Insert Name Here (2016) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
1 APPLAUSE Hello, you, and welcome to Insert Name Here, the show where we unearth a ton of partially useful information about a group of people united by just one common thread - the same first name.
My guests tonight have no such common thread, but please welcome the diversely named Sara Pascoe, Paul Hollywood and their team captain, Josh Widdicombe.
And over on the other side, Kate Williams, Joe Lycett and their captain Richard Osman.
APPLAUSE So, how do you feel, Josh? Paul next to you.
I'm very excited.
Obviously, Kate is dead to me.
LAUGHTER Oh, no! So ruthless.
She, ironically, is history to me.
You know she can bake as well? Bake and do history.
You can bake, right? Brilliantly so.
Oh, my God, she's an amazing baker.
If you want old cakes, here is your lady.
I have to say, Paul is looking very, very smart tonight.
Have you made a special effort? Are you? Listen! Are you even going down that worst dressed man? Oh, I know what this is.
Let's illuminate.
I think he was voted the worst dressed man, is it Britain or the world? Britain.
I think just Britain.
Just Britain.
But he's qualified for the European Champions League.
But who did you just pip to the post, Paul? Josh.
Aw.
I came second.
The second worst dressed man in Britain.
Would you rather have won? Mr Motivator is still around.
LAUGHTER Do you know any of the judges? The list of judges genuinely included Giorgio Armani.
What? No.
No way.
Yeah, who I didn't even know was a real person.
I thought he was just a brand.
Can I just say, Paul is writing these down like it's a hit list.
He's going to send them a poisoned bun.
Where's that shirt from, Josh? The one you're wearing now.
Um, a little place I know called H&M.
That's where you've gone wrong.
Where's your shirt from, then, Joe? A little place called H&M.
LAUGHTER I don't know, actually.
See you on the list next year, Lycett.
Let me just quote from GQ.
They said about Josh, "You've developed a style "that can only be described as an update on Bilbo Baggins.
" No! APPLAUSE We've got a picture of Paul here.
He dresses very nicely.
He's taken his pyjama bottoms off anyway.
Are you sat on a load of flour? Yeah.
Have a day off, Paul! Is that your sofa at home? All your furniture is made out of different things that go into bread.
That was ten years ago.
Was it? Yeah.
How come you look exactly the same? Bread.
Bread! So, I'm going to move now to the all-important question - which name we'll be featuring tonight.
Well, it's the name of the patron saint of travellers, the first half of Christmas and nearly all of the word crisp.
Tonight's name is Chris.
And that, of course, includes Christophers, Christines and Christinas, natch.
So, who can we expect to see? Well, we'll have musicians, millionaire makers and monocle wearers.
We've got a victorious knight and the nation's favourite dame.
That was a technical challenge, wasn't it, Paul? I love the fact that both of you are officially worse dressed than Christopher Biggins.
Josh, any early thoughts as to who would be your champion Chris? I thought you could have two-for-one - Kris Kristofferson.
Oh, double the Chris.
Richard, any early thoughts on a Chris? I've got two thoughts but I'm not sure if they're Chrises.
You might have to give us a judgement.
OK.
Because there's Jesus Christ.
People call him Christ, right? Yeah.
I know they called him Chris.
Jesus Chris.
Jesus, Chris! That's where he got his nickname.
Jesus Christ.
And the other one - Father Christmas.
He's a Nicholas, really.
There's Kris Kringle.
Kris Kringle? Yeah, it's Kris Kringle, see.
All right, Kris Kringle.
Thanks, Paul.
He bailed you out.
All right, your early runners are Jesus Christ and Father Christmas.
Or Kriss Akabusi.
One of those three.
Yes.
The thing about Jesus Christ and Kriss Akabusi - both overcame a lot of hurdles.
LAUGHTER Very nice.
So, let's get on with the show.
Time to pick a Chris.
Our teams have four categories to choose from and behind each one lurks a famous Chris.
So, Richard, your team gets to choose a category, please.
Screen Legend Chris? Start with a bit of show business? Yeah, let's do it.
Work your glamour on this team.
Screen Legend Chris, I think, for us.
All right.
You have opted for screen legend and one-time bloodsucker, Christopher Lee.
So, let's have a look at his stats.
Lee's first experience as the famous Transylvanian vampire was in the 1958 film Dracula.
Kate, can you give us a bit of context on Dracula? Well, the novel by Bram Stoker, but it's based on, we think, Vlad the Impaler, the 15th-century ruler of Romania.
They got the name Dracul from dragon cos they're meant to be the Order of the Dragon, protecting Christianity.
And Vlad the Impaler thought the best way of doing this would be to impale people and then he'd use their blood for his bread.
There you go, Paul.
What? That's a signature bake.
Yeah.
I think, the first programme of Bake Off last year - when they all come in - they're all quite nervous, they all cut their fingers.
There's probably more than one occasion I've had blood on bread.
That's why he hasn't aged for ten years! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 2010, Christopher Lee released a symphonic metal concept album about the Roman emperor Charlemagne, from whom Lee is descended.
Here they are.
Wow.
That's what you would look like if you didn't drink blood.
LAUGHTER It's true! I was wearing a hat very similar to that last week.
I was in Russia.
I think we've got a picture of you actually here, which is, I think, the day you won Russia's worst dressed man.
Is that a horse or a bit of a hat behind you? LAUGHTER Just left the head on.
The album from Christopher is entitled Charlemagne - By The Sword And The Cross.
Lee said Well, shall we judge for ourselves? Ooh, yeah.
# An empire made great # By deeds of great kings! # I shed blood of Saxon men # I shed the blood of the Saxon men # I shed the blood of the Saxon men # I shed the blood of the Saxon men # I shed it at Verden # I shed the blood of the Saxon men I shed the blood of 4,000 Saxon men.
Wonderful.
Good.
Very, very good.
I quite like that.
You'd Spotify that, would you? Yeah.
I hope it's on Spotify.
It's not like Taylor Swift.
LAUGHTER Be really disappointing.
Yeah.
He says it's killing live music, Spotify.
He wouldn't have it.
"Boycott it.
" He said, "I'll shed the blood of 4,000 Saxon men "but I'm afraid I'm not going to kill the record industry.
" In 1974, Christopher Lee played the tri-nippled Scaramanga in the Bond classic The Man With The Golden Gun.
Now, Pauly, I know you've got a thing about Bond, but if you had to play a Bond villain, who would you be? What would be your special skills? Ersharpening baguettes, throwing them.
Ooh! That's a hell of a sharp baguette to impale someone with.
I've cut myself on the end of a baguette before.
You haven't cut yourself on the end of a baguette, Paul! Richard, you remind me a little bit of a Bond villain.
Uh-oh.
LAUGHTER Oh! That's mean.
I was thinking Ursula Andress.
Josh, you remind us of one too.
LAUGHTER Who's that?! That's Herve Villechaize.
That looks like the photo you get trying to get you to donate ã3.
Sorry, are you talking about the guy on the left or the guy on the right? Now it's time to play for the Chris.
Ooh, here we go.
Here it is.
What happened to Christopher Lee on his way to Los Angeles to promote The Man With The Golden Gun? Was the gun in his luggage? Cos they don't let you take them through.
It WAS in his luggage.
Ah! It was in his luggage.
APPLAUSE Yeah! Good work! So, to complete the story.
He was on his way to appear on The Johnny Carson Show, carrying the gun in pieces in a box.
Customs asked him to put it together, which he did, and they then just took it off him, never returned.
He then took out a fountain pen, twisted it once anticlockwise and wrote a very strongly-worded complaint.
Well done, Sara.
Well done, Josh's team.
Hey, great.
Congratulations.
You win.
Have you ever been stopped at customs, Paul? Do they do that? Do they search your baggage? I haven't been stopped at customs.
Has Mary? Mary! Oh, Mary did.
No! Oh! What was she up for this time? "Honestly, it's a bag of flour.
" LAUGHTER When you're on a flight with Mary, when the air hostess comes round with the bread Yes.
.
.
is there, like, an awkward moment where you're sort of tasting? LAUGHTER Right, Josh, it's your turn and your choice.
What's it going to be? Oh.
Shall we go for Holy or Globetrotting? Oh, so, we've got rid of Diva? I've got rid of Diva.
Is it out of place? Now you've excluded it, that's all I want.
That's what I want.
Well, do you know what? You're going to learn an important lesson.
I love you trying to be tough, like you're not about to backtrack immediately.
You're going to learn an important lesson about diva No.
We're going to go Globetrotting Chris.
AUDIENCE GROANS OK, all right.
You're going to roll like that, are you? Interesting.
You are like that little evil man.
You have chosen explorer, seafarer and eccentric hat enthusiast Christopher Columbus.
Let's have a look at his stats.
Columbus's 1492 expedition was intended to find a new route to Asia, but by heading west rather than east.
He hit land much quicker than expected, was still convinced he'd got to Asia rather than America.
How did he explain the fact that he'd got round the world so quickly? Was he having fun? Was it pear shaped? He thought the world was pear shaped, yes.
So, basically, he thought that he was going round the top, the thin bit.
Oh! And he got there so much quicker.
He believed the Earth was pear shaped right up until the point his career went the same way.
During his third voyage to the Americas, Columbus landed in modern-day Venezuela and saw the mouth of the Orinoco.
How did he land in modern-day Venezuela? That's unbelievable.
LAUGHTER What did he think he'd discovered? The entrance to hell or something.
The opposite.
The entrance to heaven.
Not heaven, but The exit to heaven.
If there's a fire in heaven, that's what they use, right? There's no fire exit in hell.
No, they've got non-fire exits.
If the fire should go out, please make your way to the exit.
Paradise on earth.
Garden of Eden.
The Garden of Eden.
Columbus believed that paradise was to be found near the equator.
And when he saw such a large body of water, just assumed it was the river that flowed out of Eden.
When he found out he was wrong, he was so furious, he gave it a stinking review on TripAdvisor.
But was Eden a thing? I mean, was that a destination? Were people always trying to find the Garden of Eden? They were.
They had different ways of getting to it.
So, there was this 19th-century Russian society that actually got to number 100,000 people that tried to get back to the state of the Garden of Eden by cutting off their genitals.
That was their cunning plan.
HE WHISTLES You'd be annoyed if you didn't find it after all that, wouldn't you? Yes.
How did they grow in numbers? People are also going, "Yeah, it's amazing.
"It's absolutely amazing.
I haven't found it yet, "but cut my knob off and it's" People could've just abstained.
Does cutting off your genitals mean that you don't have the urge? You don't get any testosterone if you're a man once your testicles are cut off.
We must have testosterone elsewhere, surely.
Paul has, look.
Oh, Paul.
Paul, I don't know how big your balls are, but there's too much testosterone.
But there's no way he can answer that question.
Either he says, "No, actually, they're quite small," or he looks really arrogant being, "Yeah, they're massive" Can you move on from my balls? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You know, I was thinking, like, ten years ago, women used to complain about the industry and the media.
And all we've done today is told two men they're badly dressed and then talk about their sexual organs.
Have we gone too far the other way? One of Columbus's party, Rodrigo de Jerez, is credited with a particular honour.
What is it? Oh, did he? Steal the gold? Not gold.
Did he invent cigarettes? Yes.
Invented cigarettes? He didn't invent them, but I'll give you that.
Because he was the first European smoker that we know of.
Oh.
There he is.
Even then they had to huddle outside.
What happened when he brought back smoking? The guy who invented the lighter said, "Finally!" Actually, the smoke billowing from his mouth and nose so frightened his neighbours, he was arrested and then imprisoned by the holy inquisitors for five years.
On what grounds? Being a dragon.
Being a dragon, essentially.
I'd give someone more than five years for being a dragon.
Aw.
That's cos you're a hobbit.
They're your natural enemy.
APPLAUSE Here is the question for the Chris.
On his fourth and final voyage, Columbus was stranded in Jamaica and fell out with the locals.
How did he get them back on side? Did he invent reggae? I think this is the lunar eclipse story.
The Jamaicans were angry, they wouldn't give them any food, so he said, "I am so powerful that I control the moon "and I can take the moon away from you if you don't feed me" because he knew there was going to be a lunar eclipse.
So, they said, "Ha-ha-ha, that's not true," and then there was a lunar eclipse.
The moon went and they said It was kind of like the Ewoks in Star Wars after C-3PO did that popping up.
They said, "OK, we'll give you all the food you want.
" Wow.
That was actually Luke Skywalker with the Jedi and he used the force to raise C-3PO.
KATE: He did.
That's right.
It wasn't C-3PO doing anything.
No, I know.
LAUGHTER There's two things that rile Paul Hollywood - someone slagging off bread and somebody getting something about Star Wars wrong.
But you're absolutely right, Kate, so, well done.
Richard's team, you win the Chris.
Well done.
APPLAUSE This next one is for both teams to play.
Richard, which one would you like? We'll have Diva Chris, please.
You've chosen singer, actress and all-round Dirrty girl Christina Aguilera.
Let's look at her stats.
She's released over 30 singles, sold over 50 million albums and is one of the world's biggest stars.
I have no idea what the secret of her success was, but here she is at the start of her career.
And here she is promoting Dirrty.
What would you say if you saw your daughter going out like that, Richard? Well That's taken me by surprise, that question.
Here she is now! LAUGHTER I think I would say, "If you've won eight Grammys "and you've made ã30 million, dress how you want.
"If you haven't, then go upstairs and change "and dress like Kate Humble.
" Wasn't it famously that she used to walk round naked at home? I think that's something that people who want you to fancy them say in interviews.
Oh.
Right, Paul? Paul cannot walk round naked just cos of ornaments.
Just the In 2004, she earned ã200,000 in one afternoon.
How? Sponsored silence.
Singing at someone's birthday.
She opened the Harrods sale.
She opened the Harrods summer sale.
That's exactly what she did, yeah.
200 grand? 200 grand.
But cos it was a sale, she only got 125.
Apparently, when they asked Mariah Carey to turn on the lights at Westfield, she demanded that 20 white kittens and 20 white doves were released at the same time.
Kittens famously like ripping doves to pieces.
But famously, birds can fly.
LAUGHTER She earns her place.
For that factual update, I'm giving you a bonus Krispy Kreme.
Christina is not just a singer, but a businesswoman, has brought out many different perfumes.
Here's a little bonus game.
Can you identify the real Aguilera scents, perfumes, from the made-up ones? I think that they're all things that Paul has said to Mary.
LAUGHTER That's one half of Paul and Mary's text conversation.
I think Royal Desire is real.
And Secret Potion and Touch of Seduction.
We're going to go Royal Desire, Potion and Stunning.
Let's see which ones are the real ones.
Well done.
Unbelievably, Kate, you got them right, which means we're a little bit creeped out.
What?! No! Are you her target demographic? LAUGHTER Who's the biggest diva in history, Kate? I think one of the biggest is Maria Callas.
Great 20th-century Greek opera singer.
Never quite got over being dumped by Onassis for Jackie Kennedy.
Onassis, on his yacht, he covered the bar stools with what he said was the softest substance known to man.
And do you know what that was? One of Paul's Victoria sponges.
Is that what we're calling them now? LAUGHTER That was not too far, actually.
The foreskin of a sperm whale is apparently the softest substance known to man.
Not too far off Paul's bollocks? I was saying, it's the same kind of area.
Time to play for the Chris and it's a diva-related question.
Christina was a judge on the American version of The Voice.
During the show, what was her assistant employed to do every 30 minutes? Is it tell her which way round she is? If you had an entourage, what would you have? If you have an entourage? You'd have a personal Masseuse! She does indeed get her feet massaged.
Outrageous behaviour.
She's like you, Sue.
Keep going.
Keep going.
It's true.
Is that Mel under there? Yeah.
LAUGHTER It's true.
On Bake Off, Paul does massage me.
What kind of massage do you give, Paul? Shoulders.
Go on.
Oh, this is This is almost too erotic.
Don't.
You're going to catch the worst dressed man.
That was wonderful.
I've got a little baguette of my own down here.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well done, Josh's team.
You win the Chris.
Congratulations.
Time now to dust down and crank up the Insert Name Here fruit machine.
Each spin reveals three of our favourites Chrises and it's up to our teams to match the amazing fact to the incredible Chris.
Let's spin.
So, we have hysterical former hurdler Kriss Akabusi, 12th-century Belgian holy woman Christina the Astonishing, and Lady In Red crooner, Chris de Burgh.
So, the question is, which Chris has claimed to have miraculous healing powers? Let's start with you, Richard.
I think maybe Kriss Akabusi has healing powers.
I feel healed just looking at that photograph of him.
LAUGHTER Do you think Chris de Burgh could heal you? I feel sick looking at that photograph.
What's the name of the lady in the middle? Christina the Astonishing.
She sounds amazing.
She was one of these type of saints who didn't eat and she flung herself into frozen rivers to try and get closer to God and she used to jump into fires.
See, it's beginning to sound like hard work now.
Maybe a bit high-maintenance, but she was called the Astonishing because she was in the coffin in her funeral at age 21 and then she flew up into the sky.
Tell you what, Kate, for an intelligent person, you'll believe any old shit.
Never seen that up there.
Who are we going to go for, Captain? I think Kriss Akabusi? Yeah.
I don't like to see Kriss Akabusi up there and not choose him.
Yeah, let's do it.
We'll go Kriss Akabusi has healing powers.
You know earlier, I was telling you I worked at the Millennium Dome? Yes.
Well, before the Millennium Dome opened, all of the staff, in order to inspire us, were taken into a hall.
And Kriss Akabusi came in and spoke to us an hour and it was the most inspiring thing that's ever happened.
And he said, "Those without vision, perish.
" And that's why the Millennium Dome was such a success.
That's also a slogan of Specsavers.
APPLAUSE There was a story in the press Yeah.
.
.
where a woman was in a coma and her favourite song was Lady In Red.
And Chris de Burgh Which is how she fell into the coma in the first place.
And Chris de Burgh went to visit her and she woke up and was healed.
Well, the correct answer is.
Chris de Burgh.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah! Yeah! Well done, everyone.
Indeed.
With an interview with Gloria Hunniford on BBC One's Heaven And Earth Show, Chris said LAUGHTER Hunniford defended him saying Nothing fantastical there.
Josh, you very much win the Chris.
Well done.
Sara, well done.
Next up, we've got panto legend Christopher Biggins, Tory wife Christine Hamilton, and tree trunk-thighed cyclist Sir Chris Hoy.
Which of these Chrises went on somebody else's honeymoon? What do you think, Paul? I think Chris Hoy.
Hmm.
I don't know, I've just got a bit of hunch, I'm saying.
That's probably it.
It's circling round and you've heard it somewhere.
Going on that flimsy kind of thinking, we're going to go with Chris Hoy.
Biggins - 100% the sort of thing he would do.
Yeah, it is, isn't it? 100% the sort of thing where he'd meet someone at the airport and say, "Where are you going?" They'd say, "We're going on a honeymoon.
" And he'd go, "I'm going to come with you.
" Chris Hoy, it's less likely, surely.
Have you considered the fact that Paul has a hunch? If my balls were that heavy, I'd have a hunch.
LAUGHTER I think Biggins.
Do you think, Kate? OK, let's go.
We'll go Biggins.
And you're going to go with Paul's hunch of Chris Hoy.
Well, hunches may not be enough because the answer is Christopher Biggins.
APPLAUSE So, Biggins and Jeremy Irons were at drama school together and he was Irons's best man.
But somehow, Biggins got invited on the honeymoon and the three of them drove down to Spain.
On the way, Biggins suffered heat stroke and spent the first week confined to his room.
Still, it gave Jeremy a chance to spend more time with his wife while she shouted at him, "Why the hell is Christopher Biggins here?!" Congratulations, Richard.
You win the Chris.
Biggins.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH Right, everybody, let's play Finish The Fact.
I'll start by reading out a Chris-based morsel.
Buzz in when you think you know how it ends.
First up, it's theatrical, tight-shorted footballer Cristiano Ronaldo.
BELL Josh.
Sun lamp for too long.
BUZZER Joe.
Me in my dreams.
LAUGHTER No.
BUZZER Replaced Debbie McGee.
You know what? BELL Oh, no.
Josh.
That was the year that he missed in the Champions League final for Man U.
He injured BELL Yeah, he was injured.
He injured his ankle Coincidence? Yes.
LAUGHTER Sadly, no-one gets the Chris there.
But next up, ex-undercover operative Chris Ryan.
BELL Kids.
No! BUZZER Local productions of My Fair Lady.
He's produced military thrillers.
BUZZER Only as old as the fish he feels.
I'd like to read that.
Kate.
BUZZER I think this was under a pseudonym and it was Molly Jackson or something like that.
And I think it was The Fisherman's Daughter.
It was indeed The Fisherman's Daughter.
Well done.
APPLAUSE Absolutely.
Written under his nom de plume of Molly Jackson.
I'll just read you a bit.
"The fishermen took her in his strong arms, "kissed her tenderly on her perfect lips "and unleashed his semiautomatic into the harbour master.
" Well done, Richard.
You win the Chris.
Congratulations.
Well done, Kate.
Next, high-earning Twilight star Kristen Stewart.
BELL What to say when caught cheating on a boyfriend.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! Ooh.
I didn't do it.
She did.
If you want to be famous, what might you practise? BUZZER Autograph.
Yes.
Absolutely right, yeah.
She loved - absolutely loved - taking packages for neighbours.
No, she adored it.
"What's that?" Her idea of hell is a red card on the mat.
"Wonder what it could be.
" LAUGHTER No.
She loved pens.
And weirdly, her career is now stationary.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH So, we've come to the end of the show and I can tell you that our winners, with the most Chrises, are Josh's team.
Yay! APPLAUSE Well done.
Well done.
But now we come to the big one, the big question.
Who is the best Chris of all time? There was only one Chris that got a cheer when their photo was revealed.
Kriss Akabusi.
Yeah.
You heard it here first.
It's with great joy, I declare, Kriss Akabusi is the best Chris of all time.
Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Time to award prizes.
For our winners, it's a bottle of Christina Aguilera's perfume, Touch of Seduction.
There you go.
Ooh! And for our losers, a big bottle of Touch of Seduction.
Ooh, that's got weight.
So sorry.
So sorry.
My thanks to all of my guests.
Special thanks to all the Chrises here, there and everywhere.
And thanks to you, you at home, for watching us.
Good night.
APPLAUSE
My guests tonight have no such common thread, but please welcome the diversely named Sara Pascoe, Paul Hollywood and their team captain, Josh Widdicombe.
And over on the other side, Kate Williams, Joe Lycett and their captain Richard Osman.
APPLAUSE So, how do you feel, Josh? Paul next to you.
I'm very excited.
Obviously, Kate is dead to me.
LAUGHTER Oh, no! So ruthless.
She, ironically, is history to me.
You know she can bake as well? Bake and do history.
You can bake, right? Brilliantly so.
Oh, my God, she's an amazing baker.
If you want old cakes, here is your lady.
I have to say, Paul is looking very, very smart tonight.
Have you made a special effort? Are you? Listen! Are you even going down that worst dressed man? Oh, I know what this is.
Let's illuminate.
I think he was voted the worst dressed man, is it Britain or the world? Britain.
I think just Britain.
Just Britain.
But he's qualified for the European Champions League.
But who did you just pip to the post, Paul? Josh.
Aw.
I came second.
The second worst dressed man in Britain.
Would you rather have won? Mr Motivator is still around.
LAUGHTER Do you know any of the judges? The list of judges genuinely included Giorgio Armani.
What? No.
No way.
Yeah, who I didn't even know was a real person.
I thought he was just a brand.
Can I just say, Paul is writing these down like it's a hit list.
He's going to send them a poisoned bun.
Where's that shirt from, Josh? The one you're wearing now.
Um, a little place I know called H&M.
That's where you've gone wrong.
Where's your shirt from, then, Joe? A little place called H&M.
LAUGHTER I don't know, actually.
See you on the list next year, Lycett.
Let me just quote from GQ.
They said about Josh, "You've developed a style "that can only be described as an update on Bilbo Baggins.
" No! APPLAUSE We've got a picture of Paul here.
He dresses very nicely.
He's taken his pyjama bottoms off anyway.
Are you sat on a load of flour? Yeah.
Have a day off, Paul! Is that your sofa at home? All your furniture is made out of different things that go into bread.
That was ten years ago.
Was it? Yeah.
How come you look exactly the same? Bread.
Bread! So, I'm going to move now to the all-important question - which name we'll be featuring tonight.
Well, it's the name of the patron saint of travellers, the first half of Christmas and nearly all of the word crisp.
Tonight's name is Chris.
And that, of course, includes Christophers, Christines and Christinas, natch.
So, who can we expect to see? Well, we'll have musicians, millionaire makers and monocle wearers.
We've got a victorious knight and the nation's favourite dame.
That was a technical challenge, wasn't it, Paul? I love the fact that both of you are officially worse dressed than Christopher Biggins.
Josh, any early thoughts as to who would be your champion Chris? I thought you could have two-for-one - Kris Kristofferson.
Oh, double the Chris.
Richard, any early thoughts on a Chris? I've got two thoughts but I'm not sure if they're Chrises.
You might have to give us a judgement.
OK.
Because there's Jesus Christ.
People call him Christ, right? Yeah.
I know they called him Chris.
Jesus Chris.
Jesus, Chris! That's where he got his nickname.
Jesus Christ.
And the other one - Father Christmas.
He's a Nicholas, really.
There's Kris Kringle.
Kris Kringle? Yeah, it's Kris Kringle, see.
All right, Kris Kringle.
Thanks, Paul.
He bailed you out.
All right, your early runners are Jesus Christ and Father Christmas.
Or Kriss Akabusi.
One of those three.
Yes.
The thing about Jesus Christ and Kriss Akabusi - both overcame a lot of hurdles.
LAUGHTER Very nice.
So, let's get on with the show.
Time to pick a Chris.
Our teams have four categories to choose from and behind each one lurks a famous Chris.
So, Richard, your team gets to choose a category, please.
Screen Legend Chris? Start with a bit of show business? Yeah, let's do it.
Work your glamour on this team.
Screen Legend Chris, I think, for us.
All right.
You have opted for screen legend and one-time bloodsucker, Christopher Lee.
So, let's have a look at his stats.
Lee's first experience as the famous Transylvanian vampire was in the 1958 film Dracula.
Kate, can you give us a bit of context on Dracula? Well, the novel by Bram Stoker, but it's based on, we think, Vlad the Impaler, the 15th-century ruler of Romania.
They got the name Dracul from dragon cos they're meant to be the Order of the Dragon, protecting Christianity.
And Vlad the Impaler thought the best way of doing this would be to impale people and then he'd use their blood for his bread.
There you go, Paul.
What? That's a signature bake.
Yeah.
I think, the first programme of Bake Off last year - when they all come in - they're all quite nervous, they all cut their fingers.
There's probably more than one occasion I've had blood on bread.
That's why he hasn't aged for ten years! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 2010, Christopher Lee released a symphonic metal concept album about the Roman emperor Charlemagne, from whom Lee is descended.
Here they are.
Wow.
That's what you would look like if you didn't drink blood.
LAUGHTER It's true! I was wearing a hat very similar to that last week.
I was in Russia.
I think we've got a picture of you actually here, which is, I think, the day you won Russia's worst dressed man.
Is that a horse or a bit of a hat behind you? LAUGHTER Just left the head on.
The album from Christopher is entitled Charlemagne - By The Sword And The Cross.
Lee said Well, shall we judge for ourselves? Ooh, yeah.
# An empire made great # By deeds of great kings! # I shed blood of Saxon men # I shed the blood of the Saxon men # I shed the blood of the Saxon men # I shed the blood of the Saxon men # I shed it at Verden # I shed the blood of the Saxon men I shed the blood of 4,000 Saxon men.
Wonderful.
Good.
Very, very good.
I quite like that.
You'd Spotify that, would you? Yeah.
I hope it's on Spotify.
It's not like Taylor Swift.
LAUGHTER Be really disappointing.
Yeah.
He says it's killing live music, Spotify.
He wouldn't have it.
"Boycott it.
" He said, "I'll shed the blood of 4,000 Saxon men "but I'm afraid I'm not going to kill the record industry.
" In 1974, Christopher Lee played the tri-nippled Scaramanga in the Bond classic The Man With The Golden Gun.
Now, Pauly, I know you've got a thing about Bond, but if you had to play a Bond villain, who would you be? What would be your special skills? Ersharpening baguettes, throwing them.
Ooh! That's a hell of a sharp baguette to impale someone with.
I've cut myself on the end of a baguette before.
You haven't cut yourself on the end of a baguette, Paul! Richard, you remind me a little bit of a Bond villain.
Uh-oh.
LAUGHTER Oh! That's mean.
I was thinking Ursula Andress.
Josh, you remind us of one too.
LAUGHTER Who's that?! That's Herve Villechaize.
That looks like the photo you get trying to get you to donate ã3.
Sorry, are you talking about the guy on the left or the guy on the right? Now it's time to play for the Chris.
Ooh, here we go.
Here it is.
What happened to Christopher Lee on his way to Los Angeles to promote The Man With The Golden Gun? Was the gun in his luggage? Cos they don't let you take them through.
It WAS in his luggage.
Ah! It was in his luggage.
APPLAUSE Yeah! Good work! So, to complete the story.
He was on his way to appear on The Johnny Carson Show, carrying the gun in pieces in a box.
Customs asked him to put it together, which he did, and they then just took it off him, never returned.
He then took out a fountain pen, twisted it once anticlockwise and wrote a very strongly-worded complaint.
Well done, Sara.
Well done, Josh's team.
Hey, great.
Congratulations.
You win.
Have you ever been stopped at customs, Paul? Do they do that? Do they search your baggage? I haven't been stopped at customs.
Has Mary? Mary! Oh, Mary did.
No! Oh! What was she up for this time? "Honestly, it's a bag of flour.
" LAUGHTER When you're on a flight with Mary, when the air hostess comes round with the bread Yes.
.
.
is there, like, an awkward moment where you're sort of tasting? LAUGHTER Right, Josh, it's your turn and your choice.
What's it going to be? Oh.
Shall we go for Holy or Globetrotting? Oh, so, we've got rid of Diva? I've got rid of Diva.
Is it out of place? Now you've excluded it, that's all I want.
That's what I want.
Well, do you know what? You're going to learn an important lesson.
I love you trying to be tough, like you're not about to backtrack immediately.
You're going to learn an important lesson about diva No.
We're going to go Globetrotting Chris.
AUDIENCE GROANS OK, all right.
You're going to roll like that, are you? Interesting.
You are like that little evil man.
You have chosen explorer, seafarer and eccentric hat enthusiast Christopher Columbus.
Let's have a look at his stats.
Columbus's 1492 expedition was intended to find a new route to Asia, but by heading west rather than east.
He hit land much quicker than expected, was still convinced he'd got to Asia rather than America.
How did he explain the fact that he'd got round the world so quickly? Was he having fun? Was it pear shaped? He thought the world was pear shaped, yes.
So, basically, he thought that he was going round the top, the thin bit.
Oh! And he got there so much quicker.
He believed the Earth was pear shaped right up until the point his career went the same way.
During his third voyage to the Americas, Columbus landed in modern-day Venezuela and saw the mouth of the Orinoco.
How did he land in modern-day Venezuela? That's unbelievable.
LAUGHTER What did he think he'd discovered? The entrance to hell or something.
The opposite.
The entrance to heaven.
Not heaven, but The exit to heaven.
If there's a fire in heaven, that's what they use, right? There's no fire exit in hell.
No, they've got non-fire exits.
If the fire should go out, please make your way to the exit.
Paradise on earth.
Garden of Eden.
The Garden of Eden.
Columbus believed that paradise was to be found near the equator.
And when he saw such a large body of water, just assumed it was the river that flowed out of Eden.
When he found out he was wrong, he was so furious, he gave it a stinking review on TripAdvisor.
But was Eden a thing? I mean, was that a destination? Were people always trying to find the Garden of Eden? They were.
They had different ways of getting to it.
So, there was this 19th-century Russian society that actually got to number 100,000 people that tried to get back to the state of the Garden of Eden by cutting off their genitals.
That was their cunning plan.
HE WHISTLES You'd be annoyed if you didn't find it after all that, wouldn't you? Yes.
How did they grow in numbers? People are also going, "Yeah, it's amazing.
"It's absolutely amazing.
I haven't found it yet, "but cut my knob off and it's" People could've just abstained.
Does cutting off your genitals mean that you don't have the urge? You don't get any testosterone if you're a man once your testicles are cut off.
We must have testosterone elsewhere, surely.
Paul has, look.
Oh, Paul.
Paul, I don't know how big your balls are, but there's too much testosterone.
But there's no way he can answer that question.
Either he says, "No, actually, they're quite small," or he looks really arrogant being, "Yeah, they're massive" Can you move on from my balls? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You know, I was thinking, like, ten years ago, women used to complain about the industry and the media.
And all we've done today is told two men they're badly dressed and then talk about their sexual organs.
Have we gone too far the other way? One of Columbus's party, Rodrigo de Jerez, is credited with a particular honour.
What is it? Oh, did he? Steal the gold? Not gold.
Did he invent cigarettes? Yes.
Invented cigarettes? He didn't invent them, but I'll give you that.
Because he was the first European smoker that we know of.
Oh.
There he is.
Even then they had to huddle outside.
What happened when he brought back smoking? The guy who invented the lighter said, "Finally!" Actually, the smoke billowing from his mouth and nose so frightened his neighbours, he was arrested and then imprisoned by the holy inquisitors for five years.
On what grounds? Being a dragon.
Being a dragon, essentially.
I'd give someone more than five years for being a dragon.
Aw.
That's cos you're a hobbit.
They're your natural enemy.
APPLAUSE Here is the question for the Chris.
On his fourth and final voyage, Columbus was stranded in Jamaica and fell out with the locals.
How did he get them back on side? Did he invent reggae? I think this is the lunar eclipse story.
The Jamaicans were angry, they wouldn't give them any food, so he said, "I am so powerful that I control the moon "and I can take the moon away from you if you don't feed me" because he knew there was going to be a lunar eclipse.
So, they said, "Ha-ha-ha, that's not true," and then there was a lunar eclipse.
The moon went and they said It was kind of like the Ewoks in Star Wars after C-3PO did that popping up.
They said, "OK, we'll give you all the food you want.
" Wow.
That was actually Luke Skywalker with the Jedi and he used the force to raise C-3PO.
KATE: He did.
That's right.
It wasn't C-3PO doing anything.
No, I know.
LAUGHTER There's two things that rile Paul Hollywood - someone slagging off bread and somebody getting something about Star Wars wrong.
But you're absolutely right, Kate, so, well done.
Richard's team, you win the Chris.
Well done.
APPLAUSE This next one is for both teams to play.
Richard, which one would you like? We'll have Diva Chris, please.
You've chosen singer, actress and all-round Dirrty girl Christina Aguilera.
Let's look at her stats.
She's released over 30 singles, sold over 50 million albums and is one of the world's biggest stars.
I have no idea what the secret of her success was, but here she is at the start of her career.
And here she is promoting Dirrty.
What would you say if you saw your daughter going out like that, Richard? Well That's taken me by surprise, that question.
Here she is now! LAUGHTER I think I would say, "If you've won eight Grammys "and you've made ã30 million, dress how you want.
"If you haven't, then go upstairs and change "and dress like Kate Humble.
" Wasn't it famously that she used to walk round naked at home? I think that's something that people who want you to fancy them say in interviews.
Oh.
Right, Paul? Paul cannot walk round naked just cos of ornaments.
Just the In 2004, she earned ã200,000 in one afternoon.
How? Sponsored silence.
Singing at someone's birthday.
She opened the Harrods sale.
She opened the Harrods summer sale.
That's exactly what she did, yeah.
200 grand? 200 grand.
But cos it was a sale, she only got 125.
Apparently, when they asked Mariah Carey to turn on the lights at Westfield, she demanded that 20 white kittens and 20 white doves were released at the same time.
Kittens famously like ripping doves to pieces.
But famously, birds can fly.
LAUGHTER She earns her place.
For that factual update, I'm giving you a bonus Krispy Kreme.
Christina is not just a singer, but a businesswoman, has brought out many different perfumes.
Here's a little bonus game.
Can you identify the real Aguilera scents, perfumes, from the made-up ones? I think that they're all things that Paul has said to Mary.
LAUGHTER That's one half of Paul and Mary's text conversation.
I think Royal Desire is real.
And Secret Potion and Touch of Seduction.
We're going to go Royal Desire, Potion and Stunning.
Let's see which ones are the real ones.
Well done.
Unbelievably, Kate, you got them right, which means we're a little bit creeped out.
What?! No! Are you her target demographic? LAUGHTER Who's the biggest diva in history, Kate? I think one of the biggest is Maria Callas.
Great 20th-century Greek opera singer.
Never quite got over being dumped by Onassis for Jackie Kennedy.
Onassis, on his yacht, he covered the bar stools with what he said was the softest substance known to man.
And do you know what that was? One of Paul's Victoria sponges.
Is that what we're calling them now? LAUGHTER That was not too far, actually.
The foreskin of a sperm whale is apparently the softest substance known to man.
Not too far off Paul's bollocks? I was saying, it's the same kind of area.
Time to play for the Chris and it's a diva-related question.
Christina was a judge on the American version of The Voice.
During the show, what was her assistant employed to do every 30 minutes? Is it tell her which way round she is? If you had an entourage, what would you have? If you have an entourage? You'd have a personal Masseuse! She does indeed get her feet massaged.
Outrageous behaviour.
She's like you, Sue.
Keep going.
Keep going.
It's true.
Is that Mel under there? Yeah.
LAUGHTER It's true.
On Bake Off, Paul does massage me.
What kind of massage do you give, Paul? Shoulders.
Go on.
Oh, this is This is almost too erotic.
Don't.
You're going to catch the worst dressed man.
That was wonderful.
I've got a little baguette of my own down here.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well done, Josh's team.
You win the Chris.
Congratulations.
Time now to dust down and crank up the Insert Name Here fruit machine.
Each spin reveals three of our favourites Chrises and it's up to our teams to match the amazing fact to the incredible Chris.
Let's spin.
So, we have hysterical former hurdler Kriss Akabusi, 12th-century Belgian holy woman Christina the Astonishing, and Lady In Red crooner, Chris de Burgh.
So, the question is, which Chris has claimed to have miraculous healing powers? Let's start with you, Richard.
I think maybe Kriss Akabusi has healing powers.
I feel healed just looking at that photograph of him.
LAUGHTER Do you think Chris de Burgh could heal you? I feel sick looking at that photograph.
What's the name of the lady in the middle? Christina the Astonishing.
She sounds amazing.
She was one of these type of saints who didn't eat and she flung herself into frozen rivers to try and get closer to God and she used to jump into fires.
See, it's beginning to sound like hard work now.
Maybe a bit high-maintenance, but she was called the Astonishing because she was in the coffin in her funeral at age 21 and then she flew up into the sky.
Tell you what, Kate, for an intelligent person, you'll believe any old shit.
Never seen that up there.
Who are we going to go for, Captain? I think Kriss Akabusi? Yeah.
I don't like to see Kriss Akabusi up there and not choose him.
Yeah, let's do it.
We'll go Kriss Akabusi has healing powers.
You know earlier, I was telling you I worked at the Millennium Dome? Yes.
Well, before the Millennium Dome opened, all of the staff, in order to inspire us, were taken into a hall.
And Kriss Akabusi came in and spoke to us an hour and it was the most inspiring thing that's ever happened.
And he said, "Those without vision, perish.
" And that's why the Millennium Dome was such a success.
That's also a slogan of Specsavers.
APPLAUSE There was a story in the press Yeah.
.
.
where a woman was in a coma and her favourite song was Lady In Red.
And Chris de Burgh Which is how she fell into the coma in the first place.
And Chris de Burgh went to visit her and she woke up and was healed.
Well, the correct answer is.
Chris de Burgh.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah! Yeah! Well done, everyone.
Indeed.
With an interview with Gloria Hunniford on BBC One's Heaven And Earth Show, Chris said LAUGHTER Hunniford defended him saying Nothing fantastical there.
Josh, you very much win the Chris.
Well done.
Sara, well done.
Next up, we've got panto legend Christopher Biggins, Tory wife Christine Hamilton, and tree trunk-thighed cyclist Sir Chris Hoy.
Which of these Chrises went on somebody else's honeymoon? What do you think, Paul? I think Chris Hoy.
Hmm.
I don't know, I've just got a bit of hunch, I'm saying.
That's probably it.
It's circling round and you've heard it somewhere.
Going on that flimsy kind of thinking, we're going to go with Chris Hoy.
Biggins - 100% the sort of thing he would do.
Yeah, it is, isn't it? 100% the sort of thing where he'd meet someone at the airport and say, "Where are you going?" They'd say, "We're going on a honeymoon.
" And he'd go, "I'm going to come with you.
" Chris Hoy, it's less likely, surely.
Have you considered the fact that Paul has a hunch? If my balls were that heavy, I'd have a hunch.
LAUGHTER I think Biggins.
Do you think, Kate? OK, let's go.
We'll go Biggins.
And you're going to go with Paul's hunch of Chris Hoy.
Well, hunches may not be enough because the answer is Christopher Biggins.
APPLAUSE So, Biggins and Jeremy Irons were at drama school together and he was Irons's best man.
But somehow, Biggins got invited on the honeymoon and the three of them drove down to Spain.
On the way, Biggins suffered heat stroke and spent the first week confined to his room.
Still, it gave Jeremy a chance to spend more time with his wife while she shouted at him, "Why the hell is Christopher Biggins here?!" Congratulations, Richard.
You win the Chris.
Biggins.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH Right, everybody, let's play Finish The Fact.
I'll start by reading out a Chris-based morsel.
Buzz in when you think you know how it ends.
First up, it's theatrical, tight-shorted footballer Cristiano Ronaldo.
BELL Josh.
Sun lamp for too long.
BUZZER Joe.
Me in my dreams.
LAUGHTER No.
BUZZER Replaced Debbie McGee.
You know what? BELL Oh, no.
Josh.
That was the year that he missed in the Champions League final for Man U.
He injured BELL Yeah, he was injured.
He injured his ankle Coincidence? Yes.
LAUGHTER Sadly, no-one gets the Chris there.
But next up, ex-undercover operative Chris Ryan.
BELL Kids.
No! BUZZER Local productions of My Fair Lady.
He's produced military thrillers.
BUZZER Only as old as the fish he feels.
I'd like to read that.
Kate.
BUZZER I think this was under a pseudonym and it was Molly Jackson or something like that.
And I think it was The Fisherman's Daughter.
It was indeed The Fisherman's Daughter.
Well done.
APPLAUSE Absolutely.
Written under his nom de plume of Molly Jackson.
I'll just read you a bit.
"The fishermen took her in his strong arms, "kissed her tenderly on her perfect lips "and unleashed his semiautomatic into the harbour master.
" Well done, Richard.
You win the Chris.
Congratulations.
Well done, Kate.
Next, high-earning Twilight star Kristen Stewart.
BELL What to say when caught cheating on a boyfriend.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! Ooh.
I didn't do it.
She did.
If you want to be famous, what might you practise? BUZZER Autograph.
Yes.
Absolutely right, yeah.
She loved - absolutely loved - taking packages for neighbours.
No, she adored it.
"What's that?" Her idea of hell is a red card on the mat.
"Wonder what it could be.
" LAUGHTER No.
She loved pens.
And weirdly, her career is now stationary.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH So, we've come to the end of the show and I can tell you that our winners, with the most Chrises, are Josh's team.
Yay! APPLAUSE Well done.
Well done.
But now we come to the big one, the big question.
Who is the best Chris of all time? There was only one Chris that got a cheer when their photo was revealed.
Kriss Akabusi.
Yeah.
You heard it here first.
It's with great joy, I declare, Kriss Akabusi is the best Chris of all time.
Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Time to award prizes.
For our winners, it's a bottle of Christina Aguilera's perfume, Touch of Seduction.
There you go.
Ooh! And for our losers, a big bottle of Touch of Seduction.
Ooh, that's got weight.
So sorry.
So sorry.
My thanks to all of my guests.
Special thanks to all the Chrises here, there and everywhere.
And thanks to you, you at home, for watching us.
Good night.
APPLAUSE