Inside Amy Schumer (2013) s01e09 Episode Script

Terrible People

Uhh, extra sprouts and no mayo.
My name's Amy.
She's cute.
Freedom Tower is, like, really coming along, huh? God, I can't believe it's been 12 years since 9/11.
Oh, my God, I know.
It's bananas.
Time really flies.
I can't remember, do they take a long time here? No, they're usually pretty quick.
I was actually supposed to be meeting my girlfriend at the World Trade Center that day.
I mean, I'm on, like, Walker Street and I hear this crazy noise, but, like, I wasn't thinking it was anything bad, but then I look up.
I'm just kind of freaking out right now that I want mayo, you know? I'm like, why did I act like I didn't want it? But I don't have to go and talk to them.
I am so present and here with you right now.
I can stay.
Uh, well-- Everything's cool.
They're gonna put mayo on it, sorry.
Okay, so what's going on in the story, - what were you-- - Uh, the fireball.
Ooh, right.
Keep going.
Yeah, so for hours, I'm like, calling my girlfriend and-- Right.
I can't get through to her.
Oh, my God, is that Dina Lohan? It's like a pile of cups.
Sorry, what's happening? Yeah, I'm calling my girlfriend-- - Right.
- And I can't-- Like, I can't reach her, 'cause all the cell phones are jammed and everyone is trying to call-- Verizon.
It's Verizon, right? They cannot get it together.
It's been like 130 years, like-- Like, help us out.
Help us make a call, right? Verizon, it's like, run a business.
Can we stand over there? I'm scared I'm not gonna hear when they call my name and I want to keep an eye on my sandwich.
Yeah, sure.
It's loud over here.
You thought she was dead? Yeah, so finally, at like 8:00 p.
, my girlfriend calls me, but she's so hysterical, I can barely understand a word she's saying-- Yeah, wait, speaking of that, can you just stop talking for, like, one second? I'm trying to Shazam this song and it's like, not tagging, I think 'cause you're talking to me.
Yeah, I know it's Robin Thicke but I don't know what Robin Thicke.
You know, just-- Oh, it's Pink.
I'm an idiot.
- Amy? - Oh.
Thank you.
Anyway, so she made it out, but, like as they were running, they heard these loud noises and they realized that it was a-- Oh, my gosh! They didn't put mayo on my sandwich.
Why is my life the worst life? Do you want to take it back? No, I don't want them to think I'm an (bleep).
God, I'm in the worst mood now, whatever! So where were you on 9/11? I don't remember.
I still think I'm in my twenties, I really do.
At bars, I still show my license.
They're like, we can see your face.
Just go in.
Did you want us to know you're not an organ donor? What's the worst job you've ever had? I worked at a yoga center once and my boss was a jerk.
Like, he put me in an arm lock once behind my back.
I said, "Could you not do that again?" And he said, "I won't show you any more love".
- Gee, that is abusive.
- True story.
I was younger at the time.
Now you'd be like, ah, how about get the (bleep) off me? What's the worst job you ever had? I used to work at Bed Bath & Beyond a long time ago.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Well, it was cool, 'cause I got-- I learned how to fold towels the right way and I'm kind of anal about that now.
I bet you are.
This is how we will provide the vaccinations to all the underprivileged children in the world.
Incredible, Charles, really incredible.
Well, before we vote to approve funding for Charles' project, it's my honor to welcome our newest board member, Amy BlackBerry.
Hey guys.
I know you all think I'm here just 'cause my dad owns this company and like a third of all the phones on Earth, but honestly, I submitted for this job under a fake name, just like Tori Spelling on "90210".
Well, regardless, we are thrilled to have you here.
Welcome to the team.
Cool how cool.
Well, let's vote.
Oh, you know what, if I could just interject here, I actually had a different plan I wanted considered for that same funding.
I know my dad's really behind it.
I don't want that to affect anybody's decision, it's just an FYI.
Okay, Amy, yeah, go right ahead.
Yeah? - Yeah.
- Okay, great.
Um, I have two words for you guys.
Just two words.
"Cat park.
" Huh? "Cat park.
" Raise your hand if you've ever heard of a dog park.
I know I have.
And now raise your hand if you've seen a cat park? Yeah, are you guys with me right now? We build the first ever cat park, right here in our community.
These are the ears, these are the eyes, whiskers, nose.
What's missing? The mouth.
Why is there no mouth? Because I'm speaking for cat park.
Pass it around, take a swig.
Okay, some of you still have some questions, that's fair.
Just watch this.
Cat park Cat park Cat park Cat park Cat park Cat Park Cat park Cat Park Cat park I like that video.
Cat park will serve as a safe haven, not only for cats, but for cat owners, too? Is this real? - Are you real? - Yes.
Okay, I get it, "cat park.
" But why now? Why not meow? There will be a section of cat park with a slide and you will put the cat on the slide and you can watch that cat slide down that slide.
All right-- That kicks ass.
I know you're all thinking, will babies be allowed in this park? No, they will be arrested if they enter the park.
This doesn't make any sense.
- Shut up, Charles.
- Yeah, Charles.
Cat park.
It's simple.
Well, I mean, it's not that simple.
No one's ever thought of it before.
I am the first one.
Well, I don't think we need to vote on this, but let's just do it for fun.
All in favor of approving Amy's cat park? We could have saved millions of kids, but after seeing that presentation, I don't want to save kids.
I want to entertain cats.
Welcome to cat park! Thank you for the standing ovation, everybody.
Standing O.
Snowball? Rembrandt? Where's Lady Guinevere? Buddy? - Hey, Buddy? - Crystal? Rembrandt, are you here? I've lost my cat! Mittens, I can't find you! I can't find my cat! Are you a cat person or a dog person? Walk me through it, where do you stand? We kind of grew up with a cat.
- What was his name? - You know Was it a girl or boy? Various names, Kitty, Bubs, Talbot, officially.
This cat sounds like a real (bleep), I'm gonna be honest with you.
Thank you so much for seeing me.
Well, I can only tell you what the spirits say through me, but is there someone you'd like to speak to? Yes, my grandma passed recently.
I'd love to just talk to her one more time.
Well, let's see if we can find her.
I'm seeing someone, it's a male who died recently.
An uncle, a brother, Ricky, Roadie Oh.
My Uncle Randy? Uncle Randy, yes.
Oh, my God What-- Does he see my grandma? He says she'll be here soon.
He says he was in the neighborhood and he's just gonna hang out until she gets here.
Okay, fine.
Now he's telling me you've really grown up.
No, seriously, you look good.
You look like a woman now.
All right.
He's showing me a trampoline, a little girl jumping up and down on a trampoline and a man watching her very closely, never taking his eyes off of her.
Right, yeah, he used to get me a trampoline and a bathing suit like, every year.
He wants to know if you still use it and if so at what times.
I don't even know where they are.
Is my grandma here? Yes.
Oh my God, Grandma, is that you? No, it's still Randy.
Now he's telling you to relax and not to worry and he's rubbing your shoulders.
Oh my God, he's touching me right now? He says you have a lot of tension.
Two huge knots.
Oh, gross.
He wants to know, are you still friends with that girl, Erin? Erin? Pigtails? Amazingly heavy sleeper? Oh my God, I'm leaving.
How much do I owe you? Wait, wait! Your grandma's here.
Grandma! She wants to know if she can bum a cigarette.
What a (bleep).
People think 'cause I talk about sex on stage, like, "Oh, I bet she's dirty.
I suck, I'm lazy.
My version of dirty talk-- This is what it is, okay? When I do it, twice a year, this is what it is.
I whisper something I don't mean with half-confidence and the guy goes "What?" And I go, "What?" That's it.
You're married Christian and you're looking for a meaningful relationship on the side.
Now you can find God's other match for you at AshleyMagdalene.
With my husband so busy running a gay rehab center, it's important to me to cheat with someone who shares my Christian values.
It's easy and free.
Start browsing millions of profiles online at the leading site for Christian cheating.
Catch me, Jesus, I'm falling Hear me Jesus I'm I'll be in town for a few days chairing a convention on Faith, Flag and Family and I'd like to meet a discreet woman of strong moral character who will let me try it in the butt.
Don't ask "What would Jesus do?" Ask, "Who would Jesus do?" Log on to Ashley Magdalene today.
I live in the woods with my wife and nine children and I just want to meet another guy in my same situation.
Nothing sexual.
I just want to hang out like dudes.
Maybe measure each other's pigs.
Ashley Magdalene.
Find God's other match for you.
Hey, you busy? Oh no, I'm just browsing new sources.
Come in, come in, bitch, what's up? Well, you know I'm just getting over breast cancer, right? I know, I know.
Your cancer is like, all I think about.
- Really? - Pretty much.
I bet you don't think about it as much as I think about it.
Well, I think about it more than you'd think.
Well, good, then you'll probably be excited about the reason for my visit.
There's a 5K breast cancer run in a few weeks and I'm trying to get people-- Stop immediately.
Of course, I'm in.
What's the maximum pledge? There's actually not a maximum pledge.
Okay, okay, 25.
- That's really generous of you-- - Oh, it's nothing.
But I was wanting to see if you would be willing to run it with me.
Run-- Like, how do you mean? You know, I mean, you're a thing.
People would be excited to pay money for you to run.
Yeah, I don't know that I'm a thing, you know.
I mean, I do get recognized a lot, but-- I mean, I don't know.
Are other people from the office, like, physically running this thing? Yes.
- Like who? - Gabe.
- Grace.
- Lonely! Kurt.
Oh, God, he was raised by people that weren't his biological parents.
Okay, okay.
That's awesome.
The office is represented, all right? The problem is with me, I can't.
I can't run, because I bulk up super fast.
Just like thunder thighs.
It's so embarrassing.
Just, God, I really trust you, that's why I'm telling you.
Amy, the reason to run is to help raise awareness.
Awareness for what? C-Cancer? Like, I think people have gotten the memo.
Yeah, I got the memo, that's why I had a double mastectomy.
When is it again? - Next Saturday.
- Oh, balls! You said Saturday, right? Oh, I can't, that is so-- God, timing.
I have a Kentucky Derby party that day, and trust me, I would love to cancel but I already bought a hat.
And those are only hats that you would wear at, like, you know-- They're not, like, all-purpose hats, so.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Hi, this is Amy.
Oh, hi Jeff Probst.
Yeah, definitely, Saturday? Yes, I'll be there, of course I'll be there.
Can I wear a hat? Jeff? Okay, you already know who that was.
Jeff Probst.
So this is totally gonna cheer you up.
Okay, so Saturday, P.
Diddy is having, like, a dance-a-thon to raise money for chinchillas.
So they can be used in coats again.
Oh, God.
But look, I'm so sorry.
Is there anything else I can do for you? Like, anything else? I'm sorry that my calendar is so booked.
Actually, yeah.
A bunch of friends were gonna shave their heads for when I go through chemo.
So Okay.
That's great.
I can't do that, obviously, 'cause a lot of people's jobs are dependent on me just kind of keeping this look, you know? But I'll tell you what I will do.
I will continue to get rid of all of my pubes.
This is Amy.
Hi, Nick Cannon.
I actually know Nick, tell him I said hi.
Oh Nick, Tig says hi.
Yeah, oh my God, of course, of course I'm doing her 5K, yeah.
I basically organized it, I just-- So, what do you do? I'm a registered nurse.
Ooh, fancy pants.
Guess what I have.
In terms of sickness? Yeah.
Um, nymphomania? Oh, my gosh, I wish, I'm-- Seriously, I just lay there like a log.
So Stefan, you are a Bible studies camp counselor.
Correct? You know, it's for, like, you know, the youth, teaching them about the Bible.
Why-- Some people call it Jesus camp.
Is that a term that you don't like? I don't have a problem with it.
There's only one bad kind of camp.
- Fat camp? - Concentration.
Oh, you're right, there are two, there are two, you're right.
What do you tell kids at the camp about gay people? Like, if they're like, what's up with Ralph? He's always-- He's always wearing those pants.
Well, fortunately, we haven't had any gays, but, yeah, that's a sin.
Those pant-- Wearing tight pants as a dude? - I am-- - No.
I hear that.
You know, I'll just let the ministers know, let them-- Maybe don't let them know.
What was your favorite plague and then guess mine.
I like the-- Turning the water into blood.
I like the Black Plague.
Are you married? No, no, no.
Oh, my God, me neither.
I'm half-Jewish.
Like, my mom grew up Protestant and my Dad is Jewish.
Do you think I am gonna go to hell? No-- No.
Since-- I mean, you do go to church, so - No, I don't.
- Yeah.
Well, Christ is the way to heaven.
Like, I've never prayed before.
On planes, or if, like my sister is sick or something, I'll be like-- You know.
I don't believe in God until I need him.
Last night, I had a sex dream and I think it's 'cause I'm so frustrated, like, I haven't had sex in a while, and it was, like, with a girl.
Like, that's not even something that I am interested in doing, but it's not my fault.
Is that a sin? - 'Cause I did-- - Well I am not gonna get pregnant from that dream.
Because first of all, it was a dream, second of all, it was a girl.
I wouldn't know, I mean, if that was just a dream-- I don't have to say Hail Marys? It's like the old saying, "It was all a dream.
" I used to read "Word Up!" magazine.
Salt-N-Pepa and Heavy D was in the - Limousine, yeah.
- Limousine.
- I-I-- - Like, do you ever sin? Oh, yeah.
- I mean-- - Yeah.
Yeah, things-- Things get out of hand.
The weekend is at the end of the week.
When you picture Jesus, what do you think he looked like? Skin like bronze, hair like wool, eyes like fire.
- Jesus, that sounds-- - Yeah, that's-- That sounds terrifying I mean that's one-- Well, that's one description.
Like, when I picture God, I picture the Cloud Sweeper from the Care Bears.
Have you ever been, like, what if this isn't real? No-- You know, no, I haven't.
What's up with Mary? What do you think? Great woman.
She risked her marriage, you know, to have Christ, 'cause Joseph was kind of suspect.
Wouldn't you be? Yeah, yeah.
She's like, "I swear.
" He's like, "Really, Mary?" - He had faith, right? - Yeah, yeah.
It's like the saying, "I guess it would be nice if I could touch your body.
" That song is about faith.
Dance party with Uncle Ronnie-- Randy, Ronnie, Randy.
What's my name? Uhh, here's your change.
I'm so lonely.
Do you want to stare into this crystal ball? We were gonna have sweet tea and hamantaschen! (bleep) Anything, just yell it out and I'll-- Just yell (bleep) at me and I'll do it.