Inside Amy Schumer (2013) s01e04 Episode Script

The Horror

My friend sent me a porn link this morning.
Like, you know, my friend and I will send each other porn once in a while.
Just so, you know, if it's good, or if one of the guys looks like one of our dads or something fun, just You know, we're having a friendship.
I don't know, I've just never really been into porn.
I mean, the idea of people getting paid to have sex, it's just it's awful, it's never ever turned me on.
Totally, like, I hear you, but trust me this is-- It's just different.
It's not like porny-porn, it's It feels like real sex.
It just happens to be, literally, from the woman's point of view.
- I'm curious, I guess.
- Yeah.
Oh Oh Move down, move down.
Move down, move down.
Ow, you're on my hair.
Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Did you ever see that movie, "Spanglish"? What? Call me Adam Sandler.
Can you-- can you-- Move your-- bend your leg back more? No.
Oh, all right, sorry.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Ohh! Oh Oh oh Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.
Can I get a $75 bid now? At $75 Did you show me this so I would think guys were gross and I would lez-out with you? It worked.
Sync && corrections by XhmikosR Do you think there's, like, a porn they can make for women that would be more appealing? Bottomless guys vacuuming, I don't know.
'Cause they're cleaning up.
Trashy porn is so gross.
I thought you were gonna say "trapeze" but I'm glad you said "trashy.
" I generally don't watch porn.
You liar.
No one believed you.
That car is honking at what a liar you are.
I had an encounter with a huge (bleep) this past year.
Are you excited about it? 'Cause I wasn't, it was A huge penis, I think it's like a unicorn.
Like in theory, you're like, "Yes! I would love to see a unicorn up close, yes.
" But if a unicorn was actually standing in front of you, you'd be like, "(bleep) that.
" You would run.
You'd run, you'd be like, "Oh, it's just a horse with a weapon on its head.
" Which is what a giant penis is.
The only difference is, unicorns are white.
Who in here has had an encounter with a mind-blowingly huge penis? Oh my God, wait, you should see how sad all the guys look right now, just A sea of sad faces.
Like you, you're like, "Meredith, I believe she asked a question, um" Making her clap.
She's like, "I heard her.
" Yeah, I think big penises, they're just, like, superfluous.
It's like a Hummer limo.
You know, they look cool, but if you can't park it anywhere, what's the point? I'm sorry, Amy.
You're allergic to alcohol.
You can never have another drink for the rest of your life.
Second opinion.
Second opinion.
You can never have another drink.
You're allergic to alcohol.
Blah, blah, blah, if Peyton stays healthy, blah, blah, blah.
He's the star, blah, blah, blah.
But Eli, blah, blah, blah.
Backbone blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah, Rogers and Brady won the blah, blah, blah.
Zone one "D," bro, blah, blah, blah.
- Blah, blah, sport.
- Sport.
- Sport, sport, sport, sport - Sport, sport sport, sport - sport, sport - Sport, sport, Amy, - sport, sport - Sport, sport, Amy You're allergic to alcohol.
You can never have another drink.
Yiling went back to China.
I do your bikini area today.
Oh oh It looks like inside of barbershop vacuum.
Hate you.
Everyone hates you! Sport, sport You can never have another drink Give me more wax! Blah, blah, blah, Madison for a girl, Hunter for a boy, blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah, push present, blah, blah, blah? Oh, blah, blah, Ann Taylor Loft, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah, natural birth, blah, blah, blah.
Zero fat? Zero calories? And who do we have here? Excuse me, shoppers.
We will now play the entire soundtrack to "Rent" and"Newsies.
" Also, Amy is the prettiest customer we've ever had in here, and Hilary Duff is someone we've had in here.
Amy, it's me, Ron, your handsome ex-boyfriend.
This is my fiancée, Karen.
We're getting married.
And you will see That Newsboys sell the paper Newsboys! Best of all - Yes.
One puppy for every Newsie.
I went home with this guy and, um and he went down on me right away, 'cause he was raised well.
Uh I'm thinking, like, "Get his mom's e-mail.
" She needs a shout-out.
So he's doing that, and then he kind of gave up eventually 'cause he could see I was texting.
I'm like, "It's about you," so He kind of presents his penis.
Like, he's like, here it is.
And I think he thought because I'm like a substantial gal that I'd be like, "That old thing?" But I was like, "Mom!" It didn't even register as a (bleep).
Like, it just looked like an animal had latched on.
Like, wouldn't let go.
We should call someone.
Where does that sleep at night? Is there a stable, does that sleep in hay? So I was not excited, it was all fear.
I was just like, "What? No.
" And I know I should've been excited.
I should've been taking Instagram pics with it, like, huh Unh-unh, like fun, possible holiday photos, right? I was, like, getting myself psyched.
I'm like, "Come on, bitch.
"You played volleyball in high school.
"You did that You can do this.
" And he was getting weirded out 'cause I was saying all this out loud.
I was like, who am I kidding? I'm gonna sleep with this guy.
What am I, a war hero? So so I was like, "Do you have a condom?" And he was like, "No.
" And I was like "Way to call me on my bluff.
You know I don't care.
" It really takes the wind out of your sails for a guy to be like, "Nope.
" And you're like, "All right.
" This haircut is a disaster.
You'll be hearing from my lawyer, okay.
I'm gonna shut this entire operation down.
- Oh, God.
- I'm so sorry.
- I didn't see you.
- No, it's fine, I'm sorry.
Let me help you.
This-- this is mine.
Oh, right, I'm sorry.
Uh, this is weird.
I never do this but I love your hair.
Oh, really, no.
I think it's the most amazing hairdo I've ever seen in my life.
What would you even call a shape like that? Oh, I a circle? Okay, yeah, yeah, I see that now.
A hair circle.
Huh, well I guess I love hair circles, who knew? Life is so full of lessons and surprises.
Do you wanna grab coffee or something? Uh, yes, yes, I would.
- Okay.
- Great.
- I'm Amy.
- Oh, it's nice to meet you.
I can't believe you like my perm.
I was really mad about it.
Oh, wow, cool dog.
Is that a permanent dog? - What? - Come here.
- I love you.
- I love you.
Hi, you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.
Yes, you are.
I love your hair circle.
Does he go to a salon to get this done? Look at the golden light on you.
Oh, my God.
Oh, I love you.
And he's like really, really hot.
So what's the catch? I think he may only be interested in me because I have this perm.
You're being crazy.
I don't know.
So then I said, "You, sir, may sit on my face.
" And then what did your perm say, Angie? What? I mean, what did your dad say, perm-perm? Yeah, no He's only interested in you because of your perm.
Also, I think he thinks your name is Angie.
He definitely thinks my name is Angie.
What should I do? He's really hot.
I know.
Angie my life has changed since the day I ran into you and your perm.
And I think it's time that you and I became permanent.
Oh, my God! Huh? Oh, baby.
Oh, my God! - What the hell?! - What's wrong? What happened?! - What, my hair? - Yes! It grows out, what's wrong with you? It's called a permanent.
They just call it that.
- It's so (bleep) up! - Wait, what?! God, it's so (bleep) ugly! - No! - No! What's wrong with you? Oh, no! - My head.
- I'm so sorry, come here.
Give me the ring.
No! Cliff, are you coming back? Perm! We tried to have sex.
We tried.
And it didn't work at all.
It didn't fit, it was like Did you see that Winnie the Pooh where he eats too much honey and he gets stuck in his door? No, you guys had joyless childhoods? Okay.
It was like a truck getting stuck in the Holland Tunnel.
That's what it was like.
And I see your faces.
Like, I'm not trying to make it sound like I have some dainty tea-drinking vagina.
Just like this-- just thimble of a "Downton Abbey" watching summering in the vineyard (bleep).
Like, no.
In that example, it was the Holland Tunnel.
Well, it's accurate, costs about $12, uh a lot of guys from Jersey have been in it.
Babe, can we watch something else? - I hate these movies.
- Why? 'Cause I-- I fart when I get scared.
See? Oh, come on, it's cute.
No it's gross.
Oh, my God, this really annoys me.
These dumb girls always bring their cell phones with them to hide.
The killer hears it.
That's how they get caught.
God I'm sorry.
It's all right.
- Do you want another beer? - Yeah, I'll take one.
- You want me to pause it? - No.
Oh, my God, baby, you scared me.
Jake Jake! No, no, no Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.
this is Karen.
You see these damn kids? I'm sick of these prank calls.
Oh But no, it didn't fit, it didn't work.
I was like packing up my wares, you know.
Good luck in all your endeavors.
Follow me on Twitter-- leaving.
He couldn't believe I was leaving.
He's like, "Don't you wanna keep trying?" I was like, "No.
" I was like, "Why, so I can walk around New York "with my new gaping vagina, just "Hey "What, no, I just had a good weekend.
Hey!" Picking up my NuvaRing off the subway platform.
Like, uh "Did anyone see where it rolled?" A rat's wearing it like a crown.
I'm like, wait! Wait.
The saddest version of "The Nutcracker.
" So, Kareem, you have a huge penis.
Um, at what age did you realize that your penis was bigger than other peoples? I was watching a television show, um AKA, a Triple-X movie.
A television show-- you're watching porn, okay.
And I noticed that mine was the same size as a grown man.
And how old were you? I was in my teens, I was probably like 14.
What word do you say? I say, like, penis or (bleep) if I'm feeling comfortable.
I have the name Mr.
Manhattan, so Do you call your penis Mr.
Manhattan? Mr.
- It's a star.
- It sounds like a star.
Have you ever been nervous for a girl to see, or are you always pretty excited? I've heard, "Wow!" You know what I mean? - You know, yeah, yeah - Hey! That kind of a Yeah, you could hit a high Whoo Oh, wow.
So people find the Lord - in your underwear.
- Doves will release Pigeons will release into the air.
You changed it from doves to pigeons, you downsized it? Have you ever showed it to a girl and she just started crying? No.
Do you wanna see if that happens right now? No, just kidding.
Does it take you longer to jerk off than other guys? Jerk off chronicles-- um, ended in my earlier stages.
You never jerk off? No, not now, no.
Why, is it too hard? You need like a team of experts to come in? - Well - They're like, heave-ho Um What's going on with your balls? Are they-- are they bigger? Um, it's perfect, actually.
You know what I mean, it's like, um a hot dog with two meatballs, you know what I mean? That doesn't sound perfect.
They're fantastic, my balls are fantastic.
I do not doubt that.
What are their names? Hoboken and Secaucus? Do you get excited when you find out a girl has a big (bleep)? - No.
- No? Yeah, that doesn't excite me.
You're not like, "Oh, you're finally gonna go home"? You know, you don't say like, "Oh, we found a place for you, boy"? Have you ever tried anal? And where is she buried? That's hilarious.
Perm! What's in this? Fresh fruit.
So easy.
Mmm, magic.
Sync && corrections by XhmikosR