Inside Amy Schumer (2013) s01e06 Episode Script

Meth Lab

Amy, you look amazing-- what are you doing? Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig? Yeah, right.
Those take too much self-control.
Last time I checked, I wasn't a robot.
Boop-boop-boop, nope.
How'd you do it? With Slap Chef.
With Slap Chef.
With Slap Chef.
Slap Chef, what's that? It's a new weight-loss program that takes decision-making out of the equation.
How does it work? First, one of Slap Chef's world-class chefs makes you one of their signature dishes.
Then before you can say Slap Chef, they knock it out of your stupid mouth.
Slap Chef! What kind of food do they make? All kinds.
Slap Chef! Lobster bisque with crème fraîche.
Slap Chef! (bleep) Turkey.
Slap Chef! Fettucine Alfredo.
But what if I fight back? Go for it.
All of the chefs are trained in the art of tai chew moi.
I swear to God if you ever touch me again I'll-- Slap Chef.
What about that mumbo-jumbo I heard about Slap Chef being just abject violence against women? Hmm? Slap Chef.
Sync && corrections by XhmikosR Do you guys remember, like, do you remember bread? Remember? Do you remember this, white girls, bread? It's mostly made of bread.
You would eat it and feel good.
You wouldn't like, cut yourself and cry and be, like, "How can I do this to America?" Let's just eat bread again.
Men don't care, they don't care.
So I guess, like, some guys, they wanna sleep with a girl that's, like, a skeleton wrapped in plastic.
That's fine if that's what you want.
But I'm gonna keep eating and showering infrequently, uh It is time for our "Get Up" makeover six-month follow up.
I love this.
I know how you do.
- You might remember Amy.
- Sure.
Whose co-workers thought this overworked people pleaser needed a day of pampering and a new look to snag her a man.
Wow, that is hideous.
- Ohh - Somebody's gonna die alone.
So six months ago, Lisa, our makeover expert-- - I love her.
- I know.
She's the best in the business.
She went to work and she turned that into this.
That's a beautiful woman.
- I know.
- She looks terrific.
She looks great.
So Lisa is at her house live-- - Hmm? - And we're gonna check in and see how she's been maintaining her new look.
Hi guys, I am so excited to see Amy and how pretty she looks.
Oh! I'm sorry, I think I may have the wrong house, I-- Amy? Yeah, you have the right house.
Get in here, you lifesaver.
- Oh.
- Hi! Oh, my God.
I knew that you would think I wouldn't be able to keep this look going on, but check it out! I did it, girl! We did it! What happened to your-- your hair? Well, you know what, I knew if I shampooed it, I would lose this beachy-wave thing that you guys created, so I just been skipping it.
I mean, you were right.
I don't have to blow-dry it.
I don't have to wash it.
It's so easy.
No, I definitely never said you didn't have to wash it.
- I thought you said that.
- I never said that.
So Why is there an elliptical in the bathtub? - Oh, you know what? - Oh, my God.
I never had space for it before, but I just thought, you know, now that the bathroom's kind of like irrelevant, just go for it, you know? I mean, why not have a fierce booty to match my slamming new style? Oh, my God.
You haven't been showering, is that-- Uh, no, no.
But people have been showering me with compliments.
Well, it looks like you haven't even washed your face.
Okay, okay, yeah, you know what? I loved that smokey-eye thing that you guys did, so I knew I couldn't recreate it, so I just let it bake in.
Well, you didn't have to recreate it.
It's just mascara, just an extra layer.
It's easy.
Right, right, right, but I'm like a total idiot.
So that's why it's important that I'm hot.
Have you even changed your clothes? No, I didn't.
And now I can't.
Excuse me, ma'am is this your residence? We've had some complaints about a foul smell here.
Hi, I live here.
Uh, the neighbors are worried that someone may have died.
Oh, no, nobody died, but my body is sick.
Hi, I'm Amy.
Boyfriend alert.
- Hi.
- Hi.
If there's one thing that you could change about the way you look, what would it be? The way I look? I don't even really think about that.
Well, think about it now.
You're pulling off braces pretty good.
Yeah, I used to wear braces on my legs.
Have you ever had sex with a fat chick? - Yes.
- How was it? It was so funny.
If she would've sneezed, she could've threw me into the TV.
Me trying to hold her legs to the bed to try to do that, and if she would've sneezed she could've tossed me across my bed.
The old saying, if she would've sneezed, - I would've been in my TV.
- Correct.
Ooh I think I left most of myself in there.
Uh, I'm telling ya.
I was seeing stars at one point.
I always tell people no one stinks up a bathroom like my brother Skeet.
I'll tell you what.
That's what I tell them.
- No, Becky! - What! Don't mix those two things.
It's very explosive.
I'm sorry I yelled at ya.
I know you got the blinks now, but we've gotta get this batch right.
If we can do that, we can move out of this dump and move into where dreams comes true.
Yeah, that's right, Skeet.
Good-bye Kansas City, Kansas.
Hello, Kansas City, Missouri.
We'll go fishin' like we used to, right, Skeeter? That's right, Beck.
And we're gonna be using real fishin' wire this time.
Oh, that's right, Skeet.
Oh, our best days lie ahead of us.
- No, Becky - What! Holy Moses.
What the hell? Oh, my God, Beck, don't look down.
What? Why? What, ah, I got no damn arms! Yeah, it seems like they come up missing.
I can still go fishin', right, Skeet? Sure, sure you can.
Uh, yeah, we'll go fishin' still, yeah.
I mean, we could still kick possums around the coal mine.
You don't need no arms for-- for possum kicking, do you, Skeet? Yeah, I suppose you don't kick with your arms, yeah.
Hey, listen, pumpkin.
I'm gonna go put these in some ice and call an ambulance, all right? No, they'll put us in jail for sure.
I'll just use this here towel to stop the bleeding.
No, Becky Lee! Oh! Oh, jeez.
Beck, where are ya? - Beck? - Skeet? Holy Moses.
I can't seem to feel my legs, Skeet.
That's 'cause you ain't got none, Beck.
Oh, makes sense then.
Well, we can still do all those things we talked about, right, Skeeter? Uh, yeah, sure, sure.
I guess you could put my torso on a log by the creek.
And I could sing one of my good songs? Sure, we can do all that.
Your torso's gonna see the world.
It sure is, Skeet.
What are you doing now? I need to cauterize the wound.
No, Beck! We're gonna make it, right, Skeet? That's right, Beck.
Hey, how 'bout ya sing us one of them good songs? Possum bleeding on my torso Critters nibblin' my neck - Did you almost die ever? - Um yeah.
My cousins would call it the first kid to ever die off of marijuana.
You got that high.
Yeah, and I kinda like passed out.
- That would be the slowest death.
- Ever.
Oh, my gosh.
- But you still do it? - Yeah.
You have to be real careful not to do drugs and black out 'cause you can wind up with your own mother(bleep) TV show! You've tried Slap Chef.
But that just left you hungry and with a searing headache.
And those other weight-loss programs are exhausting.
Can't I just do nothing? What if I told you you could with Sleep Gym? I'd say sign me up.
But what's Sleep Gym? Sleep Gym is a workout program where we do all the work.
Huh? Are you from Sleep Gym? After we induce you into a coma, it's off to the gym.
As the Sleep Gym trainers take your body through strenuous workouts, the increased blood flow painlessly burns the calories away.
You'll never have to feel yourself doing annoying things like hiking, kickboxing, the official bootcamp of the United States Navy Seals.
Move it, you sleepy piece of (bleep)! All right, see you later, Mom! Where are you going? The gym.
Sleep Gym, order now.
I dated a wrestler this past summer, yeah, yeah, I dated a wrestler.
And that was not my world, I don't know-- I knew nothing, I didn't know how to talk to him.
He'd be like, "I'm going to work.
" I'd be like, "Have a great contest!" He's like, what? I'd be like, "Who are you wrestling tonight, Stillborn?" He's like, "That's not a name," I'm like, "Okay.
" And we were just, like, way different in the bedroom, you know, like, we had different styles.
His style was like, really energetic and like moving around and, like, my style, like, what I like, I like to, like, lay there.
So You're gonna be obsessed with Amy, she is the best trainer I've ever had.
Perfect, I need this.
I've been so bad lately.
Good afternoon, ladies.
Oh, I see some of you are back for more, love it.
Let's get started, warm-ups, jumping jacks, you know 'em, you love 'em.
This is not an exercise class.
This is a funeral for the fat you, okay? Let me tell you something.
You will not be missed.
By the time you leave here, your titties are gonna be squirting Muscle Milk.
Is that something you're interested in-- I am.
All right, keep eye contact with yourself in the mirror, look at who you are.
Is that who you want to be? Let's get to know each other while we're here today.
Maybe after.
That's good, ladies.
Bring it down for the step and touch, step and touch.
Great heat coming off your broiler.
People tell you that? No, nope, no one's ever.
- I think we can turn up the temp.
- Whoa! All right, look, I'm not gonna mince words with you, sweethearts-- this workout is hard.
You will be a weapon with a (bleep) on it.
I like this, you didn't have this last time.
Okay, squat it down.
Hold it here.
Go lower.
By the time you leave here, you will literally be unrapeable.
That's right.
All right, ladies, forehead planks.
Get down, hit it, hit it.
Hit it! Keep it down.
This does technically violate the Geneva Convention.
Waterboarding my (bleep), this is the real torture right here.
This is the real torture! A lot of people don't know, this is the exercise that broke up Anne Heche and Ellen.
Maybe you didn't know they were together, that was a big news item for a while.
Do not tweet that, I should not have even said that.
That is not-- That's privileged information, forget I said that.
Just hold it down here, okay, hold it down! If you commit to this workout here today, your abs are gonna be so tight, you won't be able to have children.
Maybe your boyfriend's cool with that.
I don't know, maybe you don't have a boyfriend.
Maybe you're of a different persuasion.
I'm sorry? Kegel! Here we go.
Draw your vagina in and hold it so tight so you could, like, rip a dick in half, you know, or some other metaphor that's more personal to you.
- You doing 'em? - Yep.
- Really? - Yes, I am.
'Cause you know, if you cheat, you're only cheating yourself.
I know, that's why I'm doing them.
I mean, I'll check, it'll be my pleasure.
Oh, okay.
Now you're doing 'em.
I want to tell you guys a little story, okay, a story about a little fat girl, a little fat girl with a heart of gold.
All she wanted to do is eat Dunkaroos and watch "DuckTales.
" I punched her in the face because she was a pussy! I hope there aren't any pussies in here, 'cause I eat pussy for breakfast.
She eats pussies for breakfast.
- Do what she says! - Pussy.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know we were talking.
Is this HBO's "In Treatment"? Is that what you think this is? I don't think it's HBO's "In Treatment.
" Oh no, what do you think it is? I'd love to hear what you think it is.
You've got my attention, what are you gonna do about it? Whoa! Whoa, stay away from my window, Melissa Etheridge.
Chill it out right now.
- I'm so sorry, I think we-- - Wrong team.
I think I misunderstood.
I'm a dick lady.
I love dick.
That's what I do-- Tons of dick.
Round-the-clock dick, dick parade.
Anyway, everybody line up.
Uterus thrusts, okay.
And I don't want you to feel weird about what just happened when you just tried to kiss me.
Okay, here we go, don't be a stranger to the person in front of you.
Thrust it, feel it, okay? Okay, that's enough, that's-- that's good.
Keep it just moving around the room, okay.
Keep it moving around the room.
I-- I do women, actually.
I'm not a lesbian-- I look like a lesbian.
You do, you do, you could be gay.
But people think I'm gay.
- When I'm (bleep) them out.
- Yeah.
What type of a person would you guys have a threesome with? Would she have to be, like, clean? Did you say, "Would she have to be clean?" Uh-huh, you want it to be a dude? No, I would want it to be a girl, I just find it, you know, - funny, 'cause you were-- - That I assumed it? Yeah.
Well, I mean, I'm obviously feeling that we have a vibe.
But what kind of a girl, other than, like, you know, a comedian who grew up on Long Island? You tried Slap Chef.
You tried Sleep Gym.
But now it's time to try something that really works.
Introducing Sever Spine, the new way to lose weight by eliminating your nervous system altogether.
By harnessing the power of atrophy, Sever Spine gets rid of all those unwanted muscles.
I wanted to lose weight for my high school reunion, but I didn't have a lot of time.
Thanks, Sever Spine.
How'd you like to get between those two chopsticks, huh? Take a number.
Are you one of the millions who tried Slap Chef, Sleep Gym, Sever Spine and suffered serious injury or lost wages? Hi, I'm Martin Davis of the law offices of Wakovy & Davis.
Our legal team specializes in recovering monies for innocent victims like you.
Remember that fat ass? Yuck.
Hi, I'm Martin Daniels.
My eating was out of control, and exercise? Forget it.
That is, until I invented these.
Sit 'Em Ups! You can do these things everywhere.
On the living room, in front of a house, in the bathroom during a fancy dinner party.
It just seems like a regular sit-up.
Well, it is! Why do I need you to tell me to do sit-ups? Can't I just do sit-ups and not pay you money? Let me ask you something.
Before I said, "Do sit-ups," were you thinking about doing sit-ups? - No.
- Then shut your fat mouth! Sit 'Em Ups! Order now! So, Dominique, you are a ballerina.
Yes, I am.
When I think of a ballerina, I think of very sort of buttoned up and repressed.
- That's not right? - No.
The first thing when I tell people that I'm a dancer, - they think a pole-- it's really funny.
- Really? You're not coming in as stripper to me, like, I'm not like, oh, this girl (bleep) for money.
I know! You actually have to shift your hips a lot.
But not in the typically sexy way, like, when you think a ballerina's hips, you're not like-- Like, you know, you have to pull your dick out.
If you think about it, we try and pick our legs up as high as possible, so it actually has always been an on-the-low sexy thing.
No, it's no secret, like, if a girl can put her leg up here, like, that seems it would be easier to put a (bleep) right in there.
That's the thinking, right? Do you think you are better at, like, sex than most people because you're flexible? Actually, I definitely had guys who just expect you to just do splits all the time.
That's so gross.
Just like-- Yeah, it's like, even sexually, it's like, maybe sometimes you don't want to put your legs - over your head, you know.
- Exactly.
Luckily, no one ever expects anything from me.
How much percent of the day would you say you're hungry? You always want something to eat, but you can never actually eat a whole meal because you always have to be ready to do a little workout where you can fit it in.
Do people look mostly overweight to you? I think when we're in the studio, I'll have that feeling of, "Am I the biggest dancer in the room? Oh my goodness "" You should be a comedian.
I am always the most gorgeous person in the room.
Like, if your boyfriend were to take you to the perfect restaurant, what would it be? Would it literally be, like, a birdfeeder? I'm gonna list food and you tell me if you would eat that.
Mac and cheese.
No, definitely not.
Have you ever eaten a whole donut? No.
Not since I was a kid, maybe.
Pizza with prosciutto, asparagus and parmesan cheese, - like a brick oven-- - It sounds really great-- Oh wait, no, I'm just ordering something, I'm sorry.
Are there straight male ballerinas? There are.
Do girls just, like, fight over them? Just like, just-- buns being ripped out and blood when there's a stray dude around or what? I never wanted to date within my class.
Like, meaning financially? No! I meant within our studio.
Oh, okay.
Have you ever gotten drunk? - No.
- You should try it.
I think you'd be really fun to see drunk.
It would probably be good for you to lose control a couple times, and this is coming from someone who has, you know, shown their breasts at many horse races and just bars, kind of, for fun.
Do you do any-- anything? Any recreational substance abuse? No, unless you count chocolate, which is really bad for a ballerina.
I don't, I don't count chocolate.
I mean, it's not an addiction that-- You're never gonna (bleep) for chocolate.
Are you a good dancer? I could possibly, you know, do a little one-two.
Really? I don't know, are you gonna show me something? Like, I'm working with something.
What are you working with? Let's see.
I don't know, you show me a step that you do out in the clubs, I don't know.
I really don't like to dance out on the street, but, what? What do you call that? I dropped something.
Wait, what's happening? I want to see you, like, drop it like it's hot, let me see it, uhh.
Yeah, like a sudden drop-- Yeah, get it.
You do it better than me, I'm jealous.
You're not even really doing it, you just look like you're punching me.
- No, Becky Lee! - Wahh! (bleep).
Stop trying to make me laugh with your snorting, you (bleep).
Heeeeaaaaaat! Keep that.
We're We're gonna make it When you're in a coma, your eyes cross, right? So easy.
Mmm, magic.
Sync && corrections by XhmikosR