Insatiable (2018) s02e09 Episode Script


Please Please let me go.
I can't.
Not until we take care of the problem at hand.
What do you mean, the problem? What have I ever done? You ruined my happily ever after with the Bobs.
With the Bobs? What are you talking about? [SIGHS WISTFULLY.]
They're my destiny.
It was love at first sight.
Bob you're beautiful.
I knew we were meant to be, from the first time I saw them kiss.
After that, I followed them everywhere.
I kept trying to introduce myself.
do as a gay couple not involving go-go boys and strobe lights.
No! No! No! What if one of those big, beefy bear-men followed us home to try and force us to double-team them? A boy can dream.
Roxy, what are you doing here? [RUDY.]
But I kept getting cockblocked.
And then you were the biggest cockblocker of all.
I couldn't figure it out.
What did you have that they both wanted so badly? Except it turns out you didn't.
Bob, it's not gonna work.
It's time to choose.
But if I choose, either way I lose.
Well, if you don't choose, you're gonna lose us both.
I can't.
You had actually done me a favor.
They were both so heartbroken, I could finally make my move.
First one Bob, then the other.
I was getting so close.
But then you got pregnant and ruined my plan.
If they find out about the baby, you might all end up back together.
No! No, I don't wanna get back together with them.
You don't have to do this.
You do not have to kill me.
Oh, I'm not a murderer.
I'm making you get an abortion.
What? No, this is not your decision to make! Sorry about that.
This has been a little last minute.
I had to separate my medical tools from my taxidermy stuff.
This is a bad plan.
When I get out of here and the Bobs find out what you've done, they're gonna hate you forever.
Not if I get them to fall in love with me before they find out.
That's crazy! They're gonna come looking for me.
Then I guess it's a good thing I'm texting them from your phone.
"Need a break from all the drama.
Good luck at the debate.
I'm taking a much-needed vacay.
Text me when it's done.
At least with Coralee gone, I finally had a quiet place to think.
I was running out of time.
Thank God you are here! The debate is today, and I need my campaign manager! Listen.
You absolutely positively have to beat Bob Barnard.
- I know.
- No.
If you lose, - he's gonna drain Gator Bog.
- Yeah, I wish I had thought of that.
That Law & Order, that is a real platform.
There are bodies in that swamp, Bob! Bodies of men.
What the hell are you talking about? [ANGIE.]
I had to protect Patty, which meant fudging the truth.
When I was in Brazil, I accidentally got two kilos of coke in my tits, and some drug lords came to get back their product and, long story short, I killed them.
What the hell? Was it genetic? Okay, I did not understand a word of what you just said.
You killed people.
How? [ANGIE.]
If I told him I used his gun, he might crack under the pressure, and I needed him to win.
With their machete.
Patty wasn't there, was she? Oh! No, Patty was not there.
She had nothing to do with it.
Didn't know anything about it.
As long as you win like you're supposed to, she's never gonna know.
But Come on, Bob! I'm finally in a good place with her.
I cannot let her watch me go to jail.
You have to win.
Please! How? I don't have a platform! What are you talking about? - The debate is in two hours.
- No shit.
Okay! Okay, come on.
Uh Okay.
We can do this.
Um What are you good at? [SIGHS.]
I don't know! Applying concealer.
Matching pocket squares to ties.
I mean, how the hell is Mr.
Makeover going to compete with Mr.
Law & Order? I think I have an idea.
I had gotten out of prison and had come home to the crown.
I couldn't think about death or destruction or prison.
I had to focus on my future.
I was facing the biggest pageant of my life, and I didn't have a coach.
- So, I called in reinforcements.
Thank God you're here.
My mom left me $10,000 of her titty money, and we have to go shopping for Miss American Lady.
Oh, my God.
What's wrong? Nonnie, are you okay? I didn't get into John Jay College.
I got the letter this morning.
Nonnie I'm so sorry.
My life is over.
I'm single.
I have no future.
Hey, that's not true.
You can apply somewhere else.
I can't.
They somehow found out I bribed your attacker into telling me who paid him off, so now my ethics are in question.
- Oh, my God.
This is all my fault.
- No, it's not.
It was my decision.
I messed up my own future.
But yours is still bright.
So let's go shopping.
- Miss American Lady.
- No.
You sacrificed your dream to protect me.
Which means, for once, my dream can wait.
Today is about you.
Whatever you want to make you feel better.
A ghost tour of Atlanta? So much for leaving death and destruction behind.
But Nonnie loved horror movies like I loved Drew Barrymore, and this was Nonnie's day.
Welcome, boys and ghouls, to the Ghost Tour of Atlanta.
My name is Jade.
I'm Patty.
This is Nonnie.
Is it just the two of you? Uh, yeah.
I love an intimate group.
Don't worry.
If you get too scared, I'm here to protect you.
Ladies first.
Whoo! Dude, she's totally hitting on you.
Dude, she's totally just doing her job.
No, dude.
She's flirting.
See? Your life isn't over.
I don't know.
Look I can't get you into college, and I can't fix your broken heart, but I can teach you all about using outside validation to numb your feelings.
Come on! Let me be your wing woman today.
Let's get your groove back.
The first stop is the ghost of Marietta.
Ooohh! "As a former prosecutor, y'all know my stance on law and order.
It is the crux " Ready to crush Bob Armstrong at the debate? Honestly, I'm nervous.
I never thought Bob could win, but he's been rising in the polls ever since his dad decided to back him.
Remember what you used to always say to me before every pageant? "Barnards never lose.
" I miss those days.
Me too.
Especially being in front of an audience.
You could be today.
I'd be a lot less nervous if you were up on stage with me.
And what if Brick and I did some magic tricks at the debate? Like a halftime show? It'd be great promotion for our YouTube channel.
Yeah Unless it's weird for you that Brick's my assistant.
Oh, it's fine.
- It's not Brick's fault his dad's a tool.
Let me make some calls.
Yay! Thanks, Dad.
You're the best.
Hey, I haven't seen any of your videos.
What are you calling your channel? Literally Black Girl Magic.
I like it.
Literally Black Girl Magic.
That's my girl.
Ready to order yet, Ostrich? I'm an emu, you dumb bitch! The deadliest bird on Earth.
Now piss off.
Oh, oh, hey! Hey, you! [IMITATING BIRD CALLS.]
Over here! Yoo-hoo! Leave me alone, Ostrich.
I'm lookin' for my friend.
It's me.
And I'm an emu.
What's with the costume? I'm still on the lam.
I've been hiding out at a Furry Convention the past couple of weeks.
You'd think, but there's a reason they hide in cute costumes.
I can't believe you broke out of prison, girl.
I'm so proud of you.
You always told me, winners win at any cost.
So let's go win back our Tampoozle money from that C-word, Coralee.
I wish there was money.
I needed to find Dixie and buy back her love.
There's no cash to get.
Coralee's barely moved any product.
Then let's go steal back the product.
Oh, girl! My cousin's sister-wife owns a whole mess of those rest stop vending machines.
She'll buy our inventory, cash up front, and sell 'em up and down the Georgia coast.
That's a good idea.
The Atlantis is the oldest cemetery in the state.
Fun fact: Margaret Mitchell, the woman who wrote Gone With The Wind, was almost buried here twice.
She's definitely out of my league.
Stop that.
You're just as much of a catch as she is.
Cozy up to her.
Compliment her.
Show her you're interested.
I can't.
I have zero game.
Game can be learned.
Up ahead is where, in 1937, nine-year-old twins Roy and Sara Kagan walked in and they never came out.
- [GASPS.]
- Their bodies were never found, but their spirits still haunt this place, angry their parents never looked for them.
People say sometimes the twins' favorite red ball shows up in the graveyard.
Should we take a look? [HUMS KNOWINGLY.]
Go, go.
Now's your chance.
I'll stay here! I'm too scared! [PHONE BEEPS.]
Christian's phone.
While Nonnie was off chasing ghosts, mine were threatening to catch up with me.
"Earth to Christian! Please let us know if you're alive.
But I'm not alive.
Am I? Bet you wish no one was looking for me, like those twins.
You're not real.
You're not real.
"Hey, sorry for ghosting.
Money is tight.
Had to shut off my phone and go off the grid.
LA is dope.
I think I'm gonna stay out here for good.
" You can't keep texting my parents forever.
I just got out of prison.
I'm not going back because of you.
Patty! Look what we found! - The twins' red ball! - [PATTY.]
Great! Is it time for lunch? It's time to debate! Hello, Masonville! [CHEERING.]
I'm Bella Danvers, the proud host of Masonville's longest running morning show, Good Morning Masonville, and it is a good morning because you are in Masonville! But today, I'll be moderating our mayoral debate in anticipation of tomorrow's election.
I'm happy to say that two white men are running, which [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
I find refreshing.
Do you really think we came up with a good platform? I hope so.
Otherwise, I can end up behind bars.
No pressure.
Thanks, Ang.
Real encouraging.
You want a pep talk? [BELLA.]
intellect, integrity and leadership skills [SIGHS.]
You have done more for my daughter in the six months you've known her than I did in 18 years.
In a lot of ways, you're a better parent than I am.
You're strong.
You're loyal.
You're resilient.
If those voters see half the man that I see, you're gonna win by a landslide.
Angie Also, if you need, like, a little extra help [STAMMERS NERVOUSLY.]
Are you crazy? You could get us arrested, and Brick is coming! Put it away! Uh Are you sure it's a good idea to put it next to your stitches? I bought two for one coke tits and killed a bunch of drug dealers.
I think the good idea ship sailed a long time ago, Bob.
Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.
I was looking for Mom.
Oh Mama's taking some time away.
Didn't she tell you? - No.
- Rudy should be here by now.
- I hope nothing's wrong.
- And without further ado, please welcome candidate Bob Armstrong, joined by his son, Brick! [CHEERING.]
And candidate Bob Barnard, joined by his daughter, Magnolia! [WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE.]
I'm happy to report the candidates' children will also be performing their magic show during today's halftime break because what goes better with small town political debates than magic? Okay.
As is custom here in Masonville, we will be using Swiss rules for the debate.
Just a reminder, the opening statement can't exceed, but must be at least 20 minutes.
If either candidate shouts out, "Round the horn," the other candidate will stop speaking so the first candidate can respond with a rebuttal.
This opens the floor to a spirited round of Rebut the Platform.
If you hear this sound [LOUD BUZZING.]
it's the bonus round where answers must be under ten words, with no more than four adjectives.
If either candidate speaks over the other, you'll hear this [DUCK QUACKING.]
That means the offending candidate must go in the penalty box for 60 seconds.
And that's just for the first half of the debate.
In the second half, as is tradition here in Masonville, we have a few more things to keep in mind.
Okay, sweetheart.
Almost ready to get started.
Whatever he's paying you, I will double it.
Just please let me go.
Goddamn it.
There's the other one.
The other one? [CORALEE.]
Who else was he holding? How the hell was I going to get out? All I had were my high heels, the Tampoozle in my pocket, and my press-on French tips.
Oh, come come on! Damn it! Come on! [BELLA.]
And absolutely no high fives, wedgies or yodeling.
And those are our rules.
If at any point you need a reminder, don't hesitate to use your handy guides available at your podiums.
The candidates will rock, paper, scissors to decide who presents their opening statements first! And begin.
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! - [CROWD GASPS.]
- Tie! Try again.
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Rock, paper, scissors - shoot! - Jesus Christ.
I knew the Bobs still loved each other.
I just needed a way to remind them.
I'd lure them here, broker a peace, and then they'd love me for getting them back together.
But first, I needed to practice.
Guys, I think we might all be a little heated from that debate, but I think it's important to remember the history between you.
Between all of us.
I imagine we all have a lot to say, so who wants to go first? What me? No, you What? Oh! [LAUGHS.]
I'm sorry.
No, you go.
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! That's it.
No more scissors.
Just rock, paper.
- Rock, paper, shoot! - [CROWD GASPS.]
I'm thinking of a number between one and ten.
Whoever's closest goes first.
Pick a number.
- Five! - Five! - [CROWD GROANS.]
- Okay.
We're going alphabetical.
Armstrong, please give your opening statement.
Now, I know a lot of you must be asking what does an attractive, suave, intelligent, stylish bon vivant have to offer me as mayor? [WOMAN.]
Who cares? He ain't runnin'.
What do you have? [CROWD MUTTERING.]
Well as a lawyer slash pageant coach, it is my professional opinion that Masonville needs a makeover.
And who better to do that than yours truly? I took an average girl from Masonville and turned her into Miss Georgia American Lady and future national champion.
Didn't Patty Bladell go to prison? That's right.
But she was falsely accused, exonerated completely, and now she's out.
And I believed in her, through all of her trials and travails, proving my loyalty and dedication.
Which means, when you vote for me, I will do the same for you.
Gator Bog, where we dumped those drug dealers? This was turning into a tour of the ghosts of my past.
Why are we here? Oh, oh, I know! The swamp's haunted.
Legend has it, a cult of gator worshipers sacrificed themselves here.
Sometimes you can still hear their screams.
Oh, shit.
Why so edgy? I I'm just scared of alligators.
Oh, don't be.
The gators are gone 'cause global warming.
Have been for years.
No gators? That meant nothing to eat the bodies.
This could actually be the last time I take anyone by this spot.
If Bob Barnard wins the Masonville Mayoral Election, - he'll drain it and build a prison.
- What? Haven't you been following the election? No.
I've been in prison.
Remember? Excuse me for a second.
Drain the swamp? I had to talk to my mom right away.
- Shit! No cell service.
So Yeah.
Global warming.
Everything's gonna be smokin' hot! I feel like it already is.
Hey! Stop! Where are you going? Did she just steal my car? She's been through a lot.
Your girlfriend's a piece of work.
She's not my girlfriend.
Come on.
There's a gas station up the road.
We can get cell service there.
And that is why you should vote Bob Armstrong for mayor! [CROWD CHEERING.]
And now for Mr.
Barnard's opening remarks.
As a former prosecutor, y'all know my stance on law and order.
It is the crux of a civil society.
And as such, I'd like to go on record that I maintain a certain standard of behavior.
Something Mr.
Makeover chooses not to do.
Oh No Oh Excuse me! Excuse me! Uh - What do we say? Round the horn? - [QUACKING.]
Not during opening statements.
No, it's all right.
Please let my opponent speak.
Last time I checked, this is America where we are free to throw dollar bills at anyone we like.
Well-hung runaways with daddy issues included.
Unless my esteemed opponent is protesting same-sex relations, which I can assure you, from first hand and mouth experience, is pure hypocrisy.
I'm an out gay man, Bob.
There's no one less homophobic than me.
Now, if we could please continue watching the video in question.
All right, pause right there.
Therein lies the problem.
It's called capitalism.
Big deal.
It's actually called employing an undocumented worker.
That stripper is here illegally from Canada.
I'm an American stripper, and Armstrong helped that filthy Canadian take my job! - Boo! - Boo! No! No! Okay, this seems like a good time for intermission.
Brick Armstrong and Magnolia Barnard, would you like to take the stage? [APPLAUSE.]
I am so sorry.
I had no idea he was gonna do that.
Are you sure you're still up for this? I'd rather be on stage than dealing with drama back here.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Literally Black Girl Magic.
No way! [DOOR SLAMS.]
Sorry about that.
I was just trying out the anesthesia New plan! You let me go, and I don't blow you up.
How in the hell are you gonna blow me up? I pull the tassel pin, count to ten, and you go boom.
That's a tampon.
What kind of tampon has a tassel? This is a ladybomb.
A pocket-sized and discreet explosive device that I've been developing to protect women from assholes like you.
Five times more effective than mace and pepper spray.
Patent pending.
You're bluffing.
Only one way to find out.
Ten, nine, eight Well, seven, six It's gonna blow! Five Three, two, one.
Shit! It was a goddamn tampon! [MOANING AND RATTLING.]
Stella Rose? - Coralee? - What the hell are you doing here? - Just help me! - Okay, where's the key? Okay.
I'm coming.
How did you end up down here? That sick bastard found me in the woods and kept me tied up like this for months.
Callin' me Mama, putting on makeup, giving me sponge baths.
It was like Kathy Bates in Misery! Only not as hot.
He would've killed me if Oh! - [GROANS.]
- What is it? Okay, you just sit there and I'll find something for you to Much Maybe this.
- Okay.
- What are you doing here? He tried to force me to get an abortion, which I still might get, but I'm not gonna let a demented asshole make that decision for me! Here we go.
- Careful! Okay, easy.
I got you.
We're gonna get out of here.
- [GASPS.]
He's coming.
It was a tampon, you bitch! I'm gonna kill you.
Mama! Where are you, Mama? [EXHALES.]
Gotcha! [SCREAMING.]
You're not a killer.
There's better ways to handle this.
You fucker! Okay.
I'm stuck with this maniac for months, and you outsmart him with a tampon? [LAUGHS.]
Bob chose the right woman.
Thank you, Stella Rose.
And thank you for saving me from myself back there.
You're right.
I'm not a killer.
If you really want to thank me, leave.
And please don't tell anyone you saw me.
I need a fresh start.
Shouldn't we get you to the hospital, or find a way to call the police? No.
No, you go.
I've got business to attend to here.
I said you weren't a killer.
Not me.
Hey! Where have you been? I was getting worried about you.
How could you do that to Bob? Throwing him under the bus like that.
You're ruining everything! What are you talking about? He's my opponent.
You care about him.
You need to apologize.
Apologize? Whose side are you on? [RUDY.]
I didn't want to be on a side.
I wanted to be in the middle.
Let's talk about this after the debate.
I booked a room at the Halfway Inn.
See you there? I'm rooting for you.
Where the hell was Angie? I hated that I was letting her down.
Knock, knock.
- How's my favorite candidate holding up? - Rudy, what are you doing here? I wanted to check in with you after what just happened out there.
Why? Because it was a low blow.
I can't believe Bob would do that to you.
And why do you care? Ever since that day in the steam room, I haven't stopped thinking about you.
- Really? - Really.
I booked a room for me and Bob at the Halfway Inn for after the debate, but after the stunt he just pulled, I don't think we're gonna work out.
It'd be a shame to let the room go to waste.
Why don't you meet me up there? I'm rooting for you.
Take this.
Or I will.
Now, what the hell was Detective Cruz doing here? - Does he know something about the swamp? - No! He was hitting on me.
Barnard sent him in here to mess with your head.
You think? Yeah! He's playing dirty! And now you've gotta play dirty, too.
You have to, or I'm going to jail.
Haven't you and Barnard known each other since you were kids? You must have something on that man-groomed douche nozzle.
I dunno.
He's got pec implants? There's nothing wrong with implants, Bob.
He cries every time he comes.
Didn't need to know that.
He calls Kevin James the funniest man alive Oh, my God! He eats potato chips so loud.
It is like It's flames - Bob, come on! - Flames I need something juicy, you know? Like Watergate or Wienergate or Pizzagate.
He can't be as perfect as he seems.
He's not.
Oh, my God.
You have something.
No, it's nothing we can use.
Bob, please.
- No, I can't.
- We have I made him a promise that I would never tell.
Mom, how could you not tell me that Barnard was draining the swamp? Patty! What are you Patty knows! You said she didn't! Of course I know! You knew? [STAMMERING.]
Uh I had to tell him.
What would Bob think of me, now he knew I killed again? Did you tell him about the gun? - What gun? - Your gun.
That I used! To kill those men.
My gun? Oh, my God! I did not give you my gun to kill drug dealers! I know.
I should've told you, but I was trying to protect you.
What in the hell is going on here? I am sorry that I lied, but And now you know! If If you don't win, we could both go to jail.
We could all go to jail.
So I'mma ask you again.
What kind of dirt do you have on Bob Barnard? He paid Stella Rose hush money to keep his paternity to Roxy a secret for the past 20 years.
Are you kiddin' me? Why would Coralee ruin her own product? She didn't.
Look at this place split down the middle.
They were at war.
Bob did it! Regina! Are you okay? No! Goddamn it! [SCREAMS.]
Oh, I'm so sick of that fucker ruining everything! You mean Dixie losing and you going to prison and losing your house? Bob Armstrong ruined my entire life since I was eight! We were friends, best friends.
He was the only person who knew I still wet the bed.
And then one day we got into a fight, and he told everyone! And after that day, my whole life went to shit! I became a pariah at school.
We had to move! My parents got divorced, and Mama started whorin' around and got syphilis and lost her mind.
I was all alone.
Until I stole Dixie.
And then she lost that pageant, and he started to ruin her whole life too.
And I tried taking him down, but he just keeps on keeping on! Well, fuck him then! Where's the bathroom? Wait! What are you doing? I'm gonna teach him a lesson, prison style.
I'm gonna give him an upper decker.
Trust me.
Oh, I got something better in mind for Bob.
I've been planning it for quite some time.
On second thought, do whatever you want.
I'm gonna go get the car.
Halftime is almost over.
Could I really do what I was about to do? Ruin Bob Barnard forever? But maybe this is what he deserved.
It was true, after all.
Just a ghost from his past, come back to haunt him.
Ta-da! Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much, Literally Black Girl Magic.
And now for the final portion of our debate.
Would Mr.
Armstrong and Mr.
Barnard please return to the stage.
We all just saw the candidates' children performing together, which leads me to ask, Bob Armstrong, how important is family to you? [ARMSTRONG.]
Bella couldn't have lobbed me a better pitch.
All I had to do was swing.
You know, Barnard and I, we both have families.
And I think that family values are subjective.
Just say it.
It's a great responsibility to have a child, and everyone handles that differently.
Grab some sack and go for it, you chicken shit! What the hell is wrong with you? Angie could go to jail! You could go to jail! Everybody makes mistakes.
As parents, as people, as parents of people Oh, for fuck's sake! Bob Barnard has been paying hush money to [SHUSHING.]
Let her speak! Stop muzzling that woman! [CROWD.]
Yes! Boo! [PATTY.]
It had all backfired.
Armstrong would lose, Barnard would drain the swamp, and how long before they found out I killed those guys? We were all going down.
Where is Rudy Cruz? [BARNARD.]
What the hell? Coralee? He kidnapped me and then tried to force me to have an abortion! [ARMSTRONG.]
Abortion? [BARNARD.]
She's pregnant! Who's the father? Detective Cruz, you're under arrest! - [SCREAMS.]
- Come here! - [CROWD GASPS.]
- Okay.
I did it for you, Bob! I did it for you both! I was waiting until later for my romantic gesture, but I guess this is it! I love you both! And I want us all to be together.
Baby put down the gun.
I love you too.
I do.
And I am sure that we can make this work.
Isn't that right, Bob? Uh, okay [BARNARD.]
You see? It Oh, God.
Oh, I'm gonna faint.
- No! Don't you faint! - Oh, no.
Here I go.
Damn it! - No, no! Neither one of you, goddamn it! Snort this! Now! Snort it! [ARMSTRONG.]
I wasn't sure what I was gonna do.
But after hours of watching Patty's capoeira rehearsals, I guess I'd picked up a thing or two.
Armstrong! Armstrong! Armstrong! Armstrong! Armstrong! Armstrong! Armstrong! Armstrong! Armstrong! Armstrong! Armstrong! Armstrong! Armstrong! [CROWD GASPS.]
Armstrong! Armstrong! Armstrong! Armstrong! Thank God, it's here! Well, at least on the bright side, Patty texted you so you'd know where it was.
And you get to keep your job.
Yeah, your friend's a real saint.
Look, I'm so sorry.
About all of this.
It's okay.
I I actually had a really fun time with you today.
Me, too.
So can I, like, take you to dinner or something? - I'm starving.
- Yes.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
Is that an ostrich? [PHONE BEEPS.]
- [JADE.]
Is that yours? - [NONNIE.]
This is Patty's purse, but this isn't Patty's phone.
- Who's that? - Her stalker ex-boyfriend, Christian.
But why the hell would Patty have Christian's phone? [PATTY.]
It seemed like Bob was a lock to win and locking lips with my mom.
Weird, but also kind of sweet.
Maybe my mom and I could both leave the ghost of our pasts behind.