Inside Amy Schumer (2013) s01e02 Episode Script

Real Sext

Oh, George, I'm so mixed up about everything.
Folks trying to stop us.
They've always tried to run my life.
Like when I wanted to go to a dance with a roadie.
What's up? That guy Bobby just texted me.
The one who wouldn't hook up with you 'cause you said you look like his mom? No, no, no, no-- No, Bobby is the guy-- I hooked up with him-- Well, we didn't really hook up 'cause I couldn't get him hard.
I thought his name was Graham.
No, that happened with him, too, but, no, no, no, Bobby's the one I, like, really, really, really, really like.
What should I do? Just be yourself.
All right, love you.
Hello? Sync && corrections by XhmikosR God, this is a good looking crowd.
Wow, good job, you guys.
Oh my God, don't clap for how hot you are, look at those chicks.
They're like, we (bleep) brought it.
You did, though.
You know what I realized, though? Like, we don't need to be trying so hard.
Like, look at you.
You obviously showered, you look gorgeous.
We don't need to do that.
Guys are (bleep) gross.
If you saw a line-up of, like, the grossest chick that a guy would (bleep), you would be blown away.
You probably stepped over her to get in this place tonight.
A lot of people have been telling me I look like Jennifer Lawrence.
I don't see that.
Well, I know I'm taller than her.
I'm not crazy.
Jim, what's your problem? I just don't understand why you guys would take me here.
Because you love hot wings.
What are you talking about right now? I do, they're fine, it's just a guy doesn't want to come to O'Nutters right after a breakup.
Why? 'Cause there are a couple of good-looking waiters here? Hey ladies, how we doing? - Hey.
- Hey.
All right, hey, excuse me.
My nuts are down here.
Hey, I'm Amber, welcome to O'Nutters.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
So who's been here before? All right, so can I start anybody off with a little pinot greej? - I'll have one.
- Yeah, me too.
Can I have a beer? Uh, sorry, broham, no beer, but we do have skinny girl white zin spritzers and if you'd like, I can 86 the parasol, throw in a lemon chunk for you.
I'll just have a pinot.
All right, three pinots for my three pinoteers.
Hey, um.
Normally, I wouldn't risk getting in trouble, but you guys seem super cool.
If I were you, I'd go for the pitcher, save you a few bucks.
- Right.
- Great tip, thank you.
Let's do it.
You got it, no problem.
I'm being serious right now.
You guys are models, right? What? Stop.
Oh my God! We all work at Payless.
Oh my God, that's my favorite shoe store.
Get out.
But you guys should quit and become models.
I'll be right back with those pinots, guys.
- Thank you.
- You got it.
Oh my God.
That was so cool, he told us about the pitcher deal.
He did not have to do that.
I should get his number and have him go out with us - when he gets off work.
- Oh my God.
Wake up.
He's just trying to get a bigger tip.
Jim, okay, I know that you're still bummed about Karen, but please, don't just dump your negativity on us.
At work it's one thing, you know, all the shoes are around, the people, but here, on our time, please get it together.
We have one hour for lunch, we're here to have a great time, okay? Listen, I don't mean to eavesdrop on you, brosef, but you don't want to end up like Rupert over there.
Yeah, after his wife left him, he went into a real deep depression.
Got pretty bad.
He forgot how to live.
So sad.
Don't let that happen to you, man, okay? Thank you.
Yeah.
Hey, give me some nuts.
What? Give him some nuts, Jim.
Go on, Jim.
There you go.
A little of this and a little of that and you return the favor.
Touch 'em.
Yeah, see? There you go, huh-- Fun? So cute.
Yeah.
It feels good, Jim-- It's fun, right? What did I just do? It's good.
Go with it, Jim, don't ruin this.
You know what, guys? I think I have got just the cure for senor sad sack over here.
The check? Wet nut contest! Go, go, go! Woo! Jim, get up! Get up! Everybody wants their soul mate now.
You gotta have your soul mate.
Even my mom's still looking for her soul mate.
She's 64.
Her new boyfriend's 70.
I had to meet her 70-year-old boyfriend and make small talk.
This is what it sounded like.
So, Michael, what wars were you in? She's like, talk to him.
I'm like, can he hear me? He's not, like, young, spry, like, 70, he's like Schindler's List-y, like-- I'm half-Jewish, I can half-say that.
He really is.
They're like, new, they're in love.
They're like, we're at a restaurant and she's, like, feeding him, but it just looks like he needs that, it's just like-- They're coming over 'cause they're concerned.
She thinks they're so cute.
She thinks it's so adorable to be like, "We're going steady, we're going steady.
" I'm like, look at him walking to the bathroom.
Like, no one's going steady, he's like-- All of our friends had left us and we were both stuck there.
I mean, Napa Valley of all places, but that's basically how Carlos and I met.
I am very happy to meet you.
Also, I'm finished.
Oh my God, Grandma, no, Carlos is not a busboy.
He's my boyfriend.
I'm so sorry.
Amy, it's okay, she grew up during a different time.
Tell him to start mowing the lawn by the pool so it'll be quiet for my nap.
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This person is what? Drug mule.
A gardener? No.
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Okay, everybody, now watch very closely.
Somebody help him! I'm perfectly fine! Thank you for your concern.
He's so articulate.
That's not a compliment.
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" Chinaman.
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Here's my new class now.
Bitch, I'm trying to help you.
Generations.
I live in Chelsea, you know that neighborhood in New York? It's all gay guys.
It's so painful.
I'm just, like, living in a sea of gorgeous gay men that want nothing to do with me.
But they'll still chime in on my outfit, like they'll be like, "Gross.
" I'm like, what? The other day, I really heard one of them be like, "HPV.
" I was like, um, are you a psychic? Some kind of a gay psychic? Somebody's really pretty today Somebody's really pretty today Ugh.
God.
Ooh, ooh.
Jess? What's wrong? Okay, Bobby just text me, he wants me to send him, like, a sexy picture.
Oh my God, did you? No, no, I've been trying and they're just, like, really bad.
Should I just send him that one where-- Remember I met Hillary Clinton at LaGuardia? Should I send him that one? You can, like, basically see my nipple.
They made me take it off Facebook, so it's definitely not not sexual.
You're taking them yourself? Yeah Wait, what? - Honey, let me call my guy.
- Your guy? Oh, that's Bobby again.
Okay, I'm calling Danny P.
right now.
Danny P.
? - Hi, come on in.
- Hi, thank you.
Cute place.
Do you teach art to cats? Can I offer you something? Offer me what? Half a coconut water and the dirt from your Brita? I think I'm actually good, lonelybones, I'm kind of in a rush.
What do you got already, let's see.
Ooh.
Why the cactus? That's not a-- that's not a cactus.
Okay, we need the bush team on standby, it looks like she's got a Hasidic rabbi living in her underpants.
No offense.
Okay.
We're just gonna clean you up, it'll take a second.
Don't worry, you're in good hands, okay? I've done everyone's.
I'm talking Blake Lively, Scarlett Jo, George Lopez.
It was actually my idea to make Brett Favre's dick, like, bright yellow.
- No, that was you? - That was me.
Let's get to it.
Did you wear that yesterday? Yes! Very good, but don't forget your duck mouth, don't forget that duck mouth.
Now you're in a boat.
You're in a boat because you're Pocahontas and it's the new world! Maybe less feathers.
Smile like you don't have Spanx on.
Yeah! Lay back and look really alluring.
Well, actually, don't look dead.
You're pregnant! You're pregnant with gift cards! Yeah! Oh-- Are you gonna your pants? Oh my God, are you gonna (bleep) your pants? You're so comfy.
Too comfy.
Too comfy.
Look, if you don't watch your (bleep) shadow, I will remove it.
Here we go.
Yes! You've got a secret and only the pillow can know.
Wash yourself.
Wash your whole body and your armpits and under your boobs.
Amy! Oh no, there's a spider in your hair! There's a spider in your hair! No! There's a spider in your hair, get it out! Yes! We have our shot, that's a wrap.
You were amazing.
Yoko! Unplug everything, we're gonna burn this rat's nest down.
You were so great.
I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got to run downtown.
I have to shoot Diane Keaton bottomless with a turtleneck like an hour ago, I'm sure you understand.
Oh my God, I just don't know how to thank you.
Just get (bleep).
Bonsoir.
Anybody ever ask you to send them sexy pictures? I might be a victim.
Oh (bleep).
I'm definitely-- Whoever I send sexy pictures to, they're the victim.
What do they ask for? We're trying to, like, get a general consensus of, like, what kind of sexy pics guys ask for.
Um, I guess ass, titties, I don't know.
Ass and titties, ass, ass and titties.
Has a guy ever asked you to send him a sexy pic? Yes.
- Yeah.
- Did you? It takes like a hundred shots to get the right one.
You should just do what I do.
Only do it without your head in them.
- Yes, yes.
- Right? - What are you? - Pisces.
- No, I mean, what race? - Turkish.
Did you ever send a picture of your penis to anybody? No? That is such a yes! Oh my gosh.
I caved in, it was too much peer pressure, I had to do it.
Why, she was like, send me a picture of your Turkish delight? Pretty much.
I've never sent a sexy picture of myself.
You've never sent somebody a picture of your boobs or anything? No, God, no, never.
What about your butthole? You know, I don't think I've ever even seen my butthole.
You've never seen your butthole? No.
Can I just tell you something don't look.
Have you ever-- you and your boyfriend ever send sex messages to each other? Yes.
Has he ever sent you a picture of his dick? Yes.
Do you like it? Ehh.
- What were you hoping to do tonight? - Just hang out.
- What's your favorite type of porn? - None.
- Do you have any gay friends? - Not that I know of.
Have you ever heard the phrase "oozing with charisma"? - Yes.
- I bet.
How long have you got a moustache? I guess, a couple of months.
- Are you a virgin? - No.
OK.
- Is your boyfriend French? - No.
He's from Ja**.
Is that definitely a place? I feel like our interview isn't gonna go anywhere.
What do you think? Have you ever hit anybody in the face? - Slapped them.
- Yeah.
- My twin sister.
- You have a twin sister? Yes.
- Oh my Gosh, you slapped your face? - Yeah.
- So Kristin, you are a stripper.
- Yes.
And how long have you been doing that? About two and a half years.
What was the first time you stripped like? I went on stage and I was, like, clinging to the pole, awkwardly dancing, just awkward.
Well, how did you know-- Like, if I were to try to pole dance, I would not know the first thing to do.
It would probably look like I was vacuuming.
I personally always clean the pole down before I go onstage.
Why don't they have somebody do that? I don't know, they should.
It takes a little bit of the mystique out of it to see a girl, like-- Right? - Wiping the pole.
- Like, cleaning it.
- Like it's an elliptical.
- Right.
So how much do you feel like you have to manipulate guys? Like, how much is that a part of it? It's a huge part of it, actually.
Like, they want someone to give them attention and like them.
The best stripper who makes the most money, how many guys do you think are out there in the world in love with her? Probably quite a few.
I would saying pushing, between 40 and 50.
Wow.
And how many did you have at the most? I have almost 20.
Like, 20 guys that-- Probably almost thought you were, like, their girlfriend.
Yeah.
Like, they would bring you gifts and jewelry and flowers and one guy started crying in the champagne room 'cause he wanted me to, like, meet his mom.
I'm like, no, no, that's where we draw the line.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Does your boyfriend have a pencil beard? No.
Does he wear a lot of, like, collared shirts with a lot of stripes? Yes.
Yes, he does.
What's the oldest guy you ever gave a lap dance to? Um, I think he was like 97.
His sons brought him in for his birthday and they had to, like, wheel him in.
Yeah.
You gave a lapdance in a wheelchair? It was so awkward, yes.
Well, I didn't even want to do it, but my manager was just like, follow me, and I'm like-- I know where is this going.
- To the wheelchair.
- Yes, exactly.
He had a catheter attached to him.
Walk me through that.
So there's like a squishy little bag and I'm like, oh my God, is that really-- And I'm sort of examining, I'm like, oh no.
Yes, it is.
It was disgusting.
When people find out that you strip, what's the first thing that they assume? Um, they associate it with like prostitution or, like, you're a whore or whatever, but that's not the case.
You know what, I really would bet anything that I'm a bigger whore than you.
I would-- I could give you a real run for your money.
Are you ever just, like, dancing for fun and you feel like it's not fair and people should be paying you? Yeah.
I was with a girl that I don't like and we actually got stuck in an elevator.
The fire department had to come and get us out.
We had to, like, crawl, 'cause it was, like, unlevel, and we had to, like, boost each other up.
Wow.
And we're like fighting the whole time back and forth, I'm just like, get the (bleep) away from me, like, yeah.
Yeah.
I guess I don't see how that relates - to what I just asked you.
- Yeah, no.
I just felt the need to share that story with everyone.
Okay, okay, well, no, I mean, that sounds like a tough night.
What's the most you've ever made in a shift? I think it was like, $2,800.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
What's the least you ever made in a shift? The least was about three.
- Three what? - Hundred.
You don't want to go and, like, take your clothes off for, like, $300, so I have done it for free so many times.
I'm like, that sounds awesome.
I have had people pay me to put my clothes back on.
How do you commit to one person, though? How do you say yes to one person? Like, for me, as I get older, the sex that I'm into changes.
It does.
Like, I used to sleep with mostly Hispanic guys, but now I just prefer consensual.
We've all been a little raped, okay, just a skotch, just a hair.
Every girl I know has one night, usually in college and she's like, huh.
I think that was rape.
Not totes consensh.
I don't remember yelling "yes.
" And it's not all black and white.
There's a gray area of rape.
Like, you've been graped.
I can tell.
Grape happens.
What do you want me to say? All right, three pinots.
I guess that makes me the umpire.
One, two, three pinots and I'm out.
All right, I guess that makes me Gepetto and my three Pinot-chios! If I were you, I'd go with a pitcher.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, It's so embarrassing.
All right, I'm cool, I'm cool.
So easy.
Magic.
Sync && corrections by XhmikosR