Inside Amy Schumer (2013) s02e01 Episode Script

You Would Bang Her?

Okay everyone, thanks for participating in this focus group.
I'm going to be asking you some questions about the show "Inside Amy Schumer", everyone understand? Okay.
So first question, what do you think the balance between the sketches and the stand-up? - Ooh! - Bronco? Yeah, I thought her tits were great.
Like, really good tits.
But her face was just okay.
Just so-so face, man.
So-so face, okay.
How about the balance between stand-up and sketches? - Dave, you have a thought? - Yeah.
Um, she looked better in the stand-up, for sure, but then there was just way, way hotter chicks in the skits.
So it was really hard for me to say And also, I like the skits better when you saw sideboob, kind of, but not the close-ups of face.
Like, way less face, but more sideboob.
- That's what I would say.
- Okay.
Is this something you guys could see yourselves DVRing? I would probably bang her, if that's what you mean? Seriously, dude? Yeah.
- You wouldn't bang her? - I don't know.
Is it crazy that I would bang her? Dude, yes, you would.
Like, if no one had to find out ever.
- Like, you just bang her-- - If nobody finds out? - Just bang, dude.
- Then I'm banging her.
I would, yeah.
Okay, so everyone would bang her if nobody knew.
- If nobody knew.
- I'd like to bang her.
Like to bang her.
Great, this is awesome, guys.
- Okay, sure, go ahead.
- Are the writers hot? If I could interject, I liked the routines where she was on the street talking to people and I appreciated how it had a sort of feminist bend on a male-skewing network.
Okay, great.
But I must say, I would enjoy the routines more if she had like a 10% better dumper? - Thank you.
- Yes.
- Downstairs better? - Yeah.
- Okay, everyone agrees with that, right? - Yes, absolutely.
It's just gotta be a better turtle part, man.
Okay, last question.
On a scale of one to 10, how funny was "Inside Amy Schumer?" You can write your answers on the cards in front of you.
Everyone ready? Okay, everyone show your cards.
Okay, so okay, great.
Um, going to give your input to the network and uh, here's your payment.
Beef sticks and energy drinks.
Oh! Couple of 'em said they would bang me? Sync && corrections by XhmikosR It's so hard for girls, like, your self-esteem, I just feel like it's up and down.
Some days I wake up and I'm just like, yes, bitch.
I'm like, my pussy's (bleep) magic.
Then other days I wake up like, I can't believe anyone's ever (bleep) me.
Like, Ursula from "The Little Mermaid.
" Shooting ink at people.
Like, tentacles.
Just do you think that was hot? Is it just like a sea of boners out there right now? Bone, boneyard.
Shrimpy been prawn Hey butthole, what' up? Girl, did Bobby Skeltis ever end up letting have sex with him? Why? No.
Okay good, Laura just told me he has herpes.
So.
Oh.
Well, no, that is a big relief because no, I did not.
Ok, no.
I just wanted to let you know.
Oh my God, oh no, no, no! My God, no! Please, God, let me not have herpes, please! We, well, well.
Look who it is.
God? Do you remember when the last time I heard from you was? It was probably pretty recently when my friend Tig got cancer.
Pretty sure I reached out then.
No, it was seven years ago when you were rooting for the Green Knight at Medieval Times.
Oh.
Well, God, thank you so much for coming through for me - that night.
- You're welcome.
This guy, Bobby Skeltis, that you slept with? What are you doing? I know, ow.
I can do so ch better, you're right.
I didn't say that.
Oh.
You know, 70% of people who reach out to me are having a herpes scare.
- Why should I help you? - Okay.
- That's a fair question.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Um, so I'm kind, a public figure now.
Like a role model? So if some young girl saw me buying Valtrex or something, - it would be like, a thing.
- Right.
A thing, hmm.
Like that earthquake in Peru yesterday that killed 9,000 people.
Oh my God, I hope no one was hurt.
Oh, gosh.
I really need to stop making so many white girls.
Let me be honest with you, okay? You did get herpes, you already have it.
- No! - Yes.
For me to undo your herpes, I have to create balance in the universe, you understand? Totally.
I'd have to kill off an entire village in Uzbekistan.
Yeah, whatever you think is best.
Do it.
You'll also have to sacrifice something.
- Oh my God, name it.
- Okay.
- You need to stop drinking.
- Pass.
How about stop using hair spray? The aerosol is very bad for the environment.
Could I just like, blow you? I'm gay.
- So? - Jesus Christ.
How about you just call your mother a little bit more often? That's an easy one.
Mmm what is herpes exactly? It's an outbreak, like, once a year? - Yeah.
- I don't know.
- I think I'll just take it.
- Okay, fine.
Fine, herpes it is.
Now don't forget to call all the men that you've slept with.
It's the moral thing to do, right? Oh my God, of course.
Duh.
- Amy.
- Mmm! I can see everything.
What? Oh now? - You want me to do it now? - Yes! Okay, well, you weren't clear about that.
- I'll do it right now.
- Sorry.
I'm sorry, I'll do it now.
Boopoop boop.
Boop boop Jeans into jean shorts What? I'm sorry you change seasons and now I need jean shorts.
- This one's on you.
- Just call them.
No! Fine, I'll do it.
Gimme the phone.
Unbelievable.
Hi, Mike, it's Amy.
- Schumer.
- I don't talk like that.
Uh, yeah, we met on Christmas at the Boston Market and had sex after two beers? Yeah.
You have herpes because I have herpes.
Byeee! Did he sound like he was at all psyched to hear from me, - like what was his vibe? - You're the (bleep) worst.
- Wow.
- Oh, no? You ever had a herpes scare? - Once, yes.
- What happened? Um, staph infection.
- Thank God! - I know, right? You ever had an STD scare? STD scare, no.
- Wow, good job.
- Wrap that (bleep) up.
That's a penis and this was a condom, right? Your wedding day Memories that will last a lifetime.
And you deserve to have those memories captured by a true professional.
Not ruined by some ** who can't ** different skin tone.
Click! Hi, I'm Martin Daniels, Interracial Wedding Photographer.
I'll make sure your wildly mismatched skin pigments don't stand in the way of a flawless wedding portrait.
Presto! My work speaks for itself.
I photographed literally dozen of satisfied couple like these two here.
Wendy is Asian and Josh is, guess what, a Jew.
Real original, Josh.
Click.
My two separate but equal light meters allow me to capture the pastiest whites and the darkiest darks.
Even though your union doesn't look right through the Lord's eyes, I'll still take the picture.
Who am I, jury duty? And my specialized editing software lets me disguise the disapproving looks from your relatives.
Can I do Persian and black? Yes! Jewish and Namibian? Yes! Irish and indecipherable? Why not? Korean and Mexican? No.
No you have to draw the line somewhere.
Will I photograph same race couples? Gladly.
I offer a 30% Stick With Your Own Kind discount, click.
But if you insist on saying, "I do" to someone who grew up in a house that smelled different than your house, you can count on me, Martin Daniels, Interracial Wedding Photographer.
What the (bleep) you just say? You ever hook up with a black guy? Half-black, half-Puerto Rican once.
We are accepting that, yes, thank you.
Excellent, I've been wondering Was it cool or what? I think I enjoyed it, yeah.
That is the perfect way to describe every sexual encounter I've ever had.
I think enjoyed it, but.
.
You ever date a black guy? I never dated a black guy.
You are the best.
Unh! Bridget Everett is just three points away from winning her fourth Grand Slam.
Remarkably, she has not allowed Schumerenka a single game in this match and yet, I can't take my eyes off of Schumerenka's unique style on the court.
I agree, Patrick.
Schumerenka has a charisma on the court that just pulls you in.
Out.
I think one reason why Schumerenka having such a difficult time in this match is the distraction factor of Evett's grunting.
Oh, God, it's disgusting, they should really ban it.
Whoo! Ah Unh.
Out.
Heaving and sweating like a Clysdale, Everett makes the shot.
Let's take a look at the instant replay.
Unh.
So amazing.
I think the most incredible part of Schumerenka's game is how she manages to be so thin and yet, still have such large breasts.
Absolutely, it's just such a turn-on to see tennis play with this level of integrity.
Amy's friends and family obviously agree.
Schumerenka's sponsor is Herpsky premium vodka.
As usual, Everett's friend and old math teacher is there to cheer her on.
Got her a nice seat in her VIP box, sponsored by Ground Beef.
Is what she's doing technically cheering her on? It looks like she's just eating snacks from home.
Schumerenka seems to be trying to take a moment to refocus.
This is one of those key moments where she definitely needs to take her time and not rush.
- Yeah, don't rush that.
- Whoo.
Bridget doesn't seem to like the delay in the game and as usual, she has to try to control her infamous attitude problem.
It's unattractive and also she's (bleep) ****.
Unh! Unh! Uh! No good, it's over.
Yes! Yes! Well, Evert wins the East Coast International for the fourth time in straight sets.
Hope she's happy.
Let's go courtside for the awards ceremony.
Bridget, you won.
Here's your cup and a million dollars.
Thanks, Katrina.
- Really fought hard out there-- - Amy, you lost.
But you were so gorgeous throughout the entire match that it's almost like you won.
Does that make sense? What's your secret? Um.
I love this country.
Freedom.
Amy, I'm being told the crowd has chipped in.
You will now be walking away with $2 million! America! I love you thank you! Oh, thank you, my country! Thank you! America! Ah! I won I won.
Amy! Amy! Amy! These are for you take them.
I don't need them anymore.
I love you, America.
Take them.
Amy Schumerenka, a true champion.
Great for tennis.
- I would (beep) her.
- Oh, me too.
Who do you think is the hottest female athlete? Anna Kournikova? - Yeah? - Yeah, not too bad.
Uh, is she good at tennis? Mildly.
- But it doesn't matter.
- No, doesn't.
- You'd still rather watch her play.
- Yeah.
Who do you think is the hottest female athlete? Is there really any hot female athlete out there? They're a little butchy, all of them.
Well, I'm a little butchy and I get laid.
Who do you think is the hottest female athlete? And you can't say me.
- You're not an athlete.
- What? Feel how heavy this is.
It's like a Shake Weight.
This is like a Shake Weight.
Stop having better jokes than me on my TV show.
Oh, good morning, Mr.
Blake, I'm Amy, your new secretary.
Hello, Amy, good to meet you.
Say, I'm very busy today so I like you to make sure that I'm not disturbed.
No one, but no one, is to go into my office without an appointment, got it? - Yes, sir.
- Thanks, doll.
- I need to see Mr.
Blake immediately! - Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
- He's busy right now.
- Well, this can't wait.
No, no, you can't go in there! Blake! Completely unacceptable! Third time this month! I'm sorry, Mr.
Blake, I told him he can't come in here! All right, Amy, have a seat, Bill.
For the love of God.
This is-- - Damn it, Amy, what happened there? - I'm sorry, sir.
I told him he couldn't go in there.
Okay.
Well, I really need you to put some oomph into it, kiddo.
- Okay.
- All right.
This is an abomination, I need to see Mr.
Blake.
No, you can't go in there! The hell I can! Blake, I've had it up to here! I'm sorry, Mr.
Blake, I told he can't come in here! Jesus Christ, Amy.
Ed, did she say you couldn't come in here? - Yes, she did.
- Well, how did she say? Uh, "You can't go in there.
" Okay, that's pretty good.
But the way she said it, it felt like I could go in there.
Mm-hmm.
Amy, there are thousands of women who'd kill for the opportunity to tell people they can't come into my office.
I know, I'm sorry, sir, I'll work on it.
Mm-hmm, all right, have a seat, Ed.
You can't go in there you can't go in there.
You can't go in there.
I have to see Mr.
Blake! No, no, you can't in there! Oh.
Okay, thank you.
I'll wait.
Oh.
We, I'm sorry I yelled, I have to say that.
No, I respect the American secretary.
I'm not an animal.
Sir, thank you.
Today's been so difficult for me and-- Say! Is someone going in there? - Where? - Come on, everyone! What? No! No, you can't go in there! You can't go in there! You can't go in there! You, you can't go in there! You can't go in there! You can't go in there! You can't go in there! You can't-- Oh, gosh, I'm dreadful at this.
How did you guys get in here? Amy! Look, Amy, you're a woman and you can only focus on one thing at a time, I get that.
That's why I gave you just the one task.
In fact, what are you even doing typing? Look, you need to start doing your job or I'm going to find someone who can do your job.
Well, hello, I'm here to see Mr.
Blake.
You can't go in there! Oh! Ooh! Ow! Oh! I'm sorry, your call cannot be completed as dialed.
You! Can't! Go! In! There! Amy.
Did my 11:30 get here yet? Mr.
Blake will see you now.
Stand up, stand up And be proud let someone in Let someone in Go get the coffee now - So, Gabe, you edit and produce porn.
- Yeah.
How did you get started working in porn? My friend told me, "If you wanna work on TV, find a production studio that makes something you love.
" So I was like, let me find a porn studio that makes something I love.
What's the name of the last porn you shot? Um, it is called "(Bleep)more.
" It's - Is this about me? - It's not.
We can Photoshop your face on the cover-- I'd appreciate that.
What's your favorite scene you've ever shot? The thing I'm most proud of is a double penetration shot we, - we got away with.
- What's that? - I'm just kidding.
- Oh, man, okay.
'Cause I could tell you.
No Would you ever do it? - Oh no, no, God, no.
- Why? I don't know if I got the body for that.
- Like-- - Come on! - could work it, but like, not-- - Girl.
Is it more important to have a good body or a huge (bleep)? We've gotten some older guys with like, craggy faces and like, really saggy, but then they have these like, - giant 11-inch dicks.
- Giant dongs.
- What do you do? - It's like a chest-down kind of thing.
So you'll like, pan up to their face every now and then-- - Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- Like, he's a human! - And then you just go back.
- Right.
"We promise! This isn't a centaur.
" What if someone's just like, a really bad actor? Like, so bad.
Have you ever replaced anyone? Like, you'd be surprised how many people don't show up last minute.
So sometimes we'll have like, backups, that we'll call like, a half hour before and be like, "Yo, is your butt clean? - Come over.
" - So cute.
That's how they ask me to get ready for the show in the morning.
"Schumer, clean your butt.
" I'm like, "I don't wanna!" What's the worst thing you've witnessed this year? Usually what I have to do is get that like, - beneath the (bleep) shot.
- Okay.
So it's almost like you're a tiny ant - and you're just staring up at - That's cute.
What a cute metaphor.
This is getting-- why is this so cute? I don't know.
You've like a weevil.
You're like, "So I'm in 'Fraggle Rock'.
" - Oh my God.
- So this dude, he like, um, pulls his (bleep) just as he's (bleep)-- - You're not like, wearing a poncho-- - No.
- You're not at a Gallagher show.
- No.
And I kid you not, it was like Niagara Falls.
It was just like, a wave of like, (bleep) to the face.
- This sounds like the worst case scenario.
- It was really rough.
And it's like, somehow the grace of whatever God exists, it missed my mouth.
You are such a glass half-full type of guy.
I'm so jealous of the way guys get to (bleep).
It looks so fun.
And not just 'cause you get to spread your Funfetti wherever you want, just, like Oprah's big giveaway.
You get a car, you get a car.
Just like, "Ghostbusters".
Ugh.
But guys, they're so satisfied, so tired.
They're just like, "Unh, (bleep).
" It's like they were in a car accident.
"Did you see that guy? Came outta nowhere.
Are you all right? You seem all right.
Did you get his plates?" Then they sleep for nine, 10 hours.
We're not like that.
I need more recovery time after a sneeze than an orgasm.
Just - Little kiss? - Why? - I am, no, I am gay, but, uh-- - But what? No.
Can we just try, just to see what's up? Yeah, you know-- Mmm, magic.
Sync && corrections by XhmikosR