.
Mikey, what've you got? Pasty.
It was free at Bob's Bakery.
Really? Yeah, they just leave them out the back at the end of the day.
Nice and crunchy.
Mikey, Mikey, whoa, whoa, Mikey! We've got a rule in this house.
We don't eat from bins.
You never told me that! We didn't think we had to, love.
It's like drinking out of the toilet.
Great, another rule! W-w-w, he'll be fine.
If I know Bob's, the danger's more in the pasty than the bin! See, this is what happens when we neglect our children.
They're turning feral! You're just stressed.
Come here, come on! You know what you need? A couple of weeks lying on a beach.
You know they've got Kids' Club? That's eight whole hours when LEGALLY they're someone else's responsibility.
Chloe won't go to Kids' Club.
Chloe won't get through the airport metal detectors, I wouldn't worry.
A-a-a-ahem! BOTH: Woo! Oh, look at you Dad! Hello, Jim, you're looking very dapper! You see, if you've got the eye, and access to all the right car boot sales, you can dress like Prince Philip for under a fiver.
I thought you went car booting to sell stuff, not buy it.
Well, there's often a lull in the proceedings and if I dress like this when I'm selling, it can make my merchandise more appealing.
You sell bits of old lawnmower and football programmes.
You don't sell the steak you sell the sizzle.
Thank you.
See, he gets it! And it's just as well I'm dressing like this because at my most recent sale I met a rather attractive lady.
Yeah, she was after a cable for her obsolete printer.
Amstrad you say? Well, I don't know much about computers, but I might have something in here.
How about this? This is it exactly! How much did you say it was? I didn't.
I suppose it's just a question of how much you're prepared to spend, Mrs, er? It's Miss.
Is it? Well, in that case you've just saved yourself 75 pence! Well, Jim, there's not many women could resist that! You sly old dog.
How much did you charge her? Well, it's irrelevant now.
We're going out on a date.
Come on.
ã1.
50! Well, I couldn't give it to her could I? She'd feel beholden.
I could've got three quid for it, if I wanted.
Ooh, someone's in love! Well, I'm pleased for you, Jim.
About time you met someone nice.
She's coming round in a minute.
What from? The chloroform? Round here! I just thought you'd, er, like to meet her, see what you think.
I haven't had many friends since Mum died.
She won't replace us will she, Daddy? I could replace you with a face drawn on a balloon.
Right, I'm off to the lav! HE SINGS Oh, good for him! Give him something to do.
It's not healthy for a man to spend so much time at an allotment.
And produce so little veg.
Right, I need to get back to work.
Liam, will you speak to Chloe? Aye, will do.
And Mikey about the bin thing.
Check.
At least Steve's not giving us any problems.
Yeah! What? Nothing.
Tommy, what? Nothing.
I just remembered something that a person said, once.
Liam, is there a problem with Steve? No.
Yeah.
No.
Look, see, problem's the wrong word.
Difficulty.
It's just, he's got into a bit of a scrape at school.
You scratched my DS.
I-I-I'm sorry, it was an accident! You scratched it.
I'm going to take special interest in you.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Liam, that's not a scrape, that's bullying.
Sorry, does anyone mind if I have this? Knock yourself out.
It's from Bob's by the way.
I can't believe you didn't tell me about this.
Don't worry, no-one got hurt.
Well, not that time.
It happened again? Sort of.
That's my locker.
Oh, dear, now you've scratched it.
Right, forget work.
I'm going down to that school, staff might still be in.
No need, I've dealt with it.
Without telling me? Yeah, I didn't want to worry you.
So what did you do? Well, I dealt with it, in a very appropriate manner.
Sister Mary, listen I've got office hours, Mr Flynn.
I work during office hours.
So do I.
I don't know what set up you've got going on these days, but my son Steve is getting the snot beaten out of him on a daily basis.
This is the last thing I need.
I'm under a lot of pressure.
Why's that? Me and the wife are working ridiculous hours, to take the family on holiday.
We're going to the Med, Santorini.
OK, Steve.
Well, I need you to identify the children who've been doing this.
And by the way, Santorini is in the Aegean, it's not in the Med.
Well, I can't tell on them.
It's some kid called Dylan.
Yes, it is in the Med, I've got the brochure.
And I've been there.
Perhaps you didn't take it all in? Comprehension was never your strong suit.
Is it Dylan Coghlan? They let you go to Santorini? If by, "them", you mean God, yes, he does let me go to Santorini.
Wow.
Where do you think a nun should go for her holidays? Ireland? You won't tell Dylan I grassed him up, will you? I will take care of everything, Steve.
Hope you'll enjoy your trip to the Aegean.
It's the Med.
Aegean.
It's the Med.
Aegean! It is the Aegean.
Yeah, I know, I Googled it.
It's all sorted.
There's not been a problem since.
DOORBELL RINGS Oh, hello, that could be Dad's date.
If you're looking for your ciggies, they're in that kitchen drawer.
Hello? Hello? It's Theresa, Jim's friend.
Welcome, welcome.
Hiya, I'm Liam, Jim's eldest.
Oh, lovely to meet you.
And I'm guessing you must be Tommy.
Ah, you guess correctly, Theresa.
Enchante.
Your perfume is exquisite.
Actually, I think that might be Brasso.
Ah! Brasso, the magic elixir that can turn a tarnished bit of tat into something that wouldn't look out of place on, er, Cash In The Attic.
You do have a way with words.
Have you done any writing? Just police statements, you know.
There's usually an element of fiction! Oh, you're here! Oh, sorry.
I was in the lav, er, the bathroom and I rather lost sense of time.
Oh, erm, I do hope my two lads have behaved themselves.
They've been charming.
So, where are you two off to? He's taking me to Altrincham, to an antiques fair.
Oh, posh.
Oh, hello.
Oh, this is Caroline, my daughter-in-law.
Hello, dear.
Have we met before? I don't think so.
Well, come along, Theresa, your carriage awaits.
Looks like Dad's struck gold there.
Hey, think she's really into him.
I've got a sixth sense about these things.
She's a nun! You what? Oh, I can't remember her name! She used to teach us girls at St Jacobs.
How can she? She's not wearing a penguin suit! Half the nuns at that school don't wear the habit.
She had a crucifix on.
Sister Theresa! Theresa! Yeah, that's her name.
We're going to have to tell him before he goes for second base.
Could be ages before he makes a move.
I think you're underestimating our father.
Who knows what he's up to now? Out there, on the top deck.
They're not getting the bus.
I think you understood my reference.
Someone's got to tell him.
Bagsy not me! I'll tell him! I'll speak to him, as well as Chloe and Mikey.
All right, love, see you later.
See you.
Better get in myself.
Listen, Tommy, could you do me a favour? Yeah.
Chloe listens to you.
Can you have a word about this tongue piercing? It's fine, I already have.
Have you? Yeah, couple of days ago.
It was me that recommended the place.
You did what? Yeah, that's where I had my piercing done, innit.
And how long did that last? Five, six minutes?! Yeah, very nice.
Very nice indeed.
Oh, yes.
Agh! Yeah, it was a bit of a health hazard, I suppose.
Can you talk to her again? This time get her to take it out! Yeah, no probs.
Right, I'm going.
Oh, and listen, remember, no sugary snacks, no friends round, no PlayStation - not until the chores are done.
Yes, I'll tell them! I meant you.
All right, niece? Have you come to tell me I'm thtupid too? No! Just wondering why you got your tongue pierced? I had no thioce.
Had no what? No thioce.
I had no thioce.
You had? No thioce! No toys? I had to get it done, OK? That piercing looks well cool.
You think that's cool? Yeah.
You did it to impress a lad? How does that count as no choice? He wath going to ask Tharah Watthon, she's thsposed to be theeing Thteven Baxthter.
If he's thingle Yeah, fine, I get it! You had no choice.
It was thcary, actually.
You can't live your life trying to impress other people.
Tho, does that include Mum and Dad? Yeah.
Well, do you think I should take it out and thtart to conform? Well, I don't know I mean I mean, after the traumatic experienthe I thuffered.
Yes, you keep it in.
Thanksth, Uncle Tommy.
Yeah, that's fine, it's good.
It's a good chat, yeah.
Nephew, how's school? Getting better? Well, not really cos what happened was OK, shush, shush.
Come and tell your Uncle Tommy.
Step into my office.
ALARM CLOCK BEEPS No! No, no it can't be! I've only just gone to sleep.
What were you doing then? I waslooking at the birds.
Caroline, you said you stopped smoking yesterday.
Come on, Liam, it gives me a chance to treat myself a bit.
That's what the holiday's for.
Yet the holiday won't kill you.
Really? I'm starting to think it might.
You have no idea how stressful these extra shifts are.
Oh, you think driving a forklift truck isn't stressful? Driving around in a little car stacking boxes? It's basically go-karting with a bit of Tetris thrown in.
More like a life and death game of Jenga! Yet I manage to stay off fags.
Yeah, the thing is, Liam, you deal with boxes, I deal with people.
Ooh, people! "Hello, Sir, here's your room key.
" How stressful's that? Er, yesterday was a nightmare! OK, sir, I understand you're upset, but I suggest you open the windows, and don't rub it into the carpet any more, OK? I'll send someone up now to deal with it.
Amy, we've got a code orange on the second floor.
Can you take care of it? I'm not allowed to do those any more.
Health and safety.
God! Don't ask! D'you want one? Oh, no, I don't, thanks.
I'm just getting some fresh air.
Maybe just a drag.
Thanks.
Oh, I've missed you.
You see? It was basically forced on me.
She forced you to buy another pack, did she(?) Yeah.
Oh, you've got a serious problem.
Oh, look, don't open Brenda's box! Come on, she's got the hundred grand! Tommy, what a varied life you lead.
Yeah.
After a while you get the knack for this, you know.
Wait.
A hundred grand, what'd I tell you? This is a repeat, innit? Yeah.
Have you told your Dad about the nun thing yet? I'm waiting for the right moment.
You'd better get a move on.
He's going out with her in a minute.
So, er, what do you all think of Theresa then? OVERLAPPING COMPLIMENTS We had a marvellous time at the antiques fair.
I tell you, she's a, she's a gift from heaven.
I think it might be more of a loan.
You what? What's going on? Dad We're not sure Theresa likes you in the way that you think.
What does that mean? Well, she likes you, but think you'll find that you're not the main interest in her life.
You mean I've got a rival? Yep, and he doesn't drive around in a second-hand Vauxhall Astra.
Are you telling me she's got another bloke? No, not Not so much a bloke, it's more of a Super-being.
Not Roy from the dry-cleaners? No, your rival isJesus.
What? She's a nun, Dad.
A nun? She can't be, I mean, she's normal! She used to teach me at school.
I recognised her straight away.
Well, why's she being so flirty with me then? Dad, she wasn't being flirty with you.
She just feels sorry for you.
She just looks on me as some sad, pathetic old man? We think so, yeah.
So, she's not looking upon me as a sexual being at all? Well, I don't think anyone has for a while, really.
Thanks very much for telling me.
Er, she's waiting outside in the car.
I'd better go and see what she has to say.
Is that your idea of breaking it to him gently? It's-it's an unusual situation.
There's no easy way to say it.
"You are no longer a sexual being"? I didn't say that.
Neither did I.
I was just agreeing.
You've got a visitor.
Ah, Mrs Cooper! Long time no see.
Tommy Flynn, I believe you still owe me an English essay.
What can we do for you? Thanks for walking me home, I'll be all right from here.
Mr Flynn, as Steven's Head of Year, I thought I'd come in person and update you on our bully problem.
Oh, good.
The bully's your son.
What are you talking about? Steve's not a bully.
He'd never hurt anyone.
He was was being picked on.
Not any more! I kicked some serious arse! Steve, we don't use that sort of language.
Come in the kitchen.
Let's make Mrs Cooper a cup of tea.
We won't be a moment.
What's happening in school? Nothing.
If it's nothing, what's Mikey, Mikey, just give us a minute please, son.
All right.
Wait! What are you eating? Mulligatawny soup.
You're not supposed to go near the cooker.
I didn't! They were handing it out at the Community Centre.
My parents aren't bad, they're just busy.
ALL: Ahhh! You can't do that.
That food's for the homeless.
Well, if that's how they eat, put me on the streets.
No, your begging days are over! So, first I'm not allowed to root through the bins, and now I'm not allowed to beg for food? Mrs Cooper's getting a bit antsy, if you could Yeah, I just want to hear Steve's side first.
What, what are you doing hitting people? I had to.
After you got Sister Mary involved, Dylan was really after me.
How did Dylan even find out? Well, let's say Sister Mary's Witness Protection Scheme DOESN'T really work.
Dylan won't bother you again, Steve.
(I'm going to get you!) Oh, God.
Why didn't you tell us? You weren't here.
So, yesterday I went to Uncle Tommy.
I just happened to be around.
You see this bloke here, he's not looking for a fight, no, he's full of inner peace.
But these blokes here, they're from the Hunan province, right? They're going to push him too far, for now he's just sat there, he's taking it.
They're laughing at him, but he's sat theretaking it.
He's taking it .
.
taking it .
.
take It's a bit boring, actually, let's fast forward Right, there's two basic principles to all martial arts - surprise and misdirection.
Now, say you were going to kick me, right? Come at me.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You're being too obvious.
This is how Jason Statham would do it, yeah? Now, well, this is a traditional boozer Boom! He's down, look! He's not getting up! Why? Because I misdirected him by saying hello to this fella and then surprised him during the middle of the traditional boozer speech.
Well, all right, so what you're saying is Ugh! Yeah, well, you learn quickly.
I could really go for a nice cold Ugh! Finish him! Leave him, he's had enough, he's had enough! You see what's happening, Liam.
Tommy's raising our son.
No, no, he was just Liam! Tommy is raising our son.
A simple thank you would be nice.
I didn't ask you to talk to Steve.
I know.
You asked me to talk to Chloe.
I did that as well.
You asked him to talk to Chloe? We had a good chat, very persuasive.
She's taking the stud out? No, SHE'S very persuasive.
She's keeping it in.
Right, the holiday's off! No, no, come on, we're almost there.
Just stay strong.
Excuse me, Mr Flynn, I haven't got all day.
Steve has got involved in something, but this isn't like him.
What happened in the playground today was a very ugly scene.
I wasn't looking for trouble, but kick a hornet's nest and you're going to get stung.
Well, well, well.
Reading a book, eh? You really think you're it, don't you? Now, you're really testing my inner peace.
I'm sorry, Steven, I'm not sure that's quite how it happened.
Well, I didn't actually I saw it.
Either way, it's a good job.
No, it's not a good job.
Fighting's stupid! Doesn't solve anything.
I'm so sorry, Mrs Cooper, we're going to deal with it.
I can promise you it won't happen again.
I hope not.
I'm going to be keeping my eye on Steven.
Chloe, Chloe, just go upstairs a minute, love.
Why? What's that in your tongue? Nothing, Mith.
Well, if I see that in school, you'll be suspended.
Oh, don't be too harsh on her, Miss.
She's got problems at home.
No, she hasn't! Yeah, mother's an addict.
Father, he's never really around.
I would blame the parents.
It'll be the parents who signed her permission slip.
Her what? She's 15.
She'd need a permission slip to have her tongue pierced.
Well, I certainly never signed a permission slip.
Neither did I.
Oh! Ohhang on! Sorry I'm late, lads, I overslept.
Just get some crisps or something for your breakfast.
I'm not hungry.
Get some anyway.
It's the most important meal of the day.
Can you sign this? I've got a trip to the Science and Industry Museum.
I'm running late, love.
Here.
Mikey, did you get some food? No! Get something on the way.
You lied to me? We are going to The Thience and Induthtry Mutheum.
You inferred the two thingth were connected.
You can infer that you're grounded.
And that piercing comes out now.
Tho unreathonable! She have never got that past me if I was working normal hours.
Exactly! Look, I'm going to leave you alone now.
I'm sure you've got things you need to discuss.
Yes.
Thank you.
You won't have any more problems with Steve, or Chloe.
Did I see Theresa Philbin in a car outside your house? Oh, Sister Theresa, yeah.
I haven't seen that one since she left the Order.
Yeah, well, it's Since what, sorry? She left.
About ten years ago.
She left? Can she do that? They're nuns, Mr Flynn.
It's not the Cosa Nostra.
So, she's a non-nun? Yeah, yeah, she is now.
Bye then.
I didn't want to tell him in the first place.
What are you doing? Ringing work, someone else can take my shift.
Oh, come on, Caroline! All right, fair enough! Adios, Santorini.
No holiday, no smoking.
Deal? Deal.
DOOR SLAMS All right, Dad, you're back early.
Well, there wasn't much to say, was there? Er, what did you say, Jim? I gave it to her straight.
I said she was a black widow spider, spinning her web of enticements.
And what was it leading towards? Not to any physical gratification, oh, no! Because I'm not a sexual being! Whoa.
All she wanted was to do was feel good for helping an old man with burgeoning prostate problems.
Well, I told her, I said, "I won't be another notch on your chastity belt.
" Andwhat did she say? She looked a bit confused, to be honest.
Then she just stormed off.
She didn't say anything else? No.
Right.
The thing is, Dad Yeah? It was probably for the best.
Yeah.
Well, I was getting sick of antiques anyway.
Right, I'm off to the pub.
It wouldn't have lasted anyway.
She'd have moved on.
Yeah.
If she didn't stick with Jesus, what chance did he have? Hey, d'you know? I think this caravan's bigger than last year.
Yeah, I think you're right.
Oh, sorry, love.
Sorry, love.
Yeah, this is well better than Santorini.
We dodged a bullet there.
Constantly having to put on sun cream.
Aye, and drinking too much cos the wine's so cheap.
Mum, Dad, we found a dead mouse! I think that cat's bringing them as a present.
Yeah, don't bring it in, love.
Come on, get in.
Dad, can I go to the fair tonight with Gary? Who's Gary? All right? I'll have her back by two o'clock.
No, Chloe, I think you'll be staying in with us tonight.
Urgh! I hate you! Oi, who's that? Oh, it's raining again.
Oh, well, who's for Monopoly? ALL: Oh, no, please! Come on! I'm a car.
Your mum's a dog! Way-hay! Come on, cheer up.
I know it's going to be all right Forever I'll be by your side For everyone you love For everyone you feel I'm never giving up Until the dream is real.